Turns out Not Even Jack Sparrow Can Best the Devil

One of the biggest cinematic surprises in recent years was that The Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl didn’t absolutely suck. With most movies that have a built in name recognition, the producers skimp on the writing thinking the name itself is enough to bring in moviegoers, which it usually does. Add to that the name recognition in this case for for an amusement park ride. And not only did The Pirates of the Caribbean didn’t suck, it was thoroughly entertaining and landed Johnny Depp an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow, the most ambiguously gay pirate since Captain Hook. Come to think of it, with Hook’s obsession with young boys how long until Chris Hansen makes a special visit to Never Neverland? Well that’s something for another post.

Of course with the amount money the first movie raked in, a sequel was inevitable and Disney quickly filmed two of them at the same time. The most recent, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest saw its DVD hit shelves this week. Also back for another round are Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley who open the movie with a little bump on their way to the alter as they are arrested for helping Captain Jack to escape at the end of the last movie. But it’s not really the British that the Captain is really worried about right now as Davy Jones is looking to collect on an agreement he made with Sparrow ten years ago while Jack tries to find a way out of it. Jones’ minions are a visual marvel as they have taken on the appearance of sea creatures or started to although not as spectacular are the midnight skeleton scene of the first movie.

Where the first movie was great throughout, the second one falls into your typical Jerry Bruckheimer fair: action to start and end the movie but not much substance in between. But the two action sequences are as good as they come. Surely even if you have yet to see the movie, you have at least seen parts of them in the trailer. The first comes while Sparrow makes a pit stop at the nearest island because Jones can’t walk on land only to run into some cannibals. The escape from the natives is fast and furious and has plenty of comedic elements thrown in thanks to Depp’s performance and we even meet up with some familiar faces from the first movie. The movie end with another dazzling scene that had to take forever to plan which includes and one on one on one sword fight and one on two on an army that go on at the same time. Okay that scene does quite close the movie because the movie officially ends on a cliffhanger (but be sure to fast forward past the credits for one last laugh). I can’t express how much I hate the idea of a cliffhanger for a movie and almost ruins Dead Man’s Chest. But of course that won’t stop me for reserving a seat for At World’s End next summer.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We on Award Tour: 2006 Grammy Nominations

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, not because of the inches of snow that is piling up outside but today saw the release of the nominees for this year’s Grammy awards. We have about two months until the actual awards are handed out (February 11) so I stop caring about them by them and just turn into the show because the Grammy’s always have the best performances none of which have been announced yet. Mary J Blige landed the most nominees with eight. Granted R&B artist always have an advantage because there a bunch more categories. Following close behind with six were the Red Hit Chili Peppers. Here’s an abridged list with my thought (for a full list of all 832 categories check out the Grammy page):


Record of the Year
Be Without You - Mary J. Blige
You’re Beautiful - James Blunt
Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Put Your Records On - Corinne Bailey Rae

Who Will Win: Not Ready to Make Nice
Who Should Win: Crazy
Should Have Been Nominated: God’s Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash

Apparently the Grammy voters are the only people who aren’t completely sick of James Blunt. But I have to give it up to them for putting the most addictive song of the year that never gets old, Crazy, in the category.


Album of the Year
Taking The Long Way - Dixie Chicks
St. Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley
Continuum - John Mayer
Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers
FutureSex/LoveSounds - Justin Timberlake

Who Will Win: Taking the Long Way
Who Should Win: Continuum
Should Have Been Nominated: Modern Times - Bob Dylan

I’m not sure what is the bigger shock, the unlistenable Justin Timberlake album getting nominated or Bob Dylan not getting one. I reviewed all but St. Elsewhere and the one I’ve listened to the most this year has been the John Mayer one so it would get my vote.


Song of the Year
Be Without You - Johnta Austin, Mary J. Blige, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jason Perry, songwriters
Jesus, Take the Wheel - Brett James, Hillary Lindsey & Gordie Sampson, songwriters (Carrie Underwood)
Not Ready to Make Nice - Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, Emily Robison & Dan Wilson, songwriters (Dixie Chicks)
Put Your Records On - John Beck, Steve Chrisanthou & Corinne Bailey Rae, songwriters
You're Beautiful - James Blunt, Amanda Ghost & Sacha Skarbek, songwriters

Who Will Win: You’re Beautiful
Who Should Win: Not Ready to Make Nice
Should Have Been Nominated: Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Keep in mind this is a songwriting award and sadly I think Blunt will take this one home, but one of my favorite lyrics this year were to the bridge of the Dixie Chicks’ song. This may also be the first year with two country artist up for this award in the same year. Well if you still consider the Dixie Chicks country. And the infectious groove is what makes the song great, but the lyrics to Crazy are overlooked.


