The Worst Albums of 2005

Before I get into the list, anyone who is smart probably has stopped watching Saturday Night Live after the Sandler, Myers, Rock era ended, yet for some reason I still turned but last week I was treated to the funniest sketch since the S/M/R era featuring Chris Parnell and newbie Andy Samburg. If you know what I’m talking about iTunes and NBC have given us a Christmas present in the form of the sketch for free download. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t go into it that much it as it will slightly ruin the hilarity, but watch out for the line "You can call us Aaron Burr by the way we're dropping Hamiltions." You definitely want to download it. Unfortunately iTunes doesn’t have a feature where you can link to videos but if you click on any of my iTunes links and go to the store’s main page, it’s will rotate on one of the top ads. So go ahead and download it, it’s free and I promise you won’t be disappointed.

And before I get into the best of coming after Christmas, I first want to start with those albums that you should all avoid. I would like to note that this list was compiled from albums that I reviewed this year and may not truly represent the worst of the worst, just those that I was willing to listen to. I’m sure albums released this year by Madonna, Korn, or the dude from Creed were even worst than most of the albums on the list, but I couldn’t bring myself to give them a listen. If there were any albums you absolutely hated in the past year feel free to leave them in the comment section. For those that are interested to check these albums on the list out, the link on the album goes directly to iTunes (and you can use it to get to the SNL skit too) while the links in the parentheses go to my original reviews.


1. A Little More Personal (Raw) – Lindsay Lohan (You Turned Something So Good So Bad)
2. The Real Thing – Bo Bice (Is He All the Things You Tried to Change Me Into)
3. I Am Me – Ashlee Simpson (Hey How Long Till You Face What’s Going On)
4. Switch – INXS (It Ain’t Pretty After the Show)
5. A Bigger Bang – The Rolling Stones (I Think I Made the Biggest Mistake of My Life)
6. Get Rich or Die Trying Soundtrack (The Top Is So Much Better Than the Bottom, Yet More Boring)
7. All the Right Reasons – Nickelback (I Guess it Wasn’t Really Right)
8. Almost Honest – Josh Kelley (Hard Times Happen)
9. Mr. A-Z – Jason Mraz (It Takes a Thought to Make a Sound)
10. Tommyland: The Ride – Tommy Lee (I’d Rather Play You on My TV)
11. Somebody’s Miracle – Liz Phair (Do You Really Know Me at All)
12. TP.3 Reloaded – R. Kelly (I Hope Y’all Got Yo Playa Cards)
13. Unpredictable – Jamie Foxx (Things Have Come So Mundane)
14. Oh No – OK Go (Who’s House Are You Haunting Tonight)
15. Seventeen Days – 3 Doors Down (If I Get Boring Would You Still Call Me Superman)

Things Have Become So Mundane

Musical history is littered with no hit wonders of actors who tried to sing like Bruce Willis and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Even those who manage to score a hit or two like Jennifer Lopez still lack any credibility from critics or true music fans. But the preconceived notions of actor turned musician shouldn’t be hung upon Jamie Foxx because unlike the dude from 30 Seconds to Mars and the like, Foxx is a classically trained pianist who even landed a scholarship because of it. Also his appearances on the two Kanye West albums were surprisingly good. So with that said, Foxx’s new release, Unpredictable, could possibly not be just another vanity record like any Dogstar record.

Unpredictable if fact isn’t even Foxx’s first music album as he put out a little heard album in the early 90’s. Unfortunately the new album would fit in the time period because many of the songs on this album would fit well in the era when R&B songs like Do Me, Freak Me, and Knockin da Boots ruled the charts. Many songs on the album are littered with sophomoric lyrics like, “Do you want to get high, you want to get fired up, you want to get sexed, you want to get tied up?” (Do What It Do). Personally I’ll pass. Then there’s “I know you’re used to dinner and a movie, why not be my dinner while making a movie” (Unpredictable). I guess they can name that movie Booty Call II. Then there is Three Little Words where Foxx ends every line in the song by singing “sex.” I have a feeling those three little words really don’t have anything to do with love.

