10 Remakes I Would Pay to See

It was announced this week that Warner Bros. was moving forward with its reboot of Gremlins which was met by everyone over thirty with a resounding, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Now I do not have a blind hatred of remakes but you have to be weary of them because it is clear that the movie executives put no thought into these movies other than, “people love the original so we can con people into watching a newer version even if it sucks.” So they usually spend their entire budget on acquiring on the rights to the original subject and put little time and effort into the writing, directing, or the casting which is how the Footloose remake ended up with a lead that had about a tenth of the charisma that Kevin Bacon had. Or they take what was great in the first film and replace it with something lame like changing the tractor duel to a bus derby duel (to be fair, Julianne Hough was an upgrade over Lori Singer). I have just resigned to the fact that the Gremlins reboot will be in CGI when the charm of the original was they looked like something you could have gotten down at Toy’s R Us. And this is why the Star Wars prequels did not work, why you CGI everything to death you take the heart out of the story.

What movie executives do not realize, if they actually take known properties that people love and give them to directors who know what they are doing and cast it with actors people know and actually like, they could make a lot more money. Just look at what Christopher Nolan did for the Batman franchise or Sam Mendes with James Bond. Now I really am not much of a behind the scenes but I do spend way too much time thinking up fake movie casting. Yeah, a Gremlins remake may sound horrible at face value, but how about a Gremlins reboot starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Phoebe Cates, Adam Brody as Zach Galligan, and Mr. Wu from Deadwood as the creepy Asian dude? I’d watch that. And maybe even enjoy it if they opt for animatronics over CGI (get Guillermo del Toro to direct or produce and he will definitely avoid CGI).

Periodically I come up with fake movie casting and share them on Facebook, unfortunately this has not led to some studio hiring to head me for their Reboot Department (even though they have taken my advice when it came to casting Tyra Collette as Wonder Woman, Lyla Garrity in the Charlie’s Angels reboot, and hiring Sara Bareilles as a judge on The Sing-Off). So I thought I would round up a list of my favorite fake remakes for you. And for any movie studios out there, I have many more ideas and I am still available to head up your Reboot Department.


1. A female version of Lord of the Flies starring Loretta McCready (Justified), Arya Stark (Game of Thrones), Hit Girl (Kick-(Expletive Deleted)), Alex Dunphey (Modern Family), Sally Draper (Mad Men), and Dana Brody (Homeland). Movie executives will have to come up with a better title than Lady of the Flies on their own.

2. Against All Odds reboot staring Ryan Gosling as Jeff Bridges, Emma Stone as Rachel Ward, and Joseph Gordon Levitt as James Woods with John Mayer covering the theme song. (Honestly about ninety percent of my fake movie ideas involve Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.)


3. Three Men and a Baby reboot with Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), Steve Stifler (American Pie), and Dick Casablancas (Veronica Mars).

4. A gender bending reboot of Spies Like Us starring Kristen Bell and Alison Brie with Adele covering the Paul McCartney theme song.

5. Swimf@n reboot starring Haley Dunphey (Modern Family) as Erika Christensen, Tessa Altman (Suburgatory) as Shiri Appleby, and Jason Street (Friday Night Lights) as the boring dude.


6. The Cannonball Run reboot featuring the teams of Adam Sandler and Chris Rock, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Trya Collette and Lyla Garrity, Charles Barkley and Shaq; oh yeah, and Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds with teammate Burt Reynolds.

7. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead remake starring Ashley Benson (Pretty Little Liars) as Christina Applegate, Dylan from Modern Family as the older brother, Loretta McCready (Justified), Brick Heck (The Middle), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), and Mrs. Blankenship (Mad Men) as the dead babysitter.


8. A gender switching reboot of Weekend at Bernie's starring Emma Stone, Haley Dunphy and Kristin Wiig as Bernadette.

9. Innerspace reboot starring McLovin’ (Superbad) as Martin Short, Kristen Bell as Meg Ryan, and Ryan Gosling as Dennis Quaid.


10. Two of a Kind reboot starring Nathan Fillion as John Travolta, Hilary Duff (who would also remake Twist of Fate for the soundtrack) as Olivia Newton-John, Ernie Hudson as Ernie Hudson and Olivia Newton-John as God.

I Want My Music Videos: 5/20/13

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Brave - Sara Bareilles


Oh Sara Bareilles, I love you and all, but if being brave meas dancing like a fool in public, I would rather be a coward.


Here's to Never Growing Up - Avril Lavigne


I hate to break it to Avril Lavigne, only grown ups sing Radiohead and carry around a boom box.


Blowin' Smoke - Kacey Musgraves


Since Alice from Alice just popped up in the upcoming horrible show with Sean Hayes, I have been thinking about the show lately and I have to say I am a bit disappointed that none of the waitresses in the video said, “Kiss my gritz.” I am also slightly disappointed that McG did not direct this video, because the bridge would have been a great place for Kacey Musgraves to break out into a cheesy dance sequence.


Final Warning - Skylar Grey


And I thought the over sexualized video that Skylar Grey last made was weird, this just took it to another level. This album is going to be one schizophrenic mess, hopefully in a good way.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 5/19/13

Once Upon a Time: Well I hit the big goose egg when predicting what would happen last week. I thought that Bay would turn out to be Peter Pan and the portal he fell into would take him back to Neverland. I also thought we would not learn this until another season (or five). Instead it looks like his son Henry will turn out to be Peter Pan. And I would have never guessed that the shadowy figure behind the anti-magic collision would turn out to be an actual shadow. Mostly because that makes little sense. Wouldn’t Neverland be in the same suspended animation all the other magical realms were in during the curse? How did Owen then hook up with the Shadow?
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Once Upon a Time on iTunes.

