The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least

It is not a good sign for next season when the biggest news coming out of the Upfronts this year was Britney Spears judging a singing competition. And just when you thought The X-Factor could not be an even bigger joke, they hired a nineteen year old Demi Lovato, who is probably best known to the general public as someone who went to rehab to sit next to Britney. At least Britney is also known as a horrible singer in-between her rehab stints. Now let me go back to believing Fox does not exist.

But the most important news of the week did not even come from the networks, but instead from cable network TBS who announced during their Upfronts that they have hired a pilot presentation of a show called Norm MacDonald Is Trending. It is described as, “SNL alumnus and former "Weekend Update" anchor Norm MacDonald hosts as he and his team of correspondents sort through the churning mass of pop culture and social media to pull out the funniest, most bizarre and entertaining events so you don’t have to.” Just order that to series now TBS.

Usually around this time I take a look of all the promos for upcoming shows for next season and come up with my premature list of the best new shows of next season, except there were not really any shows that excited me that were announced (is it too late for ABC to pick up the Mandy Moore sitcom?). So this is an election year where I usually not vote for the best candidate but instead vote for the candidate I think sucks the least, here is my list of The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least:

1. Last Resort (ABC): Want to know just how bad this year’s crop of shows is? The best one can best be described as a serious version of Gilligan's Island. But I do like creator Shawn Ryan (Terriers) and actors Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age), Autumn Reeser (No Ordinary Family), and Jessy Schram (Veronica Mars), features a recurring Robert Patrick (Terminator 2) it does have the coolest premise: a nuclear submarine the refuses an order to take out Pakistan and becomes a rogue nation with its own nuclear weapon to keep them safe. Of course because of all that and its Thursday at 8:00 timeslot (which has been the ABC death slot since Ugly Betty stated to tank about four years ago), Vegas will probably put the Over / Under of episodes at 5.

2. Animal Practice (NBC): For some reason I kept thinking that the show was a drama until I saw the trailer. A trailer that featured the monkey from The Hangover Part II as a doctor. I also give this show five episodes (it is going up against established comedy The Middle, Survivor and the trainwreck that will be Britney Spears), but I will enjoy all five of them.



3. The Neighbors (ABC): A sitcom starring Jami Gertz: pass. But it also stars aliens that named themselves Jackie Joyner Kersey, Reggie Jackson, Larry Bird and Dick Butkis: yes please. If ABC does not get the rights for an Alf cameo I will be severely disappointed.

4. Nashville (ABC): I have some good news and bad news about the show. The good news is that it stars Tami Taylor. The bad news is it stars the annoying cheerleader from Heroes. Is it too late to recast her with Julie Taylor?

5. Friend Me (CBS): McLovin on CBS? A premise so stupid it may work. But to work it definitely needs a name change before hitting airwaves because it is the worst titled new show of the season not named How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life).

And since there is an abundance of horrible looking shows that will be hitting the airways next season, here is a list of The Five Shows Networks Could Not Pay Me to Watch (for at least under $100).

1. Revolution (NBC): Since J.J. Abrams is a hack who only deals in high concept / low rewards I had no hopes that the show would be any good. Then I got a look at the trailer and it managed to slither under the bar of my low expectations. You should expect some major plot holes in a J.J. Abrams show, but there are huge ones already in the first trailer.

2. The New Normal (NBC): If J.J. Abrams is the biggest hack still working in Hollywood, Ryan Murphy is the second biggest hack. And as a straight dude I am a bit offended that a show called “The New Normal” does not feature a single heterosexual man (and to a lesser extend anyone of color). What are you trying to say, straight dudes (and to a lesser extent people of color) are no longer normal? Somebody get the ACLU on the phone.

3. Partners (CBS): I know it may look bad that both gay-centric shows are in my Horrible Show list, but in my defense, I am not homophobic because I would totally push my way through a bunch of chicks to make out with Shamar Moore. That and this sitcom features Brandon Routh and Sophia Bush who makes Elisha Cuthbert look like Kristin Wiig when it comes to comedic timing.

4. Next Caller (NBC): You would think after the Chelsea Handler debacle, you would think NBC would think twice about giving a polarizing comic their own show, but coming this midseason is a show staring Dane Cook. And it is becoming very clear that Jeffrey Tambor does not know how to say “no.” Let’s go over his post-Arrested Development career: Twenty Good Years (four episodes), Welcome to the Captain (five episodes), Bent (six episodes). But I have a felling Next Caller may not make it to seven episodes.

5. Guys with Kids (NBC): If it were not for Sophia Bush, Jamie Lynn Sigler would have easily won the Why the Frack Is Jack Bauer’s Daughter in a Comedy Award that goes to the most head scratching casting decision of the season. Also the promo for the show features three guys giving chest bumps with their babies. Seriously.

