March Madness Update

I'm currently 3-1 with all my all my sweet 16 teams still left. The one loss being Alabama, for some reason I thought I had UWM. The is nothing demoralizing than thinking you have an upset, look at your braket and realize you didn't. Luckily they is plenty of green beer to cry in.

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Now I'm at 6-2. Bob Huggins vs. the Big Ten is what hurt me this time. I knew who ever I would pick, I was going to lose. Speaking of losers, here's a quick update of the baseball hearing. McGuire can't speak on anything, oh, and by the way, he' retired. Sosa suddenly can't speak English. Cansaco apparently has a book out. And Congressmen (and women) like to hear themselves talk.

(6:32 PM)

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I was perfect through the last group of games to improve to 10-2 (one upset - granted it was Nevada). The next group is a big one for me with my upset special, UAB.

(9:40 PM)
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Another set of perfect set of games pushing me to 14-2 (two upsets) for day one. With lackluster games to start the toury, they are due for some classics today.

(6:43 AM)

Burn Hollywood Burn

Last night was the season premiere I've wanted to watch for a while, but too cheap to pay for, but lucky for me Bravo has picked up Project Greenlight. For those who are unaware of the series, basically it's Matt Damon & Ben Affleck produce a movie. First they select a screenplay and a director from a group of unknowns (which was the basis of last night's episode), then they document the movie making process. And in the end the movie bombs.

This year they have tried to go for a horror film and even brought in Wes Craven to help out. Although it has became pretty clear that this year's film will most likely tank also. First, against the suggestion of the producers, the studio pushed for the most profitable screenplay. Then for no apparent reason, they picked a director who could possibly be certifiably insane. The movie most likely again suck, but the show should at the very least be interesting.

Since the show got me interested, I had to look up some information on the upcoming shoot. Thanks to IMDB, I was able to spoil some casting news which includes Henry Rollins (whom might make the movie watch able), Krista Allen(who must be happy to be in a movie that doesn't show after midnight on Skinamax), Anthony Criss (or as I like to refer to as Mr. O.P.P.), Judah Friedlander (who is best know for as the hugging guy from the Dave Mathews Band's Everyday video), Jason Mewes (sorry, not Silent Bob), and Clu Gulager (whom I assume is related to before mentioned certifiably insane director). This should be interesting. Maybe they could make up for a poor movie with a soundtrack with Rollins and Naughty By Nature. Just a reminder, Project Greenlight is on Tuesday at 9:00. And since it's on cable, it will be repeated multiple times during the week.

I Got a Basketball Jones

The NCAA brackets have been out for a couple days and after 30-40 hours of deliberation a finally can give my two cents. First thing I noticed about this year's bracket is that the committee put seed is a why to contradict my previous rules for filling out your bracket.

Cincinnati (Rule #1 - Never bet on Bob Huggins) vs. Iowa (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten)
Illinois (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten) playing at Indianapolis; then Chicago if they win their first two games (Rule #5 - Home Court Matters)

So these have really put a wrench into my bracket this year. But I will persevere. Onto my pick. Here are my upset specials for each region:

(13) Ohio over (4) Florida (Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win)
(12) Old Dominion over (5) Michigan St. (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten)
(8) Pacific over (1) Washington (This is a 2nd round match-up, just have a feeling Washington will be the first #1 seed to go down. Granted I have an east coast bias)
(11) UAB over (6) LSU (The Gonzaga Corollary of Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win)

As for my Final Four:

Wake Forest over Illinois
Duke over Kansas

Duke is your 2005 National Champion

One rule I inadvertently left off my previous post is to find out who everyone else has winning and avoid picking them. This year the team to avoid is UNC. Favorites rarely win and if they do, and everyone else picks them, it's less like you will if you look at the odds. If your dark house (not that a #1 seed is that much of a dark horse), it makes it easier too win just from an odds standpoint.

Keep in mind, picks are subject to change up until noon on Thursday.

You Gotta Know When to Hold 'em

Last night was the season finale of ESPN's latest stab at original programming, Tilt. And if you didn't catch the promos where they contently mentioned it, Tilt is from the makers of Rounders. And if you didn't see the promos, you can tell just by watching the show with Eddie Cibrian doing his best Matt Damon impression. It almost seems that Eddie Towne could Mike McDermott before he gave up gambling. And they both were playing for revenge against the bad guy. I seemed to miss why Eddie, or Clark for that matter, held a grudge against the Matador, but that was one of many plot points I didn't pick up. But the big difference between the movie and show were the bad guys. Rounders had the cerebral villain in Teddy KGB where Tilt instead went for the mussel with Don 'The Matador' Everest. Both were perfectly cast. John Malkovich fit the intelligent poker player to a tee where Michael Madsen took being bad to an all new level pulling out all the stops to win short of cutting off some one's ear. In the token hot chick category, Rounders wins in a landslide. It was almost like they took the token hot chick from Rounders, gave her a couple whacks with the ugly stick, and then played her on Tilt. It was such a discrepancy, by the middle of the season they had to bring in a second token hot chick.

