I Want My Music Television: 4/25/13

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Fire We Make – Alicia Keys featuring Maxwell


When did Alicia Keys turn into Whitley Gilbert? At any rate, this is going straight into my Baby Making playlist.


Cups – Anna Kendrick


Anna Kendrick has to be the surprise hit of 2013, who would have guessed that a song from an a capella movie by one of the amateur actresses would rise up the Billboard charts. And it became such a big hit, it warranted a music video, complete with a “pop remix” that does not even to tie into the movie. And just when you almost had a grasp on how to do the cup thing yourself, now you have to figure out how they got an entire restaurant to do an entire routine in one take.


Still into You - Paramore


Who knew Paramore could have fun? I am just not sure what is up with the yellow paint dripping down the leg is supposed to symbolize.


Young Volcanoes – Fall Out Boys


So apparently the weird torture music videos from the new Fall Out Boy album is trilogy. Although we still do not know how the band gets into the back of the van or how 2 Chainz ties into the last two videos, so there may be more. Ugg.

The Voice Season Four Battle Round Power Rankings

The Battle Rounds have always been the worst part of The Voice, there seems to be more trainwrecks than great performances with everyone else ranging between mediocre to just plain boring and we also tend to lose a bunch of good talent. Things got better last season with the introduction of The Steal and they sped by some of the more boring Battles via montage. The problem last season is most of the Steals seemed to be wasted on unworthy contestants and only two made it to the Live Shows (ironically both were on Team Adam when half of the Steals were formally on his team, none of those of which advanced). The Steals were better utilized this season, though I would have preferred Jessica Childress or Brandon Roush (both of who I have a feeling were unlucky enough to perform after all the Steals had been used by the lack of Carson’s uncomfortable, “let me remind you so-and-so is available for a Steal”) had gotten through over the two interchangeable male RnB artists that did get stolen or even Patrick Dodd, but nothing really that egregious.

I cannot say I missed Cee-Lo that much during the Blind Auditions but he was solely missed in the Battle Rounds, he always had a penchant for awesomely cheesy eighties record and bizarre parings. Aside from the bluegrass version of Burning Love, none of the song choices this round were all that interesting by any of the coaches (of course the Pat Benatar song was montaged out of the show). But anyway. Surprisingly everyone in my Blind Auditions Power Rankings advanced to the Knockout Rounds (Jessica at #12 was the highest person sent home). Here is my power ranking of those moving onto the Knockout Rounds.

1. Caroline Glaser (Team Blake Adam) – All the huge words the judges trot out: diaphanous, ethereal are definitely warranted. Her voice is so soothing and unique they could invent words to describe it. As great as Danielle is (as you will tell by her ranking in a third), Blake not picking Caroline is one of the dumbest coach’s decisions in the history of the show, right up there with Erin Martin over The Shield Brothers.

2. Ryan Innes (Team Usher) – So we know he can do soul music, and do it very well, now as we transition into the homestretch, I really want to see what else he can do.

3. Danielle Bradbery (Team Blake) – Danielle’s audition was fun, but wow, she really broke out in the Battle Rounds when most other contestant’s flaws are shown. Her and Caroline put on the third best Battle Round duet in the shows history after Amanda Brown vs. Trevin Hunt and Jessie Campbell vs. Anthony Evans. And now with Caroline out of the way, Danielle established herself as the favorite on Team Blake.

4. Kris Thomas (Team Shakira) – I do not know why people continue to compare his voice to that of a woman’s. I never once thought that. The guy clearly comes from a line of great RnB tenors like Ralph Tresvant and all Eddie Kendricks of The Temptations.

5. Sarah Simmons (Team Adam) – Not the best pairing, Sarah is a powerhouse and the other guy was too laid back and the Battle did not work that well. But she has sung two songs that I do not really care for and is still in my top five. I cannot wait to hear something that I actually do like.

6. Cáthia (Team Shakira Usher) – The closest Battle possibly ever (as you can tell when you see where her opponent landed). Vocally I give the slight edge to Cathia but…

7. Mary Miranda (Team Shakira) - …Mary Miranda is the more entertaining personally. Really they could have given the entire hour to these girls and I would not have complained (and this is coming from someone who hates the backstage segments). Though I gave the slight edge to Cathia, Mary could easily leapfrog her (and others) if she does faster songs because this girl is a spitfire. She may not win the show, but she may end up having the best career of anyone this season.

8. Savannah Berry (Team Blake) – Savannah said she is more of a ballad singer and her up-tempo performance showed that she was right even though it was more fun to sit through than her audition. But now that Blake has amassed a country only team, the question going into the Live Show is will he actually go all young female country singers. If not, Savannah vs. Danielle or Holly seems like the most obvious pairing and may lead to a very hard decision.

9. Amber Carrington (Team Adam) – The biggest breakout of the Battle Rounds, not only did she decisively win her Battle Round pairing, she managed to bring out Sasha’s flaws, if this were a real boxing match, that would be a monumental feat like Buster Douglas vs. Mike Tyson.

10. Midas Whale (Team Adam) – I wonder if the accordion is to Midas Whale to what hair is to Samson because their Battle Round was a bit lackluster and Patrick was the clear winner here. They may want to dust off the accordion in the next round because they are on a very strong team and could very well be the odd men out.

