Worst Albums of 2006

Throughout the last twelve months I have reviewed over a hundred albums and sadly some of them were not exactly good thanks to record executives using non traditional ways to find new artist in recent years like reality shows. Plus they unwisely thought that just because an artist had a lot of friends on MySpace means that they can make good music. Now my list is only of albums that I reviewed since there way too many American Karaoke contestants that didn’t even win releasing albums and the My Chemical Romance album was so bad I couldn’t even make thought the whole album. So here’s the worst of the worst and if you are interested in reading my original review, click the link below the album, the album link goes to iTunes if you enjoy torture:

1. Paris - Paris Hilton
Since I'm Already Screwed, Here's a Message to You

2. Undiscovered - Brooke Hogan
Musings from the Back 9: VH1 Reality Albums Edition (third item)

3. The Dutchess - Fergie
Toss Up: Clay Aiken vs Fergie

4. Taylor Hicks - Taylor Hicks
I Got My Degree in Crying

5. I’m Not Dead - Pink
It's Hypocritical of You

6. Playing with Fire - Kevin Federline
I'm Kevin Federline, America's Most Hated

7. A Thousand Different Ways - Clay Aiken
Toss Up: Clay Aiken vs Fergie

8. FutureSex/LoveSounds - Justin Timberlake
Go 'Head Be Gone with It

9. Danity Kane - Danity Kane
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (second item)

10. What’s Left of Me - Nick Lachey
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (forth item)

11. Cassie - Cassie
It's Not that Deep

12. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
This Sounds like Disco Tetris

13. Press Play - Diddy
I'm from the Eighties NYC Five Percent of Culture

14. On an Island - David Gilmour
It's Just the Dice You Roll

15. The Day Has Come - Cheyenne Kimball
This Is Gonna Rock Until it Rolls

16. Blowin’ Up - Jamie Kennedy & Stu Stone
Goodnight Michelle

17. B’Day - Beyoncé
I Could Have Another You in a Moment

18. A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson
If You Want to Impress a Hick Then Make it Go Tick

19. In My Mind - Pharrell
I Know this Part Ain't Pretty but You Know I'll Be Busy

20. We Don’t Need to Whisper - Angels & Airwaves
Everyone Will Listen Even if it Hurts Sometimes

21. The Phoenix - Lyfe Jennings
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition (third item)

22. Goodbye Alice in Wonderland - Jewel
I’m Embarrassed to Say the Rest Is Rock n Roll Cliché

23. The High Road - JoJo
Your Chance Has Come and Gone

24. Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose - Meat Loaf
There Were Moments of Gold and Flashes of Light

25. Release Therapy - Ludacris
Musings from the Back 9: Music Edition III (first item)

Go ‘Head Be Gone with It

In a measure of full discloser, for the age ol’ debate of who from the boy band era sucked the least, I would always side with the Backstreet Boys. When it came down to, they were the better group to do karaoke to, and don’t try to tell me you and you’re boys never did a sing I Want it That Way at sometime in a drunken stupor. With that said, I won’t let bias taint my review of former the former *NSync member not currently making out with dude (well at least not in public), Justin Timberlake and his second solo outing FutureSex/LoveSounds.

The album starts out with the title track; well actually it is a little different as the song is entitled FutureSex/LoveSound because apparently the song just has a singular “sound” while the album as a whole has “sounds.” You’re a tricky one Justin Timberlake. The song plays almost like an intro that sets the mood with Timbaland futuristic beats that almost drown out the vocals that just repeat themselves anyways. Granted this intro drags on for almost four minutes, so the mood that is set isn’t a good one. The trend of futuristic beats follow for the next few songs making me feel like I’m in a techno club, but I haven’t taken the required mild altering drugs to make the music bearable.

Then about halfway through the album, the beats slow down and the song become more tolerable starting with the I Think She Knows (Interlude). It’s never a good sign when an interlude is one of the better songs on the album. This is actually attached to Love Stoned and in lies a major a major problem with the album, besides of course the music itself. A bunch of the songs blend into each other on the official track listing. To put it better there are sixteen different songs but there are only twelve tracks (if you are confused, check out iTunes or Amazon and it should make more sense).

Back to the music, once the tolerable arrives, it leaves just as quickly with the arrival of Oscar winners Three 6 Mafia. After hearing this song I have a better understanding why Crunchy Black left group (okay, I really have no clue why Crunchy Black left the group, or who Crunchy Black is, but I make it my mission to reference Crunchy Black as much as possible because it’s my new favorite name). And in his pitch to become the least credible rapper ever (which will be hard considering Nelly and Kevin Federline are still out there) the Antoine Merriwether look-a-like T.I. makes an appearance on My Love. Surprisingly his rap isn’t the most annoying part of the song as the intro could easily cause seizers and I would recommend pregnant women not listen to it. Then the once creditable Will.i.am shows up on Damn Girl (and the obscenity only get worse on the album as shown by the Parental Advisory sticker).

