I Wish the Real World Would Stop Hassling Me

The next cast of The Surreal Life has been announced. I have a feeling that they will not surpass this season's opener with Mini-Me driving in his scooter, naked, stopping in a corner to, umm, relieve himself, then being carried back to bed by a suddenly buff Peter Brady. That was a Top 10 All-Time TV moment. The next season cast includes:

Bronson Pinchot, better know to children of the 80's as Balki Bartokomous. Although he should also be heralded as the person who started the "Gay People are Funny" stereotype way back in 1984 as Serge in the Beverly Hills Cop movies. This is a trend that still goes on today with characters like Jack on Will & Grace and the gay homosexuals on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He will be playing the token washed up actor (Emmanuel Lewis, Erik Estrada, Dave Coulier, Christopher Knight).

Caprice Bourret. I don't know either, but her IMDb profile said she's been on, well, nothing I've seen. The only tidbit on her that seemed interesting is that she appeared on the British Celebrity Big Brother with former Surreal cast member and current Strange Love star Brigitte Nielsen. Which begs the question, when will America get its own Celebrity Big Brother? She will be playing the token hot chick with no resume (Brande Roderick, Traci Bingham, Marcus Schenkenberg).

Carey Hart is apparently an extreme sports athlete, which would be a new character to the shows roster. It seems they couldn't get a token washed up musician this season.

Janice Dickinson of America's Next Top Model. I don't watch the show so I have no comment about her. Yet. She will be playing the token mother figure (Gabrielle Carteris, Tammy Faye Bakker, Charo, Jane Wiedlin)

Jose Canseco. Now where have I heard his name lately? Mmmm. Jose, of course was last seen hawking his book at a congressional hearing on St. Patrick’s Day. I wonder if still has to wear his house arrest bracelet on the show? I'm hoping that this appearance won't hurt the possibility of a Big Head Barry and the Monsters reality show where Bonds, Canseco, McGwire, etc., hang out in locker rooms and stick unknown substances in the arses. ESPN really need to get on this. Mr. Roid Rage will be playing the token insane person (Corey Feldman, Ron Jeremy, Brigitte Nielsen, Joanie Laurer).

Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth is the wild card of the group as she could also have been the token insane person. Now I didn't watch The Apprentice, but I did see her star turn on Reality All-Star edition of Fear Factor. From that appearance I will not be surprised if she gets bludgeoned with a bat by Cansaco. That might be the only way anyone can top the Mini-Me scene. She will be playing the token reality star (Jerri Manthey, Trishelle Cannatella, Ryan Starr, Adrianne Curry)

Sandy Denton or as I like to call her, Ms. Push It. Sadly, my first impression of her casting was, "Why didn't they get Salt instead?" I don't know what she will be bringing to the cast other than Da Brat's "What am I doing with these crazy white people" look. She will be playing the token rapper (M.C. Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Flavor Flav, Da Brat).

With the spin off love story reality show of past casts, I am putting money on the Jose/token hot model hook up for this cast. I also have money on Janice Dickinson walking of the show first. Overall, barring an Omarosa beat down, this is a poor cast, so looking forward, here are some suggestions for Season 6:

Token washed up actor - The dude not named Paul Reiser on My Two Dads

Token hot chick with no resume - The Playmate of the Year that was arrested for fighting over Jeff Garcia

Token mother figure - Suzanne Somers

Token insane person - The other Corey, Corey Haim

Token reality star - Tonya from Real World et al

Token rapper - Mr. I Wish, Skee-Lo

Token washed up musician - Hootie, which would be the next logical step from the Burger King ad

I Hate Huckabees

I recently got conned into watching two of the worst movies in consecutive weeks. Both were touted as being critically acclaimed yet one didn't have a discernable plot while the other I believe had a plot, I just couldn't follow it.

The movie that went over my head was I (insert lame symbol here) Huckabees. Now I let the critics and friends talk me into this movie against my best judgement as I avoid movies with Marky-Mark like they are chick flicks. Not only did it have the former leader of the Funky Bunch, it also had Jude Law. For those that missed the Oscars, Chris Rock pointed out that if you can't get Tom Cruise and all you can get is Jude Law, wait. Unfortunately for the makers of I (insert lame symbol here) Huckabees, they didn't get this piece of advise before they finished casting.

But even if it had more real actors (i.e. Dustin Hoffman), the main problem of the film is that most of it went over my head. Basically the story follows a tree hugging hippie (the drummer from Phantom Planet) trying to figure out three chance encounters with a Manute Bol looking doorman. So he does what anyone would do, go see existential detectives. Umm, wait, what did I just type? And here in lies the problem, I have a feeling that you need to be a member of MENSA to follow this movie.

Then late in the movie, for a reason that made no to me, the uglied up the token hot chick (who also played the token hot chick in The Ring, and The Ring 2 and, umm, I think that’s it). It made no sense why they did this, like everything else in the movie, and thus ruined the only aspect of the movie I could enjoy.

I (insert lame symbol here) Huckabees gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

The other massively overrated movie I saw recently was Napoleon Dynamite. This was even worse than Mr. Good Vibration's movie. My first problem with the movie is that it has no discernable plot. It was just one lame set-up after another. Secondly, and most importantly, is that it wasn't even funny. There was only one point in the movie when I actually laughed, when Napoleon got picked up by Pedro's cousins. I have a feeling that you need to be an uber-nerd to like this movie.

Napoleon Dynamite gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

In the end, Napoleon Dynamite is the anti-I (insert lame symbol here) Huckabees whereas I (insert lame symbol here) Huckabees was too smart for me, Napoleon Dynamite was just too dumb.