Enough of the crap, here is what I will be watching next season:

Mondays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
9:00 – Go On (NBC)
9:00 – Happy Endings (ABC)
9:30 – Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (ABC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 – Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Suburgatory (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:00 - Last Resort (ABC)

Fridays (TGIF returns! Sort of)
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – Community (NBC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
9:00 – Dexter (Showtime)
10:00 – Homeland (Showtime)

You See I Got a Plan, We’re Gonna See This Band

Retro has made a big comeback over the past half decade ranging from the ultra polished soul singers like Amy Winehouse to the lo-fi rockers like Best Coast. El Paso garage band The Royalty sits somewhere in the middle, a garage rock band with Vampire Weekend style guitar flairs with a singer that sounds heavily influenced by the Motown girl groups of the sixties.

Their first album via Victory Records Lovers effortless transitions between power-pop songs like Bartender or Mr. Hyde and songs that sound like fuzzed out guitar versions of The Ronettes songs like How I Like ‘Em or Other Boys. The upbeat I Want You is just pure fun and should be added to every party you are planning on hosting this summer. Actually most of Lovers will take you back to your early summer days (even if you didn’t grow up in the sixties where a lot of the sounds on the album come from) like the sweet Bottle Breaker.

As the album goes on, the more adventurous the band gets. Every Little Bit starts off with a similar drum beat from Lykki Li’s Get Some and features a chant along chorus. If the youth of America listened to better music, Witchcraft would be a middle school slow dance staple for the next half a decade at least. The Royalty even pulls out an epic Saint Bowie which is the closest they get to a stadium anthem. The album then ends with the sweet piano-based Won’t Be Long which shows how the band could be even more versatile on future albums.

Song to Download – I Want You

Lovers gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Lyrics Quiz: As Seen on TV 2012

As we wind down the television season, I am going to run down the best music placement of the past twelve months and as an added twist, I am going to do it in Lyrics Quiz form so you have to guess to see the actual list. As usual, place your guesses in the comment (or e-mail me), both artist and song title, and if you are correct I will un-bold the lyric. For fun, feel free to also guess which television shows the song was used on, a couple of the ones on my list even have multiple answers. Please note in one case where the artist namedropped himself, I changed his name to my own as to not make the artist of the song obvious.

1. Smelling like Dolce and Gabbana. Shorty you the baddest and to meet you is an honor.
2. Dans les buissons sous le ciel du mois d'août. Les amoureux glissent à pas de loup. Comme les oiseaux ils ont rendez-vous. On l'entend partout.
3. There is so much a man can tell you so much he can say. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain.Kiss from a Rose - Seal; guessed by Rebekah)
4. Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp and it read (Scooter McGavin) is a pimp.
5. I’ve loved you since I knew ya. I wouldn’t talk down to ya. I have to tell you just how I feel, I won’t share you with another boy. (Roxanne - The Police; guessed by Rebekah)
6. I was last in my class. Barely passed at the institute. Now I’m trying to avoid, yeah I’m trying to avoid a malpractice suit.
7. Got the right to vote and will elect and other rappers can’t stand us but give us respect.
8. I’ll follow you down until the sound of my voice will haunt you. You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you. (Silver Springs (Live) - Fleetwood Mac; guessed by Rebekah)
9. There’s nothing where he used to lie. Conversation has gone dry. That’s what’s going on. (Torn - Natalie Imbruglia; guessed by Rebekah)
10. Never opened myself this way. Life is our, we live it our way. All these words I don’t just say.
11. Is this the real life. Is this just fantasy. Caught in a landslide no escape from reality. (Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen; guessed by Rebekah)
12. I’ve been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams I kissed your lips a thousand times. (Hello - Lionel Richie; guessed by Rebekah)
13. If you’re seeing things running through your head, who you gonna call?
14. You say go slow and I fall behind. The secondhand unwinds. (Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper; guessed by Rebekah)
15. You’ll think you’re looking at Aquaman. I summon fish to the dish.
16. If you got a problem, yo I’ll solve it. (Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice; guessed by Rebekah)
17. Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose. Plant any one of those. Keep planting to see which one grows.
18. The first thing I met was a fly with no buzz and the sky with no clouds.
19. I’m sure I might be rude but it’s just your attitude it’s tearing me apart, its ruining me every day. (Linger - The Cranberries; guessed by Rebekah)
20. I will pray for you. I will sell my soul for something pure and true. For someone like you.
21. Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing-along. When your day is night alone, hold on. (Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.; guessed by Rebekah)
22. You only know what I want you to. I know everything you don’t want me to.
23. Gotta have a celebration. Rock my soul.
24. When the rain is blowing in you face and the whole world is on your case. I could off you a warm embrace. (Make You Feel My Love - Bob Dylan; guessed by Rebekah)
25. I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned.