Revenge: As confusing and boring as the sophomore season was, that was a really good season finale. First and foremost they actually killed off the annoying and useless Declan (I was hoping Charlotte would follow suit but she is pregnant, maybe she will die during childbirth). Then after an entire season of teasing, we finally learn what The Initiative is up to, sure it was silly but it sounds like we are done with them now that Conrad was elected. And now Emily can team up with Jack to take down the Grayson’s (hopefully next season starts after the phase where Jack is mad at her for lying to him). Unfortunately Aiden is still around, somehow being able to pin the bombing on Nolan instead. I did not think I would say this a week ago, but I am actually excited for season three.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Revenge on iTunes.

Mad Men: During Don's hotel escapade I kept expecting him to tell Sylvia to punch him. Which begs the question, at what point in the relationship does Don ask a woman to punch him? Or is that just reserved for call girls?
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

The Voice: After the unceremonious booting of Caroline Glaser last week, I had no desire to watch the parade of country and RnB singers America saved last week. But I needed something to fill my time in between How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, and Castle so I gave it another try (because what else could have I done: read?) and a small part of me hoped they would have a “shocking” twist and bring Caroline back. Alas it was not meant to be. Apparently The Voice Gods were not happy with her elimination either because there was some sort of air conditioning problem this week. As for what I saw, the show was still as boring as I expected. Actually worse. Seriously, two songs by Martina McBride and Michael Jackson? Where is the diversity this season? Remember when they had country and RnB singers mixed in with rocker chicks, folk dudes, an opera dude, and a weird indie chick? Now they cannot even diversify the song selection. The hour I spent in between scripted shows would have been better spent watching Caroline’s videos on her YouTube page. Here is m personal favorite from her channel.


How I Met Your Mother: Wow, we actually got to meet the mother. It was also a bit surprising that they cast some random chick instead of at the very least a Hey I Know That Chick actress like his previous girlfriends like Allison Williams, Sarah Chalke Rachel Bilson, Jennifer Morrison, and most recently Abby Elliot. Even half of his one off dates were recognizable names (Ted really liked pop singers: Mandy Moore, Katy Perry, Britney Spears). Now the question is when will Ted meet the mother. The show really likes messing with the timeline so I will not be surprised if the wedding does not actually happen in the season premiere. Maybe the entire last season will be the previous eight years of all the close run in’s Ted had with the mother culminating with the wedding in the series finale.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

Castle: Beckett will not actually turn down a great job just because Castle proposed, will she? And it is not like he cannot move to Washington.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes.

Nashville: Stupid promo monkeys. Of course Dante was going to be the one that died. Had you not told us someone would die, the death would have actually been shocking. Okay, Juliette’s mom following him to Hades was a bit shocking. And it was only a matter of time before Maddie’s paternity would come out, the only question was when and how and we finally got that this week when she found a paternity test saying the person she thought was her father is not. That should put a kink in the new Rayna / Deacon when Maddie theorizes to Deacon that she may be his daughter next week.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Nashville on iTunes.

The Big Bang Theory: So the big season finale twist is that Raj can now talk to woman without the aide of alcohol? Alrighty.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Hannibal: The show has had some creepy kills early in its run, but I am not sure they will ever be able to find a more disturbing killing than trying to play some dude’s vocal cords as a cello. Kudos Bryan Fuller.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.

Best of the Week: 5/18/13

Quote of the Week: I didn’t poison you, Tobias. I wouldn’t do that to the food. (Hannibal Leckter, Hannibal)

Song of the Week: Simple Song – The Shins (How I Met Your Mother)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Scandals, Scandals, and More Scandals: The week started as usual as the nutjob fringe in Congress trying to repeal Obamacare for the thirty-seventh time and held even more hearing on Benghazi even though I was under the impression the discussion ended when Obama embarrass Romney in the debates over the subject. Except there ended up being an actual scandal this week (or two depending on how you feel about the government wiretapping your phone) when we learned that IRS were targeting conservative groups. Although I am surprised that other people are surprised that the IRS went after groups that actively try to put IRS agents out of their jobs, I would be surprised if they did not. That is why you will never hear me say anything bad about the IRS because I have no desire ever to be audited.

Free Download of the Week: Ocean and Sky – Jane Marczewski (Noise Trade)

Deal of the Week: Albums $2.99 and Up: Get cheap albums from R.E.M., Eric B. and Rakim, Daft Punk, and Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears.


New Album Release of the Week: Random Access Memories - Daft Funk

New DVD Release of the Week: Side Effects

Video of the Week: The networks released trailers for all their new shows this week (see The Five Most (and Least) Anticipated New Shows of Fall 2013) except the most noteworthy television show trailer released this week was that for Arrested Development season four hitting Netflix next Sunday, all fifteen new episodes. Sure it is funny, but it just kind of feels different. Not better, not worse, just different. Now I wonder when (or if) season four will be released on DVD or should I just finally redeem the one month free offer Netflix e-mails every once and a while to watch it.


Next Week Pick of the Week: Nashville, Wednesday at 10:00 on ABC: Most every show had its finale last week but Nashville is the one holdovers and if the penultimate episode is any indication, the first season will go out with a bang: Juliette’s mom killed her blackmailer before overdosing, Maddie leaned her father is not really her father, Tandy looked to overthrow her father but Lamar has other ideas, and Gunner and Scarlett broke up (while Avery looks like he is getting back into her good graces). If some of these big plot twists were sprinkled throughout the season instead of saved for the end, it may have been more enjoyable. Brad Paisley is also set to guest star but no word yet if he will be performing Accidental Racist.

Around the Tubes: 5/17/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on The Big C: Hereafter, The Bridge, The Tonight Show, Seventeen, Vice, The Last Stand, Stand Up Guys, Side Effects, and Finding Home.

