We on Award Tour: Big in 2006 Awards

Back in October, despite two whole months left, VH1 released it’s nominations for their Big in 2006. The nominations came so early then even had to add some nominees later because they deserved to be mentioned when talking about the year that was. Of course the nominations had to come so early because even though December was just a couple days old the channel held the awards ceremony. Well to be technical that’s just when they aired because the actual awards were likely taped days ago. But anyways. Here are some thoughts from the festivities:

- Even though the latest movie in the franchise was just released you really shouldn’t open up a show about 2006 with a James Bond parody. Although dressing D.L. Hughley up like Boret yet looking more like Steve Harvey was funny. And the monologue was great. Now if only Sorkin would let D.L. write some comedy for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which oddly didn’t receive a mention) imagine how the show could actually be better.

- Whoever decided to pair up Tommy Lee and the cheerleader from Heroes should be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. They hand out the Big Music Artist to Justin Timberlake. Yawn, I’m ready for sexy to go away again.

- Flavor Flav is your backstage announcer for the night and possibly got more screen time than Hughley. I am now convinced that Flav has some compromising pictures of the president of VH1.

- Umm, should I know who Miley Cyrus is? She along with Lance Bass, who somehow escapes from obscurity just for being outed, are out to announce the performance of Fergie. They put this way too early in the show because it’s too soon for a bathroom break. I really hope the Fergie era ends along with 2006 and she takes all the other faux female rappers along with her.

- Wow, Kathy Griffin is looking scarier and scarier by the minute. Give her a wig and five years and she will look exactly like Joan Rivers. Lame segment too.

- Next up are the Dancing with C-Listers losers, the dudes from Blossom and Save by the Bell who give the award for big comeback to another has been who needs a reality show to stay on television, David Hasselhoff.

- Britney Spears wins Big Mama. Keep in mind most of the voting was done before she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and flashing her kootchiepop all over the place. And to think two weeks ago no one thought there was anyway Kevin Federline could win custody of their children and now he actually looks like the better parent.

- Speaking of bad plastic surgery, here comes Jenna Jamison. But this begs the question is it really a bad face lift if no one ever looks at your face? But anyways. Lonelygirl15, who apparently has a real name, Jessica Rose, and cleans up well from all the pajamas she wears to win the Big Web Hit. Now was I just fantasizing are did Jessica ask to make a video with Jenna?

- The Killers are onstage with, like Fergie, the same song they performed at the VMA’s. Oh well, at least it’s the best song off their album. And I really like the last line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus… But more than you’ll ever know.” (Mmm, I wonder if that line will show up later this month.)

- Two actors from various CSI shows give the award for Big Breakthrough to Steven Colbert who despite being on tape is funny as usual as he has a collection of Emmys around. Odd that he pokes fun at the cast of fellow nominee High School Musical yet they weren’t mentioned in the nominee segment.

- Ice-T and his trophy wife is out to announce the best performance of the night: “Weird Al” Yankovic. I was a little disappointed that VH1 didn’t take my advice and have Al perform with Chamillionaire, but this will have to do.

- The Big Shocker goes North Korea testing the bomb. VH1 really dropped the ball by not staging an acceptance speech by bringing in the puppet from Team America.

- The Big Mistakes was another great bit by Hughley, the best being when talking about Mel Gibson blaming all the wars on the Jews, Hughley said, “I didn’t know George Bush is Jewish.” High comedy right there.

- Next out are the dude from Borat not named Borat and Brooke Hogan (it’s time to cut your loses Hulk, Brooke’s music career is officially a failure) to give the Big Reality Star to some chick from Big Brother. Really? There is something ironic (possibly sad) about people who sit around their house watching people sit around a house doing nothing.

- Xzibit announces the Big It-Girl as Katherine McVeigh. I wonder if she’s related to the dude who blew up the building in Oklahoma City.

- Nothing says 2006 like a performance by the dude from Styx. Um, yeah, okay. Apparently he was out to recognize the woman of reality TV, sadly Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge was missing. Although they made up for her absence by closing out the segment with Ms. Jay, that had me on the floor laughing.

- Umm, should I know who Perez Hilton is? Whoever he is, he really needs to invest in a speech coach. And only Paris Hilton would be so starved for the spotlight that she would actually show up to accept an award like Big Outlaw. I wonder if she realizes that we are laughing at her, not with her.

- When did the dude from X-Play start singing for The Fray?

