We on Award Tour - 2005 VMAs Predictions

We are just a couple days until the MTV Video Music Award, the pantheon of all award show. I have already given my predictions (We on Award Tour – MTV VMA Nominations) but I did miss one award because it hadn’t been finalized.

Viewers’ Choice
Snoop Dogg w/Pharrell, "Drop it Like it’s Hot"
Green Day, "American Idiot"
Kelly Clarkson, "Since U Been Gone"
My Chemical Romance, "Helena"
Shakira w/Alejandro Sanz, "La Tortura"

Who I Voted For: Drop it Like it’s Hot
Who Will Win: Since U Been Gone

I think the pseudo-punk of Green Day and My Chemical Romance will cancel each other out and Shakira is a non factor, so this is basically a two man race. On a side note, MTV made a game out of the voting this year, check out their website to play/vote.

But let’s be honest, the VMA’s are not about the awards, c’mon, they gave Jennifer Lopez a Best Hip-Hop moonman, the show is about the performances and a platform to give us things like the triumphant return of Pee-Wee Herman, a Van Halen reunion, and Fartman. With last year’s lackluster show, I fully expect MTV to pull out all the stops to make this year memorable. I have already got wind of the first must see moment, the return to MTV of its greatest personalities, Beavis and Butthead. That alone should make up for last year’s flop. Hear are other things you should expect from the performances:

50 Cent – Medley alert! He has yet to have a big hit off his latest album, so there is going to be a medley of 2-3 of his songs. The performance will be very ghetto, but don’t expect too many people around him as most of his posse got arrested recently. The Game will make an apperence, well not actually the game, but some one posing The Game, who will get punked out by 50. And if we are lucky, a gun fight will ensue and Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan get caught in the cross fire.

Coldplay – They are there to sing Fix You, and there will be the weird light thing that appears in the video, aside from that, don’t expect much else except for a lecture about maketradefair.com.

Ludacris – At first glance, this seems like an odd choice considering Ludacris didn’t really have a big hit this year, or really ever had a cross-over hit. But her is why Ludacris is there: because Mike Myers will show up during his performance as Austin Powers, who Ludacris wax poetic about during his song #1 Spot. Just remember you heard it her first.

Shakira – This will be much like her performance a couple years back, lots of percussionists and lots of booty shaking, but this year it will be to La Tortura.

Mariah Carey – Expect her to sing the new song her new song, Shake it Off. There will be a lot of back up dancers and most like an appearance by the midget named Jermaine Dupree. Like her Movie Awards performance, this will make for a good bathroom break.

The Killers – The big hit, Mr. Brightside will be on the playlist and hopefully Eric Roberts and the Kate Bosworth look-alike make an appearance too.

Green Day – They will be performing the poignant Wake Me Up When September Ends with images from that video playing in the background. I also have a feeling there will be an encore with Green Day bringing out possibly members of the Ramones to take on Blitzkrieg Pop.

Kelly Clarkson – Medley Alert! Since You Been Gone and Behind These Hazel Eyes will both get some airtime, which can only mean Kelly will be breaking stuff while wearing a wet wedding dress. That could turn out to be entertaining.

Kanye West – The early frontrunner to be the best of show. Kanye will be surrounded by his posse, John Legend, Common, Jamie Foxx while performing his latest hit Gold Digger. After the song comes to a conclusion, Kanye will be the original backpack rappers on stage, A Tribe Called Quest, to do their classic Scenario. Don’t be surprised by a Busta Rhymes appearance her too.

R. Kelly – R. Kelly was just recently announced to be performing, I guess it took a while to get the paperwork done because of that whole thing about Kelly needing permission to leave Illinois. My first thought would be he’s would act out the most talked about song in a while, Trapped in the Closet. But then I realized that it would be silly to do just one chapter and doing all five would take up over 20 minutes. And the other songs on the album haven’t actually caught on. So what we will get to see is the premiere of Trapped in the Closet chapter 6, the next in saga.

But none of this may not happen because the VMA’s might debut a new diva down in Miami named Katrina. And even if she is out of the area by Sunday, she may do enough damage outside that puts a damper on the two-hour pre-show. I originally though Chris Martin would start his performance outside and wonder into the venue like the video, but Katrina most like ruined that idea. As for the opening, I think MTV should mock one of their more famous openings and bring out currently the most entertaining rumored couple, Quentin Terantino and Sharr Jackson, make out and announce, “And people said we wouldn’t last.” Now that’s pure humor.

We Drew Our Own Constellations

Jack Johnson's music crept up on me out of nowhere. Without any airplay or video spins, it seemed like every one of my friends all of the sudden became infatuated with him a few years ago. I, too, caught the bug with his laid back approach to music and the best storytelling of this generation. Eventually his albums Brushfire Fairytales and On and On were on heavy rotation on my CD player. It is a good chance that his latest album, In Between Dreams will join the other two.

With the first listen to In Between Dreams, it doesn’t deviate from the style of it predecessors. The songs are sparse, with the Jack on the guitar and unassuming bass and percussion on most tracks with the occasional piano and accordion. And like his previous work, when you close your eyes, you can envision yourself on the beach with your buddies around a bonfire, sipping on some mai-tai’s.