Best New Artist
James Blunt
Chris Brown
Imogen Heap
Corinne Bailey Rae
Carrie Underwood

Who Will Win: James Blunt
Who Should Win: Corinne Bailey Rae
Should Have Been Nominated: Gnarls Barkley

Always the hardest to predict and there really aren’t any artists that stand out here. Surprisingly Gnarls Barkley is missing after getting nods for two of the big awards when this is Heap’s only nod and Brown just got some lesser R&B ones.


Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
Ain’t No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
You Can Close Your Eyes - Sheryl Crow
Stupid Girls - Pink
Black Horse and the Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall

Who Will Win: Black Horse and the Cherry Tree
Who Should Win: Black Horse and the Cherry Tree
Should Have Been Nominated: Hurt - Christina Aguilera

Also missing from Best New Artist is Tunstall but may take this home to make up for it. It must have been a bad year for female pop when that horrible Pink song gets a nod. And I may be nit-picking, but I’d take Hurt over the nod here.


Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Save Room - John Legend
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer
Jenny Wren - Paul McCartney
Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Who Will Win: Jenny Wren
Who Should Win: Waiting on the World to Change
Should Have Been Nominated: Nothing Left to Lose - Mat Kearney

Two of the most overplayed songs of the past twelve months but when it comes to the Grammy’s always go with the old dude, even if it wasn’t really the best


Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
My Humps - The Black Eyed Peas
I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Is It Any Wonder? - Keane
Stickwitu - The Pussycat Dolls

Who Will Win: Over My Head (Cable Car)
Who Should Win: I Will Follow You into the Dark
Should Have Been Nominated: The Mixed Tape - Jack’s Manninequin

Here’s a hodgepodge category although I was looking forwards to the Grammy’s for a Pussycat Dolls free awards show yet here they are. Well at least no Paris Hilton.


Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals
For Once in My Life - Tony Bennett & Stevie Wonder
One - Mary J. Blige & U2
Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting
Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
Hips Don't Lie - Shakira & Wyclef Jean

Who Will Win: One
Who Should Win: One

I know other U2 fans would rip me for saying this but I love the Mary J Blige version as much as I do the original. I wouldn’t count the pairing of Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder Out though.


Best Pop Vocal Album
Back To Basics - Christina Aguilera
Back to Bedlam - James Blunt
The River in Reverse - Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint
Continuum - John Mayer
FutureSex/LoveSounds - Justin Timberlake

Who Will Win: The River in Reverse
Who Should Win: Continuum
Should Have Been Nominated: Eye to the Telescope - KT Tunstall

Ugg, more Timberlake. Seriously, can someone explain to me how did this guy become a credible artist?


Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
Nausea - Beck
Someday Baby - Bob Dylan
Route 66 - John Mayer
Saving Grace - Tom Petty
Lookin’ For a Leader - Neil Young

Who Will Win: Someday Baby
Who Should Win: Someday Baby
Should Have Been Nominated: Better Way - Ben Harper

Bob Dylan finally show up as well as other of the old guard with Petty and Young. But if I nominating a Young song I’d go with his Let’s Impeach the President song.


Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
Talk - Coldplay
How To Save A Life - The Fray
Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs
Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Saints Are Coming - U2 & Green Day

Who Will Win: Dani California
Who Should Win: Steady, as She Goes
Should Have Been Nominated: Boston - Augustana

So let me get this straight, Cable Car is a pop song but How to Save a Life is a rock song. Um, yeah, okay. Gotta love the Grammy’s and all their odd decisions. But with 832 categories you need to fill them out somehow.


Best Rock Song
Chasing Cars - Nathan Connolly, Gary Lightbody, Jonny Quinn, Tom Simpson & Paul Wilson, songwriters (Snow Patrol)
Dani California - Flea, John Frusciante, Anthony Kiedis & Chad Smith, songwriters (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Lookin’ For A Leader - Neil Young, songwriter
Someday Baby - Bob Dylan, songwriter
When You Were Young - Brandon Flowers, Dave Keuning, Mark Stoermer & Ronnie Vannucci, songwriters (The Killers)

Who Will Win: Lookin’ for a Leader
Who Should Win: When You Were Young
Should Have Been Nominated: Boston - Augustana

Again this goes to the songwriters and another one of my favorite lines of the year goes to the last couple lines from The Killers song. The Grammy’s aren’t as liberal as say the Oscars but I wouldn’t be surprised if the anti-Bush song takes this home.


Best Rock Album
Try! - John Mayer Trio
Highway Companion - Tom Petty
Broken Boy Soldiers - The Raconteurs
Stadium Arcadium - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Living With War - Neil Young

Who Will Win: Stadium Arcadium
Who Should Win: Try!
Should Have Been Nominated: Modern Times - Bob Dylan

Is Dylan not getting an Album of the Award nod is shocking, this is even more so. And more fun with category: John Mayer Trio - Rock; John Mayer Solo - Pop.


