First Impressions - Emily's Reasons Way Not

After years of airing the iconic Monday Night Football on the first day of the week, ABC said goodbye to the football giant two weeks ago. And how to you replace the biggest draw among men? Well apparently ABC believes by bringing Rollergirl, Uncle Jesse, and The Bachelor, which I thought got canceled after the Jerry O'Connell’s brother debacle, is the answer. Even though it’s very doubtful any guy watched any of this lineup, I braved my way through Rollergirl’s attempt at television, Emily’s Reasons Why Not.

The show itself utilizes narration to guide the show. And if that sounds familiar, it should as every new sitcom does it, and for those keeping track at home that includes My Name Is Earl, Everybody Hates Chris, How I Met Your Mother, The War at Home, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I were missing some. But what sets Emily’s Reasons Why Not apart is ERWN is 75% narration which could be good because I believe Heather Graham should be seen and not heard. But when it’s Graham doing the narration, it really defeats the purpose. As for Graham herself, lets face it, the girl cannot act. Yeah she’s okay when playing a dirty dirty slut (see Boogie Nights and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me) but can anyone name another movie she’s been good in? Didn’t think so.

The appearance of Mark Valley was also painful to watch to see how low he has had to stoop after Fox unceremoniously canceled the brilliant Keen Eddie (mmm, why does this sounds familiar, oh yeah, check out Won’t Be Fooled Again). I bet Fox now wishes they didn’t prematurely pull the plug now considering the show also featured the then unknown Sienna Miller who now routinely appears on tabloid covers and E! But anyways.

As poor of an actress that Heather Graham, the writing doesn’t help either. It took me forever to figure out what the Reasons Why Not were, and when I finally figured it out I wish I hadn’t. Apparently once Emily figured out five reasons why not to date a guy, she then dumps him. This will be the basis of the rest of the shows: Emily meets a dude, figured out five reasons, dumps him and repeat. The first unlucky guy seems to be gay but turns out he’s Mormon and hilarity doesn’t ensue. Helping her out are a girlfriend who looks like a dud and a gay guy who is nowhere as funny as the gay guy on Will & Grace. Emily also has an antagonist in coworker Glitter Cho, no seriously, that’s the character’s name, but even her catty comments were extremely boring.

Verdict: When does Monday Night Football start up on ESPN? Well not that this show will last that long anyways.

First Impressions - The Book of Daniel

When I first heard about The Book of Daniel it never really appeared on my radar. It sounded too much like Joan of Arcadia with the talking deity and all. I did watch Joan of Arcadia but I wasn’t really up in arms when they canceled the show as the whole talking to God routine was getting stale. But then last week I kept on reading about religious zealots were boycotting the show with a couple NBC affiliates refusing to even air the show. Personally I like to wait until I’ve actually seen something before I condemn it, but that’s just me. Now there is nothing like a little controversy to peek my interest ever since 2 Live Crew became a must own in my childhood after being deemed obscene by the government.

So I ended up taping the show to see what the fuss is about and I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not in the entertainment value but after all the hoopla I was expecting Sodom and Gomorra but it was no where near as bad as most stuff on TV today and I would say Lost, which has won Family Awards, is much more immoral at times. Everything tackled in the double episode has been dealt with many times before on TV including many that are considered family friendly, homosexuality, prescription and illicit drug abuse, drug dealing, inter-racial dating, the couple that brings in dude’s secretary to spice things up in the bedroom. The only thing that the religious fanatics should really be mad about is the mob-catholic church connection. That was the only time I thought the show was pushing it, everything else is dealt with real life brevity sometimes painstakingly so as with grandma’s Alzheimer’s. Those scenes were just painful to watch and always make my heart ache thinking about people that really go through that every day.

The show has a nice blend of well respected actors such as Aidan Quinn as the pill popping priest. Ellen Burstyn is Quinn’s Bishop who likes to mooch on his stash and his dad while Susanna Thompson of Once and Again plays his wife. Then the kids are virtual unknown with the adopted Asian son, the openly gay son (well except grandpa doesn’t know yet), and the weed selling daughter who looks like the blonde version of Thora Birch. The kids really bring most of the entertainment value to the show like when the Asian and gay sons tried to our slur each other at the family dinner. Hayden Panettiere also appears as the daughter of a family that tells the adoptive mom they “don’t want a bunch of Asian kids running around at Christmas” when they find out thing are getting serious between the two teenagers. Of course Panettiere is of importance because my sources tell me she is quickly becoming the next Lindsay Lohan. No not because she’s a former Disney actress who dreams of a singing career, but for her alleged underage drinking, smoking, and partying with Paris Hilton. Somewhere Wilmer Valderrama is practicing pick up-lines.

