There are three different reasons why someone would watch VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club: 1) For good heath tips, 2) Like other “celebrity” reality shows, to see has-been’s try for one last chance at the spot light, 3) to watch addicts go through withdrawal. As much as I’d like to say the reason I occasionally check out the show if for reason number one, the third is more realistically the reason. And lets face it as much as America wants to deny it, food has become an addiction.
Now it’s fifth season, Celebrity Fit Club for the first time will be split between Men and Woman. It is somewhat surprising the show has lasted this long as when it started I doubted they could continually find even C-Listers that would be willing to come on a show that basically is meant to show how fat they have become. But you really have to admire anyone who would come on a show like this because it shows they are willing to overcome the humiliation in order to try to live a healthier life. This years cast includes:
Maureen McCormick
: I’m not sure what is more surprising, that Marsha Brady (the third Brady to be featured on a VH1 reality show) has packed on the pounds or that she is fifty. Although I have a feeling that news is worse for people actually alive when The Brady Bunch was on the air.
Tiffany: The former Mall Rat is just four years removed from appearing in Playboy (seriously? Her?). Just goes to show everyone how quick you can gain weight.
Da Brat: On her second tour of VH1 reality shows. How soon until she drops in on the Hogan family?
Kimberley Locke: I’ve never heard of her before this show but how bad of a karaoker do you have to be if you lose to Clay Aiken?
Dustin Diamond: Every season has their obligatory psychotic jackass, see Daniel Baldwin (his appearance makes his brother’s recent phone call seem reasonable) and Jeff Conaway, and it looks like Screech will be this one.
Warren G: There’s always a contestant every season where you go “No not him/her” and Warren G is that for me this season. Regulate is one of the Top 10 greatest rap songs of all time.
Cledus T. Judd: Apparently the country version of “Weird Al” Yankovic. Never heard of him.
Ross the Intern: Again I have no clue who this is but I’m surprised that Ant would let someone on the show that is gayer than he is.
Somewhat of a lackluster cast, c’mon, where are all the morbidly obese “celebrities” this time around? For people who watch the show for the second reason, some of the most entertaining moments, and most weight lose, come from these people like seeing Bruce Vilanch doing the long jump are seeing Big Pussy take as much time to run a quarter of a mile as it does for some people to run a whole mile. And there was a little shake up with the judges as Linda Papadopoulos and her too much makeup is released and is replaced by the seemingly more no-nonsense Stacy Kaiser. Luckily Harvey Walden IV, the best token grumpy judge in all reality television, is back as the trainer. Hopefully he will literally smack Screech around this season.
Verdict: Not really must see TV, but I always get some good helpful hints on how I, myself, can live a healthier lifestyle, even if I tend to be eating potato chips whenever I turn the show on. Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women airs Sunday at 9:00 on VH1.
Much like slowing down to check out a car crash, I feel oddly compelled to check out all the cheesy VH1 reality show. The granddaddy of them of course being The Surreal Life which had it start of the now defunct UPN but moved to Video Hits One that started the channel’s all reality most of the time scheduling philosophy. And like most reality shows that started earlier this decade, The Surreal Life finally got its own All-Stars edition in the form of The Surreal Life: Fame Games.
The ten Fame Gamers, as host Robin Leach liked to call them, were culled from all six seasons yet surprisingly didn’t include any of the past token reality contestant which every season features as they are the biggest fame mongers of them all. An even bigger surprise was that VH1 staple, Flavor Flav was nowhere to be found. Instead we get some of the more memorable housemates in the series history including Vanilla Ice, Brigitte Nielsen, and Chyna.
The contests themselves were pretty absurd with rules seem to shift and make little sense in the first place. But I guess the show was more about the journey than who actually win. The start of the show started with them dividing the contestants into “The A-List” and “The B-List” even though for many of them, being on “The B-List” would be an upgrade. This was a waste as they were haphazardly thrown back together on “The A-List” shortly after.
The judging for each contest was just as absurd especially when they had celebrity judges like when Kennedy was brought in to figure had the most famous friends with the lowest being eliminated in the only round that didn’t have a “Back to Reality” game to determine it. What was worse is they let Kathy Griffin solely decide who won the $100,000 prize, a prize that actually went to the winner, not charity unlike most celebrity edition. It is something sad that Traci Bingham was the actual winner.
