57 Channels and Only This Is On: 3/15/15

Once Upon a Time: So Snow White had something to do with Malicifant losing her baby and she had something to do with Cora's death... are we sure he is really pure at heart?
You can download Once Upon a Time on iTunes.

Shameless: Considering all the horrible things Frank has done, I am not sure this tops the list, but getting your grandson arrested by selling out your son at the same time is pretty high on the list. I have long advocated for a Justified spinoff starring Dewey and Dicky in prison, but a Shameless spinoff with Chucky and Uncle Carl in prison may just be as entertaining.

House of Lies: As soon as Clyde hooked up with Kelsey after Doug got there first last week my first thought was, oh no, we are going to have to sit though a threesome of them. Kelsey quickly brought it up shortly afterwards, joking or not, but I really fear they will go through with it. You know Doug will have no qualms about it, no will Clyde just talk himself into it.

Revenge: So the chick from Firefly is Victoria's ex-mother-in-law... What? It is really time for this show to end.
You can download Revenge on iTunes.

The Returned: As I teased in my preview, the sisters turning out be twins was extremely freaky. Twins are kind of freaky on their own but this takes it to another level. And to tease upcoming episodes, their twin connection get only more freaky in upcoming episodes. I did not get to bring it up in the preview, so just let me now point out just how wrong having sex with a "psychic" to connect with your daughter is. And if you are a fake physic, why add they sex part to it?
You can download The Returned on iTunes.

Pretty Little Liars: I was expecting the trial to be a little more explosive than that. Sure it came out that Mama Marrin hooked up with Jason and the prosecutor theorized that Alison was never kidnapped without any actual proof. Hopefully they are much more fireworks in the season finale which promises another "A" reveal which I think with be the fifth in the show's history. Let me go and predict a not so dead Mona is pulling the strings.
You can download Pretty Little Liars on iTunes.

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD: If ABC decides not to bring Agent Carter back, they should definitely go with a Lady Sif spin-off for a mid season filler for SHIELD. Or even better, cut SHIELD to ten episodes, then ten of Agent Carter and Lad Sif.
You can download Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on iTunes

Switched at Birth: Whoa, Bay, of course Emmett is going to break up with you when you go all crazy girlfriend on him, interrupting his movie not once but twice. But very smooth for Emmett to pull they maybe we can hook back up after college if I cannot find anything better while I am here ploy. Has that actually ever worked for anyone?
You can download Switched At Birth on iTunes.

Justified: What a weird ending to the episode as Raylan gets Shakespearean with his father in his old hiding space which turned out to be as empty as Al Capone's vault. Just a weird departure for a show with about a month left before going off the air.
You can download Justified on iTunes.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes II: At the beginning of the season TJ asked Nany which of the guys was going to be her partner and she mentioned it could have well been half of them. For the inevitable next Rivals season, there are just as many possibilities and it looks like you can add Nia and Sarah to that list. Of course Sarah made the right decision, you eliminate a strong team right before the finals. If Bananas or Leroy think they deserve to be in the finals, they should have won the last challenge, and they definitely should not have lost it.
You can download The Challenge: Battle of the Exes II on iTunes.

Survivor: White Collar vs. Blue Collar vs. No Collar: zit seems like I say this every season, but the show really needs to bring back the Reward Challenge, with only one challenge per episode we get way too much filler, like watching monkeys having sex.
You can download Survivor: White Collar vs. Blue Collar vs. No Collar on iTunes.

Hindsight: So Lolly, who was okay with Becca hooking up Kevin, now thinks its is an unforgivable act because a Lolly in another timeline shunned future Becca for it. Chicks, man, chicks. What a depressing way to end a season, Becca pretty much screwed everything up, her future husband ended up marrying someone else, her brother, and possibly father, are going to jail, she ruined her friendship with Lolly a whole decade earlier. Really, they only one whose life improved was her ex-husband who managed to sell some paintings. Then the ending was pretty vague, clearly she went into the elevator hoping to be transported back to current day. The musical cue of Numb would have us to believe that there was some time traveling involving involved but I would be surprised if she ends up back in 2015. Of course I would be more surprised if there is a second two. But if there is I would guess Becca wakes up in a different year, maybe 2005. The Killers! Jack Johnson!! Gorillaz!!! A sane Kanye West!!!! Sure I'd watch that.
You can download Hindsight on iTunes.

The Americans: This is beginning to be one of those show where the promos are more entertaining than the actual show. Last week they made it seem like Martha was going to confront Clarke, this week she realized that the spying equipment was inadvertently brought in by her, but she never ended up confronting Clarke about it. And wasn't Paige supposed to confront her parents this week? Are they really going to drag this out for the rest of the season?
You can download The Americans on iTunes.

The Blacklist: Odd to have a glorified clip show at this point in the second season. And did we really learn that it was Red who hired Tom to get close to Lizzy instead of Berlin like we were told earlier? I guess that is why that interaction they had before Tom disappeared was weird.
You can download The Blacklist on iTunes.

