Best of the Week - 1/12/13

Quote of the Week: I would like to quote another MC: MC Hammer because when you take the Monet’s and the Mayonnaise, you can’t touch this. Am I right? (Ryan King, Go On)

Song of the Week: It's Oh So Quiet – Bjork (Bunheads)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Big Head Barry and the Monsters Never Ever Ever Getting Into the Hall of Fame, Like Ever: In his first ever time on the Baseball Hall of Fame ballot Barry Bonds received only 26.2% of the 75% needed to get elected into the Hall. Other first time ballot players who probably also roided up did not fair any better including Roget Clemons (37.6), Sammy Sosa (12.5). Other notable Big Heads previously on the ballot Mark McGwire (16.9) and Rafael Palmeiro (8.8) actually saw their percentages go down about three points each from last year which does not bode well for the cheaters. It is appropriate that when the three biggest suspected steroid users were on the ballot for the first time that no one was inducted (the first since 1961), thought Craig Biggio, who had the most votes at 68.2% should have gotten in.

Preview Picture of the Week:

Justified "Where's Waldo?" Tuesday at 10:00 on FX

Free Download of the Week: Vangaurd / Sugar Hill Records: The Americana Sessions

New Album Release of the Week: Things I Should Let You Know - Seth Glier

New DVD Release of the Week: The Possession

Video of the Week: When it was announced that the next season of Survivor would be Fans vs. Favorites II I said I would be irate if Kat from One World was not involved. Well consider me irate. Okay, I was irate that night when someone pointed out that the cast list had leaked months earlier. And as bad as the cast looked on paper, Francesca, the first voted off Redemption Island, another season for another annoying Hantz family member, this time Brandon, they actually looked worse in the promo. Did anyone really want to see more of Brenda or Corrine. At least they did bring back the clinically insane Special Agent Philip Sheppard, the clinically idiotic Erik Reichenbach (most famous, well, only famous for the first fans vs. favorites showdown when he gave away his Immunity Idol and then promptly being voted out), and the clinically attractive Andrea Boehlke. Here is hoping the show did a much better job casting the fans this time around.


Next Week Pick of the Week: Shameless, Sunday at 9:00 on Showtime: Even if you do not subscribe, you can still watch the third season premiere thanks to the Showtime free preview this weekend (and thanks to on-demand, you can even watch previous seasons). You can check out my full preview of the new season here.

57 Channels and Only This Is On - 8/6/11

Quote of the Week: How accurate was The Wire? (Student – Weeds)

Song of the Week: Alien – Carey Brothers (Pretty Little Liars)

Big News of the Week: The Debt Ceiling Raised: Since Republicans do not want to do anything to help the economy in hopes of taking back the White House next year and Democrats do not have the marbles to push legislation without compromise through like Bush did last decade, we were stuck hearing about the debt ceiling while our congressmen played political chicken with the word’s economy. Considering it would be a lose-lose-lose type situation if the debt ceiling limit was not raised, it was done at the last minute. All this led to an all time 14% approval rating of Congress which puts them somewhere between LeBron James and Casey Anderson.


Leverage: Oh you silly promo monkeys making us think that Eliot gets shot during the episode, but never actually gets caught in the cross hairs at all. But I did like the ingenious way of getting the daughter’s breath to open the panic room. You can stream recent episodes on TNT.tv.

Falling Skies: I swear those creatures controlling the Skidders are those long necked creatures from Star Wars on the planet where the clones are being made. We also get some interesting exposition that if you have a harness on for so long, you may turn into a skidder. But I still do not particularly care much about any of the characters. You can stream recent episodes over at tnt.tv.

Switched at Birth: I wonder if Deafenstien is an actual movie because I think I may want to add it to my queue. You can stream the show on Hulu.

Pretty Little Liars: I have long questioned Big Head Barry’s assertion that he did not knowingly take steroids, but after seeing Emily was tricked by “A,” maybe Barry Bonds too was stalked by an omnipresent person that tricked him into using The Cream, The Clear and Beef Roids. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.

The Nine Lives of Chloe King: I am beginning to think that empathy thing that Chloe does may be the most worthless superpower ever. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.

Rescue Me: It is a shame that Mike and White Shawn are not featured in more scenes because even seven years later they are still comedy gold. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.


Free Download of the Week: Dawes / Blitzen Trapper Tour Sampler (dawestheband.com): Dawes and Blitzen Trapper are hitting the road starting tomorrow in Petaluma, California and going through November. Head over to Dawes website to get the full list and while you are there you can download a sampler from both bands which includes Blitzen Trapper’s Furr which it worth the download by itself.

New Album Release of the Week: Watch the Throne - Jay-Z and Kanye West

New DVD Release of the Week: Paul

Next Week Pick of the Week: Falling Skies, Sunday at 9:00 on TNT: Stop me if you have heard this one before: a sci-fi show that sounds great on paper but ends up being mediocre in practice. And that was the same for Falling Skies. Things did start to build up in the last episode so hopefully the season can go out with a bang with their two hour finale. Also, star Noah Wiley will be live tweeting during the episode @fallingskiesTNT.

57 Channels and Only This Is On vol. CXXXI

Chuck: Of course Superman isn’t dead, simply pumping him with bullets will just annoy him. And annoy everyone who was happy to see Superman gone from the show. The only thing worse than having Superman around again: Jesffster breaking up. Hopefully a reunion tour is already in the works. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Chuck on iTunes.

How I Met Your Mother: How did nobody point out the most in sulting part of the movie based on Ted’s life: being portrayed by Chris Kattan. You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

The Big Bang Theory: I loved how everyone looked so different a couple years ago, yet Sheldon looks exactly the same. And we finally find out how the elevator got broken. See Lot, it is possible to give satisfying answers. You can download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Castle: I really hope that next season doesn’t turn into a season of will they or won’t they with near misses every couple episodes. But it looks pretty clear they are going into that direction. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes. Also be sure to check out my chat with Stana Katic.