Even though he didn’t win, Vanilla Ice remained the star of the show. It was guaranteed that every episode Ice would do something stupid. It was an added treat whenever he would do one in front of Robin just to see his “I didn’t know I would have to baby-sit during this gig” face. The silliest of his tirade is when he got caught in a gay homosexual scandal during the paparazzi challenge as if anyone would question his sexuality from looking at that picture. And he save the best for last when Ron Jeremy swore on his mother’s grave that he wouldn’t vote Ice to go home only to do just that. Classic. How soon until VH1 gives Ice his own demolition reality show?
The Surreal Life: Fame Games gets a 
on my Terror Alert Scale.
During the Big in 2006 Awards, VH1 unveiled some of the new shows that they would be putting on the air early this year. They hyped the return of Hogan Knows Best, as well as spin-offs of Flavor of Love and The Surreal Life. But the most intriguing ad was for the new reality show, Ego Trip’s The (White) Rapper Show. The show could have easily have been the best or worst reality show ever and luckily it was definitely more of the former. The show wasn’t your token, dudes singing karaoke kind of talent show, which is a good thing as none of the contestants could land a record contract on their own laurels unless they manage to marry a mentally unstable pop star (and for those looking for one, I have Hilary Duff in the office poll).
Instead of being solely a talent competition, the show relied on some of the silliest games for the contestants to play, my favorite being the ghetto version of Family Feud with topics like stereotypes that Black people secretly believe. And if you need for me to tell you want was number one on the board, obviously you have never met a black dude before. In between the silliness, there were more credible tasks, but these were only entertaining in how bad they were at trying to rap.
Overseeing the whole event was MC Serch, who was good for a laugh every time he showed up if only because they always flashed “Hip Hop Icon” on the screen whenever he appeared. I was a big 3rd Base fan back in the day, even bust out Derelicts of Dialects ever once and a while, but “Hip Hop Icon” he’s not. And he wasn’t the only old school cat to make an appearance as somehow Ego Trip rounded up other “Icons” such as Grandmaster Flash, Prince Paul (who helped judging every once in a while), Bushwick Bill of the Geto Boys and whities Everlast and Kid Rock.
The contest came down $hamrock and the biggest goof of them all John Brown who would have gotten anyone massively drunk if they played a drinking game where they took a shot whenever he uttered the words, “King of the ‘Burbs,” “Ghetto Revival,” “ or Hallelujah Holla Back.” But a surprise happened on the way to the final as John Brown turned out to be the most solid performer throughout the show, and I never though I would say this when the show began, but John Brown got jobbed in the end when the judges declared $hamrock the next white hope. Controversy aside, the show is up there as one of the best reality seasons ever and hopefully VH1 brings it back soon than later. Or even switch things up and have a (Female) Rapper Show, (Asian) Rapper Show, or recruit Snow to be the host of The (Canadian) Rapper Show. If so, just make sure you bring back the giant cockroach.
Ego Trip’s The (White) Rapper Show gets a 
on my Terror Alert Scale.
I’m not entirely sure who or what Ego Trip is, but they were behind what could have been the best or worst new show of the year. With a name like The (White) Rapper Show there really wasn’t going to be much between. Luckily for those that like to be entertained, it closer to the best side of things. The show takes ten rappers from all around the world of the Caucasian persuasion and has them battle it out to be the next big white hope.
Naturally the auditions are first as host MC Serch of 3rd Bass (who are for some reason missing from iTunes) with the help of producer Prince Paul try to narrow the group of a hundred to the ten that would make the show. With people like the old Jewish dude and the oversized chick who kept on rapping about her kootchiepop, that task didn’t seem all that hard and Serch made it seem. Well maybe it was condidering there were not ten white rappers worth picking from what I saw. Surprisingly one of the chicks had the gull to inform Serch that Vanilla Ice is her biggest influences considering he dedicated a whole song lampooning the future two time Surreal Lifer.
Even big surprise was the same girl, G-Girl, ended up in the final ten and made it into Tha White House (yes that is what they are calling it and there are White Trash cans inside too) in the South Bronx. And looking at the other nine, she may just have a chance of winning. The stand out contestant, and not in a good way, is John Brown. For all you college students out there that still enjoy drinking games, here’s one that will get you messed up quick, take a drink every time Jon Brown mentions “King of the ‘Burbs” or “Ghetto Revival.” No word on why the King of the ‘Burbs would want to revive the ghetto or whether or not John Brown is a sheriff or not. And it doesn’t seem like his housemates like him that much as Persia stuck her, um how do I want to put this, her self pleasuring devise in dude’s face. And he also got into a war of words with Sullee. Now that’s surprising, a dude from Boston named Sullee and he likes to throw down after too many beers. They really are breaking down stereotypes on this show.
