I Wish the Real World Would Stop Hassling Me v.2

The latest installment of The Surreal Life has finally ended and I am convinced that between that and E!’s Kill Reality that we a closing in to the very first reality fatality. The only question is if it will be manslaughter or an overdose, granted Ruthie came very close to it a few years back in the Hawaii version of The Real World. And faster than the last cast could slap lawsuits on each other, a new batch of surreal lifers have been named. Can any of the newbies beat a coked out Janice or the top 10 greatest TV moment of Mini Me peeing in a corner naked two season’s ago. Here are the has-beens that will try:

Sherman Helmsley is best known as George Jefferson. I’m a huge fan of Helmsley and am still mad at BET for no longer carrying that and his other television classic Amen. As the lone African-American, one can only hope the word “cracker” is uttered by him at least five times an episode. He will be playing the role of token washed up actor (Emmanuel Lewis, Erik Estrada, Dave Coulier, Christopher Knight, Bronson Pinchot).

Steve Harwell is responsible for forever having songs like All-Star and Walkin' on the Sun forever burned on our brain. He will be playing the role as the token washed up singer (Vince Neil, Jordan Knight)

CC DeVille is the coked up guitarist for Poison and if anyone saw the Behind the Music for the band can tell that CC is clinically insane which is perfect for The Surreal Life. He will be playing the role of the token insane person (Corey Feldman, Ron Jeremy, Brigitte Nielsen, Joanie Laurer, Janice Dickenson).

Tawny Kitaen, for anyone who grew up in the 80’s was best known for being the hot hood ornament in the Whitesnake video. For people who grew up in the 90’s will remember as the ugly chick that beat up Indians pitcher Chuck Findley with her shoe. Dare I say she will be the token mother figure (Gabrielle Carteris, Tammy Faye Bakker, Charo, Jane Wiedlin)

Andrea Lowell is billed as “Playboy TV’s” so she basically is the token hot chick with no resume (Brande Roderick, Traci Bingham, Marcus Schenkenberg, Caprice Bourret)

But the highlight of the season will be the house member that defies any classification, Alexis Arquette. (S)he is the cross-dressing brother/sister to David, Rosanna and Patricia. I’m fully expecting a Mimi-Me moment out of him/her.

There is another guest the VH1 is hyping as a mystery hunk to be chosen from a pool of reality shows to fill up the token reality star and my sources say it will be Mavin of the MTV/WWE reality show, Tough Enough. Apperently he wasn’t as he recently got cut by the wrestling company. Whoever I is will be following in the steps of Jerri Manthey, Trishelle Cannatella, Ryan Starr, Adrianne Curry, and Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.


And it seems like VH1 likes to make reality shows from former surreal lifer (Strange Love, My Fair Brady) one can only hope they follow Jancie and Omarosa into the court room. For this cast I see Alexis in a Crying Game type show with CC not realizing (s)he’s a dude. I am a little disappointed that the producers didn’t choose any of the has-beens that I suggested last time, so here again are my suggestions for the next cast of the Surreal Life (feel free to leave your fantasy cast in the comments section):

Token washed up actor - The dude not named Paul Reiser on My Two Dads

Token hot chick with no resume - The Playmate of the Year that was arrested for fighting over Jeff Garcia

Token mother figure - Suzanne Somers

Token insane person - The other Corey, Corey Haim

Token reality star - Tonya from Real World, Kill Reality

Token rapper - Mr. I Wish, Skee-Lo

Token washed up musician - Hootie, which would be the next logical step from the Burger King ad