I'm Afraid Your Both Being Let Go

Subtle comedies like Swingers and Garden State have more appeal to me these days compared to the over the top, “Dude, you just drank someone’s man juice” type of comedies. So on the surface, In Good Company looks right up my alley. The movie stars Dennis Quaid as a guy who just found out that his wife was pregnant and he was demoted following corporate takeover all within 24 hours. His new boss, played by the dude from That 70’s Show not currently married to Demi Moore, is young enough to be his kid and not necessarily qualified for the job. Then his new boss promptly hooks up his daughter completely on the down low.

Here inlays the problem with the movie, it doesn’t know if it wants to be a family drama, a romantic comedy or a social commentary on today’s corporate world. Each upon itself would make a good movie are even a combination of two would be find, but having all three storylines weighs down the movie bringing to a running time to a very long running time of two hours which is too much for this type of movie. And looking at the amount of deleted scenes, it could have gone even longer closing in on three hours. Needless to say, avoid any potential Director’s Cut that may be released in the future.

With that said, the acting almost makes up for the movie’s flaws. Dennis Quaid easily transitions himself from tough guy to family guy seamlessly while Topher Grace does a good job of walking the tightrope between being the hate-able boss and likeable boyfriend for most of the movie. Scarlett Johansson shines in the first part of the movie as the daughter/love interest, but like most everything in the movie, her character falls fall in the third act.

In Good Company gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I'm Coming Out of the Boooooth

Adam Sandler was the best reason to watch Saturday Night Live for me in the post-Dana Carvey era. The best was whenever he’d show up at the Weekend Update desk to sing his silly little songs. Then I was introduced to his first comedy album, ironically at church camp. Aw, good old church camp where we would listen to Sandler albums, make out with chicks and get into fights. Then there was the sect that would wonder off for a smoke break. I think church camp was more immoral than regular camp. But anyways. Sandler’s They’re All Gonna Laugh at You! had us on the floor all weekend and is still good for a laugh today. And as we start November and head to Thanksgiving, the album makes a great addition to the Scooter Hall of Fame with my daily spin of the Thanksgiving Song.

The album starts off modest enough with Assistant Principal’s Big Day as the namesake in the title making some new rules as regulating smoking. Of course this takes a turn for the worse as me matter of factly orders the girls shower into his office which then disturbingly includes the men’s gymnastics team. And the album rarely slows down from there and really earns his Parental Advisory sticker as if any good parent would let his or her child listen to this.

Next we are introduced to the Buffoon who shows up multiple times throughout the album as he makes outrageous statements like telling his Dean of Admissions, played by Conan O’Brien, “I bet you got really hairy (expletive deleted),” only for the person he’s talking to, such as the Valedictorian, respond to the Buffoon in almost scientifically. The best of the Buffoon’s statement was when he told his girlfriend, “My dog has a four inch (expletive deleted).”

Another theme on the album is the severe beating of various high school employees such as the janitor, bus driver, science teacher, and Spanish teacher. These all got multiple spins when I was in high school in particular the Spanish teacher because, even though I too French, it was nice to see a foreign language teacher be taking down and try to get out of her beating by saying things such as “Me casa, su casa.” And to this day, I still sing “Mop, mop, mop, all day long…” whenever I clean stuff.

There are a couple of missteps on the album as I find nothing funny in a dude taking a monster piss and the mother repeating the album title repeatedly during Oh Mom… get tired quickly. And hearing the dial tone go on forever during Mr. Spindel’s Phone Call gets annoying. But none of these skits drag down the album too much.

The best parts of the album are the songs. There was the previously mentioned Thanksgiving Song was originally conceived for SNL. There’s also Lunchlady Land that was brought to life hysterically by Chris Farley. But the best of the best would have to be At a Medium Pace that starts out as a cheesy Michael Bolton type love song with lyrics like “Put your arms around me baby, can’t you see I need you so.” But that quickly changes as he order’s his lover to “Spit on your hand and stroke my (expletive deleted) at a medium pace. This build up to a crescendo until he again requests “Now pull up my (expletive deleted) and take the shampoo bottle out of my (expletive deleted).” If you ever want some extra hilarity, perform the song yourself as if you were reading from a Shakespearian play.

To this day, the album is still very quote worthy as I still say “You suck” like it was performed in The Cheerleader and still look for appropriate times to say “I’m coming out of the booooooth.” And whenever I play with drunken idiots I always pull out, “Look at my hand, it’s moving, but it’s not moving.” Sandler also brought in an all-star voice talent to help him out. Aside from O’Brien, there are other SNL alums such as Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows, and Robert Smigel. And with the other holidays coming up, make sure you also pick up The Chanukah Song and The Chanukah Song, part 2.

The Best of the Beastie Boys

Last week during my Fall Music Preview I mentioned that the Beastie Boys were coming out with a single disk Solid Gold Hits, not to be confused with their double disk Sounds of Science anthology that was released before their most recent record. But since I own all the studio albums by them I decide to make my own Best of the Beastie Boys CD which happens to have eight more songs than the new Greatest Hits package that will be released next week and mine clocks in at 76:33.

