We on Award Tour: Big in 2006 Awards

Back in October, despite two whole months left, VH1 released it’s nominations for their Big in 2006. The nominations came so early then even had to add some nominees later because they deserved to be mentioned when talking about the year that was. Of course the nominations had to come so early because even though December was just a couple days old the channel held the awards ceremony. Well to be technical that’s just when they aired because the actual awards were likely taped days ago. But anyways. Here are some thoughts from the festivities:

- Even though the latest movie in the franchise was just released you really shouldn’t open up a show about 2006 with a James Bond parody. Although dressing D.L. Hughley up like Boret yet looking more like Steve Harvey was funny. And the monologue was great. Now if only Sorkin would let D.L. write some comedy for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which oddly didn’t receive a mention) imagine how the show could actually be better.

- Whoever decided to pair up Tommy Lee and the cheerleader from Heroes should be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. They hand out the Big Music Artist to Justin Timberlake. Yawn, I’m ready for sexy to go away again.

- Flavor Flav is your backstage announcer for the night and possibly got more screen time than Hughley. I am now convinced that Flav has some compromising pictures of the president of VH1.

- Umm, should I know who Miley Cyrus is? She along with Lance Bass, who somehow escapes from obscurity just for being outed, are out to announce the performance of Fergie. They put this way too early in the show because it’s too soon for a bathroom break. I really hope the Fergie era ends along with 2006 and she takes all the other faux female rappers along with her.

- Wow, Kathy Griffin is looking scarier and scarier by the minute. Give her a wig and five years and she will look exactly like Joan Rivers. Lame segment too.

- Next up are the Dancing with C-Listers losers, the dudes from Blossom and Save by the Bell who give the award for big comeback to another has been who needs a reality show to stay on television, David Hasselhoff.

- Britney Spears wins Big Mama. Keep in mind most of the voting was done before she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and flashing her kootchiepop all over the place. And to think two weeks ago no one thought there was anyway Kevin Federline could win custody of their children and now he actually looks like the better parent.

- Speaking of bad plastic surgery, here comes Jenna Jamison. But this begs the question is it really a bad face lift if no one ever looks at your face? But anyways. Lonelygirl15, who apparently has a real name, Jessica Rose, and cleans up well from all the pajamas she wears to win the Big Web Hit. Now was I just fantasizing are did Jessica ask to make a video with Jenna?

- The Killers are onstage with, like Fergie, the same song they performed at the VMA’s. Oh well, at least it’s the best song off their album. And I really like the last line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus… But more than you’ll ever know.” (Mmm, I wonder if that line will show up later this month.)

- Two actors from various CSI shows give the award for Big Breakthrough to Steven Colbert who despite being on tape is funny as usual as he has a collection of Emmys around. Odd that he pokes fun at the cast of fellow nominee High School Musical yet they weren’t mentioned in the nominee segment.

- Ice-T and his trophy wife is out to announce the best performance of the night: “Weird Al” Yankovic. I was a little disappointed that VH1 didn’t take my advice and have Al perform with Chamillionaire, but this will have to do.

- The Big Shocker goes North Korea testing the bomb. VH1 really dropped the ball by not staging an acceptance speech by bringing in the puppet from Team America.

- The Big Mistakes was another great bit by Hughley, the best being when talking about Mel Gibson blaming all the wars on the Jews, Hughley said, “I didn’t know George Bush is Jewish.” High comedy right there.

- Next out are the dude from Borat not named Borat and Brooke Hogan (it’s time to cut your loses Hulk, Brooke’s music career is officially a failure) to give the Big Reality Star to some chick from Big Brother. Really? There is something ironic (possibly sad) about people who sit around their house watching people sit around a house doing nothing.

- Xzibit announces the Big It-Girl as Katherine McVeigh. I wonder if she’s related to the dude who blew up the building in Oklahoma City.

- Nothing says 2006 like a performance by the dude from Styx. Um, yeah, okay. Apparently he was out to recognize the woman of reality TV, sadly Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge was missing. Although they made up for her absence by closing out the segment with Ms. Jay, that had me on the floor laughing.

- Umm, should I know who Perez Hilton is? Whoever he is, he really needs to invest in a speech coach. And only Paris Hilton would be so starved for the spotlight that she would actually show up to accept an award like Big Outlaw. I wonder if she realizes that we are laughing at her, not with her.

- When did the dude from X-Play start singing for The Fray?

- Nice of VH1 to award Big Entertainer to Dane Cook long after most people believed he stopped being funny. The proof was in his acceptance speech where he too a joke that should have been funny (saying he’d meet up with Lindsay, Paris, and Britney then flash his junk while getting out of a car) only to go way overboard. It’s time to learn about subtlety Dane.

- The last award of the night goes to Kiefer Sutherland for Big TV Star. Yawn. Possibly the most boring VH1 award show ever.


If you watched the Big show you undoubtedly saw some commercials for upcoming VH1 reality shows because that’s all they show anymore. Here I rank them in order of how excited I am about them.

4) I Love New York - A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off; that has to be some sort of record. But even though I’m a huge Flavor Flav guy there is no way you can get me to watch this.
3) Tom Sizmore Show - I missed what the exact title of the show was and oddly there is no mention of it on the VH1 website, but it looks exactly like Breaking Bonaduce but without the wife. Granted there is a reason why I don’t watch that show and won’t be watching this.
2) The Surreal Life Game - The Surreal Life was a complete rip off of The Real World so it was inevitable that it would riff its spin-off, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and just like the RW/RR I’ll watch every minute.
1) The White Rapper Show - It looks like an American Karaoke rip-off with M.C. Search of 3rd Bass as a judge. Seriously, this could be the greatest show in VH1 history. Well maybe not Pop Up Videos good, but close.