I Got My Degree in Crying

Long time readers know my dislike of the national karaoke contest that is called American Idol. The show is usually loaded with singers who are not good enough to land a record contract without going on a reality show singing songs that are not all that good to begin with. And to back up my theory is that aside from original idol Kelly Clarkson none of the winners have really lived up to the moniker (granted Carrie Underwood found a niche fan base) when thirty million people watch the show yet they barely go platinum. But anyways.

The latest, and most surprising karaoke winner went to Taylor Hicks, a guy so old he actually older than me, and let be honest, if you are older than me, you by definition cannot be an idol. Even though I avoid the show like the plague, it’s very hard to avoid updates and people talking ad nausea about the show and whenever I saw Hicks was still in the running I would think to myself, Him? Seriously?” I always thought him staying in the competition was like back in high school where you vote the kid from the “special” classes to win the talent show just to make him feel good. But apparently a whole nation felt bad for him leading to the worst winning song in American Karaoke history, Do I Make You Proud? To answer the question, no. In fact “Weird Al” Yankovic asked a better question, Do I Creep You Out? And to that a resounding yes.

And so just like all the previous Karaoke winners, a rush was put on to get his debut album out before Christmas, and like previous albums, the rush shows. The album is chalk full of bland pop songs that aren’t helped by Hick’s who sounds like Michael McDonald if Michael McDonald actually sounded white. Just for good measure they even throw in the prerequisite Diane Warren song (Places I’ve Been). And if you think Hick pseudo-blue-eyed-soul is cheesy, wait until you hear him try to croon a balled. Also helping out Hicks is Rob Thomas (no not the guy behind Veronica Mars) who penned Dream Myself Awake, as well as an unreleased Bryan Adams tune, The Right Place. Hick even dusts off two songs he wrote for an earlier album (wait a minute, I thought American Karaoke was an amateur competition, how does he already have an album?).

One of the reason former contestant fail is most likely because your normal viewer much prefers their karaokers to sing other people’s songs instead of creating their own. Hicks alleviates that problem a little by adding a cover of Marvin Gaye’s Wherever I Lay My Hat (That’s My Home). And he also rips off samples Ray Charles What I’d Say on Heaven Knows. But when it comes down to it, the album is one of those after a half an hour you realize, “what that’s still on, I totally forgot I was listing to it,” the album is that boring. And being mediocre is actually worse that being bad. Say what you want about Paris Hilton (and I said a lot during her review: Since I'm Already Screwed Here's Message to You), but she managed to make the worst album of the year and there is something novel in that. Anyone can be mediocre like Hicks and the other Karaokers, but it takes a lot of talent (or in this case extreme lack of it) to be the worst of the worst.

Oh and if I were Snow Patrol, I’d look into copyright infringement for Hicks obsessive use of the similarly sounding silly catchphrase. Well maybe wait to see how the Mariah Carey/Mary Carey lawsuit turns our.

Song to Download - Dream Myself Awake

Taylor Hicks gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.