I Hope You'll Got Yo Playa Cards

I was first interested to R. Kelly in high school when a lady friend mentioned she recently bought his album 12 Play. The only song I had heard of his was the ode to sex, Bump n’ Grind. That wouldn’t be too surprising a girl listening to that kind of music today, but keep in mind I went to school a few years before girls started going wild. On my next trip to the record store, I decided to take a look at the album and it had such songs as Freak Dat Body, Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), and my personal favorite, I Like the (expletive deleted) on You. So as a teenage, I just had to buy it. Since then, I’ve bought one other R. Kelly album (the self titled one), and it also seems Mr. Kelly has gotten himself into some legal problems.

You can divide R. Kelly's latest album, TP.3 Reloaded basically into three parts, the party jams, slow jams, and the album closing five part hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet. The biggest problem with this album he avoids any uplifting songs like I Believe I Can Fly, U Saved Me, or even an I Wish type of song.

As for the party jams, all of them seem to be populated with sub-par rappers that do not stand up to the star power of Kelly. Whenever you bring guest appearances, you should always bring in someone who will make the song better not worse. The Game, the most boring rapper out today, brings an uninspiring verse on the opener Playa’s Only. Elephant Man (no, seriously, that what he goes by) completely ruins what could have be the album’s best jam, Reggae Bump, Bump. Baby just can’t compete with R. Kelly on Girls Go Crazy neither can Twista on Hit it Till the Mornin. Snoop Dogg is solid as usual but Summertime does come off almost as a remix for Snoop’s Signs.

The second part is the slow jams or as I like to put it, R. Kelly likes having sex. Lots of sex. In many different ways. The problem with that is that inherently conjures up images of Kelly, um, how do I want to put this, allegedly relieving himself on an underage girl. And yes, it’s safe to say it was his. As a wise man once told me, “You’re not going to let the captain of the football team (expletive deleted) on you.” So these songs are rendered useless because if any guy wants to hook up, he can’t put this album on and instead will have to reach for Boyz II Men because the last thing you want to do in that situation is to creep your girl out. The worst of the songs is Sex in the Kitchen that has too many double meaning that includes food. Adam Sandler did this years ago with the funny Food Innuendo Guy but Kelly doing a seriously version doesn’t work. And out of nowhere in the song Kelly screams “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad.” (Waiting to see if that gets by the censors. Mmm, apparently the censor doesn’t know the other meaning. Unfortunatly, I do) Let me just say ewwwwwwwww. That just leads credence to what allegedly went down on the video tape. I wonder if that can be admissible in court as a pattern of disgusting behavior in the bedroom?

But the highlight is the five part opera, Trapped in the Closet, that closes the album. The opera is quite easily the funniest thing ever recorded that didn’t involve “Weird Al” Yankovic. The opera is narrated by Kelly who woke up in a woman’s bed that wasn’t his wife. And apparently she is also married and her husband is on his way up the stairs. From there the opera has more turn than a NASCAR track. Each chapter of the opera builds up to a crescendo and end with a cliffhanger that rivals Desperate Housewives. For the end of chapter one, Kelly gives the play by play for the wronged husband, “He walks up to the closet, gets closer to the closet, now he’s at the closet, now he’s opening the closet, closet, closet.” I will not give anymore away as it might ruin the experience of the whole opera, but there were about ten laugh out load moments throughout the five chapters.

But wait there, is more. As if closing out the album with the hip-hopera wasn’t enough, the album is accompanied with a DVD of Trapped in the Closet with R. Kelly himself playing the lead character and other character acting out each five chapters. Nothing is funnier than when Kelly makes the sounds of a police siren, “woo, oo, woo, oo, woo, oo.” The DVD only is worth the price of admission itself and you can just use the CD as a Frisbee or something after burning Trapped in the Closet on your favorite mp3 player. For those who would like to see it for yourself 1st, check out VH1 tonight at 11:00 or you can stream the video on MTV.com.

Song(s) to Download: Trapped In the Closet

TP3:Reloaded gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Trapped in the Closet DVD gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

A Letter to Sanity’s Bluff

I originally planned not to post anything today so I could enjoy our (or mine to my foreign friends) nation’s birthday. But last night I was wondering around the web last night when I can across a site blog last night that had some bad things to say about the Live 8 and its message. As a fan as the show and the cause (scroll down to the next post to see my review) I was a little unhappy with this dude’s assessment of the concert especially since he didn’t do he research on the subject and printed some straight up lies. So I decide to write him a little comment setting things straight. Of course a little quickly turned to a lot as I wrote for about an hour. Then when I went to send my comment only to find out as I wrote, the dude turned off his comments. Hi received what he called “comment terrorist.” Apparently there were people leaving vulgar comment. Granted, I just call these people idiots as I fell terrorist is a little harsh. So instead of wasting my comment, I decided to post it here, so if you would please, hop over to Sanity’s Bluff and read Been to a Wild Part Lately? And read his original post than come back here to read my comment in its entirety. And feel free to leave you opinion on the subject in my comment section about either his post or my reply.