Other contestants include include 100 Proof, the Kid Rock one of the group. Then there’s Ohio’s own Dasit although I have never once heard anyone call Toledo T-Town and I even lived with a wannabe rapper from Toledo. He’s also the first one to go so he better not ever bring that weak stuff to my homies in Yompton (Youngstown for those not in the know). Jon Boy may have the most unfortunate rap name of anyone that doesn’t have “Lil” in their name. Jus Rhyme, well I really don’t remember anything from him in the first episode. $hamrock can be best recognized as he’s the only one with those ridiculous grillz in his mouth. Rounding out the house is Misfit who hits the rap trifecta of wack being white, a chick, and British but she will uncertainly be kept around for awhile on account that she’s hot.
Verdict: All of the contestants are closer to Kevin Federline than Eminem but they are all so loony there’s bound to be a can’t miss moment every episode. And despite al the silliness there a sense of responsibility like when Persia drops why too many N-Bombs and is punished for it and they get a history lesson for Rock and Hall of Fame inductee Grandmaster Flash (surely the Flavor Flav guest spot is inevitable). And hey, at least it is more entertaining than just dudes singing karaoke.
We all have our reality guilty pleasures; some enjoy watching dudes singing karaoke while others enjoy watching rich kids talk about how hot they are. Some people somehow find enjoyment on watching people sitting around a house and do nothing 24/7. Me, my reality bane is watching has been celebrities humiliate themselves in the hopes that they may become relevant again. And no show has been better at humiliating celebrities than the six seasons of The Surreal Life that takes singers and actors from our formative years and sticks them in a house with reality stars and other people that are less famous. Now much like the show it ripped off, The Real World, The Surreal Life is bringing back some of it’s former contestants for The Surreal Life Fame Games.
As seen with the “game” played in the first episode, the show is about how much fame one has or what they will do to hang onto it. In the inaugural game, the ten Surreal Lifers had to be picked by a group of thirty random people to get a picture taken with. Who had Vanilla Ice getting the most photos? But anyways. Then the bottom three with the least amount of pictures would then have a mini game where the two losers would be banished to the “B-List” which, let’s face it, would be an upgrade for pretty much everyone in the cast. But they let the non-losers pretend they are still on the “A-List” in the lavish part of the house where the “B-List” part looked more like a low rent motel.
Ironically the biggest fame seekers, the token reality star, none of them were selected for these games. Instead the contestants were primarily made up of the token actor from the eighties and the token rocker or rapper. From season one we get Emmanuel Lewis (Webster). From the second season there is Vanilla Ice (Ice, Ice Baby), Traci Bingham (Baywatch), and Ron Jeremy (porn). After Jordon Knight (NKOTB) dropped out for personal reasons Brigitte Nielsen (Red Sonja) is the lone representative from season three. Chyna Doll (wrestler) and Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), who replaced Knight, are from season four. Pepa (Push It) is the only one who survived the infamous season five. Then C.C. DeVille (Poison) and Andrea Lowell (Playboy TV) are from the latest season.
Wait, no Flavor Flav? How can VH1 do a reality show without Flavor Flav?
Back to the game, I’m really not sure what the rules of the game are. Supposedly someone gets kicked off the show until there is only one celeb left. But all that happened was two contestants, Chyna and Mini-Me, were banished to the B-List but weren’t eliminated, or so I took from it. And instead of all the other celebrity editions game show, the person the wins gets to keep the money, and is not playing for charity which is something cheap. Couldn’t they have at least gone halfsies?
Verdict: Complete and utter trash. And I’ll be watching every week despite the disturbing Brigitte and Chyna hookup in the first episode. Go Webster! The Surreal Life Fame Games airs Sundays at 9:00 on VH1 and will most likely be repeated contantly throughout the week and will probably have twenty marathons before Groundhog’s Day.
Back in October, despite two whole months left, VH1 released it’s nominations for their Big in 2006. The nominations came so early then even had to add some nominees later because they deserved to be mentioned when talking about the year that was. Of course the nominations had to come so early because even though December was just a couple days old the channel held the awards ceremony. Well to be technical that’s just when they aired because the actual awards were likely taped days ago. But anyways. Here are some thoughts from the festivities:
- Even though the latest movie in the franchise was just released you really shouldn’t open up a show about 2006 with a James Bond parody. Although dressing D.L. Hughley up like Boret yet looking more like Steve Harvey was funny. And the monologue was great. Now if only Sorkin would let D.L. write some comedy for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (which oddly didn’t receive a mention) imagine how the show could actually be better.