1. Fight for Your Right – Licensed to Ill (1986)
2. No Sleep Till Brooklyn – Licensed to Ill (1986)
3. Paul Revere – Licensed to Ill (1986)
4. Girls – Licensed to Ill (1986)
5. Hey Ladies – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
6. Shake Your Rump – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
7. Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
8. Gratitude – Check Your Head (1992)
9. Pass the Mic – Check Your Head (1992)
10. So What’cha Want – Check Your Head (1992)
11. Sabotage – Ill Communication (1994)
12. Sure Shot – Ill Communication (1994)
13. Root Down – Ill Communication (1994)
14. Get it Together (with Q-Tip) – Ill Communication (1994)
15. Intergalactic – Hello Nasty (1998)
16. Super Disco Breakin’ – Hello Nasty (1998)
17. Body Movin’ (Fatboy Slim Remix) – Sounds of Science (1999)
18. Three MC’s and One DJ – Hello Nasty (1998)
19. Ch-Check it Out – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
20. Triple Trouble – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
21. Right Right Now Now – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
22. Time to Build – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
23. An Open Letter to NYC – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)

I've Got a Whole Theme Park full of Red Delights for You

Just in time for Halloween, I picked up a DVD in hope of a good scare. Constantine is yet another movie based on a comic book that even most comic book nerd hadn’t heard of. So they take the story of John Constantine on the pursuit of riding the world of demons because of something long ago that bars him from the gates of heaven. It’s extra important to get in now because a large chunk of the residents of hell were put their by him.

In the role of the title character is Keanu Reeves who will forever conjure up the thoughts of Theodore Logan no matter how serious the role. Needless to say, the slacker surfer persona doesn’t mesh well with the demon hunter. On his quest in the movie, Constantine crosses path with the chick from The Mummy movies as a detective trying to prove that her twin didn’t commit suicide. And because ever good comic book character need a sidekick and Constantine has a cab driving apprentice played by the dude from one of the Disney Channel shows that I won’t admit to watching.

One of the few entertaining elements of the movie is the unintentional comedy most notable being every moment where Reeves tries to act, and be sure to watch out for Constantine’s rubber ducky. Equally questionable casting choice was the dude from Bush showing up as the bad guy. It was extremely hard to be scared of him because whenever he comes on the screen I fell off the couch laughing.

The only redeemable aspect of the movie was the scenes of hell. They really captured what I assume hell to be, a very hot version of Earth with weird demon ready to rip the flesh. The only part missing from my version of hell would be the members of the Backstreet Boys raping me for eternity while singing their songs. In fact all the special effects were all well done. Now if they can figure out to make a CGI Keanu Reeves and the movie might have been a lot better.

The biggest crime of the movie is that they cut out what could have made the movie. If you role through threw the delete scenes you find out about Constantine’s tryst with a very hot half-demon who was cut out of various scenes in the movie. If I were to ever make rules of making a good move, number one would be “Never leave out the token hot chick.” Because of that, this movie deserves to fail.

Constantine gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We on Award Tour - Big in 2005 Nominations

It seems like every year, the end in review gets put out earlier and earlier until eventually they will be releasing year in reviews in July just so the publications can get a jump on the others. There is already “Stars of 2005” from one of those lame celebrity mags that populate the supermarket checkout line. And now VH1 has released it’s nominations for it’s year’s end award show that usually airs the first week in December. Well it’s not like anything happens in December anyways, well asides from a virgin birth and Pearl Harbor. But anyways. Here are this year’s nominees for the Big in 2005 Awards (you can vote for your favorites over at the VH1 website):

Big Entertainer
Tom Cruise
Teri Hatcher
Kanye West
Lance Armstrong

Who I Voted For: Kanye West
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon

Kanye released the best record this year, showed up at the big events, and even mocked the leader of the free world. Cruise just mocked a has-been actress. Hatcher is on a show that is on a big downturn and Armstrong rides a bike, hardly entertaining. But no one has entertained me than the talking heads on Pardon the Interruption.


Big Music Artist
Mariah Carey
Green Day
Kelly Clarkson

Who I Voted For: Kelly Clarkson
Who Will Win: Green Day
Who Should Have Been Nominated: The Killers

Clarkson was my guilty pleasure of the year, but where are The Killers or Kanye West on the list.


Big Download
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stafani
Mr. Brightside – The Killer
Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day
Don’t Phunk with my Heart – Black Eyed Peas
Don’t Stop Believin' - Journey

Who I Voted For: Mr. Brightside
Who Will Win: Hollaback Girl
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Boulevard of Broken Songs – Green Day vs. Oasis

I only downloaded two songs on this list with the Green Day song being the other, but my favorite song I downloaded this year was the mash up of the Green Day song with Oasis’ Wonderwall.


Big Breakthrough
Jessica Alba
Steve Carell
Jeremy Piven
Penguins

Who I Voted For: Jeremy Piven
Who Will Win: Jessica Alba
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Rachel McAdams

I haven’t watched Entourage, but I’ve been a fan of Piven since his PCU days. I could have sworn Alba had a breakthrough a couple years ago; she was a lead in a television show. But McAdams came out of nowhere, and by nowhere I mean Canada, to become a bankable lead actress.