A Letter to Sanity’s Bluff

There are a lot of holes in that post. First off, Africa was invited to the party as there was a concert held in Johannesburg. The face of Africa, Nelson Mandela was there. Also Bob Geldolf brought a woman to the stage that was given 10 minutes to live 20 years ago and thanks to money raised by Live Aid, the young woman is now in college in Ethiopia. I dare you to watch this moment and not cry like a little girl. But apparently help did get to Africa.

Secondly, yes Africa is worse off then they were 20 years ago, but this due to years of civil war that make it hard to import humanitarian aid. Read Black Hawk Down to see exactly how hard this can be. Also high tariffs hurt the local economy on the continent.

And how exactly do you know that Bob Geldolf is “much richer” now than he was twenty years? Geldolf runs a non-profit organization and I can’t imagine that the residuals from his Boomtown Rats days to really bring in too much money these days. As for the other artist, I haven’t even heard from must of them since Live Aid except for episodes of Where Are They Now, and let me tell you, none are “much richer than they were back then. Now if you wrote that without knowing the facts, you are no better than Dan Rather.

Thirdly, it is very wrong to pigeonhole the people involved as liberals. I am a conservative, and I support their case. If you have seen the commercial for The One Campaign, you would also see Pat Robertson along side Brad Pitt and Bono in the ad. It doesn’t get more conservative that Pat Roberson. Bill Gates was at the event and nothing says corporate domination like the dude who runs Microsoft. They also brought in such “red state” acts as Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, and Mr. Courtasy of the Red, White, and Blue himself, Toby Keith. So to call these people (including myself) liberals is just plain ignorant, not to mention the “liberals” are already one step ahead of you on recruiting “conservatives” to their cause. Instead of suggesting that the liberal recruit conservative, have you ever thought maybe about joining the liberals on this issue like me and many other conservatives already have?

Fourthly, when you wrote, “aging rock stars, hungry for one more spotlight, and an assortment of dogooders” is doing a diservice to many of the acts that showed up. Members Pink Floyd have not taked for about thrirty years let alone performed together over that time. They did not get back together for big payday/reunion tour. They didn’t even get back together for “one more spotlight” when they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They got back together, as Rodger Waters said, because it was the right thing to do. Kanye West, at the risk of being sued, played the Live 8 even though he had an apperence in New Orleans on the same day.

Fifthly, saying, “more money was spend (Scooter’s note: actually I think spent is the correct tense, not that I’m a English teacher or anything, but anyways) pampering the millionaire musicians and their friends, than the total given by the 160 'artists’ participating in the L8 concerts, but they demanded charity from everyone else” is a diservice to everyone who donated their time to help make sure the consert ran properly. Also they did not demand charity from anyone as all the tickets to all the event were free.

Also you should suggest that Africa should turn to faith based charity. To take a page out of your ignorant page book: I got two words for you – James Baker. So how does it feel to be pigeonholed? I really doubt that a faith based charity will be able to raise enough money to settle the billions of dollars they are indebted with. And they defiantly cannot end the civil wars and economic turmoil that plagues the continent. The only people that can do anything substantial to help are the politicians. That is what Bob Geldolf and the people of his ilk learn from Live Aid and that is why Live 8 focused on encouraging those who can actually make a difference to do so.

In the end, Bob Geldolf and his ilk can go to sleep knowing they tried to help the continent of Africa. It may not be much, but at least it was something, which is at least better than just sitting at a computer and complaining about people who actually try to help. So what I would like to do now is to invite you and the people of your ilk to hop over to my website and click on The One banner and join myself (and like I mentioned ealier, even conservitives including Pat Robertson) to encourage the G8 to end poverty in Africa because liberals cannot do it on they own and neither can conservatives, everybody needs to help off. (Unless you don’t care that a child dies every three seconds because of poverty, then in that cause, just ignore this whole comment.)


Note from Scooter: As of 1:00 EST, Sanity's Bluff has put his comments back, so you can leave your thoughts about his post over there, but please, don't be a comment terrorist, or as I like to refer to them, idiots.

World Keep on Turning, Cause it Won't Be Too Long

Amazing day yesterday as I spent over ten hours glued to either my TV screen or computer screen watching the Live 8 concerts. I was a little disappointed in the MTV/VH1/ABC coverage as I was under the impression that MTV and VH1 would be doing two separate broadcasts with maybe one focusing on the Philadelphia concert and the other focusing in on the London concert. Instead we got one solo show just showed on two separate channels. What a waste of airtime. And being that it was MTV, what we got was small snippets of some the performances instead of full one or even full songs in most case. They rarely went outside of London of Philadelphia stopping into Paris once (Shakira), Berlin three times (twice for Green Day, once for Audioslave), Japan once (Good Charlotte), Canada twice (Jet, Simple Plan), Africa twice and they never went to Rome once. And there is a good list of great performers that didn’t even make it to TV:

Sarah McLachlan (with some dude named Josh Groban on Angel)
Brian Wilson
Snow Patrol
Ms. Dynamite
The Cure
Sheryl Crow
Crosby, Stills and Nash
Duran Duran
Barenaked Ladies
Byran Adams
Pet Shop Boys
P. Diddy
Lauryn Hill
Neil Young
Rob Thomas (Well that wasn’t much of a loss actually)

And the song selection was poor sometimes too. We had to sit threw Will Smith’s Switch when they could have let us see the classic Summertime or the cheesily entertaining Theme to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. So I found myself watching more and more from my computer thanks to AOLMusic.com. Here are some of my highlights.