Lyrically, Johnson strives at just lounging around, enjoying life. In the album opener, Better Together, he sings, “Oh the places we got to be we’ll sit beneath the mango tree.” He even tries other to join him in his lounging on Banana Pancakes, “Pretend like it’s the weekend and we can pretend it all the time. Can’t you see that it’s raining, there ain’t no need to go outside.” The best of these songs is Breakdown where Johnson, with nothing better to do, hopes his train breaks down so he can just walk around and enjoy the scenery. I was slightly disappointed when I first heard the song on the album because I originally heard a remixed version by the Handsome Boy Modeling School that I really enjoy. Eventually, I did grow to like this acoustic version of the song.

Johnson has more on his mind than just hanging out with nothing to do. On Good People he ponders “Where’d all the people go?” With the line, “How many train wrecks do we need to see?” seems like knock at all the Osbornes type reality shows, or all reality shows in general for that matter. While the 24-hour news channels seem to be the genesis for the lines, “Bad news misused, got too much to lose. Give me some truth now, who’s side are you on?” The war on Iraq seems to be on his mind on Crying Shame, with lines like “A number of people are numbers that ain’t coming home,” but mankind, itself seems to be the central topic of the song, “By now we should be able to communicate instead of coming to blows.”

As with his pervious albums, Johnson adds some short interludes in between the song, most notably Belle, a song sung mostly in French. Although three years of French and I could only translate one line, “Je ne comprends pas francais (I don’t understand French).” I only remember that because that’s a line I was constantly saying in the class, because, in fact, I didn't understand anything that came out of the teacher's mouth. The album comes to a great conclusion with the mellow Constelllations, a song about laying on you back, on a clear night, sand staring at the stars, just the way you should listen to this album.

Song to Download – Breakdown (Or check out the Handsome Boy Modeling School version of Breakdown)

In Between Dreams gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I'll Send This Message Through the Speakers

Earlier this year, Ben Fold’s released a relatively serious album in Songs for Silverman (see my review - If You Wrote Me Off, I'd Understand It) thus leaving the smart-alec pop genre without a leader. First out the cannon to try to grab the crown is Jack’s Mannequin. The band is the brainchild of Something Corporate’s keyboard player, Andrew McMahon. Tommy Lee makes appearance on the album paying back McMahon who contributed to Lee’s recently released Tommyland: The Ride (see my review - I'd Rather Play You on My TV).

Musically, Jack’s Mannequin’s debut album, Everything in Transit, sounds like a combination of early Weezer without the loud guitars mixed with The Beach Boys without the harmonies. The album starts off with Holiday From Real, a bouncy song that could fit on any Ben Folds Five album and anthem for any slacker, “But if you left it up to me, everyday would be a holiday from real.” The next song is a topic very close to my heart, The Mixed Tape. For those who are longtime readers, you have noticed my affinity to mix tapes. Unlike McMahon, I can’t write and perform my feelings, but like him, with a mix tape, “It's like I wrote every note with my own fingers.”

To keep with the nerd rock theme, he pulls a talking interlude during I’m Ready just like Nada Surf did in Popular. And I’m Ready brings up interesting social issues too, “I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday. When did society decide that we had to change and wash a tee shirt after every individual use: If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.” Preach on brother McMahon, I’ve been wondering that for years. At the end of the rant he says, “My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along.” There he is wrong, as he is making some the best pop music in a while ands we should all sing along. The best song to sing along to on the album La La Lie, which talks a fun approach to the musical scale that seem to frequent pop songs. Even when MFEO parts 1 & 2 run for eight minutes, the song never seem to drag on at any point.

One misstep is Dark Blue where the chorus doesn’t come together for me. I can’t get into this song just yet. The slowed down Rescued doesn’t quite fit on the album either. It’s not necessarily a bad song, but it sticks out from the other bouncy songs on the album.

Song to Download – The Mixed Tape

Everything in Transit gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Hard Times Happen

Many of you may not be familiar with the name Josh Kelley, but if you have an adult contemporary station on your radio preset, there is a very good chance you have heard his song, Amazing quite frequently. The song was safe and could be enjoyed by soccer moms everywhere. I haven’t heard anything else of his until I heard his latest album, Almost Honest and it rarely deviates from the successful Amazing.

The album starts off with Walk Fast, which sounds like he trying to make into a soul song, but isn’t quite able to pull it off. Same goes for Only You that tries to pull off a funky groove. Kelley attempts to recapture the feeling of Amazing with Love Is Breaking My Heart. That goes pretty well until the song just ends abruptly for no apparent reason. I really hate it when songs do that. The album takes a southern feeling on 20 Miles to Georgia with its slid guitar. Hard Times Happen is another stand out track with its use of a chorus. Kelley also puts on his best Jeff Buckley impersonation during Shameless Heart by repeatedly going falsetto. But, needless to say, he’s no Jeff Buckley.

Lyrically, he comes off as a parody of other balladeers that have come before him. Almost Honest conjures up thoughts of such silly songs as Said I Love You... But I Lied and I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That). In the end the album sound like watered down versions of Kelley’s influences and I cannot recommend buying this album. Well, unless your mom’s birthday is coming up, she’d probably like it.