11. Holly Tucker (Team Blake) – After her audition I thought she would be best served sticking to an adult contemporary lane and after hearing sing an up-tempo country song, I still think that.

12. Jess Kellner (Team Usher) – My biggest problems with the Battle Rounds is good singers can get forced to sing songs that do not fit them or get stuck with singers that they do not blend together well with. Both happened to Jess. Hopefully it was just a Battle Round fluke lik it usually is.

13. Audrey Karrasch (Team Usher) – Montage win, yawn.

14. Sasha Allen (Team Adam Shakira) – Despite her flaws being in full view, losing to Amber may have been the best for her. Now she no longer has to be in anymore silly duets, she is away from the crowded talent on Team Adam and has a much clearer path to the Live Shows with Shakira.

15. Luke Edgemon (Team Shakira Blake) – When Luke said he was going to make a strategic decision, it seemed clear to me he was gesturing toward Blake before they cut to commercial (the editors did a really horrible job because I could also clearly hear Adam say the “mmm” of Midas Whale before the ads too) so I got to spend the whole break thinking of what a horrible strategy that was as Blake’s strategy this season is a strict country one. Sure Luke may not have known that Blake was going all country because he had not done that before, but he should had know from last season that Blake had no interest in the Steal and now Luke will just be fodder for some teenage country chick. Should have went with Usher.

16. Taylor Beckham (Team Usher Blake) – Welcome to Team Blake, I hope you invested in cowboy boots and quickly learn the Miranda Lambert catalogue or it will be a short stay.

17. Judith Hill (Team Adam) – I thought she was overrated before, Adam calling her performance the greatest Battle ever only makes worse. It was not the best Battle this season (Caroline vs. Danielle); it was not even the best Battle that episode (Amber vs. Sasha).

18. Grace Askew (Team Blake) - Montage win, yawn.

19. Amy Whitcomb (Team Adam) – Montaged twice, but I still have to stand by the Sing-Off alum. But even though Adam took someone to the Live Shows last season who got her first two performances passed over, he also had a much weaker team then and it will be hard for her to slip into the top four on his team even though she would be two or three on the other teams.

20. Garrett Gardner (Team Shakira) – The token rock dude this season, probably would have preferred Brandon in his spot.

21. Monique Abbadie (Team Shakira) – She was a little bit too much for me during her audition and cringed when she sounded like she was trying to imitate Lady Gaga in the rehearsals, but she started to impress me with her performance. Could be a dark horse in the Live Rounds.

22. VEDO (Team Usher) – Dude is very likeable and if I did a Power Ranking of people from the show I would most want to hang with, Vedo would top that list (Non-Hot Chick Catergory) but he hits some bad notes and creates others that just are not there. Hopefully Usher do some better coaching because you can’t not root for this guy.

23. The Swon Brothers (Team Blake) – Had Blake not gone with the silly all country team strategy, I doubt these guys would have advanced. You cannot tell me they deserved a slot on Team Blake over Caroline. I would probably have Jacqie and Michelle above them.

24. Tawnya Reynolds (Team Shakira) - Montage win, yawn.

25. Michelle Chamuel (Team Usher) - Montage win, yawn.

26. Warren Stone (Team Adam) – Might as well as been montaged because his Battle was kind of a bore.

27. Karina Iglesias (Team Adam Shakira) – Had Adam not overhyped the Battle, I wonder if Shakira wastes her Steals that early. I would have rather her Steal Caroline to form Team Diaphanous or even had a Steal left to pick up Jessica.

28. Orlando Dixon (Team Usher Adam) – The brilliance of Ain’t No Sunshine is its simplicity. Orlando just oversang the song. When people bring out the unnecessary vocal gymnastic I think back to season one when Blake told one of his contestants, just because you can do that does not me you should.

29. Shawna P (Team Shakira) – After Caroline, this was the most shocking win of the season. I thought Brandon won that Battle easily.

30. C. Perkins (Team Shakira Usher) – I really do not have anything to say about this guy, I think he got montaged and Kris just dominated him in their Battle, nothing really stick out about him.

31. Josiah Hawley (Team Usher) – He has a serviceable voice which was worthy of a button push, but goodness that was the worse Battle Round performance (Non-Trainwreck Category) in the history of the show. Make me wonder just how bad the montaged Battles were this year if this Battle was shown.

32. Justin Rivers (Team Blake) – Montaged… twice. The only question now is which teenage country singer he is going to lose to in the Knockout Round.

As I always do, I created an advanced mathematics equation to determine who really has the strongest team (okay, I just gave 1 point to the worst and 32 to the best and added up the teams) and here is where the teams stand:

Team Adam: 149
Team Blake: 138
Team Shakira: 118
Team Usher: 123

Adam opened up his lead from the Battle Rounds (stealing the best singer will help with that) while Usher manage to go from last by a mile to leaping over Shakira. Here are some predictions on who will be advancing to the Live Shows ranking from go ahead and bet the farm to you may want to flip a coin with a dark horse in parentheses:

Team Adam: Judith, Sarah, Caroline, Midas Whale (Amy)
Team Blake: Savannah, Grace, Holly, Danielle (Luke)
Team Shakira: Kris, Sasha, Mary, Monique (Garrett)
Team Usher: Ryan Innes, Vedo, Jess Kellner, Cathia (Michelle)

The 50 Greatest Songs Ever Parodied by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Get ready to feel old people, Friday marks the thirtieth anniversary of the self titled debut album of "Weird Al" Yankovic. And the guy is still at it releasing his thirteenth album a year and a half ago. He started working the album by releasing his T.I. parody Whatever You Like to iTunes a year before it appeared on an EP. I was hoping that was signs of things to come with Al hearing a song, making a parody and releasing it before a full album is done, but alas we will have to wait a little long to hear what he does with Call Me Maybe. Until then and in honor of the anniversary I have decided to rank the greatest songs he has ever parodied (because ranking his parodies seem too obvious). Here is what I came up with and put Al’s parody in parentheses.