Best Alternative Music Album
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
At War With The Mystisc - The Flaming Lips
St. Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley
Show Your Bones - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Eraser - Thom Yorke

Who Will Win: St. Elsewhere
Who Should Win: Whatever People Say I Am, That's what I'm Not

It may just be time to eliminate the alternative category. This is becoming more and more a worthless award every year.


Best Female R&B Vocal Performance
Ring the Alarm - Beyoncé
Be Without You - Mary J. Blige
Don't Forget About Us - Mariah Carey
Day Dreaming - Natalie Cole
I Am Not My Hair - India.Arie

Who Will Win: I am Not My Hair
Who Should Win: Be Without You
Should Have Been Nominated: S.O.S. - Rihanna


Best Male R&B Vocal Performance
Heaven - John Legend
So Sick - Ne-Yo
Black Sweat - Prince
I Call It Love - Lionel Richie
Got You Home - Luther Vandross

Who Will Win: Got You Home
Who Should Win: I call it Love

More fun with categories: Heaven - R&B; Save Room - Pop. But when it comes to the Grammy’s, never vote against the dead dude.

Best Urban/Alternative Performance
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
That Heat - Sergio Mendes Featuring Erykah Badu & Will.i.am
Mas Que Nada - Sergio Mendes Featuring The Black Eyed Peas
Idlewild Blue (Don't Chu Worry 'Bout Me) - Outkast
3121 - Prince

Who Will Win: Crazy
Who Should Win: Crazy

I like to refer to this as the Not Ghetto Enough Award for black artist that make music that doesn’t fit into what has become a bland R&B genre.

Best R&B Song
Be Without You - Johnta Austin, Mary J. Blige, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jason Perry, songwriters
Black Sweat - Prince, songwriter
Déjà vu - Shawn Carter, Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, Beyoncé Knowles, Makeba, Keli Nicole Price & Delisha Thomas, songwriters
Don't Forget About Us - Johnta Austin, Mariah Carey, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jermaine Dupri, songwriters
I Am Not My Hair - Drew Ramsey, Shannon Sanders & India Arie Simpson, songwriters

Who Will Win: I Am Not My Hair
Who Should Win: I Am Not My Hair

Like I said before, R&B has gotten bland as none these songs are really that well written but I can’t really think of anything to replace them with except Anthony Hamilton should have gotten a nomination somewhere.


Best R&B Album
The Breakthrough - Mary J. Blige
Unpredictable - Jamie Foxx
Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship - India.Arie
3121 - Prince
Coming Home - Lionel Richie

Who Will Win: The Breakthrough
Who Should Win: 3121
Should Have Been Nominated: Ain’t Nobody Worryin’ - Anthony Hamilton


Best Rap Solo Performance
Touch It - Busta Rhymes
We Run This - Missy Elliott
Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
Undeniable - Mos Def
What You Know - T.I.

Who Will Win: What You Know
Who Should Win: Kick, Push
Should Have Been Nominated: Dynamite - Rhymefest


Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Ridin - Chamillionaire Featuring Krayzie Bone
Georgia - Ludacris & Field Mob (Featuring Jamie Foxx)
Grillz - Nelly Featuring Paul Wall, Ali & Gipp
Mighty “O” - Outkast
Don't Feel Right - The Roots

Who Will Win: Ridin
Who Should Win: Don’t Feel Right
Should Have Been Nominated: Brand New - Rhymefest & Kanye West

Chamillionaire has swept every rap award this year so I don’t see why the Grammy’s would be different and ever since the Weird Al send up, I’ve warmed up to the orginal.


Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Smack That - Akon Featuring Eminem
Déjà vu - Beyoncé Featuring Jay-Z
Shake That - Eminem Featuring Nate Dogg
Unpredictable - Jamie Foxx Featuring Ludacris
My Love - Justin Timberlake Featuring T.I.

Who Will Win: Déjà vu
Who Should Win: Déjà vu
Should Have Been Nominated: Work it Out - Jurassic 5 & Dave Matthews Band

Can’t say I really like any of the songs nominated but Work it Out was vastly overlooked. And what's with Eminem and That songs


Best Rap Song
It's Goin' Down - Chadron Moore & Jasiel Robinson, songwriters (Yung Joc)
Kick, Push - Wasalu Muhammad Jaco, songwriter (Lupe Fiasco)
Money Maker - Christopher Bridges & Pharrell Williams, songwriters (Ludacris Featuring Pharrell)
Ridin - Anthony Henderson, J. Slainas, O. Salinas & Hakeem Seriki, songwriters(Chamillionaire Featuring Krayzie Bone)
What You Know - A. Davis & Clifford Harris, songwriters; (Donny Hathaway, Leroy Hutson & Curtis Mayfield, songwriters) (T.I.)

Who Will Win: Ridin
Who Should Win: Kick, Push
Should Have Been Nominated: Don’t Feel Right - The Roots

In my review of the song I made fun of Money Maker for a silly lyric like, “Took yo momma nine moths to make you, might as well shake what yo momma gave ya” yet here it is nominated for a songwriting award at the Grammy’s.