As a TV show, Tilt ran into some problems. As mentioned before, the show was had to follow at times and seemed to leave out some important information. They started off the show with an obvious swerve when the black guy attacks the white guy at the poker table. Looking back, the writer may have planned it to be obvious, as the Matador made reference to it after he turned on Eddie. Other burning question that were not answered or I just missed were what did the Iowa cop's brother do to get killed? Or why didn't Lowball threaten blackmail when he fired? Why did the Matador kill Skip himself while the tournament was going on? There were many holes that need to be filled. I even had to check out the website to see who killed themselves in the last episode.

Tilt did have many plot twists that I didn't see coming like killing Seymour off early. The big three being caught when the first tried to bring down the Matador. Clark's friend's secretary being FBI. And they save the best for last when it was revealed that the Matador threw the tournament. The final couple episodes was when the show as a whole pick up in the entertainment department with Norman Chad making he benign comments and the personal profile of the internet player who promptly got bounced in first round. Also, the last couple episode brought us an appearance of the Smoking Man playing a priest of all things.

Tilt 1.x get a on my Terror Alert Scale.

A Long Time Ago... Star Wars Rocked!

It's been a big week for nerds as the onslaught of the new Star Wars has begun. On Thursday, there was the world premiere of the trailer in The O.C. and no I didn't watch the show just to see the trailer. Seriously, I didn't. Survivor was on. (To get a little off subject, it was way too early to vote off the token hot chick.) But thanks to the wonder of the internet, I could check out the trailer that night. On it we get short glimpses of Chewbacca (or at least a Wookie), General Grievous (I think), and the massive forehead Jedi (who will forever remind me of Andy Dick) along with the newly hardcore Anakin. It's nice to see he trades the teen-angst, metro sexual looks for the heroin going through withdrawal look. Even with all the action in the trailer, we still need to watch Episode III to see how Coach Carter and the other Jedi, Natalie Portman (which would top the worst idea to kill off a hot chick since Mandy Moore died in A Walk to Remember. Umm, not that I saw it or anything), Jar-Jar, and the guy from NYPD Blue die. Assuming they all die in course of the movie, not the time in-between Episodes III and IV, which would be a let down. Or even worse, if the characters just disappear. What I'm most interested in seeing is how they turn Hayden Christensen into a black man.

On Sunday, George Lucas had an interview with 60 Minutes which showed about 15 more seconds of the movie that they didn't show in the trailer. The 15 extra seconds did include what looked to be an extended look at General Grievous, who could turn out to be the best part of the movie. But the big news for me was the small tidbit of my favorite Lucas trilogy. No not Episodes IV-VI or even I-III, I'm talking about Indiana Jones (which I guess will officially take it out of the category of trilogy). Unfortunately, there was no major information about my favorite archeologist or even a timeline of when it will happen.

Then next week is the release of the best part of the prequels (so far), Star Wars - Clone Wars, Vol. 1. For those who missed it, Clone Wars were mini episodes chronicling what happens between Episode II and Episode III that aired on the Cartoon Network last fall. A new season starts March 26th, so keep your eyes pealed out for that.

I Know You (Don't) Got Soul

When I was a young boy, A Florida judge banned 2 Live Crew for being obscene and ever since when anytime some one finds something morally offensive or corrupt, I eat it up. South Park is rude, I watched it. Grand Theft Auto is the downfall of Western Civilization, I bought it. Bush is the next Hitler, I voted for him. So when Soul Plane came out and everyone was saying it was the most racist movie ever, I knew I had to see it. So I finally broke out the old Blockbuster Card and gave it a spin on the DVD player. I think I may be getting old because I think the critics were right. The makers of the film claimed that Soul Plane was the black version of Airplane!. But they replayed funny one-liners with overused racial stereotypes.