- Whoever decided to pair up Tommy Lee and the cheerleader from Heroes should be charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. They hand out the Big Music Artist to Justin Timberlake. Yawn, I’m ready for sexy to go away again.
- Flavor Flav is your backstage announcer for the night and possibly got more screen time than Hughley. I am now convinced that Flav has some compromising pictures of the president of VH1.
- Umm, should I know who Miley Cyrus is? She along with Lance Bass, who somehow escapes from obscurity just for being outed, are out to announce the performance of Fergie. They put this way too early in the show because it’s too soon for a bathroom break. I really hope the Fergie era ends along with 2006 and she takes all the other faux female rappers along with her.
- Wow, Kathy Griffin is looking scarier and scarier by the minute. Give her a wig and five years and she will look exactly like Joan Rivers. Lame segment too.
- Next up are the Dancing with C-Listers losers, the dudes from Blossom and Save by the Bell who give the award for big comeback to another has been who needs a reality show to stay on television, David Hasselhoff.
- Britney Spears wins Big Mama. Keep in mind most of the voting was done before she started hanging out with Paris Hilton and flashing her kootchiepop all over the place. And to think two weeks ago no one thought there was anyway Kevin Federline could win custody of their children and now he actually looks like the better parent.
- Speaking of bad plastic surgery, here comes Jenna Jamison. But this begs the question is it really a bad face lift if no one ever looks at your face? But anyways. Lonelygirl15, who apparently has a real name, Jessica Rose, and cleans up well from all the pajamas she wears to win the Big Web Hit. Now was I just fantasizing are did Jessica ask to make a video with Jenna?
- The Killers are onstage with, like Fergie, the same song they performed at the VMA’s. Oh well, at least it’s the best song off their album. And I really like the last line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus… But more than you’ll ever know.” (Mmm, I wonder if that line will show up later this month.)
- Two actors from various CSI shows give the award for Big Breakthrough to Steven Colbert who despite being on tape is funny as usual as he has a collection of Emmys around. Odd that he pokes fun at the cast of fellow nominee High School Musical yet they weren’t mentioned in the nominee segment.
- Ice-T and his trophy wife is out to announce the best performance of the night: “Weird Al” Yankovic. I was a little disappointed that VH1 didn’t take my advice and have Al perform with Chamillionaire, but this will have to do.
- The Big Shocker goes North Korea testing the bomb. VH1 really dropped the ball by not staging an acceptance speech by bringing in the puppet from Team America.
- The Big Mistakes was another great bit by Hughley, the best being when talking about Mel Gibson blaming all the wars on the Jews, Hughley said, “I didn’t know George Bush is Jewish.” High comedy right there.
- Next out are the dude from Borat not named Borat and Brooke Hogan (it’s time to cut your loses Hulk, Brooke’s music career is officially a failure) to give the Big Reality Star to some chick from Big Brother. Really? There is something ironic (possibly sad) about people who sit around their house watching people sit around a house doing nothing.
- Xzibit announces the Big It-Girl as Katherine McVeigh. I wonder if she’s related to the dude who blew up the building in Oklahoma City.
- Nothing says 2006 like a performance by the dude from Styx. Um, yeah, okay. Apparently he was out to recognize the woman of reality TV, sadly Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge was missing. Although they made up for her absence by closing out the segment with Ms. Jay, that had me on the floor laughing.
- Umm, should I know who Perez Hilton is? Whoever he is, he really needs to invest in a speech coach. And only Paris Hilton would be so starved for the spotlight that she would actually show up to accept an award like Big Outlaw. I wonder if she realizes that we are laughing at her, not with her.
- When did the dude from X-Play start singing for The Fray?
- Nice of VH1 to award Big Entertainer to Dane Cook long after most people believed he stopped being funny. The proof was in his acceptance speech where he too a joke that should have been funny (saying he’d meet up with Lindsay, Paris, and Britney then flash his junk while getting out of a car) only to go way overboard. It’s time to learn about subtlety Dane.
- The last award of the night goes to Kiefer Sutherland for Big TV Star. Yawn. Possibly the most boring VH1 award show ever.