McGwire Update

Earlier this week I made an argument against Mark McGwire's inclusion to the Baseball Hall of Fame in my Big Head Barry and the Monsters blog. Apparently most of the Hall of Fame voters agree with according to this article on ESPN, Some Hall voters in a foul mood over fair play. It goes on to say the Bonds is currently in, but I wonder if it slipped after his recent, "Woe is me" routine which I believe came after the survey was taken. I have a feeling the more Barry talks, the lower his Hall of Fame stock goes down. And eventually he will be out of it like McGwire. Or the next commissioner will settle the debate himself and ban all proven steroid, or other illegal performance enhancer, user.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

OK so my NCAA bracket rules didn't work very well this year, but I'm back again to try to help out you fantasy baseball draft. Keep in mind these rules in mind when ranking the available players.

Rule #1 - The Hellboy Rule - Or the avoid people with big heads rule. With the new steroid testing put into affect, it would not be wise to draft anyone, who in previous season, were drafted based on their power. Their numbers will decrease (or will be suspended). Look what happened to Giambi when he went of the Clear. So I would avoid every one caught up in the recent scandal. The only exception to this rule would be Pudge Rodriquez. All catchers put up low numbers anyways so it’s a coin flip on them anyways.

Rule #2 - The Ron Artest Rule - Do not draft anyone who could possibly be suspended for the entire season. Unfortunately I did not abide by this rule during my fantasy baseball draft. That was waste of a third round pick. The baseball equivalent of Artest would be Milton Bradley. Granted Bud Selig doesn't have the grapefruits of David Stern so killing a fan might only some one only a half season suspension, but that is still a lot of games to be missing.

Rule #3 - Don't Follow Trends - It happens every year, some one takes a catcher early, then the next ten picks end up being catchers. There are only three quality catchers (Lopez, Posada, and Varitek), so if you don't get one of them, wait until the later round and pick whatever is left. No catcher can make much of an impact plus they take a lot of days off. On the opposite side of the spectrum, make sure you get a good closer before they run out. Last year I had to trade some offence to get a closer because I waited too long to draft a quality reliever.

Rule #4 - The Ken Griffey Jr. Rule - Do not draft a player who is injury prone. Yet every year some one inevitably drafts Griffey saying he will be healthy and return to his Seattle day type dominance. Sometimes it goes well, but the May, Griffey will come up limp running down to first, and the team who picked him will be unmercifully mocked for the rest of the season.

Rule #5 - Draft Multi-Position Players - This will give you more options if you experience injuries or you can plug more players that are on your bench when some of your other players have off-days. This is especially handy if they are eligible at catcher but is an everyday player somewhere else. Unfortunatly the games best multi-position players, Beltran, Pujols, and A-Rod have lost eligbility and are down to one position each.

Her is my list of the top 25 players:

1. A. Pujols (StL - 1B)
2. C. Beltrán (NYM - OF)
3. V. Guerrero (LAA - OF)
4. Á. Rodríguez (NYY - 3B)
5. J. Santana (Min - SP)
6. A. Soriano (Tex - 2B)
7. I. Suzuki (Sea - OF)
8. J. Schmidt (SF - SP)
9. C. Crawford (TB - OF)
10. M. Tejada (Bal - SS)
11. E. Gagne (LAD - RP)
12. B. Abreu (Phi - OF)
13. A. Béltre (Sea - 3B)
14. D. Ortiz (Bos - 1B)
15. R. Oswalt (Hou - SP)
16. T. Helton (Col - 1B)
17. R. Johnson (NYY - SP)
18. B. Lidge (Hou - RP)
19. A. Ramírez (ChC - 3B)
20. J. Pierre (Fla - OF)
21. S. Rolen (StL - 3B)
22. C. Schilling (Bos - SP)
23. M. Cabrera (Fla - OF)
24. B. Sheets (Mil - SP)
25. P. Martínez (NYM - SP)

Please Don't Make Me Cry

For those interested, Eisley, who new album I recently reviewed, is currently the single of the week on iTunes. If you already have iTunes you can check out Telecope Eyes here. If you don't have iTunes, check out the link on the left. Might as well check it out, it's free. iTunes has had a pretty good track record with their singles of the week, I have about 15-20 song that are on heavy rotation on my iPod.

Big Head Barry and the Monsters

It seems that after his knee surgery that Barry Bonds may miss half the season if not all. Here's an idea Barry, retire. The only person I'd like to see out of baseball quicker that Barry Bonds is Bud Selig. But apparently Bonds is currently stressed. Stressed about what? He gets paid millions to play a kids game. He has financial security for the rest of his life and probably for the rest of his kid's life. A brain surgeon has stress over his job. A policeman has stress over his job. The coal miner who has to drop a month's salary to see Barry play has stress. And who does Barry say is the cause of his stress? The media is. I'm sorry, did the media put a syringe in his butt (allegedly)? Did the media set up a date with a woman who wasn't his wife (allegedly)? Did the media help set up a tax shelter (allegedly)? So he cheats on baseball, his wife, and his taxes (allegedly). I would hate to play cards with this guy. As a wise man once said Barry, "Girl don't go away mad. Girl just go away."

On another baseball story, I received my copy of Newsweek today and on the cover it poised the question, "No 'Hall' for McGwire?" I haven't had a chance to read the article yet, but the quick answer is no. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson is still kept out of the Hall for cheating for one game. With steroids or other growth hormones in his system, how many games did he cheat? It might be easier to count the seasons cheated. And don't want to hear the, "But steroids were not a banned by the MLB back then" excuse. Steroids were illegal substance according to the U.S. government and anyone who used them back them should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Not too mention McGwire best asset was his power. He rarely hit for average nor did he make a regular appearance on Web Gems. So when your only asset is proven to be aided by a chemical substance then no Hall for you. With any luck, whoever replaces Bud (hopefully sooner rather later) will do the right thing and ban everyone who is a proven steroid or human growth hormone user and strike (no asterisks) any necessary record or MVP award.