Song to Download – 20 Miles to Georgia

Almost Honest gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Quaffable, But Far From Transcendent

I finally got around to catching on of last years most critically acclaimed movies, Sideway. All during awards season, everyone keeps talking how the movie should win or how it got shafted in certain categories. So with all the build up, I had high expectations for the film. And to say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

The film follows two guys around on one last hooray the week before one of their wedding. The major problem with the film is neither male lead is likeable. We first catch them in a lie, then we drinking and driving, then they stop by one of their mother’s because it the day before her birthday. Except the son steals her money then skips out on her before she can wake up on her birthday. So before the first half hour is over, I could care less about the characters. Thing don’t get much better from their when they meet some girls on their getaway.

There are also a lot of scenes that go excruciatingly long while the characters talk excessively about wine. The movie could have been cut an hour off its run time if they cut the unnecessary talk about wine. There was even a wine montage that looked liked like a montage from the Partridge Family. Okay, they like wine, now let’s get on with the movie.

The movie does pick up once the female leads disappear, but it’s never a good sign when the first time you laugh in a comedy is an hour and a half in. I think it is easy to see why movie critics like this movie as the main character is a fail writer, and I’m sure many critics can relate as they probably have a few rejected novels or screenplay cluttering up their closets. And I find it odd how all the movie critics can pan movies like Wedding Crashers for its gratuitous nudity yet their quite a lot of it in Sideways. And referring to Sidways, by nudity, I mean male nudity. Full frontal male nudity. A lot of it. I was beginning to think there was a gay porn that accidentally got edited into the film.

In the end, I can’t see how anyone who isn’t gay homosexual, over the hill, wannabe writer, wine coinsurer could possibly enjoy this movie. And if you fit that description and you decide to watch the movie, be sure to look out for cameos by George Bush and Donald Rumsfield.

Sideways gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Best of the Video Music Awards Performences

The MTV Video Awards are one week away (check out nominations and my predictions - We On Award Tour - 2005 MTV Video Music Awards Nominations), so I thought I’d throw out my favorite twenty-five performance in the show’s history. I’d like to apologize to Huey Lewis, Simply Red, and all the 80’s acts from the early years for I didn’t get cable until the late 80’s and didn’t get a chance to see your performances. But anyways, here’s my list:

25. Only Wanna Be with You – Hootie & the Blowfish (1996)
24. Are You Gonna Go My Way – Lenny Kravitz (1993)
23. 3 MC’s and 1 DJ/Intergalactic – Beastie Boys (1998)
22. Please – U2 (1997)
21. Stay (Wasting Time) – Dave Matthews Band (1998)
20. Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty & Axl Rose (1989)
19. Tha Crossroads – Bone Thugs ‘n’ Harmony (1996)
18. Fallin’ – Alicia Keys (2001)
17. Living on a Prayer/Wanted Dead or Alive – Bon Jovi (1989)
16. The Rising – Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band (2001)
15. If I Ain’t Got You/Higher Ground – Alicia Keys, Stevie Wonder, & Lenny Kravitz (2004)
14. Testify – Rage Agaist the Machine (2000)
13. One Headlight – The Wallflowers & Bruce Springsteen (1997)
12. Praise You – Fatboy Slim (1999)
11. November Rain – Guns ‘n’ Roses & Elton John (1992)
10. The Real Slim Shady/What I Am – Eminem (2000)
9. I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy & Sting (1997)
8. Rape Me/Lithium – Nirvana (1992)
7. Gett Off – Prince (1991)
6. Even Better Than the Real Thing – U2 and Garth (1992)
5. Jesus Walks/All Falls Down/Through the Wire – Kanye West (2004)
4. Give it Away - Red Hot Chili Pepper (1992)
3. The Scientist – Coldplay (2003)
2. Sabotage - Beastie Boy (1994)
1. Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World – Pearl Jam & Neil Young (1993)

I Support the Left, Though I’m Leaning to the Right

More proof that my home state of Ohio is quickly becoming the new Florida, my governor, Bob Taft, has recently been charged with ethic violations for not reporting golf outings that were paid for by other people. Oh and the number of golf outings is 30 since he took office in 1999. Now that may seem like a lot of time spent playing gold on other people’s dime, but it’s not like he took a five week vacation to do so. But anyways. In all, Taft accepted 52 gifts totaling $6000. I’m sure Tom DeLay is laughing somewhere and thinking to himself, “If you’re going to accept gifts, go big. And once you accept them, you need to somehow make them seem like campaign contributions.” Taft ended up being charged with four misdemeanors.

These charges have brought out the attack dogs like Columbus mayor, Michael Colman said, “At this critical time for Ohio, we cannot afford one more day in which the governor is preoccupied with these scandals at the expense of a focus on creating jobs, reforming education, and moving Ohio forward," Coleman said. "For this reason, I join the bipartisan chorus that concludes it is in the best interest of the citizens of Ohio that Gov. Taft resign and allow us to begin to move forward from this sad time.”

But Taft is not without his supporters Brian Hicks Taft’s former chief of staff said, “I think he's doing a good job taking responsibility, saying it was his mistake. He publicly apologized in court and afterward, and I think people are going to accept that.” Did I forget to mention that Hicks himself was found guilty of ethics violations about a month ago and was fined $1000. And Hicks isn’t the only employee under Taft who has suffered the same fate (from the Akron Beakon Journal):

- February 2004: Luther Heckman, chairman of the Ohio State Racing Commission, resigns following a report that accused commission members of accepting food, drinks, travel and other improper gifts from racetracks they are charged with overseeing. The report found that more than $8,000 in meals and gifts were given by racetracks to the commission's former executive director, staff members and four of five commissioners.