What is most disappointing is that even though he’s a skilled pianist who easily learned all the parts for his role as Ray Charles, there is very little piano on the album and Foxx instead primary sings over aggravated hip hop beats. And even the litany of credible artist can’t save these songs. Mary J. Blige shows up on the trite duet Love Changes that Mary wisely didn’t include on her album that was also released this week (see my review - Anybody Who's Ever Loved You Know Just What I Feel). Then Kanye gives an uninspired verse on Extravaganza while Ludacris, Twista, The Game, Snoop Dogg also lend sophomoric raps to go along with the songs they are on.

The album starts to get better near the end with the appearance of Common on U Still Got It (Interlude). That is followed by a glimpse of what the album should have been with Heaven where Foxx is on the piano with little accompaniment singing a love song in vein of Luther Vandross. The album is capped off with the emotional Wish U Were Here, a touching song about the Grandmother who raised him. Sadly these songs were too little too late to save the album.

Song to Download – Heaven

Unpredictable gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Can You Still Have Any Famous Last Words if You're Somebody Nobody Knows

Ryan Adams is the most prolific artist of the decade releasing nine albums so far including two earlier this year. Now he’s back with his third and presumable last of 2005 and the first this year without his backing band The Cardinals, 29. With the band taking this album off, 29 is more sparse and reminiscing of old time country albums that evoke cowboys sitting around a campfire with an acoustic guitar telling tales.

Even though most of the album has that campfire feel to it, 29 starts off with its most rugged track that shares the name of the album which sounds like it would best be performed behind a chain link fence in a southern bar. The later on the album there is The Sadness that sounds influenced by old time mariachi band but without the horn section.

What have always drawn me to Ryan Adams though are his sad songs and there is no shortage here. For those who enjoy their sadness accompanied with an acoustic guitar instead check out Strawberry Wine and Night Birds. While those who prefer a piano there is Blue Skies Blue and Elizabeth, You Were Made to Play the Part where your heart will break when he sings the line, “I'm not strong enough to let you go.” And his storytelling as a whole has improved most notably on Carolina Rain a song about the hardships some people have faced throughout their lives.

Song to Download - Elizabeth, You Were Made to Play the Part

29 gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Anybody Who's Ever Loved You Know Just What I Feel

Long before every R&B artist was infusing hip-hop elements into their songs, there was Mary J. Blige who created a new genre onto itself. But unlike her imitators, Blige has something they don’t, soul. While they relay too heavily on the hip-hop the reason Blige has stayed on top is that she finds the right balance between that and soul. Mix that all together with the heartbreak that seem to seep into most of her songs and you have a recipe that’s worthy of a first ballot into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Even though Blige declared No More Drama on her last album, luckily for us the listener, there is still enough to fill her latest album, The Breakthrough. The drama of finding, and keeping, a good man are at the center of Enough Cryin’, Baggage and Father in You. And the music doesn’t falter when she migrates into more traditional love songs such as No One Will Do, About You, and Can’t Get Enough.

Very rarely does the hip-hop beats drag down the album except on the bongos on Ain’t Really Love overpower the song. But Mary does sample both old school and new school tracks. As for new school, Mary builds MJB da MVP around 50 Cent’s chorus from Hate it or Love It. Then on Gonna Breakthrough Blige sings overtop KRS-One’s Step Into a World (Rapture’s Delight).

Then instead of settling for sampling, or even bringing in studio musicians, she gets U2 to make an appearance on the cover of their classic One from Achtung Baby. They even brought along a choir which helps convert the song into a gospel song much like they did on I Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For on Rattle and Hum. Mary even outshines Bono, who trade verses, and hits the line “Love is a temple, love is a higher law” like she finally found what she’s looking for. That passion carries over to her new song like Be Without You and I Found My Everything, a duet with Raphael Saadiq of Tony! Toni! Toné! fame.