Goosebumps moments:
- Paul McCartney with U2 in doing Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band live for the first time ever with some faux Beatles in Pepper outfits playing french horns
- U2’s set including their version of Unchained Melody
- Coldplay bringing out Richard Ashcroft to sing Bittersweet Symphony
- Black Eyed Peas with Stephan and Rita Marley to sing Get up Stand Up
- Kanye West backed by a Sting section
- Dido joined by Youssou N'Dour during Thank You
- The opening to Dave Matthews Band's Dreamgirl
- Robbie Williams singing Angels they way it supposed to - without Jessica Simpson
- Green Day covering Queen’s We Are the Champions
- Stevie Wonder and Adam Levane of Maroon 5 doing a duet on Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours
- Pink Floyd whole set, extra Goosebumps at the beginning of each song
- Maroon 5 covering Neil Young’s Rockin in the Free World
- Alicia Keys’ tribute to Luther Vandross
- Jay-Z backed by Linkin Park who did a faithful Public Service Announcement

Tear Jerkers:
- Bob Geldolf bring out an African Girl who, at the time of Live Aid, was only given ten seconds to live
- Annie Lennox playing Why over a montage of AIDS victims
- The finale in London with everyone singing Hey Jude with Paul McCartney

Other interesting tidbits:
- Snoop Dogg was able to get 5 F-bombs pass the MTV censors (and the N-word once). Granted he mumbles some and they weren’t part of the song. The bigger slip was they Pink Floyd let the blatant word in Pink Floyd’s Money or maybe they let it slip because it Floyd.
- Beyoncé wore a skirt that was as short as it could have been without showing off her Kootchiepop.
- I was a little disappointed that no one pulled a Phil Collins this year.
- The only American acts in Rome - Tim McGraw & Faith Hill?
- UB40 were introduced saying they were going to perform a medley of their hits. Shouldn’t it been a medley of other people’s hits?
- Who invited Randy Jackson? I had to laugh when I spotted him playing a tiny keyboard when Mariah Carey already had two keyboarders on stage with two large keyboards themselves.
- What was up with Stevie Wonder’s moustache/beard thing around his mouth? Who let him out of the house like that?
- There were a lot of lyric changes to reflect the festivities including U2, Sting but my favorite was Kanye West switch the line in Jesus Walks into, “And George Bush gets paid off of all of that.”
- When I saw you could download Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club from the concert on iTunes, I thought the whole concert would be available, but alas the only other song available (for now hopefully) was The Long and Winding Road. Click on the links to get them for yourselves.

If you missed the concert, AOLMusic.com is still streaming Paris, Canada, and Philadelphia. London was stopped sometime during the 1st rebroadcast and Berlin was taken offline sometime last night. Hopefully there is a comprehensive DVD coming because, even after all I watch, there is still a lot I missed.

Live 8

I'm currently watching the Live 8 concerts. Check them out for yourself at AOLMusic.com. If you missed it, they are rebroadcasting it there too.

Come In Here, Dear Boy, Have a Cigar

With the reunited Pink Floyd showing up at Live 8 tomorrow, it seems only right that my favorite Floyd album be the next inductee into the Scooter Hall of Fame. Granted Wish You Were Here was a concept album about the one member who most likely won’t be showing up this weekend Syd Barrett. To be honest, I’m not even sure if Barrett is even still alive.

I was originally turned on to Floyd during the early nineties when The Division Bell was released. Sonically, it was different from anything I have ever heard before. Then, like most of my generation who missed out on the Waters’ era, I went back and discovered their earlier work. Although most of the rest of my generation were drawn more to Dark Side of the Moon or The Wall, I always thought that Wish You Were Here was their best work.

The album somehow is able to have Floyd’s most adventurous song and it’s most simple song on the same album and makes them work within the concept of the album. Shine on You Crazy Diamond is a massive opus that bookends the album with parts I-V opening up the album and VI-IX closing it out. Each part takes the listener to a different place sonically even though only two of the parts feature singing. On the other end of the spectrum, the title track is a simple, but effective, song with dual acoustic guitars intertwining throughout the song. And even though the song was about their lost friend Barrett, Wish You Were Here is a great song to listen to if you are missing a friend, family, or significant other.

Filling out the rest of the album are Welcome to the Machine and Have a Cigar. Neither of the songs would be found on anyone’s top 50 Floyd song list, but both capture the “machine” of the music business and how it could drive someone crazy.

