The 10 Greatest Hate-Watching Television Shows of the Past Decade

Hate Watching seems to be a new phenomenon. I do not remember a show in my youth that I really hated watching (granted younger people are easier to amuse). I am sure the first question is why do you watch television shows you hate? The answer is quite simple, I really like complaining, I like it almost as much as I do watching great show (and let’s face it, it is a lot easier to find shows to hate watch than great shows). Plus I am a completist. If I watch a second episode I will be watching the show until the series finales. I can count the number of shows I quit from the past decade in the middle of it run on my hands. So in honor of The Killing returning this Sunday, here are the 10 Greatest Hate Watching

1. Lost
How Far Did I Get Through? Watched every 121 episode as well as all fourteen recap specials.
When Did it Go Bad? The first season finale.

Not only is this number one on the list, Lost for all intents and purposes invented hate watching. The first season was really good, it built this mysterious island, filled it interesting characters; there were intriguing flashbacks where people would randomly run into each other. And then the extremely three hour season finale came and nothing happened and everyone realized that the writers were making it all up as they went along. The characters spend the entire back half the season trying to open the hatch, and when they finally did… fade to black, see you next summer. I never truly enjoyed the show after that but had to stick around to see what everything meant. As it turned out, it meant nothing. If I could, I would sue the show to get six years of my life back.

2. The Killing
How Far Did I Get Through? Watched the first two seasons, have no intentions to watch the third (though ask me Monday to see if I could stay away)
When Did it Go Bad? After they spent four episodes with the teacher as the main suspect only for him to be cleared and were back at square one with no leads.

Prior to The Killing AMC billed itself as the “Place Where Stories Matter” they were racking up awards with the well received (and overly pretentious) shows Mad Men and Breaking Bad, so anticipation was high and The Killing lived up to it. But as each episode passed, everyone started to realize maybe it was not the best idea to stretch out an episode of Law and Order for an entire season. But at least we could rest in the solace that we would learn who killed Rosie Larson in the season finale. So the finale rolls around, Linden catches the city councilman and it is finally over. Except then you look at your clock and wonder why there is still five minutes left. Oh wait, evidence was faked, the mayor did not do it, come back for season two to find out who killed Rosie. What the frack! So I had to sit through another horrible season that somehow managed to be worse than the first only to find out who did it and the reasoning was extremely lame. If I start to watch the third season, please someone kill me. You can even have my aunt knowingly push a random car into a lake with me in the trunk.

3. Heroes
How Far Did I Get Through? Once they killed off Kristen Bell, I was out. Heroes was one of only three times I stopped watching a series mid-season (Jericho season one and Supernatural season two are the other ones).
When Did It Go Bad? Some would argue that the show went downhill in its second season; I would argue it never was any good.

Really, the only good episode in the series was the one written by Bryan Fuller (can you image how much better the show would have been had Fuller created it). The storylines were lame, the acting was worse, and the Big Bad was laughably bad. Even worse, Kristen Bell, fresh off the great Veronica Mars, got stuck slumming it with some horrible actor is an extremely silly plotline. I actually cheered when she was killed off because that meant I had a reason to stop watching and it freed Bell to move unto something better, which she did not because all she did afterwards was a string of cheesy chick flicks. (As rumor have it, Bell was offered the role of Charlotte on Lost at the same time but choose Heroes because she had just spent a couple months in Hawaii, where Lost set up camp, filming Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

4. Survivor: Redemption Island
How Far Did I Get Through? Begrudgingly watched every episode, and every episode since.
When Did It Go Bad? The moment they cast Boston Rob and Russell Hantz.

There have been some bad seasons of Survivor but I never thought we would ever see one as bad as the season the porn star won. Then they announced Redemption Island which was curse from the start. Again Survivor has introduced some stupid twists, but Redemption Island was the worse. And it turned out to be a failure. Every person voted out would not actually leave the game but instead be exiled to Redemption Island where they could fight their way back into the game. Except in the two seasons that used Redemption Island, all four contestants reintroduced into the game were promptly voted off again. And if the cheesy gimmick was not enough, the show reintroduced my two least favorite returning players ever, Boston Rob and Russell. Thankfully Russell’s tribe was smart enough to dump him first but Rob stuck it out to the end and his airtight alliance with some of the dumbest people ever to play the game made the post merge episode painful to sit through because nothing happened. On the bright side, the season did give us Andrea, the Hottest Token Hot Chick in the History of Survivor.

5. How I Met Your Mother
How Far Did I Get Through? Have watched every episode so far and with only one season left will undoubtedly make it through all ten seasons.
When Did it Go Bad? It really was a slow decline but if I had to pick one singular moment, I was always disappointed when Victoria left the show for the first time, I was always hoping she would turn out to be the titular character.

This show is on the list simply because it has ran way too long especially considering its concept. Ted has been telling the story of how he met their mother for nine years now and we just met her during the most recent season finale. Keep in mind, just the audience met the mother, Ted has not even met her yet. Who sits through a story that long? Apparently I do.

6. Smallville
How Far Did I Get Through? When Lana Lang left, so did I.
When Did It Go Bad? Seriously, you do not let the Token Hot Chick leave.

Much like the previous selection, the show just went on about twice as long as it should have been. The show started out as a high school show and the series with Clark out of high school ended up bring more than two times longer than he was taking classes.

7. The Walking Dead
How Far Did I Get Through? Watched every episode so far (including a couple episodes of Talking Dead) and will continue to do so).
When Did It Go Bad? Even though the first season was slow, the farm sucked massively.
This probably should be higher on the list because it is worse than many of those shows, but as long as I get to see one zombie die violently per episode, I do get some enjoyment out of the show.

8. The Real World
How Far Did I Get Through? Las Vegas was the tipping point for me.
When Did It Go Bad? Vegas was just too trashy for me.

The Real World started out as great voyeurism that touched subject matter than even scripted television shows would not touch. I met my first gay homosexual (Norman), first HIV infected person (Pedro), first hot lesbian (Genesis), and the first person to ever wire their mouth shut to lose weight (Tami). Then in Chicago, the producers put camera in the bedroom where we watched Cara have sex live on camera with some random dude (and this is after a groupie hook up with who my sources tell me was Big Head Todd of the Monsters fame). Care then opened up the floodgates for Las Vegas which was like Sodom and Gomorrah: the Reality Show thanks to Trishelle. At the same time, MTV launched The Challenge where I still got my Real World fix.