Song to Download – One

The Breakthrough gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Best Free Songs of 2005

Every Tuesday, iTunes releases a couple of free songs some of which sometimes are forgettable but most of them are worth the download with a few that have even landed on some of my Mix-Tapes. Here is a list of the best songs that were available for free sometime during 2005 but are actually worth buying:


1. Telescope Eyes – Eisley
2. Me Plus One - Annie
3. Gotta Get Up from Here (Radio Edit) - Ellie Lawson
4. Club Foot - Kasabian
5. Son's Gonna Rise - Citizen Cope & Santana
6. Back to Me - Kathleen Edwards
7. Stars and Boulevards - Augustana
8. L-L-Love - Astaire
9. Empty Room - Marjorie Fair
10. Be the Girl - Aslyn
11. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
12. Gravity - Embrace
13. Who We Are - Hope Partlow
14. Bad Day - Daniel Powter
15. Till I Get to You (Radio Edit) - Nikka Costa
16. When the President Talks to God - Bright Eyes
17. Every Ship Must Sail Away - Blue Merle
18. Stand On Your Seat (Lord-Alge Mix Short) - Chris Glover
19. Come Touch Me - Bobby Valentino
20. She Said (Radio Edit) - Brie Larson
21. Let Go (LP Version) - BarlowGirl
22. Banjo Boy - Ryan Shupe & The Rubberband
23. When the Music's Not Forgotten - Deadman
24. Walking With a Ghost - Tegan and Sara
25. 15 Beers Ago - Deaf Pedestrians

Any Guy Can Sweep Any Girl Off Her Feet

You would think with a week until Christmas, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation would be the perfect movie last night, or even Scrooged another holiday favorite of mine. Yet somehow I got conned into watching Hitch instead. How festive, but anyways. The film follows the artist formally known as the Fresh Prince (sadly D.J. Jazzy Jeff is nowhere to be found) around as the mystical Date Doctor as he helps the hapless men of New York land the girl of their dreams because as Hitch says, “Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom.”

His latest client also stands to be his biggest triumph as a goofy account Albert, played by Kevin James hires Hitch to help catch the eye of the socialite, Allegra Cole, who is a client at his firm. But with about ten other accountants on her case, it’s hard for Albert to stick out. Granted whenever Allegra’s name was brought up I couldn’t help wondering how much the filmmakers were getting paid from pharmaceutical industry.

But Hitch’s greatest success could be in trouble when he meets a jaded woman that he tries to woo who just so happens to have a gossip column that regularly focuses on Allegra’s dating life. But since this is a romantic comedy, hilarity ensues instead, or at least tries too. The movie tries a little too hard at the physical which is fine when James is on screen, but when it’s left up to the Fresh Prince and Eva Mendez as the gossip maven, it sometimes fall flat.

Overall it was a decent movie with a couple good laughs even though most of the movie, much like every romantic comedy, was extremely predictable. There were also a few scenes that didn’t really need to be in the movie like Hitch’s flashback to his dorkier college days or the scene with movie killer Michael Rapaport. As for the extras on the DVD, there were a couple of run of the mil featurettes and boring deleted scenes that were rightfully left on the cutting room floor along with your typical gag reel. Also there was a video for 2005’s summer anthem, Amerie’s 1 Thing which will undoubtably show up on my Best Songs of 2005 that will be showing up next week.

Hitch gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Best of Holiday Music

With Christmas only week away, it’s officially time to break out my mix tape of my favorite holiday songs. I really try to avoid Christmas music more than a week from the holiday because it always seems I get burned out from it if I start listening to it after Thanksgiving, which most department store start to play them. Even today as I listened to my personalized Yahoo radio station (see the link in my sidebar to listen to it yourself) I heard three different versions of The Christmas Song. But anyways. Hear are my favorite holiday tunes that easily fit on a single CD and feel free to leave a comment letting me know some of your favorite holiday tunes:

1. Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
2. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – John Mellencamp
3. Run Run Rudolf – Bryan Adams
4. Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer – Harry Connick Jr.
5. Christmas in Hollis – Run-DMC
6. Santa Baby – Keith Murray, Mase, Onyx, Puff Daddy, Reverend Run, Salt-N-Pepa, Snoop Dogg
7. All I Want for Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey
8. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – U2
9. Merry Christmas Baby – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
10. Let it Snow – Harry Connick Jr.
11. The Christmas Song – Hootie and the Blowfish
12. Children Go Where I Send Thee – Natalie Merchant
13. Little Drummer Boy – Bob Seger
14. Silent Night – Stevie Nicks
15. O Holy Night – Tracy Chapman
16. Winter Wonderland – Eurythmics
17. I Saw Three Ships – Sting
18. Christmastime – Smashing Pumpkins
19. The Christmas Song – Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds
20. Christmas – Blues Traveler
21. The Chanukah Song – Adam Sandler

Is He All the Things You Tried to Change Me Into

After Kelly Clarkson won my unofficial guilty pleasure of the year award and I enjoyed Carrie Underwood’s debut album guilt free (see my review – Oh There’s Nothing Like Oklahoma) I could be warming up to the whole American Karaoke thing. So I decided to check the dude Carrie beat in the latest installment, Bo Bice.

After my first listen through his debut, The Real Thing, I thought, “How horribly bland.” It is really hard to write a review of an album that constantly puts you to sleep out of boredom. The songs are very familiar to his sup-par outing on Santana’s album (see my review – Your Fire Fills My Soul) except Bice Bice Baby doesn’t have Carlos’ guitar to bail him out here. Instead Bice brought in members of Bon Jovi, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, Ben Moody fresh of his work with Lindsey Lohan and Ashlee Simpson, and John Shanks who is also best know for working with females who try to rock. That’s not necessarily a Murderer’s Row of rock music. At least with pre-for mentioned Lohan and Simpson, their music strikes an emotion, even if that emotion is hatred, which is still better than the uninspiring music that Bice has made here. I would much rather have people hate me than to have no opinion at all.

But the music isn’t even the worst part of the album, the writing here makes Lohan’s confessionals on her latest album (see my review – You Turned Something So Good So Bad) look like Keats compared to the lyrics on The Real Thing. You’d think someone who doesn’t write their own lyrics (Bice only have co-writing credits on two tracks) would at least pick out songs that didn’t sound like a middle schooler who relies way too much on trying to rhyme like, “I’ll open every car door, I won’t go out anymore, I’ll even eat off the floor” (You’re Everything). It’s not too surprising that Kroeger didn’t save that gem for his band.

So with The Real Thing, American Karaoke’s miraculous streak of good music has ended and hopefully Bice Bice Baby will say hello to Justin (whatever his name is) on his inevitable trip to obscurity, or even worse, The Surreal Life house.

Song to Download – For the first time ever, I have absolutely nothing to recommend, although if there is someone you really hate on your Christmas list, this is the perfect gift. Although if I must make a suggestion, check out Bono and Alicia Keys team up on the charity single Don't Give Up (Africa)

The Real Thing gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Lyrics Quiz - Best of 2005

Today officially starts my year end spectacular with this month’s lyrics quiz culled from some of my favorite lines uttered this year and even expanded to thirty songs this month so I didn’t have to scale it down any. This doesn’t though reflect my upcoming Best Songs of 2005 that will arrive just after Christmas because I really hate publications that do their year in review in late November or early December thus missing an entire month of the year. For my full list of upcoming festivities, click on the Holiday Schedule on my sidebar. As for the lyrics quiz, leave your guesses in the comment section, both song title and artist. If you are correct, I will un-bold the lyric and give you credit. Just a little hint, the lyrics are in chronological order from when they were released so for the first couple think January while the last couple will be more recent songs. And though I disapprove of using search engines to find the answers, I don’t mind if you look threw my archives as most of the lyrics have been mentioned on the 9th Green before typically in album review (click on the Terror Alert Scale link in my sidebar for those). Now on to the lyrics:


1. I’m so moving on. (Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson; guessed by Julie)
2. Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason. (Breathe (2 A.M.) - Anna Nalick; guessed by Julie)
3. I can’t take my mind off of you. (The Blower's Daughter - Damian Rice; guessed by Russ)
4. With a name I’ve never chosen, I can make my first steps. (Chocolate - Snow Patrol; guessed by Dane Bramage)
5. I’ve found I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind. (Collide - Howie Day ; guessed by Ang)
6. And that REM song was playing in my mind. (A Lifetime - Better Than Ezra; guessed by Dane Bramage)
7. Sing like you think no one’s listening. (Existentialism on Prom Night – Straylight Run; guessed by Dane Bramage)
8. Still gotta let you know, a house doesn’t make a home. Don’t leave me here alone. (Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own - U2; guessed by Dane Bramage)
9. Please don’t make me cry. (Telescope Eyes - Eisley; guessed by Dane Bramage)
10. If you wrote me off, I’d understand it. (Landed - Ben Folds; guessed by Dane Bramage)
11. If a stripper named Porscha and you get tips from many men, then your fat friend her nickname is Minivan. (Diamonds from Sierra Leone - Kanye West; guessed by Dane Bramage)
12. Your favorite fruit is chocolate cover cherries, seedless watermelon; nothing from the ground is good enough. (Chariot - Gavin DeGraw; guessed by Russ)
13. Girl I’m in love with you, this ain't the honeymoon, past the infatuation phase. (Ordinary People - John Legend; guessed by Dane Bramage)
14. I don’t know why I can’t keep my eyes off of you. (You and Me - Lifehouse; guessed by Jetting Through Life)
15. While others are puzzles, puzzling me. (Speed of Sound - Coldplay; guessed by Russ)
16. Little Red Corvette, no, she was faster. (Go - Common; guessed by Dane Bramage)
17. Now watch me rise up and leave. (Ashes - Embrace; guessed by Dane Bramage)
18. The talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex and then there’s no mystery left. (Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley; guessed by Dane Bramage)
19. Where can a teacher go, wherever she thinks the people needs the things she knows? (When in Rome - Nickel Creek; guessed by Dane Bramage)
20. And when he get on, he’ll leave your (expletive deleted) for a white girl. (Gold Digger - Kanye West; guessed by Prozac Chic)
21. Your top was untied and I thought how nice it would be to watch the sweat down your spine. (Dreamgirl - Dave Matthews Band; guessed by Angie)
22. I got soul but I’m not a soldier. (All These Things I've Done - The Killers; guessed by Luka)
23. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. (Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie; guessed by Dane Bramage)
24. I’m dieing to tell you anything you’d want to hear cause that’s just who I am this week. (Sugar We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy; guessed by Julie)
25. It’s like I wrote every note with my own hands. (The Mixed Tape - Jack's Mannequin; guessed by Julie)
26. I like studying faces in the parking lot. (Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave; guessed by guessed by Dane Bramage)
27. The Bush twins want you back. (Ohio (Come Back to Texas) - Bowling for Soup; guessed by guessed by Dane Bramage)
28. When I go home, I’m going home alone. (Boyfriend - Ashlee Simpson; guessed by Dane Bramage)
29. I have too been playing with 52 cards. Just cause I play so far from my vest. (O' Sailor - Fiona Apple; guessed by Dane Bramage)
30. Cause tonight’s the night the world begins again. (Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls; guessed by Dane Bramage)


Congratulations to Dane Bramage for becoming the first two time winner of the lyrics quiz.

If You Catch Me Dreaming, Please Don’t Wake Me Till I’m Done

R&B has really fallen as a genre in recent years with most artists trying to hard to reach the hip-hop audience by singing over beats that should be reserved for rap songs. This had led to a shrinking amount of artist who sings over smooth soul grooves like Al Green and Donnie Hathaway (no relations to Anne) did in the heyday of the genre. Yeah today we have Alicia Keys and John Legend, but that’s about it. Another guy that can be added to that list is Anthony Hamilton who, even though he may be best known for singing hooks for rappers like Nappy Roots and Jadakiss, has recently arrived to help keep soul music alive.