Artwork in another big aspect of the Floyd experience and Wish You Were Here has the most striking artwork in their history. It is a picture that appears to at a movie studio (or part of the machine) with two men (very seventies looking might I add) shaking hands. Only one of the men is on fire. Also the picture is bordered by a light yellow, but if you look at the upper-right hand corner, you’ll notice a little of the border has been burned off. It is very subtle and a great introduction to a brilliant album.

We're One But We're Not the Same

What I would like for you to do is to take a look to the left of your screen at the banner I have had up for a couple weeks. I’m sure you have all seen the annoying ads on the TV by now with the likes of Brad Pitt and Bono. But at the heart of the campaign is a good cause. They are trying to get the United States as well as the worlds other wealthiest countries to eliminate extreme poverty and global AIDS. As a fiscal conservative (unlike our spend happy President) I am almost always against more spending that will raise are already massive national debt, but the thought of people, including many kids, who die daily from starvation (50,000 or every three seconds to be precise) trumps any fiscal concerns I might have. So if you would like to join the cause, go ahead and click any of the links and fill out the simple declaration. While you are there, you can even pick up one of the wristbands that have become the official charity accessory (myself, I just stick with the solitary LiveStrong wristband). Also check out the Live 8 concert on MTV and VH1 airing this weekend featuring Coldplay, Snoop Dogg, Audioslave, Dave Matthews Band, Stevie Wonder and a reunited Pink Floyd in London. I hear a DVD will follow too, and even if it didn’t go to a good cause would be worth the cost with the Pink Floyd reunion.

We On Award Tour - 2005 ESPY Nominations

Another awards show that has been solid over the last couple years is the ESPY’s put on by ESPN. Granted I, and most like you, have no clue what ESPY stand for, but anyways. With MTV constantly putting on bad award shows (thanks Jimmy Fallon), the ESPY's are poised to overtake the MTV awards as the most entertaining award show of the year. Like the MTV Movie Awards, the awards are picked by us, the audience, so make sure you drop by ESPN.com and vote. Matthew Perry is your host and I feel he should at the very least do a solid job. The best part of the ESPY's, the Arthur Ashe Courage Award, has yet to be anounced. So here is the list of nominees and who I voted for. Keep in mind this is an abridged list as I could care less about awards handed out to Best WNBA Player, Best Outdoor Athlete, or the Best Person Who Can Only Make Left Turns.

Best Female Athlete
Seimone Augustus, LSU Basketball
Natalie Coughlin, U.S. Swimming
Maria Sharapova, WTA
Annika Sorenstam, LPGA

Who I Voted For: Natalie Coughlin.
Who Will Win: Maria Sharapova

First of all you need to eliminate Annika because a golfer should never be named best athlete. Then gold metals trump any other award and Coughlin got two last summer. And her vote has nothing to do with her being on my top 5 list.

Best Male Athlete
Lance Armstrong, cyclist
Payton Manning, Indianapolis Colts
Bode Miller, U.S. Ski Team
Michael Phelps, U.S. Swim Team
Vijay Singh, professional golfer

Who I Voted For: Michael Phelps
Who Will Win: Lance Armstrong

Again, for me, gold medals trump everything and Phelps’ eight tied an Olympic Record. But Armstrong has won the last two tears so I expect a repeat.

Best Team
Baylor Women’s Basketball
Boston Red Sox
New England Patriots
San Antonio Spurs
USC Football

Who I Voted For: San Antonio Spurs
Who Will Win: San Antonio Spurs

No college team has ever won this, and there is a good reason for that, so you can throw out those two teams. Boston/New England will split the vote, so I have a feeling that everyone will vote like me and go for the only team left. Unless Sox Nation makes some pact for New Englander only vote for one team. NC Basketball has to wondering how they got left off in favor of Baylor.

Best Coach
Bill Belichicken, New England Patriots
Pete Carroll, USC Football
Terry Francona, Boston Red Sox
Gregg Popovich
Roy Williams, UNC Men’s Basketball

Who I Voted For: Gregg Popovich
Who Will Win: Gregg Popovich

See Best Team for reasons. Although I think Williams has an outside chance with some pity votes, but he coached college where one coach has won. And surprisingly that was Gary “She’s Awful” Barnett.

Best Championship Performance
Deion Branch, New England Patriots
Matt Leinart, USC Football
Sean May, UNC Men’s Basketball
Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox

Who I Voted For: Sean May
Who Will Win: Curt Schilling

It’s a same that Schilling will win this award. After a year of crusades against performance enhancing drugs in baseball, an award will go to a guy who uses performance enhancing drugs. And if you don’t think what Shilling shot into his ankle before his games were not performance enhancing, you are naïve.

Best Male Olympic Performance
Michael Phelps, Swimming
Cael Sanderson, Wrestling
Jeremy Wariner, Tack & Field

Who I Voted For: Michael Phelps
Who Will Win: Michael Phelps

Phelps was the golden boy (pun intended) of the Olympics so he will win, and he should because of his record performance.

Best Female Olympic Performance
Natalie Coughlin, Swimming
Carly Patterson, Gymnastics
Team USA Softball

Who I Voted For: Natalie Coughlin
Who Will Win: Team USA Softball

It seems a little unfair to have a whole team in competition, but anyways. And didn’t Patterson choke in the team competition to cost the US the gold?

