Desperately Wanting

I tried to avoid Desperate Housewives for a long time. The more the Oprah crowd talked about it around the water cooler, the more I wanted to avoid it. Then I heard one of my heroes was going to be on the show. Yes Shaft himself was going to show up on Wisteria Lane, and since Shaft is one bad... (maybe I should shut my mouth), I had to check it out. What I found was a disturbingly entertaining show. First you have Lois Lane turned single bubbling single mom. The producer of Sports Night turned overwhelmed mom. The creepy chick who used to live at Melrose Place is now a Stepford wife. And of course, what show today isn’t complete without a token hot chick. I wonder if the executives at ABC during pilot season go, “yeah that a interesting show, but do you think you can add a token hot chick?” Now if the other channels would only do this.

So it turns out that dead chick’s husband has hired Shaft to find out who was blackmailing his wife. (Ironically the last lime I saw the dead wife was on Everwood where she played… the dead wife. Typecasting anyone?) This got me a little interested, not quite as interesting as the token hot chick, but anyways. But that is just one of many mysteries on Wisteria Lane. Unlike Lost, some of the mysteries were solved by the finally. Some with better results than others. It was interesting how they intertwined the two biggest questions together with why did the one chick commit suicide and who exactly is the plumber dude.

Then there were the mysteries that went unanswered, first and for most, what was the gay homosexual, also imported from Melrose Place, big secret that he talked about with his dad. The easiest answer of that he had another family was shot as he quit his job where he does a lot of traveling. My only other guess is that he swings both ways or they will drop that plot line all together. My other big problem was the introduction of the black family. Why did they show up only to accomplish nothing to the storyline? Either hold them off until next year or tease us with something that will have us guessing all summer. Watching them just move in was boring.

The biggest glaring problem I had with the show was with Paul Young. At first he concocts a great plan to hide the dead chick that his wife killed under the pool. But once his wife kills herself, he decides to move the body from a place where no one will find her and instead throws the bode and the and the wood box that it is in into a lake. Has he never seen “Will it Float?” on Letterman? Both wood and bodies float.

Looking forward to next season, I think it’s pretty safe to say it will turn out that Dana is the plumber’s kid (or at least the plumber will think so). The black family will have some deep dark secret. Susan will fumble around a lot. The Melrose Place dude will have the same problem his wife did as Mr. Mom. Edie will hit on the black dude. And hopefully if the token hot chick starts showing her pregnancy, they bring in another token hot chick to replace her.

Desperate Housewives 1x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. It also won a STA.

Guys (Dramatic Pause) Where are We?

So what happens when an orphan, a drug dealer, an evil lawyer, a hobbit, the F.B.I. Assistant Director, an inmate in a wheelchair, a gay-basher turned gay homosexual, a surfer chick and Jay Leno get on a plane. Well if you sprinkle in some token hot chicks, you'll have one of the most talked about shows in recent memory. (Bonus points to anyone who guesses who's who. Leave your guesses in the comment section with the character and the show/movie.)

The first episode of Lost rivaled that of a big budget, a plane crash, an enormous monster, an exotic location and of course, the hottest token hot chick on TV today. It was compelling enough to become an instant water cooler topic. We all debated what the monster was, who would be the first to die, and where exactly where were they.

Then the show moved into its "Back-story of the Week" format where we learned that Kate was a wanted woman and that of course raised more questions. What exactly did she do? From there, we saw flashback from each of the main characters, so more than others. We saw some that were absolutely shocking (Locke was in a wheelchair). We saw some that were easy to predict (Boone and Shannon are siblings by marriage and have hooked up). We saw some that were funny (Hurley's bad luck).

By the time the finale rolls around, everyone is more confused than Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton in the celebrity spelling bee. But since the producers are so nice, we get a glimpse of the monster. Umm, it’s just black smoke. We are supposed to be scared of that? Well at least we get to see who the Others are. But that turned out to another let down as they looked like extras from Deliverance. If they force Hurley to squeal like a pig in his underwear next season, I will never watch the show again. So after the Other signaled that they have selected a new pope, they hop on their boat to pick up Walt. But I thought they were supposed to use white smoke for that, but anyway.

There were a lot of flaws that could be found in the writing. During Sayid's second flashback, it's been well documented that terrorist that are strapped with explosives do not detonate the bombs, they are led to believe they do but are followed and some one else does it just in case the suicide bomber gets second thoughts. Also how could the explosives expert, Artz, explode after picking up one stick but the people that don't know anything about it can carry six sticks threw the jungle without incident? Not to mention, why has no one mentioned that Locke is no in a wheelchair. I’m sure some one noticed he was in a wheelchair before the flight then being carried onto the plane by the flight attendants. These little details bug me a little everyone and a while and takes me out of the story.

The bigger problem though is the amount of unanswered questions that each episode leaves such as (my theories are in parentheses):

What did Kate do that was so bad that her mom is scared of her? (Eco-terrorist blamed for the death of an oil tycoon.)

How did Locke get in the wheelchair? (Complications to surgery.)

What is the monster? (A specter.)

What is the hatch to? (A submarine.)

What happened to Rose? (She went looking for her husband around the island.)

Why did the fortune teller change his mind about Claire keeping her baby? (The fortune teller didn't change his mind. There is no couple in LA. He saw another castaway's future and made Claire get on that flight.)

Who was Ethan Rom and why did he want Claire? (One of the others looking for the chosen one.)

How did Claire escape someone who could capture two people at one time? (She didn't escape, she was let go after it was realized that her child wasn't the chosen one.)

How did Jack single handedly beat up Ethan Rom after be beaten like a red headed step child days earlier? (Ethan let him win.)

Why would Sayid hook up with Shannon after being so close to finding his true love? (I, personally forget about any past loves if I had a chance with Shannon.)

What's with the number? (Just a way to connect everyone and everything.)

What did the French chick say to Hurley to calm him down? (Haven't a clue.)

Why did Claire name here kid Aaron? If she lost all her memory, what could the significance of this be? (I think the writers screwed up.)

What do the Others want with Walt? (He can control the monster.)

What will happen to Michael, Sawyer & Jin? (They will float back to the island and will discover the other survivors like Rose's husband and Michelle Rodriguez.)