Then after fifty minutes of over-sexual music over headache inducing techno beats, TJ decides to make a social statement where he talks about how messed up things are in the world today on Until the End of Time. Ah, but wait, it’s all a rouse because he was using the end in near trick to bed some chick. Classy. And Prince better contact his lawyers because the song blatantly steals from The Beautiful Ones. On the next track Losing My Way, Timberlake makes a social commentary on crack but comes across as pretentious especially after saying, “I’m tired of trying to save the world” in the previous song. Then the song goes into almost parody mode when he brings in the church choir to close the song. I can just imagine JT in the studio thinking, “hey let’s bring in a church choir like on Man in the Mirror.” And we all know what happened to the dude who sang that song.

The album surprisingly ends with an actual song that doesn’t suck. Not surprising that (Another Song) All Over Again is the lone song produced by Rick Rubin who has worked on iconic albums like early Run-DMC ones and Johnny Cash’s American Recordings. The slow song recalls Memphis soul albums from the seventies to much effect. Now if Timberlake would recruit Rubin for his next album, make more songs like the closing track, and stop making inane goals like trying to bring SexyBack, that album may be worth listening to. And to that point, I don’t know why anyone would want to bring SexyBack because as a wise man once said, “It’s hip to be square.”

Song to Download - (Another Song) All Over Again

FutureSex/LoveSounds gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We on Award Tour - 2006 Video Music Awards

There were high hopes for this year’s MTV Music Video Awards after two years of well below sub-par shows. But in the end this year’s VMA’s were just as bad as the previous one with Jack Black somehow finding a way to be unfunny (and this may be a tipping point for Black after being universally panned for Nacho Libre). What was worse was for a show that has built itself of big stage productions and surprised guest, the performances seemed extremely low-budgets compared to years past and the surprised guests this year were Montel Williams, the little kid from the movie no one but movie snobs saw, and Lou Reed and the dude from ZZ Top who were most likely only there because The Raconteurs invited them. Here are more disappointing moments from the five hours of my life that I’ll never get back:

- Just as worthless as the big show was the hour and a half pre-show this basically was a vehicle for people to promote upcoming albums. Usually they have a world premiere video or exclusive interview, but nothing but two horrible performances.

- The show starts out with the chick from Kids Incorporated performing London Bridge, a song easily a lock for the Worst Songs of 2006 list. Blatant guided vocal track here as she didn’t even bother to even lip-sync half the time.

- Kurt Loder and John Norris must have something on the higher ups at the network because as MTV tries to distance itself from what it used to be (even refusing to even acknowledge it’s 25th anniversary) these two still show up every year at the VMA’s.

- Does the world really need a rock opera from My Chemical Romance? Really the world doesn’t need another album from them let along a concept album. But with the goth Sergeant Pepper garb, the creepy skeleton children’s choir, and the lead singer actually trying to sing with a fake British accent maybe the musical version of Jumping the Shark. Oh as for the premiere of their new song, it is easily a lock for the Worst Songs of 2006 list.

- Can we please end the Diddy era? The dude is now walking around with his own spokesman because he’s too elf important to talk. Really no one has capitalized on the death of someone else. Well except for all the Elvis impersonators.

- We start off the big show with Jay-Z welcoming the show back to New York City from a top of a building. This would have been a lot cooler had they not had the My Chemical Romance performance there earlier.

- Who ever decided the show should start off with a performance of a song that no one has ever heard should be fired. Worst show opening ever. When Justin Timberlake then switched to Worst Song of 2006 nominee SexyBack and brought out Big Head Timberland and a blatant guided vocal track, things didn’t get much better. What’s worse is it seems that the phrase Sexyback is going to overtake the go to phase for the corny old dudes replacing Fiddy (as in Fiddy Cent) after corny old dudes Al Gore and Jared Leto both used it.

- I kept waiting and waiting for the opening Jack Black skit to get funny, but sadly it never did. I think that it may have been the goal with the “everything going wrong” theme, but that’s just too high brow for me. Although I like how the MTV execs were the Douches. And what was with Black kissing everyone’s butt all evening? MTV really need to bring Chris Rock back.

- The first presenter is the straight from jail Lil’ Kim. Seeing her makes me wonder should you lose all the street cred you receive for going to jail but by getting released early for good behavior?