Big Reality Star
Dog
Tommy Lee
Bo Bice
Danny Bonaduce
Kelly Monaco & John O’Hurley

Who I Voted For: Tommy Lee
Who Will Win: Kelly Monaco & John O’Hurley
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Tonya from Kill Reality/MTV

I have to admit I watched none of the shows nominated but have to go to my old standbys and ask where are Tonya and the dude from Project Greenlight?


Big Shocker
Michael Jackson is acquitted
Dave Chappelle goes to Africa
Jude Law nails his nanny
Tyra Banks boobs are real

Who I Voted For: Dave Chappelle
Who Will Win: Michael Jackson

This is a pretty lame category; really don’t have any opinions on it.


Big Feud
Tom Cruise vs. Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields
Paris Hilton vs. Nicole Ritchie
Lindsay Lohan vs. the Paparazzi
Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie

Who I Voted For: Lindsay Lohan vs. the Paparazzi
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise vs. Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields
Who Should Have Been Nominated: 50 Cent vs. Every other rapper

With 50’s verbal beat down of Morbidly Obese Joe being one of the few bright spots at the VMA’s and him beefing with Game, Nas, Jadakiss among other makes this a major oversight. But I guess that VH1 feared that they might actually show up and turn it into a Vibe Award type situation.


Big Quote
Whitney Houston “Hell to the no”
Laura Bush “I am a desperate housewife”
Jeremy Piven “Let’s hug it out, bitch”
Kanye West “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”
George Bush “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job”

Who I Voted For: Kanye West
Who Will Win: Kanye West
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Doogie Howser “Suit up”

There is a lot of Bush in this category, but after the Kanye quote, “Suit up” is the phrase that came out of my mouth this year.


Big Old School Triumph
Journey
INXS
The Fugees

Who I Voted For: The Fugees
Who Will Win: INXS
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Balkie on the Surreal Life

Another lame category because none really came back this year.


Big It Girl
Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton
Nicole Ritchie
Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach)

Who I Voted For: Kristin Cavallari
Who Will Win: Paris Hilton
Who Should Have Been Nominated: The Token Hot Chick from Lost

If Kelly Clarkson was my biggest musical guilty pleasure of the year, Laguna Beach is my biggest guilty pleasure on the TV. I know I shouldn’t watch but much like a car crash, I can’t turn around. What makes this category even more entertaining is it is rumor that many of the nominees have dated the same dudes.


Big Stylin’
Gwen Stefani
Jessica Simpson
Eva Longoria
Kevin Federline

Who I Voted For: Eva Longoria
Who Will Win: Gwen Stefani

Yawn, next.


Big Hookup
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Ben Afleck & Jennifer Garner
Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston

Who I Voted For: Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

And yet another boring category, which says a lot about 2005; worst year ever?

Sing Like You Think No One's Listening

One might think that after the amount of time I’ve spend on this blog decrying American Karaoke and its karaokers that I would avoid any cheap rip-off. And up until this point I have done my best to avoid any but that has changed with VH1’s next foray into embarrassing C-list celebrities, But Can They Sing? And really they only way I’m watching that show is if the answer is no. Looking at the contestant list, that’s a very good chance. And here are the “celebrities” that you probably haven’t heard of or you haven’t heard from them since the 80’s:

Kim Alexis – Apparently before my time but supposedly was a supermodel. She’s also married to NHL star Ron Duguay. Yeah, I don’t know who he is either.

Myrka Dellanos – She was Star of the Year for People En Espanol in 2004 but since I no hablo esoanol, I haven’t a clue who she is but I have a feeling she will be singing a lot of Shakira.

Antonio Sabato Jr. – Underwear model extraordinaire from the 90’s has been reduced to an even lower form of celebrity in recent years – soap star. But he’s the most entertain part of the commercial for the show when he says, “Can I sing? To be honest… no.”

Morgan Fairchild – People today will most likely recognize her as Chandler’s mom, but old people tell me she was really famous back in the day. Best part of her bio – “is a ballet fan and interested in anthropology and paleontology.”

Carmine Gotti Agnello – People rip Paris Hilton for being famous for doing nothing but how about being famous because your grandfather had a bunch of people killed. Plus I think Carmine spends more time grooming himself than Paris.

Bai Ling – She has basically appeared in a bunch of movies that I have never seen including Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Taxi 3 (I guess I missed Taxi 2 also).

Michael Copen – I thought VH1 was scraping the bottom of the celebrity barrel with Caprice but Copen’s claim to fame was as the blue Power Ranger. Everyone knows that the pink one was the star.

Joe Pantoliano – Seriously, Joey Pant. One can hope either him or Gotti misses a show only to found in the Hudson with cement shoes.

Larry Holmes – And here is why I will be watching the show. And I’m sure it will be much more entertain that Evander Holyfield on Dancing with the Stars.

And all of this will be hosted by Ahmet Zappa. I don’t think this can go wrong. If you can’t wait for Sunday at 10:00, check out Vh1’s V-Cast where you can catch a sneak preview of Gotti butchering an already bad Ride wit’ Me or Bai Ling channeling Madonna with a thick Chinese accent for Like a Virgin. I believe the winner will receive a cash prize for their favorite charity, and in the case of Gotti, that might just be the Carmine Gotti Agnello Fund.

