Don't Keep Pacing, Make These Dudes Blow Their Pistons

It looks as if the NBA will be avoiding a lockout next season as if it was even a possibility as David Stern has more power in the league than Castro has in Cuba. The changes made in the Collective Bargaining Agreement will help make the game better but not by much as there was very little change at all. First, the maximum number of years a free agent can sign for was reduced from seven to six. Long guaranteed contracts have long been a curse in the NBA as once players sign that first contract; they just go out and play at half speed until they are up for another contract. Let’s call this the Shawn Kemp Rule. Another change is now, veterans are tested four times a year for enhancement and recreational drugs. Sorry Damon Stoudamire (and reportedly 70% of the league).

But f course the big news is the raising of the age limit to 19 (or wait one year after graduating high school for American players). This is something I’ve been whining about ever since I stopped watching basketball on a regular occasion about five years ago. That is when the players started to forget how to play and concentrated more on how to make a good poster pose (*cough Vince Carter cough*). This could all be traced back to a lack of fundamentals that are not being taught by NBA coaches who expect that their players already know them.

One pro-high schoolers argument that bugs me is the “Look at KG, Kobe, Jermaine O’Neal” argument. If we take a trip in the Scooter Time machine at each of the player’s first couple years – when we get there, we will see all of them as bench warmers and waterboys, with emphasis on boys. None of them contributed anything until garbage time and O’Neal did do anything until he jumped to Indiana. Of course then come the Amare and LeBron mentions. Yes, they both had monster rookie years, but in a stars’ league, where were they come playoff time? Watching on TV. Amare need a MVP to get into the playoffs and LeBron is still watching on TV. In fact how many of the high schoolsers have contributed to a championship team? Kobe, the white girl slayer, is the only one that I can think of, and we all know that Shaq was the reason they got the rings.

So hopefully these minor changes do improve the game next year. But the only reason anyone will be watching the NBA at all next year will be because it will mark the return of a star off his one year sabbatical. No, not Phil Jackson, I mean the Malice at the Palace himself, Ron Artest. He is now the new Mike Tyson, you never know when he will snap, charge into the stand and bite some one’s ear off. NBA – I love this game. And hopefully Jim Grey will be there when Artest snaps too because there nothing funnier than Grey’s face last year after the riot happened. I have never seen a grown man that scared before. Maybe next time he will start sobbing.

In more NBA news, Andrew Bogut brought an actual paper résumé to his workout for the Bucks the other day. I hears the Bucks were leaning towards taking Marvin Williams with the number one pick in the draft until they saw Bogut’s impeccable work he put in a Bob’s Big Boy in high school.

In other sports news, the Chicago Black Hawks (to refresh your memory, it’s an NHL team), just fired their coach. This beggs the question, what is worse right now, being fired from the NHL, or still having a job with the NHL?

Oh, and one more NBA note, supposedly there is a finals game on tonight. Isn’t July yet?

Record (and Movie) Executives Are Shady III

I was recently perusing the upcoming releases when I noticed that Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (Unrated Version) is being released on July 12th. Great, now I get to see one of my favorite comedies of recent memory the way is was supposed to be seen. The only problem is that I bought the rated version a couple months ago when it came out. I even got a complementary Dodgeball head band with my purchase. Granted, the headband fits better as a wristband, but anyways. This is a problem that has really irked me for a long time as I buy a DVD only for them to release a better version latter. So now I get to add Dodgeball to the list that already includes Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Army of Darkness, Spaceballs, and The Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore Collection (Special Edition). So at $10-$25 the cost will start racking up to repurchase each of the items, none of which I’ve done yet.

And as you can tell by the title, I’m not letting my least favorite industry off the hook either. They too have been known to re-release special albums. On my list of CD I already own but would like to get include Weezer’s The Blue Album, Bob Marley’s Legend, and The Clash’s London Calling. Again I have yet the desire to purchase these items again, but unlike the DVD’s, I do have the options to download the songs in questions. But my main problem with that is when I want a whole album, I want it on CD and they do not sell just the special CD anywhere. And the movie and music companies wonder why people steal their products. I can’t speak for the pirates and Robin Hoods of the world but this might have something to do with it.

