I Want My Music Television vol. LXXXIV

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Not Afraid – Eminem



The Real Slim Shady was extremely catchy but with every passing album, the lead single from Eminem has been increasingly lame and predictable: skewering of pop tarts, Elvis costumes, peppy beat. So it is refreshing that he actually changed it up this time after admitting that Relapse was “eh.” Though he vocal style isn’t as annoying as the one he used for much of the last album, this song really isn’t much of an improvement from then.


Bang, Bang, Bang - Mark Ronson and the Business INTL featuring Q-Tip and MNDR



Sure the video is cheesy (which I guesswas the point) but sign me up for any Mark Ronson / Q-Tip collaboration.


Getaway – Michelle Branch featuring Timbaland



I can’t remember the last time I physically cringed when hearing a song from an artist I actually like (well unless you count to listening to the new Christina Aguilera album as a whole), Timbaland really needs to stop going outside his genre. Really, if you strip the song down to just the acoustics from Michelle Branch, it might be a great song, but Timbaland just has to go and make his Timbaland face and ruin everything. Hopefully there is an acoustic version of the song out there somewhere.


Lookin’ Fly – Redman



Redman playing tribute to Michael Jackson. Alrighty. The hook is taken from The Jacksons Heartbreak Hotel.

Big Head Timbaland and the Monsters

Please, if you will, hop in the Scooter McGavin Time Machine (patent pending) all the way back to June 14, 2006 when right here on the 9th Green I wrote:

“If rap had a drug policy, Timbaland would be slapped with a 50 day suspension by now. Dude makes Big Head Barry look like Barry Bonds circa when I Got a Man was popular (Scooter’s Note: I had just made a Positive K reference earlier in the post).”

So it came to little surprise when I saw this headline today: 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Wyclef, Timbaland Reportedly Named in New York Steroids Probe. Okay, a little surprised; seriously, Mary J, Blige? No word yet if this will keep any of them out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (not that any of them beside Blige has even the smallest chance of getting in). Also as head scratching was the inclusion of actor, writer, director Tyler Perry. Do you really need HGH to dress like an old black chick? Certainly the prosthetics that Eddie Murphy uses can’t cost much more than black market steroids.

What is disturbing about all this is that according to the Albany Times Union, many of the artists listed in the probe got their prescriptions were signed by South Florida osteopath Dr. Gary Brandwein who happened to also be the doctor who prescribed drugs to Chris Benoit and sadly we all know how that turned out. As of press time, only a spokesperson of Blige responded saying, “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.”

I wonder if the others will pull out the old classics “I unknowingly took them” or “I was only given B-12 shots” or “I just took them once and didn’t like them” or my personal favorite, “I was going to try them until I saw the needles, I don’t do needles man.” Granted much like Big Head Barry’s ever growing head, the videos below featuring Timbaland and 50 Cent (who allegedly used the pseudonym Michael Jordan to obtain his HGH) pretty much speak for themselves:

The 9th Green’s Readers Favorite Songs of 2007

Before I get to your favorite songs of the year I first want to mention that just before Christmas I had ordered a gift for someone through Amazon and among the usual spam advertising slips that they stuff into their boxes there was an envelope where you can place old cell phones to send to the troops. So if you got a new cell phone for Christmas or are just like me and is a pack rat who keeps everything for no reason and had three just lying around collecting dust, please check out this website: Cell Phones for Soldiers to see where you can send any of your unused cell phones. They say the phone can be in any condition and don’t even need to still have a battery.

Last year was the first time I ever let you my readers influences the 9th Green (aside from the occasional pandering for comments) and this year I got four times more responses than last. Thanks to each and everyone who took time to compile your favorite songs of the year to make this list possible. With the more responses I think this ended up being a better list for the most part than last year. This year Rihanna was as close to consensus as it got this year being the only artist appearing on more than half of the lists I received. Keep in mind this list is solely your opinions and I in no way influenced it as I will be unveiling my favorite 100 songs of the year coming this Sunday. But here are your favorites:


1. Umbrella - Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

2. Stronger - Kanye West

3. Rehab - Amy Winehouse

4. Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John

5. The Way I Are - Timbaland featuring Keri Hilson and D.O.E.

6. Radio Nowhere - Bruce Springsteen

7. 1234 - Feist

8. What Goes Around.../...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

9. Again & Again - The Bird and the Bee

10. U + Ur Hand - P!nk

11. Love Song - Sarah Bareilles

12. Roc Boys (And The Winner Is)... - Jay-Z

13. Bonafied Lovin - Chromeo

14. It's Not Over - Daughtry

15. Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's

16. Lost - Michael Bublé

17. Must Be the Moon - !!!

18. Icky Thump - The White Stripes

19. Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

20. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

21. The Ain't a Scene, it's an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

22. Where I Stood - Missy Higgins

23. Stranger - Hilary Duff

24. Apologize - OneRepublic and Timbaland

25. The Man - Pete Yorn

Worst Albums of 2007

Since I have been completing my favorite songs of the year list for over a decade, thought out the years I hear five or songs and think, there a potential overall number one for this year. The thing is, this year not one song that came out that made me think that making me wonder if 2007 could be the worst year for music in my lifetime overtaking 1999. That was until I started compiling this list of the worst albums of the year and noticed that there were not that many bad albums. This year only two albums garnered the Low Terror Alert level compared with five last year (plus Paris Hilton who is still the only artist to get the elusive Terror Alert Black), and six the year before.

This could also be because there just seemed to be a lot less music period this year. Last year I reviewed about a hundred albums but this year just over fifty got reviewed. But looking over potential songs that will make the top 100 songs of the year, there does seem to be an overabundance of good songs, just not any great ones. In face, the fiftieth best song this year may be the best fiftieth song of all time. So I am ready to declare 2007 the Most Mediocre Year Ever.

With that said, there are a few albums that need to be noted for their unlistenablity. Here are the worst of the worst album that I reviewed in the past five months. If you are interested in reading my original review, click the link below the album, the album link goes to iTunes if you enjoy torture.


1. Blackout - Britney Spears
Musings from the Back 9: 90's Disposable Pop Edition

2. Curtis - 50 Cent
No More Platinum, I'm Wearing Gold

3. Jordin Sparks - Jordin Sparks
I Can't Waste Time so Give it a Moment

4. Underclass Hero - Sum 41
I'm a Voice to Offend

5. Shock Value - Timbaland
I've Been Killin em with These Beats

6. Katharine McPhee - Katharine McPhee
I Want This to Be Over, I So Want This to Be Through

7. Dignity - Hilary Duff
You Wanna Know Why I Look Sad and Lonely

8. Taking Chances - Céline Dion
I Had My Heart Beaten Down but I Always Come Back for More

9. Double Up - R. Kelly
Man, it’s Three’s Company, Call Me Jack Tripper

10. My December - Kelly Clarkson
You're Going Crazy, Running on Empty

11. Spider-Man 3 Soundtrack
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition vol. V

12. Unbreakable - Backstreet Boys
Musings from the Back 9: 90's Disposable Pop Edition vol. II

13. Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins
Despite All My Rage I am Still Just a Rat in a Cage

14. Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna
Now that it's Raining More than Ever

15. Infinity on High - Fall Out Boy
Long Live the Car Crash Hearts

We on Award Tour: 2007 MTV Video Music Awards

Remember the catchphrase from what I think was the eighth installment of the Lethal Weapon franchise when Danny Glover (or was it Mel Gibson) said, “I’m getting too old for this (expletive deleted)!” Well that is how I have felt after ever Video Music Awards since, um, when was the last time Chris Rock hosted? But I thought this year was different when the show was announced thanks to scheduled performers Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse. Apparently MTV got word of this and since they have been trying very hard to keep anyone that is actually older than they are, both ended up not being able to make it to the show.

And so went the interest as most anyone who isn’t a fourteen year old white girl that still thinks Fall Out Boy are cool. But in the end I guess it is good that neither made it because they probably would have just been relegated to singing for thirty second with Mark Ronson before MTV cut to commercial. Seriously, if I wanted to hear less than a minute of a song I’d watch TRL. Eighteen different acts were featured but only five get to perform a full song. Why bother? Apparently you can watch all the suite performances at MTV.com but you might as well wait until someone rips the best to mp3. Here are some other thoughts on the show:

- We start off with the fairly worthless pre-show where they roll out John Norris again. Did this guy sign some sort of life-long contract? MTV has a stricter age limit than Menoudo yet he still gets rolled out every year with his boyband circa 1999 haircut. And there is something to say that even though T.I. was in the building, he didn’t bother to show up for the chick from the Pussycat Dolls performance, who relied heavily on guided vocals, even though he appeared on the song.