Best Play
Matt Brown, Wichita State Baseball
Chuck Caruthers
Blake Hoffarber
Tiger Woods at the Masters

Who I Voted For: Blake Hoffarber
Who Will Win: Tiger Woods

Blake, if you remember, is the kid from Minnesota who forced overtime his state championship game by hitting a three-pointer while lying on his back. Sadly, Woods will win by name recognition alone.

Best Upset
Bucknell Men’s Basketball (vs. Kansas)
Giacomo (vs. the field)
Puerto Rico Men’s Basketball (vs. Team USA)
Vermont Men’s Basketball (vs. Syracuse)

Who I Voted For: Bucknell Men’s Basketball
Who Will Win: Puerto Rico Men’s Basketball

Giacomo is eliminated because he’s not human. Many people had Vermont going deep into the bracket. Puerto Rico was an upset, but no one was that surprised, but on the other hand, Bucknell destroys many, including me, people’s brackets.

Best Comeback
Kayla Burt, Washington Basketball (Suffered Cardiac Arrest)
Mark Fields, Carolina Panthers (Cancer)
Rulon Gardner, Wrestling (Amputated Toes)
Jordon Sigalet, Bowling Green Hockey (Multiple Sclerosis)

Who I Voted For: Mark Fields
Who Will Win: Rulon Gardner

This is the hardest category as all are worthy of an award, but I have to say cancer is a hard thing to comeback from after all the radiation treatments.

Best Breakthrough
Danica Patrick, IRL
Ben Roethlisburger, Pittsburg Steelers
Maria Sharapova, Tennis
Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat

Who I Voted For: Maria Sharapova
Who Will Win: Dwyane Wade

Wow, Danica can turn left 1000 time (sarcasm). And like Wade and Big Ben, didn’t win anything last year. I’ll take a winner.

Best Record Breaking Performance
New England Patriots (21 straight wins)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts (49 TD’s)
Pat Summitt, Tennessee Woman’s Basketball (882 career wins)
Ichiro Suzuki (262 hits)

Who I Voted For: Ichiro Suzuki
Who Will Win: Peyton Manning

Summitt gets thrown out for caching Women’s Basketball, NE didn’t do it in a single season, and Manning’s will be broken soon with the new rules in place. So Ichiro should win by default.

Best Sports Movie
I abstained from this category as the best sports movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story was sadly overlooked.

Under Armour Undeniable Performance Award
Braylon Edwards
Misty May and Kerry Walsh
Terrell Owens
David Pollack

Who I Voted For: Misty May and Kerry Walsh
Who Will Win: Terrell Owens

I have no idea what this award is for, so I just went with the gold metal winners. Of course, this award make about as much sense as:

GMC Professional Grade Play Award
Lance Armstrong, Cycling
Curtis Martin, New York Jets
Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns
Pat Summitt, Tennessee Basketball

Who I Voted For: Lance Armstrong
Who Will Win: Lance Armstrong

Umm, I’ve ran out of something deep to say so I’ll just stop there with the predictions.



On a side note, I want to give a congratulations to my boy Craig Biggio who broke the record for most hit by a pitch in a career. To show just how big those hits are, Biggio scored on a third of his record breaking HBP’s. So I already know who I’ll be voting for next year’s Best Record Breaking Performance for the ESPY’s.

We R in Need of a MusicalReVoLuTion

And that is what you will get with the debut major label album by Esthero. She definitely isn’t like Britney or Ashanti, two artist who she takes potshots in the opening track off of Wikked Lil’ Grrrls. MTV and the radio, and their repetitiveness, are also a major target in the first track We R in Need of a MusicalReVoLuTion. But after the brass opening track, Esthero mellows out for most of the rest of the album.

Esthero’s strong suit is that she can switch and mix up genres better than any one out there today. Most of her music has an old-time feel with the infusion of jazz and soul yet some songs do have modern hip-hop and dance grooves. This is most evident in the title track of the album that has a ragtime feel to it. And the music is provided mostly by musicians, not a drum loop played over and over again. And many different instruments are utilized throughout the album. The bouncy Everyday is a Holiday (With You) sound like a Chicago song with the horns section. Well that’s if Chicago had a female lead singer.

There a few high profile guest spots on the album with Sean Lennon Everyday is a Holiday (With You) and Andre' 3000 on Junglebook and Cee-Lo Green helps out on Gone. Cee-Lo does stick out like a sore thumb on an otherwise great track, and it would had been better if he had been left off the song.

Song to Download - Wikked Lil’ Grrrls

Wikked Lil’ Grrrls gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We Tease Him a Lot...

In yet another mind numbing decision for the Cavs this offseason, the team brought back one of their biggest bust of all time, Danny Fairy. So now the Cavs now have a novice general manager and a novice head coach. I can’t imagine they will do any better than the Paxson/Silas duo. I have this theory that the owner, Dan Gilbert, has a master plan where he runs the team in the ground for so long that they bring back the Major League movie franchise but instead focus on Cleveland basketball team. Then Gilbert will make crazy money off the box office revenue. . Seriously, with Usher as a minority owner, that script writes itself.