Lost: Only two and a half more hours and I don’t have to watch the show again. Can’t wait. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Justified: With the condition that he will keep his robe on, can we make Stephan Root a recurring character? With Winona as a court reporter, it cannot be that hard to write him into the show. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Justified on iTunes.

Parenthood: When did Patty Prior turn into such a good actress? My heart was breaking right along with hers during the episode. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Parenthood on iTunes.

Modern Family: I guess it is a good thing Hailey didn’t go to the Lakers game because of the run in with Kobe because he has been known to being attracted to girls of that age and skin color and doesn’t like the word no. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Community: When I saw they going towards the obvious who will he pick cliffhanger I first wondered how are they going to turn the overused plot point on its head. My second thought was, they better not end it with Jeff picking Annie as the big twist. Naturally I was a bit disappointed with the ending. You can stream current episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

Friday Night Lights: I literally stood up and clapped at the end of Buddy’s speech at the boosters party. Hopefully more people follow Buddy and put some support behind the Lions. And I also have a solution to the anemic Lions bleacher situation, bring in Mama Smash, she is better than a whole team of cheerleaders. And I hope this week we saw the conclusion of the art internship, because I am ready to move on from the storyline as a viewer. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.

57 Channels and Only This Is On vol. CXXIII

Tool Academy: Human lie detector? Seriously? What is most disturbing is they said the chick’s testimony holds up in the court of law. I’m fidgety in any situation, whether I am lying or not. Hopefully I am never falsely but in that kind of situation. You can stream recent episodes over at vh1.com. You can also download Tool Academy on iTunes.

Chuck: I cannot express how much I hate when an episode starts in the third act then pulls the “X Amount of Time Earlier” place card. Is it anymore surprising that it was Casey that shot the double agent had we not heard the gun shot a half an hour earlier? Not for me. At least Big Mike mentoring Casey on how to deal in real life was entertaining. Well except for eating after Jeff took a bite out of the sandwich, that was gross. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Chuck on iTunes.

How I Met Your Mother: Do the writers even watch their own show? Or did they just conveniently forget that Barney wasn’t always the suave businessman we know today but was once a tree hugging hippie and certainly had a few bad pictures taken during his soul patch phase, because there is no way to take a good picture when you have a soul patch (um, not that I know from personal experiences or anything). You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

The Big Bang Theory: I have been waiting for it for three season and we finally got a drunken Sheldon. Unfortunately Penny is for some reason still with Leonard so we did not get my dream scenario of Sheldon waking up next to her. You can download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Greek: Arg, how could they break up Laura and Dale the same episode we find out about them? Hopefully Dale comes to his senses and doesn’t mind going back into the (pantry) closet. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Castle: Oh snap. Certainly they didn’t actually kill off Beckett (I hope) but that doesn’t make the ending any less shocking. Should be interesting how next week plays out. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes. Also be sure to check out my chat with Stana Katic.

Lost: Much like a We Are the World remake, I thought a Richard Alpert centric episode would be fool proof, but leave it to Lost (and Lil Wayne’s auto-tune) to make me look like a fool for thinking that. To make things worse, we finally get the big reveal of what is up with the island (I think) and I still left the episode disappointed. First we get all of two minutes in present day. Then for the flashback, instead of a full two hundred(ish) years of Alpert’s existence we only get a less than a year in the life of Richard. What about how Richard recruited all the Others like Whitmore, Eloise Hawking, Zeke et. al. There was some much they could have done with this hour and I left feeling cheated. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Justified: Whereas most procedurals seem to deal with criminal masterminds, it looks like Justified will be dealing with the criminals on the short end of the gene pool which I am all for. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Justified on iTunes.

Parenthood: Note to self: if I ever find myself having to talk to a kid who spends too much time in the show, do not, under any circumstance, start quoting Woody Allen. But I wonder if showing this episode would work instead. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Parenthood on iTunes.

Mercy: I was wondering when the insurance company would come for Sonia for killing the old lady a couple weeks ago. I really didn’t think that it would just go away as easily as they planned it. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Mercy on iTunes.

Modern Family: A pretty flat episode with little to laugh at this week aside from some of the Cameron/Gloria scenes. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains: It is time to add someone else into the pantheon of Dumb Survivor Moves. In fact the only two dumber movies in Survivor history that Tyson letting Russell convince him to vote for Parvati would be Erik giving up the Immunity Necklace to be promptly voted out and James getting voted out with two Immunity Idols in his pocket.

But Russell showed this week why he shouldn’t even be in the discussion for Greatest Survivor History and that is because he plays the dumbest social game. I bet one of the biggest reasons he didn’t win was because at the last tribal to play it, he whipped out the Immunity Necklace and didn’t even bother to play it. And this week, instead of simply giving his Idol to Parvati before Tribal, he had to make this grand douchebag pronouncement before doing so. He is lucky the other tribe didn’t get to sit in for it. You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com.



Community: Annie as a bad cop? Yes please. But Glendale should be happy that April Fools Day got banned because it is the most worthless holiday. Pranks are not at all funny when they are expected. That is why I pull all of mine on March 31st when people least expect it. You can stream current episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

57 Channels and Only This Is On vol. LXVII

Quote of the Week: He’s Korean, I’m from Encino. (Miles, Lost)

Song of the Week: Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers (as sung by Raj, The Big Bang Theory)

Big News of the Week: I’m Sorry Alex Rodriquez, You’re Just a Tool: I’m not sure what was less surprising, that Michael Phelps got caught with his lips halfway down a bong pipe or that A-Roid failed a drug test. Which begs the question, what will opposing fans taunt A-Roid more about next year: his steroid abuse or hooking up with Madonna. Or option C that A-Roid will get caught up in something else will come up between now and opening day.