9. Political Shows
How Far Did Get Through? 24 hour news remains my go to when avoiding commercials.
When Did it Go Bad? Probably when Fox News went hard right and MSNBC tried to be the counterpoint by going hard left.

As a political junkie, I cannot not watch the talking heads on the twenty-four news networks (with the exception of Rachel Maddow and Sean Hannity, you have to draw the line somewhere) even if they have gotten deeply partisan over the years. You have conservatives complain that MSNBC treats the president with kid gloves while tingles ride up their legs while Fox News rails against the mainstream media even though they are the most watched cable news station, it does not get much more mainstream than that. At least W. Kamau Bell has the common courtesy to call his show Totally Biased. And it looks to only get more partisan in the upcoming months when One America News launches which is being sold as a new station for people who think Fox News is too liberal. Great. It is a shame the most balanced news show on cable is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

10. Once Upon a Time
How Far Did Get through? Have watched every episode not including the recap specials) and will probably continue to watch next season along with the presumably just as bad Once Upon a Time: Wonderland spin-off next season too.
When Did it Go Bad? With the introduction of magic in the first season finale.

Considering what is number one on this list, I probably should have avoided anything “from the writers of Lost” like the plague, but like Lost, the set up was too interesting to pass up. And hopefully the writers from Lost would learn from their mistakes. They did not, there are still plot holes so big you can sail the Jolly Rodger through it. And though the writers deserve to have plenty of poetic license, they go too far like ruining Neverland and what moron decided to cast an Abercrombie model as Captain Hook or even include Dr. Frankenstein at all? Much like Heroes, it is hard not to wonder how much better this show would be if it were being run by Bryan Fuller. But if the show were created by Bryan Fuller, it would have been canceled already. With that said, I will probably not only still watch next season but will probably watch the Wonderland spin-off.

I Want My Music Television: 5/26/13

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


I Could’ve Been Your Girl – She and Him


I was less than impressed with the third She and Him album, but at least they created an entertaining music video even if it is very reminiscent of the Saturday Night Live French café dance sequence skit which I a pretty sure Zooey Deshanel was in once (are I am just assuming she hosted around that time because of Abby Elliot’s Zooey impression).


Love Somebody – Maroon 5


This looks like the type of video that some weird alternative band would have made that only got played during 120 Minutes during the nineties not something a boring pop band like Maroon 5 has become would release.


Red Hands – Walk Off the Earth


We have seen plenty of one take videos in the history of the medium, but this is the first one I can think of where the video was show out of order in one take and then edited in order post production. To see the Walk Off the Earth video without the edits, check out the Unedited Version of the video.


Fixurlifeup – 3rdeyegirl featuring Prince


What is Prince doing being “featured” in this video? Everyone knows this is a Prince song and 3rdeyegirl is the backing band. Maybe he knows that this garage band version just does not stack up with his previous catalogue and using the backing band to already distance himself from it.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 5/25/13

Quote of the Week: She said she knew you. I asked her everything I know, and she had an answer for everything. And then I realized I don’t know anything about you. (Sally Draper, Mad Men)

Song of the Week: Nothing In This World Will Ever Break My Heart Again – Hayden Panettiere (Nashville)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Tornados in Oklahoma: If you want to help the relief efforts for the tornado victims in Oklahoma, you can text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 instantly, or donate on the Red Cross site, right here.


Mad Men: What the frack just happen? I knew were were in for a wild ride after the opening with Ken Cosgrove and some distractingly bad camera work in the car. What I was not expecting was another drug trip, this time with the whole office (oddly, Roger went M.I.A. after going into the doctor’s “office” to get his shot; I guess after dropping LSD, some “vitamins” just do not have much of an effect). We also get our second whore house flashback because apparently Don / Dick was have some minor medical issues back then too, though much like the previous flashback, I could have done without it. And just when you thought the episode could not get any trippier, Don’s “grandmother” shows up to rob him blind. Alrighty. At least we got to hear Bobby say, “Are we Negros?” Who knew Bobby could be entertaining? I think he has had more lines in the past three episodes than all the previous ones before.
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

Grimm: You would think after that one dude spit in his face that made him go blind, Nick would be very weary of vessin that spray stuff on their victims. Oh well. I knew something was going to happen to him after he gave his key to Rosalie earlier in the episode. But now that the season is over, I have to look aback and see just how slow this season went by. Juliet lost all memory of Nick at the start and took her all season to regain that memory. Then you had Adalind who spent almost all the season in Romania and even though she got knocked up early in the season still is not showing at all. Hopefully season three moves a little faster.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Grimm on iTunes.

Nashville: If only the whole season was as good as the finale two episodes: murder suicide, Maddie learns of her paternity while her two dads get in a fistfight (or would have if one was not too drunk to land a good punch), a sex tape, an engagement, a family feud, a surprise pregnancy (or so Peggy says, he could be lying and maybe Teddy is not even the father which of course would be ironic), and an epic car crash. Granted I really doubt either Deacon or Rayna will be fatally injured in the accident. And it looks like next season will be a reversal of the beginning of the series where Gunner gets jealous of the time Scarlett. Hopefully the second season moves at the pace of the final two episodes.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Nashville on iTunes.

Hannibal: I have longed for a reboot of My Two Dads, but I never thought I would get one with the fathers being Hannibal Leckter and Will Graham with Abigail Hobbs playing the daughter. Maybe if this show does not get picked up, they can repurpose the show as a comedy next season.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.


Free Download of the Week: Boy – Emma Louise (iTunes)

Deal of the Week: Up to 64% Off HBO Complete Series: Rome, Deadwood, Big Love

New Album Release of the Week: Currents - Eisley

New DVD Release of the Week: Longmire: The Complete First Season

Video of the Week: Just early this week I was talking about the lack of General Zod in the Man of Steel trailers (see the 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2013) and wouldn’t you know it, hours after I posted that we get a very Zod-centric trailer. Well at least we get to hear him, the glimpses of Michael Shannon add up to about five seconds. But still, consider me placated.


