We on Award Tour - 2005 Billboard Awards

Much like the America Music Awards, I have avoided the Billboard Awards because typically not many people show up for fear that they may be overlooked when it came to filling up a performance slot at the Grammys (bbe sure to check back tomorrow for my Grammy nomination special). But even though it conflicted with the number one show on my Best New Shows of Fall 2005 list, My Name Is Earl, I watch the Billboard Awards for one reason, Carrie Underwood. Since giving her album a mediocre review (see Oh There’s Nothing Like Oklahoma) she has grown on me more and more to the point now where I am completely smitten with her and have even changed my stance on Jesus Take the Wheel that I originally found slightly cheesy to the point where I actually enjoy the song. Here are some more observations from last night:

- The show starts off, much like the Video Music Awards, with Green Day. And I’ll just come out and say it; I’m extremely tired with Green Day. Yeah Boulevard of Broken Dreams a good song but the totally done with American Idiot as a whole. Let’s face it; if Kerry won last year, the album wouldn’t have been heralded as it is. Only Michael Moore and Halliburton have made more money off of Bush’s reelection. And what was up with the crutch?

- At the beginning of the show they hyped a performance that everyone was talking about. Okay, everyone apparently except me. Throughout the show they kept on hyping it, but I will save that for later so you are all as let down as I was watching.

- Nothing says, “You’re in for a long night” better than having LL Cool J as host. At least he didn’t try a monologue.

- Lover and Friends by Lil’ John wins Rap Track of the Year. Not bad considering last night was the first time I ever heard it. And I find it extremely disturbing to know I have the exact argyle sweater vest as Lil’ John.

- Always a solid source of entertainment, the Blue Man Group do a cool bit with Jessica Alba, three TV screens, and a Wookie playing a guitar.

- Gwen Stefani wins New Artist of the Year. Did I miss something and warp back to 1996?

- The black Britney Spears strikes again with Ciara doing her best Janet Jackson impression circa the Rhythm Nation era, well, sans the talent. Does she only have a one note vocal range?

- You know you are short presenters why you have to bring on the Hogan’s. You know VH1 only had them at their awards show to promote their show, but for Billboard to have them is just sad.

- Chingy and Larry the Cable Guy come out to battle to see who has the more annoying accent. I think Chingy wins by an "errrr."

- One of the reasons why I hate country music, son titles like Get Drunk and Be Somebody as performed by Toby Keith. Luckily the Barenaked Ladies were on The Tube.

- Next up is a performance by Pretty Ricky. Should I know who Pretty Ricky is? And why is there five of them? They for some reason do a duet with Ashlee Simpson where one of the members, presumably Ricky, says of Ashlee, “She’s not a gold digger but she’s not looking for a broke, broke,” while Ashlee does the patented Kanye head nod. That was extremely disturbing, I really hope Mr. West sues them all.

- And needless to say, Ashlee should really go back to lip-syncing. Also it looks like five years after heroin chic went out of style, Ashlee looks like she trying to start a Meth-addict chic phase. Someone please buy her a hairbrush and force her into a shower before she starts hanging out with Kate Moss.

- 50 Cent accepted his award in France. Insert gay Paris joke here.

- Did Gwen Stefani really rip-off Biggie’s Big Poppa - Ready to Die - The Remaster? There should be laws against that.

- To add some credibility to the ceremony, Tom Petty, for some reason without the Heartbreakers, gets the Century Award. Nice touch when he mocks those who care more about their bling.

- Sadly R. Kelly doesn’t do another chapter of Trapped in the Closet. Instead he’s out at the MGM pool with enough breasts and butt shots that I though they brought back Club MTV.

- I had some hate mail when I had some negative comment for Reggeaton back during my VMA recap, and Daddy Yankee didn’t do anything to change my opinion of the genre. For some reasaon his performance was censored even though I couldn't tell a word he said.

- Next was Carrie Underwood singing Some Hearts. I think I’ll keep my comments to a minimum to avoid a restraining order.

- Kanye West wins the Artist of the Year. Wait a minute, didn’t LL Cool J tell 50 Cent he won the award earlier. Did I miss something again? Was there a tie?

- Oddest intro – playing Gang Starr’s Mass Appeal while Velvet Revolver made their entrance with Jamie Pressly. Of course that stupidity will make sense when you learn who the DJ was.

- Mariah Carey waddles from the back to accept another award. Of course she couldn’t sit in the crowd because that dress wouldn’t bend. Someone should really tell her that she should stop wearing form fitting dresses or do some more sit-ups because she no longer has the body to pull off the slutty look.

- And the big surprise performance turned out to be… Wait for it… Wait for it… Another performance from R. Kelly. So the big surprise performance was from a guy already scheduled to perform? After doing research the special performance that “all the blogs were talking about,” as the promo stated, was actually was supposed to be Kevin Federline. But luckily we were spared. Apparently having Nicole Ritchie’s fiancé as DJ filled the talent less husband quota.

- But R. Kelly ended up performing an all-star charity single that apparently just featured Kelly himself and a choir of about a thousand titled Let Your Light Shine. In fact the song in iTunes credits the artist as R. Kelly & R. Kelly. Although I thought I saw Ryan Cabrara’s hair, so maybe it was an all-star choir, it’s just that they didn’t do any close ups of anyone else. The song itself was actually good and Kelly’s best song, aside from Trapped in the Closet, in about five years. So go ahead and buy it, the money goes to charity. But I'm not sure if the charity is for the Gulf Relief or R. Kelly's legal fund though.