- The Big C: Hereafter kicks off its final four episodes starting Monday and you can take a look at the premiere below:


- As we get closer to the July 10 premiere of The Bridge, FX has released a new promo to get you ready:


- NBC’s New Fall Sweeps is giving fans a chance to win the trip of a lifetime! RIGHT NOW through June 13th, fans can enter to win a trip for two to Los Angeles to attend one of the final tapings of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and a trip for two to New York City to attend one of the premiere tapings of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon! To enter, fans must follow NBC’s six new Fall series on Twitter. Each follow is an entry; fans can follow all six shows and be entered six times! The six profiles featured in the sweepstakes are: @NBCBlacklist, @NBCIronside, @NBCDracula, @MichaelJFoxShow, @SeanSavesWorld, and @NBCWelcome. This sweeps not only gives fans a chance to be a part of Tonight Show history – but it also keeps them up-to-date on all the latest and greatest from our new Fall shows! We’d love your help in spreading the word… and make sure you don’t miss on entering either!

- Pretty Little Liar’s Lucy Hale covers this month’s issue of Seventeen where she talks about the upcoming season of the ABC Family show and about starting a country music career. For more on Lucy, go to seventeen.com/Lucy and pick up the June/July issue of Seventeen, on newsstands May 21st.

- Coming this Friday on VICE: Thomas heads to Indonesia where they don't think smoking causes cancer, but instead cures it. Then, Shane travels from New York to Mexico where an addict tries to stop using the most addictive drug in the world, by using the scariest drug in the world. Check out a preview below:


- New to DVD and / or Blu-Ray next week include Arnold Schwarzenegger’s return to the big screen in The Last Stand, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin star together on the big screen for the first time in Stand Up Guys, and the provocative thriller, Side Effects starring Jude Law, Rooney Mara, Channing Tatum, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.


- TBS and TNT are about to become the first national entertainment networks in the industry to stream on-air content live across multiple platforms 24/7, including through the networks' websites and a pair of newly created Watch TNT and Watch TBS apps. The announcement was made during TNT and TBS's annual Upfront presentation earlier this week in New York. Live streaming is the latest phase in the rollout of TV Everywhere, the industry-wide initiative that gives subscribers to cable, satellite and telco video services access to more of their favorite shows across a wide range of digital platforms. “Starting this summer, subscribers will be able to watch TBS and TNT live – anytime, anywhere, on multiple devices,” Steve Koonin, president of Turner Entertainment Networks, told the Upfront audience. “Tablets and smartphones become television sets, bringing new opportunities for us and for advertisers.”
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- Two award-winning Nashville-based television producers have come together to develop an adoption series called, Finding Home. The series will explore the rise of adoptions in the United States and will deliver a compelling look at how families are formed through adoption and how that impacts adoptees, birth and life parents, and communities in the present and for years beyond. The show will deal with the phenomenon of modern adoptions, the family dynamics created and how that is impacting our society and communities. Check out the video and levels of Kickstarter participation here.

The Five Most (and Least) Anticipated New Shows of Fall 2013

A surprising thing happened this week, most every show I watch got renewed. The only shows that got the ax that I watched every episode of were Deception, Happy Endings, Last Resort, and Go On (Hannibal still hangs in the balance which may not a very good sign). And really the latter of the three was the only one I will be sad to go (maybe TBS will pick it up to make a post-Friends hour with Cougar Town). So I really am not looking forward to adding many new shows, but here are a few that piqued my interest as the most promising shows of the upcoming season

1. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Tuesdays at 8:00 on ABC) – I am not sure if airing the most buzzed about new show of the fall against the most watched show on television. Sure ninety percent of the NCIS audience is in nursing homes and S.H.I.E.L.D. looks to attract a much more younger and hip audience so even with the stiff competition it should debut big. But will people stick around after they realize Robert Downey Jr., Samuel Jackson, Scarlette Johansson, Mark Ruffalo (in human or CGI form) or even Chris Evans probably will never even make a cameo on the show. All you will get is the reanimated corpses of Phil Coulson (and I am guessing maybe Maria Hill if there is a second season when How I Met Your Mother is no longer on the air). But Joss Whedon has already made three extremely entertaining television shows and if this is show is anything like the Item 47 short (which I assume it is), it should be entertaining in its own right even without any superheroes flying around.


2. The Blacklist (Mondays at 10:00 on NBC) – For the last two season, all the networks have been greenlighting a bunch of shows that look like they would be better as a movie than a twenty-two episode season, and most of them do not even make it to its fourteenth episode let alone its twenty-second. The Blacklist is another in that phylum, but two things make it more palatable than its predecessors. It looks like they will be crossing one person off “the blacklist” every episode making it very procedural. It also has the benefit of airing after The Voice which means it will likely make it to a second season before it is sent off to die on Wednesdays in the fall of 2014 (sorry Revolution, have fun being burned off on Saturdays by Thanksgiving). Though I am not sure what to think of James Spader slowly morphing into a combination of Corbin Bersen and Hunter S. Thompson.


3. The Michael J. Fox Show (Thursdays at 9:30 on NBC) – I may have been the only person who enjoyed Matthew Perry’s dead wife show so I am not sure if there will be an audience for Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s show, but I have to admit I laughed pretty hard at his daughter exploited class video presentation.


4. The Millers (Thursdays at 8:30) – There is probably no one happier at the Arrested Development reboot than Will Arnett because he has not been funny since the show went off the air. So maybe things will be turning around for Arnett. He is headlining the new show from Greg Garcia (My Name is Earl) except it is a multi-camera laugh track comedy. It also stars Mags Bennett as his mom. But it is Mags Bennett doing comedy. This show can go either way.


5. Back in the Game (Wednesdays at 9:30 on ABC) – I have always like Maggie Lawson but she always cast in crappy one and done sitcoms (anyone remember Inside Schwartz, It’s All Relative, or Crumbs?). I got excited when she showed up on Justified only to be show dead by Raylan. Hopefully her new show breaks the curse even if it sounds a lot like the recently canceled How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life). But this could work if they go full on Bad News Bears and not the watered down television sitcom version I fear it may be. Then again, the trailer opens with Lawson saying, “See you on the field, Dick,” so there is hope.