Next Week Pick of the Week: Veronica Mars, All Day Memorial Day, SOAPnet: Memorial Day is Monday which means cookouts and fireworks, or for those of you that hate to go outside, all day marathons on various cable channels. On SOAPnet, starting at 10:00 AM, they will be airing the first nine episodes of Veronica Mars, just days before they start filming the movie. In the first nine episodes you will get to see guest stars like Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty), Harry Hamlin (Mad Men), Melissa Leo (Oblivion), Jane Lynch (Party Down), Paula Marshall (Gary Unmarried), Lisa Rinna (The Celebrity Apprentice) and Amanda Seyfried (Les Miserables), and, um, Paris Hilton (Paris Hilton’s My New BFF). I was actually thinking of starting my Veronica Mars re-watch this weekend, but luckily I have all the DVD’s so I can watch without the commercials, but for those that missed the show, these first nine episodes are a good primer which will get you ready for the movie and your eventual purchase of all three seasons on DVD.

Around the Tubes: 5/24/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on The Killing, Sullivan and Son, Web Therapy, Mel Brooks, Charlie Rose Weekend, Baby Daddy, Spell-Mageddon, The Doors: Mr. Mojo Risin’ - The Story of L.A. Woman, Loren Benjamin, Baby Mama’s Club, Nailbiter, and The Ultimate Guide to the Presidents.

- It may rain all the time on the show, but for those that would still like to visit the set of The Killing now you have the chance to do just that. For only $10 you can enter to fly to Vancouver for a set visit while they are filming an episode of the AMC show with fight and hotel included while every entry can help UNICEF save and improve children’s lives around the world. Head over to Omaze to learn more and enter.

- The second season of Sullivan and Son returns to TBS June 13 for a second season and they will even be returning with a new bar anthem, take a listen below:

- Season three of the Showtime web-to-television comedy series Web Therapy will premiere on Tuesday, July 23 11on Showtime. This season, the guest stars will include Steve Carell, Billy Crystal, Chelsea Handler, Matt LeBlanc, Meg Ryan, Megan Mullally, and Sara Gilbert.

- Martin Scorsese will present Mel Brooks with the American Film Institute’s 41st Life Achievement Award – America’s highest honor for a career in film. The private black tie gala will be held at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood on June 6 and will air on TNT Saturday, June 15, at 9:00 and as part of an all-night tribute to Brooks on Turner Classic Movies (TCM) Sunday, July 24, at 8:00. Brooks will be recognized for his range of mastery as a director, producer, writer, actor and composer.

- PBS this week announced Charlie Rose Weekend (w/t), a new 30-minute series hosted by acclaimed journalist Charlie Rose, to air at 8:30 p.m. on PBS stations nationwide on Fridays. The show will launch in July 2013. Charlie Rose Weekend will feature the iconic television anchor’s focus on the events and conversations shaping the week and the week ahead. Drawing on conversations from his nightly PBS program and new insightful perspectives from around the world, it will capture the defining moments in politics, science, business, culture, media and sports in a fresh, engaged, and smart presentation.

- Baby Daddy cast members Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Derek Theler, Tahj Mowry, Melissa Peterman and Chelsea Kane will participate in a live chat via Twitter during the East Coast feed of the series’ second season premiere on ABC Family, Wednesday May 29 at 8:30 on ABC Family. In the Baby Daddy Premiere Night Tweet-Off, moderated by special guest Greg Grunberg, who will guest star this season as Ray, Ben and Danny’s father, the cast will compete for new Twitter followers. The actor who scores the most new followers within the half-hour period wins, and the losers will be subjected to a hilarious to-be-determined humiliation.

- In conjunction with poet and youth arts advocate Azure Antoinette, ABC Family is asking millennials to submit original videos and written works that best illustrate their sense of self-identity. Already a viewing destination for the millennial generation, the network is strengthening its relationship with its audience by providing a unique outlet for them to express themselves and share the beliefs, dreams and goals that define them. People will be able to vote for their favorite story by “liking” it on abcfamily.com and the top two winners will each be awarded a $10,000 cash prize. youshouldknow.abcfamily.com is an interactive online contest where ABC Family gives you a platform to tell your story. They want to hear from fans the honest truth behind who you are, what you believe, and what inspires you daily. Tell them what we should know about you.

- Maybe the most entertaining challenge ever in the history of MTV’s The Challenge is when they bust out a selling bee. Now ABC Family has taken that idea and created Spell-Mageddon “where contestants take on hilarious distractions while spelling increasingly challenging words.” Spell-Mageddon premieres Wednesday, July 24 at 9:00.

- Commemorating the passing of music legend Ray Manzarek, keyboardist for The Doors, Smithsonian Channel will air encore presentations of The Doors: Mr. Mojo Risin’ - The Story of L.A. Woman throughout the next week. One of the most influential rock bands of the 1960s, the Los Angeles group The Doors personified the turbulent era in America at the time with its raw form of rhythm-and-blues-inspired rock and its charismatic, poetic and unpredictable front man Jim Morrison. The Doors: Mr. Mojo Risin’ - The Story of L.A. Woman will air on, Sunday, May 26 at 10pm and 1am, Tuesday, May 28 at 9pm and 12am. - Loren Benjamin's main musical influences range from The Beatles to Elton John, which are evident in his classic rock ‘n’ roll songs. Songwriting Magazine says about Loren, “Fans of the piano-driven pop of Keane and Billy Joel should check out this emerging 23-year old singer-songwriter from Brooklyn.” You can download his debut album for free on NoiseTrade (of course you are welcome to leave a tip too).

- New to DVD next week include comedy Baby Mama’s Club, the critically acclaimed film Nailbiter and the History mini-series The Ultimate Guide to the Presidents.

Feed Your iPod LXXI: Sometimes I Wonder

Earlier this week Darius Rucker released his third solo country album. Yawn. Wake me up when he finally gets back together with Hootie and the Blowfish. True Believers is actually his fourth solo album overall as his first foray into non-pop rock of Hootie was actually a pure RnB record (which actually featured the first time the world ever got to hear Snoop Dogg sing; after hearing his reggae album, sadly it was not the last). The best song on the album was a duet with Jill Scott. Unfortunately Back to Then is an album time forgot (it was better than an Hootie album they put out since) but Sometimes I Wonder does deserve to live on.

Sometimes I Wonder – Darius Rucker featuring Jill Scott

The 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2013-14

Yesterday I created ten fake movie remakes (see 10 Remakes I would Pay to See) and today I come back to reality with ten movies that I will actually get to see over the next year or so.