Sadly the least interesting character is Jesus himself who is no where as entertain as God on Joan of Arcadia. Jesus shows up usually whenever Quinn is thinking about taking one of his pills. This is not to be confused with Denis Leary on Rescue Me when Jesus shows up whenever he thinks about taking a drink. Hopefully he will become more entertaining in future episodes because dude can walk on water; he shouldn’t be too hard to write for.

Verdict: Not as offensive as some my have you believe and is worth a second or third look. But with a 10:00 on Friday timeslot, make sure to set your VCR.

I Got the Shakes That'll Make You Quake

I have to start off this review by saying that I have never seen the 1974 original with Burt Reynolds, who also shows up in the update as the inmates coach, so I can’t compare the two movies. This could be a good thing because most reviews I read always stated how much the first one was better. Granted I can still compare this version to the other Adam Sandler football movie, The Waterboy. It’s odd that no one complained about Sandler playing a linebacker in that movie yet everyone jumped on him for trying to be a quarterback. And he was a washed up one to boot so I really didn’t have a problem with it.

Of course the movie is about the washed up QB in prison but how he gets there is great with cameos by Courtney Cox’s newly enormous breasts and Dan Patrick, who apparently didn’t get the memo that the movie would be set in present day as he instead chose to go with the 70’s gay porn mustache with a dash of the Village People. But from there Sandler is shipped off to a Texan prison where the warden pulled some strings in hope that he would help out with the prison guard’s football team. And what would be better practice for the guards than a little warm up game against a team of inmates.

Even though most of the inmates and guards are played by former football player, pro wrestlers and other non-actors, most of the characters are so well written, it makes up for any lack of acting experience. Ultimate Fighter Bob Sapp is great as the mentally slow Switowski, Michael Irvin in a role before he started holding onto his buddies narcotics plays a con who still doesn’t trust Sandler after selling out his teammates in the NFL, and the giant Dalip Singh English was so bad they had to subtitle everything. As for the guards, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brian Bosworth, who was always a better actor than football player, but that isn’t saying much, and Bill Romanowski all play their tough guys well but I bet Romo was mad that Stone Cold got to utter the racial slurs and not him. But the standout of the guard is Kevin Nash who even though goes into every cliché conceived is hilarious after the inmates replaced his steroids with estrogen.

But not all the characters are well flashed out. It’s hard to relate to Nelly talking how poor his character is when he has a couple gold teeth and Goldberg one running gag that his, um, chariot swings low, so to speak, gets old before it starts. The cast is filled out with more traditional actors with Chris Rock channeling Morgan Freeman as Caretaker, Terry Crews, who has gone on to play Rock’s dad on Everybody Hates Chris, is hilarious as the cheeseburger dude, as is Nicolas Turturro as the early recruit who is quickly benched as more black inmates show up.

The Longest Yard gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

There's Nothing Wrong With Ohio

One of the biggest stories of the NFL offseason looks like one that has been discussed the last couple years, is Brett Farve going to retire. With the Green Bay Packers dismal performance this season, which looks like it will continue into next, and the recent exit of his coach Mike Sherman, the odds of Farve’s retirement are a lot higher this year. But for football fans of my generation, we have a connection to Brett Farve and believe that the once invincible quarterback still has one more year in him and definitely don’t want him to go out on such a sour note. But since Green Bay is still a couple years until it can be rebuilt, here is idea for Farve to ponder: the Cleveland Browns.