1. Beat It - Michael Jackson (Eat It)

2. Lose Yourself - Eminem (Couch Potato)

3. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana (Smells Like Nirvana)

4. Trapped In the Closet - R. Kelly (Trapped In the Drive-Thru)

5. Piano Man - Billy Joel (Ode to a Superhero)

6. Gangsta's Paradise - Coolio (Amish Paradise4)

7. Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Bedrock Anthem)

8. American Pie - Don McLean (The Saga Begins)

9. Lola - The Kinks (Yoda)

10. King of Pain - The Police (King of Suede)

11. One Week - Barenaked Ladies (Jerry Springer)

12. American Idiot - Green Day (Canadian Idiot)

13. Wild Thing - Tone-Loc (Isle Thing)

14. I Love Rock 'N Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (I Love Rocky Road)

15. Living In America - James Brown (Living With a Hernia)

16. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor (Theme from Rocky XIII (Aka "The Rye or The Kaiser"))

17. Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (Stop Draggin' My Car Around)

18. Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Bedrock Anthem)

19. Bad - Michael Jackson (Fat)

20. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen (Another One Rides the Bus)

21. Lump - The Presidents of the United States of America (Gump)

22. The Safety Dance - Men without Hats (The Brady Bunch)

23. Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me - U2 (Cavity Search)

24. Waterfalls - TLC (Phony Calls)

25. Mony Mony - Billy Idol (Alimony)

26. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift (TMZ)

27. Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring (Pretty Fly for a Rabbi)

28. She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals (She Drives Like Crazy)

29. Stand - R.E.M. (Spam)

30. Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer (Addicted to Spuds)

31. La Bamba - Los Lobos (Lasagna)

32. Misery - Soul Asylum (Syndicated Inc./a>)

33. I Want a New Drug - Huey Lewis and the News (I Want a New Duck)

34. It's All About the Benjamins (Remix) - Puff Daddy, The Lox, The Notorious B.I.G., and Lil' Kim (It's All About the Pentiums)

35. I Want It That Way - Backstreet Boys (Ebay)

36. Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper (Girls Just Want to Have Lunch)

37. U Can'T Touch This - MC Hammer (I Can't Watch This)

38. My Sharona - The Knack (My Bologna)

39. Got My Mind Set On You - George Harrison ((This Song's Just) Six Words Long)

40. Complicated - Avril Lavigne (A Complicated Song)

41. Like a Virgin - Madonna (Like a Surgeon)

42. Who's Johnny - El DeBarge (Here's Johnny)

43. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits (Money for Nothing / Beverly Hillbillies)

44. I Think We're Alone Now - Tiffany (I Think I'm a Clone Now)

45. Rico Suave - Gerardo (Taco Grande)

46. Mickey - Best of Toni Basil - Tony Basil (Ricky)

47. Party In the U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus (Party In the CIA)

48. Blame It On The Rain - Milli Vanilli (The Plumbing Song)

49. Ridin' - Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone (White & Nerdy)

50. Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin' Daddies (Grapefruit Diet)

Previewing Brain Games: The Series

Kiddies, come on in so I can tell you a little story: getting old sucks. Your body will start to ache with little physical exertion, it is extremely easy to gain weight and harder to take it off, and you have trouble remember what you did yesterday let alone every chapter of Trapped in the Closet verbatim like you used to. And possibly the worse, you will feel the urge to scare all the young people you know with the horror of growing old.

Maybe I was too dire with how bad your memory gets as you age (but you definitely will find it harder and harder to find your car keys) because I do remember a couple years ago National Geographic Channel ran a special called Brain Games which featured tricks to improve your memory. Okay it may not have helped me much because I only vaguely remember something about impaired driving and how unreliable police lineups are.

National Geographic Channel is resurrecting Brain Games and this time as a weekly series. Hosted by Jason Silva, the show takes an in depth look at how our brains work and what you can do to harness the power of the brain. You may think you would notice something like cheerleaders taking off their clothes, but there I was watching the premiere and completely missed it on my screen and the show explains how and why. Upcoming episodes will help you face your fears, and learn the difference between fear, dread, and anxiety. But the most fascinating was the fact that seventy percent of elections can be predicted just by looking at the candidates.

Brain Games airs Mondays at 9:00 on the National Geographic Channel including back to back episodes tonight.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 4/21/13

Mad Men: Maybe it was because there was only one hour this week or it featured the triumphant return of Trudy Campbell, but this episode was much more entertaining. Can we please, instead of continue to pop into the life of Fat Betty, just use all that screen time to see what Trudy is up to? Actually I wish the show would feature more Trudy and less Pete.
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

The Voice: As I have stated multiple times, Blake is clearly the best coach on the show and I have agree with him more than any other judge when it comes to picking Battles and other decisions, but letting go of Caroline Glaser was a colossal mistake on his part. I actually do like Danielle Bradbery and glad she advanced (she was number 9 on my Blind Auditions Power Rankings) but there is just something special (or dare I say diaphanous) about Caroline’s voice where you just cannot dump her this soon in the competition. Thankfully Adam (and Usher) wisely went for the Steal. Hopefully she will turn into this year’s Amanda Brown for Adam.