10. Inttersteller (November 7 2013) – Not much is known about this movie based on a treatment from theoretical physicist Kip Thorne, something about wormholes, maybe, but it will be directed by Christopher Nolan who will team up with The Dark Knight Rises collaborators Anne Hathaway and Michael Caine along with Jessica Chastain and Matthew McConaughey. There is a good chance this will be much higher, if not number one by the time I do my next Most Anticipated Movies list.

9. The Wolf of Wall Street (November 15): Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio team up for the fifth time and considering the previous ones include Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed, and Shudder Island, this should be another good one. And that is before you add in the co-stars Kyle Chandler, Johan Hill, Matthew McConaughey, Jon Favreau, along with Margot Robbie who was last seen filling out a Pan-Am uniform very well.

8. Now You See Me (May 31) – I am always done for a good magic movie, and though this may not be as good as Christopher Nolan’s The Prestige, the trailer makes it look really good with the magician robbing a bank thousands of miles ago in front of a studio audience. Bonus points for reteaming Zombieland’s Jessie Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson.

7. Man of Steel (June 14) – I am still tepidly optimistic for the latest Superman movie. None of the trailer have given me goosebumps yet, but then none of them really give us much of a glimpse of Michael Shannon as General Zod, and lets face it, superhero movies are only as good as their antagonists and very people do creepy scary like Shannon does.

6. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (October 11) – The first Sin City was a visual masterpiece and Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller have teamed up again for the sequil that will see Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Jamie King, Powers Boothe, Mickey Rourke, and Bruce Green reprising their roles with Eva Green, Josh Brolin, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt adding new flavors to four shorts that will comprise the movie. If this is good as the first, hopefully we will not have to wait another eight years for a third installment.

5. Thor: The Dark World (November 8) – Phase 2 of The Avenger’s saga kicked off earlier this month with the third Iron film but for me, of the four precursors to the second Avenger’s film, I am most looking forward to the net Thor movie (Captain America: The Winter Soldier arrives April 4, 2014 while the new kids on the block Guardians of the Galaxy featuring a gun toting raccoon and a talking tree debuts in August of next year). The original was my favorite solo film and Natalie Portman (along with sidekick Kat Dennings) is back along with Loki, who Thor actually calls on for help in the trailer. This should be interesting.


4. This Is the End (June 14) – This may very well be one of those comedies where all the funny bits are in the trailer, but then again, this trailer has more laughs in it than most comedies. And the Apatow family tree rarely disappoints. And speaking of the Apatow family tree, basically everyone associated with him appears in the movie, it is brimming with so many collaborators, most of them do not even make it out of the trailer alive: Aniz Ansari, Jason Segal, David Krumholz, Michael Cera: dead, dead, dead, and dead. And with everyone dead, they will need someone to replace those friends, and so Emma Watson enters with an ax. Awesome. There is no way this ends badly, at least for the viewers.


3. Kick-(Expletive Deleted) 2 (August 14) – Hit-Girl was one of the most memorable characters of the past decade and sure a fifteen year old girl may not be as entertaining as a twelve year old with a mouth of a sailor, but the sequel looks just as fun as the hero formerly known as Red Mist build an army of supervillains to combat Hit-Girl and her ever-growing posse of superheroes which includes Jim Carey doing his best Marry Hamlin impression.


2. The World’s End (July 19) – Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost kicked off the zombie crazy with Shaun of the Dead, lampooned the police with Hot Fuzz, and will end their trilogy with aliens with what will probably be the greatest drinking movie ever in the history of time.


1. Veronica Mars (Early 2014) – Rob Thomas almost destroyed the internet when he created a Kickstarter campaign for the prematurely canceled Veronica Mars. A month later it broke the record for fastest to $1 million dollars (four hours), $2 million (11 hours), most backers ever (by over four thousand), and was the highest funded film on the sight (it more than doubled Zach Braff’s film that was launched after Veronica Mars) and was third overall. Filming starts next month, and as of now only Kristen Bell and her on screen father Enrico Colantoni are officially signed on (along with the waiter who got his role through Kickstarter) but you can expect Logan, Dick, Wallace, Mac, Weevil and surprisingly Rob said there is also parts in the outline for Piz and Parker will not be far behind (here are ten other Neptune residents I hope pop up in the movie). Even though the show has been off the air for six years, if the movie is half as entertaining as the Kickstarter video, it should be thoroughly entertaining.

10 Remakes I Would Pay to See

It was announced this week that Warner Bros. was moving forward with its reboot of Gremlins which was met by everyone over thirty with a resounding, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Now I do not have a blind hatred of remakes but you have to be weary of them because it is clear that the movie executives put no thought into these movies other than, “people love the original so we can con people into watching a newer version even if it sucks.” So they usually spend their entire budget on acquiring on the rights to the original subject and put little time and effort into the writing, directing, or the casting which is how the Footloose remake ended up with a lead that had about a tenth of the charisma that Kevin Bacon had. Or they take what was great in the first film and replace it with something lame like changing the tractor duel to a bus derby duel (to be fair, Julianne Hough was an upgrade over Lori Singer). I have just resigned to the fact that the Gremlins reboot will be in CGI when the charm of the original was they looked like something you could have gotten down at Toy’s R Us. And this is why the Star Wars prequels did not work, why you CGI everything to death you take the heart out of the story.

What movie executives do not realize, if they actually take known properties that people love and give them to directors who know what they are doing and cast it with actors people know and actually like, they could make a lot more money. Just look at what Christopher Nolan did for the Batman franchise or Sam Mendes with James Bond. Now I really am not much of a behind the scenes but I do spend way too much time thinking up fake movie casting. Yeah, a Gremlins remake may sound horrible at face value, but how about a Gremlins reboot starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Phoebe Cates, Adam Brody as Zach Galligan, and Mr. Wu from Deadwood as the creepy Asian dude? I’d watch that. And maybe even enjoy it if they opt for animatronics over CGI (get Guillermo del Toro to direct or produce and he will definitely avoid CGI).