The movie centers around a gentleman who sues an airline after it kills the dog, which was one of the few funny scenes in the movie (keep in mind no animals were hurt in the making of this movie). He takes the massive settlement to buy his own airline, which his cousin, played by Method Man, who makes some adjustments to the plane. So it now has gold rims, hydraulics, and every ridiculous accessory you would see on Pimp My Ride. And the racial stereotypes don't start there; every black stereotype is brought up. They like chicken - check. They are lazy - check. They like weed - check. They are, umm, well endowed - check. Then sprinkle the rest of the movie with other racial stereotypes. The Arab (alleged) terrorist. The token hot Latina chick (wow, she can dance and likes sex, and that's basically it). The gay guy. The corny, old white guy named Mr. Hunkee. Then there's Mr. Hunkee's son who thinks he's black. And Mr. Hunkee's daughter, who just turned 18. Cue up obligatory Kobe joke.

After an hour of making poor racial jokes (not too mention underutilizing D.L. Hughley and John Witherspoon), they finally get back to something that resembles a plot when pilot, Snoop Dogg, dies (remember it's based on Airplane!) and they need to figure how to land the plane. In the end everyone learns a lesson. And then they form a Soul Train line (sans Don Cornelius).

Soul Plane gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Look at Me, Gotta Be, Centerfield

It looks like my favorite baseball player, Rick Ankiel (and by favorite, I mean the one I like to make fun of the most), has giving up on being a major league pitcher. Really, so soon? It's only been four years since he started pulling his reverse Rick Vaughn impersonation. Come to think of it, has anyone thought of giving Ankiel an eye exam recently. Maybe he could sport the skull glasses. That might help him. I'm sure he could least get into the staring rotation of the California Penal League. Or they could get Bob Uecker to do commentary for the Cardinals. He can't be doing much, right? (OK, enough Major League references.)

But the real tragedy is that now I will have to change my fantasy baseball team from Rick Ankiel's Revenge if he's no longer in the majors (I wonder if Lima Time will be back this year, that's a solid back up plan). Even though he will be trying to switch positions to an outfielder, I really doubt he can make the roster because if he can't throw the ball across the plate, how can he hit the cut-off man? For more Ankiel news, check out these sites:

Did La Russa's strategy spark Ankiel's freefall?
Career change: Ankiel to give outfield a shot
Baseball America: Ankiel as a hitter

Car Mix - March '05

Every once in a while I like to make a CD to play in my car of recent music I'm listening to. Here my most recent CD.

1) Bold as Love - John Mayer (Taken from the Tsunami Aid: Concert of Hope which can be bought on connect.com)
2) Across the Universe - Various Artists (Taken from this year's Grammy awards. Proceeds, like the previous song, goes to Tsunami relief organizations. So don't say I didn't do my part, that's $1.98 right there.)
3) Sunday Morning (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
4) Trouble - Bonnie McKee
5) Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick (Along with Trouble, these were both former Single of the Week on iTunes. Most of them are really good so you should always check them out because you may find gems like these.)
6) Telescope Eyes - Eisley
7) Collide - Howie Day
8) Daughters (Home Demo) - John Mayer
9) Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own - U2
10) Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run (I found this song free at mtv.com. Yet another steal.)
11) Chocolate - Snow Patrol (I was turned onto this band when their song Run was a Single of the Week. Solid album)
12) Work - Jimmy Eat World
13) Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
14) Boulevard of Broken Songs - Green Day vs. Oasis (One of the best mash-up that I have heard in a while. It's built around the Green Day song and has hints of Oasis' Wonderwall and throws in some Travis and Aerosmith to round out the song. Highly recommended if you can hunt it down.)
15) Why [Remix] - Jadakiss, Common, Styles P and Nas
16) Jesus Walks - Kanye West, Common & Mase
17) Twisted (Remix) - Mobb Deep, Jae Millz, Joe Budden
18) Drop it Like it's Hot (Lil John Remix) - Snoop Dogg

Fat Bottom Girls Make the World Go Round

Showtime ended it's free weekend with a movie that I have wanted to see for a while but didn't really want to actually pay for it, Super Size Me. So, thank you, Showtime for finally providing me with something to watch during Monday's dismal T.V. programming schedule. Even though I really didn't really learn anything new about a McDonald’s diet, even McDonalds Inc. admitted that it is common knowledge that their food is not good for you; there were aspects of the film that surprised me. First, and foremost, was the school for at risk school that served the healthy food. My surprised is how the food preparation is competitive in price with other meal programs yet very few school systems implement it. It doesn't take a nutritionist to know that sugary foods have a negative impact on kids' attitudes. But Morgan Spurlock alludes to why this doesn't change: big business (i.e. Coke, McDonalds et al) owns are government thru donations and lobbyists.

