The 40 Worst Songs of 2013

There are trends every year that quickly become tiring be it ringtone rappers or being told to throw your hands in the year. But this year’s trend may have hit a new low: hashtags. Sure artists taking new internet technology has been since right after Al Gore gifted it to us (who does not have Collio.com in their album collection? Not coincidentally that was his first album not to go platinum). Hashtags popped up everywhere this year, well except actual social networking sites. Other horrible trends this year include Lil’ Wayne trying to pull trash out of history’s trash bin and Miley Cyrus. And you know it has been a bad year for music when Katy Perry, who has landed one song on this list each of the past five years, is absent this year. Here are the worst songs of the past twelve months that managed to be worse than anything on the new Katy Perry album.

1. The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) - Ylvis

2. Good Time - Paris Hilton featuring Lil Wayne

3. Ready to Go - Limp Bizkit featuring Lil Wayne

4. Say You're Just a Friend - Austin Mahone featuring Flo Rida

5. Work (Expletive Deleted) - Britney Spears

6. Bugatti - Ace Hood featuring Rick Ross and Future

7. Harlem Shake - Baauer

8. Cruise [Remix] - Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly

9. Timber - Pitbull featuring Ke$ha

10. Perfume - Britney Spears

11. Twerk - Lil Twist featuring Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus

12. I Love It - Icona Pop featuring Charli XCX

13. #TwerkIT - Busta Rhymes featuring Nicki Minaj

14. Work - Iggy Azalea

15. Real and True - Future featuring Miley Cyrus and Mr. Hudson

16. #thatPOWER - will.i.am featuring Justin Bieber

17. I Wish - Cher Llyod featuring T.I.

18. One Way or Another (Teenage Kicks) - One Direction

19. Lolly - Maejor Ali featuring Juicy J and Justin Bieber

20. Feel This Moment - Pitbull featuring Christina Aguilera

21. Love More - Chris Brown featuring Nicki Minaj

22. Woman's World - Cher

23. We Can't Stop - Miley Cyrus

24. Wild for the Night - A$AP Rocky featuring Skrillex and Birdy Nam Nam

25. Fine China - Chris Brown

26. This Is Gospel - Panic! At the Disco

27. 23 - Mike Will Made-It featuring Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J

28. I'm Out - Ciara featuring Nicki Minaj

29. High School - Nicki Minaj featuring Lil Wayne

30. Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

31. Applause - Lady Gaga

32. Holy Grail - Jay-Z featuring Justin Timberlake

33. Wu-Tang Forever - Drake

34. Banga! Banga! - Banga! Banga! - Austin Mahone

35. Best Song Ever - One Direction

36. Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

37. No New Friends - DJ Khaled featuring Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne

38. Miss Jackson - Panic! At the Disco featuring Lolo

39. Counting Stars - OneRepublic

40. Chloe (You're the One I Want) - Emblem3

It's the End of the World as We Know It

It has been a while since I have read Revelations but I am pretty certain one of the signs of the apocalypse happened this past week and how appropriate in these days and times it can be viewed on YouTube:

Celeb


Yes that is Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in a political ad. When I first saw this I thought I was watching a Daily Show produced campaigned ad but no, it is from John McCain and he approved that message. Sadly this isn’t the first time with has crossed politics as Britney appeared in a Pepsi commercial with Bob Dole and four years ago Paris was seen sporting a “Vote or Die” t-shirt, but didn’t promptly die after not actually registering to vote. And if that wasn’t enough for McCain, he later released an ad with Moses, or at least Moses to gun nuts, Charlton Heston;

The One


Now here is a smart ad. If I were running the McCain campaign I would be going around, “Yeah because the last time we elected a drug addict with no experience and a God complex, that ended well.” And Friday Obama suggested a $500 energy rebate, because the last time a president gave us a rebate, that really helped the economy.