Periodically I come up with fake movie casting and share them on Facebook, unfortunately this has not led to some studio hiring to head me for their Reboot Department (even though they have taken my advice when it came to casting Tyra Collette as Wonder Woman, Lyla Garrity in the Charlie’s Angels reboot, and hiring Sara Bareilles as a judge on The Sing-Off). So I thought I would round up a list of my favorite fake remakes for you. And for any movie studios out there, I have many more ideas and I am still available to head up your Reboot Department.


1. A female version of Lord of the Flies starring Loretta McCready (Justified), Arya Stark (Game of Thrones), Hit Girl (Kick-(Expletive Deleted)), Alex Dunphey (Modern Family), Sally Draper (Mad Men), and Dana Brody (Homeland). Movie executives will have to come up with a better title than Lady of the Flies on their own.

2. Against All Odds reboot staring Ryan Gosling as Jeff Bridges, Emma Stone as Rachel Ward, and Joseph Gordon Levitt as James Woods with John Mayer covering the theme song. (Honestly about ninety percent of my fake movie ideas involve Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.)


3. Three Men and a Baby reboot with Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), Steve Stifler (American Pie), and Dick Casablancas (Veronica Mars).

4. A gender bending reboot of Spies Like Us starring Kristen Bell and Alison Brie with Adele covering the Paul McCartney theme song.

5. Swimf@n reboot starring Haley Dunphey (Modern Family) as Erika Christensen, Tessa Altman (Suburgatory) as Shiri Appleby, and Jason Street (Friday Night Lights) as the boring dude.


6. The Cannonball Run reboot featuring the teams of Adam Sandler and Chris Rock, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Trya Collette and Lyla Garrity, Charles Barkley and Shaq; oh yeah, and Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds with teammate Burt Reynolds.

7. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead remake starring Ashley Benson (Pretty Little Liars) as Christina Applegate, Dylan from Modern Family as the older brother, Loretta McCready (Justified), Brick Heck (The Middle), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), and Mrs. Blankenship (Mad Men) as the dead babysitter.


8. A gender switching reboot of Weekend at Bernie's starring Emma Stone, Haley Dunphy and Kristin Wiig as Bernadette.

9. Innerspace reboot starring McLovin’ (Superbad) as Martin Short, Kristen Bell as Meg Ryan, and Ryan Gosling as Dennis Quaid.


10. Two of a Kind reboot starring Nathan Fillion as John Travolta, Hilary Duff (who would also remake Twist of Fate for the soundtrack) as Olivia Newton-John, Ernie Hudson as Ernie Hudson and Olivia Newton-John as God.

I Want My Music Videos: 5/20/13

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Brave - Sara Bareilles


Oh Sara Bareilles, I love you and all, but if being brave meas dancing like a fool in public, I would rather be a coward.


Here's to Never Growing Up - Avril Lavigne


I hate to break it to Avril Lavigne, only grown ups sing Radiohead and carry around a boom box.


Blowin' Smoke - Kacey Musgraves


Since Alice from Alice just popped up in the upcoming horrible show with Sean Hayes, I have been thinking about the show lately and I have to say I am a bit disappointed that none of the waitresses in the video said, “Kiss my gritz.” I am also slightly disappointed that McG did not direct this video, because the bridge would have been a great place for Kacey Musgraves to break out into a cheesy dance sequence.


Final Warning - Skylar Grey


And I thought the over sexualized video that Skylar Grey last made was weird, this just took it to another level. This album is going to be one schizophrenic mess, hopefully in a good way.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 5/19/13

Once Upon a Time: Well I hit the big goose egg when predicting what would happen last week. I thought that Bay would turn out to be Peter Pan and the portal he fell into would take him back to Neverland. I also thought we would not learn this until another season (or five). Instead it looks like his son Henry will turn out to be Peter Pan. And I would have never guessed that the shadowy figure behind the anti-magic collision would turn out to be an actual shadow. Mostly because that makes little sense. Wouldn’t Neverland be in the same suspended animation all the other magical realms were in during the curse? How did Owen then hook up with the Shadow?
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Once Upon a Time on iTunes.

Revenge: As confusing and boring as the sophomore season was, that was a really good season finale. First and foremost they actually killed off the annoying and useless Declan (I was hoping Charlotte would follow suit but she is pregnant, maybe she will die during childbirth). Then after an entire season of teasing, we finally learn what The Initiative is up to, sure it was silly but it sounds like we are done with them now that Conrad was elected. And now Emily can team up with Jack to take down the Grayson’s (hopefully next season starts after the phase where Jack is mad at her for lying to him). Unfortunately Aiden is still around, somehow being able to pin the bombing on Nolan instead. I did not think I would say this a week ago, but I am actually excited for season three.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Revenge on iTunes.

Mad Men: During Don's hotel escapade I kept expecting him to tell Sylvia to punch him. Which begs the question, at what point in the relationship does Don ask a woman to punch him? Or is that just reserved for call girls?
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

The Voice: After the unceremonious booting of Caroline Glaser last week, I had no desire to watch the parade of country and RnB singers America saved last week. But I needed something to fill my time in between How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, and Castle so I gave it another try (because what else could have I done: read?) and a small part of me hoped they would have a “shocking” twist and bring Caroline back. Alas it was not meant to be. Apparently The Voice Gods were not happy with her elimination either because there was some sort of air conditioning problem this week. As for what I saw, the show was still as boring as I expected. Actually worse. Seriously, two songs by Martina McBride and Michael Jackson? Where is the diversity this season? Remember when they had country and RnB singers mixed in with rocker chicks, folk dudes, an opera dude, and a weird indie chick? Now they cannot even diversify the song selection. The hour I spent in between scripted shows would have been better spent watching Caroline’s videos on her YouTube page. Here is m personal favorite from her channel.


How I Met Your Mother: Wow, we actually got to meet the mother. It was also a bit surprising that they cast some random chick instead of at the very least a Hey I Know That Chick actress like his previous girlfriends like Allison Williams, Sarah Chalke Rachel Bilson, Jennifer Morrison, and most recently Abby Elliot. Even half of his one off dates were recognizable names (Ted really liked pop singers: Mandy Moore, Katy Perry, Britney Spears). Now the question is when will Ted meet the mother. The show really likes messing with the timeline so I will not be surprised if the wedding does not actually happen in the season premiere. Maybe the entire last season will be the previous eight years of all the close run in’s Ted had with the mother culminating with the wedding in the series finale.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

Castle: Beckett will not actually turn down a great job just because Castle proposed, will she? And it is not like he cannot move to Washington.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes.

