The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least

It is not a good sign for next season when the biggest news coming out of the Upfronts this year was Britney Spears judging a singing competition. And just when you thought The X-Factor could not be an even bigger joke, they hired a nineteen year old Demi Lovato, who is probably best known to the general public as someone who went to rehab to sit next to Britney. At least Britney is also known as a horrible singer in-between her rehab stints. Now let me go back to believing Fox does not exist.

But the most important news of the week did not even come from the networks, but instead from cable network TBS who announced during their Upfronts that they have hired a pilot presentation of a show called Norm MacDonald Is Trending. It is described as, “SNL alumnus and former "Weekend Update" anchor Norm MacDonald hosts as he and his team of correspondents sort through the churning mass of pop culture and social media to pull out the funniest, most bizarre and entertaining events so you don’t have to.” Just order that to series now TBS.

Usually around this time I take a look of all the promos for upcoming shows for next season and come up with my premature list of the best new shows of next season, except there were not really any shows that excited me that were announced (is it too late for ABC to pick up the Mandy Moore sitcom?). So this is an election year where I usually not vote for the best candidate but instead vote for the candidate I think sucks the least, here is my list of The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least:

1. Last Resort (ABC): Want to know just how bad this year’s crop of shows is? The best one can best be described as a serious version of Gilligan's Island. But I do like creator Shawn Ryan (Terriers) and actors Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age), Autumn Reeser (No Ordinary Family), and Jessy Schram (Veronica Mars), features a recurring Robert Patrick (Terminator 2) it does have the coolest premise: a nuclear submarine the refuses an order to take out Pakistan and becomes a rogue nation with its own nuclear weapon to keep them safe. Of course because of all that and its Thursday at 8:00 timeslot (which has been the ABC death slot since Ugly Betty stated to tank about four years ago), Vegas will probably put the Over / Under of episodes at 5.

2. Animal Practice (NBC): For some reason I kept thinking that the show was a drama until I saw the trailer. A trailer that featured the monkey from The Hangover Part II as a doctor. I also give this show five episodes (it is going up against established comedy The Middle, Survivor and the trainwreck that will be Britney Spears), but I will enjoy all five of them.



3. The Neighbors (ABC): A sitcom starring Jami Gertz: pass. But it also stars aliens that named themselves Jackie Joyner Kersey, Reggie Jackson, Larry Bird and Dick Butkis: yes please. If ABC does not get the rights for an Alf cameo I will be severely disappointed.

4. Nashville (ABC): I have some good news and bad news about the show. The good news is that it stars Tami Taylor. The bad news is it stars the annoying cheerleader from Heroes. Is it too late to recast her with Julie Taylor?

5. Friend Me (CBS): McLovin on CBS? A premise so stupid it may work. But to work it definitely needs a name change before hitting airwaves because it is the worst titled new show of the season not named How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life).

And since there is an abundance of horrible looking shows that will be hitting the airways next season, here is a list of The Five Shows Networks Could Not Pay Me to Watch (for at least under $100).

1. Revolution (NBC): Since J.J. Abrams is a hack who only deals in high concept / low rewards I had no hopes that the show would be any good. Then I got a look at the trailer and it managed to slither under the bar of my low expectations. You should expect some major plot holes in a J.J. Abrams show, but there are huge ones already in the first trailer.

2. The New Normal (NBC): If J.J. Abrams is the biggest hack still working in Hollywood, Ryan Murphy is the second biggest hack. And as a straight dude I am a bit offended that a show called “The New Normal” does not feature a single heterosexual man (and to a lesser extend anyone of color). What are you trying to say, straight dudes (and to a lesser extent people of color) are no longer normal? Somebody get the ACLU on the phone.

3. Partners (CBS): I know it may look bad that both gay-centric shows are in my Horrible Show list, but in my defense, I am not homophobic because I would totally push my way through a bunch of chicks to make out with Shamar Moore. That and this sitcom features Brandon Routh and Sophia Bush who makes Elisha Cuthbert look like Kristin Wiig when it comes to comedic timing.

4. Next Caller (NBC): You would think after the Chelsea Handler debacle, you would think NBC would think twice about giving a polarizing comic their own show, but coming this midseason is a show staring Dane Cook. And it is becoming very clear that Jeffrey Tambor does not know how to say “no.” Let’s go over his post-Arrested Development career: Twenty Good Years (four episodes), Welcome to the Captain (five episodes), Bent (six episodes). But I have a felling Next Caller may not make it to seven episodes.

5. Guys with Kids (NBC): If it were not for Sophia Bush, Jamie Lynn Sigler would have easily won the Why the Frack Is Jack Bauer’s Daughter in a Comedy Award that goes to the most head scratching casting decision of the season. Also the promo for the show features three guys giving chest bumps with their babies. Seriously.

Enough of the crap, here is what I will be watching next season:

Mondays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
9:00 – Go On (NBC)
9:00 – Happy Endings (ABC)
9:30 – Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (ABC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 – Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Suburgatory (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:00 - Last Resort (ABC)

Fridays (TGIF returns! Sort of)
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – Community (NBC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
9:00 – Dexter (Showtime)
10:00 – Homeland (Showtime)