McCain wasn’t the only one with a silly brush with pop culture as Obama had yet another rapper write a song for him:

Politics as Usual - Ludacris


Naturally Barack distanced himself from the song calling it, “Outrageously offensive” with his spokesmen adding, “As Barack Obama has said many, many times in the past, rap lyrics today too often perpetuate misogyny, materialism and degrading images that he doesn’t want his daughters or any children exposed to.” This then begs the question why is Ludacris on Obama’s iPod to begin with if he truly believes this because almost all of Luda’s songs have misogyny, materialism or degrading images and some have all three. This is the guy who wrote Move (Expletive Deleted), (Expletive Deleted) Poppin, and written such profound lyrics as, “How you ain’t gonna (expletive deleted), (expletive deleted) I’m me,” “Stop, drop, kaboom, baby rub on your (expletive deleted),” “If you hold the (expletive deleted) stead Imma milk the cow.” And let us not forget that this was the guy who proclaimed he’s “got (expletive deleted) in different area codes.”

All this from a guy Obama has called “extremely talented.” Although shouldn’t someone who is “extremely talented come up with a line better than, “McCain don’t belong in any chair unless he’s paralyzed.” Seriously, what does that even mean? Couldn’t he come up with a better insult than that? But, yeah, George Bush is mentally retarded.

All this ties into the theory that this election will disturbingly be decided by the so called “Low Information Voters” and you really don’t get much lower on the information ladder than from people who dress up an attend Comic Con. Of course the people behind the Obama Girl videos were there to take an informal poll.

The Dark Knight and Ron Paul


Interestingly enough the comic book nerds seem to be leaning Republican who lends some credence that The Dark Knight is a euphemism for the Iraq War with Batman doing his best George Bush impression. And yes, this election will be decided by people like the chick who said McCain but changed only because her friend said Obama. It is really time to bring back the IQ test before letting people vote.

Amongst all that low info crap, I was surprised to see someone actually talk about education this week for the first time in this presidential campaign. Keep in mind it Obama wrapped up his nomination in early June. I guess at that rate we will only hear about education one more time before the election. But anyways. Head over to MSNBC.com to read McCain Criticizes Obama over Education Policies.

We on Award Tour: 2007 MTV Movie Awards

After years of just having random hot chicks host, we finally have an actual comedian host the MTV Movie Awards. But as soon as the get something right, they do something as equally wrong to cancel out the goodness, namely replacing professionally done movie spoofs with amateur ones which after seeing the final three, was a huge mistake. You know the spoofs were really bad when the best actually spoofed United 93. You know, the movie that documented the flight that went down in Pennsylvania on September 11th. But the show wasn’t all bad; here are some more thoughts on the festivities:

- We get are very first commercial free pre show and it is pretty clear the Transformers was the one that picked up the tab. I would say a good twenty minutes of the half hour was devoted to the movie. And even though I was a huge Transformers in my youth, there is no way you can get me to see a live action movie version. I have leaned my lesson from the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.

- One of the few non Transformers interviews was with Mandy Moore and the dude from The Office (I choose not to type his name not because I can’t spell it but because, well actually, that pretty much sums it up) who hilariously pull out the sarcasm when it is mentioned that Paris Hilton arrive.

- That may have been the worst opening in the awards history. Obviously someone was smoking something when they wrote that.

- At least that was saved but the monologue when Sarah Silverman has even more fun at Paris Hilton’s expense. Is it wrong that my biggest laughs of the night were when people started cheering when Silverman mentioned Hilton’s impending jail team and the subsequence look on her face when Hilton realize everyone hates her.

- We are live for the first time tonight and it seemed there were a lot more cursing then usually even if you take away Silverman’s closing song.

- The cast of Fantastic Four is out first to present. Pretty much every presenting team was a cast of a movie (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Live Free or Die Trying, License to Wed, Transformers, Hairspray). It’s like MTV doesn’t even try not to hind they are a complete industry shill. I guess they don’t have to when people like me come back every year. Not surprisingly they handed out the award for best villain to Jack Nicholson because he was prominently shown during the monologue and Jack isn’t showing up if he didn’t win. And since there were no gratuitous shots of him after the award, I bet he walked right out of the auditorium after picking up his award.

- Seriously, the Mac guy is going to be in the next Die Hard movie? Did Bruce Willis just okay this to get iPods for his family? And did he get the Windows guy a cameo?

