The Closest You Ever Came to Being Black Was Watching the Cosby Show

In about two weeks Crash will do battle for Best Motion Picture of the Year at the Oscars as well as awards for acting, writing and directing for it’s powerful portrayal of race relations in Los Angeles over two days near Christmas. And by powerful, I mean extremely boring. Basically what the movie boils down to is two hours of white liberal guilt, the movie was written and directed by Paul Haggis, writer of Million Dollar Baby, and needless to say the liberal movie academy ate the movie up giving it six nominations.

The movie starts off with a car crash involving Don Cheadle (NFL Playoff Commercials) and Jennifer Esposito (Dracula 2000). Cheadle is really shaken up and goes off to la-la land before we head back to yesterday. I have to say the going back in time has become the most annoying plot devise currently used today in movies and television. There should really be a moratorium on using it. What’s worse in this movie, and this may ruin it a little, but not as much as watching it played off ruined the movie, but they never come back to this crash later in the movie unless I fell asleep and completely feel asleep.

Early on we are also introduced to two black men, Larenz Tate (of the wrongfully shelved Love Money) and Chris Bridges (who you may, or more likely not know as Ludacris) who complain how a white woman clutches her husband as they come closer only to carjack the couple. And knowing Bridges is a rapper in real life only makes his soliloquy against the genre cheesier. The couple in question is Sandra Bullock (Miss Congeniality 1 & 2) and Brendan Frasier (Encino Man), who is the District Attorney who is mad that being robbed by a couple black dudes may hurt retaining the black vote in the next election.

There’s also yet another good cop, Ryan Phillippe (Mr. Reece Witherspoon), bad cop, Matt Dillon (Herbie: Fully Loaded) tandem who pull over a black couple just for fun and the black dude, Terrence Howard (Mary J. Blige’s Be Without You video) just stands there and lets Dillon molest his wife, Thandie Newton (The Chronicles of Riddick). Just for fun, Haggis even threw in families full of Hispanics, Asians, and Arabs just so no one would feel left out. Well except the Indians are once again forgotten. At least you still have baseball teams that make light of your racial stereotypes.

Each of the characters eventually intertwines with each other showing up in other storylines much like a Lost flashback. But much like this season of Lost, it all becomes ho-hum when you see this happening mostly because you see it coming a mile away. Speaking of Lost, be sure to look out for Jin who makes a blink and you miss it cameo. Also don’t forget to look out for Tony Danza (The Tony Danza Show), in the most interesting scene in the whole film, as a movie producer who complains that an actor isn’t “black” enough, Priceless.

Crash gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.