As the great philosopher Butt-Head once pondered, “If it weren’t for things that sucked, how would we know if something was awesome,” here are the least anticipated shows of the season (click on their names to check out their trailers).

1. Mixology (Midseason ABC) – An entire season takes place at one bar over one night? Wow, this sounds like the dumbest premise ever. Even at midseason with about twelve episodes, that is still six hours at the same bar. Did no one actually think this out?

2. Ironside (Wednesdays at 10:00 on NBC) – It is not a good sign that my only take away from the trailer of this show is that the chick from Greek may overtake Rachel Leigh Cook on Perception as the most unrealistic law enforcement agent currently on television. It is so absurd I may watch all four episodes it airs before being cancels just to see her try to act like a cop.

3. Killer Woman (Midseason ABC) – I got a good laugh at “executive produced by Sofia Vergara”. Sadly this is not a comedy. And Canadian Trisha Helfer as a Texas Ranger may rival Spencer Grammer for the title of most unrealistic law enforcement agent currently on television.

4. Mom (Mondays at 9:30 on CBS), Dads (Tuesday at 8:00 on Fox) – Chuck Lorre and Seth McFarlane are two of the least funny people on television, yet CBS and Fox keep giving them more and more shows. Even worse, America keeps watching them.

5. Dracula (Fridays at 10:00 on NBC), Sleepy Hollow (Mondays at 9:00 on Fox), and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (Thursdays at 8:00 on ABC) – After the success of Once Upon a Time and Grimm, it was only a matter of time before we got a bunch of famous retellings. Now we get three including a Once Upon a Time spin-off and they all look dreadful.


Of course the most fun part of the schedule release is guessing which shows will be canceled first and here are the five most likely candidates.

1. We Are Men (CBS)
2. Lucky 7 (ABC)
3. Sean Saves the World (NBC)
4. Betrayal (ABC)
5. Hostages (CBS)


And here is what I will be watching next far including the new shows in italics that I will at least check out once or twice.

Mondays
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
8:00 – The Voice (NBC) (assuming it does not become the country and RnB show this season became)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)
10:00 – The Blacklist (NBC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC)
9:00 - The Goldbergs (ABC)
9:00 – The Voice (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 - Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Back in the Game (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – Super Fun Night (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:30 – The Millers (CBS)
8:00 – Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC)
9:30 – The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Fridays
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 - Homeland (Showtime)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
10:00 - Masters of Sex (Showtime)
10:00 – Betrayal (ABC)

Lyrics Quiz: As Seen on TV 2013

As we wind down the television season, I am going to run down the best music placement of the past twelve months and as an added twist, I am going to do it in Lyrics Quiz form so you have to guess to see the actual list. As usual, place your guesses in the comment (or e-mail me), both artist and song title, and if you are correct I will un-bold the lyric. For fun, feel free to also guess which television shows the song was used on, a couple of the ones on my list even have multiple answers.

1. DC, San Antone and the Liberty Town, Boston and Baton Rouge, Tulsa, Austin, Oklahoma City, Seattle, San Francisco, too. Everywhere there's music, real live music, bands with a million styles.
2. There's a hole in what you're saying. I can plainly see you have a lover that's waiting but baby you're right here with me.
3. Same old song. Just a drop of water in an endless sea. All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.
4. Now she’ don’t even know my name but I think she likes me just the same.
5. You’re all alone and so peaceful until... You fall in love, zing boom. The sky up above, zing boom, is caving in, wow bam.
6. Like vanilla, it’s the finest of the flavors. Gotta see the show, ‘cause then you'll know the vertigo is gonna grow, ‘cause it's so dangerous you’ll have to sign a waiver. (One Week - Barenaked Ladies; guessed by Kevin)
7. I've seen your face before, my friend but I don't know if you know who I am?
8. What a way to make a living. Barely getting by, it’s all taking and no giving. They just use your mind and they never give you credit. It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it.
9. I met this little girlie, her hair was kinda curly. Went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early.
10. Wake up kids, we’ve got the dreamers disease. Age 14 we got you down on your knees. So polite, you're busy still saying please.
11. The next stop that we make will be soon. Tell all the folks in Russia and China too. Don’t you know that it’s time to get on board?
12. Don't go changing to try and please me. You never let me down before. Don’t imagine you’re too familiar, and I don't see you anymore.
13. I’ve been trying to do it right. I’ve been living a lonely life. I’ve been sleeping here instead. (Ho Hey - The Lumineers; guessed by Kevin)
14. In the deep dark hills of eastern Kentucky, that’s the place where I trace my bloodline. And it’s there I read on a hillside gravestone.
15. You put your right hand out, give a firm hand-shake. Talk to me about that one big break. Spread your ear-pollution both far and wide. Keep your contributions by your side.
16. One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
17. I don’t like walking around this old and empty house. So hold my hand and walk with me my dead.
18. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. (Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - The Four Lads; guessed by Kevin)
19. Go tell that long tongue liar, go and tell that midnight rider. Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter.
20. Well it's not far down to paradise, at least's not for meIf the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility.
21. I’ve been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.
22. I got bodyguards, I got two big cars, that definitely aint the wack. I got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroof Cadillac.
23. My mind’s telling me no. But my body, my body’s telling me yes.
24. Lay a whisper on my pillow. Leave the winter on the ground. I wake up lonely, there's air of silence in the bedroom and all around.
25. Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane. Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again. Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt. Adolf builts a bonfire, Enrico plays with it.

Family’s a Messy Business, Ain’t Nothing Thicker than Blood.