- They really needed to black out more than they did in the Borat fight scene.

- Apropos that Dane Cook introduced all of the laughless amateur spoof. Almost as unfunny as the spoofs and Cook were those Human Giant spots. Now I know to never watch that show.

- In the rare non-cast presenting team, they took the time machine back to 1997 to team up Posh Spice and Chris Tucker.

- Is Umbrella really the number one song in the country? The live rock version is was a little better than the album version. Although Rihanna must really be talented if she can sing if we can hear her without her lips movie like at the ends of the performance.

- At least we got one good spoof with Silverman trying to find a presenter. Unfortunately it ended with another poor idea, having a random webcam user present an award.

- Why have an Orbitz Dirty Mouth if they don’t even show the winner let along the nominees. Oh yeah, it was just for a blatant cooperate sponsorship.

- They are resurrecting the Unplugged series for Bon Jovi? Or are they reshowing one from twenty years ago?

- It was nice that MTV made fun of all the annoying people who quote Borat ad nausea with the Boratititus segment. Yes random frat boy, I’m talking to you, stop it, it is not funny when you do it.

- When I heard Mike Myers was going to win the Generations Awards I was excited thinking they were going back to their roots like the great Lifetime Achievement Awards. That was until I realized they were awarding it to Austin Powers not the unkillable homicidal maniac. What was really sad was Myers pulled out an old Wayne’s World joke with the whole sell out part of his acceptance speech.

- As much as I like Amy Winehouse, her performance was a little disappointing as it was the same as her Letterman performance and every other show of the like. They could at least show pictures of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, et al, behind her. In fact, they just released a remix of the show with Jay-Z, he was already there, he could have jumped on stage.

- I would personally like to thank whoever decided to turn Amanda Bynes into a stripper. She didn’t quite pull it off entirely, but it still worked for me.

- It was nice to see a movie that was universally panned by critics and viewers alike, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest actually took home the Best Movie award. And it is not a good sign when your live awards show actually ends two minutes early. No wonder we rarely saw the morbidly obese dude with the freakish bellybutton.

Worst Songs of 2006

It’s no secret that the Top 40 radio is dieing off thanks to shrinking playlists and more specialized stations. So in honor of that I present to you the 40 Worst Songs of 2006. And you know you have compiled a list of some crappy songs when Kevin Federline doesn’t crack the Top 10. It’s disturbing how many of the “artist” on this list come from reality television (for those keeping track at home, fifteen songs were from reality stars which beats out songs that “feature” by one) showing that record executives are too lazy to find nor market good artists. And not surprisingly the same artists that topped the Worst Albums of the Year list do the same here taking up three of the worst three songs of the year. Download these songs from iTunes at your own risk and feel free to let me know what songs of the past year that you dislike in the comment section:


1. Nothing In This World - Paris Hilton
2. About Us - Brooke Hogan featuring Paul Wall
3. London Bridge - Fergie
4. Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton
5. Wind it Up - Gwen Stefani
6. I'm N Luv (Wit a Stripper) - T-Pain featuring Mike Jones
7. My Love - Justin Timberlake featuring T.I.
8. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic! at the Disco
9. Fergalicious - Fergie
10. Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
11. U & Ur Hand - Pink
12. Show Stopper - Danity Kane
13. Lose Control - Kevin Federline
14. Lips of an Angel - Hinder
15. Come to Me - Diddy featuring Nicole Scherzinger
16. Do I Make You Proud - Taylor Hicks
17. Stupid Girl - Pink
18. The Real Thing - Bo Bice
19. Invisible - Ashlee Simpson
20. Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt
21. Ms. New Booty - Bubba Sparxxx featuring Mr. ColliPark & Ying Yang Twins
22. The Kill - 20 Seconds to Mars
23. Shoulder Lean - Young Dro featuring T.I.
24. Hood Boy - Fantasia featuring Big Boi
25. Control Myself - LL Cool J featuring Jennifer Lopez
26. Chain Hang Low - Jibbs
27. Let U Go - Ashley Parker Angel
28. It's Goin’ Down - Yung Joc featuring Nitti
29. Land of Confusion - Disturbed
30. Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It - Dem Franchize Boyz featuring Peenut & Charlay
31. SexyBack - Justin Timberlake featuring Timbaland
32. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
33. Hate Me - Blue October
34. What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey
35. I Belong to Me - Jessica Simpson
36. Sideline Ho - Monica
37. Unpredictable - Jamie Foxx featuring Ludacris
38. So Excited - Janet Jackson featuring Khia
39. Hanging On - Cheyenne Kimball
40. Buttons - Pussycat Dolls featuring Big Snoop Dogg