- Nice of VH1 to award Big Entertainer to Dane Cook long after most people believed he stopped being funny. The proof was in his acceptance speech where he too a joke that should have been funny (saying he’d meet up with Lindsay, Paris, and Britney then flash his junk while getting out of a car) only to go way overboard. It’s time to learn about subtlety Dane.

- The last award of the night goes to Kiefer Sutherland for Big TV Star. Yawn. Possibly the most boring VH1 award show ever.


If you watched the Big show you undoubtedly saw some commercials for upcoming VH1 reality shows because that’s all they show anymore. Here I rank them in order of how excited I am about them.

4) I Love New York - A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off; that has to be some sort of record. But even though I’m a huge Flavor Flav guy there is no way you can get me to watch this.
3) Tom Sizmore Show - I missed what the exact title of the show was and oddly there is no mention of it on the VH1 website, but it looks exactly like Breaking Bonaduce but without the wife. Granted there is a reason why I don’t watch that show and won’t be watching this.
2) The Surreal Life Game - The Surreal Life was a complete rip off of The Real World so it was inevitable that it would riff its spin-off, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and just like the RW/RR I’ll watch every minute.
1) The White Rapper Show - It looks like an American Karaoke rip-off with M.C. Search of 3rd Bass as a judge. Seriously, this could be the greatest show in VH1 history. Well maybe not Pop Up Videos good, but close.

We on Award Tour: Big in 2006 Nominations

Yeah we havn’t even reached November yet, but that hasn’t stopped media outlet’s from trying to be the first to get out their Year End Wrap Out. I wouldn’t be surprised that within five years someone will be doing their Year End Extravaganza in August. But anyways. The first to reminisce about the year that was is VH1 that recently opened it’s voting for the Big in 06 Awards, click the link to vote yourself and much like the mid term elections next year, be sure to vote early, vote often., but don’t vote for the incumbents. The Big show will air December 3rd and be hosted by D.L. Hughley of the hopefully not canceled Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip who did a great job hosting the show a couple years back during the Paris Hilton sex tape era. No performers have been announced yet buy if there are any VH1 executives that are reading this, you must do everything in your power to make sure a “Weird Al” Yankovic / Chamillionaire duet happens.And now this years nominees as well as who I voted for in italics:


Big Entertainer
YouTube
Dane Cook
Jessica Simpson
Steve Carell
Johnny Depp

Gee, it looks like someone has a vested interest in the DVD sales of Employee of the Month. Way to honor Cook long after no one finds him funny anymore. And since when does two movie flops and dismal sales of an album make you a Big Entertainer? Two spots that could have went to Gnarls Barkley. Personally my vote is based on who took up the most of my time in 2006 and that was easily YouTube.


Big Reality Star

No nominees just yet. Right now you can nominate your favorite. I nominated Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges: Fresh Meat/The Duel. Casey is easily the most entertaining reality star that MTV has produced in years. From fights the fights with her partner Wes, to making it to the finals without any physical attributes. Then coming back for The Duel admitting she spent her prize money on a new set of breasts. The final four will be announced November 14th and you can vote on them then. And here is who would fill out my top four: Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love), Josh (Beauty and the Geek), and Danielle’s Breasts (Survivor: Exile Island).


Big TV Star
John Stewart
Ellen Degeneres
Patrick Dempsey
Keifer Sutherland

Who would have thought back in the late eighties that twenty years later that the dudes from Can’t Buy Me Love and The Lost Boys would be nominated for this award. Granted I don’t watch either show, so I’ll go with who used to have a talk show on MTV. And where is Earl Hickey?


Big Musical Artist
Justin Timberlake
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pussycat Dolls
Shakira

No Gnarls Barkley, no, Fray, no Christina Aguilera, no Killers, no “Weird Al” yet the Pussycat Dolls get nominated. It’s official, 2006 sucked.


Big Download
Jump in My Car - David Hasselhoff
London Bridge - Fergie
White and Nerdy - “Weird Al” Yankovic
Here it Goes Again - OK Go
What’s a Date - Lonely Girl Fifteen

This is an odd category because most of these were YouTube phenomenon and you can’t actually download those videos. But I’m just knick picking. If we are going by number of YouTube views though, then OK Go should win by a landslide, but nothing beats “Weird Al” in entertainment value.


Big Mama
Madonna
Britany Spears
Katie Holmes
Brooke Shields

Yeah, this is a pretty lame category. And you can tell that the nominees were chosen in the short span between when Madonna adopted her African baby and when the father wanted the boy back.