Who I Will Vote For: Larry Holmes
Who I Think Will Win: Antonio Sabato Jr. (don’t underestimate the housewife voting block, ask the dude from Seinfeld).

Toss Up: Lost vs Veronica Mars week 4 1/2

Well, apparently the new evil TV Guide was wrong about a new Shannon-centric Lost last night. Have I mentioned I really, really hate the “new” TV Guide; worst idea since New Coke. But I'm hoping the mix up was that they realized that the new season has sucked massively, so they postponed the Shannon-centric episode a couple weeks to redo some things so it may actually be entertaining when it gets to air. Yet I have a feeling that the death will still be as boring as Boone’s.

Luckily without Lost I could tape Veronica Mars on the good VCR and watch the World Series and not worry about firing up the bad VCR. And there was something poetic, after the multiple shutouts against Houston this year; they would end the World Series without scoring a run in the last 18 innings. This is extra sad after all the free bags the White Sox pitching gave up over that span.

This week’s Veronica Mars itself wasn’t very entertaining this week aside from Wallace channeling The Temptations. I think this week ranked lowest in the series in the amount of pop culture references. Plus I’m really missing the Casablancas clan. It’s been two weeks now since we’ve heard from, or about, any of them. But there was plenty of plot progression. We got to find out most everything about Wallace’s dad. We know that there was an explosion on the bus before it went over the cliff. Most intriguing was we finally get to know the secret behind the new family in town, with pappa baseball star Cook pulling a Pete Rose. Yet I’m still wondering about the little spat he looked to have with good old Woody in the season opener. Plus his daughter played a great and elaborate prank on Veronica. Although I have to wonder if the physic came up with the Lilly part of if that was suggested by Jackie’s new friend Logan.

Next week, both show are in repeats but both will come back with a vengeance the week after with someone getting Lost forever (get it because Lost is the name of the show… oh never mind) and Joss Whedon in his first acting gig since the portraying dancing Numfar on Angel will be on Veronica Mars as a gas attendant.

The Fix Continues

For anyone who thought I was a crackpot for accusing the MLB for throwing the games in the White Sox favor, apparently I was right as commissioner Bud Selig even admitted his bias towards the Sox. Even though Houston played about 90% of their home games with their roof closed and had a much better record than with it open, Selig ordered the roof open citing that it would level the playing field. Of course that is code for giving the road team a better chance to win. This was a blatant move to help out the Sox. If Selig wanted a level playing field, why did he let game two be played in the cold in the rain? If fact to “level the playing field” why did they not order Chicago to put a dome over their stadium. If Selig truly want a level playing field, pull a NFL and made the series on a neutral site. And Minute Maid Park was a publicly funded stadium, who is Bud Selig to make that call? If I ran the stadium, right before the game started I would have shut the roof. As much as Selig wants the Sox to win, there is no way he would have made the Astros forfeit because of it or delay the game until the opened it and screw over their television partner in the progress. I hope the Astros organization take a stand and close the roof tonight, permission or not.

Having the roof open did come into play. Even in the most crucial situations, the crowd sounded almost as loud as when Albert Pujols hit his homerun. And on Sportscenter, someone mentioned that when the roof is open, there is a strong current flowing to right field which just happens to be the place both Sox homerun just barely got over the fence. If Crede flies out in the fifth, it’s a different ballgame. Of course if there wasn’t’ a magically shrinking strike zone that inning too (then grew against Ensburg the next inning, then shrunk once again) that might have changed thing too.

So it’s time to add yet another blemish to the Selig Era. This guy has screwed up so many times I’ve lost track. You know it’s never a good when the commissioner has to go on television minutes before a game and explain something which he’s had to do multiple times these playoffs. When was the last time you saw the commissioner for the NFL (whose name I know, I just don’t have any desire to look up to see how to spell it), David Stern (who made a funny comment saying he may make a cloths stiffen cutoff for people who make money just less that Marcus Camby, who made the outrageous request in the fist place), or Gary Bettman having to make statements during their playoffs? So if the Sox end up winning, it will be yet another thing during the Selig Era that will need an asterisk next to it.

As mad as I am about Selig’s unashamed bias, I am even madder at the Astros because they had a legit chance to end it in the bottom of the ninth. I don’t see why you don’t squeeze with your fasted runner at the plate and your second fastest on third. There is no way Taveras is popping up two bunts in one game.

Someone made a comment the other day questioning why exactly why MLB would throw the games for the Sox. A simple two point answer, the simpler being it would be a better story, as seen by last year, having a cursed team finally winning the World Series after almost a century of futility. The more logical reason would be why anyone would do something shady in the country – $. The MLB already has Fox’s money so it really doesn’t matter who’s in the fall classic not to mention viewership has been abysmal in recent years no matter who is playing, Yankees, Red Sox, the Angels in southern California. So it doesn’t really matter who’s in there, MLB will most likely be taking a pay cut in the next negotiations. And since the gate goes to the city, the only place for MLB to make money is on merchandise, which they get a major cut on. And with everyone and their mother (and grandmother, and cousins, etc) in Boston, and New England for that matter, last year picking up World Series memorabilia, they saw a potential of a repeat of that cash cow if the other “cursed” city, Chicago. If the Sox don’t blow it, everyone in Chicago, and that includes a big chuck of Cubs turncoats, will shell out a lot of money for championship money because it was the first in almost a century. Since the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels have all won in recent years, only the die-hards would buy more championship gear.