Worst Albums of 2006

Throughout the last twelve months I have reviewed over a hundred albums and sadly some of them were not exactly good thanks to record executives using non traditional ways to find new artist in recent years like reality shows. Plus they unwisely thought that just because an artist had a lot of friends on MySpace means that they can make good music. Now my list is only of albums that I reviewed since there way too many American Karaoke contestants that didn’t even win releasing albums and the My Chemical Romance album was so bad I couldn’t even make thought the whole album. So here’s the worst of the worst and if you are interested in reading my original review, click the link below the album, the album link goes to iTunes if you enjoy torture:

1. Paris - Paris Hilton
Since I'm Already Screwed, Here's a Message to You

2. Undiscovered - Brooke Hogan
Musings from the Back 9: VH1 Reality Albums Edition (third item)

3. The Dutchess - Fergie
Toss Up: Clay Aiken vs Fergie

4. Taylor Hicks - Taylor Hicks
I Got My Degree in Crying

5. I’m Not Dead - Pink
It's Hypocritical of You

6. Playing with Fire - Kevin Federline
I'm Kevin Federline, America's Most Hated

7. A Thousand Different Ways - Clay Aiken
Toss Up: Clay Aiken vs Fergie

8. FutureSex/LoveSounds - Justin Timberlake
Go 'Head Be Gone with It

9. Danity Kane - Danity Kane
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (second item)

10. What’s Left of Me - Nick Lachey
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (forth item)

11. Cassie - Cassie
It's Not that Deep

12. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
This Sounds like Disco Tetris

13. Press Play - Diddy
I'm from the Eighties NYC Five Percent of Culture

14. On an Island - David Gilmour
It's Just the Dice You Roll

15. The Day Has Come - Cheyenne Kimball
This Is Gonna Rock Until it Rolls

16. Blowin’ Up - Jamie Kennedy & Stu Stone
Goodnight Michelle

17. B’Day - Beyoncé
I Could Have Another You in a Moment

18. A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson
If You Want to Impress a Hick Then Make it Go Tick

19. In My Mind - Pharrell
I Know this Part Ain't Pretty but You Know I'll Be Busy

20. We Don’t Need to Whisper - Angels & Airwaves
Everyone Will Listen Even if it Hurts Sometimes

21. The Phoenix - Lyfe Jennings
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (third item)

22. Goodbye Alice in Wonderland - Jewel
I’m Embarrassed to Say the Rest Is Rock n Roll Cliché

23. The High Road - JoJo
Your Chance Has Come and Gone

24. Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose - Meat Loaf
There Were Moments of Gold and Flashes of Light

25. Release Therapy - Ludacris
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition III (first item)

We on Award Tour: Big in 2006 Awards

Back in October, despite two whole months left, VH1 released it’s nominations for their Big in 2006. The nominations came so early then even had to add some nominees later because they deserved to be mentioned when talking about the year that was. Of course the nominations had to come so early because even though December was just a couple days old the channel held the awards ceremony. Well to be technical that’s just when they aired because the actual awards were likely taped days ago. But anyways. Here are some thoughts from the festivities:

- Even though the latest movie in the franchise was just released you really shouldn’t open up a show about 2006 with a James Bond parody. Although dressing D.L. Hughley up like Boret yet looking more like Steve Harvey was funny. And the monologue was great. Now if only Sorkin would let D.L. write some comedy for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which oddly didn’t receive a mention) imagine how the show could actually be better.

- Whoever decided to pair up Tommy Lee and the cheerleader from Heroes should be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. They hand out the Big Music Artist to Justin Timberlake. Yawn, I’m ready for sexy to go away again.

