Hey, How Long 'till You Face What's Goin' On

Ashlee Simpson came to prominence solely because she had a show on MTV even though anyone who watched the show could easily tell she was tone deaf and many episodes focused on her poor performances in the studio. This point was amplified by the laughable performances at Saturday Night Live and the Orange Bowl to the point where Ashlee even had to hire a keyboard player who just happens to sing every word along with her. But thanks to Joe Simpson’s pact with the devil, Ashlee gets a second try with I Am Me.

The album starts off with the disturbingly entertaining Boyfriend coming off as the 2005 version of last years “I know I shouldn’t like it” song from last year, Since U Been Gone. The song bounces along on the uber-catchy guitar hook, and unlike Kelly, didn’t have to steal it from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But what really makes the song is the so cheesy it becomes amusing “ha’s” that pepper the song much like the hand claps in Take the Money and Run.

Unfortunately the album doesn’t have a Behind These Hazel Eyes to accompany Boyfriend. The closest is the girl anthem L.O.V.E. The major problem with the song is what is supposed to be a chant along chorus sounds like she is saying “Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello VD.” Of course that phase could ruin any girl power moment. But then, maybe it was intended to sound like it, she was rumored to be dating the dude from That 70’s Show and he sluttied up every girl he’s came in contact with.

Lyrically the album is absurd most of the time. Occasionally they induce a good chuckle like when she is self defacing like in Boyfriend where she is confronted by a jealous girlfriend and Ashlee explains herself by saying “When I go home, I’m going home alone.” So basically she’s saying that not only could I not steal you boyfriend, I couldn’t pick any guy up. Her inability to land a guy continues on Dancing Alone which is reminiscent of Dancing with Myself (the song even sounds out of the 80’s) but without the underlining double entendre that made the Billy Idol song noteworthy. Then there is the ironic line in Boyfriend, “All the lies that you told, just to ease your own soul.” Oh but Ashlee, you are not bigger than that as you blame your drummer, your stomach, Saddam Hussein having WMD’s, and Doug Eddings.

The worst of the worst is Burning Up where Ashlee tries to moan her lyrics suggestively but it ends up sounding as alluring as Ned Beatty squealing like a pig in his underwear. The album also falters whenever they don’t mask Ashlee’s voice with a wall of sound. With only a piano accompanying her, Ashlee’s voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. For Ashlee’s next album (God forbid) she may want to take another reality star turned pop star, Kelly Osbourne and go techno because the aggravated beats can cover up even the worst voices. And with her nappy extensions, she isn’t even Beautifully Broken like the song title say, she is just broken now.

Song to Download – Boyfriend

I Am Me gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye

What better than having the opposing manager get thrown out during a playoff game; having an opposing player get tossed in the same game. And just what exactly did Jim Edmonds say to get tossed on a full count. Any lip readers out there catch what he said? It has been a very long time since I have seen someone get tossed in the middle of an at-bat. Also I sure hope I catch Tony LaRussa’s apology after catching the replay of Lance Berkman’s at-bat that got him tossed to see that each and every pitch was well out of the strike zone. Actually what I want to see more is LaRussa in the next installment of Dancing with the Stars because he did a nice two step with crew chief Tim McClelland during his tirade. But in the end, Phil Cuzzi might make us forget the call from the Sox-Angels game. (What was his name again?) The thing that bugged me was that during neither ejection did the PA announcer played the song (see title), isn’t that required by law to play whenever someone got ejected?

Then you have Phil Garner doing everything right in this series after some questionable moves in the 18-inning marathon (do you really think Garner had Chris Burke pinch run for Berkman in hopes he’d hit a walk off home run ten innings later?). But in this series you can look at the wins and great managing is the result of those wins. Obviously the best move is sticking Burke’s hot bat into the lineup. In three Burke starts in the postseason, three wins. He might have been silent last night, but he was instrumental it getting runs in the previous two wins. Although I thought the better choice would have been put Burke in for Lane who had been silent so far, but Lane’s run was what helped the Astros to the win last night, so Garner was right again.

So now the Houston Astros are one game away from their first World Series appearance ever. And with Pettitte, Oswalt, and Clemens starting the potential next three games and the Cardinals unraveling last night with multiple starters with one foot in the hospital, the odds are very good of that happening sooner than later. But it must be pointed out that the Cards beat the trio in three straight games coming out of the All-Star break so I’m not celebrating just yet.

The one thing that has worried me is Brad Lidge. After owning the Cards over the last two year with batters going 5-100 against him with no run, but the touched him up in game three and in all intents and purposes was saved from disaster by some bad base running by Albert Pujols and a great double play. This could be a Mariano Rivera against the Red Sox situation of the Cards seeing Lidge too much. Hopefully when the Astros are three-six outs away from the World Series, Lidge will shut the door.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. VIII

- Today is the nail in the coffin game for the Cards. If Brandon Backe can pull off some magic like he did last year when he shut down the Cards, then they would need to beat Pettitte, Oswalt, and Clemens in three straight games and with Walker, Sanders, and Nunez with one foot in the hospital, I really don’t see that happening.

- Speaking of Nunez going down, his replacement had the worst thrown I’ve ever seen since Rick Vaughn got glasses. Even Yao Ming wouldn’t have been able to catch that ally-oop with a ladder.