If you watched the Big show you undoubtedly saw some commercials for upcoming VH1 reality shows because that’s all they show anymore. Here I rank them in order of how excited I am about them.
4) I Love New York - A spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off; that has to be some sort of record. But even though I’m a huge Flavor Flav guy there is no way you can get me to watch this.
3) Tom Sizmore Show - I missed what the exact title of the show was and oddly there is no mention of it on the VH1 website, but it looks exactly like Breaking Bonaduce but without the wife. Granted there is a reason why I don’t watch that show and won’t be watching this.
2) The Surreal Life Game - The Surreal Life was a complete rip off of The Real World so it was inevitable that it would riff its spin-off, the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and just like the RW/RR I’ll watch every minute.
1) The White Rapper Show - It looks like an American Karaoke rip-off with M.C. Search of 3rd Bass as a judge. Seriously, this could be the greatest show in VH1 history. Well maybe not Pop Up Videos good, but close.
Earlier this summer, MTV had two of its reality stars release albums in the same week (see Jamie Kennedy and Cheyenne Kimball) and now MTV for old people, VH1 tries to outdo it with the release of three albums by its reality stars in a two week period. And let’s face it, Vh1 shows some of the guiltiest of the guilty pleasures. The channel started its reality empire when it fleeced The Surreal Life from the now defunct WB in its third season. That was the season that brought us the very first reality show for the greatest hype man in the business, Flavor Flav, who would later go on to star in two spin-offs, Strange Love and Flavor of Love, whose two finales garnered VH1 its two highest ratings in the channel’s history.
And I was one of the seven million that say New York get rejected not once, but twice. The main reason why I sat there week in and week out was because I am a long time fan of Public Enemy and will support the group no matter how trashy the venue is. Okay so the main reason I watched Flavor of Love was I find woman degrading themselves just to get on television entertaining and will stoop so low to hook up with a midget, crack-head on the wrong side of forty just to get screen time. But anyways.
To coincide with the finale of his show, the former William Drayton has released his first solo album that has been in the works for a while. The problem though with a Flavor Flav solo album is that he as his best as the hype man and not the center of attention and just making an occasional comment to Chuck D’s political words. Yeah 911 Is a Joke is a classic, but do you really want to hear a whole album full of those types of song? Listening to Flavor Flav answers that question with a no. The bright spot on the album is the production which Flav does most of as well as play most of the instrumentation himself (young Drayton was a trained classical pianist). But really the only song of any interest would be for those that have wanted to get the Flavor of Love theme song that shows up on the album as Flavor-Man.
New to the reality game is Ice-T who has been biding his time in recent years on the set of one of the Law & Order shows. But he got recruited by VH1 to turn eight middle schoolers at a prep school into a rap group. The show is surprisingly heartfelt and okay for the whole family with the Iceman actually doing a good job teaching the kids. But don’t bring the kids to listen to his latest album Gangsta Rap that definitely lives up to the title. The album is the first by Ice-T in seven years and still sounds like vintage Ice which is not necessarily a good thing. I’m sure if I was still a youngster who memorized every gangsta rap album I could get my hands on, this album would be right up my album. Unfortunately I have matured in my old age so nothing really strikes me on the album. And Ice replaces he usual tracks about various women with one about his wife Coco (whose appearance on the cover has gotten the album banned in a few stores) which show a softer side of the man that we haven’t hear on an album yet. But for any of you that love the watered down rap that finds its way to the radio, you may want to check out the album to here what real gangsta rap sounds like.
Then in a completely different musical direct there is the debut album from Brooke Hogan better known as Hulk’s daughter. The Hulkster has been quite open about the reason he signed up for a reality show and that was to advance his daughter’s music career using the VH1 connection to get tickets to various award shows. It eventually paid off when Brooke was the first artist signed to producer Scott Storch’s record label. Storch was also responsible for the production on Hogan’d debut Undiscovered. The album is filled with your token R&B songs over rap beats that oversaturated the market two years ago. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the voice that appears on this album sounds suspiciously like the one that appears on Paris Hilton’s album considering Storch was involved in both projects. This begs the question who’s voice is it, Brooke’s or Paris’, or could it be a third singer all, together? Either way, I smell something fishy and that fish looks strikingly like Milli Vanilli.
Flavor Flav gets a ![Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzCbHfExiuXqojow1zxkBUX6j-9BHg9IyrfzqR77jnja2Xq6dbv-7iiqMFzp_UKXGcUF9FyAHqCkNxa5uitXa5Xu2Q1OboN9-TLjsaeI1a2eoGLORU4vkTQ54l1C-_cZyn81QHyQ/s400/small_guarded.png)
on my Terror Alert Scale.
