Unfortunately Heather Locklear Couldn’t Be Here

I’m a big fan of roast. Seeing comedians, who spend their careers making fun of everyone, get knock down a peg is thoroughly enjoyable. Unfortunately, there has been a rash of roasts lately featuring non comedians like Hugh Hefner on Comedy Central and MTV doing their own roast of Carson Daly. Luckily MTV learned their lesson and haven’t done once since. Comedy Central wasn’t as wise as they recently did a roast of Pamela Anderson. For those who missed it, Pam is loose, Andy Dick is gay, Courtney Love is one year sober (according to her), Tommy Lee has a humongous, well you know, and apparently so does Bea Arthur. Oh, and yes, that was a see-threw shirt she was wearing.

Ironically, watching the roast was just like watching her sex tape, it’s extremely entertaining while watching it, but once it’s over you feel dirty for doing so. I laughed uncontrollably for most of the show, let I can’t remember anything that was actually funny. A lot of vulgarity peppered the show, not that anyone didn’t know what was getting bleeped out. For those who weren’t sure what was being said, Comedy Central is showing an uncensored version late Saturday. As everyone when for the over the top roast, Bea Arthur actually gave the best roast by going minimalist. All she did was read chapters from one of Pam books, and there is nothing more disturbingly funny than Bea Arthur talking threw the voice of a gay character in Pam’s book explaining the best way to enjoy anal sex. That was the only time in my life where I almost threw up while laughing.

As the low lights, some of the lowest included Jeffery Ross saying, “how is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse Kurt Cobain?” Although I did laugh when he referring to Anna Nicole Smith, “Hey, can someone get her a 90 year old (expletive deleted) to suck?” For those keeping track at home, that was two dead husband jokes by Ross. For Love, she stood up and almost bum rushed Ross, and basically anyone who ripped her. When Love got up for her own roast, Jimmy Kimmel said what everyone was thinking, “If this is sober, there is a real problem.” There also a couple “comedians that I’ve never heard of, and most like will never hear from again. Inexplicably, Eddie Griffin was cut from the show to showcase the other stiffs. I’m not sure if Griffin was any better, but I at least knew who he was. Keep in mind there weren’t any no-names at the roast fore Denis Leary.

We also had a musical performance by Tommy Lee. Seriously, a musical performance at a roast that wasn’t trying to be funny, how lame is that? Now had he performed Tired, which I talked about in his album review (I'd Rather Play You on My TV), that may have been more appropriate for a roast. Then Tommy later tried comedy by roasting Pam. What was really disturbing about this was that Lee even pulled out a joke from I used back in high school. After giving complements to his “Blonde wife”, he ended with “Unfortunately Heather Locklear couldn’t be here.” Let me just say, chicks don’t like this joke at all. I would highly advise never to use this joke with your girlfriend, wife, or and female friend. After dropping that line, the recipient didn’t talk to me for a month.

When it comes down to it, if you watch the roast of Pamela Anderson, you will most likely laugh, just schedule to take a shower afterwards. Hopeful Comedy Central will go back to actual comedians for their next roast. That might bring out actual comedians to roast him or her.