Hamilton’s latest album, Ain't Nobody Worryin' focuses on all the tried and true soul theme of love whether it lost love (Where Did It Go Wrong?), trying to hold on love (Can’t Let Go), and right in the middle of love (Truth) as well as the general I Know What Love’s All About. And singing the hook on Jadakiss’ Why stirred some political awareness too in the vein of Marvin Gaye with songs like the title track (How the children gonna learn when they gotta take turns cause they ain’t got books to read) and Preacher’s Daughter (She had a habit that she couldn’t really stop, needed money so she had to hit the block) which also features Tarsha McMillian, who added some gravity to the already deep song, and just happens to be Hamilton's wife

Pass Me Over is the best song here as it’s the total package. The song is a gospel like ode about waiting for your Savior and is highlighted by a space piano and crescendos at the end with a choir backing Hamilton up, in his best vocal performance on the album, then comes down and concludes in a beautiful instrumental as Hamilton tells us he will “meet you on the other side.” There are a few speed bumps on the way through the album including Southern Stuff that has too much of a heavy hip-hop beat and the almost reggae Everybody. But Hamilton’s voice does a good job at trying to save those songs.

Be warned, this CD is copy protected, so buy it at your own risk.

Song to Download – Pass Me Over

Ain’t Nobody Worryin’ gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

American Edit

I have been a big fan of mash-ups ever since I heard somebody put together Skee-Lo’s I Wish with Survivor's Eye of the Tiger and the Breeders’ Cannonball. Ever since then I have searched the internet to find other such musical brilliancy. Some were better than others with the best being Danger Mouse’s Grey Album which combined songs from Jay-Z‘s Black Album rapping over music from The Beatles’ White Album. The latest full album mash-up takes ever song from Green Day’s American Idiot and gives each song its very own mash-up. Unfortunately as soon as the artist, Dean Grey, put the album up on the internet, he got a cease and desist letter from Green Day’s record label because they are evil as seen by my Record People Are Shady series (use "search this blog" function at top). But in a sign of civil disobedience, Dean and a few other people have posted the album one day only. To get a copy of your own head over to the American Edit website and choose from the gracious people who are hosting the album and hear the Green Day album mashed-up with such songs as (but not limited to):

Kanye West – Gold Digger
Smokey Robinson – Tears of Clown
Bryan Adams - Summer of 69
Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
Gary Glitter – Rock & Roll part 2
Oasis – Wonderwall
Travis - Writing to Reach You
Aerosmith – Dream On
U2 – Sometimes You Can’t Make it On Your Own
The Offspring – Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)
Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
Dire Straits - Money for Nothing
Ashanti - Only U
Buffalo Springfield - For What it's Worth
The Eagles - Lyin' Eyes
Nelly and Tim McGraw - Over and Over
The Bangles - Manic Monday

And speeches from George Bush and John F Kennedy.

Better Run Through the Jungle

The latest season of Survivor set in Guatemala seemed to be the hardest yet in the series run. The show started out with an 11-mile hike to an ancient ruin, the winner who then wins it as their camp. Now an 11-mile hike doesn’t sound that bad, but when it is done deep in a jungle with very little in the way of help or a clear path, I wouldn’t be surprised if the tribes logged more than 11-miles in total distance traveled. And challenges didn’t get much easier from their including multiple challenges where tribes squared off head to head in brute strength competition rather than the usual race format. Also much of the challenges had multiple layers to them making sure the winner earned the reward or immunity. And to top things off, most of the challenges took place in triple digit temperatures, or at least that’d what Jeff Probst would have us believe.

But Survivor is more so about the social experiment than the competition itself. It’s always interesting to see how people interact with strangers who just so happen to be their way of winning a million dollars and may cast a ballot on whether they get the money or not. The big twist in terms of the social experiment this year was to bring in people the other contestants may already know in Survivor: Palau alumni Bobby John and Stephanie. I was surprised how little maneuvering their was to get these two out early fearing that they would be huge threats, but the other players were content to let Stephanie control the game securing herself into the final two while Bobby John ended up just being a casualty of a numbers game. Aside from Jamie floating the idea of bumping Stephanie off at their first tribal council, I don’t think either was ever considered until Bobby John hit the merge.