Gangsta Rap gets a ![Terror Alert Level: Elevated [YELLOW]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6-iVFV0hXCTSYP16K_V0Rrxp3GqFrtBIJKeTUyQ2LpxZQ9XKHFj6QGtqqa7oxhLadLV8vUj8R84AftD8IKUSfN0u_u0CYDtJwhrpCPN2DBWquAIDv0jbVlhZL0mDFKlPKluGyxw/s400/small_elevated.png)
on my Terror Alert Scale.
Undiscovered gets a ![Terror Alert Level: Low [GREEN]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV5jUNMqnrEt-A-laO7HQcvH_2mssvEmU-3Ljc21QB95bE8gBS-ozxxmgUMEDQnUAPq4VYFmBlF5RIkGoiRjdCR8euNAtMTAaPmay8ZF4Lg3LY4TNqjAOq_3qDmalmC9AxLMIoVw/s400/small_low.png)
on my Terror Alert Scale.
Yeah we havn’t even reached November yet, but that hasn’t stopped media outlet’s from trying to be the first to get out their Year End Wrap Out. I wouldn’t be surprised that within five years someone will be doing their Year End Extravaganza in August. But anyways. The first to reminisce about the year that was is VH1 that recently opened it’s voting for the Big in 06 Awards, click the link to vote yourself and much like the mid term elections next year, be sure to vote early, vote often., but don’t vote for the incumbents. The Big show will air December 3rd and be hosted by D.L. Hughley of the hopefully not canceled Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip who did a great job hosting the show a couple years back during the Paris Hilton sex tape era. No performers have been announced yet buy if there are any VH1 executives that are reading this, you must do everything in your power to make sure a “Weird Al” Yankovic / Chamillionaire duet happens.And now this years nominees as well as who I voted for in italics:
Big Entertainer
YouTube
Dane Cook
Jessica Simpson
Steve Carell
Johnny Depp
Gee, it looks like someone has a vested interest in the DVD sales of Employee of the Month. Way to honor Cook long after no one finds him funny anymore. And since when does two movie flops and dismal sales of an album make you a Big Entertainer? Two spots that could have went to Gnarls Barkley. Personally my vote is based on who took up the most of my time in 2006 and that was easily YouTube.
Big Reality Star
No nominees just yet. Right now you can nominate your favorite. I nominated Casey from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges: Fresh Meat/The Duel. Casey is easily the most entertaining reality star that MTV has produced in years. From fights the fights with her partner Wes, to making it to the finals without any physical attributes. Then coming back for The Duel admitting she spent her prize money on a new set of breasts. The final four will be announced November 14th and you can vote on them then. And here is who would fill out my top four: Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love), Josh (Beauty and the Geek), and Danielle’s Breasts (Survivor: Exile Island).
Big TV Star
John Stewart
Ellen Degeneres
Patrick Dempsey
Keifer Sutherland
Who would have thought back in the late eighties that twenty years later that the dudes from Can’t Buy Me Love and The Lost Boys would be nominated for this award. Granted I don’t watch either show, so I’ll go with who used to have a talk show on MTV. And where is Earl Hickey?
Big Musical Artist
Justin Timberlake
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pussycat Dolls
Shakira
No Gnarls Barkley, no, Fray, no Christina Aguilera, no Killers, no “Weird Al” yet the Pussycat Dolls get nominated. It’s official, 2006 sucked.
Big Download
Jump in My Car - David Hasselhoff
London Bridge - Fergie
White and Nerdy - “Weird Al” Yankovic
Here it Goes Again - OK Go
What’s a Date - Lonely Girl Fifteen
This is an odd category because most of these were YouTube phenomenon and you can’t actually download those videos. But I’m just knick picking. If we are going by number of YouTube views though, then OK Go should win by a landslide, but nothing beats “Weird Al” in entertainment value.
Big Mama
Madonna
Britany Spears
Katie Holmes
Brooke Shields
Yeah, this is a pretty lame category. And you can tell that the nominees were chosen in the short span between when Madonna adopted her African baby and when the father wanted the boy back.