The Game Is Afoot Jeff

Back during the first episode of Survivor: One World when the one chick broke her wrist and Probst gave the guys a choice to either take the win or continue the challenge with the girls short a player and I warned the guys, do not anger the Survivor Gods by taking the cheap win and lo and behold, three month later, the most despicable of the guys had to be medically evacuated, they voluntarily gave away immunity (strike two for the Survivor Gods), and all the guys that made the merge are sitting on the jury while the women made up the final five contestants.

If there was one dude who angered the Survivor Gods more than the other dudes it was Colton Cumbie. I never thought I would hate a contestant on the show more than I hated Russell Hantz but Colton managed to slither under the very low bar. He called the first little person on the show every offensive name you could think of, the called the lone black dude ghetto trash to hi face while telling another contestant she might as well jump into the fire so she did not have to wait to be voted off. That must have been the final straw for the Survivor Gods because he could vote off Christa Cha, he had to be air listed off the show with appendicitis like symptoms. Hopefully he never gets asked back (but I unfortunately would not put my money on never seeing him again).

But as horrible as Colton was, Kat Edorsson was oppositely awesome. Quite possibly the dumbest person ever to play Survivor, everything that came out her mouth was a gem (well expect for her constant burping) like the post-appendicitis discussion. And Kat just had to go out with a bang after giving a long winded speech in her signature hoodie about how awesome blindsides are, only to be blindsided a minute later leading to the single greatest Ponderosa episode ever. Everyone should bug Jeff Probst until he lets Kat back on the show.

Poor Greg “Tarzan” Smith, on any other season the plastic surgeon would have been the breakout star of the season but had to play second fiddle to Kat. He even went with they if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em philosophy by donning Kat’s tank top and bikini bottoms on his head right before his elimination. And that was not even his most entertaining moment. That had to be either when he confronted Chelsea Meissner who he thought harbored ill will against him because she did not think her plastic surgeon did a good job with her new breasts or when he told the tribe he had an affection that kept him from learning other people’s names just moments before having to jot down someone’s name at Tribal Council. Seriously, as much as I hated Redemption Island, I would not mind if they brought it back just so we had a Kat vs. Tarzan season. Or at least do an All Star season of Morons vs. Masterminds.

With all the colorful characters this season, it was the most even keel that ended up winning. Kim Spradlin rolled over everyone all season. I thought it would have been wiser to take Alicia and Christina to the end but in the end it did not really matter because she still won in a landslide. I was a bit surprised Sabrina got all the not-Kim votes instead of Chelsea. But that was not even close to being surprising as Kat being profound during the Final Tribal Council.

Survivor: One World gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com. You can also download Survivor on iTunes.

As mentioned above, with Kat and Tarzan this season it got me thinking that the next All-Star season of Survivor should be Morons vs. Masterminds. I even have suggestions of who should make up the cast:


Morons
Jamie Dugan (China)
James Clement (China)
Erik Reichenbach (Fans vs. Favorites)
Shannon “Shambo” Waters (Samoa)
Jane Bright (Nicaragua)
Philip Sheppard (Redemption Island)
Natalie Tenerelli (Redemption Island)
Brandon Hantz (South Pacific)
Kat Edorsson (One World)
Greg “Tarzan” Smith (One World)

Masterminds
Richard Hatch (Borneo)
Rob Cesternino (Amazon)
Sandra Diaz-Twine (Pearl Islands)
Cirie Fields (Panama)
Parviti Shallow (Cook Islands)
Todd Herzog (China)
Stephen Fishbach (Tocantins)
Sophie Clarke (South Pacific)
Colton Cumbie (One World)
Kim Spradlin (One World)

57 Channels and Only This Is On - 5/13/12

Once Upon a Time: There was nothing more predictable this week than Emma not being the one that ate the apple. Although I did think maybe Mary Margret would be taking the bite over Henry as a juxtaposition of her eating it in the fairy tale land. But nothing was more entertaining than the fairies joining the battle to storm the castle.
You can stream current episodes on Hulu. You can also download Once Upon a Time on iTunes.

Mad Men: The show is supposedly the best written show but I it is so profoundly written, why is it when I sat down to write about the show the only thing that comes to my mind is what the frack was Mr. Belding, who apparently has been spending the last decade doing nothing but eating Cool Whip, doing there? (I vaguely remember Megan quitting or something and Don hating The Beatles). And if the former Bayside principal was not distracting enough, there was Pete Campbell nailing Rory Gilmore to increase the nineties nostalgia even more after Ken Cosgrove married Alex Mack (and her father Leland Palmer). Who’s next on the casting couch: Kimmy Gibler? The chick from My Two Dads?
You can download Mad Men on iTunes.