Full Disclosure Notice: I have never seen the original The Texas Chain Saw Massacre film. Or its three sequels. Or the Jessica Biel reboot. Or even the Jordana Brewster prequel to the reboot. So I went into the seventh (7!) film in the series Texas Chainsaw a complete newbie. Texas Chainsaw 3D (another full disclosure notice: I do not own a 3-D enabled HDTV because I am morally opposed to 3-D and refuse to watch it, but if you are fine with it, the Blu-Ray comes with both the 2-D and 3-D versions on one disk) actually picks up right where the first movie picks up and the title sequence actually recaps that film for those that are new to the franchise like me, or just need a refresher just to get the other quasi-sequels and reboots out of your head.

The film starts with the police coming to the Sawyer house to investigate the events of the first film and then fast forwards to present day where we meet Alexandra Daddario (Adam Braverman’s hot assistant on Parenthood) who learns she not only is she adopted, her birth grandmother has left her the family estate. So she hops in a van with her boyfriend Trey Songz (who I know now why he goes by a pen name after learning his government is Tremaine Neverson, no one is making babies to an artist named Tremaine Neverson), best friend Tania Raymonde (Ben Linus’ daughter on Lost) and her boyfriend, some random dude who, along with the random hitchhiker they pick up, you know will not be lasting very long. Soon as they arrive in Texas, Daddario learns of her family, and the town’s dirty little secret. And that secret carries around a chainsaw.

Texas Chainsaw is you typical paint by numbers horror film that you have already seen before even if you skipped the earlier Chainsaw films. The kills are pedestrian and really the only scene that really crept me out was when Leatherface created his latest “mask” and put it on. Of course the young people in the film are stupid (but that does lead to an unintentionally funny scene where they try to drive the van through a gate) and the cops are not the smarter. But there is an interesting scene where one cop goes into Leatherface’s lair with his iPhone sharing video with the sheriff and mayor, but that did not even pay off like I was hoping for.

There is an attempt at a twist near the end of the film but it comes off as forced as well as pretty telegraphed for anyone who paid attention to the early parts of the films with a couple characters who overlook some horrible things to justify their actions. For those that saw the original and wonder why they would want to watch the newer version, it does boast actors from the original movie including Leatherface himself Gunnar Hansen, the girl that escaped his house of horrors Marilyn Burns, Bill Moseley who was in the sequel and John Dugan who actually reprises his role as Grandpa Sawyer which apparently is a record for the longest amount of time between someone playing the same role in a movie.

The Texas Chainsaw Blu-Ray is also filled with almost two hours of extra over nine featurettes not including three separate audio commentaries one with the producers, one with the creator, and another with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre alumni. The alumni also get their own featurette: Texas Chainsaw Legacy. There is also Resurrecting the Saw about how the new film came about; The Old Homestead on how the recreated the original house (surprisingly the house used in the first movie was moved and is now a restaurant for anyone who wants to eat at a place that once housed cannibals); Casting Terror about how the new cast were recruited; while Leatherface 2013 was dedicated to recasting the iconic character; Light Camera Massacre focused on making the film in 3-D, It’s in the Meat deals with the special effects makeup in the movie, as well as six five minute fly on the set look into six scenes. In lieu of any deleted scenes, there is an Alternative Opening which is essentially just and extended scene.

And though I am morally opposed to 3-D on television and at the movie theater, it is cool that the cover is in 3-D with Leatherface coming at you with his chainsaw. Granted it uses the same 3-D technology that was used on A Tribe Called Quest’s Beats, Rhymes & Life CD cover seventeen years ago (just realizing how old that album is makes me feel really old). Both the blu-ray and DVD version come with a digital copy code where you can get both the UltraViolet version of the film and was download a copy from iTunes for anyone who wants to view the movie on the go or while running away from your local chainsaw wielding maniac.


Full Disclosure Notice: This Blu-Ray was given to me by Lionsgate for the sole purpose of reviewing it.

Some Blindsides Need to Happen Before They Happen to Me

The last and only time Survivor previously aired a Fans vs. Favorites season it became so clear just how outmatched the tribes were because where the Fans are still littered with fodder, the Favorites were some of the smartest and strongest players to have never won the game. The Favorites were so much better that they actually managed to get a Fan to give up his Immunity Necklace and then promptly voted him out.

So how do you make the second installment of Fans vs. Favorites fairer? Well you bring in some of the most incompetent and least liked Survivors of the past ten seasons. You had crazy people Brandon Hantz (who did not even need to be talked into giving up his Immunity Necklace) and Philip Sheppard, turncoat John Cochran and the emotional wreck he turned on Dawn Meehan, the first ever contestant that was voted out of their first season Francesca Hogi, and they even brought back that moron who gave up that Immunity Necklace in the first Fans vs. Favorites Erik Reichenbach.

Which sounded fair on paper except the very first Reward Challenge the Favorites ended up dominating the physical challenge to the point that even Cochran won his heat. Cochran! After losing the first Immunity Challenge, the Favorites then went on to win ever Immunity and Reward Challenges until they forfeited the final Immunity Challenge before they switched up the tribes when they dumped Brandon in the very first elimination that did not happen at Tribal Council.

The swapped tribes did not favors for the Fans as they were outnumbered on both tribes (and thanks to some sleight of hand by Probst when divvying up the new tribes one tribe was loaded with all the physical specimens left) and lost two more Fans before the merge. Luckily for Sherri and Eddie, Favorite after Favorite started overplaying their hands post merge with Corinne Kaplan, Malcolm Fresberg, and Andrea Broehlke, all went home for trying to turn on their alliance before that got rid of all the Fans while Brenda Lowe made the rookie mistake of stupidly winning the Loved Ones Challenge. Phil also when home prematurely when all three members of the Douchebag Alliance held Immunity and drew the short stick. Some people give Malcolm credit for this move, but I am under the belief if you have two Idols in your pocket and are sent home the very next Tribal, that is a massive failure.