Even though Super Size Me is not as funny as the other major documentary from last year, there are some funny parts to the movie. His irritated girlfriend was always good for a chuckle especially how his diet affected their sex life (or lack there of). It does utilize music that much, but when it does, the songs are a perfect fit. The movie opens to Fat Bottom Girls while describing how obese our country is. Then later in the film during a segment on food addition, they started playing the old Superfly song, Pusherman. Perfect fit.

Overall it was a decent documentary, very educational. Brings to light one of the biggest (no pun intended) epidemics in America that is severely under discussed. One of my favorite parts of the movie is when a doctor talks about how it socially acceptable to tell smokers how unhealthy that it is but it isn't to point out the health risks of obesity. Very true yet very ignored. The one place where I feel the move disappoints is that Spurlock is quick to talk about how bad McDonalds is for you but doesn't spend that much time on giving the audience a healthy alternative or ways to combat obesity. Hopefully Spurlock didn't ignore this but instead was saving it for the sequel, Un-Super Size Me, which chronicles the 9 months it took him to get back to his pre-McDonalds diet weight.

Super Size Me gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

29% is still a little too high for me. I think it't that darn mullet I sported during middle school.

I am 29% White Trash.

The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom

Who Said the Best Things in Life are Free?

Apparently those people who say the best things in life are free haven't checked out the Showtime free preview. They have shown a bunch of movies I would never had paid for, but, hey, it's free. Some movies of note that I've seen would be Bulletproof Monk, which was surprisingly good, even though the martial arts scenes were not as fluid as recent imports. Then came Barbershop II: Back in Business a poor sequel to a decent movie. The problem with the second movie is that it copies the first movie but leaves out the best part of the original movie, the Anthony Anderson subplot. Without a decent subplot to take you out of the barbershop, the rest of the movie falls flat. But on Sunday, Showtime brings out the murderers row of bad "romantic comedies," A Guy Thing, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Uptown Girls. You could not pay me to see any of those movies.

You would think with around 20 channels they would always have something on. Granted half of the channels are just the other channels on a three hour delay with West added to the channel's name. This begs some questions:

Are the West channels even necessary?
Can't they delay the movies like every other normal channel?
Can you opt of the West channels and get money back?
Do people on the west coast get Showtime East?
If so, do the kids get to see the "late night programming" at 8:00?

Those questions are going to bug me for a while. But in addition to movies I didn't want to see when they were in theaters or even when they cam out on DVD, Shows that are not good enough to be on HBO, and Usher in concert (Um, I'll pass. I could fill up blog in itself on his rise in popularity) there are the movies I've never heard of. I was watching one the other night and who pops up but Eric Stoltz. Not only does he pop up, but promptly dies. I am now convinces that Eric Stoltz has a bit part in every movie I have never heard of (or stars Eric Roberts). Racking my brain to name movies I've seen Eric Stoltz in, I cold only come up with Mask (the one with Cher, not Jim Carrey), and think he was in the sequel of Jeff Goldblum version of The Fly.

Well I got to go; Fat Actress is on (Kirstie Alley begging John Travolta to do Look Who's Talking 4 - that's pure humor right there).

He (Still) Hate Me

The NFL recently took the word "Gay" off their list of forbidden word that can be put on the back of their jerseys. But the big news is not was taken off the list but what is still on. On the list of about 1100 word the would make every middle schooler or frat boy giggle is Rod Smart's old XFL slogan, "HeHateMe." Hold grudges long, NFL?

Oh, and ladies, I'm sorry to inform you that "Lesbo" is still on the list too.

It's March Madness Baby!

It's my favorite time of the year, St. Patrick's Day, my birthday, Peeps (during the occasional March Easter), spring training, Shamrock Shakes, and most importantly March Madness. I'm actually coming off my best outing ever coming in third in the office pool. So I figured I would pass on my college basketball wisdom on to you. Even though Selection Sunday is still a good two weeks away there are a few rules you can abide by every year without having to see the bracket.

Rule #1 - Never bet on Bob Huggins. Cincinnati never seems to get pass the first weekend and I think it is safe to assume Mr. Drunk Driving is the reason why. And since they are usually an 8 seed or higher, Cincinnati is always good for upset points.

Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten. It's never a good idea to trust institutions of higher learning that can't count and the Big Ten backs that philosophy up. It's always guaranteed that at the end of the first weekend, when they show the breakdown of how the all the major conferences did, the Big Ten always has the worst record. Then everyone questions why they got so many bids, and then the next year they still get 4-6 more bids to the Big Dance. And that means 3-5 more upset points for us.