What will Jack and company find down the hatch? (Boone, Ethan Rom, the marshal, Scott and anyone else who died.)

Why is a flight from Australia carrying so many non-Australians? By my count there is only one Australian that we have met, Claire. (It's an American show. Added 6/7)

What was the secret Locke told Walt in the pilot? (I'm not sure I really want to know. Added 6/9)

I’m sure I’ll think up of more questions so check back later. Also leave any of you theories or questions in the comment section.

Lost 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. It also won two STA's.

I Carry the Madness Everywhere I Go

Let me take you back to the mid-nineties, a time when Rock and Roll bands rules the radiowaves (including the recently reviewed Better Than Ezra) and there was no bigger band at the time as the Gallagher brothers of Oasis. It didn't hurt them that sibling rivalry was as entertaining (or sometimes more entertaining) than the music. But around the third album, the luster of the band wore off and they started to put out mediocre album one after another with the song Stop Crying Your Heart Out being the one bright spot in recent memory.

Mediocrity continues with the release of Don't Believe the Truth. But for a band that who unapologetically rip-off the Beatles as on this album they steal from other English bands. A Bell Will Ring sounds like a Rolling Stones song. Lyla sounds like something The Kinks might have done. The Stone Roses get the Oasis makeover on Turn Up the Sun.

Oasis even borrows from a newer band as Mucky Fingers takes from the signature Coldplay crushing guitars. They even get some influences from across the pond with the 60's garage rock of The Meaning of Soul. Part of the Queue percussion sound particularly reminiscent of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Breaking the Girl.

But Oasis shines when they stick to what they do best, and of course that lifting Beatles music. Love Like a Bomb and Guess God Thinks I'm Abel both fit the bill. The Noel takes over sing duties on The Importance Of Being Idle also fits in that category. But the highlight of the album is the closer, Let There Be Love, the first time I'm aware of where the Gallagher brother actually share vocal duties on the same song.

The album starts off with the lyrics, "I carry the madness everywhere I go." Too bad its not the same kind of madness that put a single of the brother on the English charts so many years ago. That is the Oasis I wish would come back.

Song to Download - Let There Be Love

Don't Believe the Truth gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

She Don't Like Cocaine

Back in the early nineties, I listened to nothing but hardcore gangsta rap. For me, the more offensive the better, N.W.A., Ice-T, I listened to it all. I had a few buddies that I would trade tapes with, as one of them had a cousin that worked at a record store and would hook us up with the new releases. Then one day in 1991, one of those friends handed me a tape with a guitar on the cover. Since I trusted the guy (coincidently, he's the same guy I talked about during Dave Matthews Band Week), I gave it a listen.

What I heard on that album changed my life. The album, Eric Clapton's Slowhand, starts off with the rock staple Cocaine. I'm sure there is nothing more endearing then hearing a kid repeat, "She don't like, she don't, she don't like... cocaine" over and over again as I did back then. And this song has even kept me off drugs because if she don't like cocaine, then I don't. Granted, it wasn't until a few years later that I found that Eric Clapton was quite found of the white powder back in the day.

Following Cocaine is the school dance, wedding, girl's dorm staple, Wonderful Tonight. It is, still, to this day the best song to play if you need to a little help with the ladies. I have yet to meet a female that doesn't swoon the moment the first guitar lick comes on. And the SCB commercial with playing Wonderful Tonight and the dude repeating the line, "she's wondering what cloths to wear" is just pure humor.

The rest of the album is filled with equally great songs. All the songs were great lyrically and sonically with some classic guitar riffs and solos. The album also covers the musical spectrum from strait ahead rock to blues to power ballad and even throws in the danceable Lay Down Sally to boot. We also get some female lead vocals on a couple tracks leaving Clapton to focus on what he does best, play the guitar.

Back in my youth, I didn't even realize that they made any good music before I was born and Slowhand changed all that. But Slowhand change all that. After Clapton, I quickly discover other "classics" such as Marley, Petty, Steve Miller, and Hendrix, among others and constitute a majority of what I listen to today. So for its life changing moment, Eric Clapton's Slowhand is June's induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame.

3 1/2 Minutes, Felt Like a Lifetime

One of the very few bands that I own all their albums (of artist that have released three or more) with new material is Better Than Ezra. All their pervious albums still get heavy rotation in my CD player and on my iPod. Today marks the release of their fifth studio album, Before the Robots.

The album starts off with three sing-alongs that BTE is best known for, Burned, Daylight, and A Lifetime. A Lifetime is actually a holdover from their 2001 album, the sadly overlooked Closer. The version on BTR speeds things up a little, and rocks a little more than the original. It also includes the line that has bugged me for a while, "And that R.E.M. song was playing in my mind. Three and half minutes, felt like a lifetime." Looking through my somewhat extensive R.E.M. library, found that Let Me In off of Monster clocks in at 3:28 and At My Most Beautiful off of Up finishes at the 3:35 mark. Monty Got a Raw Deal, The One I Love, and Find the River are all close also and might fit the song. (Keep in mind that A Lifetime ends at 3:26.)

Another BTE trademark is that they take some chances and that is found in Its Only Natural, Special, and Juicy. Juicy is the best, a danceable song that is accompanied by a falsetto voice and a driving bass line that make you realize what a modern Bee-Gee's song might sound like is they listen to Devo or Violent Femmes.

American Dream is the best written song on the album telling the story of a few people that haven't achieved the American Dream yet. In this Red State/Blue State time, the lines, "I'm a little bit rebel, I'm a bit patriot. I can see both sides of the coin" probably describes most of America while our government is littered with fanatics on both side of the fence. A Southern Thang lives up to the bill as a southern rock song being that the band is from New Orleans. The song also takes a little of the melody of the David Essex classic, Rock On, during the chorus. They even namedrop the King of Delta Blues himself, Robert Johnson in the song.

Song to Download - Daylight

Before the Robots gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Memorial Day Salute

I have been a huge John McCain supporter for a while now and last year he wrote a book, Why Courage Matters: The Way to a Braver Life, that I have recently finished reading. McCain, with help from Mark Salter, never exactly answer the question directly, instead they explain by example, profiling different people from all part of life that have exhibited courage. This also helps McCain avoid writing a self help book listing how you can live a braver life.

