Previewing The Client List 2.x: A Dude's Review of Lifetime vol. II

In a measure of full discourse, I should mention I am a straight man so in my lifetime, I have managed to avoid the Lifetime network. I think it is somewhere in between the local sports network and MSNBC (natch). I am not entirely sure, but I also think the Lifetime Movie Channel (which I think are affiliated with each other) is among that tier of three digit channels I never go into (which begs the question why am I paying so much for cable when I watch less than twenty of the a thousand channels I have, but anyway).

But recently Lifetime was kind enough to give me access to their screeners so I decided to check out all they have to offer (I fear I will be spending the weekend watching all the Lifetime movies they have to offer including Restless Virgins starring Switched at Birth’s Vanessa Marano premiering this Saturday) one of which is the second season premiere of The Client List. Since I did not have time to watch the entire first season, I watched the eight minute recap video embedded below:

So Jennifer Love Hewitt has to turn to prostitution after her husband leaves her for a mountain of debt and has to juggle being a single mom, dating, and breaking the law. And then her husband comes back to make things even more complicated. But forget about Love, who knew that Bridget from R Kelly was on the show!?! Please tell me on the show she is having an affair black midget that cannot control his bladder while married to Chalky White from Boardwalk Empire. I am actually excited to watch now, let move on to season two.

It dawned on me while watching the second season premiere that this may be the first time I have seen anything with Jennifer Love Hewitt in it since Heartbreakers. Actually, has she even been in anything since Heartbreakers besides Ghost Whisperer? It is amazing to think how Love went from the hottest thing on the planet for a year and half to just completely drop off the cultural zeitgeist.

I really cannot talk much about the actual second season premiere because like many advanced viewing, I am forbidden by the network from reporting any big spoilers, and there is a pretty big plot twist at the start of the episode (which opens where the last season ended with a state trooper getting out of his patrol car) and that plot carries through the entire episode. I can tease that someone quits The Rub, another finds love, there is an unintentionally funny training montage set to Kelly Clarkson, and someone actually utters the line, “You’re really going to blow the clients away, pun intended.” I can also sadly report that Bridget does not have any run-ins with any black midgets. Oh well, maybe next episode.

The Client List airs Sundays at 10:00 on Lifetime. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download The Client List on iTunes.

Best of the Week - 11/24/12

Quote of the Week: She sent us a biter-gram yo. (Merle, The Walking Dead)

Song of the Week: Love Hurts – Nazareth (Go On)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Chevy Chase Leaves Community: Although this begs the question is it really leaving the show two episodes before the presumed series finale is filmed? That is like a teacher retiring during finals week.

Preview Picture of the Week:


Free Download of the Week: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear - Norah Jones (iTunes)

Deal of the Week:



New Album Release of the Week: Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys

New DVD Release of the Week: Men in Black 3

Video of the Week: The latest chapters debuted last night and and as soon as they hit the internets, I will post them here.

Next Week Pick of the Week: Leverage, Tuesday at 10:00 on TNT: Leverage returns this week, on a Tuesday instead of its usual Sundays following Rizzoli and Isles, to air the final five episodes of its fifth season going up against a big box company that is destroying a small town. For those that do the math, yes that means the season finale will fall on Christmas night. If my memory serves me correctly, it aired on Christmas (and New Year's Day) last year too.

Best of the Week - 10/20/12

Quote of the Week: It’s true Marty, we grow gardens in the room next to our sleep chamber, you keep a sewer there. Yes I guess we are the crazy ones. (Larry Bird, The Neighbors)

Song of the Week: The Parting Glass – The Sisters Green (The Walking Dead)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: A Binder Full of Women: I really did not want to talk about the debates three straight week because I do not think they matter that much but unfortunately there really was not anything else big that happened this week enless you consider the cancelation of Animal Practice big (R.I.P. Annie’s Boobs). And let’s face it does not matter who wins but what are people talking about the next day. Supposedly Mitt Romney won big but how big could that win be if everyone spent the next day talking about Big Bird? And supposedly Barack Obama took this debate but really the only part of the debate anyone talked about was Mitt’s binder full of women so does it even really matter? One more debate to go, but again does it really matter, people already started voting anyway here in Ohio the state that is going to decide the election.