After the debacle that was the Butch Davis era, things look to be turning around this year for new coach Romeo Crennel. First, the O-Line has finally been solid for the first time since the Browns returned which would give Farve more time and won’t have to resort to the wild bombs into triple coverage like he did many time this past season. Also he would have many weapons to throw to. Braylon Edwards, who should be recovered from his knee surgery in time for the 2006 season, and Antonio Bryant could quickly become one of the best tandem WR’s in the league. Plus Dennis Northcutt is always a dangerous third option. Then next season we should finally see the return of Kellen Winslow Jr. who has the possibly of being the TE that Farve really likes targeting especially in the Red Zone. And even if he isn’t a great of a "Soldier" as he claims, Steve Heiden was definitely productive this year.

Also the Browns have finally gotten a workhorse running back in Reuben Droughns that can also take pressure off Favre. Also with a treat through the air, Droughns could get into the endzone more than the two times he made it this past season. So with Farve at the help, the Browns turn into a instant playoff team. This isn’t to knock Trent Dilfer who won’t lose you games, but he won’t win you games like Farve can. And Charlie Frye showed us in the last couple games that he isn’t quite ready to lead a team. So how about it Brett, like a wise man once said, “There's nothing wrong with Ohio, except the snow and the rain.” But playing in Green Bay, you should be used to that. Plus if there are better fans in the NFL than the Cheeseheads, it would be the Dawg Pound.


As for the playoffs that start today, a look back at my preseason pick look to be extremely pathetic (see here, will have to scoll down) with only four of my picks actually making it (Steelers, Colts, Seahawks, Panthers) while my Super Bowl (Falcons) pick is already out of it while some picks finished last in their divisions (Jets, Packers, Eagles). So here are my revised picks:

AFC Title Game: Colts over Denver
NFC Title Game: Seahawks over Bears

Super Bowl: Colts over Seahawks 24-12

There’s nothing like chalk in the playoffs.

First Impressions - Four Kings

This has been a good year for sitcoms. After a good decade without a new good one, this year has seen three very watchable half hour programs that debuted this year. But then again, with all the great sitcoms this year, there still was the absolutely horrible The War at Home. But one of the better new ones, My Name Is Earl along with The Office, was moved to Thursday this week as NBC tries to resurrect its once unbeatable Must See TV lineup which hasn’t been Must See since Friends started to suck, and for those keeping track at home, that would be circa the mid-nineties.

To round out the new all comedy lineup is Will & Grace which I didn’t even realized was still on and is followed by the new Four Kings. The show follows four friends who are now living in an apartment left to one of them by his dead grandmother, who just so happened to coined them the Four Kings. The show stars the werewolf from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and three dudes whose IMDB pages look as impressive as mine, well that’s if I had one. For some reason my appearance on Letterman back in 1994 or the numerous times I was on public access don’t warrant my very own page. But anyways.

Last night started off in earnest with a decent theme song in the Counting Crow’s Hangin' Around. Then it was all downhill from there. There were very few jokes that actually made me laugh, but that could be due to the episode focused around the grandmother’s death and proceeding funeral and I’m not the biggest fan of dead grandma jokes. But that’s just me. Plus everything in the show was even easier to telegraph than Reunion. When the show is advertised as four dudes living together, you knew that the grandson would pick to live his buddies over his girlfriend, or as one of the guys put it “Bro’s over ho’s.” I think that was the first time someone used that phrase since Friends started to suck. Had she actually moved in with the Four Kings that may have made for an interesting show. Seriously, these networks really need to hire me as a consultant.

The only bright spot of the whole episode is when Oz went to break up with his girlfriend, even though I wasn’t really sure why all the guys had to break up with their girlfriends, or personal trainer in one of their cases, don’t ask, it wasn’t funny. But Oz’s confrontation with the twin daughters was hilarious. Sadly, since he broke up with their mother that will most likely be the last we see of them.

Verdict: It’s up against Survivor and Smallville, so even if it were remotely good, I still wouldn’t be watching it.

With Friends Like This

Well it looks like Reunion has aired its final episode, so I guess it’s about time I throw together a final review of the show even though it seems weird to whip up a review when supposable the most interesting aspects of the show have yet, and apparently never will be revealed because Fox had to make room for Skating with the Stars. And for those waiting for the proposed TV movie that will wrap everything up, don’t hold your breathe. It’s just something they say to keep from die-hards from rioting. Remembered how they were going to run a couple Buffy/Angel movies every year? The last I checked there wasn’t even one in the works.