- The big show started of with the much hyped Britney Spears performance and despite with expectations were so low she could walk over the bar, she still found a way to slither under it. Now I have never watched America’s Got Talent, but her performance is what I would imagine what a Britney impersonator’s that was let on the show just so the Hoff would have something to laugh at would look like. She didn’t bother to lip-sync half the time and was a half to full step behind her back up dancers half the time and looked lost half the time. But I guess it would be hard to remember the steps and to move your lips when you spent three minutes trying to hold in your gut. Note to Britney: fat people don’t walk around in their bra and panties. Yeah you could have pull that look off thirty pounds ago but you now either need to put some clothes on or work in a thousand sit ups a day.

- MTV seriously dropped the ball with the opening. They usher out a train wreck that hasn’t been musically relevant for half a decade for an embarrassing performance when they should have convinced Vanessa Hudgens open the show asking the crowd, “heard any good jokes lately?” (Thanks to everyone who pointed out why people she all the sudden became the most popular search to the 9th Green). Everyone would have talked around the watercooler today how great the opening was instead of how horrible it was. Well actually most of the watercooler talk today was, “wait, the VMA’s were last night?”

- Apparently MTV had a contingency plan in case the Brittney performance died like it did with Sarah Silverman coming out to make fun of her. Granted the best line was, “that’s not nice calling Madonna a python” as well as her backhanded comments to Paris Hilton who once again tried to look upset before breaking out laughing.

- Rihanna wins the Monster Single of the Year as well as the monster cleavage of the year award.

- Jennifer Hundson (as Alicia Keys calls her) comes out to give the most worthless award of the night, the quadruple threat award. Since when is having a clothing line a threat?

- Holy Pat Smear sighting!

- Kanye West and 50 Cent come out to hype their release date. I have said this before and I will say it again, for the love of hip-hop be sure to pick up Graduation this week so 50 retires for coming in second. Anyone find it interesting that no one even mentions Kenny Chesney who has a legitimate chance to outsell either of the rappers. Don’t underestimate the buying power of hillbillies. But any ways. Be sure to look out for my Kanye review tomorrow and 50 on Wednesday.

- Forty-five minutes into the award show and we get our first full performance by Chris Brown who did a much better job lip-syncing that Britney. But that really say much about it. But is does say something that Rihanna stole the show from him.

- Justin Timberlake’s music sucks massively and acts like a complete tool ninety-five percent of the time but I like his blast at MTV and their reality programming while accepting an award from The Hills (but I’d like to state for the record that I would definitely stand underneath the brunette’s umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh). But then lost points when saying that The Simpsons were part of MTV’s reality programming.

- Seriously, Cee-Lo singing Prince while being backed by the Foo Fighters only gets thirty seconds of airtime?

- I must take this time to apologize to CBS for creating the most appalling reality show ever with Kids Nation. I didn’t realize MTV would counter with A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila (whoever that is), your token Bachelor rip-off but with sixteen lesbians and straight dudes. But there is something to say that both channels are owned by the same company (keep in mind this is also the same company that axed Veronica Mars).

- Are we really supposed to believe Shia LeBeouf didn’t really have express written consent to reveal the new Indiana Jones title (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). That is just insulting our intelligence.

- Who keeps inviting Pamela Anderson to these things? She and Carmen Electra should be well into their begging to get on the Surreal Life point in their life but somehow they still get on big name events. What’s worst is supposedly she is the reason for the most interesting thing that happened all night (Kid Rock sucker punching Tommy Lee) and MTV didn’t even bother to air it.

- Speaking of overrated chicks, Megan Fox may be one of the few people that rival Anderson in that category. She announces Timbaland who does some weird thing before tossing it to Linkin Park. What was that? Why even bother? Why not just have Fox toss to Linkin Park. Timbaland is just completely worthless.

- During the pre-show Rihanna mentioned she was going to rock out tonight and I thought maybe she would be backed by New Order (Shut Up and Drive samples Blue Monday), but now it is just Fall Out Boy who just took home Best Group. Yawn.