As for the newbies, the breakout star was Judd who gave the biggest exiting tirade ever with his scumbags outburst, in fact I don’t remember anyone ever having a post vote out hissy fit unless you count Greg, who may or may not have been faking during his exit in the first season. The there was the gay Mormon who moral compass led him to not holding Danni to their final two agreement. Odd that he blamed it on his morals after orchestrating the outing of two of his alliance not to mention the whole being gay is considered one of the worst sins by the church. But Anyways. Sadly what could have been the most interesting characters were all voted out early with the three token hot chicks being voted off in consecutive weeks after the token old dude got shafted first. Survivor should really make a rule that keeps this from ever happening again. Instead we were left with Danni, who quickly started to look like Skeletor in a stupid hat, Cindy, who surprisingly had a hot twin sister yet looked worn out as if she had been the star of one hundred too many pornos. And I was never sold on Stephanie as being attractive. She had that annoying accent and her eyebrows just creeped me out. Add on to that she wore more makeup at the reunion than Bozo the Clown. If there is one rule I live by, never trust girls who wears a lot of makeup because they have something to hide.

One thing I notice for the first time in the last episode as the final three did their usual look back upon the fallen survivors was how white everyone’s teeth were. The producer had to be slipping them some sort of teeth whitening products during the game because there is no way after weeks without brushing your teeth that they would still sparkle. This leads me to wonder what other amenities they get throughout the show.

In the end, Skeletor wins because everyone else is a moron. Stephanie and Rafe had the game won until they decided to pick off people in their alliance too early by blindsiding Jamie, Judd, and Cindy. Had they stuck to the plan and vote off the old tribe first, they could have still gotten to the final four because Stephanie had Lydia and Judd in her back pocket while Rafe had Cindy. And since Skeletor only betrayed Rafe of the last day, the vote ended up in a blowout. I really don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t look at Judd and Jamie and think, “That’s who I want next to me in the final two.” It would have been an easy win had you brought either two along with you. I don’t care how annoying someone is, I’ll spend a month with them if it gives me a better chance at a million dollars.

During the finale we got a look at the next season which once again puts the survivors in Panama. For those keeping track that would be the third time in about five seasons. It seems no one outside of Latin America really want to host the show anymore. The big new though is that they look to have the biggest twist in the game since they switched tribes back in Africa. Next season, every week (presumably in real life this will only be a day) someone will banished to live alone on a separate island. Granted the island may hold the key to winning the million dollar prize. I assume the key will be a hidden immunity idol much like the one Gary found this season. Although the other twist in which the 16 (yes they are going back to only 16 contestant unlike the 18 in recent seasons) will be split up like never before will be less interesting much like every “big twist” since the Africa shocker.

Survivor: Guatemala gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Anger and Resentment Can Stop You in Your Tracks

It is understandable that any woman would go off the deep end after thinking that her husband ran off with his Swedish secretary back to her home country. Added on top of it being stuck in a house with four daughters with issues of there own and the only option for a rebound is a washed up ex-baseball player who refuses to talk baseball and enjoys his alcohol and other recreational drugs doesn’t help.

Joan Allen breaks out of the supporting mom role to take the liquored-up lead of The Upside of Anger. As for the washed-up baseball player, that of course is played by Kevin Costner as he has some contract that states he always gets first crack at all baseball character. As for the daughters, they are played by the hot chick from Swimfan, the hot chick from Felicity, the formally hot chick from Urban Legend, and the hot chick from Green Day’s Wake Me up When September Ends video who has officially taken over Christina Ricci’s spot as the go-to indie teen.

The acting itself is as good as you would expect from the actor listed above except with four daughters to share screen time, none of them are able to shine as much as they have in past endeavors. Most wasted was Evan Rachel Wood as the laid back daughter who starts the film off as the narrator that goes away until the end of the film. In the middle she was stuck in a very predictable storyline, the most boring of the four, not too mention the unfortunate nickname Popeye, which was never explained unless I completely missed it. The other storylines do hold up better to the point that the poor plot twist at the end doesn’t ruin the whole movie.

The Upside of Anger gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.