The Best of Billy Joel

Every once in a while I like to create a CD that brings together my favorite songs of artists where I have a lot of their albums and songs. So periodically I will post the CD’s I made in case anyone was interested in making their own. First up is one of my childhood favorites, Billy Joel. I have all of his Greatest Hits albums and most of his other albums, granted most of those are on cassettes. Feel free to comment on what I’ve left off, and what you would trade it with, as there were a few great songs left off due to time restraints. My compilation comes in at 76:00.

1. She's Got a Way - Cold Spring Harbor (1971) 3:00
2. Piano Man - Piano Man (1973) 5:36
3. Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) - The Stranger (1977) 3.28
4. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant - The Stranger (1977) 7:33
5. Just the Way You Are - The Stranger (1977) 3:36
6. She's Always a Woman - The Stranger (1977) 3:17
7. Only the Good Die Young - The Stranger (1977) 3:53
8. Big Shot - 52^nd Street (1978) 3:43
9. My Life - 52^nd Street (1978) 3:51
10. You May Be Right - Glass Houses (1980) 4:09
11. It's Still Rock & Roll to Me - Glass Houses (1980) 2:54
12. Allentown - The Nylon Curtain (1982) 3:48
13. Uptown Girl - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:15
14. The Longest Time - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:36
15. Tell Her About It - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:35
16. A Matter of Trust - The Bridge (1986) 4:12
17. We Didn't Start the Fire - Storm Front (1990) 4:49
18. Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - River of Dreams (1993) 3:34
19. The River of Dreams - River of Dreams (1993) 4:11

It's All About the Benjamins Baby

Typically I try to avoid anything that has to do with Jerry Bruckheimer (how does his last name pass spell check?) at all cost considering I’m not a big fan of watching things blow up surrounded by a lousy plot. Black Hawk Down is one of the few movies I’ve seen that he was attached to that didn’t suck massively. Seriously, how can you possibly mess up a movie about Pearl Harbor? Well by poorly ripping off Titanic I guess. So I broke down this weekend and picked up National Treasure and hoped Bruckheimer actually devised a plot for the movie.

National Treasure follows a family in search of a long lost treasure that was supposedly hidden by our founding founders. Nick Cage plays the son who is still searching for it while Jon Voight is the skeptical dad whose life was ruined by unsuccessfully looking. With the son being the treasure hunter (or as Cage’s Ben Gates says, “Treasure protectors”) and dad being skeptical, parallels are easily drawn with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. They even throw in a hot German chick just for fun. But the German chick in this movie has been nationalized and has access to the Declaration of Independence. That, of course, comes in handy when Gates needs to steal it.

Gates need to steal the Declaration of Independence because his former partner, evil English dude, plans to steal it to use it to find the treasure for his own personal collection. Rounding out the cast is Gates’ sidekick, Riley (think Short Round from Temple of Doom but older and less Asian), and Harvey Keitel in a rare good guy turn as the FBI agent who is looking for Gates.

The plot is surprisingly decent. They is a good balance between historically accuracy and aspects that were made up to go with the storyline. You can really tell that some did their homework to make sure what could be accurate is and what is made up could be plausible. As for the action, Bruckheimer kept the big explosions to only one, which has to be a record low for him. The biggest disappointment I had with the action was, if you remember back to the trailer (which is missing from the DVD release, I hate when that happens), Gates is holding on to the hot German chick and asks her; “Do you trust me?” And she say, “yes” than Gates drops her. Everybody and their mothers were like “Whoa” when they first saw it but when you see it in the context of the film, it is obvious that she really isn’t in any danger.

As for the extras on the DVD, I mentioned earlier that it lack the theatrical trailer yet it had the Verizon commercial that when along with the film for some reason. It also had a nice documentary about present day treasure hunters and another one about the making of the movie. It also had the prerequisite deleted scenes, neither of which were that interesting. It also had an alternate ending, and to honest they went with the better ending in the movie. The cool thing about the extras is they give you clues that will help you unlock some more extra materials.