Nashville: Stupid promo monkeys. Of course Dante was going to be the one that died. Had you not told us someone would die, the death would have actually been shocking. Okay, Juliette’s mom following him to Hades was a bit shocking. And it was only a matter of time before Maddie’s paternity would come out, the only question was when and how and we finally got that this week when she found a paternity test saying the person she thought was her father is not. That should put a kink in the new Rayna / Deacon when Maddie theorizes to Deacon that she may be his daughter next week.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Nashville on iTunes.

The Big Bang Theory: So the big season finale twist is that Raj can now talk to woman without the aide of alcohol? Alrighty.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Hannibal: The show has had some creepy kills early in its run, but I am not sure they will ever be able to find a more disturbing killing than trying to play some dude’s vocal cords as a cello. Kudos Bryan Fuller.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.

Best of the Week: 5/18/13

Quote of the Week: I didn’t poison you, Tobias. I wouldn’t do that to the food. (Hannibal Leckter, Hannibal)

Song of the Week: Simple Song – The Shins (How I Met Your Mother)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Scandals, Scandals, and More Scandals: The week started as usual as the nutjob fringe in Congress trying to repeal Obamacare for the thirty-seventh time and held even more hearing on Benghazi even though I was under the impression the discussion ended when Obama embarrass Romney in the debates over the subject. Except there ended up being an actual scandal this week (or two depending on how you feel about the government wiretapping your phone) when we learned that IRS were targeting conservative groups. Although I am surprised that other people are surprised that the IRS went after groups that actively try to put IRS agents out of their jobs, I would be surprised if they did not. That is why you will never hear me say anything bad about the IRS because I have no desire ever to be audited.

Free Download of the Week: Ocean and Sky – Jane Marczewski (Noise Trade)

Deal of the Week: Albums $2.99 and Up: Get cheap albums from R.E.M., Eric B. and Rakim, Daft Punk, and Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears.


New Album Release of the Week: Random Access Memories - Daft Funk

New DVD Release of the Week: Side Effects

Video of the Week: The networks released trailers for all their new shows this week (see The Five Most (and Least) Anticipated New Shows of Fall 2013) except the most noteworthy television show trailer released this week was that for Arrested Development season four hitting Netflix next Sunday, all fifteen new episodes. Sure it is funny, but it just kind of feels different. Not better, not worse, just different. Now I wonder when (or if) season four will be released on DVD or should I just finally redeem the one month free offer Netflix e-mails every once and a while to watch it.


Next Week Pick of the Week: Nashville, Wednesday at 10:00 on ABC: Most every show had its finale last week but Nashville is the one holdovers and if the penultimate episode is any indication, the first season will go out with a bang: Juliette’s mom killed her blackmailer before overdosing, Maddie leaned her father is not really her father, Tandy looked to overthrow her father but Lamar has other ideas, and Gunner and Scarlett broke up (while Avery looks like he is getting back into her good graces). If some of these big plot twists were sprinkled throughout the season instead of saved for the end, it may have been more enjoyable. Brad Paisley is also set to guest star but no word yet if he will be performing Accidental Racist.

Around the Tubes: 5/17/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on The Big C: Hereafter, The Bridge, The Tonight Show, Seventeen, Vice, The Last Stand, Stand Up Guys, Side Effects, and Finding Home.

- The Big C: Hereafter kicks off its final four episodes starting Monday and you can take a look at the premiere below:


- As we get closer to the July 10 premiere of The Bridge, FX has released a new promo to get you ready:


- NBC’s New Fall Sweeps is giving fans a chance to win the trip of a lifetime! RIGHT NOW through June 13th, fans can enter to win a trip for two to Los Angeles to attend one of the final tapings of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and a trip for two to New York City to attend one of the premiere tapings of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon! To enter, fans must follow NBC’s six new Fall series on Twitter. Each follow is an entry; fans can follow all six shows and be entered six times! The six profiles featured in the sweepstakes are: @NBCBlacklist, @NBCIronside, @NBCDracula, @MichaelJFoxShow, @SeanSavesWorld, and @NBCWelcome. This sweeps not only gives fans a chance to be a part of Tonight Show history – but it also keeps them up-to-date on all the latest and greatest from our new Fall shows! We’d love your help in spreading the word… and make sure you don’t miss on entering either!

- Pretty Little Liar’s Lucy Hale covers this month’s issue of Seventeen where she talks about the upcoming season of the ABC Family show and about starting a country music career. For more on Lucy, go to seventeen.com/Lucy and pick up the June/July issue of Seventeen, on newsstands May 21st.

- Coming this Friday on VICE: Thomas heads to Indonesia where they don't think smoking causes cancer, but instead cures it. Then, Shane travels from New York to Mexico where an addict tries to stop using the most addictive drug in the world, by using the scariest drug in the world. Check out a preview below:


- New to DVD and / or Blu-Ray next week include Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to the big screen in The Last Stand, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin star together on the big screen for the first time in Stand Up Guys, and the provocative thriller, Side Effects starring Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Channing Tatum, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.


- TBS and TNT are about to become the first national entertainment networks in the industry to stream on-air content live across multiple platforms 24/7, including through the networks' websites and a pair of newly created Watch TNT and Watch TBS apps. The announcement was made during TNT and TBS's annual Upfront presentation earlier this week in New York. Live streaming is the latest phase in the rollout of TV Everywhere, the industry-wide initiative that gives subscribers to cable, satellite and telco video services access to more of their favorite shows across a wide range of digital platforms. “Starting this summer, subscribers will be able to watch TBS and TNT live – anytime, anywhere, on multiple devices,” Steve Koonin, president of Turner Entertainment Networks, told the Upfront audience. “Tablets and smartphones become television sets, bringing new opportunities for us and for advertisers.”
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- Two award-winning Nashville-based television producers have come together to develop an adoption series called, Finding Home. The series will explore the rise of adoptions in the United States and will deliver a compelling look at how families are formed through adoption and how that impacts adoptees, birth and life parents, and communities in the present and for years beyond. The show will deal with the phenomenon of modern adoptions, the family dynamics created and how that is impacting our society and communities. Check out the video and levels of Kickstarter participation here.