- Flavor Flav is your backstage announcer for the night and possibly got more screen time than Hughley. I am now convinced that Flav has some compromising pictures of the president of VH1.

- Umm, should I know who Miley Cyrus is? She along with Lance Bass, who somehow escapes from obscurity just for being outed, are out to announce the performance of Fergie. They put this way too early in the show because it’s too soon for a bathroom break. I really hope the Fergie era ends along with 2006 and she takes all the other faux female rappers along with her.

- Wow, Kathy Griffin is looking scarier and scarier by the minute. Give her a wig and five years and she will look exactly like Joan Rivers. Lame segment too.

- Next up are the Dancing with C-Listers losers, the dudes from Blossom and Save by the Bell who give the award for big comeback to another has been who needs a reality show to stay on television, David Hasselhoff.

- Britney Spears wins Big Mama. Keep in mind most of the voting was done before she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and flashing her kootchiepop all over the place. And to think two weeks ago no one thought there was anyway Kevin Federline could win custody of their children and now he actually looks like the better parent.

- Speaking of bad plastic surgery, here comes Jenna Jamison. But this begs the question is it really a bad face lift if no one ever looks at your face? But anyways. Lonelygirl15, who apparently has a real name, Jessica Rose, and cleans up well from all the pajamas she wears to win the Big Web Hit. Now was I just fantasizing are did Jessica ask to make a video with Jenna?

- The Killers are onstage with, like Fergie, the same song they performed at the VMA’s. Oh well, at least it’s the best song off their album. And I really like the last line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus… But more than you’ll ever know.” (Mmm, I wonder if that line will show up later this month.)

- Two actors from various CSI shows give the award for Big Breakthrough to Steven Colbert who despite being on tape is funny as usual as he has a collection of Emmys around. Odd that he pokes fun at the cast of fellow nominee High School Musical yet they weren’t mentioned in the nominee segment.

- Ice-T and his trophy wife is out to announce the best performance of the night: “Weird Al” Yankovic. I was a little disappointed that VH1 didn’t take my advice and have Al perform with Chamillionaire, but this will have to do.

- The Big Shocker goes North Korea testing the bomb. VH1 really dropped the ball by not staging an acceptance speech by bringing in the puppet from Team America.

- The Big Mistakes was another great bit by Hughley, the best being when talking about Mel Gibson blaming all the wars on the Jews, Hughley said, “I didn’t know George Bush is Jewish.” High comedy right there.

- Next out are the dude from Borat not named Borat and Brooke Hogan (it’s time to cut your loses Hulk, Brooke’s music career is officially a failure) to give the Big Reality Star to some chick from Big Brother. Really? There is something ironic (possibly sad) about people who sit around their house watching people sit around a house doing nothing.

- Xzibit announces the Big It-Girl as Katherine McVeigh. I wonder if she’s related to the dude who blew up the building in Oklahoma City.

- Nothing says 2006 like a performance by the dude from Styx. Um, yeah, okay. Apparently he was out to recognize the woman of reality TV, sadly Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge was missing. Although they made up for her absence by closing out the segment with Ms. Jay, that had me on the floor laughing.

- Umm, should I know who Perez Hilton is? Whoever he is, he really needs to invest in a speech coach. And only Paris Hilton would be so starved for the spotlight that she would actually show up to accept an award like Big Outlaw. I wonder if she realizes that we are laughing at her, not with her.

- When did the dude from X-Play start singing for The Fray?

- Nice of VH1 to award Big Entertainer to Dane Cook long after most people believed he stopped being funny. The proof was in his acceptance speech where he too a joke that should have been funny (saying he’d meet up with Lindsay, Paris, and Britney then flash his junk while getting out of a car) only to go way overboard. It’s time to learn about subtlety Dane.

- The last award of the night goes to Kiefer Sutherland for Big TV Star. Yawn. Possibly the most boring VH1 award show ever.


If you watched the Big show you undoubtedly saw some commercials for upcoming VH1 reality shows because that’s all they show anymore. Here I rank them in order of how excited I am about them.