What we did get to see was a drama that followed a group of friend, with poor acting skills, as they go from graduation all the way to their twentieth high school reunion where one of them got killed. Well or until almost their ten year reunion thanks to an untimely reunion. But even with the poor acting from most of the leads and some really predictable storylines (except for maybe the dude in the wheelchair but who didn't see him cheating with his secretary), the show was still addictive. And this may be due to the supporting cast. Even though some only appeared in a few episode characters like the Prison Buddy, the French Chick, the Abusive Boyfriend and his Wife, the Dead Soldier’s Sister, and of course the Obsessive Present Day Cop were all scene stealers. Even The Gay Husband was so over-the-top cheesy, he became entertaining. Plus with the retro years, they were always able to pick great songs from the era they were in.

But alas, all was for not and we will forever be left wondering who killed Sam. Even the last scene with the cop being run over with a car left us wondering. And I’m left to sue Fox to get those hours of my life back that they ruined for next finishing the story. Had it made it to the end Reunion would have had a higher Terror Alert, but thanks to Fox pulling the plug:

Reunion 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Read even more ranting about the Reunion cancelation and how evil Fox is here - Won't Get Fooled Again.

First Impressions - Flavor of Love

Even though I typically don’t set out to watch VH1’s so called Celebreality, some how I think I’ve seen every minute of Hogan Knows Best and the other shows that don’t quite qualify for guilty pleasure due to that none are exactly pleasurable unlike, say, Laguna Beach. Then again, no one who stars in these shows really qualify as a celeb. But this past Sunday saw the première of the new season of has been line-up with the third reality show for Flavor Flav in as many years. Due to my soft spot for anything Public Enemy I decided to turn into the first episode even after the disaster that was named Strange Love.

So after striking out with Brigitte Nielsen in the last show, Flav has decided to go the root of The Bachelor to pick his next love, and by next love I mean his next baby’s momma for his latest reality show, Flavor of Love. Which I believe would make four, but I think even Flav has lost count. But at least he isn't an NBA player because then four would be low. And the show is such a blatant rip off of the ABC former juggernaut, I have a feeling Flav’s next reality show for VH1 will follow the rapper and into the courtroom after impending lawsuit if finally filed.

There are a few variations that might be brought up in court. For one instead of roses, Flav hands out his trademark oversized clock necklace while telling the lucky lady “You know what time it is.” Those unfortunate women instead are ushered out while Flav lets them know “Your time is up.” Sad thing is that they probably paid some marketing firm massive amount of dollars to come up with those taglines. As for the other variation, um, well, I really can’t remember any. Well except where The Bachelor recruits remotely classy woman who may just be three shots and a free t-shirt away from appearing on Girls Gone Wild, the woman on Flavor of Love look like small town strippers who think that guys find massive tattoos, knife wounds, and stretch marks sexy. If there could be anything that resembles entertainment on the show, it may be seeing how each girl try to out slut the others.

Verdict: Pass, although I bet just like the past Celebreality shows, I will end up seeing every second eventually because VH1 will show it again and again. If fact I think I’ve seen the show five times since Sunday.

Best of 2005

Since 1996 I have made a CD of my favorite music from the past year and here is the CD I have made from this past year but I like to put songs in reverse order as so they are counting down to the best song. This CD clocks in at 77:06.


1. Love Love Love - Tristan Prettyman
2. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
3. Fix You – Coldplay
4. You and Me – Lifehouse
5. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield
6. Doesn't Remind Me – Audioslave
7. Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run
8. Breakdown - Jack Johnson
9. Diamonds From Sierra Leone - Kanye West
10. Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley
11. Telescope Eyes – Eisley
12. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
13. Ordinary People - John Legend
14. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
15. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
16. Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own - U2
17. Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick
18. Gold Digger - Kanye West & Jamie Foxx
19. Landed - Ben Folds


To see how Landed stacks up to past #1's, here are a list of those from years past:

1996: No Diggity – Blackstreet & Dr. Dre
1997: Foolish Games – Jewel
1998: One Week – Barenaked Ladies
1999: Genie in a Bottle - Christina Aguilera
2000: Maria, Maria – Santana & the Product G&B
2001: Everywhere – Michelle Branch
2002: Fell in Love with a Girl – The White Stripes
2003: The Seed (2.0) – The Roots & Cody ChessnuTT
2004: All Falls Down – Kanye West
2005: Landed – Ben Folds