National Treasure gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Rocky Mountain High

One show that took a significant down fall this year was Everwood. It started out good as a witty show with quirky characters but also relied heavy on the melodrama and dealt with some deep subject matter. But there was something just dragged the third season down most of the year and the reason is easy to figure out, Ephram Brown. Ephram’s whining and cringe got so insufferable this season I found myself flipping the channel every time he came on screen. Hopefully he stays in Europe next year and we, the audience, don’t follow him there.

The saving grace to this season was STA winner for best cast addition, Hannah. She was the shy new girl in school who was taken under the wing of Amy and then turned into the rock that everyone came to talk their problems to by the middle of the season and ended up having the most interesting storyline by the end of the season with her trying to figure if she had Huntington's Disease or decide if she even wants to know. Although her character was somewhat ruined in the finale when Bright professed his love for her. I don’t see that relationship going anywhere.

Also making pit stops in Everwood were the originator of the insufferable whining and crying on television, Scott Wolf, continuing the revival of the cast of Party of Five, and the certifiably insane Anne Heche. Heche’s storyline with the disable husband was borderline icky at time, granted Heche’s personal life might had added to the ick factor. On the other hand Wolf’s character was relatively bland and show very little as an actor until the last episode when it was hinted he had a bad temper at times. We also, once again, got to hear the voice of Ephram's dead mother who sounded a lot like Mary Alice, the dead mother on Desperate Housewives. Could there be anything worse than being typecast as a dead mom?

Looking forward to next year, I predict we will see more of Jake’s (Wolf) temper (please, oh please let him have a drinking problem). This will lead Nina into the arms of Andy. Sarah and Bright’s relationship will end horribly. Rose’s condition will be the focus of next season as the Abbott family will have to deal with her recovery which I predict will not go smoothly. And once Rose gets better, there will be some one else (Irv?) who will need saving by Dr. Brown. And if we are lucky, there will be no sign of Ephram.

Everwood 3.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I'm More Than a Man in a Silly Red Cape

So as somewhat a nerd, I do find myself required to watch Smallville, the WB-ification (i.e. hot, moody teenagers) of the greatest superhero ever written, even though I can’t say I actually own any comic books (aside from a few Beavis and Butthead one I picked up in my formative years). I did enjoy the Christopher Reeves movies as a kid although I passed on the Dean Cain version as it seemed more like a chick flick but on TV. And nothing bothered me more than the idea of a whipped Superman. Then four years ago came Smallville or Superman – The High School Years. An interesting concept considering Lex Luther was not Clark Kent archenemies yet, nor had Kent don the tights yet. The episode drew a lot on the Buffy monster of the week philosophy but with a kryptonite twist.

We left off the third season with Lex being poisoned, Lana leaving for Paris, Chloe being blown up, Pete has skipped town, Lionel was dieing from a bad liver and suddenly bald, and Clark disappeared with some naked hot chick. But of course no one really died and everything was back to normal by the third episode of the current season. Although Pete never came back and was replace instead was replace by Lana’s boyfriend that she met in Paris. And yes, I hated him for that.

The big news of the fourth season was that Lana was promoted from the Token Hot Chick of the show and actually had a decent storyline this year. Sadly this took her out of the running for the title of Hottest Token Hot Chick in the 1st annual Scooter Television Awards. So Lana apparently is the decent of a witch who decided to use Miss Lang to get back at the lineage that burned her at the stake. Luckily evil ancestor is successful and we get the greatest Smallville invention: evil Lana. For anyone who saw Eurotrip, you know how entertaining that can be. Evil Lana, like Clark, Lex, Lionel, Lana’s new boyfriend and his mom, is after three stone that apparently do something.

So with Lana dropping the title of token hot chick and no show is complete without one, so enter Lois Lane. A sassier version that the other LL’s, but then again she is a teenager so I guess it makes sense. She was also a slight twist on the token hot chick in that she could kick my butt, and that only made her hotter. Smallville also brought in some other characters from the Superman lexicon including the Flash and Krypto the dog.

Then by the end of the season, just like at the end of last season, everyone is in peril as another meteor shower has hit Smallville. And it looks like the stones everyone wanted transported Clark to what may become his Fortress of Solitude. Looking forward to next season, I assume it’s safe to assume that everything will be back to normal by the start of the third episode. But when it comes down to it, hopefully we will get to see more of bad Lana.