4) I Love New York - A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off; that has to be some sort of record. But even though I’m a huge Flavor Flav guy there is no way you can get me to watch this.
3) Tom Sizmore Show - I missed what the exact title of the show was and oddly there is no mention of it on the VH1 website, but it looks exactly like Breaking Bonaduce but without the wife. Granted there is a reason why I don’t watch that show and won’t be watching this.
2) The Surreal Life Game - The Surreal Life was a complete rip off of The Real World so it was inevitable that it would riff its spin-off, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and just like the RW/RR I’ll watch every minute.
1) The White Rapper Show - It looks like an American Karaoke rip-off with M.C. Search of 3rd Bass as a judge. Seriously, this could be the greatest show in VH1 history. Well maybe not Pop Up Videos good, but close.

We on Award Tour - 2006 Video Music Awards

There were high hopes for this year’s MTV Music Video Awards after two years of well below sub-par shows. But in the end this year’s VMA’s were just as bad as the previous one with Jack Black somehow finding a way to be unfunny (and this may be a tipping point for Black after being universally panned for Nacho Libre). What was worse was for a show that has built itself of big stage productions and surprised guest, the performances seemed extremely low-budgets compared to years past and the surprised guests this year were Montel Williams, the little kid from the movie no one but movie snobs saw, and Lou Reed and the dude from ZZ Top who were most likely only there because The Raconteurs invited them. Here are more disappointing moments from the five hours of my life that I’ll never get back:

- Just as worthless as the big show was the hour and a half pre-show this basically was a vehicle for people to promote upcoming albums. Usually they have a world premiere video or exclusive interview, but nothing but two horrible performances.

- The show starts out with the chick from Kids Incorporated performing London Bridge, a song easily a lock for the Worst Songs of 2006 list. Blatant guided vocal track here as she didn’t even bother to even lip-sync half the time.

- Kurt Loder and John Norris must have something on the higher ups at the network because as MTV tries to distance itself from what it used to be (even refusing to even acknowledge it’s 25th anniversary) these two still show up every year at the VMA’s.

- Does the world really need a rock opera from My Chemical Romance? Really the world doesn’t need another album from them let along a concept album. But with the goth Sergeant Pepper garb, the creepy skeleton children’s choir, and the lead singer actually trying to sing with a fake British accent maybe the musical version of Jumping the Shark. Oh as for the premiere of their new song, it is easily a lock for the Worst Songs of 2006 list.

- Can we please end the Diddy era? The dude is now walking around with his own spokesman because he’s too elf important to talk. Really no one has capitalized on the death of someone else. Well except for all the Elvis impersonators.

- We start off the big show with Jay-Z welcoming the show back to New York City from a top of a building. This would have been a lot cooler had they not had the My Chemical Romance performance there earlier.

- Who ever decided the show should start off with a performance of a song that no one has ever heard should be fired. Worst show opening ever. When Justin Timberlake then switched to Worst Song of 2006 nominee SexyBack and brought out Big Head Timberland and a blatant guided vocal track, things didn’t get much better. What’s worse is it seems that the phrase Sexyback is going to overtake the go to phase for the corny old dudes replacing Fiddy (as in Fiddy Cent) after corny old dudes Al Gore and Jared Leto both used it.

- I kept waiting and waiting for the opening Jack Black skit to get funny, but sadly it never did. I think that it may have been the goal with the “everything going wrong” theme, but that’s just too high brow for me. Although I like how the MTV execs were the Douches. And what was with Black kissing everyone’s butt all evening? MTV really need to bring Chris Rock back.

- The first presenter is the straight from jail Lil’ Kim. Seeing her makes me wonder should you lose all the street cred you receive for going to jail but by getting released early for good behavior?

- The first shocker of the night was James Blunt for winning Best Male Video. I have a suspicion that this was a last minute decision to give him the award just to give his girlfriend some airtime.

- The least hip-hop song nominated wins Best Hip-Hop award. And up the irony quotient one of the Black Eyed Peas talked about how there is a place for positive rap as he picks up an award for a song about a woman’s naughty bits.

- Shakira and her Indian themed performance for Hips Don't Lie was probably the best of the night, but that’s not really saying much.