Best Rap Album
Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor - Lupe Fiasco
Release Therapy - Ludacris
In My Mind - Pharrell
Game Theory - The Roots
King - T.I.

Who Will Win: Game Theory
Who Should Win: Game Theory
Should Have Been Nominated: Blue Collar - Rhymefest


Producer of the Year, Non-Classical
Howard Benson
Every Man for Himself (Hoobastank) (A)
Flyleaf (Flyleaf) (A)
In With the Out Crowd (Less than Jake) (A)
One-X (Three Days Grace) (A)
The Paramour Sessions (Papa Roach) (A)
Popaganda (Head Automatica) (A)
Saosin (Saosin) (A)

T Bone Burnett
Thunderbird (Cassandra Wilson) (A)
The True False Identity (T Bone Burnett) (A)
Walk the Line — Soundtrack (Joaquin Phoenix & Various Artists) (A)

Danger Mouse
Pieces Of the People We Love (The Rapture) (T)
St. Elsewhere (Gnarls Barkley) (A)

Rick Rubin
American V: A Hundred Highways (Johnny Cash) (A)
God's Gonna Cut You Down (Johnny Cash) (T)
Stadium Arcadium (Red Hot Chili Peppers) (A)
Taking the Long Way (Dixie Chicks) (A)
12 Songs (Neil Diamond) (A)

Will.i.am
About You (Mary J. Blige Featuring Will.i.am) (T)
Big Girls Don't Cry (Fergie) (T)
Damn Girl (Justin Timberlake Featuring Will.i.am) (T)
I Am Somebody (Santana Featuring Will.i.am) (T)
I Love My B**** (Busta Rhymes Featuring Kelis & Will.i.am) (T)
Mas Que Nada (Sergio Mendes Featuring the Black Eyed Peas) (T)
Timeless (Sergio Mendes) (A)

Who Will Win: T Bone Burnett
Who Should Win: Rick Rubin

I’m pretty sure “T” is for track and “A” is for album. Odd that Rubin is up for producing just one of Cash’s songs and the whole album.


Best Short Form Music Video
8th of November - Big & Rich
When You Were Young - The Killers
Here It Goes Again - OK Go
Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Writing on the Walls - Underoath

Who Will Win: Dani California
Who Should Win: OK Go
Should Have Been Nominated: Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

What a way to end the Grammy coverage with a nomination for the treadmill video.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. XII

- Usually after November the music industry stops releasing their big name albums because they want all their potential hits on the shelves by Black Friday. But there are a few things that landed in iTunes yesterday that are worth mentioning. First up, The Killers released their first try at making a Christmas song with A Great Big Sled. The song sounds pretty much like an outtake from Sam’s Town but with lyrics about snow. Portions of the proceeds from sales of the song go to the (Red) Campaign.

- Now for those that like Christmas songs but feel 99 cents is a little steep for you than check out the Free Single of the Week with James Taylor’s take on the classic Jingle Bells (click graphic at right, if it's not James Taylor, you're too late).

- More free stuff over in the television. For those that watch any show on NBC you surely know by now of its new Thursday comedy block and that Scrubs will be airing a musical episode soon. Well if you want to check out on of the musical numbers from the upcoming show you can do so for free.

- Also in the television section, The CW has finally jumped on the iTunes bandwagon. Although it looks like they are taking baby steps as the only show currently available is Supernatural and so far only the current season is available. And it's so new my iTunes link maker doesn't even have links up for it yet so you'll have to check it out on your on.

- While you are there you can always catch the latest episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Ever episode you can expect at least one great monologue and The Christmas Show was no exception with Ed Asner refusing to accept Jack’s resignation nor back down to the FCC. I’ve even seen many people say it’s the best episode of the year, personally I’d go with The Wrap Party where Chandler tries to pick up both of the Calico Girls, Jack’s drunken tirade about the UN show, and the blacklisted writer.

- Another great episode this week (although not on iTunes but you can stream at NBC.com) was Friday Night Lights mostly because of my second favorite new character this year (next to Parker on Veronica Mars), Landry. First coach Taylor gets his name wrong and then convinces Matt to buy a Member’s Only jacket for his date. Coach’s reaction to the jacket was priceless too.

- Ever want to be as cool as me and talk to Kristen Bell, if yes head over to eBay where you can bid for a ten minute Skype call with Ronnie herself. Oh and as I write this the current bid is $730. She is currently has the highest bid of all the celebrities you can win a call, three of which are video calls) with that also includes Rob Lowe, cast members from The Office and The OC as well of the Fonz who is a steal at $152.50. I feel bad for the cast of Zoey 101 (whatever that is) which only reached $25 so far. Oh and 100% of the final sale goes to Young Storytellers Foundation.

