It's Like a World's Greatest Hits Collection of Nightmares

Vampires are lame. They just sleep all day, slick their back, and wear a wardrobe that Liberace would consider too over the top. I actually just described a cousin of mine who is a prime candidate for the next season of Tool Academy. And as lame as vampires are, they somehow managed to become even lamer last decade when they all decided to become annoyingly whiney, became impotent (seriously, a vampire that doesn’t kill?!) and then these two hundred year old dudes started hanging out in high school, picking up sixteen year old girls. Someone get Chris Hansen on the phone.

If you want a cool supernatural being, look no further than Zombies: George Romano, Evil Dead, Thriller, Shaun of the Dead, Resident Evil. There is a reason Robert Bartleh Cummings did not use for his pseudonym Rob Vampire. Now it is time to add another win for Zombies column in their battle vs. Vampires: Zombieland.

Zombieland is one of those movies you can pretty much tell is going to be great just by the title along. That thought was validated with first look at the trailer with a banjo swinging Woody Harrelson set to Van Halen’s Everybodt Want Some!! And Zombieland isn’t one of those comedies where the only funny two minutes are jammed into the trailer; in fact the high point of the film features the greatest cameo ever, yes even better than Bob Barker beating up Happy Gilmore.

The plot revolves around Jesse Eisenberg (Cursed) who manages to have as many friends after the zombies took out almost all of humanity as before that happened and has only stayed alive thanks to a list of rules (#31 Check the Backseat). He is picked up hitchhiking by Harrelson (Kingpin) who has made it this far because of his love for killing zombies. Along their way they run into sisters Emma Stone (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past), who does a decent impersonation of Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, and Abigail Breslin (Ghost Whisperer), because what is more entertaining than watching a twelve year old unload a double barrel into a zombie?

If there one gripe to have about Zombieland it would be Eisenberg’s narration can get long in the tooth and his monotone maybe wasn’t the best idea, but whenever the drone started to start in, another entertaining zombie elimination happened. And the climatic amusement park scene is an edge of your seat rush that will make you fall off it when it throws in an unexpected joke. Word is a 3-D sequel is in the works, but considering the movie was originally developed for the small screen, hopefully they revisit that idea and bump off one of those lame vampire television shows to make room for Zombieland: The Series.

Zombieland gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.