King of the Nerds: Finally, at long last, gender equality has become a reality now that a dude has actually been crowned King of the Nerds for the very first time. I was rooting for Kaitlyn, but it is hard to justify having a King of the Nerds be someone who works with NASA and cannot get a sun question right that even I guessed correctly.
You can download King of the Nerds on iTunes.

Previewing The Returned

Back in 2009 after watching Zombieland I declared the era of the vampire over and the teens (if that what we are calling this decade?) the era of zombies. I made that statement in part jest and part wishful thinking after growing tired of bloodsuckers. even stop watching anything starring one since the series finale of Angel (Let Me In being the one exception in the decade since). Shocking one of my predictions actually came true, vampire are passe and The Walking Dead is the biggest show on television.

Now there is a new subsection of stories of people returning from the dead, but they do not come back immortal like vampires or want to eat human flesh or brains like zombies, they return pretty much like nothing happened. And to make things confusing, they are all called The Returned. So try not to confuse the new show The Returned, based on the 2012 French show Les Revenants, (which aired as The Returned on Sundance TV in 2013) which was based on the 2004 Fresh film of the same name (but named They Came Back for English release) premiering on A&E tonight with ABC's Resurrection which premiered last year and was based on the 2013 novel also named The Returned but has no connection to the French film or television show.

Yeah, that kind of gets confusing and only more show when you watch the premiere episode which starts with a kid returning home after dying four years earlier. Though she does not wake up in China, this girl climbs out of a ravine from where her bus drove over four years ago. A couple other souls (presumably) return to the dead but much of the narrative stays with the teenage girl in the first episode. Each episode is named after a Returned which focuses on them, a very Lost type of storytelling which has specific character-centric episodes (both shows being run by Carlton Cuse).  There are even flashbacks, though they seem to only happen one at the beginning of the episode with the only exception so far being the end of the Pilot.

Where it is very hard not to think of Resurrection while watching The Returned I will say that I enjoyed The Returned premiere more than Resurrection because of a pretty shocking plot twist at the end of the first episode when they flashback and show you why exactly the girl dies the first time. And hopefully The Returned gives more answers than Resurrection did (and will probably ever will because it probably will not get a third season; plus my sources tell me the book it was based on was not very forthcoming with answers either). I am not sure if the French program gave many answers because I did not watch Les Revenants on account that I watch television to avoid reading.

Another advantage The Returned has is acting. Sure it was good to see Willie Mays Hayes #2 on the small screen, but The Returned has Ramona Flowers herself Mary Elizabeth Winstead herself in the cast. And she is not the only recognizable face: there is also Jacob from Lost! the dad from Suburgatory!! the daughter from Treme!!! Alice from Wonderland (the Once Upon a Time crappy spin-off, not the movie)!!!! Anna Nicole Smith from the Lifetime movie..... and that is just the main cast, you will also see Sydney's partner from Alias and the extremely depressing  mother from The Killing pop up from time to time too.

Those are just the recognizable cast members, and that is just half of them. It is very Lostian in size, ten in total (and to be honest about the acting, two of them are really kind of bad at it), granted not much in diversity in this very WASP-y community. Even worse the show is severely missing a Hurley type of comedic diversion. There is a nosy neighbor but she probably asks the wrong person if a cat has got his tongue that may cause her not to be around much in future episode.  But it does seem like Cuse is in a battle with his former partner Damien Lindeloff to who could create the more depressing show between The Returned and The Leftovers (which i hear is extremely depressing).

One aspect The Returned did successfully take from Lost is setting up what will be much talked about plot twists among fans, the huge and freaky one at the end of the first episode that I mentioned earlier made me quickly queue up episode two. Not surprisingly everyone in this small town has secrets in their pasts and much like the dead, the secrets will eventually rise to the surface (the dad from Suburgatory has a particularly juicy one which will undoubtedly come back to haunt him in more ways to one). Hopefully the producer from Lost has learned better timing this time around because one of the bigger flaw of that show it took way to long to pay off plot twists (did anyone still care how Locke lost the ability to walk by the time the show revealed it three or four season later?) and we do not have to wait to learn what is behind everyone secrets.

The Returned airs Mondays at 10:00 on A&E following an all new season of Bates Motel. Last season we learned that Norman gets very violent when he blackouts and can also pass lie detector tests while out, Dylan leaned his uncle is probably also his father (Kenny Johnson's name now presides in the main cast), and the town's biggest drug kingpins got offed. The third seasons starts with the DEA burning the town's cash crops, Norman getting ready for senior year, and Dylan is ready to go legal. Revolution's Tracy Spiridakos shows up as the motel's latest inhabitant and like the previous people who passed through she pays with money that was obtained not very legally. And if the promo's are correct, she will also inspire Norman to learn how to use a power drill.