What exactly is Blake doing this season? I remember last season he flat out said that he only want to take one country artist to the Live Shows (and did the same the previous two seasons) yet this season he placed a non-country artist with a country one and each time, the more country artist advanced, and considering Savannah Berry, his best country artist is yet to come he will at least have five country singers going to the Knockout Round (montage contestant Justin Rivers could make it a clean sweep). Maybe after two straight wins, he is going country or going bust this season. Too bad he did not tell Caroline and his other non-country contestants his plan when he was fighting for them in the Blind Auditions. So do not get comfortable Taylor Beckham and whoever he steals next, you probably will not be spending too much time on Team Blake.

Really the only other thing that stuck out to me this week is how dramatic the makeovers were. At her Blind Audition, Caroline was dressed like my grandmother but transformed into some hippie chic model (note to Caroline: wear your glasses more often, and by more often I mean always). But the most dramatic change was Amber Carrington who looked like she was dressed for a PTA meeting at her audition but looked significantly better when they put her hair up and a more fitting dress on her. And she won, and rightfully so. Sasha Allen just over sang the song and her flaws were very apparent while singing with Amber.


You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download songs from The Voice with the widget at right.

How I Met Your Mother: How disappointing that we did not get to see the wedding planner’s “redonkulous” body. But there again, there is always the internet where you can do an image search of Mircea Monroe. Ted was complete right.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download How I Met Your Mother on iTunes.

Dallas: The writers deserve a pass considering the conditions they were under while writing this season, but that was a really odd plot twist at the end. Essentially J.R. committed suicide just to frame Cliff Barnes for that murder. And it was a little weird that no one seemed to care that his henchmen killed him. You would think they would be a little mad that he let think J.R. was murdered and not tell them that J.R. was dying so they could at least say goodbye. But anyway. Now with Cliff and Rylan in jail (I do have a feeling the latter will be getting out by the second episode next season) apparently the big bad next season will be Elena. Alrighty. So all this time she grew up with some dude who would end up running a drug cartel?
You can download Dallas on iTunes.

Castle: My favorite part of the episode is they put handcuffs on Bigfoot without bothering to take off his costume. If Beckett was so skeptical about the existence of Bigfoot, then why did she have oversized handcuffs on her?
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes.

Survivor: Caramoan: All shows are guilty of hyperbole when it comes to promos, but Survivor may be the worst of them all. Finally the show lived up to the hype with “one of the craziest Tribal Councils EVER” (not so much with Dawn losing her mind over a lost retainer) with Malcolm pulling out his two Idols, then telling the dominate alliance that they have to turn on themselves. And who would have guessed that Erik, the Dumbest Survivor Contestant Ever, would be smart enough to point out it would wise to not play the Idol because no one would be stupid enough to vote for someone who says they are going to play it (keep in mind this season was filmed before Malcolm successfully pulled that same bluff last season). So even though Special Agent Sheppard ended up going home, it still was an entertaining Tribal.

That was until I went to sleep that night and thought about the episode and the history of Survivor. I racked my brains and could not think of a time when the producers of the show put a second Hidden Immunity back into the game post merge. Come to think of it, I could not remember a season when they put any more Hidden Immunity Idols back in play after they were used after the merge. So the episode started out with the Stealth R Us alliance having the numbers to easily vote out a member of the Douchebag even with a Hidden Immunity Idol because they had enough people to split the votes. Then during the episode, there is an Immunity Challenge that clearly favors athletic guys that Douchebag #1 wins fairly easily with Douchebag #3 in a close second (Douchebag #2 stupidly got eliminated) and then Douchebag #3 just happens to find a Hidden Immunity Idol even though none have been put back into the game after the merge before making them bullet proof at Tribal? That just does not pass the sniff test. I call shenanigans. That does not pass the sniff test
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Philippines on iTunes.

Subugatory: I have been down on this season because they focused too much time on the adults, put Tessa in a boring relationship with a jock, and neutered Dalia. The last hour seemed like a reboot back to what I loved about the first season, even with an action film quality fight inn the halls of a high school. And I am not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed that I easily recognized the song on Lisa’s cat mix as It Must Have Been Love by Roxette. But that makes me wonder if you have to pay a licensing fee for a song if you recreate it with cat sounds? On a side note, if the show gets renewed, they need to figure out how to get Tessa to dance more next season.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Suburgatory on iTunes.

The Americans: I was reading a couple weeks ago how someone complained about this show saying that the show could go nowhere because we know how it ends (the Jennings will be on the losing side) which means the show will lose most of its tension. And though I doubt the Russians will end up winning the Cold War on the show, it is clear we are living in an alternative timeline where anything can happen, live a scientist and multiple FBI agents can be blown up (image if that happened today) or a Russian General being killed in the Mother Land. But the most fascinating part of this episode was that Elizabeth had some good old fashion American fun for the very first time.
You can download The Americans on iTunes.