The Five Most (and Least) Anticipated New Shows of Fall 2013

A surprising thing happened this week, most every show I watch got renewed. The only shows that got the ax that I watched every episode of were Deception, Happy Endings, Last Resort, and Go On (Hannibal still hangs in the balance which may not a very good sign). And really the latter of the three was the only one I will be sad to go (maybe TBS will pick it up to make a post-Friends hour with Cougar Town). So I really am not looking forward to adding many new shows, but here are a few that piqued my interest as the most promising shows of the upcoming season

1. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Tuesdays at 8:00 on ABC) – I am not sure if airing the most buzzed about new show of the fall against the most watched show on television. Sure ninety percent of the NCIS audience is in nursing homes and S.H.I.E.L.D. looks to attract a much more younger and hip audience so even with the stiff competition it should debut big. But will people stick around after they realize Robert Downey Jr., Samuel Jackson, Scarlette Johansson, Mark Ruffalo (in human or CGI form) or even Chris Evans probably will never even make a cameo on the show. All you will get is the reanimated corpses of Phil Coulson (and I am guessing maybe Maria Hill if there is a second season when How I Met Your Mother is no longer on the air). But Joss Whedon has already made three extremely entertaining television shows and if this is show is anything like the Item 47 short (which I assume it is), it should be entertaining in its own right even without any superheroes flying around.


2. The Blacklist (Mondays at 10:00 on NBC) – For the last two season, all the networks have been greenlighting a bunch of shows that look like they would be better as a movie than a twenty-two episode season, and most of them do not even make it to its fourteenth episode let alone its twenty-second. The Blacklist is another in that phylum, but two things make it more palatable than its predecessors. It looks like they will be crossing one person off “the blacklist” every episode making it very procedural. It also has the benefit of airing after The Voice which means it will likely make it to a second season before it is sent off to die on Wednesdays in the fall of 2014 (sorry Revolution, have fun being burned off on Saturdays by Thanksgiving). Though I am not sure what to think of James Spader slowly morphing into a combination of Corbin Bersen and Hunter S. Thompson.


3. The Michael J. Fox Show (Thursdays at 9:30 on NBC) – I may have been the only person who enjoyed Matthew Perry’s dead wife show so I am not sure if there will be an audience for Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s show, but I have to admit I laughed pretty hard at his daughter exploited class video presentation.


4. The Millers (Thursdays at 8:30) – There is probably no one happier at the Arrested Development reboot than Will Arnett because he has not been funny since the show went off the air. So maybe things will be turning around for Arnett. He is headlining the new show from Greg Garcia (My Name is Earl) except it is a multi-camera laugh track comedy. It also stars Mags Bennett as his mom. But it is Mags Bennett doing comedy. This show can go either way.


5. Back in the Game (Wednesdays at 9:30 on ABC) – I have always like Maggie Lawson but she always cast in crappy one and done sitcoms (anyone remember Inside Schwartz, It’s All Relative, or Crumbs?). I got excited when she showed up on Justified only to be show dead by Raylan. Hopefully her new show breaks the curse even if it sounds a lot like the recently canceled How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life). But this could work if they go full on Bad News Bears and not the watered down television sitcom version I fear it may be. Then again, the trailer opens with Lawson saying, “See you on the field, Dick,” so there is hope.


As the great philosopher Butt-Head once pondered, “If it weren’t for things that sucked, how would we know if something was awesome,” here are the least anticipated shows of the season (click on their names to check out their trailers).

1. Mixology (Midseason ABC) – An entire season takes place at one bar over one night? Wow, this sounds like the dumbest premise ever. Even at midseason with about twelve episodes, that is still six hours at the same bar. Did no one actually think this out?

2. Ironside (Wednesdays at 10:00 on NBC) – It is not a good sign that my only take away from the trailer of this show is that the chick from Greek may overtake Rachel Leigh Cook on Perception as the most unrealistic law enforcement agent currently on television. It is so absurd I may watch all four episodes it airs before being cancels just to see her try to act like a cop.

3. Killer Woman (Midseason ABC) – I got a good laugh at “executive produced by Sofia Vergara”. Sadly this is not a comedy. And Canadian Trisha Helfer as a Texas Ranger may rival Spencer Grammer for the title of most unrealistic law enforcement agent currently on television.

4. Mom (Mondays at 9:30 on CBS), Dads (Tuesday at 8:00 on Fox) – Chuck Lorre and Seth McFarlane are two of the least funny people on television, yet CBS and Fox keep giving them more and more shows. Even worse, America keeps watching them.

5. Dracula (Fridays at 10:00 on NBC), Sleepy Hollow (Mondays at 9:00 on Fox), and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (Thursdays at 8:00 on ABC) – After the success of Once Upon a Time and Grimm, it was only a matter of time before we got a bunch of famous retellings. Now we get three including a Once Upon a Time spin-off and they all look dreadful.


Of course the most fun part of the schedule release is guessing which shows will be canceled first and here are the five most likely candidates.

1. We Are Men (CBS)
2. Lucky 7 (ABC)
3. Sean Saves the World (NBC)
4. Betrayal (ABC)
5. Hostages (CBS)


And here is what I will be watching next far including the new shows in italics that I will at least check out once or twice.

Mondays
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
8:00 – The Voice (NBC) (assuming it does not become the country and RnB show this season became)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)
10:00 – The Blacklist (NBC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC)
9:00 - The Goldbergs (ABC)
9:00 – The Voice (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 - Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Back in the Game (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – Super Fun Night (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:30 – The Millers (CBS)
8:00 – Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC)
9:30 – The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Fridays
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 - Homeland (Showtime)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
10:00 - Masters of Sex (Showtime)
10:00 – Betrayal (ABC)

Lyrics Quiz: As Seen on TV 2013

As we wind down the television season, I am going to run down the best music placement of the past twelve months and as an added twist, I am going to do it in Lyrics Quiz form so you have to guess to see the actual list. As usual, place your guesses in the comment (or e-mail me), both artist and song title, and if you are correct I will un-bold the lyric. For fun, feel free to also guess which television shows the song was used on, a couple of the ones on my list even have multiple answers.

