It’s not a good sign when the two biggest releases of the week are from Clay Aiken and Fergie. Both suck in their own special way, Fergie had to join an already established group to make after her all girl group Wild Orchid failed miserably, while Aiken had to resort to reality television to get a record contract. Except he lost. He lost to a guy who eventually fell into obscurity. Now neither albums deserve their own reviews, so instead I’ll stage an old fashioned Toss-Up to determine which one sucked the least. Hey, it’s how I choose whom I voted for president the last two elections, so why wouldn’t it work for work music?
Got Their Start Karaoking OnAiken: American Idol
Fergie: Kids Incorporated
Winner: Fergie
Still in the Shadow of Fellow Karaokers
Aiken: Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, the dude he lost to and ever subsequence winner
Fergie: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Scott Wolf, A. C. Slater, Martika
Winner: Aiken
Controversy
Aiken: Bored housewives thought he was robbed of the American Idol title.
Fergie: Self proclaimed hip-hop purists thought she ruined the Black Eyed Peas.
Winner: Fergie
Makeover to Make Themselves Look Trendy
Aiken: Spiked up his hair
Fergie: Got her eyebrow pierced
Winner: Aiken
Should Be Sued by For Ripping Off Their Style
Aiken: Barry Manilow
Fergie: Gwen Stefani
Winner: Aiken
Should be Sued by For Destroying Their Song
Aiken: Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
Fergie: The Temptations - Get Ready (and yes this is the CW theme song)
Winner: Fergie
Album Title
Aiken: A Thousand Different Ways
Fergie: The Duchess
Winner: Fergie
RuntimeAiken: 55:34
Fergie: 69:21
Winner: Aiken
Producer
Aiken: Some dude named Jaymes Foster
Fergie: Will.i.am
Winner: Fergie
Written By
Aiken: Majority are established hits, but did co-write (with three other people) Lonely No More
Fergie: Wrote majority of the songs
Winner: Aiken
Lead Single
Aiken: A karaoke version Without You made famous by Harry Nilsson (and later Mariah Carey)
Fergie: The stick a pencil in your ear inducing London Bridge
Winner: Aiken
Guest Appearance
Aiken: duets with Suzie McNeil (also a karaoke loser from Karaoke Star: INXS) on Foreigner’s I Want to Know What Love Is
Fergie: John Legend plays piano on Finally
Winner: Fergie
Funniest Moment
Aiken: His version of Because You Loved Me (not to be confused with Celine Dion’s version)
Fergie: Ludacris’ sorry guest appearance on Gamorous (not to be confused with Slim Thug’s sorry guest appearance on Stefani’s Luxurious)
Winner: Aiken
Best Song
Aiken: Umm… Well…
Fergie: Let Me rephrase that
Song that Sucked the Least
Aiken: Without You
Fergie: Finally
Winner Aiken
So there you have it, if you like horrible music but only have money to buy one album this week, make it Clay Aiken’s A Thousand Different Ways. And for those wondering what other songs Aiken destroys before you pick the album up that weren’t mentioned above, they include: When I See You Smile (Bad English), Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word (Elton John), Everytime You Go Away (Paul Young), Everything I Do (I Do for You) (Bryan Adams), Here You Come Again (Dolly Parton) and Broken Wings (Mr. Mister). Now if you excuse me, I have to go to the doctor to remove the pencils from my ears.
A Thousand Different Ways gets a
![Terror Alert Level: Low [GREEN]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV5jUNMqnrEt-A-laO7HQcvH_2mssvEmU-3Ljc21QB95bE8gBS-ozxxmgUMEDQnUAPq4VYFmBlF5RIkGoiRjdCR8euNAtMTAaPmay8ZF4Lg3LY4TNqjAOq_3qDmalmC9AxLMIoVw/s400/small_low.png)
on my Terror Alert Scale.The Duchess gets a
on my Terror Alert Scale.
Don't forget that Fergie pissed herself on stage. That should be worth a couple points at least.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to block that from my mind, but thanks for reminding me. Back to the doctor's now.
ReplyDeleteDoes Clay Aiken still screech like a Redtailed Hawk and bare his talons when he's accused of being gay?
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I can't even remember who beat him on American Idol. Then again, the only winner of American Idol I'm positive about is Kelly Bundy and that douche from the Ford commercials.
I thought Fergie was in the Spice Girls or something of the sort. Oh, I see... Black Eyed Peas arethe Spice Girls, without the talent.
If I had as many hands as I do fingers, I'd given them both ten thumbs down.
"Here You Go Again" is a song about lusting over a man in tight jeans. And Clay Aiken says he's not gay?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, his manager should be shot. No one ever gets any money from doing only covers. Well, except maybe Micheal Bolton, but...ewwwww
Oops I meant "Here You Come Again". Too early. Not enough coffee.
ReplyDeleteXalpharis - What, did you just insinuate that the Spice Girls had talent?
ReplyDeleteAnias Nin - I didn't think that Aiken ever denied he's gay, he pulls the "it's not your business card." Plus it makes sense that he would record a cover album because he got his start butchering other people songs so why not continue that trend?
WOW- some of you need fact checkers. Jaymes Foster Levy is a FEMALE- the sister of the great producers David Foster. Clay has denied he is gay several times in different interviews going back to his Rolling Stone cover article -the biggest selling issue in over 5 years at that time. Quote, 'since I am neither a womanizer nor gay...' (besides, isn't he in a Catch-22 situation anyway???) About the choice of songs on ATDW - Clive Davis had a hand in chosing those songs and 'mandated' Clay record that type of album. (Najor problem for Clay, he hired lawyers to get him out of his AI contract early-only to have Clive call the shots after). Also, Clay really did WIN AI2-he received 80 percent of the votes every week he was on(facts backed up by TWO producers of AI)-do you really think his multitude of fans were going to then vote for boring, one-note Ruben the last night when Clay blew away even Simon with is incredible Bridge Over Troubled Water????? One phone line could not handle Clay's millions of votes. Even his mother only got 1 vote in and Ruben's mother got in 200. Tells you something, huh??? Common sense, for some reason, went out the window with TPTB at AI.
ReplyDeleteWow Mr(s) Anonymous, that was boring. I could care less who wins American Kareoke or how the votes are calculated. And seriously, who can you still care years later?
ReplyDeleteHey Scooter. You should listen to the album before shooting your mouth off. Clay's CD is excellent. He remade those songs into better versions than the originals. Bet you didn't know that "Without You" isn't a Harry Nillson song, or Mariah Carey either. Those artist recorded covers of Bad Finger's original song. But you didn't even look at the tracklist did you. If you had you'd know the CD isn't all covers and that he wrote a song on the CD. You're a snobby jerk who knows fuck all. Know your subject asshole or STFU.
ReplyDelete