- Keeping with baseball I find it interesting that the elder Bush is not prominently shown during the Astro’s home games this playoff. Last year he and Barbra were right behind the plate and easily seen in every at bat. This year they are a little right of the plate with Barbra rarely getting in the picture. Do they have different seats this year? Did Fox change their camera angle last year for a subliminal advertising for his son down the campaign stretch?

- And I am glad I finally agree with the party of my youth, the Republicans, once again, Harriet Meiers is a horrible choose. Picking someone who ran gambling commission to a seat to the Supreme Court is like electing a cocaine addict as a president. And ripping Meiers in not sexist, every nominee goes through the ringer, not doing it to her would be sexist.

- On Tuesday look out for the review of the most anticipated album of the fall, Ashlee Simpson's I Am Me. Granted that is meant to be a joke, but looking at the list of albums slated for the next couple month's only Santana's latest star-studded peeks my interest. Of course the record indistry will instead blame downloaders on the poor sales that will likely happen instead of realizing that they are putting out a bad product.

- Search item of the week - cartoons making fun of homosexuals (Yahoo)

- Here are some hints for the remaining lyrics quiz (scroll down for the quiz itself)

2. If you dressed up like the song title, you will be dressing much like the artist, braided hair, guns, and some sticky-icky.

11. A couple of people have guessed the band but if you dress like the song title you most likely chaps and a 10-gallon hat. Oscars might make a good accessory too.

12. This real person who if you want to dress like, you would have a feather and a pipe on you.

17. Much like the costume at number 11, you would want a gun and hat. If you wanted to dress like the artist, not showering for a month should do it.

Lyrics Quiz - Halloween Ideas

With Halloween closely approaching, I thought I’d know off two birds with one stone and have a lyrics quiz where all the song titles doubling as suggestions for costumes to wear this Halloween. As always, leave your guesses, artist and title, in the comment section and if you are correct I will un-bold the lyric and give you credit. The person with the most points will be added to the winners list on my sidebar. Keep in mind all answer would make good Halloween costumes.


1. An invisible man sleeping in your bed. (Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr. guessed bu Jodie)
2. I think of all the education that I missed, but then my homework was never quite like this. (Hot for Teacher - Van Halen guessed by Christopher)
3. Everywhere you turn there’s vultures and thieves at your back. (Angel - Sarah McLachlan guessed by Kristen)
4. I was just guessing at numbers and figures pulling the puzzles apart. (The Scientist - Coldplay guessed by Kristen)
5. Now I’m not trying to floss, but murder was the case that they lost. (Doggfather - Snoop Doggy Dogg guessed by Dane Bramage)
6. Albert fallen on the sun, cracked his head wide open. (Einstein on the Beach (For a Eggman) – Counting Crows guessed by Cmmdtp)
7. If you want to call me baby, just go ahead now. (Two Princes - Spin Doctors guessed by Kristen)
8. In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. (Theme to the A-Team guessed by Angie)
9. Annie are you okay, are you okay Annie? (Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson guessed by Gina)
10. Cat Stevens was the greatest singer. (King of New Orleans - Better Than Ezra guessed by Dorna)
11. Hey happy, I’m feeling glad, I got sunshine in a bag, I’m useless but not for long, the future is coming on. (Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz guessed by Kristen)
12. She was spose to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money. She went to the doctor got lipo with ya money. She walkin around lookin like Michael with ya money. (Gold Digger - Kanye West & Jamie Foxx guessed by Kristen)
13. On a canapé my stamina be enough for Pamela Anderson Lee. (Big Pimpin' - Jay-Z guessed by Kristen)
14. I’m not a martyr, I’m not a prophet, I won’t preach to you, but here’s a caution. (Cochise - Audioslave guessed by Dane Bramage)
15. If I finish all my chores and you finish thyne, then tonight we’re gonna party like it 1699. (Amish Paradise - "Weird Al" Yankovic guessed by Aden)
16. I’m the kinda G the little homies wanna be like on my knees in the night saying prayers in the street lights. (Gansta's Paradise - Coolio guessed by Gina)
17. I ain’t no G, I just a regular failure, I’m not straight outta Compton; I’m straight out the trailer. (Cowboy - Kid Rock guessed by Aden)
18. Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win but the battle wages on. (Toy Soldiers - Martika guessed by Gina)
19. What’s with these homies dissing my girl, why do they gotta front? (Buddy Holly - Weezer guessed by Kristen)
20. I’m only a man in a silly red sheet. (Superman (It's Not Easy) - Five for Fighting guessed by Cmmdtp)
21. 103 is forever when you’re just a little kid so Cyrus Jones lived forever. (Gravedigger - Dave Matthews guessed by Jodie)
22. He was a punk; she did ballet, what more can I say. (Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne guessed by Gina)
23. Jesus freaks out in the street, handing tickets out for God. (Tiny Dancer - Elton John guessed by Kristen)
24. He has a funky walk his western shirts and leather, always look so boss. (Macho Man - The Village People guessed by Cmmdtp)
25. Well I dreamt one morning and I woke up to see all the pepperoni pizza was a looking at me. (Lunchlady Land - Adam Sandler guessed by Jodie)

This months winner is Kristen, be sure to check out November 15 for the next lyrics quiz.