- Now for some horrible television news. It will soon be announced that Lost will move to 10:00 when it returns in February. This is a bad idea to end all bad ideas. I rarely watch anything that late in fact just three shows ever (Rescue Me, Love Monkey, Studio 60). So there is a chance that I’ll be cutting that show loose soon. ABC is moving the show so it won’t have to compete with that karaoke show. Even worth, with Lost moving, ABC is placed my second most anticipated show of the new season The Knights of Prosperity (or as I like to call it Let’s Rob Mick Jagger) up against American Karaoke which says to me that ABC wants the show canceled. It’s times like these where I swear that the networks are conspiring against me.

- I’ve mentioned it before, and surely I will again, but I am hoping to put together a 9th Green Reader’s Poll of your favorite songs of year for my Best of 2006 spectacular. So please e-mail me (ScooterKSU@aol.com) your top 10 favorite songs of the past year, in order, sometime before Christmas Eve and if I get enough responses I will post the results the day after Christmas.

This Sounds Like Disco Tetris

Many of those who enjoy making overly ironic jokes routinely mentioned at the release of the new Gwen Stefani single, Wind it Up, that she was totally ripping of Fergie’s faux rap style. Of course it was actually Stefani that started the trend that has also been utilized since by Nelly Furtado and Cassie with her Middle School anthems off her debut album. Granted long before Stefani and Fergie, Toni Basil was the first to revolutionize the singing cadence in her cheerleader inspired Mickey. There is a good chance that Basil may have inspired Stefani because it is apparent on Love Angel Music Baby as well as her latest release, The Sweet Escape, that she loves the 80’s almost as much as VH1.

After going even further back in time with the Sound of Music sampling Wind it Up to open the album, the 80’s influences come fast and often. Early Winter sounds like Cyndi Lauper through the No Doubt filter circa Simple Kind of Life. The song, produced by the keyboardist from Keane, is easily the standout track, but mostly because there is little competition. The next closest track is 4 in the Morning, produced by No Doubt’s Tony Kanel, which has a mid-eighties R&B feel to it as Stefani sounds like a one woman version of The Jets.

Elsewhere on the album the eighties elements fall flat. On Fluorescent the song is about one note away from blatantly ripping of the classic from the decad Human by The Human League. The Neptunes continue there downfall with a few weak tracks on the album including Yummy which Stefani herself says, “This sounds like disco Tetris.” I can’t imagine anyone else would think that is a good idea. They also produced the ill-advised Breakin’ Up. No it is not about dumping a boyfriend, it is instead about a dropped phone call. And it even turns out lamer than it sounds. Trying to recreate Hollaback Girl, we get Don’t Get it Twisted chalk full of profanities and a chorus that lift the melody from the Ringling Brothers. The big different is that this song is much less chant worthy than its predecessor. Hopefully some time after this album Stefani realizes she is inching closer to forty and needs to get back together with her band and stop making trite music for thirteen year old girls. Oh yeah, and please don’t ever yodel again, leave that to Jewel.

Song to Download - Early Winter

The Sweet Escape gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We on Award Tour: Big in 2006 Awards

Back in October, despite two whole months left, VH1 released it’s nominations for their Big in 2006. The nominations came so early then even had to add some nominees later because they deserved to be mentioned when talking about the year that was. Of course the nominations had to come so early because even though December was just a couple days old the channel held the awards ceremony. Well to be technical that’s just when they aired because the actual awards were likely taped days ago. But anyways. Here are some thoughts from the festivities:

- Even though the latest movie in the franchise was just released you really shouldn’t open up a show about 2006 with a James Bond parody. Although dressing D.L. Hughley up like Boret yet looking more like Steve Harvey was funny. And the monologue was great. Now if only Sorkin would let D.L. write some comedy for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which oddly didn’t receive a mention) imagine how the show could actually be better.

- Whoever decided to pair up Tommy Lee and the cheerleader from Heroes should be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. They hand out the Big Music Artist to Justin Timberlake. Yawn, I’m ready for sexy to go away again.

- Flavor Flav is your backstage announcer for the night and possibly got more screen time than Hughley. I am now convinced that Flav has some compromising pictures of the president of VH1.

- Umm, should I know who Miley Cyrus is? She along with Lance Bass, who somehow escapes from obscurity just for being outed, are out to announce the performance of Fergie. They put this way too early in the show because it’s too soon for a bathroom break. I really hope the Fergie era ends along with 2006 and she takes all the other faux female rappers along with her.

- Wow, Kathy Griffin is looking scarier and scarier by the minute. Give her a wig and five years and she will look exactly like Joan Rivers. Lame segment too.

- Next up are the Dancing with C-Listers losers, the dudes from Blossom and Save by the Bell who give the award for big comeback to another has been who needs a reality show to stay on television, David Hasselhoff.