Rule #3 - Duke always makes it to the Sweet 16. Coach K is the anti-Huggins. One guy never sees the second weekend while the other has his hotel booked for his second site. Some people may argue that Duke is an automatic Final Four pick every year, and that would be a good bet most years but Sweet 16 is a guarantee when it comes to Duke.

Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win. As a product of the Mid-American Conference, I am very aware of this rule. Every year the Mac is overlooked and draws a 10-12 seed then knocks off the 5-7 seed (usually an at large bid from an overrated conference) thus racking up the upset points.
The Gonzaga Corollary - To go a step further on Rule #4, always pick any lower Mid Major seed vs. a 4th or lower from a major conference. Most major conferences do not deserve 4 or more bids and prove with early exits from those teams.

Rule #5 - Home Court Matters. College Basketball is the sport where home court/field advantage is most prominent. Yes, I know there is no home court advantage in March Madness because they play on neutral courts, but when you (or your fans) have to travel less than 50 miles to get to get to the game than you are at a distinct advantage. So when you are filling out your brackets pay close attention where the first weekend games are taken place.

Check back later for more rules to be added. Maybe.

Best. Oscars. Ever.

O.K. I don't have basis for making that statement due to this was the first time I have watched more than five minutes of the award show. Chris Rock was on point for most of the night though not as good as his Video Music Awards appearances. I guess it’s easier to come up with Brittney Spears jokes that it is to make jokes about Cate Blanchett or Scarlett Johansson. Best joke of the night goes to the upcoming Catwoman II. Although I found it interesting that Rock said he wasn't going to make Bush jokes then proceeded to compare his presidency to the Gap. Here are some other random thoughts on the night's festivities:

- Morgan Freeman wins the obligatory "You should have won for another film (Shawshank Redemption) so we will give you one now" annual award.

- Beyoncé performs with a boy's choir. T.I. still remains the softest artist she's performed with.

- Even when playing a stripper, Natalie Portman exudes more class than her all of the girls her age.

- Did I miss Leonardo DiCaprio having a stroke? It looked like the right side of his mouth wasn't moving as if he has a stroke.

- I not sure what was more entertaining, having all the nominees on stage or awarding the people at their seats. And who decided which awards were awarded how? The Cinematography people got the award the old fashion way. Really? Did the draw the shortest straw or something? And some of the awards on stage were not able to fit all the nominees.

- I wonder if Michael Moore would have stood on stage with the other documentary nominees.

- What with a happy Counting Crows song? Please bring back 'Round Here, A Long December Counting Crows.

- Jake Gyllenhaal gets introduced as the star of The Day After Tomorrow. Isn't there a better intro for him? Wait a minute, a look at imdb.com there really isn't much to pick from. Bubble Boy anyone? They might as well introduced him as the guy who dated Kirsten Dunst.

- Was that Vin Diesel with hair in the Sidney Lament tribute?

- Beyoncé is singing a song written for a guy. Interesting pick

id anyone else notice the director of the Oscar's orchestra giving an obscene gesture?

- Best non-Rock moment of the night - someone waking up one of the Best Short Film nominees.

- Interesting that one of the awards given at the seats was given to the only nominee without an isle seat. I would have taken that as a sign that I wasn't going to win.

- During my Grammy blog I wondered about the thing on the back of Jamie Foxx's head and I'm pretty sure that it is a tattoo. I think it may be a lighting bolt. I really need a better look at that thing.

-On another Foxx note I have not seen Ray (like every other nominated film) nor plan on ever seeing it for two reason. Number one being that I boycott all bio flicks. Why would anyone want to see Will Smith in Ali when you can see When We Were Kings instead. The real thing is always better than a Hollywood film that over exaggerates the story. Secondly I will never see another Jamie Foxx film until I get the hour and a half of my life back that I lost watching Booty Call.

- It is out that they would have Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek to present the sound awards considering I couldn't understand a word they said. But when it comes down to it, who really cares what they say.

- Beyoncé performs with some dude named Josh Grobin. T.I. still the softest artist Beyoncé has performed with. This being her third performance of the night begs the question why? I can't believe the Black Eyed Peas were not available to do the Phantom of the Opera song, and then proceed to combine it with Let's Get Retarded it Started.

Is it just me or is Melanie Griffith looking more and more like the cat woman every year?

- The Academy really needs to stop giving Hilary Swank awards before she become to big to do "Karate Kid Part IV, Hilary vs. Daniel Son".