Coalition Links of the Week:
Buzz threw caution (and logic) to the wind and made her picks for this year's American Idol top 12. (BuzzSugar)

The smile and blond hair have a lot to do with it, but Vance still defends The Mentalist (with Simon Baker) is way more fun to watch than a procedural has any right to be. (Tapeworthy)

This week, Jace reviewed the first few episodes of Joss Whedon's new FOX drama Dollhouse, starring Eliza Dushku. (Televisionary)

Yeesh! Not even a decent Weekend Update could save a pretty dismal Bradley Cooper-hosted Saturday Night Live. (TiFaux)

Kate and Raoul rounded up all of their remaining questions about Battlestar Galactica. (TV Filter)

Tool Academy: It is pretty clear that Tommy should win because he was the only one who opted out of getting the Tool Academy tattoo. And not only did the other Tools got the tattoo but they got a huge version of the crest of it. That alone should disqualify them. And after this episode it is clear that they need to do a female version of the show. Although I am not sure what they can call it because all the common derogatory terms for females won’t get past the censors. You can also download Tool Academy on iTunes.


The Big Bang Theory: Leonard’s mom being a female version of Sheldon was cheesy, cliché formulaic and fracking hilarious. Her calling out Raj and Howard’s homosexual relationship may have been the funniest thing the show has ever done. The look on Howard’s face was priceless. Then Leonard made possible the dumbest mistake since Chris Webber trying to call a time-out. Just shut up and head for home. You can stream current episodes over at Innertube. You can also download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Trust Me: The whole Conner going after a pregnant ex-girlfriend really struck me the wrong way like the writers were purposefully trying to destroy the character before the show could get off the ground. Really quite disturbing. You can also download Trust Me on iTunes.

Lost: I have this sinking sensation that soon we will be dealing with three separate time period: the people still on the island circa 2006 (or wherever they may be), the Oceanic Six circa today, and Locke circa wherever he may have been warped to via the frozen donkey wheel. Of which supposable stopped the time warp according to Jack’s dad. As annoying as the multiple warping per episode I’ll be disappointed because there are still plenty of unanswered questions I thought we would get during all the flashes.

Freshest in my mind is there are still holes in the Rousseau backstory. Like we learned that she wasn’t in fact crazy and killed her team for no reason but what exactly infected her team and why did she survive? Or how did she go from having a French accent to a strong Serbian one?

We also can deduce a few things like that Locke will come back to life because he still has to tell non aging dude where, and when, to find him after being shot by Ethan. We may also be able to assume that when Locke un-jammed the Donkey Wheel that the people still on the island won’t get warped back to 2006 but will be stuck in whatever time they last were. And considering Faraday has to tell Charlotte not to come back to the island and he starts working for Dharma, as seen in the premiere, that they are suck in the sixties somewhere.

As for the Oceanic Six, we get the most anti-climatic reveal of the show that Faraday’s mother is the person working with Not-Henry. And not a peep from Desmond who saw her in his flashback/mind warp thing. And then after making a big deal about everyone going back for two seasons, she just like oh well when just three of them show up. Although I wonder if Not-Henry knows about Penny and Desmond and deduce that she is in the vicinity to kill. You can stream current episodes over at ABC.com.



Friday Night Lights: I’m not sure what was the best part of the episode, Landry listening to Skid Row, Riggins repeating Buddy’s mantra to everyone, or Herc defense as to why it is okay to have pornography around babies. Oh have I missed Herc. They really need to work him into the show more. You can stream current episodes over at NBC.com.



Also check out my First Impressions of Survivor: Tocantins.

Free Download of the Week: Money (feat. David Byrne, Chuck D, Ras Congo, Seu Jorge & Z-Trip) - N.A.S.A. (Amazon MP3): Yes you read that correctly, Chuck D and David Byrne on the same track. And the song is as weird and awesome as you would expect it would be. And for you dudes out there without any Valentines you can rest in the solace that the The 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Show is currently free on Amazon Video on Demand. For those that do, Amazon MP3 is offering up Let’s Get it On by Marvin Gaye for free today only (see banner below).



Deals of the Week:
Wild About Whedon: Save 45% on Joss Whedon TV DVDs (Buffy, Angel, Firefly)

TV Glamour Girls: Save up to 50% (Veronica Mars, Joan of Arcadia)

Save up to 65% on TV Show Bundles (My Name Is Earl, How I Met Your Mother)

Save up to 57% on New and Old Classic TV Shows (Wonderfalls, In Living Color)

Next Week Pick of the Week: Leverage, Tuesday at 10:00 on TNT: Gotta love the promo for the show that hypes “Either Nate gets his vengeance or his friends go to jail for the rest of their lives.” I am going out on the limb and predict that the latter won’t be happening. But anyways. Tuesday starts off a two part season finale of what turned out to be the best new show of 2007. Then if in time for the second part on February 24, TNT is running an all day marathon airing the previous 12 episodes beginning at 10:00 A.M.

By the Power of Gray Skull, I Have the Power

Like many dudes my age, my childhood toy box was filled with plenty of Transformers and Hot Wheels. But the favorite for me were the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, this month’s induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame. Sure it is easy to look back now and without a shadow of a doubt that He-Man was a juicer, only Barry Bonds had a bigger transition than He-Man did when he transformed from Prince Adam, but the memories are still there.