- Britney Spears wins Big Mama. Keep in mind most of the voting was done before she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and flashing her kootchiepop all over the place. And to think two weeks ago no one thought there was anyway Kevin Federline could win custody of their children and now he actually looks like the better parent.

- Speaking of bad plastic surgery, here comes Jenna Jamison. But this begs the question is it really a bad face lift if no one ever looks at your face? But anyways. Lonelygirl15, who apparently has a real name, Jessica Rose, and cleans up well from all the pajamas she wears to win the Big Web Hit. Now was I just fantasizing are did Jessica ask to make a video with Jenna?

- The Killers are onstage with, like Fergie, the same song they performed at the VMA’s. Oh well, at least it’s the best song off their album. And I really like the last line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus… But more than you’ll ever know.” (Mmm, I wonder if that line will show up later this month.)

- Two actors from various CSI shows give the award for Big Breakthrough to Steven Colbert who despite being on tape is funny as usual as he has a collection of Emmys around. Odd that he pokes fun at the cast of fellow nominee High School Musical yet they weren’t mentioned in the nominee segment.

- Ice-T and his trophy wife is out to announce the best performance of the night: “Weird Al” Yankovic. I was a little disappointed that VH1 didn’t take my advice and have Al perform with Chamillionaire, but this will have to do.

- The Big Shocker goes North Korea testing the bomb. VH1 really dropped the ball by not staging an acceptance speech by bringing in the puppet from Team America.

- The Big Mistakes was another great bit by Hughley, the best being when talking about Mel Gibson blaming all the wars on the Jews, Hughley said, “I didn’t know George Bush is Jewish.” High comedy right there.

- Next out are the dude from Borat not named Borat and Brooke Hogan (it’s time to cut your loses Hulk, Brooke’s music career is officially a failure) to give the Big Reality Star to some chick from Big Brother. Really? There is something ironic (possibly sad) about people who sit around their house watching people sit around a house doing nothing.

- Xzibit announces the Big It-Girl as Katherine McVeigh. I wonder if she’s related to the dude who blew up the building in Oklahoma City.

- Nothing says 2006 like a performance by the dude from Styx. Um, yeah, okay. Apparently he was out to recognize the woman of reality TV, sadly Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge was missing. Although they made up for her absence by closing out the segment with Ms. Jay, that had me on the floor laughing.

- Umm, should I know who Perez Hilton is? Whoever he is, he really needs to invest in a speech coach. And only Paris Hilton would be so starved for the spotlight that she would actually show up to accept an award like Big Outlaw. I wonder if she realizes that we are laughing at her, not with her.

- When did the dude from X-Play start singing for The Fray?

- Nice of VH1 to award Big Entertainer to Dane Cook long after most people believed he stopped being funny. The proof was in his acceptance speech where he too a joke that should have been funny (saying he’d meet up with Lindsay, Paris, and Britney then flash his junk while getting out of a car) only to go way overboard. It’s time to learn about subtlety Dane.

- The last award of the night goes to Kiefer Sutherland for Big TV Star. Yawn. Possibly the most boring VH1 award show ever.


If you watched the Big show you undoubtedly saw some commercials for upcoming VH1 reality shows because that’s all they show anymore. Here I rank them in order of how excited I am about them.

4) I Love New York - A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off; that has to be some sort of record. But even though I’m a huge Flavor Flav guy there is no way you can get me to watch this.
3) Tom Sizmore Show - I missed what the exact title of the show was and oddly there is no mention of it on the VH1 website, but it looks exactly like Breaking Bonaduce but without the wife. Granted there is a reason why I don’t watch that show and won’t be watching this.
2) The Surreal Life Game - The Surreal Life was a complete rip off of The Real World so it was inevitable that it would riff its spin-off, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and just like the RW/RR I’ll watch every minute.
1) The White Rapper Show - It looks like an American Karaoke rip-off with M.C. Search of 3rd Bass as a judge. Seriously, this could be the greatest show in VH1 history. Well maybe not Pop Up Videos good, but close.

Pay Strict Attention to What I Say Because I Choose My Words Carefully

Every once in a while you come across a movie that has you on the edge of your seat for parts of the movie. In the case of Inside Man, don’t expect to feel the back of your chair any time between when the bank robbers roll into the lobby and the end credits. Actually you may not even lean back into your seat until long after the credits finish rolling as you sit and try to comprehend what just happened and ponder if you should watch it again. Granted if you listen to the opening soliloquy (the dude even tells you to listen carefully), the ending shouldn’t be at all puzzling.

So what we have here is your basic bank heist. Guys (and a girl) go into a bank with guns waving; soon the cops arrive to make sure they get don’t get away while making sure none of the hostages are harmed. But you quickly realize this isn’t your ordinary game of cops and robbers. On one side you have Denzel Washington (Remember the Titans) as a detective and negotiator assigned to the case. Naturally he has some skeletons in his past namely some money that went missing from his previous case. On the other side of the law is Clive Owen (Closer) as the ringleader of the robbers who give a powerful performance despite spending the majority of the movie behind a mask, sunglasses and hooded sweatshirt.