- The first shocker of the night was James Blunt for winning Best Male Video. I have a suspicion that this was a last minute decision to give him the award just to give his girlfriend some airtime.

- The least hip-hop song nominated wins Best Hip-Hop award. And up the irony quotient one of the Black Eyed Peas talked about how there is a place for positive rap as he picks up an award for a song about a woman’s naughty bits.

- Shakira and her Indian themed performance for Hips Don't Lie was probably the best of the night, but that’s not really saying much.

- Can someone please explain the allure of Jackass to me? Am I the moron for not finding naked midgets and dudes hitting each other in the testicles funny?

- Lil’ John is up next and tells everyone to get on the feet, but as the camera scans the place, everyone is as slow to get up as if a hymn started to play at church. But I can’t blame them considering it was just for Ludacris whose set looked like it was on a lower budget than most high school plays. Not a good sign for a song called Moneymaker. And had Ludacris not namedropped them, I would have never known that it was the Pussycat Dolls that came on stage at the end of the song.

- Speaking of the Pussycat Dolls, it’s sad tat we live in a world where they actually won a music award. But it’s nice that they thanked God for winning an award that tells dudes to loosen up their buttons. Classy.

- Jessica Simpson actually used the phrase “Push My Tush” while presenting the awards. I actually can feel my IQ dropping. Oh, and to follow up a story I broke here a couple days ago about her hooking up with John Mayer, just days later, Mayer posted on his blog that he really like the Public Enemy song Don’t Believe the Hype.

- OK Go redid their Here it Goes Again video with the treadmills step for step. What a waste of time. I could see the same exact routine on YouTube whenever I want, why would I want to see it live. The least they could have done was to screw p somewhere to make this performance memorable. Complete waste of time.

- What was on Paris Hilton’s head? But something has to be said that her album has been out more than a week and she has yet to perform a song live once. Even Ashlee Simpson’s people trusted her enough to lip-sync, it’s not a good sign that Paris cannot even be trusted to do that. Luckily she didn’t try doing it tonight instead she was just relegated to present the dude from Smallville and his band.

- Did some backstage dude grab Nicole Richie’s butt as she went onstage? I wonder if Nicole realized that Pink was making fun of her during her acceptance speech. I wonder if Pink realized that no one knew she was trying to be ironic.

- Did anyone else start to feel old when Snoop Dogg was talking about how all the new rappers were in diapers when he started? He then presents the Best Rap Video to Chamillionaire who said the best advice he ever got was to stay humble. Keep in mind this is coming from a guy who then named himself Chamillionaire.

- Guided Vocal Alert! Beyoncé gets no introduction and performs her second single off her new album. It’s never a good sign when a label has to rush out a second single before the album is never a good sign. Maybe we can expect that Destiny’s Child reunion sooner than later.

- T.I. is out next to perform a medley of songs I’ve never heard before and hope to never hear again.

- How funny was it that the dude who won Ringtone of the Year actually brought a list of people to thank? Apparently he didn’t get the memo that’s this was a joke award.

- It’s official, I am now totally sick of Fall Out Boy. And what was with the dude with the cape? The band is out to present Panic! at the Disco, or as I like to call it, a bathroom break. The performance would have been much better had the lead singer would have gotten hit with a bottle early in the song. If you want to see that happen, check out YouTube. Now that was entertaining.

- What's with bringing out the ten-year-old girl to the sounds of Rick James Superfreak. That is just totally wrong.

- I know that people like to make fun of past scandals but when your scandal is that you are horrible parents, it’s not a good idea to parody that sediment like Britney and her baby daddy did. Someone please send that tape to child services.

- Christina Aguilera for some reason to performed a balled. The massive guns she was showing off didn’t help with those drag queen comparisons.

- I thought they took out Michael Jackson from the Video Vangard award. Granted they have been sporatic giving it out lately. Hype Williams wins. It's sad that the rap cliches his videos created over a decade ago are still being used today.

- So AFI wins Best Rock Video and they were the only one all night who brings up the voting. This was something I was really wondering about, in the press release for the nominees, it mentioned that there was voting on the website, but I never heard anything about it after that. Nor did anything mention what the votes meant or if they meant why there was still a Viewer’s Choice Award. This is really bugging me.

- During one of their many mini-songs The Raconteurs changed the lyrics of historic song to “internet killed the video star.” Clever. Although this is about a year after I declared Podcasts Killed the Video Star.

- Worst Dressed of the night goes to Jennifer Lopez and her gypsy outfit. Seriously, who brought her out of obscurity? Can we quickly send her back there before she makes more crappy music? She appropriately presents Video of the Year to Panic! at the Disco, a crappy song to top off the crappy year.