Moving on to basketball, Paul Silas recently got the axe by Cleveland. The Cavs' may have pulled the trigger a little early on this one. He should be praise for having this team in playoff contention. After LeBron, the Cavs don't have much to talk about. They even have some dude named Ira Newble starting. Read that last sentence again and tell me that Silas is to fault. Seriously, Ira Newble. What I don't understand about Silas is how everyone brought up how much a stand up guy he is. Yet this season alone he has blow up with Eric Snow (a stand up guy in his own right) and recently Silas called Carlos Boozer a four letter word that starts with C (Umm, cute? Coco maybe? Chap? Mmm, I give up). Come to think about it, I can think of some one the Cavs can talk about not named LeBron, Usher. I have been racking my brains for a month trying to figure out how this guy can buy a basketball team. This is a guy who floated around in relative obscurity putting out albums that only morbidly obese chicks listen to. (Usher’s fans are like the anti-Dave Matthews Band fan. Seriously has anyone seen an unattractive girl who listens to DMB?) Then last year when he inexplicitly sold one million copies in one week. Then all the sudden he has enough money to buy a basket ball team? At least Jay-Z has a string of hit albums and a successful record label before he bought a piece of the Nets. Only in Cleveland can we go from a blind owner to a pop star. Here's to another 50 years without a major championship. [In a Lil' Jon growl] Yeah!

You Humor Me Today

A couple months ago I came across a new band by the name of Eisley. They are an eclectic band that I can best describe as if Hanson had a bunch of younger sisters who listen to a lot of Radiohead and Pink Floyd. And so I was hooked from the start. I gathered up a couple of EP's that they had already released, all of which were great, so when they recent release their first full length album, Room Noises, I had to pick it up. One aspect of note is that is that a fourth of the songs on the new album are on previous EP's.

The standout tracks on the new album are two older songs, Marvelous Things (a top ten entry on my Best of 2004 list) and Telescope Eyes (the new single). Telescope Eyes is the song that lured me into the band. There is something endearing about hearing a girl sing, "Please don't make me cry" over and over again. Marvelous Things on the other hand is a slow moving epic that highlights the drummer and the group's major strength, the harmonies between the two lead singers.

Of for the newer songs, the closer, Trolley Wood, is the best. Granted I've been a big fan of songs with hand claps ever since Jack and Diane. But Trolley Wood is the type of song that is so good you can envision a video while listening to it. For me, it's the band strolling along in a park while they pass by various people having a picnic, sitting on a park bench, and flying a kite. Another new song of note is Golly Sandra which has a psychedelic country feel to it and would sound too out of place in a country-western bar.

If I were to have one complaint of Room Noises is the sequencing. I'm not a big fan of albums that start out right away with singing. I think it's better to start things off with something soft and build up anticipation for the lyrics. Brightly Wound or One Day I Slowly Floated Away would have been better choices to start the album off. Another thing about Eisley is that you have to commit to the lyric that can be borderline pretentious sometimes. And the lyrics can be lightweight at times. Instead of seeing a "bullet with butterfly wings," they see a "bat with butterfly wings." With that said, I expect big things from Eisley in the future.

Room Noises gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

It's Still Rock & Roll to Me

As a music aficionado, there are two major events on the calendar, the Grammys and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, which recently happened. Here is my blow by blow account of this year's festivities.

First up is the O'Jays being inducted by Justin Timberlake. This year is a prime example of the pecking order to the members of the Hall. The top tier get inducted by other all time greats, most prominent being Bono (Bob Marley, Bruce Springsteen, among other). This year it was Springsteen repaying U2 with their own spot in the hall. The second tier is either inducted by other Hall of Famers or today’s brightest stars. Neil Young inducting The Pretenders shows this. And when you barely get in (no disrespect to the O'Jays) you get inducted by a flash in the pan that will only get into the Hall if they buy a ticket. On their behalf, the O'Jays could get in on creating one of the greatest grooves ever, For the Love of Money, which, sadly, got co-opted by some lame reality show.

The Pretenders are up next featuring one of the all time great rock chick, Chrissie Hynde. For those keeping track at home, that two acts from Northeast Ohio, home of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame & Museum, yet the ceremony was taking place in New York.

Next up is Percy Sledge who get the honorary "The song is so good, he gets in no matter what" induction for When a Man Loves a Woman. Look for future such inductions for Oasis (Wonderwall) and The Verve (Bittersweet Symphony).

The biggest surprise of the night was the induction of Buddy Guy whom I couldn't believe was not already in the Hall. It was worth the wait as we were then treated to collaboration between Guy, B.B. King and Eric Clapton.

The best was saved for last with the induction of U2 by Bruce Springsteen. Bruce gives the best introduction of the night highlighted by a math lesson and his views on selling out. U2 takes the stage to give electrifying performances of the poignant Until the End of the World (off my favorite U2 album, Achtung Baby), Pride (In the Name of Love) (the song that turned me on to U2 not to mention Martin Luther King Jr.), I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For with Bruce, and Vertigo (inspired the pre-for mentioned math lesson). It was interesting that they hyped U2 and Bruce Springteen as the first time they have performed together considering I have an mp3 of them singing Stand By Me together. Hopefully with a place in the Hall, U2 can rightfully be in the discussion of best ever (a blog entry onto itself).

With the conclusion of this year's ceremony starts what could be a major lull for nominees when you take the 25 year waiting period into effect. So for the year of 1981 to 1991 (or From U2 until Nirvana) look for some less than impressive ceremonies. Between these years, there are very few first ballot candidates. After a quick brainstorming session, I came up with R.E.M., Run-DMC, and Public Enemy with Madonna, Metalica and Don Henley having outside shots.