McCain most obviously starts with a type of courage he has the most experience, those of which he saw first hand in Vietnam. But since this is not an autobiography, Special Forces master sergeant Roy Benavidez is the first person of courage that McCain talks about. His helicopter was shot down after a mistake, many of his comrades were wounded. Benavidez then helped everyone onto the helicopter meant to rescue them to the point where he collapses and presumed dead.

But this book is not a book about war stories as the story of Angela Dawson is next. Dawson was a mom in East Baltimore who tried to keep drugs and other bad elements out of her neighborhood. McCain also touches on people who fought in the Civil War, Civil Rights activists, athletes, and political prisoners among others.

For anyone who has heard John McCain speak knows that isn't the best orator out there and that translates into his writing style. There were many passages in the book that had to read a couple times to fully comprehend what McCain was getting at. But overall, the message is there and is worth reading, even if you have to read it more than once. One passage that struck me:

People lie because, more often than not, it works. More often than not, lying doesn't attract unwanted public attention, it lets us escape it. For every public figure caught in a lie, many more have avoided public disgrace by lying.
Apparently Tom DeLay and Barry Bonds have taken this to heart and makes you wonder how many Congressmen and baseball players that haven't been caught in their lies.

The book, thought up by McCain's editor post-9/11 when people were afraid to ride elevators of tall building or to get on airplanes, is a good read for profiles of courage on this Memorial Day. Also, make sure you check out the movie based on his other, Faith of My Fathers tonight on A&E.

Why Courage Matters gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends

Veronica Mars is a student at Neptune High School who's best friend, Lilly Kane, was murdered, her mom has jumped town, she has been raped, her boyfriend has abruptly broke up with her, and she's an outcast because her father wrongly (maybe) accused her dead best friend’s dad with being the murderer. And that's just what we learn from the first episode. The next twenty-one episode revolve around Veronica trying to find out why her mom left and where she went to, who raped her, and who killed Lilly. The later of which could have been almost anyone who came into contact with the youngest Kane, and Veronica just happen to have a file on every one of them.

When Veronica's not looking for her mom or Lilly's killer, Veronica works for her dad who is a private investigator. This leads to the mystery of the week, this is what gave the show its comparisons to The X-Files and Buffy the Vampire Slayer except all the monsters in Neptune are real people. Some of the better side stories include Veronica thwarting a group of computer nerd who extort money through the internet (The Wrath of Con), she hunts down the person who is posting fake purity tests of other students including herself (Live a Virgin), she tries to catch the students who set her up for making fake ID's (Clash of the Tritons), she find a student accused of making bomb threats (Weapons of Class Destruction), and she tries to keep a student from posting an explicit video of his ex-girlfriend on the internet (M.A.D.).

Along with the great storylines, the show is also has a great cast. Kristen Bell shines as Veronica, who can hit each smart-alic line with ease but can also nail all the emotional scenes that Sarah Michelle Gellar couldn't quite hit as Buffy. And where Jennifer Garner always comes off as slutty in her many undercover costumes, Bell pulls off all her costumes with a cute as button touch to them (which is why Bell is the leading candidate to replace Portman in my top 5). Supporting Bell are Enrico Colantoni, best known as the balding photographer on Just Shoot Me, as papa Mars and a bunch of young actors in the first major roles. Percy Daggs III as Wallace and Francis Capra as Weevil do the best with their roles but I don't think Teddy Dunn pulled off the complexity of Duncan Kane as the season wore on.

The show was sprinkled with the multitude of familiar faces with Alyson Hannigan (Buffy), Joey Lauren Adams (Mallrats), Anthony Anderson (Barbershop), Lisa Rinna (Melrose Place), Paula Marshall (Cupid), Paris Hilton (One Night in Paris), and a double shot of the Home Improvement Boys Zachary Ty Bryan and Jonathan Taylor Tomas all making a cameo or two. Other stars making recurring appearances included Harry Hamlin (L.A. Law) as a movie star/abusive father, Amanda Seyfried (Mean Girls) as the most popular girl in school turned murder victim Lilly Kane, and being rescued from the crap that was Napoleon Dynamite was Tina Majorino who played Mac, the computer whiz who helped Veronica on all her digital cases.

Unlike other big shows of this season (*couch* Lost *cough*), Veronica Mars answered all the big questions posed this season: who raped Veronica, where did Veronica mom go, and most importantly, not to mention most shocking, who killed Lilly Kane. Although there are some important questions that will be answered next season like who was Veronica glad to see (my guess - Wallace) and what did Weevil and his boys do to Logan (my guess - he ends up next to his dad). And a question that may not be answered quickly, is Lynn Echolls really dead.

If you happened to miss Veronica Mars, be sure to catch it this summer from the beginning starting Tuesday, June 14 at 9 PM, and then move to its new timeslot the next day on Wednesday, June 15 at 9 PM. Or you can pick up the DVD which is supposed to come out around the start of season two.

Veronica Mars 1x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. It also won three STA's.

1st Annual Scooter Television Awards

Welcome to the 1^st annual Scooter Television Awards honoring show that aired new episodes between June 2004 and May 2005. I will save the explanation of certain winner's when I do a comprehensive review of that season in the near future. So without further ado, here are the inaugural winners of the STA's:

Best Scripted Show: Veronica Mars

Best Reality Show (Game Show Edition): Survivor

Best Reality Show (Documentary Edition): Project Greenlight 3

Best Cable Show: Rescue Me

Best Sitcom: Arrested Development

Best Talk Show: Pardon the Interruption

Hottest Token Hot Chick:







Worst Idea: Jack & Bobby - When I first saw the ads for this show where they say one will become president and the other won't be alive to see it, I thought it was an interesting idea despite the obvious Kennedy correlation. Then came the pilot where, at the end, they tell you which brother is which. That was the worst idea to end all bad ideas. Why would you reveal the whole show on the first show?

Best Moment: Mini Me on The Surreal Life - I have said it before and I will say it again, Mini Me rolling down the hall naked, stopping to relieve himself in the corner is the funniest thing that has ever been on TV.