Community: After a very long single shot opening, I thought they would not have a cut in the entire episode (sans the commercial breaks of course) and would have been much more interesting if they did. And goodness was Evil Annie extremely attractive. And despite airing the Christmas episode almost a month after Easter, the delay did have a timely Hannibal Lecter reference that now airs the same night.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

Hannibal: After the premiere, I was trolling the message board and came upon an interesting theory that Dr. Lecter was feeding human meat to Will in that dinner he prepared for him. I bring this up because this week Abigail asked, “He was feeding them (the girls her father killed) to us” to witch Dr. Lecter responded, “Very likely.” That pretty much confirms to me that he was feeding human remains to Will, and basically everyone he cooks a meal for.

Another basically confirmed mystery this episode is the Hannibal is the copycat killer. It certainly was not a coincidence that he heard Will’s lecture on how the copycat would never kill like that again, and as soon as the team returned Minnesota, another girl was hung up by antlers in a place Hannibal knew everyone would be the next day.

It is also surprising how great a character Abigail is (okay it should not be that surprising considering Bryan Fuller is involved and the guy knows how to make you feel something about bit characters). Who would of guess a teen girl could go toe to toe with Hannibal Lecter but I do hope they find ways to work her into the rest of the season. Those if she remains a key figure in the show, I have a feeling she will be dead or in jail by the end of the season.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.

Best of the Week: 4/20/13

Quote of the Week: Ms. Lounds, it’s not very smart to piss off a guy who thinks about killing people for a living. (Will Graham, Hannibal)

Song of the Week: Rough Boys - Pete Townsend (The Americans)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: MTV Movie Awards: You are officially old when you opt for watching Mad Men instead of an MTV awards show. But being a completist (I have seen them all) I ended up watch the awards later. As I write this a week later, I actually cannot remember anything that happened. Either it was really uneventful or I really am getting old.

Preview Picture of the Week:

Vikings "Sacrifice" Sunday at 10:00 on History

Free Download of the Week: Wildest Moments – Jessica Ware (iTunes)

Deal of the Week: 100 Albums foe $5 April’s $5 albums include The Black Keys, The Avett Brothers, Jason Mraz, and Death Cab for Cutie.


New Album Release of the Week: Bankrupt - Phoenix

New DVD Release of the Week: Gangster Squad

Video of the Week: I have no desire ever to go to a music festival, hanging out in a sea of people on a campground for a weekend in extreme heat sounds like the worst thing ever. But had you told me that R. Kelly would join Phoenix during their set at Cochella last week to perform a mash up of Ignition (Remix) and 1901, I definitely would had spent all my money to fly out to the California desert to see that happen. Thankfully the performance got uploaded to YouTube so I can enjoy it alone in the comfort of my climate controlled study.


Next Week Pick of the Week: NFL Draft, Thursday at 8:00; Friday at 6:30 and Saturday at Noon, ESPN: It is the greatest time of the year again for us Browns fans. In a time of unparalleled parity, we have only been to the playoffs once in twenty year. And now we are in year one of yet another new regime (with another that may come soon considering our new owner just got raided by the FBI and IRS earlier this week and a legal analyst Lester Munson said: “I think that's in the realm of possibility” when asked if new owner Jimmy Halsem could lose the team in the near future) so really all we have is the draft which is filled with home, dreams and optimism… right up until the point where were trade up just to draft a thirty year old quarterback who turned out to be worse than the younger one we already had. I am really beginning to believe Bill Simmons is right when he says God hates Cleveland.

Around the Tubes: 4/19/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on Spoiled Rotten Pets, An Apology to Elephants, Out There, Lovestruck, Superhumanoids, The Impossible, Helix, Arthur, Saint George, Deal with It, TruTV Upfronts, BottleRock Napa Valley festival, Revolver Golden Gods Award Show, and The Fosters.

- New Show Alert! Spoiled Rotten Pets certainly lives up to its name when Beth Stern (as in Howard’s wife, and if you forget she will remind you once an episode) travels the country to see just how far owners will go to pamper their pets. There will be pigs, ferrets, ducks, and even a Bark Mitzvah. Yes, it is exactly what you expect. This is not a fluff show, Beth does call the owners out on their eccentricities, but you cannot help but wonder how much better Howard would be confronting them. Spoiled Rotten Pets premieres tomorrow at 9:00 on Nat Geo Wild with back to back episodes.

- Monday is Earth Day and HBO will be celebrating by premiering An Apology to Elephants at 7:00. Narrated and executive produced by Oscar nominated actress Lily Tomlin and directed and produced by Emmy winner Amy Schatz, the documentary illustrates how elephants live in the wild – from their matriarchal structure to their truly impressive memories – and examines the problems and issues that arise when they are brought to live in captivity in zoos and circuses.

- Tonight is the season finale of Out There and if you missed any episode, IFC will be airing a marathon of every episode starting at 5:30 leading up to the 10:00 finale.

- Sunday, ABC Family will be airing their latest original movie Lovestruck and you can watch the trailer to the musical below:


- In need of some catchy feel good pop? Give a listen to Superhumanoids, who give me a mellower The Naked and Famous vibe. Listen to So Strange below via Soundcloud and look out for their debut album Exhibitionists on June 11.



- New on DVD and Blu Ray this week include The Impossible starring Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor.