- They introduce Samuel Jackson as Coach Carter. Now I now there is a better introduction for him, Jules, Frozone, Officer Tenpenny, even Mace Windu would be a better introduction.

- In the end, Million Dollar Baby win the Best Picture. I still would have voted for Dodge Ball.

Things Tham Make You Go MMM

I was at Burger Kong today going through the drive-thru window and I actually heard the person working the window say to a car behind me, "No cheese will cost extra." How can wanting less cost more? How does this even make sense?

I was going to make an Oscar prediction blog but came to the realization that I have not seen one picture that was nominated. Seriously, how could Dodge Ball not get a nod? I will be watching, a least some just to see what Chris Rock says. It should be good. Even the Video Music Awards haven’t been good since he last hosted.

I'm Sooooooooooooooooooooo Moving On

I spent a lot of time in my last blog blasting some recent music that has really bugged me. But not all music I find corny music I find absolutely horrible. Case in point is the latest song by Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone. Yes I know Kelly Clarkson is a glorified karaoke contest winner. I know this song totally rips off the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Maps. I know this song doesn't come close to the best "I Hate You" tune, Song for the Dumped. I know most of her music is unbearable. But there is something about the song that makes it so corny that it becomes enjoyable. I have pinpointed that exact place to where she sings, "I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo moving on." It's soooooooooooooooooo bad that it become a great karaoke song in it own right, up their with ...Baby One More Time or a fat guy in a baritone voice singing I Feel Pretty (that one kills me every time). Sooooooooooooooooo for everyone who is ashamed to have Since U Been Gone on your iPod, I now make it sociably acceptable. Unfortunately I can't help you out with your Céline Dion fixation. Sorry.

If You Know What I Mean

I have this friend who is a master at the single entendre. And of course he always finishes with the obligatory "If you know what I mean." And, sadly, I always do. Now this phrase has seeped into one of the worst pop song in recent memory, Destiny's Child's Soldier. Now I was totally on the Destiny's Child bandwagon circa the Survivor era. During my Best Songs of 2001 countdown DC charted 3 times (Bootylicious - #6; Survivor - #8; Emotions - #43) and Beyoncé has made my countdown in recent years by herself. But Soldier is just bad on so many levels. First of which is the previously mentioned, "... if you know what I mean." And in the song it preceded by, "Known to carry big things..." As much as I don't want to, sadly I know what they mean. But there are things they talk about that I don't know what they mean. Like, "He knows how to split the money three ways." What do they mean by that? Does that mean the three girls get the money while the guy gets none? It makes no logical sense.

Then there are the rappers. First up you have T.I. whom for some reason thinks he is hard. I have no respect for a rapper who claims he's hard but when it comes down to it I could beat him in a fight. The guy even wears his hats like Antoine Merriwether of "Men on Film" fame. Then there is Lil' Wayne, who already violates one of my rules for rapper stating that all rappers with Lil' in their names suck massively (i.e. Lil' Bow Wow, Lil' Kim, Lil' Romeo and so on). Then to make thing worse, the Lil' one raps "Cash Money is an army. I'm walking with purple hearts on me." Um, does he not realize that there is real war going on right now where real soldier are earning purple hearts, not just rapping about it in a corny pop song? I doubt Lil' Wayne or the Antoine Merriwether wannabe could last one day as a real soldier.

There is another song that as might as well have a "if you know what I mean" in it, 50 Cent's Candy Shop. The line in question is, "I'll let you lick the lollipop." Or, "I'll melt in your mouth not in your hand." How sophomoric. Is this the same guy how wrote the eternally clever How to Rob? Of course that was back in the "Bashing Ja Rule" days. Unfortunately 50 has slowly become Ja Rule. Have a female R&B artist sing your hooks - check. Tell the female singer to "keep it between me and you" - check. Run with a talent less crew - check. Appeal to fourteen year old white girls - check. It's about time to have an intervention for 50 before he does a video based on a musical ala Mesmerized or worse a duet with Jennifer Lopez.

NyQuil, We Love You, You Giant *cough*ing Q

It seems I've recently been bitten by the flu bug. But don't cry for me Argentina, the flu means I can partake in the greatest part of the flu season, NyQuil. There is nothing better than what a wise man once called the "Green Death Flavor." Then the marketing geniuses at Vick came up with the greatest marketing ploy of all time, package NyQuil with its own shot glass. How did this trend not seep into the liquor aisle? Although Vicks couldn't let a good thing alone and thus we also now have DayQuil. And this is where the problem lies. I wake up in the morning and take DayQuil. Then when it's time to go to bed, break out the shot glass and down some NyQuil. It's like I turned into Elvis. And we all know how the movie ended. There can't possibly be a worse way to die.