Big Breakthrough
The Cast of High School Musical
Jamie Pressly
Steven Colbert
Sasha Baron Cohen
It looks like VH1 also has vested interest in the Borat movie by putting Cohen in the category before he even broke threw. And not to sound like a broken record but where is Gnarls Barkley. When VH1 does I Love the 00’s you know Crazy will get plenty of screen time for the 2006 episode. But of the nominees you have to go with Pressley because after staring in cinematic gems like Poison Ivy 3 and the Jerry Springer movie, she somehow became the most entertain part of the funniest show on television.
Big Comeback
Rosie O'Donnell
Al Gore
David Hasselhoff
Howie Mandel
New Orleans Saints
Much like Madonna not getting her African baby, the Saints got spanked in New Orleans shortly after the nominees were announced. Yet another reason not to do your best of the year thing before Halloween. But I voted for them just because the other nominees are iffy with two coming back via a reality show and a game show. And how can Rosie be considered a comeback when she went from her own talk show to sharing time with the chick from Survivor and two other blowhards. Maybe I should vote for Gore because the last time I didn’t vote fore him bad things happens.
Hot It Girl
Katherine Heigl
Katharine McPhee
America Ferrera
Vanessa Minnillo
Four chicks from four shows I avoid like the plague. Let’s see here, one stared in a movie that not only did no one see, I don’t must people have even heard of it (Side Effects anyone? And did anyone see the Ringer while I’m at it?) another can pull off ugly way too easy (remember the nerdy version of Rachel Lee Cook in She’s All That was stilly pretty hittable), and one has Nick Lashey stench on her. And I don’t really follow the karaoke circuit, but didn’t the last one lose? And not only lost but lost to a dude even older than me? I went with Minnillo just because she the one I’d most want to have dirty, dirty sex with which says a lot considering the whole Lashey thing. Seriously where’s Scarlett Johansson, Evangeline Lilly and Kristen Bell, can’t we resurrect Rachel McAdams career for this please. I’d even take the chicks from High School Musical or Cassie over these girls.
Big Outlaw
Paris Hilton (DUI)
Willie Nelson (Drug Possession)
Mel Gibson (DUI)
Dick Chaney (Shot Dude in the Face)
Another reason why the awards are too soon in the year, they missed Snoop Dogg’s double whammy of drug and weapon charges on two separate occasions at an airport. Despite being the only one on the list that wasn’t actually charged, I went with Cheney solely in the hope that he shows up to accept the award and inadvertently shooting Hilton in the face.
Big Power Couple
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Beyoncé and Jay-Z
Another lame award. I just went for the boys again just to see the acceptance speech which could be interrupted by Jake Gyllenhaal who was jealous that he wasn’t nominated with them.
Big Shocker
North Korea Tests a Nuke
Mark Foley Gets Caught
John Mark Carr Confesses
Bill Clinton Losses His Cool
It is well known that Kim Jong Il love Hollywood so if you tell him Clint Eastwood id there, he may just show up to accept the award so that why I voted for him. And if he doesn’t show you have the potential for the Kim Jong Il marionette from Team America to accept the award; either way this could be the most entertaining part of the whole show.
Back in 2003, in a time when Jack Black was still funny, he made a movie called School of Rock where Black played a long term substitute teacher at a private school who taught his class how to rock so he could enter a battle of the bands. This then spun off a reality show where Gene Simmons of Kiss did basically the same thing, but with the private school’s approval that naturally appeared on VH1. VH1 is now taking the same concept but with rap and the original gangsta himself, Ice-T as the educator in the appropriately titled Ice-T’s Rap School. Iceberg now has a couple weeks to school the Middle Schoolers in all that is hip-hop before the final exam which is opening up for Public Enemy. Of course it’s Public Enemy because VH1 much fill their minimum requirement to feature Favor Flav on their channel.
But the stars of the show are the students that have no clue how to rap and weren’t even born when Ice recorded New Jack Hustler. The standout is Sophia who complained after Ice announced they were taking a field trip to the South Bronx that she would be shot, murdered, and raped. Then later she endured herself less to Ice when she said that sunglasses he handpicked for her to were “Ghetto.” If Sophia moved out to the west coast in two or three years she could easily be the new star of Laguna Beach. Then there is Dodge who wears pinstripe suits over his prep school uniform and listens to old school music. And by old school I’m not referring to Ice-T, no even older like stuff from the forties.