Not to mention as a Astros fan, I am well aware that many calls went the Astros way (Molina’s phantom tag, LaRussa & Edmonds having legitimate gripes about the strike zone or even getting thrown out in the first place, Selig not caring about a “level playing field”) bring in more money that way with a less rapid fan base buying up their first ever NL Championship gear. So I am well aware things have benefited my team too. Of couse I have no idea why anyone would want to throw a game for fan who beat up women like Craig Biggio’s wife. So Chicago fans beat up women, old dudes (see Tom Gamboa), what’s up next, you gonna beat up somebody’s kid at a game? What a classy town, you guys make Detroit look like alter boys. At least they attack grown men.

And if there is any reason for the MLB to let the Astros win one, there is no better one that if there is no game tomorrow, Fox will be showing the movie Maid in Manhattan and I can’t imagine anyone who could live with themselves for forcing more Jennifer Lopez on the world.

Record People Are Shady: Fall Preview Edition

Usually I reserve Tuesday for the biggest new album release for the week except all the “new” releases happen to be old. Headlining the new releases this week are greatest hits packages by Destiny’s Child, *NSync, and Angie Stone and live albums by Aerosmith and the re-release 2 CD set of George Harrison’s Concert for Bangladesh. Also in the old is new philosophy is a Christmas album by Faith Evans. No wonder why the record industry is failing, we are exactly two months away from Christmas and the biggest new album with actual new songs is by Fefe Dobson. That can’t be a good sign of what’s to come.

Next week continues the onslaught of greatest hits with albums by Blink182 and Nivana’s Sliver: Best of the Box slimming last years With the Lights Out into one single disk with a few new unreleased tracks so they can squeeze even more money out of the diehard fans. But next week does have an actual marquee name with the release of Santana’s third all-star outing, All That I Am featuring vocals from Mary J. Blige, Big Boi of Outkast, Will.I.Am, Sean Paul, Joss Stone, Steven Tyler, Anthony Hamilton, Los Lonely Boys, a return appearance of Michelle Branch, and some dude named Bo Bice (didn’t he lose some karaoke contest or something?). There will also generational battle of the guitar virtuosos with Robert Randolph and Kirk Hammett appearing on the same song. But what I’ll be looking forward to next week is a pair a DVD’s that will be released, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-12.

Other notable releases in the next couple weeks include more greatest hits Limp Bizkit, Beastie Boys, Motörhead, John Fogerty, Alanis Morissette and even a re-release of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run and Mariah Carey’s The Emancipation of Mimi which I did a decent job ignoring the last time around hopefully I’ll do the same this time around. Also expect new albums with actual new songs by Neil Diamond, Madonna, Shakira, 50 Cent, a live album from the newly minted John Mayer Trio, and the debut of Jamie Foxx. And just when you think things can’t get any worse, the dude from Creed is releasing a solo album. God help us all.

My fall suggestions:

The Fix Is In

The NBA for along time has been accused of fixing games keeping lower market teams without any marketing stars like Milwaukee and Sacramento out of the later rounds to make room for storied franchises such as the Lakers and da Bulls. As a former basketball referee I am very familiar of how easy it is for a ref to fix a basketball game because you can basically call a foul at any given time to give a team an advantage without raising an eyebrow because there can be a foul called on any given play due to the amount of contact that goes on. Granted this hasn’t helped the league’s popularity as the NBA because since the alleged game fixing happened, the league has almost been passed in popularity by a bunch of rednecks turning left for hours at a time and a sport that hasn’t been played professionally for over a year. And it’s really doubtful any dress code will help. But it did lead to the entertaining “It’s retarded” blast by Tim Duncan. Keep in mind this is coming from a guy who actually spent four years in college.

With the NBA taking a dive after it’s alleged fixing, it not surprising that Bud Selig has taken the same approach to this year’s baseball playoffs. This guy has done so much to destroy baseball that I’m surprised that the MLB hasn’t been passed by a bunch of rednecks turning lefts for hours on end too. But for a used car salesman, what better story, after a year of steroid allegations, than to have yet another franchise win a World Series after a century of futility. But didn’t Selig see what happened after the cursed Red Sox won last year, the Baseball Gods, in the form of Congress, brought furry down on the game. Somewhat poetic though that the only team ever to fix a World Series would win their next World Series after the umpires fixed the games. Sadly “Say it ain’t so Doug Eddings” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

I didn’t watch any of the American League playoffs asides from the highlights on Sportcenter and blindly gave the benefit of the doubt to the umpires being a former one myself. But all that changed after Jermaine Dye’s phantom hit by a pitch play. And Dye didn’t even pull an A.J. Pierzynski and bolt to first base afterwards to muddy things up. After the call, Dye looked as befuddled as everyone else watching. There is no way the umpire could have possibly not known it hit Dye’s bat. This of course loads the bases for the Sox’s best home run hitter. Now looking back to the called third strike and catcher’s interference plays I’m not so sure that was all coincidence that they both helped the Sox. Not too mention the very next inning after the Paul Konerko grand slam, Lance Berkman got punch out by a called third strike so far inside it left the broadcasters speechless followed by Morgan Ensburg looking at a low ball called for a second strike that led him swinging at a pitch out of the strike three to get him out too. And after the rant on the blown call doesn’t mean I’m on the instant replay bandwagon, I just think they need to get some competent umps that aren’t on the take behind the plate.