That is mostly because Big Head He-Man really never ranked in my top five favorites in the series. Easily my favorite of the Masters of the Universe wasn’t even technically a Master as it was one of Skeletor’s minions, Kobra Khan. That was a must annoy the parents until they cave and buy it situation when he came out if only because he could spray water out of his mouth. I am sure I cried for weeks when one of my uncles broke the neck, making the spray function useless.

The toys have had an auspicious track record outside the action figure line and cartoons. The movie version, starring Courtney Cox, could be the worst film adaptation with only Super Mario Bros. able to jump in that argument. . Maybe not so ironically both fantasy movies had plotlines where the protagonists came to Earth. But anyways. Sadly it looks like they are going to try a new live action version in the new future. And the toys really only live on today in jokes about certain starlets of today and their resemblance to Skeletor.

Then a recent reboot of the franchise back in 2002 with a reinstruction of the action figure and a Cartoon Network show, the first volume of which my sister and all her infinite wisdom though I would enjoy and gave it to me as a gift. And darn if nostalgia made me give it a look. The new show is very reminiscent of the cartoon of my youth right down to the cheesy, in a good way, moral epilogues. although He-Man is a little more ambiguously gay this time around. Volume two was recently released with the third and final one later this year, which may just have to be added to my Christmas list.

Big Head Timbaland and the Monsters

Please, if you will, hop in the Scooter McGavin Time Machine (patent pending) all the way back to June 14, 2006 when right here on the 9th Green I wrote:

“If rap had a drug policy, Timbaland would be slapped with a 50 day suspension by now. Dude makes Big Head Barry look like Barry Bonds circa when I Got a Man was popular (Scooter’s Note: I had just made a Positive K reference earlier in the post).”

So it came to little surprise when I saw this headline today: 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Wyclef, Timbaland Reportedly Named in New York Steroids Probe. Okay, a little surprised; seriously, Mary J, Blige? No word yet if this will keep any of them out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (not that any of them beside Blige has even the smallest chance of getting in). Also as head scratching was the inclusion of actor, writer, director Tyler Perry. Do you really need HGH to dress like an old black chick? Certainly the prosthetics that Eddie Murphy uses can’t cost much more than black market steroids.

What is disturbing about all this is that according to the Albany Times Union, many of the artists listed in the probe got their prescriptions were signed by South Florida osteopath Dr. Gary Brandwein who happened to also be the doctor who prescribed drugs to Chris Benoit and sadly we all know how that turned out. As of press time, only a spokesperson of Blige responded saying, “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.”

I wonder if the others will pull out the old classics “I unknowingly took them” or “I was only given B-12 shots” or “I just took them once and didn’t like them” or my personal favorite, “I was going to try them until I saw the needles, I don’t do needles man.” Granted much like Big Head Barry’s ever growing head, the videos below featuring Timbaland and 50 Cent (who allegedly used the pseudonym Michael Jordan to obtain his HGH) pretty much speak for themselves:

Big Head Barry and the Indictments

Well the Feds finally came down on Big Head Barry with four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice and surprisingly with all my hatred of the oversized dome in recent years; I met the news with apathy. I came to the realization near the end of the past season, a season where I did not watch one game of for the first time possibly ever, that aside for maybe Craig Biggio and David Eckstein, I’m pretty sure everyone else is on something. There is a poll right now on ESPN.com asking what should be done with the home run record with options of nothing, asterisk, almost fifty percent of the almost 100,000 responses said they should be stricken from the record books completely.

Of course that will never happen and the best anyone can ask for is an asterisk which No Back Bone Bud Selig will be happy to comply. For me I think it should go further and after baseball implements an Olympics style drug testing, complete with B samples for future tests that haven’t been invented yet, they stricken the whole steroids era. I am content with thinking the last fifteen to sixteen years haven’t happened. In fact, just contract all the expansion teams during that time too because the watered down talent has hurt the game to. And while we are at it, throw in a salary cap. Maybe then I’ll start caring about baseball again.

Of course another reason why I stopped caring about the indictment was that the story preempted Pardon the Interruption. Couldn’t they let Tony and Mike break the story and have Five Good Minutes with Peter Gammons? Ugg. But anyways. Here are some articles from ESPN.com about the indicted including the actual indictment of Barry Lamar Bond (wait, Big Head Barry’s middle name is Lamar? Of course he was evil, have you ever met a non-evil Lamar?)

Bonds indicted on perjury, obstruction charges
Bonds latest name on sports' infamous legal list
Timeline: Bonds and steroid allegations
Indictment brings Bonds full circle
United States v. Barry Lamar Bonds
Polling the reaction of SportsNation


And in another sport related story, I would like to congratulate the New York Yankees on guaranteeing that they will not win another World Series in the next decade (see A-Rod, Yankees agree on outline of contract).

Big Head Barry and the Monsters: 756

It is hard to write something on a day like today so I will just man up and congratulate Big Head Barry on his asterisk. One of my heroes, Michael Wilbon was actually able to write something on the subject, so head over to his column to read that: Tarnished Records Deserve an Asterisk. Now if you excuse me, I have to go pray Alex Rodriguez hits 257 home runs tonight.

The Return of Big Head Barry and the Monsters

I had my review of Ego Trip’s The (White) Rapper Show all ready to go but I had to put that on the back burner once again because my favorite oversized dome made it into the news again. It was reported today that Big Head Barry failed a drug test. Take that all you Bonds backers who said he never failed a drug test because he will forever have one on his resume. Well that and already admitting to using The Cream and The Clear in his grand jury testimony. Although it’s an odd time for this to be released considering that the season ended about four months ago but that is because he failed the test six months ago. As always Major League Baseball is on top of things. And taking a page out of George Bush’s playbook, the buck stops somewhere over there when Big Head Barry blamed the failed test on something he took out of former teammate Mike Sweeney’s locker. So we can add thief to liar and druggie. Well unless he lied about being a thief because guess who didn’t test positive for the drug that was stolen out of his locker: Mike Sweeney.