Then the finale hits and boom, Erik is out of the season ten minutes into the episode. In a season of firsts, the latest medical evacuation may have been the most shocking. I cannot even remember anyone ever being removed post-merge off the top of my head. It was disappointed that after his removal they did not go to a final two instead opting to giving the winner of the planned Immunity Challenge a clue to the Final Challenge robbing us of one more glance of Andrea at Tribal Council, who at the previous Tribal wore the greatest F-U dress ever worn by a jury member.

In the end, one of the biggest fans ever to play the game became the second player ever to get a unanimous vote with Cochran joining Earl from Survivor: Fiji. There was still one more first at the Live Reunion show with Brenda being the first player not to show up, but apparently she was too big to go flying (how did someone who did not even show up until the final two episodes almost win Player of the Season?). Another first happened when the non-jury members were resigned to audience and completely ignored by Probst instead giving away their time to Boston Rob (please go away) and Rudy (please come back for another season, even at 85, I bet you could still outlast most twenty-somethings). I wonder if this will happen in future seasons or was just a way to keep Brandon from attacking Philip live on television.

But enough with Caramoan, next season is Blood vs. Water which looks like it will be the much rumored Family Edition with returning players on one tribe and a family member of theirs on another, so Family vs. Favorites would be a more appropriate title (unless it is a tribe entirely made up of family (please God, not the Hantz's) going against a tribe of strangers). If true, this is the worst idea the show ever had, even worse than Redemption Island. It just comes off like a cheap Big Brother stunt and Survivor is usually above silly stunts like this. Instead of bringing back contestant every season (if my hunch is right, that would make it six of the last eight seasons with at least two former players) they need to find casting agents that can actually find actual interesting people instead of the current casting agents who just bring in past contests and fill the rest of the cast with models from the Abercrombie catalogue. With that said, if one of the teams turns out to be Kat from One World and her bulldog cousin, I will be fully on board Blood vs. Water. Actually just thinking of that possibility is making me excited. Excuse me while I go cyber stalk Kat to see if she disappears from the internet for the next thirty-nine days.

Survivor: Caramoan gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Caramoan on iTunes.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 5/12/13

Once Upon a Time: I am okay with poetic license so if the show wants to turn Rumplestiltkin into the “Beast” or make Jack of the Beanstalk fame a chick, fine (though turning Captain Hook into a J. Crew model is a little silly) but I really do not like that they turned Neverland into Siberia for Lost Boys. Neverland may be the most magical land in the Disney library and to turn it into a living hell take poetic license too far. But being from the writers of Lost, I have a feeling in three seasons (if the show gets that far) we will learn Bay is Peter Pan who rescues the Lost Boys from the Shadow, who is probably being controlled by Captain Hook. I would not be surprised if Bay ended up back in Neverland through the portal he slipped through and now is living a Hook
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Once Upon a Time on iTunes.

Revenge: I was really hoping that it would be Takeda killing Aiden because the show took a dive in the entertainment department right around he showed up. His character just made the show too complicated and muddled, and with him gone, I hoped they would go back to Emily taking people down again out of revenge for her father next season. That is if there is a next season.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Revenge on iTunes.

Mad Men: On any other show, when Peggy left SCDP, the question would not have been if she would ever end up working with Don, but when. But considering this show has no problem segregating its cast (I cannot remember the last time Betty interacted with anyone else, Gene’s birthday party maybe) or just cut ties with them completely (I wonder if Paul Kinsey ever got to write for Star Trek) I figured they would just stay their separate ways from the rest of the show. So it seemed a little cheesy that Don proposed a merger with Peggy’s current firm.
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

The Voice: Well that was a weird way to start a results show, “hey, we are throwing out half the ways you were allowed to vote… but do not worry, even though we discarded those votes, we still got the same result anyway.” What? When Carson first announced this, my second thought was this is what they are going to use to bring back whoever drew the short straw on Adam’s team because they probably would have been one of the top two vote getters on any other team (my first thought was the irrational Michael Jackson fanatics, which there are still plenty around, stuffed the internet voting and possibly the texting which I am not entirely sure how you manipulate texting but I am morally opposed to texting so I really do not know much about it).

But alas the resurrection of Caroline Glaser, who was voted off Adam’s team, due to “voting irregularities” did not happen unless there is a shocking twist coming Monday (and we are still owed a shocking event from when they hyped one in the Battle Round that never happened). And the show should want to give Caroline a reprieve because she was one of the two best selling artists on the show this season (baffling the other person, Sarah Simmons, is the other one). Caroline and Sarah were the only two contestants whose four songs all charted this season, while Caroline was the only one who had all four of her songs on the Top 200 Overall iTunes chart this week. Not only that, all four of her songs charted higher on Monday than Josiah Hawley who inexplicably is in the final 12 while Caroline is going home. (Even as I write this, all four of Caroline's songs are charting higher than one song by Judith.  The Voice should feel really embarrassed by this.)  During Usher’s save, I was hoping he would say, “Instead of saving these two who are a lock to go home anyway, I am going to wait to use my Save on whoever Adam gets rid of.” That would have been worthy of the move we were promise in the Battle Round that “shocked the other coaches and producers.”

What makes Caroline and Sarah, the two top sellers, being in Adam’s team worse is that America’s Save went Judith Hill. The other save went to Amber Carrington, who hit the teens on the charts, but Caroline and Sarah were not that far behind in the thirties while Judith barely cracked the top 100. Considering they threw out online voting and texting, there had to be an overwhelming amount of phone calls for Judith to catapult Caroline and Sarah. Combine that with the “voting irregularities” this just does not pass the smell test. How are there that many people who said, Judith’s performance was not good enough to buy, but I am going to vote for her anyway?