- September 2003: Richard Frenette, director of the Ohio State Fair, resigns over allegations that he inappropriately accepted gifts from vendors doing business with the fair. In one example, Frenette made $6,020 by selling sports tickets he'd acquired personally - such as Ohio State season tickets - to a Columbus company that buys and resells tickets to sporting and entertainment events.

- August 2002: Taft fires Gino Zomparelli, the three-year executive director of the Ohio Turnpike Commission, after an investigation that concluded he and his staff accepted gifts from contractors so often it became part of the agency's culture.

- July 2002: Randy Fischer, director of the Ohio School Facilities Commission, resigns after questions arose about the way the commission awarded contracts. A judge ruled that Fischer had no authority to approve contracts and that state law required the three-person school facilities commission vote on each contract. Fischer also had acknowledged he accepted free rounds of golf from construction company executives in 1999 and 2001.

Great company you keep Bob.

But alas, this story has a boring outcome. Unlike the strung out cases against Bill Clinton, Bob Kerrey, or the one currently going on against Tom DeLay, the case ended quite quickly. Taft pleaded no contest and was promptly found guilty on all four misdemeanors was ordered to pay $4,000 in fines and $76 in court costs and to apologize to Ohio citizens and of course he avoided any jail time even though he was facing two year (six months for each count). Taft’s mandated apology goes as followed:

“As Governor, I expect all state employees to adhere to the letter and spirit of Ohio's ethics laws. I sincerely regret and apologize for my mistakes. I have learned valuable lessons over the past three months during my cooperation with the Ohio Ethics Commission, and it is my hope and expectation that others in public service will benefit from my experience.”

For a man who pleaded no contest, he sure sounded guilty in his apology e-mail. That's right, he apology was sent electronically to various news outlets across Ohio, not given in person. What a stand up guy. I’m actually glad that I never voted for Taft (whom I lovingly refer to as Bush Light). In fact he was the very first Republican I ever voted against. Taft’s policies, along with Bush’s, have completely ruined this state’s schools. I would gladly join any movement to get Taft impeached, or pull a California, and have a recall election. Hey, maybe we can get a movie star governor too. I wonder what Arnold & Jesse’s Predator co-star, Carl Weathers, or as I like to call him, Apollo Creed, is doing?

I Got Soul, But I'm Not a Soldier

I have to admit I didn’t really give The Killers a chance when they first came out. Went I originally heard Somebody Told Me, I just clumped the band with the other pretentious bands that emanated from New York whom all seem to start the band with “The.” Then when Mr. Brightside came out, again, I really wasn’t feeling it, although I did give the song a chance due to the video featuring Eric Roberts and a Kate Bosworth look-a-like. Eventually the song grew on me, and so did the absurdity of the chorus of Somebody Told Me. And I absolutely love All These Things I’ve Done when I first heard it. Eventually I had the urge to buy their album Hot Fuss. But hear in lies the problem, after dropping $2.97 for those songs on iTunes, I didn’t want to spend another $15 to get the whole album. But this week, the band re-released the album with three additional tracks. Normally I would ream the record companies for such practices like I have in the past (Record People Are Shady I, II, III, IV), but once this worked in my favor. As I strolled to my local Best Buy to pick up the album for $9.99, I noticed you could actually pick up the original release for $13.99. For those keeping track at home, that’s four more dollars for three less song. Thus again proving my assumption the music industry is the worst run business ever.

Hot Fuss, if you haven’t been able to tell by the singles already, is an 80’s synth-pop influenced album, accompanied by mostly absurd lyrics and catchy wordplay like my personal favorite, “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” The album starts off with the seriously Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, a song about a lost love, “We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain. She said she loved me, but she had somewhere to go.” This then transitions into the big hit, the upbeat sounding Mr. Brightside. Smile Like You Mean It sounds like something that should be in a Cure tribute album. But the lyrics are more clever than Robert Smith could devise such as, “Save some face, you know you've only got one.”

The wordplay don’t get more absurd than the chorus to the Somebody Told Me, “Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year.” It fun to sing along to, but once to realize what you saying it seems creepy. Who want a girlfriend that looked like some chick’s boyfriend? But anyways. For how weird the chorus to All These Things I’ve Done is, the song of itself is a poignant song about redemption, “Over and in, last call for sin. While everyone's lost, the battle is won with all these things that I've done.”

The band goes for over the top bombast with Andy You’re a Star which deals with the popularity of high school as, “Andy, you're a star in nobody's eyes but mine.” The also slow things down for the original album closer Everything Will Be All Right. There was sort of a feud the band had with The Bravery that I never got until I heard Change Your Mind. Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers, has a point for calling the other band copy cats because The Bravery totally ripped off their sound from this song.

As for the new songs the best is Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll which sounds nothing like anything else on the album. The band borrow the crunching guitars from a Coldplay song, but Flowers approaches the singing like that of a British punk band from the late 80’s. The Ballad of Michael Valentine follows the life of a professional gambler around the country but the name has been changed to protect the innocent. Under the Gun goes faster than most of their songs and sort of features the bands mantra in the chorus “Kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, kill me now, again and again.” This song makes a better finish than the original one and is probably a killer when performed live. (Yes the bad pun was intended)

Song to Download – All These Things I’ve Done

Hot Fuss: Limited Edition gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Reality Bites

I was really excited when I heard Bravo was bringing back The Battle of Network Stars with the small adjustment of The Battle of Network Reality Stars. I vaguely remember as a child the original serious that pitted such luminaries as Scott Baio, Mr. T, and Kojak against one another in cheesy challenges and the games were inexpiably hosted by the king of sport commentary, Howard Cosell. Unfortunately network executive’s egos got in the way and didn’t want their stars on other networks and the stars themselves started getting paid so much, they couldn’t be bothered to run a simple obstacle course. But in the new century, there are plenty of people who are not beneath possibly embarrassing themselves, reality stars. So when the premier of the new version premiered last night, I was there with bells on.