The Voice: After such a strong season it is head scratching that this was finals. With only Jermaine Paul being the only contestant that was better than any of the finalists last season I could not bring myself to watch either episodes this week. After America constantly got everything wrong (with some help from the coaches) this season, I was shocked to learn the voting for the finals went the way it should have: Jermaine, Juliet Simms, Tony Lucca with Chris Mann coming in dead last. I laugh at any notion that the Christina-Adam feud hurt Tony and Chris because they earned their finishing spots and should thank their coaches for taking them a lot further than they deserved. If Adam and Christina hurt anyone it was themselves because they were so focused on destroying each other they let people that may not have come in last place go like Lindsey Pavao, Jesse Campbell, Mathai, or Katrina Parker. So congratulations to Christina on her second straight last place finish even though she came out of the Blind Auditions with the strongest team. Maybe next season you do not take your ninth best team member to the finals with you. Even though I did not bother to watch the finale, there is one performance I checked out the next day:



You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.

Castle: It is inevitable for a show built around an antagonist relationship of two characters of different gender that they will eventually hook up if the show stays on the air long enough, but that was a horrible ending for the episode and season. Well almost ending as there was one last scene to remind us that Kate’s mom’s case is still wide open. They better solve it by the end of next season (preferably much earlier). They already hinted at some sort of conspiracy surrounding Castle’s dad, how about solve Mama Beckett’s murder and move onto the mystery of Papa Castle? Unless he is the mysterious boss behind Mama Beckett’s murder (which I suspected when they first brought him up).
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Castle on iTunes.

Survivor: One World: Oh Kat, you can take the girl out of the game but you just cannot keep her quite. I was surprised to learn that Christina turned out to be one of Alicia’s “minions.” Didn’t Alicia once suggest to Christina that she should jump in the fire so she did not have to wait an extra day before being voted out? Is this some sort of Stockholm Syndrome situation?
You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com.



Modern Family: Holy Dylan sighting! As everyone has spent the last couple months complaining how the show isn’t funny anymore, I think it is clear what was missing this season was Dylan who has not been seen since the season premiere when the Dunfy family left him at the dude ranch. Hopefully he is the spark that can get the fourth season back on track. Maybe a Dylan-Hayley wedding is in order.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu.



Revenge: I am a bit surprised that we had an origins story that did not feature the sensei. Maybe that is for the next flashback episode next season.
You can stream current episodes on Hulu. You can also download Revenge on iTunes.

Community: Didn’t they already do a clip show that wasn’t a real clip show before? Although I get a sense that we got a glimpse of the series finale with everyone being a part of a mental institute. You know the ending is going to be some sort of head trip (assuming they get a proper ending). And somehow insane Annie managed to be hotter than regular neurotic Annie.
You can stream current episodes on Hulu. You can also download Community on iTunes.

Best of the Week - 5/12/12

Quote of the Week: That’s what you said about the Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong. (Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory)

Song of the Week: Tomorrow Never Knows (Mad Men)

Scene of the Week:



Big News of the Week: Britney Spears to Judge a Singing Competition: Excuse me until I stop laughing. Seriously, how can you fire Paula Abdul and one of The Pussycat Dolls and replace them with one of the few singers out there that is actually a worse singer. And calling Britney Spears a singer is a bit generous because no one has heard her sing live in probably over a decade so she is basically a lip-syncing dancer. And even that is a bit generous because her last public performance, the 2007 Video Music Awards, she did not even bother to lip-sync most of the time. Sure Spears will not be the first karaoke judge with nominal singing ability (I am looking at you Jennifer Lopez) but at least J-Lo can form full sentences, Spears does not even have the mental capacity to get through an entire interview unless it is scripted before hand, how is she going to handle live television? The X-Factor was a joke last season and managed to be a bigger joke in its second season with this announcement. If you wanted credibility, how about throwing the $15 million dollars at someone that can actually sing and still sell music (last year’s Femme Fatal has yet to even pass the million sold mark) like Adele? I’d tune in for that. The only people Britney Spears can attract these days are fans of train wreck television, but she will likely scare off more people than she attracts. The X-Factor is already third in the karaoke genre and with the premiere of Duets later this month, which like The Voice boasts actual credible singers, could be pushed to fourth even with the biggest prize and highest paid judge. Which may mean its final season unless they pick up viewiers.

Preview Picture of the Week:

Grant’s Last Day on Ghost Hunters

Free Download of the Week: Stay – Sara Bareilles (SaraBMusic.com): Get a song from the upcoming album for the low, low price of free, but there is a small catch that you have to share the offer on either Facebook or Twitter.

Deal of the Week: Save up to 55% on Movies & TV Shows (Justified, Game of Thrones, Midnight in Paris)

New Album Release of the Week: The Bright Side - Meiko

New DVD Release of the Week: The Grey

Video of the Week: After starting off as one of the guiltiest pleasures ever in the history of television, Pretty Little Liars got a bit tedious but starting picking up again when they announced A would be revealed at the end of last season. But everybody learning Mona was A was just the beginning. Mona hinted at a biggest conspiracy (I assuming when she told Spencer she could join “The A-Team” was not just a reference to the awesome show) and do not forget that Maya met her untimely demise in the finale too. The new season starts in less than a month and ABC has released its first promo.