March Madness (Final) Update

After starting out with a respectful 21-3, the wheels came off my braket Friday night (4-4). Two Sweet 16 go home early including one of my Final Four teams getting upset (thanks Bucknell whoever you are). Ironically the left side (Chicago, Albuquerque) is near perfect, Alabama being the only blemish. So unless UNC and UConn tank it this round, I'm done (go Iowa St. and NC State). Final first round total: 25-7 (four upsets). One final though - go Iowa St. and NC State!

March Madness Update Day 2

Started off the day going 3-1 to bring my total up to 17-3 (3 upsets). Nothing like seeing N.C. state losing by 10 at luchtime, then the next time I check the game they are winning big. Too bad my only los was my upset special, Ohio, lose a close one. Still the MAC was severely overlooked this year. 4 teams with RPI in the top 55 and only one makes the tournament. Only 3 of the top 50 miss the tournament, 2 were from the MAC.

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Another sweep of this set of games. Now 21-3 (3 upsets) overall. Northern Iowa is my lone upset in the next set of games.

(6:30)

March Madness Update

I'm currently 3-1 with all my all my sweet 16 teams still left. The one loss being Alabama, for some reason I thought I had UWM. The is nothing demoralizing than thinking you have an upset, look at your braket and realize you didn't. Luckily they is plenty of green beer to cry in.

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Now I'm at 6-2. Bob Huggins vs. the Big Ten is what hurt me this time. I knew who ever I would pick, I was going to lose. Speaking of losers, here's a quick update of the baseball hearing. McGuire can't speak on anything, oh, and by the way, he' retired. Sosa suddenly can't speak English. Cansaco apparently has a book out. And Congressmen (and women) like to hear themselves talk.

(6:32 PM)

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I was perfect through the last group of games to improve to 10-2 (one upset - granted it was Nevada). The next group is a big one for me with my upset special, UAB.

(9:40 PM)
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Another set of perfect set of games pushing me to 14-2 (two upsets) for day one. With lackluster games to start the toury, they are due for some classics today.

(6:43 AM)

Burn Hollywood Burn

Last night was the season premiere I've wanted to watch for a while, but too cheap to pay for, but lucky for me Bravo has picked up Project Greenlight. For those who are unaware of the series, basically it's Matt Damon & Ben Affleck produce a movie. First they select a screenplay and a director from a group of unknowns (which was the basis of last night's episode), then they document the movie making process. And in the end the movie bombs.

This year they have tried to go for a horror film and even brought in Wes Craven to help out. Although it has became pretty clear that this year's film will most likely tank also. First, against the suggestion of the producers, the studio pushed for the most profitable screenplay. Then for no apparent reason, they picked a director who could possibly be certifiably insane. The movie most likely again suck, but the show should at the very least be interesting.

Since the show got me interested, I had to look up some information on the upcoming shoot. Thanks to IMDB, I was able to spoil some casting news which includes Henry Rollins (whom might make the movie watch able), Krista Allen(who must be happy to be in a movie that doesn't show after midnight on Skinamax), Anthony Criss (or as I like to refer to as Mr. O.P.P.), Judah Friedlander (who is best know for as the hugging guy from the Dave Mathews Band's Everyday video), Jason Mewes (sorry, not Silent Bob), and Clu Gulager (whom I assume is related to before mentioned certifiably insane director). This should be interesting. Maybe they could make up for a poor movie with a soundtrack with Rollins and Naughty By Nature. Just a reminder, Project Greenlight is on Tuesday at 9:00. And since it's on cable, it will be repeated multiple times during the week.

I Got a Basketball Jones

The NCAA brackets have been out for a couple days and after 30-40 hours of deliberation a finally can give my two cents. First thing I noticed about this year's bracket is that the committee put seed is a why to contradict my previous rules for filling out your bracket.

Cincinnati (Rule #1 - Never bet on Bob Huggins) vs. Iowa (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten)
Illinois (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten) playing at Indianapolis; then Chicago if they win their first two games (Rule #5 - Home Court Matters)

So these have really put a wrench into my bracket this year. But I will persevere. Onto my pick. Here are my upset specials for each region:

(13) Ohio over (4) Florida (Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win)
(12) Old Dominion over (5) Michigan St. (Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten)
(8) Pacific over (1) Washington (This is a 2nd round match-up, just have a feeling Washington will be the first #1 seed to go down. Granted I have an east coast bias)
(11) UAB over (6) LSU (The Gonzaga Corollary of Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win)

As for my Final Four:

Wake Forest over Illinois
Duke over Kansas

Duke is your 2005 National Champion

One rule I inadvertently left off my previous post is to find out who everyone else has winning and avoid picking them. This year the team to avoid is UNC. Favorites rarely win and if they do, and everyone else picks them, it's less like you will if you look at the odds. If your dark house (not that a #1 seed is that much of a dark horse), it makes it easier too win just from an odds standpoint.

Keep in mind, picks are subject to change up until noon on Thursday.

You Gotta Know When to Hold 'em

Last night was the season finale of ESPN's latest stab at original programming, Tilt. And if you didn't catch the promos where they contently mentioned it, Tilt is from the makers of Rounders. And if you didn't see the promos, you can tell just by watching the show with Eddie Cibrian doing his best Matt Damon impression. It almost seems that Eddie Towne could Mike McDermott before he gave up gambling. And they both were playing for revenge against the bad guy. I seemed to miss why Eddie, or Clark for that matter, held a grudge against the Matador, but that was one of many plot points I didn't pick up. But the big difference between the movie and show were the bad guys. Rounders had the cerebral villain in Teddy KGB where Tilt instead went for the mussel with Don 'The Matador' Everest. Both were perfectly cast. John Malkovich fit the intelligent poker player to a tee where Michael Madsen took being bad to an all new level pulling out all the stops to win short of cutting off some one's ear. In the token hot chick category, Rounders wins in a landslide. It was almost like they took the token hot chick from Rounders, gave her a couple whacks with the ugly stick, and then played her on Tilt. It was such a discrepancy, by the middle of the season they had to bring in a second token hot chick.