Best Episode: A Trip to the Dentist (Veronica Mars 1x21) - This is the episode where we learn everything about what happened at Shelly Pomeroy's party. Not only do we learn that Duncan who was the one that "raped" Veronica it turned out that they we brother and sister (or so the Kane's think). This was also the episode that convinced me that Beaver and Dick were the one's that killed Lilly Kane. OK I got that one wrong.

Most Entertaining Male Reality "Star": John Gulager (Project Greenlight 3) - I stated many times about how entertaining this guy is.

Most Entertaining Female Reality "Star": Tonya (The Inferno II) - This one is somewhat shocking because she was so boring on Real World: Chicago. Since Chicago she dumped her boyfriend and apparently went insane. And that just makes for great TV highlighted by when she tossed Beth's wardrobe into the pool because she'd "rather be know as a slut than a liar."

Best Shocker: Locke's in a wheelchair (Lost) - I think my jaw was permanently on the floor for a week after this episode. Unfortunately we don't know for sure why he was in a wheelchair, as we are left to assume it was something to do with his operation, or why he temporarily lost feeling in his legs as he got closer to the plane where Boone crashed in.

Best Theme Song: We Used to Be Friends - The Dandy Warhols (Veronica Mars) - One of only two theme songs that I actually sit and watch every week. Follow the link to get a copy of your own.

Show That Should Be Brought Back: American Dreams - Granted if they bring it back I hope they pretend that the last episode never ended, instead pretend that they annoying greaser boy died a horrible death.

Best Marketing Idea: Star Wars Tie-ins with The O.C. - I never watched The O.C., but I did find myself turning in for the premiere of the trailer and the episode with George Lucas (and by "turning in" I mean I taped it and fast forward to those part, occasionally stopping to check out the token hot chick, the brunette version.)

Best Cast Addition: Hannah (Everwood) - Ephram's moping this season went seriously overboard to the point I found myself wanting to change the channel this year (farewell Ephram, don't bother sending a postcard). The one thing that kept me from changing the channel was the addition of Hannah to the cast as a form of comedic relief. They expanded her role later in the season when it turned out she may have inherited a disease from her sick father. Hopefully they do not ruin her next season with the Hannah-Bright relationship.

Best Guest Appearance: Bob Newhart & Shaft (Desperite Housewives) - Newhart's appearance gave validation for me to admit I watched the show. Nothing was funnier on the show when he got beat up by Susan's mom. And of couse, Shaft's one bad, well, maybe I should just shut my mouth.

Anyone Up For a Game of Basketball?

For years, I had to hang for by the water cooler listening to all the girls talk obsessively about crappy shows like The Bachelor(ette), American Karaoke, and Oprah, there hadn't been something from the TV that guys could talk about the day after since the heydays of Jerry Spinger (sadly this Sorority Girls doesn't count because apparently myself and a co-worker were the only ones that watched then dissected each episode the next day). Then came Chappelle's Show. It wasn't an instant cultural phenomenon. I didn't catch it until the middle of the first season with the reparations bit, "I'm rich, (expletive deleted)!" The first season also featured such instant classic as Black KKK, The Mad Real World, Wu Tang Financial, The Player Haters Ball, and the latest R. Kelly video (who doesn't have (Expletive Deleted) on You on their iPod?). But the best was yet to come as in the second season Chappelle's Show became the show guys could talk about the next day.

It would be silly to review the episodes, so instead I will countdown the top five sketches from season two.

5. Wayne Brady - When Brady said, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to slap a (expletive deleted)?" it had me on the floor for days.

4. When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Keep it real is a phrase that has annoyed me for a while so these skits were always good for a laugh especially the one with the girl.

3. Black Bush - A rare political statement from Chappelle with great takes from Mos Def as Black Ashcroft, Charlie Murphy as Black Rumsfeld and Jamie Foxx as Black Tony Blair. Check out the deleted scenes for Black Jeb Bush explaining the Florida recounts.

2. Kneehigh Park - How can you go wrong with Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest, Snoop Dogg as a puppet and a bunch of little VD puppets? I just hope that they overdubbed the lines so the kids there didn't actually hear any of it.

1. Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories - This one is a no brainer with the duel blast of Rick James and Prince. I remember reading Prince said he's constantly getting challenged to play basketball, although he never mentioned whether it actually happened or not. And it is very hard to go a day without hearing someone say, "I'm Rick James..."

This DVD does have most of the musical performances unlike the first season so we get great performances from the likes of Anthony Hamilton, Common, Kanye West (three times), Mos Def, Wyclef Jean, Snoop Dogg, and a special performance from John Mayer and ?uestlove doing a few 80's TV theme songs. I'm a huge John Mayer and The Roots fan so the skit was great to see them perform together (a side note, ?uestlove played drums on Mayer's Clarity).

As for extras on the DVD, we get the standard audio commentary by Chappelle and co-creator, Neal Brennan for five episodes. We also get about an hour and a half of deleted scenes and blooper, including twenty-three takes of Charlie Murphy laughing at Prince's challenge. But the highlights of the extra a two unaired storied by Charlie Murphy. One of which I can't believe they didn't turn into a sketch because it could have been as funny as Rick James or Prince. Then there is the extended interview of Rick James that they used for that episode. His imitation of Charlie Murphy had me on the floor. This interview would be great for any Health teacher starting the drug unit, because as Rick said just six months before his death, "Cocaine's one hell of a drug."

Chappelle's Show 2x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Funkier Than a Mosquito's Tweeter

Nikka Costa's new album, can'tneverdidnothin', is a dance romp for anybody who spends more time in the club than they do in the classroom. It packed full of funky beats that will make Dr. Dre and Prince jealous. The album starts of with a one-two punch. Till I Get To You, the first single that hopefully you picked up last week when iTunes was offering it for free, is a bouncy song that is just as catchy as her breakout song, 2001's Like a Feather. Next is the title track, which is just as danceable and fun as the previous track.