Next Week Pick of the Week: Survivor, Sunday (tomorrow) at 8:00 on CBS: How apropos that Mother’s Day would feature an all female final five on Survivor. Sure it would have been even more apropos is any of them were actual mothers. Kim is in the driver’s seat playing both alliances remaining. Will she go with Alicia and Christina and the easier win, or her original alliance of Chelsea and Sabrina, both that could easily siphoned jury votes from her? Or will the four girls realize she is playing both sides and blind side her? Should make for an interesting finale. But not nearly as interesting as whatever Kat has install for the final three as the last Tribal Council. Speaking of Kat. Once they get to the jury portion of the show, Survivor uploads a video every week of the latest jury member going to the Ponderosa, where Jury members hang out until it is Tribal Council time. Usually they are boring with the latest booted contestant weighing themselves, taking a shower and binge eating. If you are lucky you may get an uncomfortable reunion with someone who turned on their alliances like last season when Cochran had to face the former tribemates he got voted out. Then Kat got voted out last week. I cannot put into words how awesome it is but it is the first time I can remember them breaking out the Survivor Psychologist. Trust me, watch it below, this will be the best six minutes you spend today. And after you are done watching be sure to bug Jeff Probst until he lets Kat back for another season.

Around the Tubes - 5/11/12

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on the Cougar Town, Deon Cole's Black Box, Who Gets the Last Laugh, True Blood, America's Got Talent, NPR, Monday Mornings, Veep, Aim High, The Borgias, The Gramblers, Sister Wives, and Redbook.

- I have some bad news / good news for Cougar Town fans. The bad news is that the show will not be on the ABC schedule when the network announces its fall lineup next week. The good news is the show did get picked up by TBS who also secured the rights to the first three season of the show. The fourth season will air early in 2013 but no word on if the network change will come with a much needed title change.

- And TBS keeps on adding show because it also greenlit two other shows. Deon Cole’s Black Box featuring the Conan player. And Who Gets the Last Laugh where two comedians that are pitted against each other in the ultimate prank challenge from the guys that brought you Punk’d. Also look for both shows in early 2013.

- True Blood returns next month and HBO has recently released a bunch of posters hyping the return, one of which you can check out below:



- America’s Got Talent returns Monday and for those not already sick of all the Howard Stern commercials on NBC, here is another one:

A Whole New Level of Excitement


- Net Wednesday at 3:00 Buzz Bissinger (you know the guy who wrote the Friday Night Lights book) and Malcolm Gladwell will debate Tim Green and Jason Whitlock on whether or not to ban college football on NPR stations nationwide.

- TNT has greenlit Monday Mornings, a powerful new series from award-winning producer David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, Chicago Hope) and practicing neurosurgeon and CNN chief medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta, M.D., on whose book the series is based. The medical drama stars Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction), Alfred Molina (Spider-Man 2, TNT's The Company), Jamie Bamber (Battlestar Galactica), Jennifer Finnigan (Better with You), Bill Irwin (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Keong Sim (Glee), Sarayu Rao (Lions f or Lambs), and Emily Swallow (TNT's Southland).

- HBO released another deleted scene from the previous episode of Veep which you can check out below:



- Warner Bros. recently announced that its digital series Aim High starring Jackson Rathbone and produced by McG will be back for a second season. No word on when the season will hit the internets but you can watch the entire first season on its Facebook page.

- Fans of Showtime’s The Borgias rejoice because the show has been picked up for a third season.

- The Gramblers has been racking up some YouTube views recently with their Van Sessions and recently talked to The Daily about their covers like the recently uploaded Easy by The Commodores.

- Of course Sister Wives is returning on Mother’s Day. The show returns for its third season this Sunday at 9:00 on TLC.

- Bravo’s Andy Cohen is throwing a 80’s prom-themed special on SiriusXM Tuesday May 22 from 7:00-8:30 on SiriusXM Book Radio ch.80 to celebrate the release of his memoir Most Talkative.

- The stars of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker, and Anna Kendrick are covering this month’s Redbook cover. And like most guys, I’m expecting to avoid this movie.

The 25 Greatest Beastie Boys Music Videos of All Time

We lost a true legend last week when Adam Yauch lost his battle with cancer. MCA along with his brothers in the Beastie Boys made the most innovative music over their three decade. The trio also made some of the most memorable music videos from the golden age of MTV even though they inexplicably only won two VMA’s: Best Hip Hop Video for Intergalactic and Best Director for last year’s Make Some Noise. They did pick up the Video Vanguard Award and some made up award from 2009 called Best Video (That Should Have Won a Moonman) for Sabotage (to save you a Google search, it lost to Cryin’ for Video of the Year, Viewer’s Choice and Best Group Video; you could not touch Alicia Silverstone in 1994). So to honor MCA I thought I would compile a list of the greatest Beastie Boys music videos, most of which were directed by Yauch’s alter ego Nathanial Hörnblowér, who is most famous for storming the stage when Spike Jones lost out to Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. for Best Director in 1994 (R.E.M. also blocked Sabotage for Breakthrough Video that year). I have marked the videos directed or co-directed by Nathanial Hörnblowér with a *.