And it’s not the umpires helping out the White Sox either as the commissioner has blatantly helped out Chicago too. The biggest violation was having the Angels fly from New York to California to Chicago in three days time after a rainout pushed back the division series. Then take a look at the natural setup of the playoffs, had both League Championship Series went seven games, the AL champ would have still gotten one more day rest then the NL champ even though the AL winner already had the advantage of home field advantage from the lame “This year it counts” All-Star Game. Keep in mind the All-Star game already favors the AL as they have two less teams which means two less automatic spots going to potential less deserving players.

This whole thing smells so crooked they might as well have Don King promote these playoffs. I’m waiting for game seven, Astros down by one in the 9th and Willy Taveras and Chris Burke coming around to score in succession like in the Major League movie only to be met with a steel chair by the ump who then rips off his protective chest pad to reveal a White Sox jersey WWE style and then raising Pierzynski’s arm in victory while Joe Buck scream, “Oh my Gawd, I can’t believe my eyes, oh my Gawd.”

So the fix is in, the umpires are conspiring with Bud Selig to ensure a Chicago win.
But don’t count out the Astros too fast. If they can get ahead by a couple of run, it may be to hard for the umps to throw the game and with the Astros utilizing the Crawford Boxes this postseason with their opponents not getting one home run there and the natural advantage of having pitchers batting could lead to a Houston sweep at Minute Maid Park even with Backe (who has dominated St. Louis two years in a row at home) and hurt Roger Clemens/Wandy Rodriguez. For game five I’m hoping they pump Clemens with whatever performance enhancing drugs they put in Curt Shilling last year. That would then leave Oswalt and Pettitte to win one game back in Chicago.

And seeing Pierzynski playing for the first time I can now understand why everyone in baseball hates this guy. This guy is pumping his fist and celebrating on the field long before the last out has been recorded. I know this is a football phase, but I like to utilize it for all sport – “Act like you’ve been there before.” Instead Pierzynski is out there acting like a participant in the Little League World Series, not the Big League version. Pierzynski will be lucky if Clemens won’t be playing the rest of the Series because Roger is the type of old school guy who would plant a 95-fast ball upside his dome for pulling that kind of crap during a game.

The last baseball item I want to touch on is iTunes is running an offer of all the World Series participants’ favorite song (see the list for yourself). There are your usual agro-rock and gansta rap staples along with some country from the good ol’ boys of Houston. And Britney Spears. Seriously, Britney Spears. Out of all the songs ever made, White Sox reliever Damaso Marte chose Oops, I Did it Again. And baseball wants to fix the World Series so this guy can win. I really have nothing more to say after that.

We Can't Sing a Song with No Melody

Stevie Wonder has always been one of my favorite artist with Superstition hovering in my top five songs for a while. You can always here me listening to his songs from his early upbeat Motown era to his introspective funky seventies period. But like most people, I found most of his post seventies music to be less than memorable aside from his duet with Babyface on How Come, How Long. His new album A Time to Love, is better than most of his eighties record but he still doesn’t capture the greatness of his earlier work.

The closest Stevie gets to the seventies era is the album opener, If Your Love Cannot Be Moved. The song has a grandiose feel to it highlighted by gospel singer Kim Burrell trading lines with Stevie and a rhythm section straight out of Africa and a choir just adds to the song. But after the first song, Stevie reverts back to his eighties sappy love song stage with a string of run of the mill R&B songs such as Sweetest Somebody I Know and Blue Moon. The low point of the whole album is the extremely cheesy Passionate Raindrops.

But after that is the funky Tell Your Heart I Love You which puts the album back on track. There is also Please Don’t Hurt My Baby that also harkens back to his seventies period and also incorporates what sounds like a Roadrunner sample. Stevie ends A Time to Love with a string of songs that also come close to his earlier work starting with What the Fuss. The song features Prince on the guitar and En Vogue handling the backing vocals. In the song Stevie takes on anyone who doesn’t take responsible for themselves from the government to parents to addicts. Can’t Imagine Love without You is the only love song here that isn’t overly sappy.

The album ends much like it began with tribal beats, socially conscience lyrics, and guest vocals, this time by India Arie on the title track. Paul McCartney shows up over twenty years after Ebony and Ivory to add acoustic and electric guitars on the song. With the album coming in at well over an hour, Stevie could have shaved some of the weaker tracks, but as is, this album is still better than anything he has done in twenty-five years.