Big Breakthrough
The Cast of High School Musical
Jamie Pressly
Steven Colbert
Sasha Baron Cohen

It looks like VH1 also has vested interest in the Borat movie by putting Cohen in the category before he even broke threw. And not to sound like a broken record but where is Gnarls Barkley. When VH1 does I Love the 00’s you know Crazy will get plenty of screen time for the 2006 episode. But of the nominees you have to go with Pressley because after staring in cinematic gems like Poison Ivy 3 and the Jerry Springer movie, she somehow became the most entertain part of the funniest show on television.

Big Comeback
Rosie O'Donnell
Al Gore
David Hasselhoff
Howie Mandel
New Orleans Saints

Much like Madonna not getting her African baby, the Saints got spanked in New Orleans shortly after the nominees were announced. Yet another reason not to do your best of the year thing before Halloween. But I voted for them just because the other nominees are iffy with two coming back via a reality show and a game show. And how can Rosie be considered a comeback when she went from her own talk show to sharing time with the chick from Survivor and two other blowhards. Maybe I should vote for Gore because the last time I didn’t vote fore him bad things happens.


Hot It Girl
Katherine Heigl
Katharine McPhee
America Ferrera
Vanessa Minnillo

Four chicks from four shows I avoid like the plague. Let’s see here, one stared in a movie that not only did no one see, I don’t must people have even heard of it (Side Effects anyone? And did anyone see the Ringer while I’m at it?) another can pull off ugly way too easy (remember the nerdy version of Rachel Lee Cook in She’s All That was stilly pretty hittable), and one has Nick Lashey stench on her. And I don’t really follow the karaoke circuit, but didn’t the last one lose? And not only lost but lost to a dude even older than me? I went with Minnillo just because she the one I’d most want to have dirty, dirty sex with which says a lot considering the whole Lashey thing. Seriously where’s Scarlett Johansson, Evangeline Lilly and Kristen Bell, can’t we resurrect Rachel McAdams career for this please. I’d even take the chicks from High School Musical or Cassie over these girls.


Big Outlaw
Paris Hilton (DUI)
Willie Nelson (Drug Possession)
Mel Gibson (DUI)
Dick Chaney (Shot Dude in the Face)

Another reason why the awards are too soon in the year, they missed Snoop Dogg’s double whammy of drug and weapon charges on two separate occasions at an airport. Despite being the only one on the list that wasn’t actually charged, I went with Cheney solely in the hope that he shows up to accept the award and inadvertently shooting Hilton in the face.


Big Power Couple
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Beyoncé and Jay-Z

Another lame award. I just went for the boys again just to see the acceptance speech which could be interrupted by Jake Gyllenhaal who was jealous that he wasn’t nominated with them.


Big Shocker
North Korea Tests a Nuke
Mark Foley Gets Caught
John Mark Carr Confesses
Bill Clinton Losses His Cool

It is well known that Kim Jong Il love Hollywood so if you tell him Clint Eastwood id there, he may just show up to accept the award so that why I voted for him. And if he doesn’t show you have the potential for the Kim Jong Il marionette from Team America to accept the award; either way this could be the most entertaining part of the whole show.

First Impressions: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

It’s not really a good sign when the fourth network in now a five team race decides to have not one, but two shows on it’s fall lineup based a show that everyone hasn’t been funny in a while (I’ll go with circa the Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Mike Myers era). But that’s what NBC has done, one a drama, which seems to be topping every critics best list (as well as my preseason pick) the other being a sitcom that looks to be on a few first to be canceled list, 30 Rock. But it was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip that I got a sneak peak at.

The show is the mastermind Aaron Sokin, creator of the great, but sadly short lived Sports Night depicting the backstage at a Sportcenter type show. My sources tell me that he ran another show that had modest success, but apparently I missed that one. Oh well. The pacing of the first episode was a little slow at times and the oversized cast as well as other bit players left me throughout the show wondering who was who and what relation they were to their co-workers at the fake network, NBS (NBC and ABC were both referenced during the show so presumable NBS is another network in the real world). There were even cue scenes that tell you who people are as they introduce them, but I still haven’t figured out who the “Big Three” are in context of the show.