1. Sabotage



2. Intergalactic *



3. Fight for Your Right (To Party)



4. Make Some Noise *



5. Ch-Check it Out *



6. Shadrach *

7. Hey Ladies

8. Body Movin’ *

9. No Sleep ‘till Brooklyn

10. Triple Trouble *

11. So What’cha Want *

12. Pass the Mic *

13. Right Right Now Now *

14. Alive *

15. Don’t Play No Game That I Can’t Win

16. Sure Shot *

17. Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun *

18. Jimmy James *

19. Shake Your Rump *

20. Shazam! *

21. Gratitude

22. Root Down

23. Three MC’s and One DJ *

24. An Open Letter to NYC *

25. Netty’s Girl

Breaking Down the 100 Greatest Power Ballads of All Time

When you say “Power Ballad” most people conjure up hair bands from the eighties usually with black and white videos with slow motion synchronized guitar moves. But if you flip the words and think powerful ballads that can encompass many different genres and time periods. And that expanded definition was the basis of my list of The 100 Greatest Power Ballads of All Time which I am sure many of the younins have heard lately in the middle of prom season. Many may not think there is a connection between White Lion, Lauyrn Hill, and Kelly Clarkson, but they have all recorded soft ballads that build to a crescendo of guitars, pianos, choirs, or a combination of the three. Here is a look at the list by the numbers.

Songs by Genre
Alternative Rock - 25
Adult Contemporary – 24
Hard Rock – 22
Rock - 21
R&B - 6
Country – 2

Songs by Decade
60’s – 2
70’s – 5
80’s – 30
90’s – 37
00’s – 23
10’s – 3

Artists with Multiple Songs
U2 - 4
Coldplay – 3
Guns N' Roses – 3
Snow Patrol - 3
Aerosmith – 2
Bonnie Tyler – 2
Foreigner – 2
Green Day – 2
Hootie & The Blowfish – 2
INXS – 2
Journey – 2
Oasis – 2
Ozzy Osbourne - 2
Phil Collins – 2
Poison – 2
R.E.M. – 2
Radiohead - 2


Year with Most Songs – 1988 (8)
Songs with Rain in the Title – 3 (All in the top 10)
“Love Theme” from a Movie – 3

The 100 Greatest Power Ballads of All Time

1. Love Song - Tesla

2. Purple Rain - Prince and The Revolution

3. Heaven - Warrant

4. Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison

5. I Wish It Would Rain Down - Phil Collins

6. All I Want Is You - U2

7. I'll Be There for You - Bon Jovi

8. Home Sweet Home - Mötley Crüe

9. November Rain - Guns N' Roses

10. Without You - Harry Nilsson

11. Silver Springs (Live) - Fleetwood Mac

12. No More Drama - Mary J. Blige

13. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

14. The Scientist - Coldplay

15. I Want to Know What Love Is - Foreigner

16. What It Takes - Aerosmith

17. Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty

18. Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers

19. Faithfully - Journey

20. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Loaf

21. Against All Odds - Phil Collins

22. How to Save a Life - The Fray

23. Never Tear Us Apart - INXS

24. Wind of Change - Scorpions

25. Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

26. Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol and Martha Wainwright

27. Will You Be There - Michael Jackson

28. Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2

29. My Immortal (Band Version) - Evanescence

30. You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones

31. Why - Annie Lennox

32. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crowes

33. Patience - Guns N' Roses

34. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill

35. Alone - Heart

36. Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer

37. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

38. Boston - Augustana

39. My Heart Will Go On - Céline Dion

40. Far Behind - Candlebox

41. Don't Cry - Guns N' Roses

42. Stop Crying Your Heart Out - Oasis

43. Fix You - Coldplay

44. Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone) - Cinderella

45. Waiting for a Girl Like You - Foreigner

46. With or Without You - U2

47. Tuckers Town - Hootie & the Blowfish

48. The Stairs - INXS

49. Better Man - Pearl Jam

50. Close My Eyes Forever - Lita Ford and Ozzy Osborne

51. Hey Jude - The Beatles

52. Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Bonnie Tyler

53. Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars

54. Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis

55. Sister Christian - Night Ranger

56. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel

57. We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome) - Tina Turner

58. (Everything I Do) I Do It for You - Bryan Adams

59. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

60. Let Her Cry - Hootie and the Blowfish

61. Angel Eyes - The Jeff Healey Band

62. Hero - Enrique Iglesias

63. Creep - Radiohead

64. Run - Snow Patrol

65. Linger - The Cranberries

66. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

67. Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd

68. Listen to Your Heart - Roxette

69. Don't Follow - Alice in Chains

70. One - U2

71. She's Gone - Hall and Oates

72. Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon

73. Take My Breath Away - Berlin

74. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

75. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

76. Silent Lucidity - Queensrÿche

77. When the Night Comes - Joe Cocker

78. Somebody to Love - Queen

79. The Cave - Mumford and Sons

80. I Remember You - Skid Row

81. Open Arms - Journey

82. Angel - Aerosmith

83. Mama, I'm Coming Home - Ozzy Osborne

84. It's All Coming Back to Me Now - Céline Dion

85. Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me - George Michael and Elton John