- As I mentioned when talking about Syfy’s Upfronts last week, Helix from the dude behind the Battlestar Galactica reboot is hitting the channel this season and now you can watch this first look of the show:



- This May, Arthur is helping kids tackle another tough subject with the premiere of two new episodes about bullying. Parents are invited to visit the Arthur website for resources and though starters on how to talk to their kids about bullying, and to tune-in to the episode premieres on May 6 and 10 on PBS KIDS (check local listings).

- Now that it has been split into three networks, FX is bolstering its comedy block by signing Saint George to a 10/90 deal (if the first ten episode do well it will get 100 overall). In the sitcom, George Lopez will portray a man who struggles to balance his demanding ex-wife, his 11-year-old son, his overbearing mother who just moved in, and his uncle, as well as his new role as a philanthropist “giving back” by teaching history once a week at a night school.

- A day after it premiered Who Gets the Last Laugh?, TBS announced it was going continue in the hidden camera direction by greenlighting Deal with It. The show will pick unsuspecting members of the public who will be secretly dared to pull a prank on their unwitting companions with absolutely no time to prepare. If they agree to participate, they must obey all instructions given through an earpiece from a secret control room nearby. Deal with It will be hosted by Theo Von, or as I call him, Theo from Road Rules.

- TruTV is the latest network to have its Upfronts when it announced its intention to shift half its lineup to comedic reality to target its growing “Funseeker” audience. New shows that fit this mold will include including Panic Button, in which contestants must brave a haunted house without pushing a button that will allow them to escape; Big Sam's Kentucky Auction (working title), a look at the unpredictable world of a Southern auction house; and Cash Dome Pawn, a new entry in truTV's growing franchise of pawnshop series.

- eBay, the world’s largest online marketplace and a leading platform for charitable giving, is teaming up with the first ever BottleRock Napa Valley festival to create one-of-a-kind VIP experiences involving the festival’s musical artists and partners. The packages, including VIP passes, meet & greets, backstage access, original signed memorabilia and more will be auctioned through eBay’s Celebrity platform with 100 percent of the proceeds going to support various charitable organizations. For more about the auction series go to: ebay.com/bottlerock.

- The fifth annual Revolver Golden Gods Award Show presented by Epiphone has gotten even bigger with the announcement of a special performance by Danzig, including a special Misfits set with Doyle, along with appearances by some of the biggest names in hard rock and heavy metal. Taking place Thursday, May 2 at Club Nokia in Downtown Los Angeles, the sold-out event will be broadcast live on national television for the first time through AXS TV and broadcast in the United States and key international markets through Xbox LIVE and Revolver’s Facebook page. The highly anticipated performance joins previously announced live sets by Metallica, Five Finger Death Punch, Anthrax, Stone Sour, The Dillinger Escape Plan and Halestorm.

- We are still a month and a half away from the series premiere of The Fosters and before then you can gaze at the Key Art below:

Previewing Chasing Ice

We have probably reached the point in the climate change debate where no one is changing their mind on the subject, you either believe it is happening or you are a simpleton who cannot be bothered to turn on the Weather Channel or even look out your own window to actually see it for themselves as we are currently living in a time of record hurricanes, tornadoes, flood, droughts, even the Earth has started opening up and swallowing people more often.

So it is doubtful that anyone’s mind is going to be changed by Chasing Ice, the award winning documentary that is airing tomorrow at 8:00 on the National Geographic Channel (ironically almost all the footage from the climate change deniers montage comes from Fox News as both channels are owned by News Corp). Though anyone who sees the time lapse of glaciers receding at almost a mile per year, it is disturbing to think that there are people out there that would think it is a hoax.

Chasing Ice comes from acclaimed environmental photographer James Balog and his Extreme Ice Survey who set up time-lapse equipment in Greenland, Alaska, and Montana in sub-zero conditions where the technology had been untested before for over three years. There is even a subplot that threatens the whole project when Balog has to undergo his third knee replacement surgery as all the walking up and down mountains has done serious damage to his body. But silly debates, aside, Chasing Ice is a visual wonder with plenty of breathtaking pictures and video of the frozen north.

Chasing Ice premieres Friday at 8:00 on the National Geographic Channel.

Previewing Locked Up Abroad 8.x

John McCain on Locked Up Abroad seems so obvious it is a bit surprising that he has not appeared on the show before as the Senator may be the most famous person ever to be “locked up abroad.” Maybe it is because most people know the stories of the Navy bomber pilot who was shot down over Hanoi and spent five years in the infamous Hanoi Hilton where he was tortured for most of his stay. We have all seen the photos of his bloody body being dragged around by the Vietcong and him hobbling off the plane after his release.

Though in solitary confinement for most of his stay, McCain was not alone, communicating in code with neighbors in the next room, one of which was Ernie Brace (the two do not meet face to face until years later) who was the longest prisoner of war in Vietnam being held behind enemy lines two months short of eight years. Ernie actually spent the first half of his time in a small bamboo jail which only became more confining after each failed escape attempt before being moved to the Hanoi Hilton three and a half years after originally being captured. His story is so harrowing you will not even notice that half the episode goes by before the more famous McCain shows up.

There is a second episode tonight which you will want to stick around for if only because the episode is entitled Snake on a Plane. It is the story of Tom Crutchfield, the self proclaimed “Mick Jagger of the reptile industry” who would successfully smuggle crocodiles, tarantulas, king cobras, and yes, snakes around the world who escapes to Belize to avoid prosecution, but ends up being imprisoned there with no electricity, plumbing, toilets or running water in his cell. The show gets back to drug related roots next week when an English stockbroker moves to America to be an ecstasy dealer in Arizona only to be thrown into one of America’s deadliest jails where he witnesses firsthand skinheads murdering someone.