Smallville 4.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Please Stop Looking

Puff Daddy must be relieved now that he no longer holds the record for using the worst sample ever when he stole The Police’s Every Breathe You Take for his I’ll Be Missing You song. That title now belongs to Pras, formally know as the other dude in the Fugees, who recently sampled U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For in his obviously titled Haven’t Found. When I first heard the song it started off with the unmistakable guitar riff, but then a weird base line kicks in and then a women’s voice starts singing that surely isn’t Bono. The lyrics are also chaotic in that Pras and the chick trade verses where Pras’ are more political while the chick sings about relationship. Seriously, pick a subject and stick to it. I you don’t want to waste your money, you can see the video of free here.

In other horrible music news, I would like to let all the girls out there know, despite recent songs that say otherwise, if a few times you’ve been around that track, you are, by definition, a Hollaback Girl.

Now Watch Me Rise Up and Leave

A couple days ago, I posted my Coldplay review and mentioned that the new album was more of the same. The reason they will never (at least not right now) reach U2 status is because they haven’t evolved unlike U2 who changes from album to album. When you stick to a signature sound, you set yourself up to be Pearl Jam with grunge. Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains were good, but then the radio filled up with knock offs like Bush, Candlebox and many other bland copy cats. Recently I’ve heard some bands have their own Coldplay songs (Oasis – Mucky Fingers). Well let me introduce you to the first Coldplay cover band, Embrace. Will they play Alice in Chains to Coldplay’s Pearl Jam or are they more of a Bush.

Granted the Coldplay comparison does stretch it a little. I was first introduced to Embrace by some one who compared them to Coldplay. Aside from being British and mellow, emotional music, there really isn’t much in common musically aside from Gravity that takes off the signature Coldplay guitar crunch (and coincidently was co-written by Chris Martin). With the multiple layered music and danceable tracks, The Stone Roses might be a better comparison.

On their latest album, Out of Nothing, Embrace shine whenever they go for the layered vocals/choral approach to songs such as Ashes and Someday. The added layers give a sense of grandeur that seem to be missing from today’s pop landscape. The slower songs, such as the title track, do bring down the album a little bit as they don’t pull these types of songs off like Coldplay. Luckily, most of these songs do change tempos to make the songs better.

Song to Download – Ashes

Out of Nothing gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. V

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Big Head Barry and the Monsters Update

It's been a while since I've blasted my favorite oversized melon, but the latest Bonds story is a good one (or bad depending how you look at it). In Tales from the White Sox Dugout, former White Sox Ron Kittle tells how he approached the Giant's slugger with a couple of Bonds' game-worn road jerseys, asking him to autograph them for an auction for Kittle's charity for children with cancer:

I paid about $110 of my own money for them, so they could be auctioned off at the golf outing. I did that all the time for stars like Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Derek Jeter and Roger Clemens. When I tell them how their autographs help the cause, every player gladly signs - with one exception. I walked up to Bonds at his locker in the Wrigley Field visitors' clubhouse, introduced myself and said, "Barry, if you sign these, they'll bring in a lot of money for kids who need help." Bonds stood up, looked me in the eye and said, "I don't sign for white people." If lightning hits me today, I will swear those were his exact words. Matt Williams and other Giants were in the room and they heard what Bonds said.
You can check out Bonds' response here - Bonds blasts Kittle for racist quote attributed to Bonds.

In related Big Head Barry news, his trainer is in the news again, check out what he's up to - Anderson didn't receive a plea deal.

In more uplifting sports news, The Cleveland Browns recently donated $300,000 to nine local schools that were in danger of having to cut all extracurricular actives. It's nice to see they are putting the money they took back from Kellen "I'm a soldier" Winslow Jr. into a good cause. The NFL then added another $200,000. Apparently the Browns realize what our government doesn't that "Kids are gonna act a fool, when you cut the programs for after school?" But I guess it doesn't matter to them as long as No Millionaire is Left Behind.