86. A Long December - Counting Crows

87. When the Children Cry - White Lion

88. Glycerine - Bush

89. Big Empty - Stone Temple Pilots

90. Existentialism On Prom Night - Straylight Run

91. Lonely Road of Faith - Kid Rock

92. Strange Currencies - R.E.M.

93. Holding Out for a Hero - Bonnie Tyler

94. Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band

95. Trouble - Coldplay

96. Is This Love - Whitesnake

97. The Mountains Win Again - Blues Traveler

98. Sober - Kelly Clarkson

99. A Dustland Fairytale - The Killers

100. Something to Believe In - Poison

Ten Ways to Fix The Voice

After doing almost everything right last season, almost everything went wrong this season. After a very strong Sweet Sixteen, the finalists tonight somehow managed to be significantly weaker than last season which was not that exciting itself. They are so weak, I will not even tune into tonight (I have to see the climatic conclusion of the first season finale of 2 Broke Girls instead) even just to see how weird the Jermaine / Blake duet is (or awesomely bad Juliet and Cee-Lo are). Chris Mann inexplicably advanced even though his iTunes sales are laughably bad ranking near the bottom of all contestants every week and never once this season outsold Lindsey Pavao, the person he beat last week. Here are all the people who charted higher than Chris Mann this season:

Juliet Simms
Lindsey Pavao (the person that Chris beat had four different songs chart higher than Chris’s best)
Jamar Rogers
Katrina Parker
Tony Lucca
Jermaine Paul
RaeLynn (yes even RaeLynn, who was booted in the quarterfinals charted two songs higher than Chris)
Not to mention all four finalist last season, Dia Frampton, Javier Colon, Vicci Martinez, and Beverly McClellan as well as Xenia and Casey Weston who did not make it to the finals

By Friday Chris was completely off the iTunes Top 200 Chart while Lindsey was still in the Top 100. Christina Aguilera somehow went into the Live Rounds with the strongest team but managed to find a worse finalist than Beverly last season. The Voice should be embarrassed to have him in the finals especially at the expense of the highest iTunes seller this season. Tony Lucca lost all his credibility after his Britney Spears cover, a mediocre one at that, and managed to lose the popular vote to someone who had never previous had been saved by America (sorry Katrina, you picked the wrong coach, except he was the only one to turn around for you so nevermind). I liked Jermaine, but he is only there because he was on a team with no standouts (he could have gone home the first Live Round if he were on Christina’s Team). Juliet is the most credible of the finalist but I do not care for her screaming singing style and her non-scream voice is very weak and I would have preferred Jamar in the slot. Looking at these finalists it is clear The Voice needs to do some more tinkering, which went from the most watched show on television this season to pulling in less viewers than last season, or it may be in danger of even being out-rated by X-Factor next fall or even the new Duets show launching later this month.

1. Change the Voting System: If The Voice changes one thing for next season, this is the one. The show should be embarrassed by Chris Mann’s inclusion in the finals being the second worst seller of any team on iTunes last week but somehow still make it into the finals. He was even outsold by all of his teammates in the quarterfinals and still managed to get the America’s Save that week. Let’s face it, anything that let’s internet voting is completely flawed because nothing can stop losers with too much time on their hands to create phony e-mail accounts to spam the voting process (and not only do these people brag about doing so them encourage other people to do so). People doing this it really hurts the show because people are tuning out when the most popular are booted out by fans of singers like Chris who think their vote is more important than everyone else. This phenomenon can help explain how the show went from the most watch show at the beginning of the season to having lower ratings than last season which did not have the help of being launched by the Super Bowl. And Chris Mann is not the only person that has benefited, in the first Live Round Charlotte Sometimes was just a few spots behind RaeLynn as the best seller on Team Blake, but when America’s Saves were announced, RaeLynn was joined by Jermaine and Erin Willett, the two worst sellers on the team that barely cracked the iTunes Top 200 chart that week.