The New Killer B(urke) Strikes Again

There is nothing like going 3-4 in the playoffs with your last two at bats resulting in home runs, including a walk off home run to end a series, to get you in the starting lineup. So Chris Burke didn’t quite hit a home run in his first at bat against the Cardinals last night, but a triple would suffice. But thing did really look good with two outs the Cards intentionally walk Ausmus to get to the pitcher Oswalt. So manager, Phil Garner did something that no one expected, he sent the catcher on a steal attempt against one of the best pick-off combination of Mark Mulder and Yadier Molina. And it worked as it caught Molina so off guard that Molina forgot to catch the ball allowing Burke to score on the pass ball. Brilliant. All of the attention has been on Oswalt’s pitching, but if (I mean when) the Astros win the series; this is the play to look back on as the defining play of the series.

And Burke didn’t stop there. With the game still in reach and Berkman on third, the newest Killer B made the very first hit of the series for the Astros with runners in scoring position (they were 0-14) giving the team a cushion and then padded it a little more when he scored on an Adam Everett triple. So for those keeping track at home, Burke’s line in the playoffs so for reads as:

4-R
2-HR
4-RBI
.667-OBP
1.750-SLG
.625-AVG

Who needs Carlos Beltran? Hopefully Phil Garner keeps this kid in the lineup for the rest of the series because he has been money so far this postseason, well aside from his little mistake in what should have been a routine fly ball last night. But that misstep didn’t hurt the team in the end. And with the series tied up, it now becomes a best of five with the Astros with home field advantage. And in those five games you have potentially have Clemens going twice and Pettitte and Oswalt getting a start each. Oh and the other starter just happened to Brandon Backe who blanked the Cards in the postseason last year. And you also have Brad Lidge who can come in as early as the seventh and the Cards are currently 5-101 against Lidge for the last two years and has never given up a run in the playoffs. I really like the ‘Stros to make their first World Series ever.

As for the other series the big new is the umpire’s call in game 2. I fully support the umpire on “the call” and if Angel fan need someone to blame they need to look at the catcher. Every time I watch the game and there is a swinging third strike below the knees, the catcher always tags the batter even if it came nowhere near the ground as it was second nature and when the Angel’s catcher didn’t do this it just shows why he’s the third string catcher on the team.

As for the umpire’s mechanics, as an athlete I was always told to play until you hear a whistle and this is exactly why A.J. Pierzynski’s team won, he didn’t hear out so he kept playing, the catcher assumed the play was over so he stop playing and he team ended up losing. And there I no way the umpire is going to change his mind after the play. As a former umpire myself (granted I did beer league softball games where every ball is in the dirt) we had two rules 1) you are never wrong even when you know you are. Whenever I knew I was wrong after a play, I would never admit it, instead I would get a second opinion from other ump and hope he would reverse the call. 2) Try to make the game end early as possible. As an ump, we tend to get paid by the game no matter how long it goes so I sure that was in the back of the ump’s mind knowing an out call makes it go to extra inning and with an 18 inning marathon in recent memory, I doubt Blue wanted that to happen again.

Now with the controversy, there was been talk of instant replay. This is the worst idea to end all bad ideas. The great thing about sports is the human error. It was drive male conversation the next day, case in point, the latest controversy. Look how much debate that play has brought. Now if there was instant replay in baseball that is much like that in football, the play would have ended up standing due to inconclusive results. Then no one would be talking about the game at all the next day.

Even worse is when these machines screw up. I remember a couple years ago, late in the game, the Browns were driving down the field needing a touchdown to beat the Titans ion a must win foe the Browns to keep their playoff hopes alive. On fourth down, Northcutt made a catch inside the ten afterwards the Browns hurried to the line to spike the ball and stop the clock because there were out of time outs. After the Brown spiked the ball, the refs announced that they were going back and reviewing the previous catch by Northcutt even though in the rules state a play cannot be reviewed after the next play has been ran. But the ref blamed a mistake by the computer and overturned the Northcutt play and since that play was on fourth down the Titans got the ball and the game essentially was over and so were the Browns playoff hopes. And in true Browns fashion, beer bottles were thrown onto the field and the incident is the reason the NFL no longer sell beer bottles at the game. So to all the pro-instant replay fanatics out there, the computers can be wrong too and if something goes wrong, I would much rather blame human error than a computer one.

Toss Up: Lost vs Veronica Mars week 3

Week three of Lost vs. Veronica Mars although I must admit I didn’t watch either as I was watching another match up - Astros vs. Cardinals. Unfortunately the bad guys won and I totally blame the chick who called at the exact same time as Reggie Sanders hit his homerun. Needless to say that turned out to be a bad conversation (note to self: unplug the phone tonight). So I had to spend all day avoiding any kind of discussion of either shows as not to ruin anything. Luckily I made it through the day without anything majored being revealed. So onto this week’s showdown (and for those that missed the first season of Veronica Mars, it came out on DVD this week so make sure you buy it, rent it, borrow it, steal it, whatever, just get your hands on a copy):

Last Week’s Preview (Redux)
Lost: A big let down as it turned out that Jin speaking English was only a dream. And while I’m on the subject, who can Hurley dream in Korean if he can’t speak it?
Veronica Mars: At the end of the show Veronica still thinks she is the reason the bus crashed (I’m still skeptical). Winner: Veronica Mars