The album does slow down in a few places, sometime with better results than others. I Gotta Know is a heartbreaking love song about a girl hoping to find out her boyfriend's feelings are still as strong as her's. Hey Love, another slow gem, is also a lovelorn song that tries to help a lover out of his funk. Where Costa slows down that fails is the closer, Fatherless Child, which actually slows down too much to the point you may fall asleep while listening to it. (In actuality, there is a very good bluesy hidden track, I Don't Think We've Met, that ends the album.) Another misstep is when Fooled Ya gets to the chorus, it's just overkill for the song, had she cut that out the verses would make up a good song.

Also on the album is the rocking On and On. The song sounds like as if AC/CD tried to make a danceable song with a female singing lead. You can almost hear Back in Black if you listen hard enough. But the highlight of the entire album is the excellently titled Funkier Than a Mosquito's Tweeter (I'm not sure exactly how the title got pass the censors). The tribal song is decent, but I just enjoying saying Funkier Than a Mosquito's Tweeter.

can'tneverdidnothin' gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. IV

- Tonight is the greatest event in all of sports: the NBA Draft Lottery. Yeah it's rigged but it's always interesting to see who shows up for their respective teams. Will Kobe show up? LeBron? Will Spike Lee be the Knicks' representative? One thing for sure is that Elgin Baylor will be there for the 91^st time. Check out the Sports Guy's take on the event: Lottery Ticket.

- It was just announced that Wicked Wisdom has joined the roster of this year's Ozzfest. Now that might not be newsworthy until you find out that Wicked Wisdom is actually a Christian metal band... whose lead singer happens to be Jada Pickett Smith. Yes that is Mrs. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I think Vegas has the line set at three shows before she quits.

- Apparently the latest trend to sweep the nation is Movieoke. And it's pretty much what you think it is, karaoke with movies. Great, sign me up. I can't wait until I go, "You little son of a (expletive deleted) ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE (expletive deleted) BALL!" or "O.K., let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this (expletive deleted) who's a regular (expletive deleted) machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, (a lot of expletive deleteds). Then one day she meets this John Holmes (expletive deleted) and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape, he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious (expletive deleted) action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her (expletive deleted) should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat (expletive deleted) her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a (expletive deleted) machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, Like a Virgin." in front of a bunch of drunks. And one can hope the Fox in the future will follow up American Karaoke with American Movieoke. (Free plugs to anyone who can name one or both movie quotes. Leave your guesses in the comment section.)

- Natalie Portman has apparently came down with a case of the Sinéad O'Connor disease. It seems that she cut off her hair for a prison movie that she is doing. I was unaware that they shaved women's hair in prison, but oh well. Maybe if she was playing a cancer survivor, I'd understand the look, but not a prison inmate. This new hairstyle has dropped Portman out of my top 5. So now I will have to make an exhausting search to join Kate Bosworth, Natalie Coughlin, and the token hot chicks from Smallville and Lost. Any TV executive interested in a new reality show idea?


- Keeping with the Star Wars theme, it seems that a lot of people are drawing comparisons between Darth Vader and George W. Bush. God bless stupid people. In this scenario wouldn't that make George W. Luke Skywalker and George H.W. Bush Darth Vader? That would be backwards because George H.W. Bush was a good president and George W. Bush is the evil one. For more on this lunacy check out The Empire Strikes Bush.

- Is it just me or did the dude from Coldplay look like Schroeder from Peanuts on Saturday Night Live when he was at the piano?

- Speaking of SNL, how many more times does Horatio Sanz get to forget a line or go out of character before he gets fired? Does he have something over Loren Michaels? Does Michaels keep him on because if he gave Sanz the boot then he would have to find a token fat guy and a token Hispanic dude?

- Now I didn't watch it, and I hope none of you watched it, but I hope child welfare workers watched Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.

- There is nothing more depressing than knowing the one of the back up lip-syncers in *NSYNC actually dated #1 on Maxim’s Top 100 list I and haven’t. Shouldn’t dating a boy bander, by virtue, drop you a few notches anyways?


- It’s never a good sign when a pitcher on fantasy team gets tennis elbow from spending four hours a day e-mailing his brother. Hey, Carlos Zambrano, it’s called a telephone; I think you can afford the long distance charge. But I guess it’s my fault drafting a pitcher that is coached by Dusty Baker.

- A couple of weeks ago, it was reported that the armed forces came up way short on recruitment goal, and those enrollment may go lower. Patrick Tillman’s family is blasting the US military for giving covered up the investigation into Tillman’s death in Afghanistan. They also accuse the military of created a heroic tale about how Pat died in hopes of garnishing a patriotic response. This brings to mind Jessica Lynch who became a national hero just by being rescued. I remembered the military that rescued Jessica refuse to use a key that an Iraqi offered them because knocking the door down made a better story. It’s sad that it took ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on Sunday to honor the true hero of that story, Lori Piestewa who gave her life in Iraq. For more on the Pat Tillman story, check out Tillman’s parents lash out at Army.

Fall 2005 TV Schedule

During my Star Wars love fest last week, the TV networks quietly announced next year's schedule, and to back up my pervious notion that the world is against me, almost all the shows I watched last year got canceled or moved to the same day and time. Before I let my faithful readers what I'll be watching next year, I like you to take a moment of silence to this season's dearly departed:

American Dreams
Joan of Arcadia
Listen Up
Tru Calling
Christopher Reeves
Ethan Rom
Boone
Genevieve Teague
Rex Van de Camp
Dennis Miller

You all will be missed, at least by me. So on to what I'll be watching next year.

Monday
8:00 - Arrested Development
8:30 - How I Met Your Mother

Arrested Development is the funniest sitcom on TV today, basically by default because the rest are absolutely horrible. I did like the uncomfortable type humor of The Office (see Tuesday), so I will give that another try. How I Met Your Mother stars Alyson Hannigan last seen on Veronica Mars (I was hoping she would join that cast but there is a good chance this show will bomb so she can join it for the second half of next season) and most famously known as the lesbian-witch on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh and Doogie Howser is on it too.