The solution is pretty simple: give more weight to the iTunes chart. Sure, as conceived you can vote ten times on iTunes, but who besides maybe family members are buying a song ten times? And if the goal of the music business is to get people to buy your music, then this should be taken into account in the shows voting system. And they way votes should be tabulated so the music buyers have enough say as the fanatics who stuff the ballots by creating phony e-mail accounts is split the final vote four ways: %25 comes from iTunes downloads, %25 from phone votes, %25 from internet voting, and %25 from texting. Or if you want to give more control to the coaches, split it five ways with every way getting 20%. Could anyone be against this idea (aside from those internet spammers who think their vote is more important than everyone else)?

2. Shorten the Battle Rounds: I was all for the extended Blind Auditions, but eight hours of the Battle Rounds were painful to sit through and looking at the ratings I am not the only one who thought this as the show lost almost three million viewers between the last Blind Audition to the last Battle Round. Instead of four episodes of six battle each at least do eight battles across three episodes (they did do four per hour last year) or preferably go even more dramatic and cut it down to two episodes and blow by all of the mediocre battles (which there are plenty of) via montage. Also go back to just one adviser per team, it is unfair that someone gets to work with Lionel Richie while the other one gets Jewel, and also put them back on stage during the battle (as awkward as it looked during the first season) so the coaches could have someone in their ear before making a bad decision. I’m sure if he was there, Babyface would have been like, “no Cee-Lo, Erin Martin over Wayne’s World is a really bad idea. Think twice.” You can take the extra episodes and give them to the Blind Audition and actually show everyone (or at least everyone that gets a coach to turn around) and/or…

3. Expand the Live Rounds: I do appreciate how the show trims the fat quick and fast unlike other painfully slow shows that eliminate them one by one, but how about adding one more extra round and have teams go from 6 to 4 to 3 to 2 to the finalist.

4. Let Coach’s Poach other Team’s Castoffs: A lot of good talent went home sooner than they should have in the Live Shows, but we also lost a bunch of great talent during the Battle Round due to bad decisions (The Shields Brothers!), being at a disadvantage due to the song choice (Whitney Myer), or the coach put two strong competitors against each other (Jamie Lono, who had the second best selling song from the Blind Auditions vs. Jamar). So after all of the Battle Rounds, bring all the eliminated contestants back on stage and let each coach pick one contestant each (but coaches should not be allowed to pick someone they eliminated)

5. Bring in a Real Rock Judge: Blake Shelton is the country guy, Christina is the pop girl, Cee Lo Green is the RnB guy, and I assume Adam is supposed to be the rock guy except he is more of an RnB-pop hybrid than an actual rock singer, and the show already has those two genres covered. And without a real rocker on the panel some good rock singers were passed over in the Blind Auditions (what the heck happened to Ducky) and the one rock act to get someone to turn around, The Shield Brothers unceremoniously lost to the worst singer in the whole competition. The problem with having a real rock coach is there are not that many currently out there to choose from that are credible. There is Dave Grohl, Jack White or one of The Black Keys (or have both share a chair; actually, that would be awesome; make that happen Mark Burnett, both members of The Black Keys in the same chair) and that’s it. Maybe John Mayer but he is a much better guitarist than vocalist or maybe Kid Rock mostly for entertainment value (and you think Cee-Lo picks are weird, wait for Coach Rock). But if the best you can do for a rock judge is the dude from Nickelback, just don’t.

6. Ban Adele: No one is going to out-Adele Adele so spot letting these people think that they can just hurts the singer that tries. Naia Kete sang Turning Tables and was promptly eliminated. Kim Yarbrough sang Rolling in the Deep and was promptly eliminated. Erin sang Set Fire to the Rain and had to be saved by Blake and still almost lost to RaeLynn who bombed her Last Chance Performance.

7. Ban Anyone in the Audience Who Screams I Love You: It may seem like a cool thing when you are sitting in the crowd, but everyone sitting at home finds it annoying.

8. Get Carson to Stop the Coaches When they Ramble (or Find Someone Who Will): The pacing of the Results Shows were horrible this year and you have to blame Carson, or whoever is in his ear. There was an episode where Christina was rambling on and on leaving Blake literally a minute to make a decision which he did just in time for the show to fade to black. There was even the weird moment where Cee-Lo talked about his head told him Tony Vincent and his heart said Cheesa and then took a dramatic pause before what I assumed was to tell us if he was going with his head or his heart and Carson butted in and said Cheesa was the winner.

9. Get Rid of the Product Placement I Refuse to Acknowledge (unless they pay me) Lounge: Sure Christina Milian is easy on the eyes but the interviews are lame and who cares what @RandomPerson thought of the Gym Class Heroes performance. I understand the Product Placement I Refuse to Acknowledge pays you a lot of money to plaster their name on the show, but there has to be a better place to put it. How about the all the practices happen at the Product Placement I Refuse to Acknowledge Rehearsal Space?

10. Stop it with the Sob Stories: Yes I get it that America love a good recovery story but why does every contestant or their parent have to have or had some horrible disease that is brought up every time they are on screen?