The Police
Lost: Claire finds a Message in a Bottle (I guess she’s not alone at being alone).
Veronica Mars: The answer is still no; Veronica won’t go to prom with Sheriff Lamb.
Winner: Lost

Angel Reunion
Lost: Evil lawyer Gavin Park turns out to only speak Korean is joined by evil law firm boss who turned out to be Rose’s very white husband.
Veronica Mars: High Being Cordelia reverts back to her Sunnydale ways and will soon be joined by the gas pumping creator of Angel.
Winner: Lost

Time Filler
Lost – There was an extended montage of Hurley passing out food.
Veronica Mars – Veronica passes by an extended karaoke version of Love Hurts.
Winner: Veronica Mars

Ability to Impress
Lost: Hurley passes out the food to everyone to keep on their good side only to backfire when everyone blames him that the food runs out early (okay, I’m only predicting the last part).
Veronica Mars: Beaver proves to his dad that his trophy wife is cheating on him only for the PI (Veronica) to also uncover he is screwing over his investors too. (I’m predicting that this was Kendall’s master plan to begin with.)
Winner: Veronica Mars

Alpha Male Beatdown
Lost: Sawyer gets a roundhouse right from the chick from Girlfight.
Veronica Mars: Logan gets pummeled for a veiled reference about Duncan’s love making skill.
Winner: Lost

Did You Notice?
Lost: Hurley’s boss at the Chicken place was Locke’s boss at the box company (I did).
Veronica Mars: The dude from the crash site was the same dude who washed up on the beach (I didn’t).
Winner: Lost

Love Quadrangle
Lost: After being hit by Ana Lucia, Sawyer seems to be smitten by her which sets up the love quadrangle I predicted last season between them and Jack and Kate.
Veronica Mars: None although I hope that Meg comes out of her coma to hook up with Logan.
Winner: Lost

Intangibles
Lost: Hurley’s buddy was played by the uber-nerd from Road Trip.
Veronica Mars: Veronica impersonates Mr. Burns and Big Gay Al.
Winner: Veronica Mars

So Lost is the winner this week, nothing like a Hurley-centric episode for the show to get back on track. On for all you lost fans be sure to check out: http://www.thehansofoundation.org/ then check out https://www.thehansofoundation.org/ then please leave a comment in the comment section and tell me what exactly these are and what is with the licenses.

Next Week
Lost: We may get to learn more about the Others.
Veronica Mars: Apparently Veronica will overlook that she may have caused the bus crash to take on a new case.
Early Winner: Lost

I Wish the Real World Would Stop Hassling Me v.2

The latest installment of The Surreal Life has finally ended and I am convinced that between that and E!’s Kill Reality that we a closing in to the very first reality fatality. The only question is if it will be manslaughter or an overdose, granted Ruthie came very close to it a few years back in the Hawaii version of The Real World. And faster than the last cast could slap lawsuits on each other, a new batch of surreal lifers have been named. Can any of the newbies beat a coked out Janice or the top 10 greatest TV moment of Mini Me peeing in a corner naked two season’s ago. Here are the has-beens that will try:

Sherman Helmsley is best known as George Jefferson. I’m a huge fan of Helmsley and am still mad at BET for no longer carrying that and his other television classic Amen. As the lone African-American, one can only hope the word “cracker” is uttered by him at least five times an episode. He will be playing the role of token washed up actor (Emmanuel Lewis, Erik Estrada, Dave Coulier, Christopher Knight, Bronson Pinchot).

Steve Harwell is responsible for forever having songs like All-Star and Walkin' on the Sun forever burned on our brain. He will be playing the role as the token washed up singer (Vince Neil, Jordan Knight)

CC DeVille is the coked up guitarist for Poison and if anyone saw the Behind the Music for the band can tell that CC is clinically insane which is perfect for The Surreal Life. He will be playing the role of the token insane person (Corey Feldman, Ron Jeremy, Brigitte Nielsen, Joanie Laurer, Janice Dickenson).

Tawny Kitaen, for anyone who grew up in the 80’s was best known for being the hot hood ornament in the Whitesnake video. For people who grew up in the 90’s will remember as the ugly chick that beat up Indians pitcher Chuck Findley with her shoe. Dare I say she will be the token mother figure (Gabrielle Carteris, Tammy Faye Bakker, Charo, Jane Wiedlin)

Andrea Lowell is billed as “Playboy TV’s” so she basically is the token hot chick with no resume (Brande Roderick, Traci Bingham, Marcus Schenkenberg, Caprice Bourret)

But the highlight of the season will be the house member that defies any classification, Alexis Arquette. (S)he is the cross-dressing brother/sister to David, Rosanna and Patricia. I’m fully expecting a Mimi-Me moment out of him/her.

There is another guest the VH1 is hyping as a mystery hunk to be chosen from a pool of reality shows to fill up the token reality star and my sources say it will be Mavin of the MTV/WWE reality show, Tough Enough. Apperently he wasn’t as he recently got cut by the wrestling company. Whoever I is will be following in the steps of Jerri Manthey, Trishelle Cannatella, Ryan Starr, Adrianne Curry, and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.