As a TV show, Tilt ran into some problems. As mentioned before, the show was had to follow at times and seemed to leave out some important information. They started off the show with an obvious swerve when the black guy attacks the white guy at the poker table. Looking back, the writer may have planned it to be obvious, as the Matador made reference to it after he turned on Eddie. Other burning question that were not answered or I just missed were what did the Iowa cop's brother do to get killed? Or why didn't Lowball threaten blackmail when he fired? Why did the Matador kill Skip himself while the tournament was going on? There were many holes that need to be filled. I even had to check out the website to see who killed themselves in the last episode.

Tilt did have many plot twists that I didn't see coming like killing Seymour off early. The big three being caught when the first tried to bring down the Matador. Clark's friend's secretary being FBI. And they save the best for last when it was revealed that the Matador threw the tournament. The final couple episodes was when the show as a whole pick up in the entertainment department with Norman Chad making he benign comments and the personal profile of the internet player who promptly got bounced in first round. Also, the last couple episode brought us an appearance of the Smoking Man playing a priest of all things.

Tilt 1.x get a on my Terror Alert Scale.

A Long Time Ago... Star Wars Rocked!

It's been a big week for nerds as the onslaught of the new Star Wars has begun. On Thursday, there was the world premiere of the trailer in The O.C. and no I didn't watch the show just to see the trailer. Seriously, I didn't. Survivor was on. (To get a little off subject, it was way too early to vote off the token hot chick.) But thanks to the wonder of the internet, I could check out the trailer that night. On it we get short glimpses of Chewbacca (or at least a Wookie), General Grievous (I think), and the massive forehead Jedi (who will forever remind me of Andy Dick) along with the newly hardcore Anakin. It's nice to see he trades the teen-angst, metro sexual looks for the heroin going through withdrawal look. Even with all the action in the trailer, we still need to watch Episode III to see how Coach Carter and the other Jedi, Natalie Portman (which would top the worst idea to kill off a hot chick since Mandy Moore died in A Walk to Remember. Umm, not that I saw it or anything), Jar-Jar, and the guy from NYPD Blue die. Assuming they all die in course of the movie, not the time in-between Episodes III and IV, which would be a let down. Or even worse, if the characters just disappear. What I'm most interested in seeing is how they turn Hayden Christensen into a black man.

On Sunday, George Lucas had an interview with 60 Minutes which showed about 15 more seconds of the movie that they didn't show in the trailer. The 15 extra seconds did include what looked to be an extended look at General Grievous, who could turn out to be the best part of the movie. But the big news for me was the small tidbit of my favorite Lucas trilogy. No not Episodes IV-VI or even I-III, I'm talking about Indiana Jones (which I guess will officially take it out of the category of trilogy). Unfortunately, there was no major information about my favorite archeologist or even a timeline of when it will happen.

Then next week is the release of the best part of the prequels (so far), Star Wars - Clone Wars, Vol. 1. For those who missed it, Clone Wars were mini episodes chronicling what happens between Episode II and Episode III that aired on the Cartoon Network last fall. A new season starts March 26th, so keep your eyes pealed out for that.

I Know You (Don't) Got Soul

When I was a young boy, A Florida judge banned 2 Live Crew for being obscene and ever since when anytime some one finds something morally offensive or corrupt, I eat it up. South Park is rude, I watched it. Grand Theft Auto is the downfall of Western Civilization, I bought it. Bush is the next Hitler, I voted for him. So when Soul Plane came out and everyone was saying it was the most racist movie ever, I knew I had to see it. So I finally broke out the old Blockbuster Card and gave it a spin on the DVD player. I think I may be getting old because I think the critics were right. The makers of the film claimed that Soul Plane was the black version of Airplane!. But they replayed funny one-liners with overused racial stereotypes.

The movie centers around a gentleman who sues an airline after it kills the dog, which was one of the few funny scenes in the movie (keep in mind no animals were hurt in the making of this movie). He takes the massive settlement to buy his own airline, which his cousin, played by Method Man, who makes some adjustments to the plane. So it now has gold rims, hydraulics, and every ridiculous accessory you would see on Pimp My Ride. And the racial stereotypes don't start there; every black stereotype is brought up. They like chicken - check. They are lazy - check. They like weed - check. They are, umm, well endowed - check. Then sprinkle the rest of the movie with other racial stereotypes. The Arab (alleged) terrorist. The token hot Latina chick (wow, she can dance and likes sex, and that's basically it). The gay guy. The corny, old white guy named Mr. Hunkee. Then there's Mr. Hunkee's son who thinks he's black. And Mr. Hunkee's daughter, who just turned 18. Cue up obligatory Kobe joke.

After an hour of making poor racial jokes (not too mention underutilizing D.L. Hughley and John Witherspoon), they finally get back to something that resembles a plot when pilot, Snoop Dogg, dies (remember it's based on Airplane!) and they need to figure how to land the plane. In the end everyone learns a lesson. And then they form a Soul Train line (sans Don Cornelius).

Soul Plane gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Look at Me, Gotta Be, Centerfield

It looks like my favorite baseball player, Rick Ankiel (and by favorite, I mean the one I like to make fun of the most), has giving up on being a major league pitcher. Really, so soon? It's only been four years since he started pulling his reverse Rick Vaughn impersonation. Come to think of it, has anyone thought of giving Ankiel an eye exam recently. Maybe he could sport the skull glasses. That might help him. I'm sure he could least get into the staring rotation of the California Penal League. Or they could get Bob Uecker to do commentary for the Cardinals. He can't be doing much, right? (OK, enough Major League references.)