Song to Download – A Time to Love

A Time to Love gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

The End Is Near

There is nothing like the yearly release by the Parent Television Council that recommends what shows I should be watching. Of course when I say what I should be watching, I referring to the shows they put on their Worst Shows list. Ever since the very first list in 1997, the PTC has condemned such favorites of mine such as The Drew Carrey Show, Norm, Angel, Family Guy, and The Surreal Life including number one spots for Married with Children (1997), WWF Smackdown! (2000), Boston Public (2001), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (2002), and Everwood (2004). Looking at the Best Shows list over the years, there have only been three shows I’ve watched regularly that made that list Smallville (twice), Joan of Arcadia, and American Dreams.

But looking at the Worst Shows list, the PTC might have actually gotten it right this year by putting The War at Home number one as it was one of the worst shows I’ve watched in a long time (see my review). Granted Family Guy made a return appearance along with first timers Desperate Housewives and Arrested Development making the list this year.

But the interesting aspect about this year’s Best Shows list is there is actually only nine shows on it this year. How sad is it when we have gotten to the point in our culture that the PTC can’t even find ten shows worth recommending? And looking at the list, number one is Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, a show that was a spin-off of a show that advocated plastic surgery, American Idol (#3) a show built around some British dude insulting young people and another judge who allegedly has sex with numerous contestants, and Dancing with the Stars (#8) that featured a Playboy Playmate who had a wardrobe malfunction. Then at number five is Everybody Hates Chris. Who would ever think that the PTC would endorse anything that Chris Rock did? Or they would recommend a show that used multiple racial slurs? I’m may have to start believing the whole “The end is near” that the religious fanatics keep telling me about.

Check out the whole list - Parents Television Council Publications

Toss Up: Lost vs Veronica Mars week 4

This is when I usually do my toss up between toss up between the two best shows of last year that just happen to be at the same timeslot, Lost and Veronica Mars but I’m going to skip that this week on the basis that Lost sucked massively this week and just hand the award to Veronica Mars this week. After a finale that revealed nothing, Lost this season has gotten progressively worse throughout this season. The most recent stinkfest involved both Jin and Sun searching for something, in the past they were both looking for love which, duh, they would eventually do. Back on the island Jin was searching for Michael while Sun couldn’t find her wedding ring that lead to the worst metaphor of the show.

The only entertaining parts of the show was when Hurley asked Sun “Are you from the good Korea or the bad one?” and when Sawyer and Ana Lucia where trading barbs while asking about each other’s availability. But that was about it. The major problem was not with the lame storyline though; instead it was where was the token hot chick? They are only five episodes into the season and Shannon has been completely left out of two of them already and has been reduced to about one scene of the other episodes. Is it really that hard to scan her sunbathing while transitioning to another scene? Luckily my TV Guide (the new TV Guide, for the record, is the worst idea since New Coke. Like a wise man once said, “I fear change.”) said next weeks episode will be Shannon-centric so hopefully that will make up the lack of bikinis in this season so far.

The heart of the reason why Shannon has been lost in the shuffle this season is because the cast has ballooned up to rival that of Hen-Hur leaving a large chunk of the cast without any screen time. But that is going to change because in three weeks someone. Will. Be. Lost… Forever. So once again the preview of Lost was actually more interesting than the show itself. Yet most like the death will suck much like Boone’s demise. Do they not realize that Arnz’s death was much better TV not knowing it would happen as opposed to Boone’s who everyone realized he was going to die the moment he fell off the cliff, yet they devoted a whole hour afterwards anyways? And for anyone who doesn’t realize it yet, the death is in three week, but there will be a new episode next week, and presumable the week after that. Of course that’s if you trust the new (evil) TV Guide.

So here is my prediction, much like I predicted last season, Claire will be the one to die leaving Charlie in charge of her kid.

As for Veronica Mars, the show seemed to slow down for the first time this season. I thought it was odd that after last weeks dramatic ending of Big Dick fleeing in a helicopter that there wasn’t even a mention of it this week. Yet unlike Lost, who leaves multiple questions unanswered, that it will be brought up later. But the big reveal of the week was that the snooping dude from Chicago turned out to be Wallace’s dad. I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming when the dude mentioned to Keith that Alicia had something of his. The small hint of the week could have been revealed by Meg’s little sister saying that there was something on Meg’s secret computer that would make her parents pull the plug. I’m really hoping that Meg comes out of her coma sooner rather than later because that can only up the intensity, but I have a feeling it will happen later.

With Veronica getting her hand on a voice mail from the bus as it went over the edge along with Wallace and his father and possibly the returning Casablancas, Veronica Mars looks like it will be better than Lost next week especially when Lost is already looking ahead three weeks. Granted I won’t be watching either as they will coincide with Game 4 of the World Series, so I will watching both Thursday barring any VCR mishaps like the one that stopped recording Smallville 45 minutes in.

Come Back to Texas

After the Albert Pujols moonshot that essentially ended game 5, many o my friend asked if the loss was hard, but to be honest, that moment barley cracked my to 5 worse sport moments as my childhood was so bad, they named the failures: the fumble, the drive, the shot. To make matters worse, EPSN Classic shows these games every year on their anniversary. I really doubt they will be showing Game 5 this time next year. Although I have to admit I had nightmares of David Eckstien that night.