Locked Up Abroad airs Wednesdays at 9:00 on the National Geographic Channel. You can watch select episodes on Hulu. You can also download Locked Up Abroad on iTunes.

Previewing Who Gets the Last Laugh?

For anyone who watched MTV Punk'd and thought to themselves, this would be much better as a game show, you are in luck because that is the basic premise of Who Gets the Last Laugh? and wouldn’t you know it, the show comes from Punk’d co-creators Jason Goldberg and Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher is absent on screen, instead Who Gets the Last Laugh? Is hosted by Donald Faison (Clueless) and three comics complete to produce the best pranks on regular citizens with a studio audience picking a winner who gets to donate $10,000 to a charity of their choice. Sorry losers, your charities do not even get mentioned.

Tonight The Big Bang Theory’s Kunal Nayyer, who surprisingly does have an accent in real life (or TBS made him use it not disorient their viewers who watch the ten hours of The Big Bang Theory programming the network airs in a week), Bill Bellamy, who reminisces over Rock and Jock Basketball with the host (which begs the question, is it not time for a Rock and Jock reboot? Certainly Dan Cortese is not busy) and Jeff Dye. Each comedian controls the action off sit much like Kutcher did but it may be the people actually pulling the pranks to keep an eye on. Remember Punk’d launched the careers of Dax Sheppard, Bill Hader, Whitney Cummings, B.J. Novak, Kaitlin Olson, and Jill Wagner.

Coming up this season Actor/comedian D.L. Hughley gets a new car at the car wash. Danny Masterson, star of TBS's Men at Work, exposes a cheating wife. And Saturday Night Live’s Cheri Oteri has everyone screaming about ice cream. MADtv's Aries Spears puts a locksmith in lockdown (which is personal favorite set up of the first couple episodes). Comedian Natasha Leggero gives gas station customers an unwanted friend. And Andy Dick gives a bride's hairdresser the blues. Comedian Charlie Murphy is a limo driver's worst nightmare. Owen Benjamin, co-star of TBS's Sullivan & Son, arranges an unusual family dinner. And The Middle’s Chris Kattan creates a security breach. And Saturday Night Live’s Finesse Mitchell does a bang-up job at the car wash. Comedian Luenell tests the loyalty of office temps. And Growing Pains' Alan Thicke (Mr. Seaver!) turns a club VIP list into Purgatory. Also competing this season will be Tome Green, Bam Margera, and Nicole Sullivan.

Who Gets the Last Laugh? Airs Tuesdays at 10:00 on TBS.

Lyrics Quiz: Inner City Blues

Today is Tax Day, lucky enough for 47% of the population, all you have to do is fill out your tax forms and get any money you paid last year back (to be fair, there are plenty of corporations like GE that do not end up paying any taxes either). Of course even if you do not end up any taxes, you still have plenty to worry about as laid out by Marvin Gaye from Inner City Blues (“Natural fact is, honey that I cannot pay my taxes”). So I put the song through iTunes Genius function and here are the songs that came up. As always leave your guesses, both artist and song title, in the comment section (or e-mail me). If you are correct I will un-bold the lyric and give you credit. Please keep in mind the lyrics quiz is for entertainment purposes only so please only use your own meandering mind to guess them.

1. Every day there's something new, honey, to keep me loving you. And with every passing minute. Ah baby, so much joy wrapped up in it. Heaven must have sent you from above.
2. Wait a minute something's going wrong. Someone’s on the phone, three o’clock in the morning. Talking about, how she can make it right.
3. A boy is born in Hard Time, Mississippi. Surrounded by four walls that ain’t so pretty. His parents give him love and affection to keep him strong, moving in the right direction.
4. My brother sat me right down and he talked to me. He told me that I ought to not let you walk on me. And I am sure he meant well.
5. Evolution, revolution, gun control, sound of soul. Shooting rockets to the moon, kids growing up too soon. Politicians say more taxes will solve everything. And the band played on.
6. Oh she may be weary, young girls they do get weary wearing that same shaggy dress.
7. I get down with my girlfriend, that ain’t right. Hollaring, cusing, you wanna fight?
8. Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man?
9. Born a man-child of the sun, yeah. Yeah, saw my work had just begun. Yeah, Found I had to stand alone, yeah. Well bless it now I've got my own, oh yeah.
10. Don’t let my glad expression give you the wrong impression, baby I’m sad. I’m sadder than sad. You’re gone and I’m hurting so bad.
11. It’s been too hard living but I’m afraid to die. I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky.
12. There is a long man that doesn’t like the short man for being such a rich one that will not help the poor one.
13. Hey girl, what's your fantasy? I’ll take you there to that ecstasy. Ooh girl, you blow my mind, I’ll always be your freak.
14. Don’t get so excited when I come home a little late at night. 'Cause we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight.
15. Now if you feel that you can’t go on because all of your hope is gone and your life is filled with much confusion until happiness is just an illusion.
16. A woman will sell her precious body for a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight. Call it lean, mean, mean green.
17. Why do you use me try to confuse me? How can you stand to be so cruel? Why don’t you free me from this prison where I serve my time as your fool.
18. It could all be so simple but you’d rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scares.
19. Girl Don’t you ever be sad, lean on me when times gets bad. When the day come and I know you are down in a river of trouble, you about to drown.
20. My sister killer her baby because she couldn’t afford to keep it yet we’re sending people to the moon. September my cousin tried reefer for the first time, now he doing horse: it’s June.
21. Something told me it was over when I saw you and her talking. Something deep down in my soul said, “Cry girl,” when I saw you and that girl walking out.
22. She gives me money when I’m in need. Yes she’s a kind doll, friend in deed. (I Got a Woman - Ray Charles; guessed by Kevin)
23. Don’t need no fortune or fame. I just want you close to me. No time for castles in space. Or living in make believe. I’d trade it all for just a rainy day.
24. I got what I got the hard way. Got to make it better every day. Oh honey I say don’t you fret. Cause you ain’t seen nothing yet. (Soul Man - Sam and Dave; guessed by Kevin)
25. I’m filled with desire, could it be the devil inside me? Or is this the way love’s supposed to be?