This wasn’t the best week for oversized domes as surely you all know by now that the original Big Head, Mark McGwire was rejected in his first try into the Baseball Hall of Fame garnishing on 23.5 percent of the 75 percent needed to get in. I never understood the argument for McGwire getting in because even if you took away the cloud of steroids out of the equation he was a mediocre at best player who just had about three great years which were based mostly on the number of home runs he hit. He couldn’t much else and was at times a liability on the field. Other oversized domes didn’t fair as well as McGwire as former Surreal Lifer Jose Canseco only got 1.1 percent of the votes while the first steroid admitter, the late Ken Caminiti received just two votes. Also not receiving enough votes to stay on the ballot for next year (you need at least 5 percent of the vote) was Joey Bell at 3.5 who I’m surprised has avoided all the steroids talk as he is a known cheater who sent a bat boy through the air ducts to steal his corked bats from the umpires.

In non baseball news, THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Okay it’s not the Redcoats, it just David Beckham who signed on to play with the Los Angeles Galaxy. This is notable for two reasons, one I find this quote by Becks funny, “I've played now for two of the biggest clubs in the world and played at the highest level for 15 years, and now I think that I need another challenge.” What challenge is that, a less superior league? How is that a challenge? The second is that he will presumably bring along his wife best now on this side of the pond as Posh Spice, whom not only I once met, I also royally irritated her in our meeting. Fun times.

Big Head Floyd and the Monsters

Every morning when I fire up the computer and hop onto the internet, the very first place I go, considering it is my homepage, is ESPN.com. And when the page loaded I met with the not so surprising lead story of Floyd Landis “B” sample coming back positive for abnormal levels of testosterone. After a week of hearing excuses after excuses of why he failed the first test, from shots of whiskey to cortisone shots, it was almost as if they were bracing for a second failed test instead of expecting the test to exonerate Landis. With all of his excuses, as well everyone else's, there is something to be said about the steriod user that looks the best now is the only one to come out and said, yeah, I used them to make me better in Jose Cansaco.

Speaking of other athletes and their excuses, if there was one bit of relief for Landis was that there was another positive test recently by an athlete in a sport that people actually care about with Justin Gatlin, the supposed fastest man in the world. Big Head Justin was even able to come up with a more insane excuse than Big Head Floyd with the “a masseuse with a grudge rubbed him down with the infamous The Cream” excuses. This begs the question, why go to a masseuse that doesn’t like you? He was also able to pull out the most guilty excuses out, the one patented by the biggest oversized dome of the all Barry Bonds with the “I never knowingly took any banned substances.” And to further prove Gatlin’s guilt, much like Bonds, his trainer/coach, Trevor Graham, was linked to the BALCO probe. Oh, and for those keeping track at home, Graham has coached six athletes that have received drug suspensions.

With these two high profile cases the latest of a laundry list steroid abusers dating all the way back to Ben Johnson back in Seoul (seriously, like a Canadian can run fast, talk about red flags) the best show currently on television, Pardon the Interruption even with the hateable Dan LeBatard, debated if we can trust any athlete to be clean. Mike Wilbon brought up Derek Jeter but I’m not sure if I can trust anyone who place baseball, football, or hockey not too mention the lesser sports. They only sport I can remotely trust is clean basketball, and by clean I mean of performance enhancing drugs because they have plenty of other problems including reports from players that over fifty percent of the league enjoys the sticky icky and there is even a franchise nicknamed the Jailblazers, although the Cincinnati may have to co-opt that name soon.

I know some of you may think I’m a hypocritical for the time I mentioned I coerced a young cousin to move my ball during the bi-annual McGavin Family Croquet Deathmatch, but to me there is a big different with cheating and chemically altering you body. Growing up, I loved hearing of stories of pitchers doctoring the baseball with nail files and storing Vaseline in their pocket or even dudes, much like George Brett, who lathered a little too much pine tar on their bat. I grew up being taught if you aren’t cheating you’re not trying. But I draw the line with putting things into my body, especially the kind that makes Little Scooter, well, more little. Not only is it wrong, it’s downright creepy.

But it will be the baseball writers will be the one who will be determining the legacy of steroids as more and more oversized domes become eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame in the next couple of years starting next year with Big Head Mark Mcgwire. Personally if it were up to me, I would induct Cal Ripkin Jr. and Tony Gwinn next year and not induct anyone else for the next fifteen years except some old timers that were overlooked the first couple times they were on the ballot.

And there is an easy solution to the steroids problem. It is no coincidence that the use of performance enhancing drugs skyrocketed at the same time player salaries did. Back in the eighties no one made more than a million dollars but today even players that haven’t play a game routinely make millions of dollars. And what is one to do with all that disposable income, one would make sure that income keeps coming in especially when others are trying to get an unfair advantage. So here is my solution, one that have advocated for a long time and would be the first thing I would implement if I Ruled the World (right after I freed all my sons, you know, because I love ‘em, love ‘em baby) would be a salary cap. Now this salary cap wouldn’t be like the one’s today that put a cap on players salary, no this one would instead benefit the fan, it would be a cap on ticket prices and here it is the max places would be able to charge for different sports.