- Alicia Keys adds some class to program even if she was wearing that looked like Olivia Newton-John combined her wardrobe from the final scene from Grease and the Physical video. The new song was decent, but I’m not sure where I come down on Freedom ’90. I was hoping that maybe she would bring out George Michaels but alas no.

- Jamie Foxx comes out to show everyone how much he has had to drink while in Vegas then shuts ups just long enough for Jennifer Garner announce the Best New Award as Gym Class Fallout. Yeah, that seems just about right.

- MTV then rolls out a week old joke that really wasn’t that funny a week ago in the Miss Teen South Carolina who flubs while pretending to flubs. Nice. At least she gave the Wu-Tang Clan a shout out.

- The big surprise guest of the night is Dr. Dre (who is disturbingly showing his age). No he didn’t perform or even receive a Lifetime Achievement Award or anything interesting, no he is just relegated to handing out Video of the Year to Rihanna.

- The show ends with Nelly Furtado, Timberlake and Timbaland each performing a verse from their latest song before getting together as the song they did together start only for the track to stop so abruptly that Timbaland had to inform everyone five seconds later that that’s the end of the show. How apropos of an end.

- I’m really getting too old for this (expletive deleted).

We on Award Tour: 2007 MTV Video Music Awards Nominations

The MTV Music Video Awards: once was the cream of the crop of all awards show now it is barely the most entertaining award show on its own network. Yeah this could be because of poor choices of hosts. No host announced for this year (yet?) but Timbaland has been named the music maestro whatever that means. There were some huge shake ups in the categories this year with a significantly less number of them than before including the category that were voted on by the fans, Viewers Choice and the MTV2 Award. Also gone are all the genre categories, so no rap, hip-hop, r&b, rock and pop. Although this year you can vote for the Best New Artist here. Also it looks like this year most of the categories are more about a portfolio of work rather than a specific video by an artist, a change I hate because it puts more focus on the artist instead of the video. But anyways.

The show airs September 9th and as part as being the music maestro Timbaland got to picvck the performers that will include himself (naturally), Chris Brown, Fall Out Boy, Foo Fighters, Rihanna, Kanye West, and Amy Winehouse. Lily Allen is also scheduled to perform but considering her work visa got yanked she may have to do so via satellite. Also Mark Ronson with be the house DJ this year. Now here are this year’s nominees:


Video of the Year
Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Beyoncé - Irreplaceable
Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around ...
Kanye West - Stronger
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z) - Umbrella

Who Will Win: What Goes Around…
Who Should Win: Stronger
Should Have Been Nominated: Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

Timberlake and Beyoncé so conventional wisdom says one of them will take home the biggest prize, not that either deserve it. Yeah What Goes Around… was entertaining in a they were actually taking it seriously kind of way but it doesn’t even rank in the top ten of the past year. But to look on the bright side, if either win Kanye just may storm the stage.


Male Artist of the Year
Akon - Don't Matter, I Wanna Love You (featuring Snoop Dogg), Smack That (featuring Eminem)
Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing, Stronger, Classic (Better Than I've Ever Been - DJ Premier remix, featuring Nas, KRS-One and Rakim)
Justin Timberlake - Let Me Talk To You/ My Love, SexyBack (featuring Timbaland), What Goes Around ...
T.I. - Big Things Poppin' (Do It), You Know What It Is (featuring Wyclef Jean), What You Know
Robin Thicke - Can U Believe, Lost Without U, Wanna Love You Girl (remix, featuring Busta Rhymes and Pharrell)

Who Will Win: Kanye West
Who Should Win: Kanye West
Should Have Been Nominated: Common

Here is my big complaint on the multiple videos thing; if Akon were to win do Snoop Dogg and Eminem get an award too or even allowed on stage? They may just give this to Kanye to appease him from getting too upset.


Female Artist of the Year
Amy Winehouse - Rehab, You Know I'm No Good
Beyoncé - Irreplaceable, Beautiful Liar (featuring Shakira)
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal), Glamorous (featuring Ludacris), Fergalicious (featuring Will.I.Am)
Nelly Furtado - Maneater, Say It Right
Rihanna - Umbrella (featuring Jay-Z)

Who Will Win: Beyoncé
Who Should Win: Beyoncé
Should Have Been Nominated: Lily Allen

It is a shame that Lily Allen isn’t included here because her trio of videos are more entertaining than any other anything else on this list, most of which are downright boring. Of course MTV would rather nominate the bigger stars in exchange for them to show up at the awards to perform or present. And did MTV run a test to make sure Fergie belongs in this here?