And it seems like VH1 likes to make reality shows from former surreal lifer (Strange Love, My Fair Brady) one can only hope they follow Jancie and Omarosa into the court room. For this cast I see Alexis in a Crying Game type show with CC not realizing (s)he’s a dude. I am a little disappointed that the producers didn’t choose any of the has-beens that I suggested last time, so here again are my suggestions for the next cast of the Surreal Life (feel free to leave your fantasy cast in the comments section):

Token washed up actor - The dude not named Paul Reiser on My Two Dads

Token hot chick with no resume - The Playmate of the Year that was arrested for fighting over Jeff Garcia

Token mother figure - Suzanne Somers

Token insane person - The other Corey, Corey Haim

Token reality star - Tonya from Real World, Kill Reality

Token rapper - Mr. I Wish, Skee-Lo

Token washed up musician - Hootie, which would be the next logical step from the Burger King ad

Will You Let Me Romanticize

Last year, Jamie Cullum released a jazzy album, Twentysomething, which was very reminiscent of a male version of Norah Jones but with a little more of an edge. Well that and less album sales and Grammys. And to take the comparison a little further, Jones went on to collaborate with Outkast while Cullum’s latest album, Catching Tales was produced by Pharrell of the Neptunes. Coincidently, Cullum, covered Pharrell’s Frontin' on his last album.

Pharrell’s influence isn’t evident in the beats as Catching Tales is still piano heavy just like Cullum’s previous outing, but the pianist does seem have more of a swagger this time around especially on the album opener, Get Your Way, a breezy song highlighted by a horn section straight out of the bag band era. The closest the album comes to a hip-hop beat is an acoustic riff on the last song, My Yard that closely resembles an Usher song.

The stand out tracks on his last album were the eclectic cover song like the previous mentioned Frontin' along with Radiohead’s High and Dry and Jimi Hendrix’s The Wind Cries Mary all arranged to fit Cullum’s jazzy background. There are a few more covers on this album starting with the old Flamingo’s classic, I Only Have Eyes for You which doesn’t sound quite right without the “Sho-wop, sho-wop’s.” Cullum also take a stab at a sadly overlooked gem, Catch the Sun by the Doves, which Cullum does a little better at, but you still should check the original sometimes.

Even though Cullum usually does a very good job at covering other artist song, he does a good job creating his own songs. Keeping with the cocksure he seemed to inherit from Pharrell, there’s also Nothing I Do. The song is about not being able to impress that one special girl but that doesn’t stop you from trying. The best part of the song is the line, “Yesterday I called you back and you called me a stupid twat.” Excuse me for going into Butthead mode, but, “Ha, ha, he said ‘twat.’” He even has the gall to end the song with a whistle solo yet somehow still making it sound cool.

Song to Download – Get Your Way

Catching Tales gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Hey, How Long Till the Music Drowns You Out?

Ashlee Simpson’s take 2 on Saturday Night Live has come and gone and for some reason, I felt inclined to watch it yet again. Yeah she actually sang, but that’s not necessarily a good thing for her. I also love the new keyboardist who has been added to her band after her tone deaf performance during the Orange Bowl last year singing every single word along with her. After Saturdays poor performance I wouldn’t be surprised it the make the keyboardist a little louder on her next live performance. And even though she didn’t pull out the jig again she still performs like a contestant in a middle school talent show.

The sad thing is that the writers did nothing to poke fun at last year’s debacle at any time during the performance as if it never happened. Seriously the joke wrote itself and most likely would have been funnier than anything else on the show. The Kanye West and Mike Myers bit was the funniest part of the show last week, why not try it again? And herein lies the problem of this season of SNL – no Tina Fey. She has carried the show in recent years as the head writer and the best Weekend Update anchor since Norm McDonald. And with Fey and Maya Rudolf out with babies, why did they not bring in new females to the cast this year. Now we are stuck with a solid Amy Poehler and a not very funny Rachael Dratch to carry the load and sadly, I’m sure we’ll see a lot of Horatio Sanz in a dress this year. Speaking of the guy who break characters so much he makes Jimmy Fallon look professional, how did Sanz get to take Fey’s spot at the Update desk? I am now convinced that he has something over Loren Michaels. And surely it doesn’t help when you bring in hosts that simply are not funny like the dude from Napealon Dynamite. Then later they are bringing in Chatherine Zeta-Jones and Lance Armstrong, and so it won’t get much better.

But with all the trash talk of Ashlee, I do have a confession to make – I actually like the Boyfriend song. And it’s not like LaLa that was entertaining when hearing it sung by an old dude at karaoke kinda way either (you have not lived until you heard my version). When she continually yells “ha” just adds the cheese factor to the point it’s entertaining. And after going threw her ugly black hair period, she actually looked hot in the video too. Granted I have a theory only the most beautiful girls in the world can pull off dark hair yet just anyone can look hot with blonde. The quick editing hide her bad dancing and when she slaps her butt during her many “ha’s” makes me laugh every time. But the best part of the video is how anemic the drummer looks every time the camera is on as if he just came back from a lobotomy. You can almost hear his inner voice saying “This is what my career has come to – drumming for the least credible artist since Milli Vanilli.” Unfortunately, Ashlee when with the killed any buzz she gain by going blonde with the weird hair extensions she was sporting on SNL.

One quick baseball note, I mentioned yesterday that it looked like the Berkman grand slam and Burke walk off home run were hit in the same place and apparently I was right as the same guy caught both balls. Somebody better give that guy season tickets for life for coming up with both balls that should make their way to Cooperstown someday.