- Can someone please explain the allure of Jackass to me? Am I the moron for not finding naked midgets and dudes hitting each other in the testicles funny?

- Lil’ John is up next and tells everyone to get on the feet, but as the camera scans the place, everyone is as slow to get up as if a hymn started to play at church. But I can’t blame them considering it was just for Ludacris whose set looked like it was on a lower budget than most high school plays. Not a good sign for a song called Moneymaker. And had Ludacris not namedropped them, I would have never known that it was the Pussycat Dolls that came on stage at the end of the song.

- Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls, it’s sad tat we live in a world where they actually won a music award. But it’s nice that they thanked God for winning an award that tells dudes to loosen up their buttons. Classy.

- Jessica Simpson actually used the phrase “Push My Tush” while presenting the awards. I actually can feel my IQ dropping. Oh, and to follow up a story I broke here a couple days ago about her hooking up with John Mayer, just days later, Mayer posted on his blog that he really like the Public Enemy song Don’t Believe the Hype.

- OK Go redid their Here it Goes Again video with the treadmills step for step. What a waste of time. I could see the same exact routine on YouTube whenever I want, why would I want to see it live. The least they could have done was to screw p somewhere to make this performance memorable. Complete waste of time.

- What was on Paris Hilton’s head? But something has to be said that her album has been out more than a week and she has yet to perform a song live once. Even Ashlee Simpson’s people trusted her enough to lip-sync, it’s not a good sign that Paris cannot even be trusted to do that. Luckily she didn’t try doing it tonight instead she was just relegated to present the dude from Smallville and his band.

- Did some backstage dude grab Nicole Richie’s butt as she went onstage? I wonder if Nicole realized that Pink was making fun of her during her acceptance speech. I wonder if Pink realized that no one knew she was trying to be ironic.

- Did anyone else start to feel old when Snoop Dogg was talking about how all the new rappers were in diapers when he started? He then presents the Best Rap Video to Chamillionaire who said the best advice he ever got was to stay humble. Keep in mind this is coming from a guy who then named himself Chamillionaire.

- Guided Vocal Alert! Beyoncé gets no introduction and performs her second single off her new album. It’s never a good sign when a label has to rush out a second single before the album is never a good sign. Maybe we can expect that Destiny’s Child reunion sooner than later.

- T.I. is out next to perform a medley of songs I’ve never heard before and hope to never hear again.

- How funny was it that the dude who won Ringtone of the Year actually brought a list of people to thank? Apparently he didn’t get the memo that’s this was a joke award.

- It’s official, I am now totally sick of Fall Out Boy. And what was with the dude with the cape? The band is out to present Panic! at the Disco, or as I like to call it, a bathroom break. The performance would have been much better had the lead singer would have gotten hit with a bottle early in the song. If you want to see that happen, check out YouTube. Now that was entertaining.

- What's with bringing out the ten-year-old girl to the sounds of Rick James Superfreak. That is just totally wrong.

- I know that people like to make fun of past scandals but when your scandal is that you are horrible parents, it’s not a good idea to parody that sediment like Britney and her baby daddy did. Someone please send that tape to child services.

- Christina Aguilera for some reason to performed a balled. The massive guns she was showing off didn’t help with those drag queen comparisons.

- I thought they took out Michael Jackson from the Video Vangard award. Granted they have been sporatic giving it out lately. Hype Williams wins. It's sad that the rap cliches his videos created over a decade ago are still being used today.

- So AFI wins Best Rock Video and they were the only one all night who brings up the voting. This was something I was really wondering about, in the press release for the nominees, it mentioned that there was voting on the website, but I never heard anything about it after that. Nor did anything mention what the votes meant or if they meant why there was still a Viewer’s Choice Award. This is really bugging me.

- During one of their many mini-songs The Raconteurs changed the lyrics of historic song to “internet killed the video star.” Clever. Although this is about a year after I declared Podcasts Killed the Video Star.

- Worst Dressed of the night goes to Jennifer Lopez and her gypsy outfit. Seriously, who brought her out of obscurity? Can we quickly send her back there before she makes more crappy music? She appropriately presents Video of the Year to Panic! at the Disco, a crappy song to top off the crappy year.

