I Hope You'll Got Yo Playa Cards

I was first interested to R. Kelly in high school when a lady friend mentioned she recently bought his album 12 Play. The only song I had heard of his was the ode to sex, Bump n’ Grind. That wouldn’t be too surprising a girl listening to that kind of music today, but keep in mind I went to school a few years before girls started going wild. On my next trip to the record store, I decided to take a look at the album and it had such songs as Freak Dat Body, Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), and my personal favorite, I Like the (expletive deleted) on You. So as a teenage, I just had to buy it. Since then, I’ve bought one other R. Kelly album (the self titled one), and it also seems Mr. Kelly has gotten himself into some legal problems.

You can divide R. Kelly's latest album, TP.3 Reloaded basically into three parts, the party jams, slow jams, and the album closing five part hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet. The biggest problem with this album he avoids any uplifting songs like I Believe I Can Fly, U Saved Me, or even an I Wish type of song.

As for the party jams, all of them seem to be populated with sub-par rappers that do not stand up to the star power of Kelly. Whenever you bring guest appearances, you should always bring in someone who will make the song better not worse. The Game, the most boring rapper out today, brings an uninspiring verse on the opener Playa’s Only. Elephant Man (no, seriously, that what he goes by) completely ruins what could have be the album’s best jam, Reggae Bump, Bump. Baby just can’t compete with R. Kelly on Girls Go Crazy neither can Twista on Hit it Till the Mornin. Snoop Dogg is solid as usual but Summertime does come off almost as a remix for Snoop’s Signs.

The second part is the slow jams or as I like to put it, R. Kelly likes having sex. Lots of sex. In many different ways. The problem with that is that inherently conjures up images of Kelly, um, how do I want to put this, allegedly relieving himself on an underage girl. And yes, it’s safe to say it was his. As a wise man once told me, “You’re not going to let the captain of the football team (expletive deleted) on you.” So these songs are rendered useless because if any guy wants to hook up, he can’t put this album on and instead will have to reach for Boyz II Men because the last thing you want to do in that situation is to creep your girl out. The worst of the songs is Sex in the Kitchen that has too many double meaning that includes food. Adam Sandler did this years ago with the funny Food Innuendo Guy but Kelly doing a seriously version doesn’t work. And out of nowhere in the song Kelly screams “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad.” (Waiting to see if that gets by the censors. Mmm, apparently the censor doesn’t know the other meaning. Unfortunatly, I do) Let me just say ewwwwwwwww. That just leads credence to what allegedly went down on the video tape. I wonder if that can be admissible in court as a pattern of disgusting behavior in the bedroom?

But the highlight is the five part opera, Trapped in the Closet, that closes the album. The opera is quite easily the funniest thing ever recorded that didn’t involve “Weird Al” Yankovic. The opera is narrated by Kelly who woke up in a woman’s bed that wasn’t his wife. And apparently she is also married and her husband is on his way up the stairs. From there the opera has more turn than a NASCAR track. Each chapter of the opera builds up to a crescendo and end with a cliffhanger that rivals Desperate Housewives. For the end of chapter one, Kelly gives the play by play for the wronged husband, “He walks up to the closet, gets closer to the closet, now he’s at the closet, now he’s opening the closet, closet, closet.” I will not give anymore away as it might ruin the experience of the whole opera, but there were about ten laugh out load moments throughout the five chapters.

But wait there, is more. As if closing out the album with the hip-hopera wasn’t enough, the album is accompanied with a DVD of Trapped in the Closet with R. Kelly himself playing the lead character and other character acting out each five chapters. Nothing is funnier than when Kelly makes the sounds of a police siren, “woo, oo, woo, oo, woo, oo.” The DVD only is worth the price of admission itself and you can just use the CD as a Frisbee or something after burning Trapped in the Closet on your favorite mp3 player. For those who would like to see it for yourself 1st, check out VH1 tonight at 11:00 or you can stream the video on MTV.com.

Song(s) to Download: Trapped In the Closet

TP3:Reloaded gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Trapped in the Closet DVD gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.