The New Killer B(urke)

I was planning on ripping Ashlee Simpson’s latest poor outing on Saturday Night Live, but I was sidetracked today by the six hour, eighteen inning playoff game between the Houston Astros and Atlanta Braves. After being down 6-1 in the bottom of the eighth, one of longtime killer B, Lance Berkman hit a grand slam into the Crawford Boxes to get within a run. Then in the bottom of the 9th, down to their last out, Brad Ausmus tied up the game with a home run that was so close to the yellow line, ever time they replayed it at regular speed, I couldn’t see it hit above it. Major props to the umpire that had the great eye to see it. Then after that score, there was essentially a second game play as the game went another nine innings after that. There were some close plays on both sides with Luke Scott coming within inches of a walk off homerun in the 10th and the Braves left them loaded in the 14th. In the end, the box score ended up looking like that of an all-star game with all the switches to the roster with all but one position player not getting into the game. The Astros even had four different players at first base and Eric Bruntlett coming in the eighth as a short shop only to move to center field the back to short only to end the game at center.

The ending finally came after Rodger Clemens coming in to pinch hit in the 15th and follow that up with three scoreless innings. Then in the bottom of the 18th, after Clemens struck out, the newest killer B, Chris Burke hit a ball into the Craford Boxes, almost exactly in the same place Berkman, who Burke pinch ran for way back in the 10th, ten innings earlier for the walk off home run. And just like that, the longest playoff game ever was over.

Now the Astros will travel to St. Louis to start that series on Wednesday. So much for Lost and Veronica Mars (hopefully it will be an early start and won’t go 18 innings). With Pettitte starting game one with Clemens and Oswalt to follow and in a possible seven game series, having those guys on the mound for most likely six of the games, I am very confident that the Astros can make it to the World Series this year. I really hope Carlos Beltran is having fun watching this from his multimillion dollar couch.

I Guess it Wasn't Really Right

Everyone knows who Nickelback is; they exploded back in 2001 after How You Remind Me exploded onto radio and was played everywhere from football stadiums to bar mitzvahs to the point where they had those five word in our head, are we having fun yet (of course this is not to be confused with the five words Bon Jovi swore to us). Well I recently got those five words out of my head just in time for the release of their latest album, All the Right Reasons.

By now most people have heard the first single off the album, Photograph (no it’s not the Def Leppard song, nor is Animal the Def Leppard song either). The song is like a musical version of having your parents sit you down and force you to watch their photo log of their vacation that they didn’t bother to invite you on. Not necessarily what you want people to originally associate with your record. Luckily the most of the album isn’t as sappy as Photograph except for the depressingly sad (and I mean it in a bad way) Far Away or the tree hugging hippie sounding If Everyone Care. The last song, Rockstar and it’s weird pseudo-bluesy sound and so bad they are funny lyrics about the life of a rockstar are saved by the appearance of one of the bearded dudes from ZZ Top.

The band has never been known for any thought provoking lyrics, check out the uber-perverse Figured You Out from their last record, and their reputation won’t changed on All the Right Reasons. Follow You Home takes the “No Means Yes” philosophy to dating. Fight for All the Wrong Reasons take a page out of the Figured You Out lyric book with lines like, “It's just a little hard to leave when you're going down on me.” What girl wouldn’t be swept off her feet with a line like that?

Silly lyrics aside, the band does get down to rocking a little with the help of Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top on two tracks and the late Dimebag from Pantera on another. Bringing in a couple Americans to rock is a good idea from the band because Canadian rock about as good as American can play hockey. But really after listening to the album a couple times I really hope the Canadians stop importing horrible rock music (see also: Sum41 and Avril Lavigne) and go back to importing the best Canadian resources, comedians and beer. And thank goodness hockey is back, or at least I've heard.

Song to Download – Follow You Home

All the Right Reasons gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Toss Up: Lost vs Veronica Mars week 2

Wednesday was the second head to head meeting between Lost and Veronica Mars, luckily my Astros played the early game and thus didn’t conflict with the two best shows on television today. Hopefully, I so lucky in upcoming weeks but the upside would be if the Astros are playing on Wednesday that means they are still in the playoffs. But back to the scripted entertainment, I am toying with the idea of doing this segment this season and will be spoiler heavy if you haven’t seen them. So onto this week’s competition:

Guest Stars
Lost: Peggy Bundy as Locke’s former flame sans Al.
Veronica Mars: Silent Bob playing a shady convenience store clerk sans Jay.
Winner: Veronica Mars.

New Cast Member
Lost: Ana Lucia as a captive turn captor who may or may not be consorting with the Others.
Veronica Mars. Jackie as newly stuck up 09er who is the daughter of baseball player, Terrence Stamp.
Winner: Lost (I’m really not liking Jackie so far, it may be the actress)

Daddy Issues
Lost: Locke is still bitter that dad used him solely for his liver.
Veronica Mars: Jessie is bitter that everyone thinks her bus driving dad committed suicide.
Winner: Lost

Biggest Shock
Lost: The bunker is some sort of University sponsored experience.
Veronica Mars: Meg survived.
Winner: Lost

MIA
Lost: Shannon
Veronica Mars: Weevil
Winner: Veronica Mars (How dare Lost leaved off the token hot chick?)