Judith of course is an RnB singer while Amber is a country artist. You know else sings RnB and country: everyone else America voted for not named Michelle Chamuel (I guess she should be happy that Usher did not have another RnB singer or a country artist on his team). That really makes for a boring final 12. And it will get even more homogeneous because I suspect rockers Josiah and Garrett will be gone within the first two weeks, if not the first two gone. Not that I will find out, because unless they bring back Caroline, there really is no one to get excited for unless you are a country or RnB fanatic. I doubt anyone this season could have made the top five last season.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download songs from The Voice with the widget at right.

How I Met Your Mother: Have we always known that Robin has a sister? When her father first mentioned the younger Serbowski, my first thought was, well she will turn out to be the titular Mother. Except it would make no sense, we already no the mother has been in New York City for a while, she partied with Sarah Chalke, roomed with Rachel Bilson, and sat in on Ted’s lecture. If Robin’s sister has been in the city this whole time, how have we never met her yet?
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

2 Broke Girls: Not that Pierce Morgan had much integrity in the first place, but how do you go on a show as yourself and comment on the size of another man’s junk on your own television show (which actually airs opposite the same program)? Larry King would never have done that.

Castle: It seems like whenever the show has these big government conspiracy cases, it always turns out to be a very pedestrian killer like a relative or scorn lover (with of course the exception of whenever it involves their own family). And I actually kind of hope Beckett takes the Washington job, then maybe Castle can go back to following around Adam Baldwin’s character.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes.

Grimm: I have always liked Nora Zehetner going back to her Everwood days but unfortunately a decade later she really has not gotten her big break yet. She was unfortunately shuffled off that show after her onscreen brother died. She was the most interesting character on the early episodes of Heroes but was quickly killed off. The only thing I remember seeing her in since was one of the hundreds of Hey I Know That Person cameos on Heroes but she did not stick around long enough to get bedded by Don Draper (but at least she was not sullied by Pete Campbell). I was actually hoping that her character on Grimm would cause Nick to kill Juliet and she would become the new love interest because Juliet is clearly the weak link on the show. The only problem is Nick is the second weakest link.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Grimm on iTunes.

Survivor: Caramoan: Note to self: whenever you go on Survivor, tank any Individual Reward Challenges. Much like I am shocked that anyone would actually buy food at the action because the money would be better spent on the “advantage’ and Jeff will always have one covered dud and another time he will pull the you can have this for yourself, or something for the tribe thing. It is also becoming more frequent that at least once a season, Jeff will do the you can keep the prize for yourself or everyone else can get it thing and that usually happens during the Loved Ones Challenge. This week had to easily be the cruelest of Jeff’s ploys. He actually let Brenda choose Dawn, THEN said their was a second Loved One hiding on the island, AND THEN gave her the option of everyone but her AND Dawn the loved ones time. And then to make things worse, they actually had the barbecue within shouting distance. That was just cruel Jeff. And then Brenda learned the hard way why you do not want to win these challenges. It is a lose-lose situation. If you chose your Loved Ones, everyone will hate you and will not win if you make it to the finals. If you give up your Loved One, everyone will view you as a threat to win and try to vote you out, which actually happened to Brenda hours after her good deed. Though that was a stupid vote, I would much more worried of Eddie going on an Idol run than Brenda, and like I explained last week, Eddie already had three automatic votes on the jury. Oh well. We did finally get a first look of Andrea on the jury, and I am not sure who packs a cocktail dress when going on the show, but I am glad she did. Wow.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Philippines on iTunes.

Nashville: Of course Juliette has a sex tape. But I take it they are going to save the reveal of Maddie’s paternity for the season finale to Deacan, and maybe Maddie herself. I guess the question is how they will find out? Will Rayna finally confess after all these years? will Teddy let it slip in a jealous rage? Will it be released in a tabloid? For the entertainment value, let’s hope it is the third option.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Nashville on iTunes.

The Big Bang Theory: That was the most disturbing sex scene I have ever seen.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download The Big Bang Theory on iTunes.

Community: Well this season of Community written fan-fic is finally over. At least we got one last glimps of Evil Annie in a tight red dress before it was thankfully put out of its misery, so it made the season worth it. Wait, it was renewed? Oh goodness.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

Hannibal: So a therapist has his very own therapist. Though I have a feeling Hannibal just goes to Scully just to play with her. And what is going on with Abigail Hobbs? She was just resigned to a dream sequence this week, but I would really like to see her in the middle of the Hannibal / Will tug of war for her soul.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.

Best of the Week: 5/11/13

Quote of the Week: You could be my bodyguard and I could be your Whitney. (Nolan, Revenge)

Song of the Week: Baby Jane (Mo Mo Jane) – Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels (Mad Men)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: Miracle in Cleveland: No, a Cleveland sports team did not win a sports championship for the first since 1948 (unless you count the Cleveland Crunch, but I bet the vast majority of people reading this could not even name the sport), not even divine intervention could make that happen. Instead three long ago missing women escaped from a house where they were being held in Cleveland. The tenth anniversary of the first girl being kidnapped actually just a couple weeks ago and I remember sitting on the couch thinking that a decade is about the time to accept the sad reality. Apparently I was extremely wrong. Being that I live in the Cleveland television market, both How I Met Your Mother and 2 Broke Girls were “joined in progress” after breaking news (which was not so much breaking, but a rehash of the earlier story which really could have been resigned to a scroll on the bottom) and then Grimm was preempted entirely for a special report.

Preview Picture of the Week:

"The Bon Voyage Reaction" The Big Bang Theory, Thursday at 8:00 on CBS

Free Download of the Week: Current and More Sampler – Eisley (NoiseTrade)

New Album Release of the Week: Modern Vampires of the City - Vampire Weekend

New DVD Release of the Week: Dexter: The Seventh Season

Video of the Week: The World’s End had me at from the guys that brought you Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Although with a title like The World’s End, I was hoping for a disaster movie but the start of the trailer makes it look a pub crawl with the title coming from the name of the last bar they would patron. Then half way through, people’s eyes start glowing. Be it alien invasion or body snatching, I am all on board this movie.


