I Got the Shakes That'll Make You Quake

I have to start off this review by saying that I have never seen the 1974 original with Burt Reynolds, who also shows up in the update as the inmates coach, so I can’t compare the two movies. This could be a good thing because most reviews I read always stated how much the first one was better. Granted I can still compare this version to the other Adam Sandler football movie, The Waterboy. It’s odd that no one complained about Sandler playing a linebacker in that movie yet everyone jumped on him for trying to be a quarterback. And he was a washed up one to boot so I really didn’t have a problem with it.

Of course the movie is about the washed up QB in prison but how he gets there is great with cameos by Courtney Cox’s newly enormous breasts and Dan Patrick, who apparently didn’t get the memo that the movie would be set in present day as he instead chose to go with the 70’s gay porn mustache with a dash of the Village People. But from there Sandler is shipped off to a Texan prison where the warden pulled some strings in hope that he would help out with the prison guard’s football team. And what would be better practice for the guards than a little warm up game against a team of inmates.

Even though most of the inmates and guards are played by former football player, pro wrestlers and other non-actors, most of the characters are so well written, it makes up for any lack of acting experience. Ultimate Fighter Bob Sapp is great as the mentally slow Switowski, Michael Irvin in a role before he started holding onto his buddies narcotics plays a con who still doesn’t trust Sandler after selling out his teammates in the NFL, and the giant Dalip Singh English was so bad they had to subtitle everything. As for the guards, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brian Bosworth, who was always a better actor than football player, but that isn’t saying much, and Bill Romanowski all play their tough guys well but I bet Romo was mad that Stone Cold got to utter the racial slurs and not him. But the standout of the guard is Kevin Nash who even though goes into every cliché conceived is hilarious after the inmates replaced his steroids with estrogen.

But not all the characters are well flashed out. It’s hard to relate to Nelly talking how poor his character is when he has a couple gold teeth and Goldberg one running gag that his, um, chariot swings low, so to speak, gets old before it starts. The cast is filled out with more traditional actors with Chris Rock channeling Morgan Freeman as Caretaker, Terry Crews, who has gone on to play Rock’s dad on Everybody Hates Chris, is hilarious as the cheeseburger dude, as is Nicolas Turturro as the early recruit who is quickly benched as more black inmates show up.

The Longest Yard gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.