Preview Picture of the Week:


Free Download of the Week: Make the World Go Away – Jamey Johnson featuring Alison Krause (iTunes)

New Album Release of the Week: The Haunted Man - Bat for Lashes

New DVD Release of the Week: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Video of the Week: Trapped in the Closet! Chapter 23!! Masterpiece Closet!!! Rosie the Noisy Neighbor!!!! Big Man!!!!! Pimp Lucius!!!!!! The Package!!!!!!! More new episodes coming November 23!!!!!!!! Can't wait!!!!!!!!! CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!


Next Week Pick of the Week: Mockingbird Lane, Friday at 8:00 on NBC: Just days after some internet site said the new Munster’s reboot was dead and NBC said no it is not, the network actually gave it a premiere date just in time for Halloween. Although do not expect any new episode after that any time soon because even if it does well, there are no more episodes filmed. So just enjoy it for what it is a one of special.

Best of the Week - 3/24/12

Quote of the Week: Why wait? (Raylan, Justified)

Song of the Week: Silver Springs – Fleetwood Mac (as sung by George Bluth Sr., Bent)

Scene of the Week:



Big News of the Week: Tim Tebow Heading to New York: As a Cleveland Browns, I was a bit worried with all the talking head claiming the Browns must upgrade at the quarterback position even though I was content with Colt McCoy and though the team should upgrade around him, making Colt better in the process. Serious, his number one receiver last year was a kick returner. I do not like mobile quarterbacks like Robert Griffin III because they have a short shelf life, and free agents like Kevin Kolb and Matt Flynn were not going to do much better than McCoy and I did not want to overpay for the same production we already had. A week after free agency started and all the high profile names were out of the pictures and I let out a sigh of relief. Then Peyton Manning landed in Denver.

Naturally all the talking head pointed to Cleveland as a potential landing spot for Tim Tebow which made more worried than the previous possible because Tim is the single worst starting quarterback ever in the history of the National Football League. Sure he made me believe me in God again because not only was he the worst, he also was the luckiest playing teams after major upheaval, the Bears a week after Jay Cutler got hurt, the first game back for Carson Palmer after sitting on the couch the last year and a half. They were even to win a playoff game because the Steelers best defensive players couldn’t even set foot in Denver because a medical issue could have killed him because of the thin air.

Thankfully the Jets quickly traded for Tebow, not just because he would not be playing for Cleveland, but Tebow’s presence in New York could possibly cause the city, or very least the team, to self combust. Seriously, is it too late to get a Tebow / Rex Ryan reality show on this fall? Sure I may have some karma coming back to be for badmouthing Tim Tebow (as Pat Robertson humorously suggest will happen to Peyton Manning for daring to step into Tebow’s shoes) but to see Tebow singlehandedly bring down NYC can only be summed up by the Jet’s own Bart Scott: “can’t wait!”

Preview Picture of the Week:

Make it or Break It returning Monday at 9:00 on ABC Family

Free Download of the Week: Blood for Poppies – Garbage (Garbage.com; e-mail required)

Deal of the Week: $3.99 Albums: Amazon has secretly released another batch of albums for only $3.99 including ones from The Throne, Florence + the Machine, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Maroon 5. Grab them quick because the sale may npt last long.



New Album Release of the Week: Covered - Macy Gray

New DVD Release of the Week: South Park: The Complete Fifteenth Season

Video of the Week: All the pretentious Man Men fans like to whine how it’s been about five hundred days since the last new episode. Screw you hippies. It has been 1,677 days since R. Kelly released the last chapter of Trapped In the Closet. Well the wait is almost over because IFC recently announced that new episodes are “coming soon.” No word on when exactly or how many new chapters will be released this time, but Kels stated last year that he has already written thirty-two chapters. Can’t wait.