Best Cultural Reference
Lost: Sawyer call one of his captor’s Shaft.
Veronica Mars: Veronica wonders why birds suddenly appear when she is close to Sheriff Lamb.
Winner: Veronica Mars (Yeah, Shaft is way cooler than the Carpenters, but it’s all about the delivery and situation)

Ending
Lost: Jack gives into temptation and hits execute. (Yawn)
Veronica Mars: A body washes on-shore with Veronica’s name written on his hand. (Wow)
Winner: Veronica Mars

So this week goes to Veronica Mars who once again had the stronger overall episode while Lost once again had a lot of boring points including seeing the same scene for the third week in a row. Did we really need to see it twice, let along three times? And like Michael’s flashbacks last week, nothing interesting came out of Locke’s flashbacks. Looking ahead:

Next Week
Lost: Jin speaks perfect English.
Veronica Mars: Veronica becomes a suspect in the bus crash.
Early Predicted Winner: Lost

Current Theories Based on Last Week
Lost: Locke was paralyzed when shot by his dad while trespassing.
Veronica Mars: Beaver and Dick are not blood brothers.


While I’m on the subject of television, I wanted to make a quick note on Survivor. How could they possible kick off all the hot chicks in three consecutive weeks? Seriously, how could anyone vote for the hotties with great bodies Morgan, Brianna, and Brooke over Lydia and her old, out of shape with hip surgery? Even if all of them didn’t contribute anything physically to the tribe, you should at least keep them around for something to look out. I hope Judd goes insane in the next couple days when he has nothing better to look at than Margaret. Quite simply worst Survivor ever. EVER. If fact I am switching my Thursday pecking order to:

1. Smallville
2. Everybody Hates Chris
3. Survivor
4. Sorry Alias, you’re still off the radar.

I will leave you with one last look at the fallen. (Cue It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday)

Do You Really Know Me at All?

For a long time Liz Phair was the queen of indie-rock. The only problem with that is that indie-rock doesn’t do a very good job at paying the bill. So on her last album, entitled, um appropriately, Liz Phair, she teamed up with the production team the brought us Avril Lavigne, The Matrix. The album, full of soft rock very reminiscent of the previously mentioned Lavigne, finally got Phair onto the radio with catch songs such as Why Can’t I. Keeping with the formula that made the self-titled album a hit, Phair is back with her latest effort, Somebody’s Miracle.

The first track, Leap of Innocence can sum up the album as a whole, because where on the last album, she made a hop into the realm of pop music, but with Somebody’s Miracle, Phair takes a leap into innocent music. Throughout most of the album, it sound like a high school choir member trying to read sheet music for the first time as she carefully tries to hit every note just right and the same goes for the musicians backing her.

There are very few songs here that are even worthy of listening to more than once. The best of them being the current single, Everything to Me which is as cookie cutter as everything else but its lovelorn lyrics do have a sense of emotion that is lacking elsewhere on the album. But the other songs sound like they belong on a Hilary Duff album.

Song to Download – Everything to Me

Somebody’s Miracle gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I Promise You Everything Will be Just Fine

With music companies worried about shrinking music sales, they have gone to extreme measure to ensure a hit. A couple years ago, it was rumored that executives at Dave Matthews Band’s record companies rejected what would be known as the Lilywhite Sessions because there wasn’t a “hit.” Dave and boys would end up shelving that record and wound up releasing a far more pop, and inferior record, Everyday. The Lilywhite Sessions ended up seeing the light of day a couple years later after reworking the tracks with a new producer on the album Busted Stuff.

The latest battle between the record companies and the artist (and fans for that matter) was spearheaded by the shelving of Fiona Apple’s album. But much like the DMB incident, the fans protested and the record company decided to put the album in the pipeline and Apple decided to rerecord much of the album. In a bit of irony, the original producer who also helped out with Apple previous albums, Jon Brion, went on to co-produce Kanye West’s Late Registration while Apple brought in Mike Elizondo, best know or his work with Dr. Dre’s extended musical family, to replace Brion.

So now we can finally hear for ourselves the finished album, Extraordinary Machine. The album starts off with the title track, one of the few leftovers from the Brion sessions, it's a light song that utilized sparse instruments such as a stand up bass and an occasional ringing of a bell. Apple also uses her voice almost as an instrument itself making it very reminiscent of the jazz singers of early last century. From there, the album utilizes many different interments that many other artists don’t even think of using like a xylophone on Tymps (The Sick in the Head Song). Apple does go simplistic on the beautiful Parting Gift where it’s just here and her piano.

Extraordinary Machine does have it spots though. Upon multiple spins, the chorus to Window, started to get on my nerves. Also the back to back songs with repetitive titles, Please, Please, Please and Red, Red, Red also wear thin after listening to the album a couple times. It’s odd that Apple would slip into these devises when she goes out of her way to push the boundaries of music elsewhere on the album.

Apple has always been a talented lyrist, but this album seemed to get an extra boost thanks to the break up between her and her most recent boyfriend as seen in titles such as Get Him Back, Parting Gifts, and Not About Love. She even starts off Get Him Back with the lines, “One man, he'd disappoint me. He'd give me the gouge and he take my glee. Now every other man I see remind me of the one man who disappointed me.” So obviously the breakup wasn’t a good one. But at least it makes for a good album.