After watching the show, I was thoroughly disappointed with it. I watched expecting to see the old format with network vs. network; instead what we got was a mixed bag of four randomly devised teams with no network affiliation. Yet with the all the randomness, the three teams from The Amazing Race kept their couplings. Also there were some combatants I have never heard of like random chicks from The Swan (I now realized why the show failed because the chick is not at all attractive, I’d hate to see the before picture), The Bachelor, America Next Top Model, Temptation Island, and Bravo tried to sneak two people from their lame reality shows, one from Project Runway and another from Show Biz Moms and Dads. Yet no Gulager, what’s up with that? Then to add a reality twist, the three teams had to vote off at the end of the day. Did they really have to go there? That addition was really unneeded. They also have three sideline reporters, seriously three, Omarosa, Trishelle, and Bachelor Bob. Yet the host of the show is some nobody.

With all that complaining, I have to admit I will continue to watch every episode they air. The highlight of the first show was the alpha male posturing between The Miz and Richard Hatch as who would be their team captain. For my prediction on who will win, I am putting my money on the green team. They have three winners on their team (Chip and Kim from The Amazing Race and Will from Big Brother), they also have Theo who has won multiple Real World/Road Rules challenges. The green is also the only team with only three girls (all the other have four girls and guys each) one of which is Sue Hawk (can we get her a drug test?) but they do have two girly men, Joe Schmo and one of the Average Joes. The Battle of the Network Reality Stars is on Bravo at 9:00 but is repeated constantly throughout the week.

Dannon Cares: Fighting Hunger in America

I received an email today from Dannon (the yogart people) reading: With every click, Dannon will contribute $1 to America’s Second Harvest–the Nation’s Food Bank Network. Every $1 donated helps America’s Second Harvest provide 15 meals* to children in need. I’ve made a big deal lately about the poverty in Africa, but we still have a epidemic here in the United States, not necessarily the extreme poverty that if found in Africa, but no child, wherever they are from should go hungry. If this is something you feel you can get behind, go ahead and follow this link to do your small role - Click Here.

Unfortunately Heather Locklear Couldn’t Be Here

I’m a big fan of roast. Seeing comedians, who spend their careers making fun of everyone, get knock down a peg is thoroughly enjoyable. Unfortunately, there has been a rash of roasts lately featuring non comedians like Hugh Hefner on Comedy Central and MTV doing their own roast of Carson Daly. Luckily MTV learned their lesson and haven’t done once since. Comedy Central wasn’t as wise as they recently did a roast of Pamela Anderson. For those who missed it, Pam is loose, Andy Dick is gay, Courtney Love is one year sober (according to her), Tommy Lee has a humongous, well you know, and apparently so does Bea Arthur. Oh, and yes, that was a see-threw shirt she was wearing.

Ironically, watching the roast was just like watching her sex tape, it’s extremely entertaining while watching it, but once it’s over you feel dirty for doing so. I laughed uncontrollably for most of the show, let I can’t remember anything that was actually funny. A lot of vulgarity peppered the show, not that anyone didn’t know what was getting bleeped out. For those who weren’t sure what was being said, Comedy Central is showing an uncensored version late Saturday. As everyone when for the over the top roast, Bea Arthur actually gave the best roast by going minimalist. All she did was read chapters from one of Pam books, and there is nothing more disturbingly funny than Bea Arthur talking threw the voice of a gay character in Pam’s book explaining the best way to enjoy anal sex. That was the only time in my life where I almost threw up while laughing.

As the low lights, some of the lowest included Jeffery Ross saying, “how is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse Kurt Cobain?” Although I did laugh when he referring to Anna Nicole Smith, “Hey, can someone get her a 90 year old (expletive deleted) to suck?” For those keeping track at home, that was two dead husband jokes by Ross. For Love, she stood up and almost bum rushed Ross, and basically anyone who ripped her. When Love got up for her own roast, Jimmy Kimmel said what everyone was thinking, “If this is sober, there is a real problem.” There also a couple “comedians that I’ve never heard of, and most like will never hear from again. Inexplicably, Eddie Griffin was cut from the show to showcase the other stiffs. I’m not sure if Griffin was any better, but I at least knew who he was. Keep in mind there weren’t any no-names at the roast fore Denis Leary.

We also had a musical performance by Tommy Lee. Seriously, a musical performance at a roast that wasn’t trying to be funny, how lame is that? Now had he performed Tired, which I talked about in his album review (I'd Rather Play You on My TV), that may have been more appropriate for a roast. Then Tommy later tried comedy by roasting Pam. What was really disturbing about this was that Lee even pulled out a joke from I used back in high school. After giving complements to his “Blonde wife”, he ended with “Unfortunately Heather Locklear couldn’t be here.” Let me just say, chicks don’t like this joke at all. I would highly advise never to use this joke with your girlfriend, wife, or and female friend. After dropping that line, the recipient didn’t talk to me for a month.