We on Award Tour - 2005 MTV Movie Awards

Typically the best award show, MTV Movie Awards was last night. But could it overcome the horribly unfunny Jimmy Fallon? First, let me judge the commercials that led up to the show. First there was the Chewbacca one, not so funny as I could care less about celebrity coupling. Then there was the Maria Full of Grace short. This was I actually did find funny but I have a feeling that 95% of the MTV demographic have never even heard of the movie. But when it comes down to it, neither were as funny as the one Fallon did a couple years back for the VMA’s when he said “You would make out with me in front of my doorman when I said ‘This is Natalie Portman from Star Wars, what to watch me make out with her?’”

Then we had to sit through the pre-show which was a half of hour of watching Nicole Richie and Fat Joe (and fat is being nice, he should be known as Morbidly Obese Joe) hit on the people they were supposed to be interviewing. I’m so glad to arrive early for that.

There were three shorts throughout the night. The show opened with one of the worst ones of all time with the unfunny Jimmy Fallon being picked up by Batman who turns out to be some one who is somehow not even funnier than Fallon, Napoleon Dynamite. The skit didn’t make sense because, like everyone else, I haven’t seen Batman Begins. Next we have the Star Wars parody. Again not funny, maybe because they were making light of the darkest scenes in Star Wars history. Last we have the Fallon-free Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson sketch. Not their best work bust still funnier than anything Fallon did all night.

As for the musically performances, we start of with Eminem doing what he does best, making fun of pop stars, then transitions into a medley of two of his worst songs ever. Is this guy seriously in his thirties? I have no comment of Mariah Carey’s performance as I switched over to watch Vanilla Ice’s performance on Hit Me Baby One More Time. Then we get a special performance by Yellowcard during The Breakfast Club tribute. Can we pass a law forbidding them from ever singing Don’t You (Forget About Me) ever again please? And while we're at it, can we please ban all "punk" bands that sound more like the Backstreet Boys than The Clash? The last performance is by the Foo Fighters who are basically a hit-or-miss band. I have to say that song was a miss.

One band we didn’t see was Nine Inch Nails who pulled out after MTV found a picture of George Bush to be too offensive. So let me get this straight, Jackass – Not offensive; Letting Jimmy Fallon fondle Sandra Bullock – not offensive; Having Eminem perform as song where he obsesses over an under aged girl’s butt – Not offensive; Picture of George Bush - Offensive. Um, OK, if you say so.

We also get two new special awards as it seems that the Lifetime Achievement Award and Best New Director Award are no longer as we now get the some sort of “Generation Award” for Tom Cruise. They really got rid of the Lifetime Achievement Award for this? Did MTV just create this award so they could have a reason to have Katie Holmes and Cruise on the stage at the same time? Then the cast of The Breakfast Club were apparently awarded the Stanly Cup. I’m sure the hockey fans were glad to finally se it again. Maybe I’m too young, but I never got the appeal of the movie or any John Hughes’ movie. I guess you had to be in high school in the eighties or a girl to appreciate them. And lets be honest, the only reason why this movie got the award was because they wouldn’t be able to get Sean Penn, Nicholas Cage, and Jennifer Jason Lee to get back together for a Fast Times reunion.

As for my predictions (If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Ball) I voted for a measly four of the fourteen awards. I didn’t do much well predicating as I only got six correct. Looking at the winner’s list, it looks like I severely overestimated the nerd population. I thought they would come out and have Spiderman 2 sweep the awards they were up for. Instead the D&D crowd instead voted for their own personal bio-flick Napoleon Dynamite. I already stated my conspiracy theory about Napoleon being produced by MTV studios, so I won’t go into that again.

Funniest acceptation surprisingly goes to the biggest surprise winner, Dustin Hoffman (seriously, does anyone who watches MTV see Meet the Fockers?), who rightfully put Eminem in his place. As for the most boring speech, that goes to Lindsay Lohan who warns us to watch out for the paparazzi. Um, OK, thanks for the tip. Granted the only reason she won was because most of the votes were taken before her magical disappearing breast trick, otherwise Rachel McAdams, who is pretty hot for a Canadian, would have made it a clean sweep for the night. While I’m talking about The Notebook I finally got a look at the dude from The Notebook, the dude everyone was comparing me to this winter, for the first time, and I see no resemblance. Not to mention, sadly no one who looks like Rachel McAdams had jumped on me during that time. Oh well.