Best New Artist
Amy Winehouse - Rehab, You Know I'm No Good
Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
Gym Class Heroes - Clothes Off, Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America
Lily Allen - Alfie, Smile, LDN
Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks

Who Will Win: Gym Class Heroes
Who Should Win: Lily Allen
Should Have Been Nominated: Cold War Kids

It is odd that Underwood only has one video listed because she has released five videos off here album. Of course that is almost as odd as here getting a nomination at all because 1) her album was released a year and a half ago, 2) she doesn’t appeal to MTV’s core demographic. I wonder if she has ever been played on the channel. Again, you can vote for the Best New Artst. I am not going to say who you should vote for, but be sure you vote for Lily Allen


Best Group
Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race, Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
Gym Class Heroes - Clothes Off, Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America
Linkin Park - What I've Done
Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
White Stripes - Icky Thump

Who Will Win: Gym Class Hero
Who Should Win: Linkin Park
Should Have Been Nominated: Arctic Monkeys

This will most likely come down to Fall Out Boy and Gym Class Heroes but I think it will go to the latter signifying the end of the Fall Out Boy era. Hooray. As for quality it comes down to Linkin Park and the White Stripes, with LP having a slight edge.


Most Earthshattering Collaboration
Akon (featuring Eminem) - Smack That
Beyoncé and Shakira - Beautiful Liar
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland) - SexyBack
Gwen Stefani (featuring Akon) - The Sweet Escape
U2 (featuring Green Day) - The Saints Are Coming

Who Will Win: Beyoncé and Shakira
Who Should Win: U2 (featuring Green Day)
Should Have Been Nominated: Mark Ronson (featuring Lily Allen) - Oh My God

In an attempt to remain cool we get lame category names like Eathshattering. Yawn. You are showing your age MTV. And don’t ask me why all the videos are “featuring” someone except the Beyoncé and Shakira one.


Quadruple Threat of the Year
Beyoncé
Bono
Jay-Z
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Who Will Win: Justin Timberlake
Who Should Win: Bono
Should Have Been Nominated: Scooter McGavin

What does this even mean and why should we care?


Monster Single of the Year
Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Daughtry - Home
Fall Out Boy - Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
Lil Mama - Lip Gloss (No Music)
T-Pain (featuring Yung Joc) - Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')
Timbaland (featuring Keri Hilson, D.O.E. and Sebastian) - The Way I Are
MIMS - This Is Why I'm Hot
Plain White T's - Hey There, Delilah
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z) - Umbrella
Shop Boyz - Party Like A Rock Star

Who Will Win: Umbrella
Who Should Win: Hey There, Delilah
Should Have Been Nominated: Rockstar (Nickelback)

Just to show how out of touch I am with the current MTV generation (keep in mind I was part of the original generation), six of the ten nominations have a very good chance of showing up on my Worst Songs of 2007 list. And the other four won’t be charting very high on my 100 Best Songs of 2007 list either if at all. And can the Fall Out Boy single really be considered a “Monster” single? And why are the Video Awards honoring single? Well I guess it is better than the ring tone catagory last year. I could easily rattle off at least ten song that were bigger hits this past year. As for Nickelback, I am going to talk more about this song tomorrow (or by Friday at the latest).


I am not really one to comment on the technical awards but here are those:

Best Director
Beyoncé and Shakira - Beautiful Liar (director - Jake Nava)
Christina Aguilera - Candyman (directors - Matthew Rolston and Christina Aguilera)
Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around ... (director - Samuel Bayer)
Kanye West - Stronger (director - Hype Williams)
Linkin Park - What I've Done (director - Joseph Hahn)
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z) - Umbrella (director - Chris Applebaum)


Best Editing in a Video
Beyoncé and Shakira - Beautiful Liar (editor - Jarett Figl)
Gnarls Barkley - Smiley Faces (editor - Ken Mowe)
Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around ... (editor - Hollee Singer)
Kanye West - Stronger (editors - Peter Johnson and Corey Weisz)
Linkin Park - What I've Done (editor - Igor Kovalik)