Next Week Pick of the Week: Survivor, Sunday (Tomorrow) at 8:00 on CBS: For all intents and purposes, this season of Survivor ended when Andrea was unceremoniously vote off two weeks ago, but apparently they are still going ahead with the finale tomorrow which of course will be followed by the Live Reunion. After decimating the Fans all season, the Favorites surprisingly let two of them in the final five, which could be the downfall of the Favorites because the Fans may have better chance with the jury than the Favorites. And it looks like Sherri is part of the Dawn / Cochran so she could make it while Eddie could take the next two Immunity Challenge to secure his spot in the finals. It also looks like the finale will feature the attest ever in the game medical evacuation. Me, I will just be tuning into to see what Andrea wears in the final three Tribal Councils.

Around the Tubes: 5/10/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on The Newsroom, Genealogy Roadshow, Dangerous Intuition, Wilfred, Falling Skies, Syfy marathons, Victory Records, the BottleRock Napa Valley music festival, The Last Ship, Legends, Bean, and Boston's Finest.

- You may have to wait until July 14 until The Newsroom hit HBO, until then here is a teaser of the second season.


- PBS announced today that it will add the new series Genealogy Roadshow to its fall lineup. Part detective story, part emotional journey, Genealogy Roadshow will combine history and science to uncover the fascinating stories of diverse Americans. Each individual’s past will link to a larger community history, revealing the rich cultural tapestry of America. Genealogy Roadshow will air Mondays, September 23-October 14, at 9:00.

- From writer/producer Roma Roth comes Dangerous Intuition, a psychological thriller that explores the deep bond between a mother and her child and the phenomenon of mother’s intuition. The movie makes its world premiere on tomorrow at 8:00 on Lifetime. Dangerous Intuition revolves around Kate Aldrich (Tricia Helfer), a successful career woman who is devastated when her husband leaves her for stay at home mom, Laura (Estella Warren) with whom she is forced to share joint custody of her daughter Izzy.

- Wilfred, which is staying on the FX flagship station when it splits into three, just got a third season premiere date, it will air back-to-back episodes June 20 (and the following week) starting at 10:00.

- If you ever wanted to get into Falling Skies, TNT is giving you the chance before the premiere of season three with full season marathons. The first season will air on Memorial Day (Monday May 27) beginning at 10:00 A.M. Then on Saturday, June 1 they will air the second season also beginning at 10:00 A.M.

In other Memorial Day weekend programming news, over on Syfy they will be hosting a Roger Corman film festival. The special holiday weekend programming begins on Friday, May 24 with monstrous movie delights such as Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. That will be followed by all-day marathons of Syfy’s new hit series Defiance on Saturday, May 25, and a Paranormal Witness scream-fest on Sunday, May 26. The popular paranormal series returns for Season 3 beginning Wednesday, June 5 at 10:00.

- For the first time ever MTV and Doron Ofir Casting are seeking aspiring chefs to fulfill a lifelong dream in the culinary arts that will lead to the job of a lifetime and launch a career of epic proportions. Foodscoolcasting.com is seeking amateur chefs, bakers and cooking enthusiasts of all kinds (who are at least 18 years old), with the biggest personalities and a fierce appetite for competition, to live under one roof and be schooled in the most intensive and practical culinary training, with mentorship by legendary food masters.

- Victory Records has launched the latest destination for music buying fans, VictoryMerch.com. This new website boasts an efficient, sleek, user friendly interface and layout, making it simple to find items from many of your favorite artists.

- The first-ever BottleRock Napa Valley music festival kicks off this evening, featuring over 60 artists across five days including The Black Keys, Kings of Leon, Zac Brown Band, Edward Sharpe, Alabama Shakes, Macklemore and others. BottleRock is a first-of-its-kind festival, combining music, wine, food, and charity. eBay Celebrity has teamed up with the festival to connect musicians and their fans while benefitting a group of non-profit organizations through a unique auction experience. The auction features items gathered directly from the artists during memorable festival moments in addition to experiences curated by the many festival partners including wineries, restaurants and athletic teams. Auction items will be announced daily as the participating bands and partners make donations that may include signed instruments, meet-and-greets at future shows, winery tours and athletic tickets. 100% of the proceeds from the bids will support over 20 community nonprofit partners including Autism Chords, Land Trust of Napa Valley, Wildlife Rescue Center of Napa Valley, and Sweet Relief Musicians Fund.

- TNT has greenlit the action-packed drama series The Last Ship, starring Eric Dane (Grey's Anatomy) and executive-produced by blockbuster filmmaker Michael Bay (Transformers) and is Based on William Brinkley's popular novel, The Last Ship. Expect the series to premiere early 2014. Rhona Mitra, Adam Baldwin, and Tracy Middendorf are also set to star.

- Also coming to TNT next year is the suspenseful spy drama Legends starring Sean Bean and is based on the award-winning book by master spy novelist Robert Littell, whose CIA novel The Company served as the basis for TNT's acclaimed 2007 miniseries. Ali Larder, Rob Mayes, Steve Harris, Amber Valletta, and Lux Haney Jardine are also set to star.

- When a press release dubs someone “a mix between Adele and Amy Winehouse” I have to check it out just to see how off that comparison is. Not surprisingly Bean sounds nothing like the powerhouse soul throwback singers and is much more on the teen pop spectrum (it also labeled her “Katy Perry meets Colbie Caillat” which is probably more apt). They sent along a run of the mill boring pop song Cops and Robbers of her self titled EP (which you can download free on Soundcloud) but in lieu of sharing that video, I instead will embed her cover of the Blackstreet classic No Diggity, because, well that song is awesome.


- In renewal news, TNT announced they are bring back Boston’s Finest for a second season set for early 2014 with CNN airing encores of the episode.