Tuesday
8:00 - Bones
9:00 - My Name is Earl
9:30 - The Office

Bones is a crime drama that teams up a forensic anthropologist and an FBI agent (TV and their wacky crime drama pairings; will they ever run out?). The show stars Angel himself, David Boreanaz and Henry Walker from American Dreams. My Name is Earl is about a con man who gives up his life of crime after he wins the lottery. I have a fear, due to the name, that the show will revolve around an AA type meeting for crooks. Jason Lee, mostly known for his work with Kevin Smith, I assume plays Earl.

Wednesday
9:00 - Lost
9:00 - Veronica Mars (Tape)

Lost seems to be a magnet for my favorite shows. Last year it attracted Smallville and American Dreams, this year it is Veronica Mars. Wednesday is also the day the show that tops my "No Way You Will Ever Get Me to Watch That Crap" list with Freddie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and David Silver (oh please let him rap on this show too). I give the show five weeks.

Thursday
8:00 - Survivor
8:00 - Smallville (Tape)
8:00 - Everybody Hates Chris (If somebody buys me another VCR)
8:00 - Alias (Might catch it on DVD)
9:00 - Everwood

OK here is where my conspiracy theory against me starts. Yeah Lost and Veronica Mars on at the same time sucks, but Thursday at 8:00 sucks massively with four shows I want to watch all on at the same time. Alias is the odd (wo)man out as I never really got in the show that much. Everyone Hates Chris (as in Rock) follows a teenager at a mostly white high school in 1982 with Rock doing his best Daniel Stern impersonation (think The Wonder Years). I might tape Reunion at 9:00 also.

Friday
Friday is where shows go to die so there is never anything worth watching on this night, especially without Joan of Arcadia. Although one show I'll love to make fun of will be The Ghost Whisperer about a newlywed who sees dead people. It stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and Aisha Tyler.

Saturday
(See Friday)

Sunday
8:00 - The Simpsons
8:30 - The War at Home
9:00 - Desperate Housewives

Michael Rapaport Alert! I don't know how this guy can still find work, but he's always good for some good unintentional comedy.


Some shows to look out for that will replace the stiffs like Freddie and The Ghost Whisperer in the midseason include:

Crumbs staring Kevin Arnold (wow, Kevin Arnold and Doogie Houser on TV at the same time. Is it 1988 again? Makes you wonder where DJ Tanner is) and Maggie Lawson who been a few failed sitcoms, Inside Schwartz and It’s All Relative, she due for a good one.

I'm not sure what Pepper Dennis is about or even who Dennis is, but it stars Rebecca Romijn (no more Stamos), Brooke Burns and Lindsay Price. And as an added bonus, it also has the dude from Boy Meets World that wasn't related to Kevin Arnold. How did he get this job?

The Unit is about Delta Force agents starring Dennis Haybert, whom I will always remember as Pedro Cerrano, but most recently he played the president on 24, the Terminator (not Arnold or the chick versions), Amy Acker, the token hot nerdy chick on Angel, and Regina King who was Mrs. Rod Tidwell.

Freebirds is about a recent college graduate who goes from big man on campus to moving back in with his parents. Stars no one in particular.

If you would like to scope out next year's schedule check out at Ain't it Cool News. Also check back later next week as I hand out awards for the 2004-05 TV season and give a few select shows a grade on my Terror Alert Scale.

Star Wars Week - May the Schwartz be with You

I'm ending Star Wars Week with a post so big, it took three days to complete it. OK the main reason it took three days is because I was miserably sick for most of it. But at least it gives me a reason to take more NyQuil (check out my obsession for NyQuil here - NyQuil, We Love You, You Giant *cough*ing Q). And what's worse, due to illness I missed the latest Star Wars. They may have to revoke my nerd card for this. With Memorial Day next weekend, I'm sure I can fit it in, but avoiding spoilers will be the hard part. Today I'll be review the perfect Star Wars parody.

As I mention in my Blazzing Saddles review, nobody does parody better than Mel Brooks, and that definitely holds true for the quintessential Star Wars parody, Spaceballs. From Princess Leia's hair head phones to Pizza the Hutt. Instead of Darth Vader there was Dark Helmet, instead of Princess Leia, there was Princess Vespa, instead of C-3PO there was Dot, instead of Chewbacca there was Barf. Instead of warp speed there was ludicrous speed. Lone Starr played like a cross between Hans Solo and Luke Skywalker (get it? Lone - Solo; Sky - Star, OK maybe I'm pushing it). And of course there was Yogurt instead of Yoda.

There were not as many great quotes as there was in Blazing Saddles but there some great quotes from Spaceballs that will live on forever. "I bet she gives great helmet." "Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Starr: What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing!" “I see your Schwartz is as big as mine." "I knew it. I'm surrounded by idiots (Granted this the TV edit version as the movie is slightly different and does not pass the censors!" And who hasn't been robbed at gunpoint at their ATM, asks for their PIN number and answered, "1... 2... 3... 4... 5..." (Or am I the only one?)

Star Wars wasn't the only sci-fi film to get the Brooks' treatment, as Star Trek gets a slight jab as Snotty poorly beamed President Skroob down. And the alien popping out of a diner patron then puts on his own musical number. They even got the original Kane to reprise his Alien character.

Another trademark Brooks move is always going the extra mile for a joke, even if that includes braking down the fourth wall. He openly hawks Spaceballs crap (again a shot at Star Wars's marketing campaign), "Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower." And when the villains have lost the heroes, they watch Spaceballs the Movie while the movie is still going on. Yogurt even mentions that he and Lone Starr will me again in Spaceballs 2: Back for More Cash, which has sadly not materialized yet. Hopefully the prequels will inspire Brooks to show us how Dark Helmet came to be.

Spaceballs gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Sadly I bought Spaceballs shortly before I heard they were releasing a Collector's Edition, so I just have the bare bones DVD. I'm sure I'll upgrade as soon as I see the Collector's Edition in the bargain bin.