Talking about drugs, anyone think it's a coincidence that a couple weeks after implicating President Bush saying he knew about the rampant steroid use when he owned the Rangers and now it turns out Jose Canseco owns money in back taxes? Something to ponder.

Good Riddance

In a recent post I mention that there three actions I took when I first started Madden 2005. One was to dump Butch Davis for Romeo Crennel. Today the Browns took another page out of my playbook by dropping Jeff Garcia. (Now if only the real Lee Suggs wasn't injury proned as cyber Suggs, the Browns could drop William Green too.) Hopefully the Brown's learn from Garcia's mistake and not pick up other old stiff for like Drew Bledsoe, Brad Johnson, Rich Gannon, or Kurt Warner for big money. I say suffer through another season with the combination of Kelly Holcomb and Luke McCown, use the draft picks on an Offensive Line, and then try to find a quality QB. And for anyone who feels like questioning any of Crennel's moves, take note of this picture:

Genius Loves Company (and Trophies)

Grammy Awards were this past weekend. I went 14 for 25 in my predictions. Ouch, that's about as good as Bush's approval rating. Well maybe not that bad. Here are some of my random thoughts on the festivities:

8:00 - Surprise, surprise, the Black Eyed Peas start things off with "Let's Retarded Get It Started." Where have I heard that song before? Mmm.

8:02 - Gwen Stefani and Eve take the stage. Guided Track Alert! Everyone rips on Ashlee Simpson for her guided track on SNL but you never hear about the others who do the same thing. Granted everyone else don't have drummers who are not smart enough to press the right button. But there is a good thing that has come out of the "Fiddler on the Roof" ripoff, the hot dancer in the iTunes commercial. Can we get that girl a starring role in something?

8:05 - Nice to see the Los Lonely Boys are out of jail. But was anyone surprised that one of them got caught with weed. It really wasn’t a question of if but when.

8:08 - It's interesting that some cable channels censer when Maroon 5 says, "coming" while network TV doesn't. If you hear the song and think of something dirty you, and the people who think SpongBob Squarepants, are the ones with the dirty mind. But with that said, I did call the FCC just to see if the would do anything. I wonder if I get a finders fee. If they are going to start fining stations $500,000 then the whistle blowers should get a cut.

8:09 - Black Eyed Peas "Get Retarded It Started" again. Yeah.

8:10 - The best band ever named after some one who started a World War, Franz Ferdinand take the stage. Cue "I Love the 80's" theme music.

8:11 - Cool ending with the mixing of all the songs that were previously play although Miss Guided Vocals was not surprisingly missing from the others who were playing live. Mash-up artist - your move. This performance begs the question, "Why don't they offer these once in a lifetime song on a CD or for download?" Who doesn’t want to hear that opening again? Well, minus the Stefani part.

8:12 - Ellen gets a first row seat. Who does the seating arraignments?

8:14 - Queen Latifah makes an appearance. Worst. Host. Ever. Unless you count the Wayans Brothers.

8:19 - If there is one rule that always holds up throughout Grammy history is if you just performed, you will win the next award if you were nominated. But the Grammy’s put a wrench into this rule when three bands in the opening medley were up for the first award. One of them won anyways but so I don't know if this counts or not.

8:24 - Survivor starts this week. Most. Surprising twist. Ever. Or so I'm told. It always seems the Survivor "twist" tend not to be too exciting.

8:25 - The first of 572 Lifetime Achievement Awards is passed out. If they pass that many out a year, Limp Bizkit could win one by 2054.

8:26 - Alicia Keys performs with an orchestra securing her in the Best Grammy Performance Hall of Fame. Then Jamie Fox comes out and he and Keys do their best Elton John/Billy Joel impersonations. Did anyone else notice the weird thing on the back of Foxx's head? Was it a tattoo? Did he shave something in the back? I need the answer to this or it will keep me up at night.

8:30 - Barely a half an hour in and we've already had a third Ellen in the crowd shot. Seriously, is there a reason for this, are the producers purposely trying to mess with my head?

8:33 - It looks like Nelly has raided André 3000's closet.

8:35 - In a ceremony held earlier today, Grammy’s went out to... Bill Clinton? Sadly he isn't even the first Clinton to win a Grammy, Hilary beat him to it. I really need to start recording audiobooks so I can get my own Grammy.

8:41 - Bono can make anything sound cool. He's become the white James Earl James.