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 4/14/13

Shameless: So it looks like Steve may really be sleeping with the fishes. Granted it is hard to believe he really is dead without actually seeing a body. And then Fiona wastes the money for her on plastic cups. Alrighty. I wonder just what her and Kev plan on doing with them.

Mad Men: Wow that was a boring two hours. In lieu of discussing what happened because I may fall asleep at my keyboard, I will instead just post a power ranking of facial hair at Sterling Cooper Draper Price:
1. Harry Crane
2. Ginsburg
3. Don Draper
4. Bert Cooper
5. Stan Rizzo
6. Roger Sterling
7. Ken Cosgrove
8. The Annoying New Guy
9. Betty Draper
10. Pete Campbell
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

House of Lies: I did not see the team fracture like that. I guess it should not be too surprising that Clyde would jump ship even though he almost showed a conscience earlier this season, but for Doug to not follow his mentor was shocking.

The Voice: I pretty much summed up my thoughts on the week, and the entire Blind Audition in the Power Rankings, but I got to thinking that since then like bringing back people to audition again, maybe they should put even those who do not get picked on iTunes and whoever sells the most downloads will get an automatic invitation to the auditions next season. I have a feeling Jane Smith would have charted higher than a vast majority of the people that did make a team (which may be why the show currently does not do this. But anyway. Here my favorite performance of the week (and second of the season): Caroline Glaser.


You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.

Dallas: I have made light of I’m sorry your parent dies sex, even on this show, but I’m sorry your father was responsible for killing your unborn children sex is much more disturbing.
You can download Dallas on iTunes.

Survivor: Caramoan: Another nerve racking episode. How dare the brolliance target Andrea? Serves them right to waste an Immunity Idol. Really dumb move by Douchebag #1 to give his to Malcolm. Not dumb enough to be an automatic inclusion whenever I update my list of The Dumbest Survivor Constants Ever list, but he will definitely be in consideration. C’mon Douchebag #, who cares if they did vote out Malcolm, Now you are still in the minority without a safely net and have to win every Immunity Challenge to make to the finals without fail (or hope they target Malcolm and Eddie first, then go on a winning streak).

I am surprised that everyone keeps trying to turn Dawn thinking she is on the bottom. For most of the game, I have assumed the top of that alliance was Cochran, Dawn, Andrea, and Philip. But two weeks in a row, they approached her, and two weeks, she used that to help her alliance take out the right person. And even though Douchebag #1 made a boneheaded decision, Douchebag #2 just got played by Andrea fiddle. Between this is his inability to realize his four person hot alliance was less than the six ugly people alliance, he is eligible for the Dumb list too. Serious, what happens if he does not tip Andrea’s name? Do they really vote for Malcolm who uses Douchebag #1’s Idol and Andrea?

And what was Philip doing tipping his hand? Sure Boston Rob got rid of anyone who he thought may turn on him, but he never let them know until he wrote their name down on the parchment. Unless Philip did that to make the brolliance think they were voting for Malcolm to make Michael and easy vote, but I am not sure he is that devious. Now Malcolm knows Philip is gunning for him and Philip knows Malcolm knows. Now the question is do the Favorite feel comfortable now the Idol has been flushed and put all their votes Malcolm next week or the still split just in case? Cochran is an overthinker so he has to know there is another Idol that can be in play and Andrea is clearly paranoid after last episode. Oh yeah, and Dan may be going crazy next week. But even if she pulls herself out of the game, the Favorite can split the votes three ways for a tie to flush out the Idol and vote out the other guy in a revote.
You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Philippines on iTunes.

The Americans: Two shocking deaths in two weeks. This week may have been more shocking because I thought they would use Gregory to continue the wedge between Elizabeth and Philip. Almost as shocking was Elizabeth going soft by actually letting Gregory walk out the door alive. I was a bit disappointed that Gregory somehow managed to survive the shootout at least for a little bit, long enough for Stan to ask him a question or two in the hospital.
You can download The Americans on iTunes.

Community: Zombie-Community does a musical puppet show. Alrighty.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

Hannibal: Holy Wonderfalls reference! Too bad Gretchen did not run into her old high school friend Jaye. Or least her Doppelganger. I am just going to assume that Jaye has spent the last decade in a mental institution and will not be released until a Kickstarter movie gets made.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Hannibal on iTunes.