But the real tragedy is that now I will have to change my fantasy baseball team from Rick Ankiel's Revenge if he's no longer in the majors (I wonder if Lima Time will be back this year, that's a solid back up plan). Even though he will be trying to switch positions to an outfielder, I really doubt he can make the roster because if he can't throw the ball across the plate, how can he hit the cut-off man? For more Ankiel news, check out these sites:

Did La Russa's strategy spark Ankiel's freefall?
Career change: Ankiel to give outfield a shot
Baseball America: Ankiel as a hitter

Car Mix - March '05

Every once in a while I like to make a CD to play in my car of recent music I'm listening to. Here my most recent CD.

1) Bold as Love - John Mayer (Taken from the Tsunami Aid: Concert of Hope which can be bought on connect.com)
2) Across the Universe - Various Artists (Taken from this year's Grammy awards. Proceeds, like the previous song, goes to Tsunami relief organizations. So don't say I didn't do my part, that's $1.98 right there.)
3) Sunday Morning (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
4) Trouble - Bonnie McKee
5) Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick (Along with Trouble, these were both former Single of the Week on iTunes. Most of them are really good so you should always check them out because you may find gems like these.)
6) Telescope Eyes - Eisley
7) Collide - Howie Day
8) Daughters (Home Demo) - John Mayer
9) Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own - U2
10) Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run (I found this song free at mtv.com. Yet another steal.)
11) Chocolate - Snow Patrol (I was turned onto this band when their song Run was a Single of the Week. Solid album)
12) Work - Jimmy Eat World
13) Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
14) Boulevard of Broken Songs - Green Day vs. Oasis (One of the best mash-up that I have heard in a while. It's built around the Green Day song and has hints of Oasis' Wonderwall and throws in some Travis and Aerosmith to round out the song. Highly recommended if you can hunt it down.)
15) Why [Remix] - Jadakiss, Common, Styles P and Nas
16) Jesus Walks - Kanye West, Common & Mase
17) Twisted (Remix) - Mobb Deep, Jae Millz, Joe Budden
18) Drop it Like it's Hot (Lil John Remix) - Snoop Dogg

Fat Bottom Girls Make the World Go Round

Showtime ended it's free weekend with a movie that I have wanted to see for a while but didn't really want to actually pay for it, Super Size Me. So, thank you, Showtime for finally providing me with something to watch during Monday's dismal T.V. programming schedule. Even though I really didn't really learn anything new about a McDonald’s diet, even McDonalds Inc. admitted that it is common knowledge that their food is not good for you; there were aspects of the film that surprised me. First, and foremost, was the school for at risk school that served the healthy food. My surprised is how the food preparation is competitive in price with other meal programs yet very few school systems implement it. It doesn't take a nutritionist to know that sugary foods have a negative impact on kids' attitudes. But Morgan Spurlock alludes to why this doesn't change: big business (i.e. Coke, McDonalds et al) owns are government thru donations and lobbyists.

Even though Super Size Me is not as funny as the other major documentary from last year, there are some funny parts to the movie. His irritated girlfriend was always good for a chuckle especially how his diet affected their sex life (or lack there of). It does utilize music that much, but when it does, the songs are a perfect fit. The movie opens to Fat Bottom Girls while describing how obese our country is. Then later in the film during a segment on food addition, they started playing the old Superfly song, Pusherman. Perfect fit.

Overall it was a decent documentary, very educational. Brings to light one of the biggest (no pun intended) epidemics in America that is severely under discussed. One of my favorite parts of the movie is when a doctor talks about how it socially acceptable to tell smokers how unhealthy that it is but it isn't to point out the health risks of obesity. Very true yet very ignored. The one place where I feel the move disappoints is that Spurlock is quick to talk about how bad McDonalds is for you but doesn't spend that much time on giving the audience a healthy alternative or ways to combat obesity. Hopefully Spurlock didn't ignore this but instead was saving it for the sequel, Un-Super Size Me, which chronicles the 9 months it took him to get back to his pre-McDonalds diet weight.

Super Size Me gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

29% is still a little too high for me. I think it't that darn mullet I sported during middle school.

I am 29% White Trash.

The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom

Who Said the Best Things in Life are Free?

Apparently those people who say the best things in life are free haven't checked out the Showtime free preview. They have shown a bunch of movies I would never had paid for, but, hey, it's free. Some movies of note that I've seen would be Bulletproof Monk, which was surprisingly good, even though the martial arts scenes were not as fluid as recent imports. Then came Barbershop II: Back in Business a poor sequel to a decent movie. The problem with the second movie is that it copies the first movie but leaves out the best part of the original movie, the Anthony Anderson subplot. Without a decent subplot to take you out of the barbershop, the rest of the movie falls flat. But on Sunday, Showtime brings out the murderers row of bad "romantic comedies," A Guy Thing, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Uptown Girls. You could not pay me to see any of those movies.

You would think with around 20 channels they would always have something on. Granted half of the channels are just the other channels on a three hour delay with West added to the channel's name. This begs some questions:

Are the West channels even necessary?
Can't they delay the movies like every other normal channel?
Can you opt of the West channels and get money back?
Do people on the west coast get Showtime East?
If so, do the kids get to see the "late night programming" at 8:00?

