Big Head Ozzie and the Monsters

First let me clarify Ozzie Guillen’s oversized dome isn’t due to performance enhancers like say, Big Head Barry, instead it is thanks to his bloated ego. And the more he hears himself talk, the larger it gets. His most recent growth spurt in the head started last week when dude puts a pitcher, Sean Tracy, on the mound for the sole purpose of plunking someone just because another pitcher beamed A.J. Pierzynski, rightfully so, a couple times. When the pitcher was unable to hit the guy Guillen picked out for retaliation, he then promptly sends the pitcher back to minors. What a bush league thing to do. And even though Guillen all but admitted to ordering the plunking, Bud Selig, like always, just turned his head. If this was David Stern, there would be a lot of money going to a charity of his choice by now. Granted this is all just another reason to hate the American League and their horrible idea called the designated hitter.

But the bigger, and more recent case of Guillen loving to hear himself talk is when he turned sights onto Chicago writer, and one of the many reasons not to watch Around the Horn, Jay Mariotti whom Guillen said of, “What a piece of (expletive deleted) he is, (expletive deleted) (derogatory term for homosexual).” Now I could care less what people say, I’ve heard a lot worse come out of kids that haven’t hit puberty yet. But here’s why I’m offended, that he’s throwing around insults that dudes in Middle School use as frequently as “The.” I’d like to think a grown adult, especially one who is in a position that requires a lot of public speaking, could come up with a more original insult that a sixth grader.

Well I was offended until I heard his apologies, which could rank as one of the greatest apologies of all time: “I don't have anything against those people. In my country, you call someone something like that and it is not the same as it is in this country.” Nothing says I’m sorry like referring to those you offended as “those people.” Oh, and Guillen has lived in the United States for twenty years and is a naturalized citizen, so that throws away that excuse. And when he said he apologized to “the people I offended” he actually used air quotes. Classy.

But that’s not the part that makes it the best apology ever, this is; Guillen further explained to Greg Couch of the Sun-Times that he has no problem with gays, and that he has gay friends, goes to WNBA games, went to a Madonna concert and plans to attend the Gay Games in Chicago. Really nothing says how gay friendly you are then going to WNBA games and Madonna concerts. I'm surpised he didn't bust out, "and I watch Will and Grace." This apology could actually be more insulting then the original slur. Oh, also lost in the apology, he called Mariotti “a piece a (expletive deleted)” again, twice, and threw in “he’s not a man” for good measure. Best apology ever.

Then after his initial comments, Guillen then got thrown out of that night’s game after one of pitcher, David Riske actually succeeded in plunking a batter in retaliation. Then today, surprisingly Bud Selig handed down some punishment for his actions. And for those keeping track at home, here’s the tally: Ordering a pitcher to plunk someone and missing - none; Ordering a pitcher to pluck someone and succeeding - one game suspension and undisclosed fine; Making offensive statements - undisclosed fines.