We on Award Tour: 2008 Video Music Awards

What the frak happened to the Video Music Awards? Once the bastion of everything cool has turned into the most unwatchable thing on television. Even in the lean years, they were still able to line up legitimate stars. As much as I complained about last year’s show it still featured Kanye West, Alicia Keys, Linkin Park and Foo Fighters. This year is packed with groups that in past years would not have the resume to land them an opening show spot. Really only Kid Rock has actually sold multimillion albums. Seriously, who the frak is Tokyo Hotel? Danity Kane? Yeah, there was no blatant synergy there at all. MTV obviously knew the star power equaled that of your local public access begging to get Christina Aguilara and Kanye West to perform at the last minute pulling Kanye out of his MTV ban a year after promising never to go on the show again.

And it isn’t just the performers that were low star wattage because, the people handing out the moonmen were pretty sad too: Miley Cyrus, the cast of High School Music, the dude from Gossip Girl? You know what the VMA’s have turned into: the Teen Choice Awards. This may be my swan song for the VMA because they have decided that anyone older than fifteen and with male parts could possibly enjoy anything this crap. Here are other complaints with this year’s show:

- Instead of any music in the pre-show we get random people dancing. Um, yeah, okay. I guess that makes sense because all the pre-show quality artists were sadly invited to play on the big show. Yeah, that was the most worthless pre-show ever.

- Ooo, a new Survivor-style version of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Can’t wait. One thing I can wait for: another Paris Hilton reality show.

- Who invited Kobe Bryant? Aren’t there too many teenage white girls around for him to be invited to? If you invite Kobe Bryant, shouldn’t you invite Chris Hansen too?

- “Better luck next year T-Pain, if you’re still relevant,” I not sure who the dude who said that, but no truer words were spoken tonight. I bet less than half the people this year won’t warrant an invite next year.

- Britney Spears opening the VMA’s again. Yawn. Have we not learned from Crossroads that she cannot act.

- Wow, the place where the VMA’s took place looked about the size of the TRL set. This is really sad. The economy is really as bad as they say it is.

- I really dislike that Disturbia song, it is an obvious attempt at trying to recreate Thriller but it is no where near as catchy. But I did like the Seven Nation Army interlude. And can we keep the clippers away from Rihanna. It is like ever single she releases she cuts off even more hair.

- Congratulation Russell Brand, you went from hilarious to humongous tool even faster than Dane Cook. I guess I shouldn’t have expected much from a guy who dressed up like Osama bin Ladin the day after 9/11. If you can get on your knees to get Kanye West back, why can’t you do the same for Chris Rock?

- DJ AM and Travis Barker are the house band? Really? Since when is dating reality stars make you relevant?

- For those lucky enough to avoid the Jonas Brother phenomenon, they are basically Hanson but without legitimately catchy songs. That in no insult to Hanson who actually play all the instruments themselves when they play live.

- Luckily we only have to put with ten seconds of Katy Perry singing.

- Yeah, the Michael Phelps hosted Saturday Night Live isn’t going to be any good.

- Why invite Lil’ Wayne to perform if you are just going to censor every third word out of his mouth? Then you have T-Pain who didn’t bother to lip-sync half his performance.

- Did Lindsay Lohan said she had a dance off with AC/DC. When did this happen? Was Angus wearing his kilt? And is it on YouTube? And wasn’t Fannie Pack the people that did that horrible Camel Toe song from a few years ago.

- Paramore: best made for the pre-show.

- Wow, Russell Brand just got put on blast by Jordin Sparks. You go girl.

- Was T.I. just rapping over his song playing on the CD player? That’s some eighth grade talent show stuff.

- Add to my who are these guys list: Josh and Drake.

- I guess it is apropos that Brittany would win three awards at the biggest train wreck of the year.

- Kanye, don’t sing ever again. Ever.

- So there is another VMA, no big surprises and we are stuck at the watercooler again for the forth year in a row with nothing to talk about except about how bad it was.