When it comes down to it, if you watch the roast of Pamela Anderson, you will most likely laugh, just schedule to take a shower afterwards. Hopeful Comedy Central will go back to actual comedians for their next roast. That might bring out actual comedians to roast him or her.

Lryics Quiz - 80's Dance Party

This month’s lyrics quiz is culminated from a set of CD’s I’ve made entitled 80’s Dance Party. So this month’s songs are from vol. 1 and part of vol. 2. I’m currently up to 7 vol. (With many more on the way), so there is a good possibility of more 80’s dance themes in upcoming months. The rules are as followed; in the comments section leave the name and artist with the corresponding number. If you are correct, I will unbold the song and give you credit. The person who guesses the most lyrics will be added to the list of winners on my sidebar. Also, in the case of cover songs or songs that have since been covered, I will only accept the 80’s artist who did it as correct. On to the lyrics.

1. So when U call up that shrink in Beverly Hill, U know one Dr. Everything’s Gonna Be All Right. (Let's Go Crazy - Prince - guessed by Meli)
2. I see you under the midnight, all shackles and bows. (Magic - The Cars - guessed by Guppyman)
3. Buying bread from a man in Brussels. He was six foot four and full of muscles. (Down Under - Men at Work guessed by Luka)
4. Made a meal out of me and came back for more. (You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC - guessed by Cap'n Platy)
5. With you in that dress my thoughts I confess verge on dirty. (Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners - guessed by Mikeness)
6. Go to work in some high rise and vacation down at the Gulf of Mexico. (Pink Houses - John Mellencamp - guessed by Ruby)
7. That’s when she started talking about love, started talking about sin. (Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites - guessed by Cap'n Platy)
8. The road behind was rocky, now you’re getting cocky. (Brake My Stride - Matthew Wilder - guessed by Melissa's in Progress)
9. Hush my darling, don’t you cry. Quiet, angel, forget their lies. (Our Lips Are Sealed - The Go-Go's - guessed by Pure Mood)
10. Easy operator come a knockin' on my door. (Pour Some Sugar on Me - Def Leppard - guessed by Cap'n Platy)
11. Come on baby won’t you show some class, why you want to move so fast? (We Don't Have to Take Our Cloths Off - Jermaine Stewart - guessed by Guppyman)
12. Take my tears and that’s not nearly all. (Tainted Love - Soft Cell - guessed by Ruby)
13. Your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk. (Fight For Your Right (To Party) - Beastie Boys - guessed by Cap'n Platy)
14. I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed. (867-5309/Jenny - Tommy Tutone - guessed by Pure Mood)
15. Risin' up, straight to the top, had the guts, got the glory. (Eye of the Tiger - Survivor - guessed by Jessica)
16. The night is young and so am I. (Safety Dance - Men Without Hats - guessed by Melissa's in Progress)
17. I'm on the hunt I'm after you. (Hungy Like the Wolf - Duran Duran - guessed by Cap'n Platy)
18. It’s a big enough umbrella but it’s always me that ends up getting wet. (Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police - guessed by Pure Mood)
19. In the wink of a young girl’s eye. (Glory Days - Bruce Springsteen - guessed by Pure Mood)
20. She was pure like snowflakes no one could ever stain. (Centerfold - J. Geils Band - guessed by Guppyman)
21. When she shines she really shows you all she can. (Rio - Duran Duran - guessed by Luka)
22. If you say run, I’ll run with you. (Let's Dance - David Bowie - guessed by Jessica)
23. She had a pocket full of horses, Trojan and some of them used. (Little Red Corvette - Prince - guessed by Meli)
24. The oil down the desert way has been shakin’ to the top. (Rock the Casbah - The Clash - guessed by Guppyman)
25. When you looked at me I should've run, but I thought it was just for fun. (Vacation - The Go-Go's - guessed by Pure Mood)

And with 5 correct answers Cap'n Plety is your winner. Pure Mood, also with five, almost repeated, but Cap'n beats her in the tie-breaker with guessing his first. Make sure you drop by the 15th of September to see if you can win next month lyrics quiz (or just stop by everyday, there should be something for you to enjoy untill the next quiz).

Being That Sane Can Drive You Nuts

I’m a huge Adam Sandler fan so much I could quote every line from Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and The Waterboy for much of the late 90’s. Going into the new millennium, Sandler seem to not be able to decide whether to stick with his sophomoric shtick as with Little Nicky or move into a more sophisticated style as he did in Punch Drunk Love. And of course there is always romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore. His latest trek into the sophisticated realm was Spanglish.

The backdrop of the film is an essay a student has written for her application to Yale. It explains why her mother is the person she most admires and goes on to explain how her mom took her from Mexico and made her the person she was today. The problem with this is that the movie then doesn’t revolve around the young girl yet focuses on the family he mother began to work for upon arriving in America. In fact the girl gets very little screen time in the movie. The family includes Sandler as the dad with an inferiority complex at being the best chef in the country, his wife, played by Téa Leoni, a victim of downsizing who can quite adapt to being a stay at home mom. They have two children, a son who barely makes blip on screen and an overweight daughter played by an actress who tries to pull off the “wise beyond her age” act but isn’t able to do so. Alcoholic grandma also lives with them played perfectly by Cloris Leachman who delivers the best line in the movie, “Honey, lately, your low self-esteem is just good common sense.” That line has entered into my repertoire of insults and can’t wait until I find the perfect time to unleash it.

