Big Head Floyd and the Monsters

Every morning when I fire up the computer and hop onto the internet, the very first place I go, considering it is my homepage, is ESPN.com. And when the page loaded I met with the not so surprising lead story of Floyd Landis “B” sample coming back positive for abnormal levels of testosterone. After a week of hearing excuses after excuses of why he failed the first test, from shots of whiskey to cortisone shots, it was almost as if they were bracing for a second failed test instead of expecting the test to exonerate Landis. With all of his excuses, as well everyone else's, there is something to be said about the steriod user that looks the best now is the only one to come out and said, yeah, I used them to make me better in Jose Cansaco.

Speaking of other athletes and their excuses, if there was one bit of relief for Landis was that there was another positive test recently by an athlete in a sport that people actually care about with Justin Gatlin, the supposed fastest man in the world. Big Head Justin was even able to come up with a more insane excuse than Big Head Floyd with the “a masseuse with a grudge rubbed him down with the infamous The Cream” excuses. This begs the question, why go to a masseuse that doesn’t like you? He was also able to pull out the most guilty excuses out, the one patented by the biggest oversized dome of the all Barry Bonds with the “I never knowingly took any banned substances.” And to further prove Gatlin’s guilt, much like Bonds, his trainer/coach, Trevor Graham, was linked to the BALCO probe. Oh, and for those keeping track at home, Graham has coached six athletes that have received drug suspensions.

With these two high profile cases the latest of a laundry list steroid abusers dating all the way back to Ben Johnson back in Seoul (seriously, like a Canadian can run fast, talk about red flags) the best show currently on television, Pardon the Interruption even with the hateable Dan LeBatard, debated if we can trust any athlete to be clean. Mike Wilbon brought up Derek Jeter but I’m not sure if I can trust anyone who place baseball, football, or hockey not too mention the lesser sports. They only sport I can remotely trust is clean basketball, and by clean I mean of performance enhancing drugs because they have plenty of other problems including reports from players that over fifty percent of the league enjoys the sticky icky and there is even a franchise nicknamed the Jailblazers, although the Cincinnati may have to co-opt that name soon.

I know some of you may think I’m a hypocritical for the time I mentioned I coerced a young cousin to move my ball during the bi-annual McGavin Family Croquet Deathmatch, but to me there is a big different with cheating and chemically altering you body. Growing up, I loved hearing of stories of pitchers doctoring the baseball with nail files and storing Vaseline in their pocket or even dudes, much like George Brett, who lathered a little too much pine tar on their bat. I grew up being taught if you aren’t cheating you’re not trying. But I draw the line with putting things into my body, especially the kind that makes Little Scooter, well, more little. Not only is it wrong, it’s downright creepy.

But it will be the baseball writers will be the one who will be determining the legacy of steroids as more and more oversized domes become eligible for the Baseball Hall of Fame in the next couple of years starting next year with Big Head Mark Mcgwire. Personally if it were up to me, I would induct Cal Ripkin Jr. and Tony Gwinn next year and not induct anyone else for the next fifteen years except some old timers that were overlooked the first couple times they were on the ballot.

And there is an easy solution to the steroids problem. It is no coincidence that the use of performance enhancing drugs skyrocketed at the same time player salaries did. Back in the eighties no one made more than a million dollars but today even players that haven’t play a game routinely make millions of dollars. And what is one to do with all that disposable income, one would make sure that income keeps coming in especially when others are trying to get an unfair advantage. So here is my solution, one that have advocated for a long time and would be the first thing I would implement if I Ruled the World (right after I freed all my sons, you know, because I love ‘em, love ‘em baby) would be a salary cap. Now this salary cap wouldn’t be like the one’s today that put a cap on players salary, no this one would instead benefit the fan, it would be a cap on ticket prices and here it is the max places would be able to charge for different sports.

Baseball - $10
Basketball, Hockey, Soccer - $15
Football - $20
World Cup, Olympics, other special events - $25

So a family of four could go out to a ballgame for less than forty buck, what a novel idea. And of course to keep from pouching other aspects there would be a cap on parking and food too.