- The night ends with The Killers. As the song ends they go to the nosebleed camera and just when you think they are setting up for something special, they cut back to Jack Black who ends the show.

Since I’m Already Screwed Here’s a Message to You

Nobody can set a bar as low as Paris Hilton not even the thought of Kevin Federline rapping had as low of expectations. Quite a marketing strategy actually because no how bad it is, it’s going to better than expected. And just that happened when her song Stars Are Blind “leaked” (yeah, much like her sex tape leaked) onto the internet. But saying the song was better than expected would be saying after meeting Osama bin Ladin saying, “You know, he was less evil than I thought he’d be.” Just because the song was a two on a scale of a hundred instead of one doesn’t make it a good song. Not to mention if I were Deborah Harry I’d sue and point to every review of the song as proof that it blatantly stole from The Tide Is High.

On the aptly titled Paris (not as catch as One Night in Paris, but anyways) Paris’ singing is very akin to her speech patterns; very little inflection which could explain why her vocals are distorted or layered thought the album and there are time where I’m pretty sure the lead vocal isn’t her especially at the end of Turn it Up. It’s so deliberate and overdone even Ashlee Simpson could make fun of Paris’ singing without anyone mentioning pots and kettles. Paris even tries at spoken word and cooing but and the result is laughable at best. In the chorus of one song she inexplicably turns “fight” into a two syllable word. Most of the songs are about how sexy she is with titles including Fightin’ Over Me, Turn You On (where she disturbingly says she’ll be our “liquid dream,” did she not learn from O-Town how creepy that phrase is) and the apparently ironic Screwed.

Then there is Jealousy which will obviously conjure up thoughts of Nicole Richie until you realize that would me that it was actually Paris who wrote the song. I’m just going to assume that she got writing credits for telling someone else things like, “write me a song about how evil Nicole,” or randomly dropping, “that’s hot,” into a song. I can’t image Paris would write the line in Not Leaving Without You, “Don’t ask me for my number because my number’s undercover,” when anyone with an internet connection can find her, and all her friends numbers there.

And for those who took the under for thirty second on how long it would take for Paris to say “That’s hot,” which also happens to be the most annoying catchphrase ever, on the album, time to call up you bookie because you won by twenty-five seconds. She also gives an early shout-out to her producer, Scott Storch three times in the first two songs, which is the most annoying innovation in music today, even more annoying than rappers who namedrop their label. Wait, I was wrong saying “That’s hot” is the most annoying catchphrase, no that title goes to guest rapper Morbidly Obese Joe (saying he's fat is the understatement of the decade) who for some reason has to say “Crack” every time he starts raping. He shows up on Fightin’ Over Me along with Jadakiss who I think wasn’t actually told that the verse for a Paris Hilton song as he doesn’t mention it or even raps about what the song is about.

Stealing is a big theme of this album. Aside from the previously mentioned Blondie rip-off (not to mention they obviously stole the idea for the Stars Are Blind video from Chris Isaak) there are plenty of other “influences” on the album. Heartbeat starts off just like Love at First Sight by Kylie Minogue and everything in-between sound like what would happen if someone was making an eighties movie but didn’t have enough money to license any songs from the era so they paid someone really cheap and the song is the result. Then there’s Nothing in this World which totally rips off The Veronicas’ 4Ever granted not as blatantly as Pink did with her note for note grand larceny U + Ur Hand but there is something to be said about stealing from a song that someone already did a couple months earlier. Another “influence” you can find on the album is Donna Summer on Not Leaving Without You which has almost the exact same beat as I Need Love. The only legal theft sample is on I Want You which takes from the theme to Grease (which my sources tell me is the word).

The album comes to a conclusion with I believe another reviewer called a sign of the apocalypse, and really I can’t think of a better comparison, when Paris tries sing Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? In a word: No. I have reviewed a bunch of bad albums in the past but Paris is so bad I had to invent a new level to my Terror Alert Scale - TA:Black.

Song to Download - Are You Kidding?

Paris gets a [TA: Black] on my Terror Alert Scale.