Best Choreography in a Video
Beyoncé and Shakira - Beautiful Liar (choreographer - Frank Gatson)
Chris Brown - Wall To Wall (choreographers - Rich & Tone and Flii Styles)
Ciara - Like A Boy (choreographer - Jamaica Craft)
Eve - Tambourine (choreographer - Tahesha Scott)
Justin Timberlake - My Love (choreographer - Marty Kudelka)

Don't Download These Videos vol. XVIII

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I though I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form so here they are courtesy of YouTube. I advise you to watch them before you read my reviews if you don’t want me to spoil things. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available, if not the link goes to YouTube where you can watch the video in full screen). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Can’t Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West



As you would expect from a Hype Williams directed video, the visuals are striking. I not sold on the song yet. Not only has Kanye West released two of the best rap albums this decade, you can make an argument he has made two albums that stand up with the best over any genre this decade. But of his new songs he has released this song, also including Classic, are just good, not great. Well the Throw Some D’s Remix was great but in a “Weird Al” kind of way. But we will have to wait until November until we can hear Graduation in full. If you really like the video click the link above the video where you can download Can’t Tell Me Nothing on iTunes for the low, low price of Free.


Dance Tonight - Paul McCartney



Speaking of directors who always have striking visuals, Michel Gondry, best known for his Lego’s inspired clip for The White Stripes, has another great video, this time for Paul McCartney. And maybe taking a cue from Bob Dyan, who put Scarlett Johansson in his latest video, Sir Paul has countered with Natalie Portman. Unfortunately she plays a ghost. Oh well.


Icky Thump - The White Stripes



Speaking of The White Stripes, Jack is back with his, umm, wherever he’s calling Meg these days. And the time apart seemed to do some good because after relying on a full time bass guitar, Jack seems rejuvenated for his main band. Though I’m not sure I really want a thinly veiled political statement from the duo.


Throw it On Me - Timbaland and The Hives



Speaking of, okay, I really can’t tie in Timbaland here (though he does name from Kanye’s Golddigger). But really you can’t go wrong when combining The Hives (remember them, they had the uber-catchy Hate to Say I Told You So a couple years back), comic book cells, and hot WWF chick. But I guess it has been a while since I have watch wresting because I don’t recognized many of these girl, nor did I know it is no longer the WWF. But what is with the “To be continued…” Are we actually going to see more of this? I’m a little skeptical because I am still waiting for the conclusion of that .38 Special video, which sadly has yet to show up on YouTube yet.

I've Been Killin em with These Beats

In a measure of full discloser I’ve never been a big fan of producer Timbaland. His songs are too erratic. Certainly there are a few tracks that I’ve liked (We Need a Resolution, Big Pimpin’) but, really, if you have heard one Timbaland produced track, you have pretty much heard them all. And to call his most recent work, Timbaland Presents Shock Value, a solo album would be stretching it as only the opener Oh Timbaland is the only track that doesn’t have a featured guest. For those keeping track at home, the seventeen track disk features twenty-one different artists.

The album can be divided into three different sections starting off with the hip-hop section featuring raps from Dr. Dre, Missy Elliot, 50 Cent, Tony Yayo, and Timbaland’s longtime running partner Magoo, who, let’s face it was always the better rapper of the two. Much of the beats from this section sound like leftovers from the production of Justin Timberlake’s album, so much that I’m pretty sure that The Way I Are is straight off the album. Most of the guests are topical too as two of them name drop Britney Spears, one talking about her lack of undergarments the other about her lack of hair.

Timbaland on the other hand likes to spend most of his verses verbally assaulting Scott Storch which may be the softest feud since the Another Bad Creation/Kriss Kross feud of 1992. C’mon, in one corner you have the dude who gave up Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan and in the other the guy who produces ex-boy banders and Pussycat Dolls. But anyways. Even sillier choice of words goes to Timberlake as he tries to conjure up his inner gangster on the couple of tracks he shows up on. It really can’t be a good sign that Nelly Furtado seemed the most credible one on Give it to Me.