The show centers around an on air breakdown of the current show runner, guest Judd Hirsh (Dear John), of Studio 60 who was not too fond when the studio’s Standards and Practices decided to pull a religious based sketch just seconds before the show starts. Apparently the scene mirrors that of one in the movie Network that every critic, and the show for that matter, has brought up, but the movie is older than me, so I really didn’t make the connection. Not really the first day new president, Amanda Peet (Saving Silverman), had envisioned. To deflect from the negative publicity, Peet decides to bring back two people who were around the last time the show was worth wild in Matthew Perry (Almost Heroes) and Bradley Whitford (the Sokin show I didn’t watch). The only problem with bringing them back in is that they have gone onto bigger and better things as well as the guy who unceremoniously pushed them out the door, Steven Weber (Wings) is still around.

Since we really don’t spend much time with the fake show except for the actual meltdown, we really don’t get to meet the cast of the fake show as they only pop up periodically during the first episode. Sarah Paulson (nothing worth mentioning) looks like will have the biggest storyline in future weeks as she hooked up with Perry during his first stint, but things went sour afterwards as the reason they broke up is about as funny as the reason Perry tells everyone. Then there is D.L. Hughley (Soul Plane) who plays the token black guy not only on the real show, but the fake show as well. Newcomer Nathan Corddry also pops up but doesn’t have much here in the first episode. I guess it’s possible that this was the Big Three previously mentioned, but I wouldn’t bet the bank on it.

The first episode was a little disappointing, even though it is a drama, being based on the backstage of something that is funny, there should have been more laughs. But like most pilots, they are too busy setting up the premise of the show, sometimes things gets too crammed so hopefully the show hits its stride in the next couple episodes. With the episode filled with a bunch of network suits who haven’t laughed since high school, Peet is a breath a fresh air as she is the one who isn’t taking things too seriously even though she should be the most concerned as it is her first day on the job. Since the show is based on Saturday Night Live, it looks like there will be a slew of guest “host” as Felicity Huffman, who also starred in Sports Night, pops up in the pilot and my sources tell me Lauren Graham will make an appearance later this season in that role.

Verdict: Not as good as expected and had some pacing issues as it was too fast in some places but too slow in others, but there are definitely signs of greatness and should get much better after everything is ironed out. But if this is the best new show of the season, that isn’t a very good sign of what’s to come. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip premieres Monday at 10:00. If you can’t wait, you can watch the pilot in its entirety, commercial free, at AOL.

We on Award Tour - VH1 Big in 05 Awards

Vh1’s Big in (insert year) Awards have quickly become the most solid award shows even though it brings in less star power than the America Music Awards. And that could be the reason why, where other award shows have just become a vehicle for artists to promote their latest projects (I’m talking to you Video Music Awards), VH1 cares more about putting on a good show rather to pander to get stars. This year’s host, DL Hughley was entertaining enough to make anyone wonder why CBS picked the dude from Drew Carey to replace Craig Kilborn on the Late Late Show and why MTV still invites Jimmy Fallon back to host after bombing every time. Here are some other observations:

- The festivities starts off with a lame pre-show hosted by an extremely gay Ant and the not all that attractive chick from My Fair Brady. She actually won a modeling competition?

- During the pre-show they gave the Old School Triumph Award to INXS who dedicated the award to Michael Hutchence. I’m sure he’s thrill that you guys are trampling his legacy by doing a reality show to replace him.

- The Big show starts off with a Lost parody that was more entertaining than the show has been this season. Of course if the writer of Lost only had to fill five minutes, maybe it would be better.

- Ten years after becoming Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy is still hot as ever, granted she’s still as annoying too.

- Jessica Simpson for some reason wins the Big Stylin’ Awards. I have a feeling that VH1 stuffed the ballot box just so they could have her first post break up apperence. Then after she rambled threw her acceptance speech, including laughing at apparently at what she thought was a joke, I understood why Nick would let her go. I just hope he didn’t sign a pre-nup. Now I ain’t saying he’s a gold digger…

- The chicks from Laguna Beach seemed to get lost as they walked right in front of INXS to present them. And after seeing INXS perform with their new lead singer, I can’t believe this guy actually won. I didn’t watch a second of the show, but did everyone else actually suck worse than him. It’s like the chick from My Fair Brady winning a modeling contest. Get that dude a chorographer quick.

- Jeremy Piven rightly wins the Big Breakthrough Award even though I’ve been a fan since the PCU days.

- Kanye West wins the Big Entertainer Award and he was so big he didn’t bother showing up.