Song to Download – Extraordinary Machine

Extraordinary Machine gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

What's Wrong With a Little Destruction

The first time I heard Franz Ferdinand was a couple years back when I got one of the Madden Series and Take Me Out was on it. Since I plated the game way too much, the song got on real tired to me by the time it hit the radio to the point I would always turn it off and play Madden on mute to avoid the song. A couple months went by, and I had moved on from playing Madden for hours a day, I saw the song again on the original PSP commercial and the song began to grow on me again.

Franz Ferdinand named for the dude who started the First World War, is back with their second album, You Could Have it so Much Better. Much of the songs are so upbeat ands danceable, it make you sad that summer is over, but at least you will have something to put on at your Halloween party when Monster Mash gets overplayed. The party gets started with The Fallen, the catchiest of all the dance songs, but still has a dirty feel to it. The new single Do You Want To sounds like something that would be at home at the disco in the 70’s. Well That Was Easy has the type of time changes that made Take Me Out a hit. And oddly enough, the start of Evil and a Heathen sounds exactly like the Theme to 9 to 5.

When the band slows things down, such on Eleanor Put Your Boots On, they come across sounding like a Beatles cover band, except the lead singer, Alex Kapranos, sound as if he can’t decide whether he wants to channel Lennon or Dylan. Fade Together, another slow one, sounds like something out of the Beatles psychedelic phase. But if you take out the slow songs that drag down the album, you will have something to party to until at least the New Year.

Song to Download – The Fallen

You Can Have it so Much Better gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Don't Ever Call Me Again

From the trailer, Cellular looked intriguing. A kidnapped woman is able to fix a broken telephone to the point where she can make a call to an unknown person. My only problem is that I completely and utterly hate cell phone. Everyone I see yapping on the phone at the stoplight, grocery story, bathroom, and virtually everywhere else, I just want to scream “you are not that important that you need to contacted at any given moment.” I only carry a cell phone when I drive just because my hoopie can give out on me at any given moment. So needless to say, I had a bias against the film going in.

The movie stars Kim Basinger, best known for Final Analysis, as the previously mention damsel in distress, while Chris Evans, who has such gems as Not Another Teen Movie and Fantastic Four on his resume, as the knight in shinning amour, except a sword he carries a cell phone that probably cost a couple hundred. Filling out the cast is William H Macy, challenging Samuel L Jackson for number of movies he’s in regardless of quality, as a cop investigating the case, Jessica Biel as the token hot chick even though she rarely can fill the role properly, and Kim’s husband is played by Susan Mayer’s ex-husband.

There were plenty of plot holes throughout the movie, the one that bugged me the most was the school schedules in the movie. First the little kid gets out of school at 1:45, who actually get out that early. Then his mother is a high school science teacher, yet she has enough time to walk to him to the bus stop and take a shower, and still not be late for school herself. How much later does high school start after elementary school in California, in all the schools in my area, high school starts about an hour earlier? And speaking of the shower, why didn’t the housekeeper answer the phone while Kim was in there and even is she isn’t allowed to answer it, why didn’t she her the warning message? But I did like how her science job helped her out later in the film.

The movie also falls flat when it tries to interject humor into the script. Kim’s son having the same name as a cheesy singer just doesn’t work and ruins the urgency of the moment and Evan’s character being introduced as he was in a romantic comedy complete with a ex-girlfriend he wants to get back with and Stifler type sidekick also seems out of place too. There were even more scenes of this included in the deleted scenes including a token performance this time by G Love. The only thing that actually got me to chuckle was Macy’s porn star mustache. The movie also utilizes everything that could wrong with cell phones, tunnels, running out of juice, crossing signals, the latter being the most entertaining which involves a evil LA lawyer.

Cellular gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Now We Grieve Cause Now Is Gone

With all the new shows that needed to be reviewed, I really haven’t had the time to review a summer show that just ended. The first season of Rescue Me was so entertaining that it won the inaugural STA for Best Cable Show for its first season. That season we were introduced to the gang that included the ultimate alpha-male Tommy, the chief Jerry, the old dude Kenny, the new guy Probie, the ladies man Franco, and the idiot Garrity. The season ended with Franco condition unknown after getting hurt due to Tommy’s mistake with Tommy adding anger to his guilt when his wife took off with their kids.

As the second season starts, Tommy asks for a transfer and is ship off to the suburbs where nothing happens, Franco recovered but picked up a painkiller habit, and Tommy’s kids were nowhere to be found. But each episode is started with the heart pounding C’mon, C’mon. Other main storylines that were introduced was Kenny now was living at the firehouse after getting a divorce, and the chief having to care for his wife who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

Tommy does still drive the show. In an attempt to look like a better father in hopes to win custody of his kids once he finds them, he decides to sober up. This eliminates the ghost he continually would see last season. Grant the side effect of being sober was that he now kept on seeing Jesus and on occasion Mary Magdalene who, at least in the entertainment department, was more entertaining than the many ghosts that haunted the alcoholic Tommy.

There were a few storylines this year that I could have done without, most notably the one with Tommy’s half-brother priest. But as a whole the second season was just as entertaining as the first. The most entertaining is whenever Garrety walk on the screen and show some great comic chops, from helping Probie to determine whether he had ball cancer to debating the existence of God with Tommy’s youngest daughter, Garrety always brings his A game. And with everything that happened at the end of this season, it looks like season three is shaping up to be as good as the previous two.

Rescue Me 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.