Star Wars Week - Original Bonus Material

Day four of Star Wars Week and I’m so jealous of those that who went last night to the opening and the response is so good I wish I had blown off my commitments, or just passed on getting any sleep last night, to see it myself. But a wise man once told me tomorrow is only a day away. Today I’ll be looking at the bonus material on the DVD set of the original trilogy. This includes about 5642 different trailers for the three films (give or take 1000, but there are quite a few of them), a massive photo gallery, a behind the scenes preview of Episode III (it has nothing new so I’ll refrain reviewing of it), a demo of the game Star Wars: Battlefront (my lack of an Xbox keep me from playing it), and a few documentaries that included:

The Characters of Star Wars

This was a documentary that chronicled the many changes that some of the characters of Star Wars went through from Lucas’ first conception until they finally made it onto the screen. Most interesting was that Darth Vader was given a mask late because the designer realized that he need a way to breath in a scene where he was walking in space. This then led the most memorable part of Darth Vader, his breathing. Another change that made me giggle was that Luke Skywalker was originally supposed to be a midget. Oh, how that would have been a different movie then. The most interesting par of this documentary was when Peter Jackson, of Lord of the Rings fame, said that 25 year later, most people don’t remember the special effect of Star Wars, it the character that have stuck in people’s minds. That may be the problem of the prequels is that Lucas cared more about the special effects than he did developing the characters.

The Birth of the Lightsaber

Here Lucas tells how he came up with the idea of the lightsaber and how he executed that on film. It was very interesting to see the split screen of a fight with the rough fighting and that with the special effects put in. The highlight though is how they came up with the sound of the lightsaber, a sound that every little kid has tried to emulate, or still does. Watching film of the guy creating the sound is worth the price of the set alone. As the credits roll we get to see Star Wars as seen through the eyes of the Simpsons and Futurerama. Again very entertaining.

The Force is with Them: The Legacy of Star Wars

Here we have filmmakers such as James Cameron, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, and John Singleton talking about their first experiences with seeing Star Wars. Then they talked about how the movie inspired their own movies such as Titanic, Alien, Lord of the Rings, and Boyz in da Hood. OK, Singleton seemed to be missing from this part. Basically this featurette was a fifteen minute love fest for George Lucas.

Empire of Dreams

I haven’t gotten around to watching this part yet as it is so long that it is the first documentary that I’ve seen that actually has its own chapter selection. Check back later for this review.

Star Wars Week - Bounty Hunter Review

I've collected Star Wars videogames ever since the Atari days. Some were better than other, but LucasArts has hit its stride putting out entertaining games one after another. I have yet to get the Revenge of the Sith tie in game as I'm avoiding all types of spoilers until I have seen the movie. Sadly that won't be tonight, but I will be seeing it this weekend. Don't expect a review of it either as will be too tempted to spoil things myself. Expect a full review when the DVD comes out. But back to the videogame theme, my favorite game that has anything to do with the movies is Star Wars: Bounty Hunter. And yes, I did get a copy with the Limited Edition Cover Art (not pitcured above). Granted it's only special in that it has Limited Edition Cover Art written on it and a different, yet cooler, picture of a close up shot of Jango Fett's helmet. Here's a review.

One of the most popular characters from the original trilogy was the bounty hunter Boba Fett. And being one not to pass up a marketing goldmine, George Lucas brought back Boba back for the prequels, showing up in Episode II: Attack of the Clones as the only son of another bounty hunter, Jango Fett, the prototype fore thousand or possibly millions of clones that populate the end of the movie. Star Wars: Bounty Hunter actually takes place between Episode I and Episode II and shows why Jango was chosen as the template for the clone army. The storyline of Bounty Hunter starts off with Count Dooku hiring most relentless bounty hunters to hunt down and deal with a rogue dark Jedi who threatens Darth Sidious' master plan. And whoever succeeds with then become that spawns the clone army. And for anyone who has seen Episode II knows who is going to win (or anyone who was paying attention earlier in this post). But knowing the outcome doesn't ruin the game.

The game play in the game is really smooth. The best part of the game play is Jango’s jetpack. If you get ambushed, all you have to do is power your jetpack backwards and shoot your enemy with your blasters. Other weapons that Jango uses throughout the game are missiles, a whipcord (think Indiana Jones) toxic darts, grenades, and a sniper rifle. How Jango can keep all of these at the same time is beyond me, but I’m glad he can. And since he has some extra time, there are a few bounties that Jango can pick up in each level which he can spot with his ID Scanner. Granted this option is a little tricky switching to this and back to the weapons with ease. But once you capture some one, or some thing, you unlock bonus material including outtakes and concept art.

Since Jango is not the only bounty hunter hired by Dooku, he is frequently running into his competition, Montross, who cares more about the kill than he does the money and Komari Vosa, a former Padawan. Jango even pick up an ally in Zam Wesell, who makes a brief cameo in the beginning of Episode II. He is also helped out by Rozatta, who is basically a female equivalent to Watto, Anakin’s former owner. Jabba the Hutt even makes a brief appearance. On his journey, Jango visits such planets as Coruscant and Tatooine.

Star Wars: Bounty Hunter gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Star Wars Week - Clone Wars Review

It seems that Statboy^* may not have done a very good setting the line in yesterday's Over/Under. There were a lot of over guesses. If you still want to play along, just scroll down a little and enter your guesses in the comment section. In today’s installment of Star Wars Week, I'll be looking at Star Wars: Clone Wars vol. 1 on DVD and also vol. 2, which has yet to find its way to DVD yet.

When I first heard that George Lucas was going to be doing a cartoon version of Star Wars I was a little hesitant. Then I heard that it was going to chronicle the Clone Wars and I put my nerd hat back on. The Clone Wars in the Star Wars mythology was a massive war that brought the rise of the Empire and the demise of the Jedi. Not even the prequel haters can complain about this. Then I heard that the episodes would clock in at 4 minutes. I've urinated longer than that. And so the nerd hat came off. That's a lot to ask to tune in for 5 minutes at 8:00, the start of the primetime. But I guess that why they invented TIVO (not that I'm cool enough to have a TIVO, I instead had to use the VCR). After watching the first couple episodes, the nerd hat came back on.

First thing I noticed about the Clone Wars series was that Lucas alleviated the number one problem that has plagued most of the movies, ear bleeding dialogue. A majority of the episode go without any talking. The major storyline involved Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker trying to take another world back for the Republic. But Mace Windu, Padme with her droids, and Yoda get their own screen time. Even little known Jedis Kit Fisto (an underwater, Bob Marley look-alike) and Luminara Unduli get their own mini-episodes.