For those keeping track, that would be three bland MTV Awards shows in a row. Here’s a suggestion to MTV, through tons of money at Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle for this year’s VMA’s.

I See You've Painted Your Soul

There has been a plethora of young singer-songwriter of the fairer sex to come along lately that almost makes you wish the return of the Lilith Fair. There was the eclectic pop of the group Eisley, the introspective pop of Anna Nalick and the quirky country-pop of Kathleen Edwards. You can now add Missy Higgins to this group. Higgins is already a star in her native Australia who is now trying to join the like of INXS and Midnight Oil with some American success.

The Sound of White is a polished album with soothing melodies and lush arrangements that will bring up comparisons to Sarah McLachlan. Higgins has a signature sound here on the album, but the song are diverse that that the album is worth repeat listenings. Higgins strong point is her songwriting. From deep (I see you've painted your soul into your guard) to longing for romance (I’ve tried cutting the rose, letting you go, but you’re still the only one that feels like home).

Song to Download – Ten Days

The Sound of White gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

All that Noise, All that Sound

One of the best bands of the new millennium is Coldplay. With their first two albums, they were posed to battle U2 for the “Greatest Band in the World” title, a title that U2 has held for most of the last 25 years. Parachutes was a good introduction with mellow grooves, just something to sit back and relax too. It also set up what has become the signature Coldplay sound. Then with A Rush of Blood to the Head, they perfected there sound of crushing guitars and piano strings. X&Y could be the make or break album.

We got a taste of what the new album will sound like with Speed of Sound, the first single that has been out for a while (one critic said it sounds like Clocks but without the passion). Sadly, that is about the best we will get to hear on the album. X&Y is, in essence, a step backwards from A Rush of Blood to the Head almost as it was the missing link between Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head.

It is pretty simple what is to blame in Coldplay’s slide, the recent marriage of lead singer, Chris Martin to Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s been clinically proven that one’s skills get deteriorated by dating or marrying stars. Case in point, Andre Agassi, he was ranked number one in the world, then marries Brooke Shields and starts losing in the first round. And how many rock star careers has Winona Rider destroyed?

So what we get on X&Y are songs about new love. One song sappier that the first. The best of these songs is Fix You. A song about trying to fix any problem your girlfriend has no matter how hard the problem is. Had they stopped there, it would have been good for the album but then we have to sit through others relationship issues like What If?, Talk, A Message, The Hardest Part, and Swallowed in the Sea.

The standout track is the hidden closer, Til Kingdom Comes. A song the band originally wrote for Johnny Cash’s American Recordings V, but unfortunately Cash died before recording it. On a side note, I cannot recommend American Recordings I-IV enough. Coldplay ended up recording it for themselves, so what you get is an old-school county song with Martin bringing out a rare baritone voice.

In the end, if you liked their first two albums, most likely you will like this. Hopefully on the next album, they experiment a little more maybe even try a couple more songs like Til Kingdom Comes.

As an after word to this review, I caught a MTV special with Coldplay performing the songs off the album. I caught it about halfway through, but what I heard was more passionate than what was on the album. Maybe instead of comparing them to U2, Dave Matthews Band might be a better comparison as their studio albums never sound as good as their live shows.

Song to Download - Til Kingdom Comes (Hidden Track)

X&Y gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Welcome to the Jungle

To commemorate the release of the XBOX version of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, I thought I would whip out a review albeit for the Playstation 2. (As I type this out on Microsoft Word, I find it very interesting that XBOX makes it through spell check yet Playstation doesn’t. Isn’t that taking it too far Bill?) Keep in mind I currently hovering around 70% after playing since January so I do not have a full review as the finish can sometimes make or break a game. There is nothing worse than spending a lot of time on a decent to good game only to have a lackluster ending (*cough Star Wars: Bounty Hunter cough*). But I do have a good feel to the game as I have been playing it for almost half a year.