- The night ends with The Killers. As the song ends they go to the nosebleed camera and just when you think they are setting up for something special, they cut back to Jack Black who ends the show.

Am I Throwing You Off?

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I though I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. I advise you to watch them before you read my reviews if you don’t want me to spoil things. (If you want to buy the video, the title goes to iTunes if available, inside the description goes to the song where you can buy.)


Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado featuring Timberland



Before I talk about the video, let me say little word about the song first. It seems like every time someone mentions this song they make a My Humps or Hollaback Girl comparison, but I think that’s totally unwarranted. With the He Said/She Said back and forth, Promiscuous the song is actually an off shoot of the 90’s rap classic I Got a Man. Now about the video I could talk about how hot Nelly Furtado is or the inexplicable Justin Timberlake appearance, but instead I want to talk about Timberland. If rap had a drug policy, Timberland would be slapped with a 50 day suspension by now. Dude makes Big Head Barry look like Barry Bonds circa when I Got a Man was popular. Oh and Nelly: I’d repect that if you let me hit it (I love the wiggle she does when she says that line) and what’s with JT being in the video?


I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie



This video hasn’t made its way to YouTube yet, so you will have to click over to Yahoo’s video section to see it. I Will Follow You Into the Dark is quite possibly the most romantic song ever about death. As for the video, I’m sure there is some deep meaning into the hole in the floor, oh, wait, it’s the “dark” referred in the song. I get it now.


Boston - Augustana



There was some confusion when I added this song to my latest mixtape. Boston is the song name, not the group that brought us More Than a Feeling. The video is pretty cool too and I love how the tide coming in syncs up to the crescendo of the song.


Rollin' with Saget - Jamie Kennedy



I have been meaning to check out Blowin' Up, but I somehow always seem to miss it as MTV because they have been showing the least interesting chick from Laguna Beach new show ad nasium. But after see the video for Rollin' with Saget, I may have to hunt it down. I hope you caught cameos by Uncle Jesse, George Lucas, and Tara Reid as Paris Hilton (and no, I won’t be showing her horrible new video anytime soon).


Crazy - Gnarls Barkley




Yeah, I could have shown the uber-cool Rorschach Test version of Crazy, but c’mon, it’s Chewbacca on the drums.

And just a reminder, Lyrics Quiz tomorrow, and as a hint, have you lighters ready.

We on Award Tour - 2006 MTV Movie Awards

MTV Award shows usually are as good as their host so I was a little skeptical when it was announced that Jessica Alba was hosting thinking back to the Lindsay Lohan Dance Off debacle of last year. Or was it two years ago; was there a Jimmy Fallon bombfest in between? And that in lies the problem, there hasn’t been a memorable Movie Awards host since Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar hooked up. Here’s a look at this year’s festivities:

- First we have to start off with the obligatory pre-show this time with guest reporters Rihanna and the dude from Fall Out Boy. And for those who think Rihanna sounds extremely bored when she’s sing, she was even more anemic while talking. As for Fall Out Boy, yeah Sugar We’re Going Down is catchy, but I’m totally over them since making the Michael Jackson sized video. Now it’s time for them to go to the pseudo-punk where all the other band of the like have gone after minimal success. Say hi to Good Charlotte while you’re there boys.

- Christina Aguilera announced her next album is going to be a double-album. Great that means twice as much music for me to ignore. Seriously, if I wanted to listen to jazz music, I’d break out my Ella Fitzgerald album; you really need to go back to coy pop double entendre like Genie in a Bottle.

- Not to be outdone by sports programs that have sponsored everything out except the National Anthem, the MTV Awards, instead of a Green Room, have the Neutrogena Amber Room. I shouldn’t mock too much because coming soon to the 9th Green is the Adidas Lyrics Quiz and the Scooter Hall of Fame brought to you by Heineken.

- Also seen multiple times of the blue carpet was Joe Simpson. Dude must have incriminating photo’s of very powerful people because I can’t understand how him and his daughters have stayed in the spotlight for so long.

- And now on to the big show with what I believe was a Mission Impossible 3 spoof (I only know this because its theme music played at the end). I have no clue why Topher Grace was there, but the whole bit was saved by Flavor Flav. I really can’t wait until the inevitable second edition of Flavor of Love.

- Luckily we are spared from an Alba monologue by Andy Sanburg as Mr. Google in a funny bit. Here’s a wild idea, why didn’t they have Mr. Lazy Sunday co-host the show? Or Dane Cook? Or any comedian not named Jimmy Fallon? Really, if I wanted to stare at Jessica Alba, I could have just googled her like the bit suggested.