The best part of the Clone Wars are the introductions (and sometimes demises) of some of the baddest characters in the Star Wars lexicon with all due respect to Darths Maul and Vader. Durge, with his flair for medieval battle, wipes out a bunch of clones with his lance easily. Plus his Terminator (Robert Patrick version) like tendencies makes him very hard to kill. Asajj Ventress is a (wannabe?) Sith whose is hired by Lord Dooku to be a thorn in Anakin's side. And the last episode features the baddest of them all, General Grievous, the only non Jedi or Sith that uses a lightsaber. And as an added bonus, he's also the only character that can wield three at one time. Grievous is the only baddy here that will make an appearance in Episode III, and I am interested in seeing how the pull him off on the big screen, especially the three lightsaber trick.

There were a few unintentionally funny things that happened during the Clone Wars. First has to be the appearance of Shaggy, of Scooby Doo fame making an appearance as a Padawan. I had to watch this a couple time because I though the Scooby Snack I was eating were making me hallucinate. Secondly, I cannot get enough of Yoda riding on his mini-horse, it good for a chuckle. Also, for reason unbeknownst to anyone, the started out the four minute episodes with a "previously on" montage and ended each with a "on the next Clone Wars." These end up being almost as long as the actual episodes.

Don't check out the Clone Wars vol. 1 expecting any furthering of any of the movie's plot points. Aside from the appearance of Grievous, there is nothing here that gives us any insight on what will happen in the future. Also, don't expect to hear Natalie Portman or any of the stars voices on the DVD as only Anthony Daniels lend the orginal voice to his cartoon counterpoint as C-3PO. The thing that irritated me most is in one of the documentaries on the DVD; Lucas stated that the Clone Wars were the most exciting part of the Star Wars universe. If that is so, why did you not make a movie about it then? He should have scraped The Phantom Menace, make The Attack of the Clones Episode I, and the Clone Wars Episode II.

Star Wars: Clone Wars vol. 1 gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

---

Not yet on DVD yet is Clone Wars vol. 2. Now we get five fifteen minute episode instead of 20 four minute like vol. 1. Vol. 2 starts off with a lot more dialogue than the first but luckily this trails off and we are left with more action in the latter episode. They were also were able to sneak in a little love story into one of the episodes. Also this season better bridges to Episode III with General Grievous kidnapping Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and Anakin becoming a Jedi Knight. I will wait until the DVD release for a more thorough review or rating it.

Star Wars Week - Over/Under

To start off Star Wars Week here on the 9^th Green, I thought I start it off with a little game of Over/Under. For those who are unaware how to play, here are the rules. The commissioner will provide you with a number and an explanation of what the number represents. Then you go into the comments section and guess whether you think the actual number will be over or under the number provide (an example is provided in the comment section). And unless your name is Michael Wilbon, you are not allowed to push (pick the number provided). Also, I have not read the book, played the game, seen an advanced screening, and I have avoided spoilers the best I can, so if you know the answers to the following, please do not ruin it for the rest of us please. Now on to the game:

It's time for the game that's seeping the nation, Over/Under. Let's get our first number from the commissioner, Statboy^*.

1. 3 - Total screen time in minutes for Darth Vader
   
2. 10 - Total Jedi killed onscreen
   
3. 5 - Number of original trilogy references not already mentioned in Episodes 1 or 2.
   
4. $30,141,471- Domestic opening day gross (This is how much Episode II grossed, Episode I took in $28,542,349)
   
5. 20 - The number of years before Star Wars Episode VII is released.
   

^*Statboy, Pardon the Interruption, and ESPN are in no way affiliated with Scooter McGavin's 9^th Green.

Record Executives Are Shady II

An update to my earlier rant. I just recieved this e-mail from the support:

Thank you for contacting us, Scooter. We appreciate your purchase of the Dave Matthews Band CD and will be happy to assist you with the music transfer.

Please follow the instructions below in order to move your content into iTunes and onto an iPod:

If you have a Mac computer you can copy the songs using your iTunes Player as you would normally do.



If you have a PC place the CD into your computer and allow the CD to automatically start. If the CD does not automatically start, open your Windows Explorer, locate the drive letter for your CD drive and double-click on the LaunchCD.exe file located on your CD.

Once the application has been launched and the End User License Agreement has been accepted, you can click the Copy Songs button on the top menu.

Follow the instructions to copy the secure Windows Media Files (WMA) to your PC. Make a note of where you are copying the songs to, you will need to get to these secure Windows Media Files in the next steps.

Once the WMA files are on your PC you can open and listen to the songs with Windows Media Player 9.0 or higher. You may also play them in any compatible player that can play secure Windows Media files, such as MusicMatch, RealPlayer, and Winamp, but it will require that you obtain a license to do so. To obtain this license, from the Welcome Screen of the user interface, click on the link below the album art that says If your music does not play in your preferred player, click here. Follow the instructions to download the alternate license.

Using Windows Media Player only, you can then burn the songs to a CD. Please note that in order to burn the files, you need to upgrade to or already have Windows Media Player 9 or greater.

Once the CD has been burned, place the copied CD back into your computer and open iTunes. iTunes can now rip the songs as you would a normal CD.

Please note an easier and more acceptable solution requires cooperation from Apple, who we have already reached out to in hopes of addressing this issue. To help speed this effort, we ask that you use the following link to contact Apple and ask them to provide a solution that would easily allow you to move content from protected CDs into iTunes or onto your iPod rather than having to go through the additional steps above. http://www.apple.com/feedback/ipod.html



Please let us know if we can assist you further.



Thank you.

Rob

SunnComm Tech Support


So they want me to copy my CD, then rip my burned CD onto iTunes? That would take about an hour to do all that. Or it might just be easier just to take the mp3 from my favorite peer to peer client in a matter of seconds. And what are we, the iPod/iTunes users suposed to do with the burned CD? We might as well give away that worthless CD, which in turn will make BMG lose money, the original reason for them to put the copyrighted material on the CD in the first place. So hats off to you, the BMG executive who came up with this idea because, you, my sir, are a moron.