Those questions are going to bug me for a while. But in addition to movies I didn't want to see when they were in theaters or even when they cam out on DVD, Shows that are not good enough to be on HBO, and Usher in concert (Um, I'll pass. I could fill up blog in itself on his rise in popularity) there are the movies I've never heard of. I was watching one the other night and who pops up but Eric Stoltz. Not only does he pop up, but promptly dies. I am now convinces that Eric Stoltz has a bit part in every movie I have never heard of (or stars Eric Roberts). Racking my brain to name movies I've seen Eric Stoltz in, I cold only come up with Mask (the one with Cher, not Jim Carrey), and think he was in the sequel of Jeff Goldblum version of The Fly.

Well I got to go; Fat Actress is on (Kirstie Alley begging John Travolta to do Look Who's Talking 4 - that's pure humor right there).

He (Still) Hate Me

The NFL recently took the word "Gay" off their list of forbidden word that can be put on the back of their jerseys. But the big news is not was taken off the list but what is still on. On the list of about 1100 word the would make every middle schooler or frat boy giggle is Rod Smart's old XFL slogan, "HeHateMe." Hold grudges long, NFL?

Oh, and ladies, I'm sorry to inform you that "Lesbo" is still on the list too.

It's March Madness Baby!

It's my favorite time of the year, St. Patrick's Day, my birthday, Peeps (during the occasional March Easter), spring training, Shamrock Shakes, and most importantly March Madness. I'm actually coming off my best outing ever coming in third in the office pool. So I figured I would pass on my college basketball wisdom on to you. Even though Selection Sunday is still a good two weeks away there are a few rules you can abide by every year without having to see the bracket.

Rule #1 - Never bet on Bob Huggins. Cincinnati never seems to get pass the first weekend and I think it is safe to assume Mr. Drunk Driving is the reason why. And since they are usually an 8 seed or higher, Cincinnati is always good for upset points.

Rule #2 - Never bet on the Big Ten. It's never a good idea to trust institutions of higher learning that can't count and the Big Ten backs that philosophy up. It's always guaranteed that at the end of the first weekend, when they show the breakdown of how the all the major conferences did, the Big Ten always has the worst record. Then everyone questions why they got so many bids, and then the next year they still get 4-6 more bids to the Big Dance. And that means 3-5 more upset points for us.

Rule #3 - Duke always makes it to the Sweet 16. Coach K is the anti-Huggins. One guy never sees the second weekend while the other has his hotel booked for his second site. Some people may argue that Duke is an automatic Final Four pick every year, and that would be a good bet most years but Sweet 16 is a guarantee when it comes to Duke.

Rule # 4 - The MAC is always good for a win. As a product of the Mid-American Conference, I am very aware of this rule. Every year the Mac is overlooked and draws a 10-12 seed then knocks off the 5-7 seed (usually an at large bid from an overrated conference) thus racking up the upset points.
The Gonzaga Corollary - To go a step further on Rule #4, always pick any lower Mid Major seed vs. a 4th or lower from a major conference. Most major conferences do not deserve 4 or more bids and prove with early exits from those teams.

Rule #5 - Home Court Matters. College Basketball is the sport where home court/field advantage is most prominent. Yes, I know there is no home court advantage in March Madness because they play on neutral courts, but when you (or your fans) have to travel less than 50 miles to get to get to the game than you are at a distinct advantage. So when you are filling out your brackets pay close attention where the first weekend games are taken place.

Check back later for more rules to be added. Maybe.

Best. Oscars. Ever.

O.K. I don't have basis for making that statement due to this was the first time I have watched more than five minutes of the award show. Chris Rock was on point for most of the night though not as good as his Video Music Awards appearances. I guess it’s easier to come up with Brittney Spears jokes that it is to make jokes about Cate Blanchett or Scarlett Johansson. Best joke of the night goes to the upcoming Catwoman II. Although I found it interesting that Rock said he wasn't going to make Bush jokes then proceeded to compare his presidency to the Gap. Here are some other random thoughts on the night's festivities:

- Morgan Freeman wins the obligatory "You should have won for another film (Shawshank Redemption) so we will give you one now" annual award.

- Beyoncé performs with a boy's choir. T.I. still remains the softest artist she's performed with.

- Even when playing a stripper, Natalie Portman exudes more class than her all of the girls her age.

- Did I miss Leonardo DiCaprio having a stroke? It looked like the right side of his mouth wasn't moving as if he has a stroke.

- I not sure what was more entertaining, having all the nominees on stage or awarding the people at their seats. And who decided which awards were awarded how? The Cinematography people got the award the old fashion way. Really? Did the draw the shortest straw or something? And some of the awards on stage were not able to fit all the nominees.

- I wonder if Michael Moore would have stood on stage with the other documentary nominees.

- What with a happy Counting Crows song? Please bring back 'Round Here, A Long December Counting Crows.

- Jake Gyllenhaal gets introduced as the star of The Day After Tomorrow. Isn't there a better intro for him? Wait a minute, a look at imdb.com there really isn't much to pick from. Bubble Boy anyone? They might as well introduced him as the guy who dated Kirsten Dunst.

- Was that Vin Diesel with hair in the Sidney Lament tribute?

- Beyoncé is singing a song written for a guy. Interesting pick

id anyone else notice the director of the Oscar's orchestra giving an obscene gesture?

- Best non-Rock moment of the night - someone waking up one of the Best Short Film nominees.

- Interesting that one of the awards given at the seats was given to the only nominee without an isle seat. I would have taken that as a sign that I wasn't going to win.

- During my Grammy blog I wondered about the thing on the back of Jamie Foxx's head and I'm pretty sure that it is a tattoo. I think it may be a lighting bolt. I really need a better look at that thing.

-On another Foxx note I have not seen Ray (like every other nominated film) nor plan on ever seeing it for two reason. Number one being that I boycott all bio flicks. Why would anyone want to see Will Smith in Ali when you can see When We Were Kings instead. The real thing is always better than a Hollywood film that over exaggerates the story. Secondly I will never see another Jamie Foxx film until I get the hour and a half of my life back that I lost watching Booty Call.