Just like the recently reviewed Desperate Housewives (scroll down one entry), I avoided the Grand Theft Auto series as all the review for GTA3 all revolved around the ability to have your way with a hooker only to kill her and get your money back. Not necessarily my idea of fun, but anyways. Then the ads for GTA: Vice City came out. I’m sure we all remember the Miami Vice look-a-likes strolling around with explosions going of in the background and slick cars flying through the air to the sounds of A Flock of Seagulls’ I Ran. I have to admit I was excited as a child of the 80’s and a lover of anything from the decade. But then I remembered the whole hooker thing. Then I came across the soundtrack to GTA:VC featuring such great 80’s artist as Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams, Laura Branigan, Twisted Sister, Night Ranger, and my personal favorite, Lionel Ritchie. And that just a tip of the iceberg as they about fifty songs that you were able to listen to while driving around Vice City. I even found myself at my destination and I wouldn’t get out of the car because a certain song was on the radio. As for the gameplay, there were many entertaining missions that you go on all different from each other. Although I could have done without the RC missions.

So when I was offered a free copy of GTA: SA (thank you Promosquad, check to your left for a link), I jumped at it. The game this time is set in the early 90’s in a state that resembles California. Yes, there is a state to roam around, not just one city. In fact, the three major cities in the state all seem as big if not bigger than Vice City. In San Andreas, you start out in Los Santos, a Los Angeles type city and Grove Street is your own personal Compton. Next own your journey is San Fierro is a take on San Francisco equipped with hills, a winding street, and a lot of alternative lifestyle hangouts. The last place you will travel is Las Venturas which is the alternative universe version of Las Vegas which basically in California anyways. And that not it, there is an extensive rural element to San Andreas too that is about three times the size of the three major cities combined including a desert, a dam, a mountain, a secret military base, and a couple small towns and farm areas.

The music was the big part of GTA:VC, so it’s only right to start there. Since we are set in the early 90’s LA off-shoot, gangsta rap takes center stage on the radio station Radio Los Santos with eight songs by N.W.A. or N.W.A. alumni. The other major music of the time was grunge and that is put on Radio X with songs by Helmet, Rage Against the Machine, and Alice in Chains. For soul, turn to CSR and you will get contemporary music from En Vogue, Boyz II Men, and Bell Biv DeVoe, with you DJ as voiced by Michael Bivins of BBD and New Edition.

Unlike GTA:VC, SA has a few classic stations too. Playback, with your DJ voiced by Chuck D, features old school rap from Chuck’s Public Enemy, Gang Starr, and Biz Markie. Bounce FM plays classic funk tracks with your DJ, The Funktipus as voiced by George Clinton where you will hear the sounds of Rick James, Ohio Players, and The Gap Band. K-Rose is the country station for when you are traveling around the boondocks. K-DST brings you some classic rock from the likes of Tom Petty, Billy Idol and what classic rock station wouldn't be complete without some Free Bird? And the music is brought to you by none other than W Axl Rose. And quite frankly, he shouldn’t quit his day job of being a recluse. Rounding out the dial is a dance station, a Reggie station, and some talk radio. So the music is not as good as Vice City, but it will keep you entertained, even six months in.

The guest DJ’s are not the only known personalities in the game. First and foremost is Coach Carter himself, Samuel L. Jackson as Officer Tenpenny, a cop so mean that he makes Officer Krupke look like a dancing sissy. His sidekick, Officer Pulaski, is voiced by Chris Penn. I’m sure you all remember him as the hick Kevin Bacon taught to dance in Footloose. The face of the counter-culture, Peter Fonda, plays, of course a hippie who has a distrust of the government (granted my generation best knows him as Bridget's dad). James Woods plays a government agent. Fresh from his True Hollywood Stories, Charlie Murphy makes a funny, albeit short cameo. David Cross from Arrested Development is telecasted as an uber-nerd. Ice-T, The Game, MC Eiht and members of the Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. not surprisingly are cast as ganstas. For the females, they brought in the C-list with Debi Mazar and Bijou Phillips who makes a rare appearance without taking her cloths off.

As for the missions, there are many that closely resemble those that are found in Vice City. Luckily they are only two RC missions here (at least as far as I gone), but the bad new that one of them is the hardest mission ever. Ever. EVER. It took me about a week to finally complete it. It was so excruciatingly painful, I skip watching Arrested Development for a couple weeks because the sound of David Cross’ voice, who is featured in the mission, sent me in to a crazed frenzy. You cannot fully comprehend how horrible this mission is until you play it.