8:46 - First token "crazy coupling" of the evening with Mark McGrath (does he still have a band?), Penelope Cruz (quick, name one of her movies not entitled "Blow") and Pharrell (what would a Pharrell sighting be without the obligatory Startrac plug?).

8:57 - It's time for the heavily plugged Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony duet. That could only mean I thing - bathroom break. Too bad I didn't have to go longer because I caught the tail end and I'm beginning to understand the whole guided vocal track idea because Lopez cannot carry a tune.

9:02 - Now it's the Southern Rock tribute with today country stars. Um, I just used my bathroom break. Well, let's see what going on at "Desperate Housewives." Ooo, Frumpy Spice's husband forgot Valentine's Day.

9:17 - Now Queen Latifah is going to sing. They must have put all the horrible music at 9:00 knowing people were going to switch to "Desperate Housewives." Speaking of which, let's see what's going on. Sweet, token hot chick is in lingerie. Than you Queen for sucking so much.

9:21 - Looks like Hoobastack is picking up the Worst. Band name. Ever. Award. Wait; no they are presenting Best New Artist with Tyra Banks whom seems to be a good foot taller than all the band members. Kanye West seemed a little too upset for losing the Most. Cursed award. Ever. I'm sure if he really wants a Best New Artist Grammy, he could buy Milli Vanilli's on E-Bay.

9:30 - Out to introduce Green Day is Quentin "I've spent too much time hanging out with the Wu-Tang Clan" Tarantino in his new ghetto apparel.

9:34 - Holy Ricky Martin sighting! I haven't seen him in a while. Remember it was not too long ago when he owned the Grammy’s.

9:40 - Kanye West performs with a Staple Sister, John Legend, the Blind Boys of Alabama and his mom. I must stress again they really need to put these performances on iTunes or something.

9:51 - On cue, Kanye wins the Grammy after performing. Extra points for the Al Bundy reference.

10:00 - Janis Joplin tribute featuring Joss Stone and... a bald Melissa Etheridge. Wow, wasn't expecting that.

10:12 - Tim McGraw takes the stage. Mmm, "Desperate Housewives" is over. Let's see what's happening on "Celebrity Fit Club." Judge Mablean lost six pounds this week. Get back to the Grammy’s just in time to see McGraw's one person standing obviation. I guess it wasn't quite Kanye West's performance where everyone in the house stood up. Oh, and the one person standing, his wife.

10:27 - John Mayer continues his "I want to be Jimi Hendrix" phase with a power trio version of "Daughters."

10:36 - In a ceremony held earlier today, U2 picked up Best Rock Song, a songwriters award, for “Vertigo." A great song, but a songwriting award shouldn't go to a song that starts out with "one, two, three, fourteen" in Spanish.

10:38 - In the first blatant CBS plug on the show, Anthony LaPaglia introduces a bunch of Gammy nominees singing the Beatles "Across the Universe" led by Bono. Finally a song I can download on iTunes. Now where is Kanye West, U2 or Alicia Keys' performances?

10:46 - Now when Stevie Wonder took off his glasses to "read" the winner was funny when he did it years ago, but now it's time for new material. I feel now people are just giving him a courtesy laugh.

10:54 - Usher continues his "I want to be Michael Jackson" phase. (Insert "keep young boys away from Usher" jokes here.)

10:59 - Nothing better when the orchestra tries to cut some one's acceptance speech and they keep talking. How can you cut off some one speaking for a dead guy anyways?

11:10 - Cheesy Old Guy Alert! Why is the Grammy’s always headed by a guy whose only band they've been in was the marching band in high school. Of course Cheesy Old Guy brings up illegal downloading. When will these people realize that the music business is slumping because the music they put out sucks not because of downloading?

11:14 - Nice to see the Grammy’s remembered Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Big Baby Jesus, aka Osirus, aka Dirt McGirt, aka Joe Bannanas, aka Dirt Dog, aka Unique Ason) during those have passed tribute considering he was the reason for the most entertaining moment in Grammy’s history when he bum rushed Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech shouting "Wu-Tang's for the children."

11:24 - To present Album of the Year are Grammy Award winner Bonnie Raitt and... Gary Sinise. Um, yeah, that makes sense. To nobody's surprise, Ray Charles wins proving there is no better way to sell records than to die.

11:28 - And we are done so it's time to pass out my awards:

Best Performance - Kanye West et al.

Best Acceptance Speech - Kanye West

Best Dressed (Female) - Alicia Keys

Best Dressed (Male) - Anthony Hamilton

Worst Dressed - Sheryl Crow