Although I guess Fairy does know a lot about how having one stiff taking too much of the salary cap as he hurt they Cavs with his cap hit during the early nineties. I’m say Fairy was the reason I jumped ship from the Cavs at the time to start rooting for the Supersonic (you know, back when they were Super), but I was a big Ron Harper fan in my youth. And still am as I still have a Cavs poster circa 1988 with him, “Hot Rod” Williams, Larry Nance, and Mark Price. Ironically, well not really that ironic, this was around the last time the Cavs were competitive. Fairy was even asked if he would have made that trade with him and Harper. Fairy just laughed and said, “No comment.”

But at least the Cleveland teams are consistent in they fleece the championship teams. So whoever is the bench coach for the World Series champs this year, be prepared to get a season pass to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame because you just may be the new skipper for the Indians next season.

Bye the way, the title is a Welcome Back Kotter reference. Granted I was being a little more cynical than John Sebastian.

No One's Gonna Save You From the Beast About to Strike

So what would happen if you replaced the hero of a zombie movie with a bubbling slacker? Well if you are British, you get Shaun of the Dead. The movie starts out following Shaun around his mundane life. He’s still working at a computer store. He still sits in front of the TV flipping channels with his buddy Ed, who is a bigger loser than Shaun is. But his world comes crashing down when his girlfriend dumps him. Oh and the whole city is being turned into zombies, not that Shaun or Ed even notice. That’s until Ed notices a weird girl hanging out in their garden. This gives Shaun the idea on how to get his girlfriend back, sweep her off her feet and take her to safety. But Shaun and Ed are no Will Smith and Bruce Willis so hilarity ensues.

The major problem with the movie is that their too many spots in the movie where the scenes are not funny or scary. With a movie that mixes humor with gore, there should be a least one going on at all time. Another problem with the movie is that there is some things that are lost in the translation as it is a British film. While I was watching it, I wondered out load, “Why would Shaun have a paddle in his shed and why would he grab that?” Someone then pointed out that it was a cricket bat. And there were a few places where the British slang just went over of my head.

The DVD extras include the usual trailer, documentaries (extremely boring), deleted and extended scenes (good choice taking these out), and blooper reel. One very inventive feature was the inclusion of comics that plugs so holes in the story. No if only every movie did this. Also, during the film, Shaun and Ed flip through the TV pretty quickly, so in the extra they show extended versions of what they flipped past including a interview with Coldplay who lost some of their members to the zombies and what looks to be the British version of Jerry Springer.

With everything that had be popular oversees, I predicted we will get an Americanized version of Shaun of the Dead (spelled Shawn instead) within five years with Stifler as Shawn, Jack Black as Ed, Kate Bosworth as Liz, the nerdy dude from The O.C. as David, some token hot chick as Dianne, and Burt Reynolds as Phillip. And in hopes to rejuvenate his career, Michael Jackson will don the Thriller makeup one more time to be the head zombie that leads the other zombie in a zombie dance. Just make sure Shawn grabs a baseball bat out of the shed.

Shaun of the Dead gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Car Mix - June '05

Here is a list of the songs I'm listening to right now that fit on a single CD:

1. American Baby Intro – Dave Matthews Band
2. American Baby – Dave Matthews Band
3. Speed of Sound – Coldplay
4. Ashes – Embrace (Even though this is the best song from their album, you may want to check out the song Gravity which is free on iTunes this week.)
5. Since You Been Gone (Jason Nevins Remix) – Kelly Clarkson (I have already chronicled my love of this song a few times – I’m Soooooooooooooooooooo Moving On.)
6. Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots of Money) – Pet Shop Boys (The theme to my favorite new show of the summer, Beauty and the Geek. Stayed tune for a full review of the show coming soon.)
7. One Word – Kelly Osborne (I never though I’d like a song from her, but she did make a smart move going away from rock and into techno where it can hide poor singing ability. Ashlee Simpson, take note.)
8. Till I Get to You – Nikka Costa
9. 1 Thing (Remix) – Amerie & Jay-Z
10. Diamonds (From Sierra Leone) – Kanye West (A full review of this song and the accompanying video should be up in the next few days.)
11. Dreams – The Game (I don’t care too much for the Game, but the Kanye West production makes up for the lackluster rhyme skill.)
12. The Corner – Common, Kanye West, & Last Poets (The best rapper than no one listens to gets a little help from the best producer of the moment.)
13. You’re Gonna Luv Me – Da Backwudz (This song really sounds like it was produced by West with the sped up chorus.)
14. (Expletive deleted) Ain’t (expletive deleted) – Dr. Dre & Snoop Doggy Dogg (My love of the Ben Fold version made me dust off my Dre album just to hear the original.)
15. (Expletive deleted) Ain’t (expletive deleted) – Ben Folds
16. The Right Time – Joss Stone (yes this is the one from the Gap commercial. Get it for yourself, it free from the gap link. Or if you like paying, click the other link.)
17. Chariot (Stripped) – Gavin DeGraw
18. Breathe (2 AM) (Live - Hotel Café) – Anne Nalick

Musings From the Back 9 vol. VI

Found this over on Moxiegrrrl's website and can’t wait to get my hands on it. Although I can’t seem to find it for pre-order over at the Microsoft Store.