The movie finally hit its stride when the family movies to a beach house for the summer when Sandler’s family is introduced to the Mexican girl who is forced to move in with them due to distance reasons. Leoni finds in her the daughter she always wanted which causes problem with basically everyone else in the film.

The film is well written finding a balance in-between drama and comedy and also features what was one of the most disturbing sex scenes I have seen in a while. If that ever happen to me, I may have to give up sex for a while. As for the negatives, the movie seems to forget that is it based on an essay and there are many things that I doubt the girl ever knew yet she is able to write about it. Also all the driving scenes it is very obvious that green screens were used and they looked as bad as a SNL skit. A big budget movie should avoid such pitfalls. On the DVD, don’t forget to check out the deleted scenes to see one of the funniest scenes with Leoni’s character preparing for a party. Although the other scenes make you understand why they left out.

Spanglish gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

So Eat It, Just Eat It

In my youth I ate anything that wasn’t good for me. And if something was good for me, I would even try it going so far as to routinely refuse salads that would come with entrée’s at restaurants. I had to save room for some grease covered main course. And this all took place under the supervision of my parents. When I move off to college, thing would get worse. Well balanced breakfasts were replaced by Pop Tarts and the occasional glazed doughnut. On the weekends, the campus McDonalds ran a special foe the 20 piece McNugget and that would suffice for a meal or two each weekend. Plus my dorm room would constantly be stocked with Gummy Bears & M&M’s although the dorm mates ate their fair share of my stuff. Although in my defense, it wasn’t all bad, I long ago cut carbonated drinks (sans beer while in college) out of my diet and only have two cans a month

Then a couple years ago, I was getting my eyes checked when my eye doctor gave me a weird prognosis: I had high cholesterol. You may be wondering, like I did, how an eye doctor can give such a diagnosis. Apparently the body leaves cholesterol deposits in your eyes that cannot be removed. This happens to everyone and it not at all harmful. My problem, as the doctor explained, was I had the cholesterol build up of some one almost three times my age. At that moment, I sensed my own mortality for the first time.

So I went on a health kick after that. I routinely ate salads and avoided fast food except for picking up the occasional salad there. I even started reading labels for the first time in my life and even learned the difference between good cholesterol and the bad kind. I would only splurge on special occasions like holidays and cook-outs.

Then after about two months on the health kick, I saw an ad for free cholesterol screening. After hearing that my cholesterol was so high from the eye doctor, I figured I’d check out exactly how high the number was. Granted I had to be dragged there due to my overwhelming fear of needles, but free helped ease the tension a little. So after the test, I waited patiently for a couple weeks eating my salads until the results came back. And when the results finally arrived, I found something shocking: not only was my cholesterol wasn’t high, it was abnormally low for someone like me according to my mom, who happens to be a nurse. So that day, all the salads, and other health foods went in the trash and diners was catered by McDonalds for a week straight.

But once my cholesterol high went down, I realized that someday my cholesterol will rise considering my family tree is littered with such problems. So today I find myself in a happy medium between my eating habits of my youth and the months I was a health nut.

That leads me to today (wow, that took a while, but anyways). Recently I have had some digestive problems and realized that I needed to get more food with antioxidants. Last week, as I was at the grocery store, there was just happened to be a display of green tea with antioxidants. Ask and you shall receive. So I picked up a box. The only problem is I’ve never drunk tea before, nor have really been around people who drank it aside from ice tea. So not knowing any better, I took the tea bag and put it in a tall class of water and let it soak for a couple minutes. And when I drank the tea, it basically tasted like water. I was later told that you are supposed to use hot water unlike the strait from the refrigerator like did. It would have been nice had they put the intrusions on the box. (Granted upon further inspection, there were, indeed, intrusions on the box. What can I say, I’m a dude.) So on the second try the other night, I went ahead and boiled some water and poured it over the bag. But there is one major problem with that, It’s (expletive deleted) hot. It was an hour before it was cool enough to drink. Then when I drank it, I started to sweat profusely and had a feeling I hadn’t felt since the last Santana concert I attended. I even ended up chasing the green tea with a can of Dr. Pepper. And that lasted all night as I woke up a few times in a puddle of sweat multiples time.

So the moral to this story is 1) never trust your eye doctor when he gives you his diagnosis of your cholesterol level and 2) to all the kiddies out there, never grow old. Seriously, where Ponce De Leon when you need him?

I'd Rather Play You on My TV

Tommy Lee might as well be the male counterpart of Paris Hilton. Yeah he has a steady job, but let’s be honest, he’s always been more famous for who he’s dated and his extra curricular activities rather than any of his music especially since the hair-metal was killed by grunge. Trying to find a niche in music since he originally split from Mötley Crüe, Tommy has everything including trying to ride the rap-metal craze of the late 90’s, not with much success. Tommy is back with a new album, Tommyland: The Ride, riding in on the wave of mellow rockers such as Nickelback. Oh, and not so coincidentally, the album coincides with his new reality series. Well he needs to keep up with Paris.