1. DC, San Antone and the Liberty Town, Boston and Baton Rouge, Tulsa, Austin, Oklahoma City, Seattle, San Francisco, too. Everywhere there's music, real live music, bands with a million styles.
2. There's a hole in what you're saying. I can plainly see you have a lover that's waiting but baby you're right here with me.
3. Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.
4. Now she’ don’t even know my name but I think she likes me just the same.
5. You’re all alone and so peaceful until... You fall in love, zing boom. The sky up above, zing boom, is caving in, wow bam.
6. Like vanilla, it’s the finest of the flavors. Gotta see the show, ‘cause then you'll know the vertigo is gonna grow, ‘cause it's so dangerous you’ll have to sign a waiver. (One Week - Barenaked Ladies; guessed by Kevin)
7. I've seen your face before, my friend but I don't know if you know who I am?
8. What a way to make a living. Barely getting by, it’s all taking and no giving. They just use your mind and they never give you credit. It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it.
9. I met this little girlie, her hair was kinda curly. Went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early.
10. Wake up kids, we’ve got the dreamers disease. Age 14 we got you down on your knees. So polite, you're busy still saying please.
11. The next stop that we make will be soon. Tell all the folks in Russia and China too. Don’t you know that it’s time to get on board?
12. Don't go changing to try and please me. You never let me down before. Don’t imagine you’re too familiar, and I don't see you anymore.
13. I’ve been trying to do it right. I’ve been living a lonely life. I’ve been sleeping here instead. (Ho Hey - The Lumineers; guessed by Kevin)
14. In the deep dark hills of eastern Kentucky, that’s the place where I trace my bloodline. And it’s there I read on a hillside gravestone.
15. You put your right hand out, give a firm hand-shake. Talk to me about that one big break. Spread your ear-pollution both far and wide. Keep your contributions by your side.
16. One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
17. I don’t like walking around this old and empty house. So hold my hand and walk with me my dead.
18. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. (Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - The Four Lads; guessed by Kevin)
19. Go tell that long tongue liar, go and tell that midnight rider. Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter.
20. Well it's not far down to paradise, at least's not for meIf the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility.
21. I’ve been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.
22. I got bodyguards, I got two big cars, that definitely aint the wack. I got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroof Cadillac.
23. My mind’s telling me no. But my body, my body’s telling me yes.
24. Lay a whisper on my pillow. Leave the winter on the ground. I wake up lonely, there's air of silence in the bedroom and all around.
25. Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane. Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again. Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt. Adolf builts a bonfire, Enrico plays with it.

Family’s a Messy Business, Ain’t Nothing Thicker than Blood.

Full Disclosure Notice: I have never seen the original The Texas Chain Saw Massacre film. Or its three sequels. Or the Jessica Biel reboot. Or even the Jordana Brewster prequel to the reboot. So I went into the seventh (7!) film in the series Texas Chainsaw a complete newbie. Texas Chainsaw 3D (another full disclosure notice: I do not own a 3-D enabled HDTV because I am morally opposed to 3-D and refuse to watch it, but if you are fine with it, the Blu-Ray comes with both the 2-D and 3-D versions on one disk) actually picks up right where the first movie picks up and the title sequence actually recaps that film for those that are new to the franchise like me, or just need a refresher just to get the other quasi-sequels and reboots out of your head.

The film starts with the police coming to the Sawyer house to investigate the events of the first film and then fast forwards to present day where we meet Alexandra Daddario (Adam Braverman’s hot assistant on Parenthood) who learns she not only is she adopted, her birth grandmother has left her the family estate. So she hops in a van with her boyfriend Trey Songz (who I know now why he goes by a pen name after learning his government is Tremaine Neverson, no one is making babies to an artist named Tremaine Neverson), best friend Tania Raymonde (Ben Linus’ daughter on Lost) and her boyfriend, some random dude who, along with the random hitchhiker they pick up, you know will not be lasting very long. Soon as they arrive in Texas, Daddario learns of her family, and the town’s dirty little secret. And that secret carries around a chainsaw.

Texas Chainsaw is you typical paint by numbers horror film that you have already seen before even if you skipped the earlier Chainsaw films. The kills are pedestrian and really the only scene that really crept me out was when Leatherface created his latest “mask” and put it on. Of course the young people in the film are stupid (but that does lead to an unintentionally funny scene where they try to drive the van through a gate) and the cops are not the smarter. But there is an interesting scene where one cop goes into Leatherface’s lair with his iPhone sharing video with the sheriff and mayor, but that did not even pay off like I was hoping for.

There is an attempt at a twist near the end of the film but it comes off as forced as well as pretty telegraphed for anyone who paid attention to the early parts of the films with a couple characters who overlook some horrible things to justify their actions. For those that saw the original and wonder why they would want to watch the newer version, it does boast actors from the original movie including Leatherface himself Gunnar Hansen, the girl that escaped his house of horrors Marilyn Burns, Bill Moseley who was in the sequel and John Dugan who actually reprises his role as Grandpa Sawyer which apparently is a record for the longest amount of time between someone playing the same role in a movie.

The Texas Chainsaw Blu-Ray is also filled with almost two hours of extra over nine featurettes not including three separate audio commentaries one with the producers, one with the creator, and another with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre alumni. The alumni also get their own featurette: Texas Chainsaw Legacy. There is also Resurrecting the Saw about how the new film came about; The Old Homestead on how the recreated the original house (surprisingly the house used in the first movie was moved and is now a restaurant for anyone who wants to eat at a place that once housed cannibals); Casting Terror about how the new cast were recruited; while Leatherface 2013 was dedicated to recasting the iconic character; Light Camera Massacre focused on making the film in 3-D, It’s in the Meat deals with the special effects makeup in the movie, as well as six five minute fly on the set look into six scenes. In lieu of any deleted scenes, there is an Alternative Opening which is essentially just and extended scene.

And though I am morally opposed to 3-D on television and at the movie theater, it is cool that the cover is in 3-D with Leatherface coming at you with his chainsaw. Granted it uses the same 3-D technology that was used on A Tribe Called Quest’s Beats, Rhymes & Life CD cover seventeen years ago (just realizing how old that album is makes me feel really old). Both the blu-ray and DVD version come with a digital copy code where you can get both the UltraViolet version of the film and was download a copy from iTunes for anyone who wants to view the movie on the go or while running away from your local chainsaw wielding maniac.


Full Disclosure Notice: This Blu-Ray was given to me by Lionsgate for the sole purpose of reviewing it.