At the peripheral of the case is Christopher Plummer (Must Love Dogs) who owns the bank yet seems to care less about the money inside the vault than something locked away in a security deposit box. That’s where Jodie Foster (Freaky Friday, no not the crappy Lindsay Lohan one, the original) comes in, she’s the person you call when you need something done, and done discretely. Almost a character despite never seen on screen is director Spike Lee turns the bank robbery into a bigger issue that also deals with race, class, and sex and is still able to feature his longtime collaborator, New York City itself even though most of the action takes place in the bank and a police trailer. And Spike had plenty to work with thanks to Russell Gewirtz, who throws in plenty of one-liners in between all the tense scenes leaving you laughing only to then wonder if you should have or not considering the overall tone of the movie. The best of which is Owen’s dislike for a Grand Theft Auto type video game the youngest hostage is playing.

Inside Man gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We're Gonna Need Something with a Little Bit More Kick

For most males of my generation, much of the mid nineties were devoted to sitting in front of the computer playing the granddaddy of all shooters, Doom. Before the game, most video games were family friendly plat formers like Mario Brothers and even games that involved killing things like The Legend of Zelda, the killing was very cartoonish. But with Doom, you took a first person account of blasting hell spawn and zombies complete with blood spatter. There was even a time that there more computers that had some form of Doom on it than Windows. The game eventually gave way to the gorier Quake that featured multiplayer through the internet so you could now spend day on end killing your dorm mates.

Then over ten years after its original release and a year after a third installment in the series hit computer screens a movie tie-in made it to theaters despite ever other movie that was based on a videogame has sucked massively. Well of course the one exception being Super Mario Bros. with Bob Hopkins playing the red overall wearing plumber. Okay, enough sarcasm. Transferring Doom into a movie is an odd choice due to the video game being a first person shooter with evil doers being the only other characters in the game. So some changes had to be made for the transition to the big screen. First instead of one space marine shipped off to Mars, we get eight. The biggest change though is that the evil doers don’t come out of portal from hell. Where the actually come from in the movie is bit of a spoiler and I won’t tell you where or how not because I don’t want to spoil you, instead because it’s extremely complicated.

There in lies one of the big problems with the movie, its way too complicated for a film based on a game where all you had to know was kill anything that moves. When the marines hit Mars, they run into a bunch of scientists that bog down the dialog with way too many big words that you needed to take upper level biology and archeology courses in college to understand. The other big problem is you can’t see anything, ever. The lighting in the movie is so dark, even when the evil doers come on screen it’s hard to be scared because you have no clue what you are looking at. The only part of the film that old school gamers can appreciate is they discover of the BFG (my censors won’t let me tell you what it completely stands for but “B” is big and “G” is gun) and the segment where film takes on a first person view. But even those inclusions would make it worth sitting through the rest of the film.

Doom gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Merry Christmas Baby and a Happy New Year

Even though many don’t ever release Christmas albums, most artists have a holiday song for radio stations to play in December. For years there wasn’t a way to have those songs in your collection unless you sit in tape them off the radio, yes kiddies, this was how we got our music in a time before the internet and CD burners. But in 1987, a compilation of holiday music came out with the biggest names in music titled A Very Special Christmas which is naturally December’s induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame. As an added bonus proceeds from the album were donated to the Special Olympics.

The album was a mixture of rock legends like Bob Seger, with Little Drummer Boy and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band’s rendition of Merry Christmas Baby, granted his version of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town is more associated with him, but the Pointer Sisters version of that song is what appears on the album. The eighties upstarts represented weren’t too shabby either including Madonna appropriately doing Santa Baby and Whitney Houston’s rendition of Do You Hear What I Hear? And long before the genre became mainstream, Run-DMC’s Christmas in Hollis made the tracklist. But the highlight of the album is my personal favorite Christmas song of all time Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by U2.

Five years later, a second volume was released including contributions from Boyz II Men (The Birth of Christ), Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (Christmas All Over Again), and Debbie Gibson (Sleigh Ride). Then in 1997 the third album featured Dave Mathews Band (Christmas Song), Blues Traveler (Christmas), and another personal favorite Hootie and the Blowfish’s rendition of The Christmas Song. 2001 saw the release of the fifth installment and the series also includes Jazz, World Music, Live and Acoustic albums. Today with advent of iTunes you can mix and match your favorites but it would be hard find a better array of Christmas music than that found on the original A Very Special Christmas. Now only had it included The Twelve Pains of Christmas it would have been perfect.