There were some improvements in the game over Vice City as I mention earlier, the massive scale of the state. The biggest change though is that CJ can swim. I could never understand how some one on an island was unable to swim. Also CJ has the ability to climb over walls and such, this comes in handy throughout the game. CJ also has the ability of stealth, stealing a page out of Sam Fisher’s playbook. And since we are roaming around a state, you have the ability to steal airplanes and fly them. And in case you want to bail out of you plane mid-flight, you can strap on a parachute and glide down without becoming a pancake on the sidewalk. Bicycles also make their appearance as a mode of transportation as well as a special “vehicle” that you will steal from the government that I won’t spoil for you.

There is addition that I'm not fond as GTA moves to The Sims territory. I have never understood why anyone would want to play a life simulator why they have there own like to control. In GTA:SA, you must make sure CJ eat or you will eventually lose some health. Also, there gyms you can go to add some muscle mass or just lose some pounds because if you eat too much, CJ slows down and you can't jump as high. There is also a way to increase your sex appeal by getting tattoos, new cloths and new hairstyle of which includes every hair cut a black man has ever worn, I'm partial to the Bobby Brown-Gumby look, and even some they don't use like the Elvis pompadour.

Looking forward to a possible 7^th GTA, may I suggest a late 70’s New York type city. At your disposal are music that range between punk and disco. You can also implement a Studio 54 type club, a Son of Sam type character, a blackout, and can fill the game with the type of people who were regulars at Studio 54 (Warhol et. al.). Leave your suggestion for a new GTA in the comments section.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Desperately Wanting

I tried to avoid Desperate Housewives for a long time. The more the Oprah crowd talked about it around the water cooler, the more I wanted to avoid it. Then I heard one of my heroes was going to be on the show. Yes Shaft himself was going to show up on Wisteria Lane, and since Shaft is one bad... (maybe I should shut my mouth), I had to check it out. What I found was a disturbingly entertaining show. First you have Lois Lane turned single bubbling single mom. The producer of Sports Night turned overwhelmed mom. The creepy chick who used to live at Melrose Place is now a Stepford wife. And of course, what show today isn’t complete without a token hot chick. I wonder if the executives at ABC during pilot season go, “yeah that a interesting show, but do you think you can add a token hot chick?” Now if the other channels would only do this.

So it turns out that dead chick’s husband has hired Shaft to find out who was blackmailing his wife. (Ironically the last lime I saw the dead wife was on Everwood where she played… the dead wife. Typecasting anyone?) This got me a little interested, not quite as interesting as the token hot chick, but anyways. But that is just one of many mysteries on Wisteria Lane. Unlike Lost, some of the mysteries were solved by the finally. Some with better results than others. It was interesting how they intertwined the two biggest questions together with why did the one chick commit suicide and who exactly is the plumber dude.

Then there were the mysteries that went unanswered, first and for most, what was the gay homosexual, also imported from Melrose Place, big secret that he talked about with his dad. The easiest answer of that he had another family was shot as he quit his job where he does a lot of traveling. My only other guess is that he swings both ways or they will drop that plot line all together. My other big problem was the introduction of the black family. Why did they show up only to accomplish nothing to the storyline? Either hold them off until next year or tease us with something that will have us guessing all summer. Watching them just move in was boring.

The biggest glaring problem I had with the show was with Paul Young. At first he concocts a great plan to hide the dead chick that his wife killed under the pool. But once his wife kills herself, he decides to move the body from a place where no one will find her and instead throws the bode and the and the wood box that it is in into a lake. Has he never seen “Will it Float?” on Letterman? Both wood and bodies float.

Looking forward to next season, I think it’s pretty safe to say it will turn out that Dana is the plumber’s kid (or at least the plumber will think so). The black family will have some deep dark secret. Susan will fumble around a lot. The Melrose Place dude will have the same problem his wife did as Mr. Mom. Edie will hit on the black dude. And hopefully if the token hot chick starts showing her pregnancy, they bring in another token hot chick to replace her.

Desperate Housewives 1x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. It also won a STA.