- Audioslave’s performance was cool but where was Tom Morello? Is this band breaking up already? Hopefully there won’t be a Rock Star:Audioslave.

- Hollaback Girl wins Big Download. Funny, I wouldn’t bother stealing this song let along spend .99 cents.

- All I got to say about Dancing with the Star Wars – classic. Funny than anything MTV has produced for their award shows in years.

- Again with the Gotti Boys? They make Paris Hilton celebrity look well deserved.

- Bo Bice Bice Baby wins Big Reality Star. Not bad for being a loser. Say hello to Justin (what’s his name?) in relative obscurity at the Big in 06 Awards.

- Peter Gallagher stoops low to introduce the Reality All-Star. I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t recognize 90% of the singers. Unfortunately one I did recognize was Johnny Fairplay who is always unwatchable. Can he just overdose already and put us the viewer out of misery.

- Another person who just needs to go away – Kathy Griffin. Although her joke about Hilary Duff’s teeth sure got Lindsay Lohan laughing.

- Lohan then picks up the Big It Girl Award and makes some lame joke about the paparazzi. So let’s recap, she can’t act, can’t sing, can’t make a joke, and no longer has breasts – why exactly is she an It girl?

- But this lead to the best shot of the night as they showed the chick from Laguna Beach looking pissed that she didn’t win. Where’s the dude from The Real World who called out his roommate for thinking he was Ben Affleck even though he was only on a reality show.

- Best line of the night, “UPN has better ratings than George Bush”

- Hulk Hogan comes out and say, “do you wanna see big?” and proceeds to take off his shirt only to show us he has bigger breast that Lindsay Lohan.

- You know you a low on stars when you recruit someone from Entertainment Tonight to present, not that I have a problem with Maria Menonous, I just think they should be a law that she must always wear the dress she wore at the Oscars a couple years back.

- That Fall Out Boy just isn’t entertain without an appearance by the antler boy from the video. But I must admit of all the pseudo-punk bands that have replaced boy bands on the walls of Middle School girls in the last couple years, they suck the least.

- The best part of the show was actually a commercial for the upcoming show, Flavor of Love where Flavor Flav picks girls Bachelor style. This has to be good.

- The best dresriuption of Kelly Clarkson during the Big Music Artist, “She’s accessible like the girl who works at Subway kind of way but you don’t have to wash the samwich smell off of her.” Needless to say, I’d totally hit that.

- Of course the Big in 05 Awards ends with a performance by a band that hasn’t been big since 88. Um, yeah.

I Know You (Don't) Got Soul

When I was a young boy, A Florida judge banned 2 Live Crew for being obscene and ever since when anytime some one finds something morally offensive or corrupt, I eat it up. South Park is rude, I watched it. Grand Theft Auto is the downfall of Western Civilization, I bought it. Bush is the next Hitler, I voted for him. So when Soul Plane came out and everyone was saying it was the most racist movie ever, I knew I had to see it. So I finally broke out the old Blockbuster Card and gave it a spin on the DVD player. I think I may be getting old because I think the critics were right. The makers of the film claimed that Soul Plane was the black version of Airplane!. But they replayed funny one-liners with overused racial stereotypes.

The movie centers around a gentleman who sues an airline after it kills the dog, which was one of the few funny scenes in the movie (keep in mind no animals were hurt in the making of this movie). He takes the massive settlement to buy his own airline, which his cousin, played by Method Man, who makes some adjustments to the plane. So it now has gold rims, hydraulics, and every ridiculous accessory you would see on Pimp My Ride. And the racial stereotypes don't start there; every black stereotype is brought up. They like chicken - check. They are lazy - check. They like weed - check. They are, umm, well endowed - check. Then sprinkle the rest of the movie with other racial stereotypes. The Arab (alleged) terrorist. The token hot Latina chick (wow, she can dance and likes sex, and that's basically it). The gay guy. The corny, old white guy named Mr. Hunkee. Then there's Mr. Hunkee's son who thinks he's black. And Mr. Hunkee's daughter, who just turned 18. Cue up obligatory Kobe joke.

After an hour of making poor racial jokes (not too mention underutilizing D.L. Hughley and John Witherspoon), they finally get back to something that resembles a plot when pilot, Snoop Dogg, dies (remember it's based on Airplane!) and they need to figure how to land the plane. In the end everyone learns a lesson. And then they form a Soul Train line (sans Don Cornelius).

Soul Plane gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.