- I have tried to avoid commenting or even watching/reading about the Michael Jackson trial because I find no humor in a child molestation trail. Well that was until Triumph the Insult Comic Dog went to the trial. Check it out for yourself.

- I received my latest Rolling Stone magazine yesterday. Well the problem is actually I didn’t, what I did receive was the cover, and just the cover, in a plastic bag with a note from the United States Postal Service for damaging my mail. Umm, you didn’t damage my mail; you didn’t send me my mail. Damage would be ripping a page (which they have done before), you didn’t sent and entire issue. And to make things worse, they lost a double issue. So if anyone wants the Rolling Stone with Jessica Alba on the cover, shout me a holla dogg.

- Today is a sad day here on the 9^th Green as the pin has been lowered at half mast as one of my favorite whipping boys has reportedly decided to retire. Yes I’m referring to the great white hope from BYU, Shawn Bradley. Bradley must hold the record for appearing on the most number of posters in NBA history and he did it without ever being the focus of the poster. In honor of Bradley’s retirement, I must break out NBA Jam Extreme one more time for a classic Big Head Bradley vs. Big Head Muresan one more time.

- Weird Search(es) of the week:
rachael mcgavin from the notebook (Google)
hat does ryan gosling think about rachel mcadams kiss? (Google)

When did I become the authority on all things The Notebook? And these are just the tip of the iceberg as I picked out the most interesting ones, and no, I didn’t copy them wrong, that’s the searchers’ mistakes. Sadly, putting these her will most like only increase The Notebook volume to the 9^th Green.

The Price Is Wrong Bob

Last night, the American Film Institute ran down the top 100 Movie Quotes of All Time. No, I didn’t watch it because I found it easier to take five minutes to read the list (check it out here) rather than watch the three hour broadcast, not to mention the premier of Rescue Me was on. Granted, had AFI brought in the I Love the 80’s commentators, then maybe I’d watch it. Beside the lame commentary, the biggest problem is whenever I see an AFI list, I immediately have to slap the phrase “According to Old People” at the end. So this was the Top 100 Movie Quotes According to Old People. They even said this list was judged by 1,500 film artists, critics and historians. Historians? OK if they were creating a list of the greatest Pharaoh, than yeah, bring in some historians, but not for films. So what we get is a list full of movies even older than my parents. I think there were a few that were even older than my grandparents.

So since the list was made up by people who were born between the two World Wars, there were many good quotes that were left off the list, here are a few omissions:

Where all the white women at? Or basically anything from Mel Brooks repertoire.

I sneeze in your general direction. Or anything involving Monty Python.

The price is wrong (Bob). Or anything that has come out of Adam Sandler’s mouth.

Honey, you got a whole lot uglier. Or anything involving Bruce Campbell.

Indiana was the dog’s name. Or anything from the greatest trilogy ever.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.


And those are just the ones that are coming off the top of my head. I’m sure if I thought about it more, I could come up with my own 100. But the biggest omissions was that they put, “May the force be with you” at number eight yet, “Luke (dramatic pause) I am your father” was no where to be found. The father quote could easily top the best quote list. Seriously, I really hate old people. Next time you do a list, please send me ballot so the average age can drop a little bit.

Another absurd list that graced my TV recently was the top 100 Child Stars list on VH1. At the bottom of the list there was Christina Ricci at 97. She was the go to kids of the 90’s and was in such kids movies as the Addams Family movies and Casper the Friendly Ghost. But the biggest “huh” moment was they actually had Gary Colman at number one. Just because he has look like a child the longest doesn’t make him the greatest child star ever. If you look at 2-5 you have Macaulay Culkin, the Olsen Twins, Jodie Foster, Drew Barrymore all of who should have been higher than Colman. But come to think of it, this from the same people who named Oprah as the number one Pop Icon in American history, so that just taints any list they ever make. Well until they let me cast a ballot. (Note to VH1 – call me.)

Don't Keep Pacing, Make These Dudes Blow Their Pistons

It looks as if the NBA will be avoiding a lockout next season as if it was even a possibility as David Stern has more power in the league than Castro has in Cuba. The changes made in the Collective Bargaining Agreement will help make the game better but not by much as there was very little change at all. First, the maximum number of years a free agent can sign for was reduced from seven to six. Long guaranteed contracts have long been a curse in the NBA as once players sign that first contract; they just go out and play at half speed until they are up for another contract. Let’s call this the Shawn Kemp Rule. Another change is now, veterans are tested four times a year for enhancement and recreational drugs. Sorry Damon Stoudamire (and reportedly 70% of the league).