As for the artist that made the most impact in the last year here are the ones that showed up most on my Best of lists (for those lists, click on the Best of 2005 label):

1. Kanye West (Best Songs – 2, 11, 32, 39, 79; Best Albums – 2; Best Videos – 2, 9, 16, 28) - It looked like Kanye this year was the ultimate bridesmaid with the runner up position on all but one of my lists. But he did have the unofficial best quote of the year if that is any consolation.
2. The Killer (Best Songs – 5, 21; Best Albums – 14; Best Videos – 4, 8; Best Mash-Ups – 10, 21) - This band really grew on me this year with their blend of catch hooks, inane lyrics, and of course a video with Eric Roberts and a Kate Bosworth look-a-like.
3. U2 (Best Songs – 2, 50, 57, 60; Best Videos – 10, 20) – They may have been a little more higher had How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb had been eligible this year, but unlike the Grammy’s, my year actually runs from January to December. But the album would have definitely been high on my Best Albums list if it were.
4. Dave Matthews Band – (Best Songs – 35, 46; Best Albums – 5; Best Videos – 17, 27; Best Mash-Ups – 13) – A band so great I dedicated a whole week to when Stand Up was released and they didn’t disappoint.
5. Kelly Clarkson (Best Songs – 6, 26; Best Mash-Ups – 2, 4, 12; Best Videos – 21) – Had anyone said that Clarkson would be near the top of any list let alone Best Artist a year ago, I tell them they were crazy. But thanks to some amazingly entertaining mash-ups, the karaoke queen rightfully deserves to be on this list. And the mash-ups just keep on coming as I just heard another one, Since U Been in Centerfield - Kelly Clarkson vs. John Fogerty.

Doing the Bull Dance, Feeling the Flow

When I first was brainstorming for a name for this blog, the most logical choice was a nickname that a college buddy gave me back in the day, Scooter McGavin. Now I have hated the nickname Scooter for the longest time but since this name was a take on a character from one of our favorite movies, Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, I actually didn’t hate this moniker. Taking my love of the movie one step further, I added an obscure reference to make the blog’s name more unique with the 9th Green referring to where Shooter sent Happy on his first day on tour and ended with Happy getting soaked by the sprinklers.

Due to my unofficial 10 year waiting period for inductions into the Scooter Hall of Fame, Happy Gilmore hasn’t been eligible until now since the movie was released back in 1996, but if there were ever a first ballot inductee, it is this movie. (Granted 1996 was a great year for entertainment which I will go deeper into later this month including a Best of 1996 Lyrics Quiz on the 15th, so look out, and study up, for that). I still remember seeing the trailer to the movie for the first time with the classic line “The price is wrong, Bob” (of course they changed the line in the movie, which was much more funnier) followed by Happy punching the ancient Bob Barker. From that I knew I had to I would be in line I had to see the movie. The full page ad from the newspaper quickly made it up on my wall and was later replaced by the official movie poster that I got for Christmas that year.

And when I finally saw he movie, it didn’t disappoint. Adam Sandler was at his best as the failed hockey player turned reluctant golfer. Julie Bowen, in her first prominent role before becoming Carol Vessey on the brilliant Ed and more recently guest shots on Lost as Jack's (possibly) ex-wife, was solid as the love interest that helps Happy compete. Then there is my namesake Shooter McGavin as portrayed by the always reliable Christopher McDonald who plays the corny joke spewing adversary of Happy perfectly. Even all the bit players were on point the most memorable being Donald, the dude who Shooter paid to annoy Happy that led to the Bob Barker beating. It was because of him that “jackass” became the most used term of endearment, so to speak, among my college buddies. On top of all that there were great cameos from Ben Stiller, Kevin Nealon, and Lee Travino.

Rarely do long stretches of time go by without me quoting the movie or emulating a scene. Since I’ve seen the movie, there hasn’t been a time when with a female when Endless Love comes on I haven’t turned to her and say, “Friends can hold hands while listening to Endless Love in the dark.” Sadly, though, I have yet to master the running drive. Maybe one day.