First Impressions: My Boys

After years of syndicating different dramas across different genres and types including a library of probably over a thousand different Law & Order episodes from it dozens of offshoots, TNT started producing original programming including the critically acclaimed The Closer. Now its sister station TBS, which focuses on comedies, has decided to go the original programming route to fill the gap between all those Friends episodes including My Boys.

The show centers around a grown up tomboy, P.J., who spends must of her time with her, well, boys. All of those boys are just platonic and that doesn’t bode well for her love life because apparently numerous boyfriends were scared off by all her male friend that include her whipped married brother, her college roommate and two random dudes that were picked up along the way to round out their poker games, a game that seems like a daily even as they played multiple times over the course of the first two episodes.

The latest inclusion to the gang, and the only recognizable actor as one of Drew Carey’s bosses during the last season of that show, is the new superstar shortstop of their softball team, just some happened to be captained by P.J. And no it’s no a co-ed league either, that’s just how butch she is. Dude also catches P.J.’s eye which leads to the most unrealistic scene ever on television where P.J. starts taking dude’s cloths off in the heat of the moment only for the dude tells her to stop. If you’re a guy and an uber-cute chick starts taking off your clothes, you never, under any circumstance tell her to stop.

Rounding out the cast is the P.J.’s lone female friend who she met in journalism school and just so happens to be the exact opposite and is very much a girlie girl. The friend also was the catalyst for the most blatant product namedrops with the numerous mentions of Match.com who just so happens to sponsors the show. But to P.J.’s journalism degree, not so surprisingly she used it to get a job as a Cubs beat writer for the Chicago Sun Times. Luckily there were no Jay Marriotti sightings yet.

Verdict: As good as you would expect a sitcom for a cable show would be but maybe something worth sticking with and you find it while channel surfing because there were a few good laughs. If you would like to check out the first two episodes check out TBS.com. My Boys airs Tuesdays at 10:00.

I Like This Show, it’s Tawdry week 3

From very early on this season of Veronica Mars I had a sinking suspicion that the rapist world turn out to be different people, the original rapist then the copycat, but having a tandem that were teaming up definitely took me by surprise. And the who experiment conducted by Homer Simpson earlier this season became a little more important when it was insinuated that that was how Mercer and the Fraking RA met (in case you blinked and missed it, Moe was wearing a prisoner’s shirt in the picture and called Mercer “sir” while Mercer referred to Moe as “prisoner”).

Although even with them working together we never did find out who committed the rape over the summer while Mercer was in Mexico. Was it Moe fulfilling his hair fetish while Mercer was out of town? Was it another Lilith fake rape? But Mercer’s Austin Powers type of monologue as why he does it to his passed victim which was about as long as it would take him to get in the girls pants anyways was highly entertaining whether it was supposed to or not. It was over the top I half expected to hear him mutter, “I would have gotten away with it if it not for that meddling blonde” to Moe in the cell before Logan shows up. Speaking of whom, it’s always the highest of high comedy whenever they have the action happen in the background like with him taking a baseball bat to the cop car.

It was a little disappointing that Parker was MIA for most of the episode considering she was the catalyst of the mystery arc. But it was nice that she ended up being the one to save Vee especially after their conversation on how well the rape whistle works. For those that never took any sociology courses, study after study backs up Ronnie’s claim that just because you blow the whistle are state you are in danger, most people won’t stop to help you out. Even in the scene it took a second cry for help before anyone else showed up. I know the serial rapist got a bad rap among some people, but I thought this was a great ending for the arc.

The whole conclusion to the rape was great and all and graduated Right Here, Right Now into iPod status, but the best part of the episode was when we learned that Dean O’Dell’s car mix includes Olivia Newton John’s Have You Ever Been Mellow? I literally did a spit take as they transitioned from Dick on his float to the Dean in his car. Sadly we won’t get to fid out what else is on the Dean’s playlist as he was on the that won’t see the second mystery arc because, well, it looks like he will be the second mystery arc. It’s a shame that he never learned that Chip Diller also got a crack at his wife.

And for everyone who complained about the three mystery season, keep in mind they spent the last six episodes setting up a lengthy list of suspect so figuring out who did it. If you are going to do a multiple arc season this was definitely the way to go as the second mystery started long before we even realized it did. As for the lengthy list of suspects, it’s too early for Oddsmakers (not to mention I just did one) but here’s my list so far in no paricular order:

The Trophy Wife
Professor Landry
Richard Greeko
Lillith House
Chip Diller
The Board of Trustees
Cigar smoking dude
Mercer
The dude from The Nanny
Not-Lucky

Feel free to tell me if there was anyone I missed. Now from this list, Landry, with his back loge of “Plan the Perfect Murder” papers, would be the top suspect. And I would not be at all surprised if the death mirror a certain paper that detailed the killing of the local sheriff; it is the general consensus that that was the subject of Ronnie’s paper right?


And now we get our first break from the show until at least January, but come February the Toss Up between Lost and Veronica Mars will back in full swing.