- It is out that they would have Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek to present the sound awards considering I couldn't understand a word they said. But when it comes down to it, who really cares what they say.

- Beyoncé performs with some dude named Josh Grobin. T.I. still the softest artist Beyoncé has performed with. This being her third performance of the night begs the question why? I can't believe the Black Eyed Peas were not available to do the Phantom of the Opera song, and then proceed to combine it with Let's Get Retarded it Started.

Is it just me or is Melanie Griffith looking more and more like the cat woman every year?

- The Academy really needs to stop giving Hilary Swank awards before she become to big to do "Karate Kid Part IV, Hilary vs. Daniel Son".

- They introduce Samuel Jackson as Coach Carter. Now I now there is a better introduction for him, Jules, Frozone, Officer Tenpenny, even Mace Windu would be a better introduction.

- In the end, Million Dollar Baby win the Best Picture. I still would have voted for Dodge Ball.

Things Tham Make You Go MMM

I was at Burger Kong today going through the drive-thru window and I actually heard the person working the window say to a car behind me, "No cheese will cost extra." How can wanting less cost more? How does this even make sense?

I was going to make an Oscar prediction blog but came to the realization that I have not seen one picture that was nominated. Seriously, how could Dodge Ball not get a nod? I will be watching, a least some just to see what Chris Rock says. It should be good. Even the Video Music Awards haven’t been good since he last hosted.

I'm Sooooooooooooooooooooo Moving On

I spent a lot of time in my last blog blasting some recent music that has really bugged me. But not all music I find corny music I find absolutely horrible. Case in point is the latest song by Kelly Clarkson, Since U Been Gone. Yes I know Kelly Clarkson is a glorified karaoke contest winner. I know this song totally rips off the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Maps. I know this song doesn't come close to the best "I Hate You" tune, Song for the Dumped. I know most of her music is unbearable. But there is something about the song that makes it so corny that it becomes enjoyable. I have pinpointed that exact place to where she sings, "I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo moving on." It's soooooooooooooooooo bad that it become a great karaoke song in it own right, up their with ...Baby One More Time or a fat guy in a baritone voice singing I Feel Pretty (that one kills me every time). Sooooooooooooooooo for everyone who is ashamed to have Since U Been Gone on your iPod, I now make it sociably acceptable. Unfortunately I can't help you out with your Céline Dion fixation. Sorry.

If You Know What I Mean

I have this friend who is a master at the single entendre. And of course he always finishes with the obligatory "If you know what I mean." And, sadly, I always do. Now this phrase has seeped into one of the worst pop song in recent memory, Destiny's Child's Soldier. Now I was totally on the Destiny's Child bandwagon circa the Survivor era. During my Best Songs of 2001 countdown DC charted 3 times (Bootylicious - #6; Survivor - #8; Emotions - #43) and Beyoncé has made my countdown in recent years by herself. But Soldier is just bad on so many levels. First of which is the previously mentioned, "... if you know what I mean." And in the song it preceded by, "Known to carry big things..." As much as I don't want to, sadly I know what they mean. But there are things they talk about that I don't know what they mean. Like, "He knows how to split the money three ways." What do they mean by that? Does that mean the three girls get the money while the guy gets none? It makes no logical sense.

Then there are the rappers. First up you have T.I. whom for some reason thinks he is hard. I have no respect for a rapper who claims he's hard but when it comes down to it I could beat him in a fight. The guy even wears his hats like Antoine Merriwether of "Men on Film" fame. Then there is Lil' Wayne, who already violates one of my rules for rapper stating that all rappers with Lil' in their names suck massively (i.e. Lil' Bow Wow, Lil' Kim, Lil' Romeo and so on). Then to make thing worse, the Lil' one raps "Cash Money is an army. I'm walking with purple hearts on me." Um, does he not realize that there is real war going on right now where real soldier are earning purple hearts, not just rapping about it in a corny pop song? I doubt Lil' Wayne or the Antoine Merriwether wannabe could last one day as a real soldier.

There is another song that as might as well have a "if you know what I mean" in it, 50 Cent's Candy Shop. The line in question is, "I'll let you lick the lollipop." Or, "I'll melt in your mouth not in your hand." How sophomoric. Is this the same guy how wrote the eternally clever How to Rob? Of course that was back in the "Bashing Ja Rule" days. Unfortunately 50 has slowly become Ja Rule. Have a female R&B artist sing your hooks - check. Tell the female singer to "keep it between me and you" - check. Run with a talent less crew - check. Appeal to fourteen year old white girls - check. It's about time to have an intervention for 50 before he does a video based on a musical ala Mesmerized or worse a duet with Jennifer Lopez.

NyQuil, We Love You, You Giant *cough*ing Q

It seems I've recently been bitten by the flu bug. But don't cry for me Argentina, the flu means I can partake in the greatest part of the flu season, NyQuil. There is nothing better than what a wise man once called the "Green Death Flavor." Then the marketing geniuses at Vick came up with the greatest marketing ploy of all time, package NyQuil with its own shot glass. How did this trend not seep into the liquor aisle? Although Vicks couldn't let a good thing alone and thus we also now have DayQuil. And this is where the problem lies. I wake up in the morning and take DayQuil. Then when it's time to go to bed, break out the shot glass and down some NyQuil. It's like I turned into Elvis. And we all know how the movie ended. There can't possibly be a worse way to die.

Talking about drugs, anyone think it's a coincidence that a couple weeks after implicating President Bush saying he knew about the rampant steroid use when he owned the Rangers and now it turns out Jose Canseco owns money in back taxes? Something to ponder.