10 Remakes I Would Pay to See

It was announced this week that Warner Bros. was moving forward with its reboot of Gremlins which was met by everyone over thirty with a resounding, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Now I do not have a blind hatred of remakes but you have to be weary of them because it is clear that the movie executives put no thought into these movies other than, “people love the original so we can con people into watching a newer version even if it sucks.” So they usually spend their entire budget on acquiring on the rights to the original subject and put little time and effort into the writing, directing, or the casting which is how the Footloose remake ended up with a lead that had about a tenth of the charisma that Kevin Bacon had. Or they take what was great in the first film and replace it with something lame like changing the tractor duel to a bus derby duel (to be fair, Julianne Hough was an upgrade over Lori Singer). I have just resigned to the fact that the Gremlins reboot will be in CGI when the charm of the original was they looked like something you could have gotten down at Toy’s R Us. And this is why the Star Wars prequels did not work, why you CGI everything to death you take the heart out of the story.

What movie executives do not realize, if they actually take known properties that people love and give them to directors who know what they are doing and cast it with actors people know and actually like, they could make a lot more money. Just look at what Christopher Nolan did for the Batman franchise or Sam Mendes with James Bond. Now I really am not much of a behind the scenes but I do spend way too much time thinking up fake movie casting. Yeah, a Gremlins remake may sound horrible at face value, but how about a Gremlins reboot starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Phoebe Cates, Adam Brody as Zach Galligan, and Mr. Wu from Deadwood as the creepy Asian dude? I’d watch that. And maybe even enjoy it if they opt for animatronics over CGI (get Guillermo del Toro to direct or produce and he will definitely avoid CGI).

Periodically I come up with fake movie casting and share them on Facebook, unfortunately this has not led to some studio hiring to head me for their Reboot Department (even though they have taken my advice when it came to casting Tyra Collette as Wonder Woman, Lyla Garrity in the Charlie’s Angels reboot, and hiring Sara Bareilles as a judge on The Sing-Off). So I thought I would round up a list of my favorite fake remakes for you. And for any movie studios out there, I have many more ideas and I am still available to head up your Reboot Department.


1. A female version of Lord of the Flies starring Loretta McCready (Justified), Arya Stark (Game of Thrones), Hit Girl (Kick-(Expletive Deleted)), Alex Dunphey (Modern Family), Sally Draper (Mad Men), and Dana Brody (Homeland). Movie executives will have to come up with a better title than Lady of the Flies on their own.

2. Against All Odds reboot staring Ryan Gosling as Jeff Bridges, Emma Stone as Rachel Ward, and Joseph Gordon Levitt as James Woods with John Mayer covering the theme song. (Honestly about ninety percent of my fake movie ideas involve Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.)


3. Three Men and a Baby reboot with Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), Steve Stifler (American Pie), and Dick Casablancas (Veronica Mars).

4. A gender bending reboot of Spies Like Us starring Kristen Bell and Alison Brie with Adele covering the Paul McCartney theme song.

5. Swimf@n reboot starring Haley Dunphey (Modern Family) as Erika Christensen, Tessa Altman (Suburgatory) as Shiri Appleby, and Jason Street (Friday Night Lights) as the boring dude.


6. The Cannonball Run reboot featuring the teams of Adam Sandler and Chris Rock, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Trya Collette and Lyla Garrity, Charles Barkley and Shaq; oh yeah, and Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds with teammate Burt Reynolds.

7. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead remake starring Ashley Benson (Pretty Little Liars) as Christina Applegate, Dylan from Modern Family as the older brother, Loretta McCready (Justified), Brick Heck (The Middle), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), and Mrs. Blankenship (Mad Men) as the dead babysitter.


8. A gender switching reboot of Weekend at Bernie's starring Emma Stone, Haley Dunphy and Kristin Wiig as Bernadette.

9. Innerspace reboot starring McLovin’ (Superbad) as Martin Short, Kristen Bell as Meg Ryan, and Ryan Gosling as Dennis Quaid.


10. Two of a Kind reboot starring Nathan Fillion as John Travolta, Hilary Duff (who would also remake Twist of Fate for the soundtrack) as Olivia Newton-John, Ernie Hudson as Ernie Hudson and Olivia Newton-John as God.