Next Week Pick of the Week: Mad Men, Sunday at 9:00 on AMC: After all the hype, I finally got around to watching Mad Men a couple years ago and was bored to tears. Unfortunately I already owned season three before I even started on the first season, so I went ahead and forced myself through the second which also did not do much for me aside from cure my insomnia (and make me want to drink and smoke and work; two things I rarely even do at home). The third season got better and had a season finale that I really enjoyed and for the first time I really wanted to see where the show would go with the new agency. And the fourth did not disappoint the promise mostly because of Don Draper’s secretaries, the first who hilariously had a mental breakdown that Don chose to ignore and then was replace by Mrs. Blankenship who was straight out of a sixties work sitcom. As I write this, I still have three episodes I need to get through to be caught up by the fifth season premiere, and even though I doubt I will ever enjoy it like all the annoying pretentious people who claim Mad Men is the best thing on television (seriously, do they just not watch Justified or refuse to think a show about rednecks could be any good?), but I am for the first time actually looking forward to the show.

The 100 Guiltiest Guilty Pleasures of the 00's

1. Snakes on a Plane

2. Trapped in the Closet

3. Olympic Curling

4. “I drink your milkshake… I drink it up!”

5. Pootie Tang

6. Dan LeBatard guest hosting PTI (BAM!)

7. Flavor of Love and its countless spin-offs

8. Thong Song - Sisqó

9. “Boom goes the dynamite”

10. “You know how I know you're gay…”

11. Carrot Top audio commentary on Rules of Attraction

12. Blaming it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol

13. The Osbornes

14. Chris Hansen

15. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

16. “Yo Kobe, tell me how my (expletive deleted) tastes”

17. Red Stripe: It's Beer; Hooray Beer

18. Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football

19. Mash Up’s

20. Party in the U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus

21. Wazzzzzzup!?!

22. Taylor Swift

23. Sorority Life

24. using names as verbs (i.e. He got Cheneyed last time he went hunting)

25. Carrie Underwood

26. Kanye West’s ego

27. (Explative Deleted) It (I Don’t Want You Back) - Eamon

28. Coyote Ugly

29. Telling people you are, indeed, bringing sexyback

30. Thinking with Your Dip Stick, Jimmy

31. VH1’s I Love the…

32. Amish in the City

33. Hotel for Dogs

34. “What?!? Yeah!!!”

35. I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! (ABC version)

36. Who Let the Dogs Out - The Baha Men

37. Howard Dean scream

38. “You play to win the game” Herm Edwards

39. Downfall memes

40. Mac ads

41. Chocolate Rain

42. Wizards of Waverly Place

43. Complaining about Lost

44. Leave (Get Out) - JoJo

45. Miami Football’s 7th Floor Crew

46. Because I Got High - Afroman

47. I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked - Ida Maria

48. Sexual Seduction (video) - Snoop Dogg

49. “We let them off the hook” Denny Greene

50. The Surreal Life

51. Don't Forget (video) - Demi Lovato

52. Chad Ochocinco

53. Oops! I Did it Again - Brittany Spears

54. Desperate Housewives

55. John Stewart vs. Tucker Carlson

56. John Tucker Must Die

57. Mandy Moore

58. The Man Show

59. Beauty and the Geek

60. 3 6 Mafia winning an Oscar

61. Joe Schmo

62. Come Clean - Hilary Duff

63. Average Joe

64. Extreme Dodgeball

65. Bartman

66. Paul Blart: Mall Cop

67. Team America: World Police

68. Michael Moore

69. Soulja Boy Superman Dance

70. TaTu MTV Movie Awards performance

71. Sarah Palin

72. Mamma Mia!

73. The Real Cancun

74. Celebrity Deathmatch

75. We Are All Made of Stars (video) - Moby

76. Zell Miller challenging Chris Matthews to a duel

77. Tik Tok - Ke$ha

78. Hot In Herre - Jenny Owen Young

79. Road Trip (and Eurotrip for that matter)

80. Under the Moonlight (Do Me) - Dylan and the Rusty Zippers

81. Enchanted

82. Bandslam

83. Olympic Badminton

84. Eminem feuding with a puppet

85. Undercover Brother

86. Falling Down - Selena Gomez and the Scene

87. “Weird Al” Yankovic

88. Wake Up Call (video) - Hayden Panettiere

89. Holidae In - Chingy

90. Rush Limbaugh on ESPN

91. Blind Date

92. This I Promise You - *NSYNC

93. The Pacifier

94. Forever Wedding Dance

95. Being Bobby Brown

96. John McEnroe on CNBC

97. Death to All but Metal (video) - Steel Panther

98. How High

99. Seven Nation Army - The Oak Ridge Boys

100. “You Lie” Joe Wilson