Next is the R&B section where Timbaland for the most part takes a back seat to singers as he is pretty non-existent on these track and doesn’t leave any vocals on Fantasy. He then breaks out of his box with the last section collaborating with rock acts She Wants Revenge, Fall Out Boy and The Hives for Throw it on Me which would have been a great track had Timbaland not started rapping on it. Timbaland saves the oddest partnership for last with 2 Man Show featuring Elton John who just contributes piano as the song only really features a choir singing a chorus while Timbaland just repeats nonsense. I guees in the end this disk is better than Diddy’s most recent star-studded affair in the battle of producers, but that really isn’t saying much. Hopefully Detox is coming out soon to show these two how it is done.

Song to Download - Come and Get Me

Timbaland Presents Shock Value gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Go ‘Head Be Gone with It

In a measure of full discloser, for the age ol’ debate of who from the boy band era sucked the least, I would always side with the Backstreet Boys. When it came down to, they were the better group to do karaoke to, and don’t try to tell me you and you’re boys never did a sing I Want it That Way at sometime in a drunken stupor. With that said, I won’t let bias taint my review of former the former *NSync member not currently making out with dude (well at least not in public), Justin Timberlake and his second solo outing FutureSex/LoveSounds.

The album starts out with the title track; well actually it is a little different as the song is entitled FutureSex/LoveSound because apparently the song just has a singular “sound” while the album as a whole has “sounds.” You’re a tricky one Justin Timberlake. The song plays almost like an intro that sets the mood with Timbaland futuristic beats that almost drown out the vocals that just repeat themselves anyways. Granted this intro drags on for almost four minutes, so the mood that is set isn’t a good one. The trend of futuristic beats follow for the next few songs making me feel like I’m in a techno club, but I haven’t taken the required mild altering drugs to make the music bearable.

Then about halfway through the album, the beats slow down and the song become more tolerable starting with the I Think She Knows (Interlude). It’s never a good sign when an interlude is one of the better songs on the album. This is actually attached to Love Stoned and in lies a major a major problem with the album, besides of course the music itself. A bunch of the songs blend into each other on the official track listing. To put it better there are sixteen different songs but there are only twelve tracks (if you are confused, check out iTunes or Amazon and it should make more sense).

Back to the music, once the tolerable arrives, it leaves just as quickly with the arrival of Oscar winners Three 6 Mafia. After hearing this song I have a better understanding why Crunchy Black left group (okay, I really have no clue why Crunchy Black left the group, or who Crunchy Black is, but I make it my mission to reference Crunchy Black as much as possible because it’s my new favorite name). And in his pitch to become the least credible rapper ever (which will be hard considering Nelly and Kevin Federline are still out there) the Antoine Merriwether look-a-like T.I. makes an appearance on My Love. Surprisingly his rap isn’t the most annoying part of the song as the intro could easily cause seizers and I would recommend pregnant women not listen to it. Then the once creditable Will.i.am shows up on Damn Girl (and the obscenity only get worse on the album as shown by the Parental Advisory sticker).

Then after fifty minutes of over-sexual music over headache inducing techno beats, TJ decides to make a social statement where he talks about how messed up things are in the world today on Until the End of Time. Ah, but wait, it’s all a rouse because he was using the end in near trick to bed some chick. Classy. And Prince better contact his lawyers because the song blatantly steals from The Beautiful Ones. On the next track Losing My Way, Timberlake makes a social commentary on crack but comes across as pretentious especially after saying, “I’m tired of trying to save the world” in the previous song. Then the song goes into almost parody mode when he brings in the church choir to close the song. I can just imagine JT in the studio thinking, “hey let’s bring in a church choir like on Man in the Mirror.” And we all know what happened to the dude who sang that song.

The album surprisingly ends with an actual song that doesn’t suck. Not surprising that (Another Song) All Over Again is the lone song produced by Rick Rubin who has worked on iconic albums like early Run-DMC ones and Johnny Cash’s American Recordings. The slow song recalls Memphis soul albums from the seventies to much effect. Now if Timberlake would recruit Rubin for his next album, make more songs like the closing track, and stop making inane goals like trying to bring SexyBack, that album may be worth listening to. And to that point, I don’t know why anyone would want to bring SexyBack because as a wise man once said, “It’s hip to be square.”

Song to Download - (Another Song) All Over Again

FutureSex/LoveSounds gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.