Baseball - $10
Basketball, Hockey, Soccer - $15
Football - $20
World Cup, Olympics, other special events - $25

So a family of four could go out to a ballgame for less than forty buck, what a novel idea. And of course to keep from pouching other aspects there would be a cap on parking and food too.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. XI

- As a big fan of lists, sometimes the absurd are more entertaining than the serious ones like Blender’s 25 Biggest Wusses… Ever! And you know you’re in for some big girly-men when Barry Manilow doesn’t even crack the top ten. But with every list there are the snubs the biggest being James Blunt and it’s odd that Hilary Duff (one of only two females) made the list yet the dude who’s dating Hilary Duff doesn’t. And what does it say about me that I own albums by five of the artists on the list, six if owning a Chicago album counts for Peter Cetera.

- In more horrible music news, Nicole Ritchie is next socialite to record an album. And before you tell me this isn’t a Paris Hilton situation because she is related to someone with actual talent, Lionel Richie, let me remind you she was adopted. Adopted or not, I really wish Nicole would stop tarnishing Lionel’s greatness (and no, he didn’t appear on the Wusses list).

- In more wusses new, Big Head Ozzie is at it again when he ripped apart another pitcher for not retaliate for a teammate being hit properly. Who cares that Jon Garland went into the ninth for a win when he won’t participate in an arcane tradition. And of course the wuss of the story is Bud Selig who won’t suspend Ozzie Guillen even though this will be the second time he ordered a pitcher to throw at someone.

- In more oversized dome news, happy birthday to Big Head Bonds who got an early present when he escaped indictment for the second time. But thanks to his attorney taunting the federal prosecutor, it looks like he will try to make the third time a charm. Maybe this time, try catching Big Head Barry and the Monsters making a ham sandwich because I heard those were so east to indict.

- Expect a few album reviews this week as there are a few good, or at the very least newsworthy, albums being released tomorrow with something for everyone, a little rock, rap, pop, and maybe some R&B.

- The television season ended two months ago yet asides from Rescue Me there hasn’t been anything to watch even though I people continually talking about dudes singing karaoke, dudes dancing, dudes sitting around doing nothing, dudes embarrishing themselves in front of David Hasselhoff, chicks hanging out in Los Angeles. Yawn, yawn, and more yawning. Wake me up in two weeks when the real summer television season starts. Chek out this clip courtesy of YouTube for a preview:




And as an added bonus, here’s some casting footage (you may not want to play this at work, or really if there is anyone around):




- And lastly I will be starting up a fantasy football league soon so if you are interested in getting beat like red-headed stepchild participate, shoot be an e-mail, ScooterKSU@aol.com.

Big Head Ozzie and the Monsters

First let me clarify Ozzie Guillen’s oversized dome isn’t due to performance enhancers like say, Big Head Barry, instead it is thanks to his bloated ego. And the more he hears himself talk, the larger it gets. His most recent growth spurt in the head started last week when dude puts a pitcher, Sean Tracy, on the mound for the sole purpose of plunking someone just because another pitcher beamed A.J. Pierzynski, rightfully so, a couple times. When the pitcher was unable to hit the guy Guillen picked out for retaliation, he then promptly sends the pitcher back to minors. What a bush league thing to do. And even though Guillen all but admitted to ordering the plunking, Bud Selig, like always, just turned his head. If this was David Stern, there would be a lot of money going to a charity of his choice by now. Granted this is all just another reason to hate the American League and their horrible idea called the designated hitter.

But the bigger, and more recent case of Guillen loving to hear himself talk is when he turned sights onto Chicago writer, and one of the many reasons not to watch Around the Horn, Jay Mariotti whom Guillen said of, “What a piece of (expletive deleted) he is, (expletive deleted) (derogatory term for homosexual).” Now I could care less what people say, I’ve heard a lot worse come out of kids that haven’t hit puberty yet. But here’s why I’m offended, that he’s throwing around insults that dudes in Middle School use as frequently as “The.” I’d like to think a grown adult, especially one who is in a position that requires a lot of public speaking, could come up with a more original insult that a sixth grader.

Well I was offended until I heard his apologies, which could rank as one of the greatest apologies of all time: “I don't have anything against those people. In my country, you call someone something like that and it is not the same as it is in this country.” Nothing says I’m sorry like referring to those you offended as “those people.” Oh, and Guillen has lived in the United States for twenty years and is a naturalized citizen, so that throws away that excuse. And when he said he apologized to “the people I offended” he actually used air quotes. Classy.

But that’s not the part that makes it the best apology ever, this is; Guillen further explained to Greg Couch of the Sun-Times that he has no problem with gays, and that he has gay friends, goes to WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago. Really nothing says how gay friendly you are then going to WNBA games and Madonna concerts. I'm surpised he didn't bust out, "and I watch Will and Grace." This apology could actually be more insulting then the original slur. Oh, also lost in the apology, he called Mariotti “a piece a (expletive deleted)” again, twice, and threw in “he’s not a man” for good measure. Best apology ever.

Then after his initial comments, Guillen then got thrown out of that night’s game after one of pitcher, David Riske actually succeeded in plunking a batter in retaliation. Then today, surprisingly Bud Selig handed down some punishment for his actions. And for those keeping track at home, here’s the tally: Ordering a pitcher to plunk someone and missing - none; Ordering a pitcher to pluck someone and succeeding - one game suspension and undisclosed fine; Making offensive statements - undisclosed fines.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. X - Sports Edition

- For those who watched the season finale of Everybody Hates Chris, you saw a hilarious montage about how people go all out for Mother’s Day, but Father’s Day is basically an afterthought for most of us. But it looks like Major League Baseball, after going all out with their breast cancer awareness on Mother’s Day (see - Think Pink), are not forgetting the less fair sex. This Sunday at all MLB games they will be holding the 7th Inning Stretch an inning early. Why you ask, it’s to point out that one out of every six male will be diagnosed with prostate cancer in their lifetime. Granted not as cool as pink bats, nor is it getting the same amount of press (I couldn’t even find anything about it on espn.com), but it is something.