- Another reason why the award show has gone downhill, instead of randomly picking presenters for comic effect (think Busta Rhymes and Martha Stewart) they resort to just putting together from the same upcoming movie much like having the cast of Superman Returns present Best Hero. Hopefully the verbal beat down Batman gave to Superman during his acceptance speech may lead to the much rumored Superman vs. Batman movie.

- For Best Kiss, Justin Timberlake routinely repeats the phrase “ranch hand jobs.” Yeah, that should really help stop those pesky gay rumors.

- Crap, a Jimmy Fallon sighting. And it’s for parody of yet another movie I haven’t seen, The Da Vinci Code. And what Movie Awards wouldn’t be complete without an Andy Dick sighting. And that begs the question, Where’s Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn?

- Should I know who Borat is? But anyways. The dude is out to present the highlight of the night (asides from Flavor Flav), Gnarls Barkley who were in full Star Wars gear with Chewbacca on drums. Classic. Between this performance and the uber catch Crazy, Cee-Lo is almost forgiven for raising a daughter who got her own My Super Sweet 16 episode (um, not that I watch that show or anything). In fact the song is so good, I may start my own cover band, Gnawn Bradley. And the Barkley karma was so good, Darth Vader promptly wins best villain.

- Alba wins the Sexiest Award and thanks all the perverts out there. Um, you’re welcome, I guess.

- It’s nice to hear The J. Geils Band back on MTV to accompany Adam Sandler out. He’s out to present the Best Performance, with his Click co-star of course. I really don’t like these new serious awards MTV are heading to. But the award went to the dude from Bubble Boy, so how credible can the award be?

- Aside from Alba in her underwear, the King Kong parody was a waste of time. Stay away from comedy Jessica and stick to, um, well, um, yeah, um, never mind.

- Christina Aguilera is out next as she looks more and more like a drag queen every day. C’mon, take out the fake breasts, stop putting stuff in your hair, lay off the excessive makeup, and return to asking me to rub you the right way.

- Speaking of shameless plug, Will Ferrell is out to run down the long list of sponsors in addition to those already on his jumpsuit. Not nearly as funny as the scene from Wayne’s World, in fact it wasn’t funny at all. And did anyone notice the blatant cut during his thing? But anyways. Ferrell is out to present Best Comedic Performance and apparently the Wedding Chashers duo split their votes because that’s the only way Steve Carell could win.

- The Silver Bucket of Excellence was awarded to Do the Right Thing. Again with the seriousness. Please stop. Remember the good old days when they gave these awards to Shaft?

- Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are teaming up again. Yawn.

- Thank goodness for the AFI performance because it gave me a chance to check out the end of the Astros game on TBS. Whoever suggested this band should be fired. Doesn’t the Red Hot Chili Peppers have an album to promote?

- Chris “Ludacris” Bridges I up next. Why does the rapper insist on using his real name for acting purposes? You don’t the clock dude going around calling himself William “Flavor Flav” Drayton, you don’t see Ice-T’s real name in the credits for Law and Order.

- Next up is the first ever MTV Generations Award given to Jim Carrey. Remember the good ol’ days when Carrey and Sandler won Best Comedic Performance every year? Those were good time. It’s interesting during his retrospective, they didn’t bleep out “There’s a lot of fine looking pussy here tonight” yet they did back when he originally uttered the line. Of course that was back in the day they were still banning the word “pimp” and now they even have a show with it in its title. Wow, I feel old now.

- Instead of the first time filmmaker award, we now get the student filmmaker award which was heavily edited. I give it two years before it’s edited out of the whole program like its predecessor.

- Sam Jackson is out to present the granddaddy of them all, Best Picture. But before he hands that off to Wedding Crashers, he gives a shameless plug to his latest film, Snakes on a Plane. Normally I go off on things like this, but since it’s Sam Jackson promoting something as silly as Snakes on a Plane, I’ll let it slide. Plus I was laughing the whole time epecially when he hints at the sequil, More Mother(Expletive Deleted)ing Snakes on Another Mother(Expletive Deleted)ing Plane.


As a whole, the awards were another borefest, but if you are interested in watching it, not only can you wait for MTV to repeated ad nausea, you can watch individual segments on their broadband channel, Overdrive. I highly suggest the Flavor Flav bit and the Gnarls Barkley performance and skip the rest.

Now for something unrelated to the awards but under the rule of ask and you shall receive, Annie asked for more “Weird Al” Yankovic, and it just so happens that Al is offering up his latest parody, You’re Pitiful on his website (click his name). So if you are a fan of Al or just hate James Blunt (yep it’s a parody of You’re Beautiful), this is a must download. I personally love the beginning of the song.