The album start off on a bad foot when I actually thought that the song was skipping, but it took me a while to realize that the song was supposed to sound like that. Good Time then diverts into what amounts to a post-Fly Sugar Ray song. Well except Mark McGrath is a better singer. The songs on the album defiantly sound better when Lee hands off the vocal duties to his all-star friends. And by all-star, I mean people who are less than five years away from appearing on The Surreal Life. The dude from Fuel helps out on Sister Mary, the dude from Nickelback lends a hand to Tryin’ to be Me, Tommy duets with Dirty Harry on Makin’ Me Crazy, and Nick Carter (yes from the Backstreet Boys and ironically former boy toy of Paris) makes an appearance during the surprisingly sweet Say Goodbye. Tommy really can’t bring in the quality of acts that Santana can on his recent star studded albums.

The Madden brothers of Good (well let’s be honest, Mediocre) Charlotte, the dude Sum41 (you know, the one who also dated Paris), and Dave Navarro appear on the most unintentionally funny song in a while, Tired. The song sounds like a diversion of GC’s Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous with lyrics like, “Tommy got tired of Pamela, Ed got tired of Salma, Puffy got tired of JLo and Ben did too.” But the song is much funnier than anything GC can do. And I’m sure Ed, Puffy (although my sources tell me it’s just Diddy now, but you can’t fault Tommy for not keeping up), Ben, and Hef (who gets namedropped later) are all wondering, “Why are you dragging us into your drama?” In the end, Tommy is still trying to find his voice, but apparently until then, he is content with biting other people’s style.

Song to Download – Makin’ Me Crazy (unless you want a good laugh, then check out Tired)

Tommyland: The Ride gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Yell Out in Defiance

Pennywise has been making pure punk music for over a decade even as the pseudo-punk bands of today like Good Charlotte and band of their ilk have watered down the genre lately. Even Pennywise’s contemporary in the so-cal scene, The Offspring, has moved in a more pop direction lately. But Pennywise has shown on their latest album, The Fuse, they have no signs of softening up anytime soon.

On the album, which is still being released by the legendary Epitaph label, the guitars are still loud, the drums are fast, and the boys are still angry. So any old fan or true punk fan will enjoy this album. And being their first album since the election, songs about the state of the world since take precedent. On Dying, “Polarized lies of the fascist sleaze, Lining up the shadowed gaze, Beheaded for a shallow grave, Whoring in complacency.” Then on 18 Soldier, the band takes a look at the loss of war, “18 fathers visit the graves, Locked in violence resigned to their fate, Fallen Idols are cracked at the base, Hollow silence alone in their place, Retaliation is blind, With underestimated losses of life”

The media also gets their knocks on the album. The band could do without the media as a whole during Disconnect, “Just too much information, Electronic Stimulation, All this media saturation, Just gives me more aggravation.” They also focus in on Fox New with the aptly titled Fox TV, “Make way for the next sensation, Factual Manipulation, Stay tuned for the next creation, Department of misinformation.” But then again, who isn’t getting tired of the 24 hour news stations who spend more time making news than reporting it.

The biggest problem with the album is that, even at 42 minutes, the album seems to wear on to long. Towards the end, it gets really hard to distinguish one song from another. They could have trimmed the album down a little to give the listeners a better ability to digest the songs properly.

Song to Download – Fox TV

The Fuse gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

You Came Out of Nowhere, Made Me Smile

I never really listened to Nickel Creek. All I had to know that my sister liked them and that was enough for me to stay away. Added that I was under the impression that they were country gave me extra reason to stay away. But I gave a listen to their latest album, Why Should the Fire Die? when some one mentioned that the album was heavier, I decided to throw away any preconceived notions and give it an unbiased listen. I was pleasantly surprised at what I heard. The country label isn’t really a good one for the band as bluegrass would be a better one as their sound would fit better on the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack than in the Boot Scootin’ Saloon.

Why Should the Fire Die? starts off with one of my favorite phrases, When in Rome. It fit my experience for the album perfectly as a newbie to Nickel Creek. Although When in Rome is partly sarcastic pointing out it’s not always good to “do as the Romans do.” Going with the flow can sometimes turns out bad: “Where can a teacher go, wherever she thinks people need the things she knows. Hey those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home and they'll burn 'em in the fireplace. Teacher, when in Rome.” A bad break up is at the root of Some One Like You. “I hope you meet someone your height so you can see eye-to-eye with someone as small as you.” All I have to say is ouch. Elsewhere on the album, there are a few relationship song as seen by the titles; Eveline, Anthony, Doubting Thomas, Helena.

There are three instrumental songs here, usually an instant fast forward moment when not associated with a Pink Floyd album, but all of them from Nickel Creek held my interest. Scotch & Chocolate, a wonderful combination by the way, starts out slow and builds to a good down home feeling. On Stumptown, the group takes turns trading solos on their respective instruments. The First and Last Dance is an airy song that does sound like it was influenced by a Pink Floyd instrumental or two.

The highlight of the album is whenever the female of the group takes over the lead vocals such as on the song Tomorrow is a Long Time. Also there is Anthony which sounds like it was recorded back in the time of Leadbelly. She also takes over a verse in another great song, Best of Luck. For the guys, Can’t Complain is their standout track. The guy is trying to convince himself, since he warned his partner that he was a man, anything he does should be excused. "I told her I could love her, I told her I could lie, so she can’t complain." This a trick every guy should try.

Song to Download – Tomorrow is a Long Time

Why Should the Fire Die? gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.