Since I’m Already Screwed Here’s a Message to You

Nobody can set a bar as low as Paris Hilton not even the thought of Kevin Federline rapping had as low of expectations. Quite a marketing strategy actually because no how bad it is, it’s going to better than expected. And just that happened when her song Stars Are Blind “leaked” (yeah, much like her sex tape leaked) onto the internet. But saying the song was better than expected would be saying after meeting Osama bin Ladin saying, “You know, he was less evil than I thought he’d be.” Just because the song was a two on a scale of a hundred instead of one doesn’t make it a good song. Not to mention if I were Deborah Harry I’d sue and point to every review of the song as proof that it blatantly stole from The Tide Is High.

On the aptly titled Paris (not as catch as One Night in Paris, but anyways) Paris’ singing is very akin to her speech patterns; very little inflection which could explain why her vocals are distorted or layered thought the album and there are time where I’m pretty sure the lead vocal isn’t her especially at the end of Turn it Up. It’s so deliberate and overdone even Ashlee Simpson could make fun of Paris’ singing without anyone mentioning pots and kettles. Paris even tries at spoken word and cooing but and the result is laughable at best. In the chorus of one song she inexplicably turns “fight” into a two syllable word. Most of the songs are about how sexy she is with titles including Fightin’ Over Me, Turn You On (where she disturbingly says she’ll be our “liquid dream,” did she not learn from O-Town how creepy that phrase is) and the apparently ironic Screwed.

Then there is Jealousy which will obviously conjure up thoughts of Nicole Richie until you realize that would me that it was actually Paris who wrote the song. I’m just going to assume that she got writing credits for telling someone else things like, “write me a song about how evil Nicole,” or randomly dropping, “that’s hot,” into a song. I can’t image Paris would write the line in Not Leaving Without You, “Don’t ask me for my number because my number’s undercover,” when anyone with an internet connection can find her, and all her friends numbers there.

And for those who took the under for thirty second on how long it would take for Paris to say “That’s hot,” which also happens to be the most annoying catchphrase ever, on the album, time to call up you bookie because you won by twenty-five seconds. She also gives an early shout-out to her producer, Scott Storch three times in the first two songs, which is the most annoying innovation in music today, even more annoying than rappers who namedrop their label. Wait, I was wrong saying “That’s hot” is the most annoying catchphrase, no that title goes to guest rapper Morbidly Obese Joe (saying he's fat is the understatement of the decade) who for some reason has to say “Crack” every time he starts raping. He shows up on Fightin’ Over Me along with Jadakiss who I think wasn’t actually told that the verse for a Paris Hilton song as he doesn’t mention it or even raps about what the song is about.

Stealing is a big theme of this album. Aside from the previously mentioned Blondie rip-off (not to mention they obviously stole the idea for the Stars Are Blind video from Chris Isaak) there are plenty of other “influences” on the album. Heartbeat starts off just like Love at First Sight by Kylie Minogue and everything in-between sound like what would happen if someone was making an eighties movie but didn’t have enough money to license any songs from the era so they paid someone really cheap and the song is the result. Then there’s Nothing in this World which totally rips off The Veronicas’ 4Ever granted not as blatantly as Pink did with her note for note grand larceny U + Ur Hand but there is something to be said about stealing from a song that someone already did a couple months earlier. Another “influence” you can find on the album is Donna Summer on Not Leaving Without You which has almost the exact same beat as I Need Love. The only legal theft sample is on I Want You which takes from the theme to Grease (which my sources tell me is the word).

The album comes to a conclusion with I believe another reviewer called a sign of the apocalypse, and really I can’t think of a better comparison, when Paris tries sing Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? In a word: No. I have reviewed a bunch of bad albums in the past but Paris is so bad I had to invent a new level to my Terror Alert Scale - TA:Black.

Song to Download - Are You Kidding?

Paris gets a [TA: Black] on my Terror Alert Scale.