- Much like many of March Madness brackets where I knew I was out of it after the first weekend, I think you can put a fork in my World Cup picks. After the first full week of games I’ve gotten ten of twenty games right putting me in almost in the fortieth percentile. Of course I doubt I’m not the only one that had Equator advancing. But I did have the four other teams that have already punched their tickets in (Germany, England, Argentina, Netherlands, see the rest of my picks - Are You Ready for Some Football?). Hopefully the USA can pull out a win against Italy so I can salvage that pick of them advancing.

- To protect his strained oblique muscle, Big Head Barry has taken to wearing a girdle. The oversized dome is now officially gone from laughable to sad. I don’t even know what else to say.

- Lastly, I would like thank everyone who participated in yesterday’s Lyrics Quiz as it was one of the rare quizzes where I didn’t have to go to the hints to get some guessed. Granted the power ballad is a pretty narrow subject as most of them hold a soft spot in our hearts. I’m not too surprised that Guppyman came out triumphant because the theme seemed right up his alley and now he is firmly planted on my Lyrics Quiz Winners list on my sidebar. If you would like to join him, or move higher up the list, be sure to stop back July 15th for the one year anniversary of the Lyrics Quiz on the 9th Green when I may have an extra special edition. Well most likely not.

- And on an non-sports related topic (if ESPN is showing the dominos championships, the lyrics quiz can fall in that category too; it’s a competition) my sister site, Scooter McGavin Takes Pictures, has an interesting story that may just give some insights into season three of Veronica Mars that involves Deputy Sacks. And who wouldn’t want more Sacks? So be sure to check that out.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Of course, by football, I’m referring to European football. Now it doesn’t take me much to get revved up for the World Cup. Unlike the Olympics, which also come around every four year (well two alternating summer and winter), there is no overload, because it’s only one sport to focus on. And this years Cup will be extra exciting this year because this will be the first time I’ll be participating in a fantasy World Cup run by ESPN.com. Unfortunately it strays away from the tried and tested fantasy behemoth, March Madness brackets because you can change your pick to win the game up to the start of the game (Germany time of course). Since the bracket are set ( Winner of bracket A plays the 2nd place team in bracket B and so on) they should have set it up much like March Madness where you had to choose the top two teams for each bracket, giving a point for each one right, then two points for picking the right quarterfinals and so on. Maybe I should copyright this idea for an office pool in 2010 (um, I mean I already copyrighted it, so don’t try stealing my idea). But using that idea, here are my pick for who will compete in the round of 16 and so on:

Sweet 16
Germany vs. England (1A vs. 2B)
Argentina vs. Angola (1C vs. 2D)
Sweden vs. Costa Rica (1B vs. 2A)
Portugal vs. Netherlands (1D vs. 2C)
Czech Republic vs. Croatia (1E vs. 2F)
France vs. Ukraine (1G vs. 2H)
Brazil vs. United States (1F vs. 2E)
Spain vs. Switzerland (1H vs. 2G)

Quarterfinals
Germany vs. Argentina
Sweden vs. Netherlands
Czech Republic vs. Ukraine
Brazil vs. Spain

Semifinals
Germany vs. Sweden
Czech Republic vs. Brazil

Finals
Brazil over Germany (3-1)


Then back stateside, the biggest story is of Jason Grimley whose house recently got raided because of Human Growth Hormones. And of course everyone’s favorite oversized dome is prominently featured in the story. According to Grimsley’s attorney, the reason why his house was raided was because he refused to wear a wire in hopes to dig up dirt on Big Head Barry. And some of the Monsters also appear as Grimsley has been teammates of both Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa. And to add intrigue to him naming names (which you know will come out within a week) Grimsley became a Yankee around the time they were winning a bunch of World Titles as well as my hometown Indians when the had the massive offensive explosion in the mid-nineties well he also made a name for himself by crawling through the air ducts in Chicago to steal Joey Bell’s corked bat.

And here’s a lesson to all those people out there who watch too much Sopranos, if the Feds com knocking out your door asking you to do something, unless you have a mob boss backing you up, do it.

Think Pink

First off I want to give a big shout out to all the mothers out there especially the one that brought me into this world (not that she will read this or anything). I also want to give big ups to Major League Baseball for also honoring all the mothers out there by having the players and all on-field personnel wear pink wristbands and a pink ribbon for breast cancer awareness on their uniforms to commemorate the day. The pink ribbon logo will also appear on the bases and on commemorative home plates, and the lineups will be written on pink cards.

In addition to all that, baseball has allowed its players to use pink bats today, all part of a weekend program to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Many superstars including Derek Jeter, David Ortiz, and Jim Edmonds along with over fifty other players intend to use the pink bats. Kevin Mench of the Texas Rangers wants to go a step the pink bat a step further and have his mother’s name on his bat as well as one for his grandmother who died of breast cancer who has to say this about his mother:

“My mom is the glue of our family, and I just want to do something to thank her for all that she has done. At the same time, we are raising money for a great cause.”

The one problem a buddy of mine poised was what if Big Head Barry tied and/or passed Babe Ruth with a pink bat? My thought - great, as the bats, as well as the bases, will be signed and auctioned off later this year will all proceeds going to the charity and the amount that the potential historic bat could make for the cause could almost help Big Head Barry atone for his past transgressions. Almost. For more about breast cancer awareness, check out the pink ribbon on my sidebar.

