I'm Sorry, You're Just a Tool

“I’m sorry, you’re just a Tool” may never reach the pantheon of parting snarkiness of reality shows like “The tribe has spoken” but that certainly hasn’t stopped me from uttering the phrase ad nausea for the past two months. From Michael Phelps and Alex Rodriguez for their “young and stupid” excuses, to Rush Limbaugh and Rohm Emanuel arguing over who wants to get us out of economic mess less; there are no shortage of Tools out there.

With the overabundance of Tools around these days, VH1 (naturally) rounded up the nine biggest Tools in America who were stupid enough to think they were actually competing for the title of Mr. Awesome. But much like life, the joke was on them as their girlfriends had enrolled them in the Tool Academy to make them better people and boyfriends. But on the bright side, to get into this charm school they didn’t have to make out with Bret Michaels or Flavor Flav.

Nor did they have to be judged by one of the least classy person in America, or England for that matter in Sharon Osborne. Instead we get “relationship expert” Trina Dolenz, who may or may not be related to the dude from The Monkees. Granted she was just a pasty because like all of these “better one’s self” shows, the eliminations were arbitrary and inconsistent where most eliminations were not because they were the biggest Tool but they made for the least interesting television. Which is what kept Tommy and Shawn around to the final four when they should have been the first two out based on their actions.

The one misstep the show took was they each Tool their own moniker, such as Tiny Tool and Naked Too for the two finalists, but still had the host go by their own name, or silly self given pseudonym like Matsuflex and Celebrity, when they should have taken a page out of Flavor Flav’s notebook and continually call them by their Tool given name. Other than that, there were not any other flaws aside from the stupid girls who decided to stay with their Tools despite getting kicked out early (two of the nine decided to not break up with their expelled Tools despite stating the Tool Academy was the last stop). Although we will have to wait until next week at the reunion show to see if they kept their snap judgments.

In the end Josh was the lone Tool to graduate and got his very first diploma ever. And in a twist I would guest the other Tools were happy to avoid, the host said that their families were waiting to get married right there and then. Granted I debate the validity of the union because what self respecting minister would officiate a wedding on a show called Tool Academy? And he conspicuously didn’t mention who vested the authority of him to deem such a thing legal. But in the end IO hope they rush into production Tool Academy2 and if we are really lucky we may one day get a Celebrity edition featuring some of the earlier mentioned Tools. Or possibly a spin off realty show where Matuflex, his girl Jenna Fenton move in with her Deacon father.

Tool Academy gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.