Unlike many blowhards, one thing that didn’t worry me since the homer was momentum. Momentum is just something created by sportswriters who can’t think of anything better to write about. Yeah after the shot, I really doubt the Astros would get the run back in the bottom of the ninth, but I didn’t think it would affect the team in the next games because of the two guys who didn’t play in game five, Roy Oswalt and Roger Clemens. And it turned out that I was right as Oswalt pitched the type of a game that basically punched his ticket to Cooperstown baring a Jose Lima type collapse in the future.

And no way should I have to debate whether Craig Biggio should be in the hall anymore. His number should have been enough along with his flawless transition from catcher to second base to center field to left field back to second. Now his clutch performance in the playoffs so far should solidify his induction. And because of the performance, Biggio is wiped from being third all-time in games played without a World Series appearance. Granted he shot to number one with a bullet on the list of most games played before their first World Series with Jeff Bagwell moving into third on the list. Ironically they samwitch Big Head Barry whose Monsters all seem to be going to jail on drug charges. Hope he’s stocked up on his flaxseed oil.

With two dominating performances, Roy Oswalt was the easy choice for the MVP but I think Tony LaRussa should get an honorable mention. How else can the best team in baseball lose to a team that should have been disbanded in June? The Cards were basically one rocket lancher away from losing in five games. Where Phil Garner changing the lineup multiple times to keep the hot hands in their, LaRussa keep his struggling stars at the top of the lineup. The most notable mistake was keeping the anemic Jim Edmonds and Larry Walker around Pujols. Through most of the series Pujols would come to bat with no one on because of Edmonds and then was left stranded because of Walker. Then LaRussa stubbornly still goes with the righty-lefty matchups which is the worst philosophy in baseball. Anyone who can only get out a certain type of batter shouldn’t be in the big leagues anyways. And look at some of his matchups. LaRussa continually brought in Julian Tavarez, the ugliest person in baseball, who Houston has owned in the last two playoffs to the point where Tavarez got so frustrated dude punches a telephone. So I’d like to thank LaRussa for being the most overrated manager in baseball. Hope you have fun golfing with Bobby Cox next week.

Looking ahead to the World Series, Garner has a big decision as what to do with the DH which he will have to utilize for as many as four games. In an interview last night Bagwell said he was off to petition of the job. That would make a great story, but having Lance Berkman might be a better choice. He’s been hurt too and then Garner won’t have to worry about benching Chris Burke, Willy Tavarez, or Mike Lamb and with those three in the field rather than Berkman would also be a better defensive lineup too. If Garner does go with Bagwell (this does set up a potential Kirk Gibson scenario), I’d go with Lamb being the odd man out because I don’t really trust Berkman’s knee to roam the outfield until they have the abbreviated left field in Houston.

One think that I’m really getting sick of is people talking about Chicago’s “big four.” Just because they can get a complete game doesn’t put them on par with Andy Pettitte, Oswalt, or Clemens. Plus the original Big Three don’t have to worry about going nine innings; all they need is six with Wheeler, Qualls, and Lidge concluding the final three innings. So the Big Three doesn’t have to worry about a pitch count and can waste a few pitches setting up the batters. The so-called “big four” doesn’t have that luxury because Houston can jump on the Sox relievers much like they did against Atlanta and St. Louis.

Prediction: Houston wins the series in Houston this time.


On another sports story hats off to New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin who is asking for the “Cleveland Plan” where they get rid of the owner but keep the name, colors, records, and the like. But as a Browns fan, may I recommend that you not make Butch Davis the coach of your new Saints if it happens.

Your Momma's Favorite Rapper

You will never be able to discuss rap without bringing up Run-DMC. With help from Rick Rubin, their rap-rock infusion brought hip-hop to the suburbs and could be named the first of almost any rap category. And even though many rappers are unable to find a second hit and sink into obscurity, Run-DMC was pumping out club bangers for over a decade. Sadly the group dissolved after the death of Jam Master J knowing that it wouldn’t be the same without Jay behind the turntables.

Now Run is back with his first solo album Distortion and a new moniker, Rev. And unlike every single rap album released over the past decade, there is no “featuring” after any song as it is just Rev Run, his mike, and a boat load of samples. The best sample is the Joan Jett guitars and scream from I Love Rock and Roll on Mind of the Road. The song and Run’s rapping are so perfectly interchanged that even the best mash-up artist couldn’t have done better. The other samples don’t quite knock the same punch though. Take a Tour takes from a Blondie song, but hearing Run with a girl singing the hook just sounds out of place. Even more out of place is the Lynyrd Skynyrd sample of Home Sweet Alabama. The song is a tribute to Jay but both are from Queens, no where near Alabama. Also throughout the album, there are samples hear and there from different Run-DMC classics.

The main problem with the album is that it is supposed to be a full length album, yet it clocks in at an even twenty-three minutes. So the full length album price tag is way too much and should be discounted as if it were an EP because I have a few EP that are even longer than this.

Song to Download – Mind on the Road

Distortion gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.