Big Head Barry and High Pitch Kobe

When the Boston Red Sox finally won the World Series a couple years back many assumed that the curse of the Bambino had been broken. But it looks like the Babe didn’t give up on haunting the team that traded him so many years before, he just turned his attention to, you guessed it, everyone’s favorite oversized dome. It coincidentally all started right after the Sox won as Barry Bonds had to undergo surgery that kept him out of most of last season. Then after starting to heat up this season, and coming within two round trippers of the Babe, Bond’s Giant Head swelled up just a little more after taking a foul ball during batting practice yesterday. God bless justice.

Then to add insult to injury, Phillies picture Cory Lidle became the first of hopefully many current big leaders to question Bond’s legitimacy:

“I don't think it's legitimate. What he could have done without performance-enhancing drugs - which he hasn't been proven guilty of (using), which I'm not buying - you can maybe take what he had done in his prime, before his head started growing at an enormous rate, and just make those projections. Say that, ‘This is what he could have done.’ Maybe it's 550 home runs. I don't know. It definitely wouldn't have been anything close to 700. I've never met him, I don't know him. I know what I've heard. I've heard a lot of things where he doesn't treat people very well. That doesn't sit well with me. The reason I'm not scared to speak out is - I don't think he's a dumb person - basically, he had decisions to make, whether he wanted to treat people good or treat people bad. Whether he wanted to pump drugs into his body or stay clean. I believe he chose the (former). There are consequences in every decision. He's a grown-up. He's got to live with those consequences. I don't feel sorry for him. I don't want to see him break records. If he breaks them, it will be a shame, because I think when all is said and done, the truth will come out. It hasn't yet, but I think if he was in front of a jury, and there had to be a verdict, I think the verdict might be - with everything that I heard was in that book - I think the verdict might be guilty. It's sad. I'm not a player-hater. I like to see players get paid as much as they can. But without friggin' cheating. The worst part of it all, the young guys - the guys in the minor leagues, and worse than that, high school, and college - they already know they don't have a chance. If someone can't hit 15 home runs in college, how do they expect to take somebody's job in the big leagues who's hitting 50 home runs? They start feeling this pressure of doing that stuff, and it really is a problem. It's selfish for those guys who did it... to know what the chain reaction was to keep doing it.”

As much as I loved that, remind me again who Cory Lidle is.


Then there my next favorite athlete embarrassed himself even more the Big Head. I’m sure we have all scene the infamous clothline, well at least those of us that watch at least an hour of ESPN everyday. But what came next was even more entertaining with Raja Bell calling Kobe Bryant pompous. Classic, then to add to things, check out Kobe’s response, which would have be a good retort had he not sounding like a member of Howard Stern’s Wack Pack:

Bond's Giant Head 2006

Programming note: for those tuning in for my world famous Toss Up between Lost and Veronica Mars, it has been postponed because Veronica Mars was once again preempted by a Cavs game. Check back later this week (most likely Sunday) for that.

It’s the beginning of April so that means only one thing, baseball season has begun and more importantly so has fantasy baseball. I recently participated in two separate drafts, one for all of baseball and an NL Only league here is the former stands up with Jobu’s Revenge in The California Penal League:

C - Jorge Posada - Yankees
1B - Lance Berkman - Astros
2B - Jorge Cantú - Devil Rays
3B - Morgan Ensberg - Astros
SS - Michael Young - Rangers
OF - Vlad Guerrero - Angels
OF - Cliff Floyd - Mets
OF - Randy Winn - Giants
Util - Prince Fielder - Brewers

Bench
Willie Taveras - Astros (OF)
Ryan Freel - Reds (2B,3B,OF)
Shea Hillenbrand - Blue Jays (1B,3B)
Plácido Polanco - Tigers (2B,3B)

Starting Pitchers
Andy Pettitte - Astros
John Garland - White Sox
Jeremy Bonderman - Tigers
Dontrelle Willis - Marlins

Relief Pitchers
Billy Wagner - Mets
Hudson Street - A’s
Fernando Rodney - Tigers
Clay Hensley - Padres


As for Bond’s Giant Head in The Killer B’s League, here’s their lineup which I already have to fool around with due to injury:

C - Paul Lo Duca - Mets
1B - Lance Berkman - Astros
2B - Ray Durham - Giants
3B - Bill Hall - Brewers
SS - Rich Aurilia - Reds
OF - Juan Pierre - Cubs
OF - Randy Winn - Giants
OF - Dave Roberts Padres
Util - Sean Casey - Pirates

Bench
Ricky Weeks - Brewers (2B)
Chris Duffy - Pirates (OF)
Mike Matheny - Giants (C)
Chris Burke - Astros (2B,OF)

Starting Pitching
Chris Carpenter - Cardinals
Dave Williams - Reds
Victor Zambrano - Mets
Glendon Rusch - Cubs
Randy Wolf - Phillies (DL)
Ben Sheets - Brewers - (DL)

Relief Pitchers
Jason Isringhausen - Cardinals
Chris Reitsma - Braves
Clay Hensley - Padres
Chad Qualls - Astros


Now Jobu’s Revenge looks pretty strong but might need another arm to take the championship, but Bond’s Giant Head will need some work. When you start off the season with three pitchers on the DL which is never a good thing. The bench is really weak, but that is to be expected in an NL only league, but I will have to do some shuffling because bench players are much more valuable if they can play multiple positions.

Now my official post season predictions:

AL East - Yankees
AL Central - White Sox
AL West - A’s
AL Wild Card - Angels

NL East - Mets
NL Central - Cardinals
NL West - Padres
NL Wild Card - Astros^*

AL Championship: Yankees over White Sox
NL Championship: Astros over Cardinals
World Series: Astros over Yankees in 6

^*Since baseballs will be seeing plenty of them in the future, I figure I’d get them use them. My asterisk is predicated on Roger Clemens coming back by June. If he ends up retiring, then put the Braves in the wild card and Cards beating the Yankees for the title.