But f course the big news is the raising of the age limit to 19 (or wait one year after graduating high school for American players). This is something I’ve been whining about ever since I stopped watching basketball on a regular occasion about five years ago. That is when the players started to forget how to play and concentrated more on how to make a good poster pose (*cough Vince Carter cough*). This could all be traced back to a lack of fundamentals that are not being taught by NBA coaches who expect that their players already know them.

One pro-high schoolers argument that bugs me is the “Look at KG, Kobe, Jermaine O’Neal” argument. If we take a trip in the Scooter Time machine at each of the player’s first couple years – when we get there, we will see all of them as bench warmers and waterboys, with emphasis on boys. None of them contributed anything until garbage time and O’Neal did do anything until he jumped to Indiana. Of course then come the Amare and LeBron mentions. Yes, they both had monster rookie years, but in a stars’ league, where were they come playoff time? Watching on TV. Amare need a MVP to get into the playoffs and LeBron is still watching on TV. In fact how many of the high schoolsers have contributed to a championship team? Kobe, the white girl slayer, is the only one that I can think of, and we all know that Shaq was the reason they got the rings.

So hopefully these minor changes do improve the game next year. But the only reason anyone will be watching the NBA at all next year will be because it will mark the return of a star off his one year sabbatical. No, not Phil Jackson, I mean the Malice at the Palace himself, Ron Artest. He is now the new Mike Tyson, you never know when he will snap, charge into the stand and bite some one’s ear off. NBA – I love this game. And hopefully Jim Grey will be there when Artest snaps too because there nothing funnier than Grey’s face last year after the riot happened. I have never seen a grown man that scared before. Maybe next time he will start sobbing.

In more NBA news, Andrew Bogut brought an actual paper résumé to his workout for the Bucks the other day. I hears the Bucks were leaning towards taking Marvin Williams with the number one pick in the draft until they saw Bogut’s impeccable work he put in a Bob’s Big Boy in high school.

In other sports news, the Chicago Black Hawks (to refresh your memory, it’s an NHL team), just fired their coach. This beggs the question, what is worse right now, being fired from the NHL, or still having a job with the NHL?

Oh, and one more NBA note, supposedly there is a finals game on tonight. Isn’t July yet?

Record (and Movie) Executives Are Shady III

I was recently perusing the upcoming releases when I noticed that Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (Unrated Version) is being released on July 12th. Great, now I get to see one of my favorite comedies of recent memory the way is was supposed to be seen. The only problem is that I bought the rated version a couple months ago when it came out. I even got a complementary Dodgeball head band with my purchase. Granted, the headband fits better as a wristband, but anyways. This is a problem that has really irked me for a long time as I buy a DVD only for them to release a better version latter. So now I get to add Dodgeball to the list that already includes Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Army of Darkness, Spaceballs, and The Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore Collection (Special Edition). So at $10-$25 the cost will start racking up to repurchase each of the items, none of which I’ve done yet.

And as you can tell by the title, I’m not letting my least favorite industry off the hook either. They too have been known to re-release special albums. On my list of CD I already own but would like to get include Weezer’s The Blue Album, Bob Marley’s Legend, and The Clash’s London Calling. Again I have yet the desire to purchase these items again, but unlike the DVD’s, I do have the options to download the songs in questions. But my main problem with that is when I want a whole album, I want it on CD and they do not sell just the special CD anywhere. And the movie and music companies wonder why people steal their products. I can’t speak for the pirates and Robin Hoods of the world but this might have something to do with it.

The Best of Billy Joel

Every once in a while I like to create a CD that brings together my favorite songs of artists where I have a lot of their albums and songs. So periodically I will post the CD’s I made in case anyone was interested in making their own. First up is one of my childhood favorites, Billy Joel. I have all of his Greatest Hits albums and most of his other albums, granted most of those are on cassettes. Feel free to comment on what I’ve left off, and what you would trade it with, as there were a few great songs left off due to time restraints. My compilation comes in at 76:00.

1. She's Got a Way - Cold Spring Harbor (1971) 3:00
2. Piano Man - Piano Man (1973) 5:36
3. Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) - The Stranger (1977) 3.28
4. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant - The Stranger (1977) 7:33
5. Just the Way You Are - The Stranger (1977) 3:36
6. She's Always a Woman - The Stranger (1977) 3:17
7. Only the Good Die Young - The Stranger (1977) 3:53
8. Big Shot - 52^nd Street (1978) 3:43
9. My Life - 52^nd Street (1978) 3:51
10. You May Be Right - Glass Houses (1980) 4:09
11. It's Still Rock & Roll to Me - Glass Houses (1980) 2:54
12. Allentown - The Nylon Curtain (1982) 3:48
13. Uptown Girl - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:15
14. The Longest Time - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:36
15. Tell Her About It - An Innocent Man (1983) 3:35
16. A Matter of Trust - The Bridge (1986) 4:12
17. We Didn't Start the Fire - Storm Front (1990) 4:49
18. Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - River of Dreams (1993) 3:34
19. The River of Dreams - River of Dreams (1993) 4:11