The cast is rounded out by a student with a stutter, your token kid with a bad case of attention deficit disorder, the stock market playing kid, the uber-shy fat chick, the poor girl who attends the school on scholarship, and another token mean girl that is Sophia’s running mate. The very British headmaster may be showing up quite often as Ice got called to the principal’s office in his first week complaining that he was dressing the kids up like little gangstas. Apparently Mr. Headmaster didn’t do his homework before letting Ice-T supervise his students. Not to mention I don’t think Ice is Highly Qualified under the No Child Behind Act.
Verdict: For a guy who made his living on very aggressive lyrics, Ice surprising is very good around the kids (maybe it’s all those years seeing the bad side of adults and how they treat children with his tenure on Law and Order). Ice-T’s Rap School is a show that is actually something for the whole family, which is rare on television these days. New episodes of Ice-T’s Rap School airs Fridays at 9:00 on VH1 (of course the episodes will be repeated constantly) and you can check out deleted and extended scenes on VH1’s broadband channel VSPOT.
In a story I broke yesterday, VH1’s Hip-Hop Honors were last night and for three straight years it failed to disappointed putting the yearly event right up there with the Grammy’s and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Oddly enough for a show that celebrates hip-hop, the show started off with a bunch of people. But the Law and Order skit was hilarious with Ice-T’s cast members from SVU talking about there favorite honorees and T showing up late to ceremony only to be replaced by Mike B. Keep in mind Mike B could just be your next president. (See the end of the post for the video of the skit) As for the show, VH1 were really smart making ?uestlove of The Roots the musical director and should bring him in every year. Here are some thoughts on this year’s honorees and performances:
- The Beastie Boys kick thing off and surprisingly Tracy Morgan was actually funny intriguing them. Q-Tip, the recently bullet-ridden Fabolous, and Diddy come up in full B-Boy get up and spit probably the most recognizable Beastie verse with the start of Paul Revere but not surprisingly they cut off the song before they got to the part about the whiffle ball bat. Then the Beastie themselves came out to a rousing version of So Whatchcha Want, even switching the beat to the one from Fabolous’ Breathe.
- Now I’ve long held onto the belief that chicks shouldn’t rap, but I have to admit if I were to make a mix tape that represents 1996 for me MC Lyte’s Cold Rock a Party would be on it because no party during that summer didn’t feel right if it didn’t feature that song.
- Whenever you see a list of the greatest MC’s you will most likely see Biggie or 2-Pac, but whenever you see a list that is complied by rappers themselves, it would be Rakim that would be on top. Naturally one of the best lyricists of today, Common came out to introduce him. The tribute featuring Black Thought and Talib Kweli. Really there is no better way to start off a house party that something that features the bassline from Paid in Full. And hopefully the long delayed Rakim album comes out soon because the new track was tight especially with the Roots backing him. The horns were off the hook.
- When I first got into N.W.A. it was around the album that I can’t reprint here because my censors won’t allow it. But this was right after Ice Cube left the group and like many rap feuds back then you had to pick your side, do for years I refused to listen to Cube until he did that song with Dr. Dre. The dude from Pimp My Ride did a good job at Check Yo Self. Who knew he would rap?
- Russell Simmons gets the only non- music induction this year deservedly. Hip-Hop doesn’t reach the masses if it weren’t for Def Jam. But where was the love for his running mate at the label Rick Rubin? Nice mix of songs played during his tribute.
- With Eazy-E and Ice Cube being honored kind of makes you wonder why not honor N.W.A. as a whole? No surprise my favorite Eazy-E song, Gimmie Dat Nutt doesn’t make the tribute. Oh well. But my homies from just a couple miles north of me, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony crawled out of obscurity to perform their tribute song The Crossroads.
- I never got into the theatrics of Afrika Bambaataa but it’s nice to see him get his due and it seemed natural that Outkast introduced his tribute with George Clinton and Bootsy Collins participating. Odd that was the only honoree in the history of the show that didn’t perform.
- If there is one thing that I have learned in my life is that Wu-Tang Clan is nothing to (expletive deleted) with. Nice to see the Clan reunite on stage with all the members showing up (sans Ol’ Dirty Bastard, R.I.P.). I remember seeing the troupe perform back in 1998 when they toured with Rage Against the Machine. Granted they were a half an hour late to the venue. And when they arrived the spent time playing basketball backstage before actually coming out minus three members. And when they did they only gave a twenty minute set because they had to get off stage so Rage could do their set before curfew. So it was great to see them perform C.R.E.A.M. and Triumph with Method Man actually jumping into the crowd to spit his verse.
Looking forward to next year, here are my suggestions to honor next year: A Tribe Called Quest, Nas, EPMD, N.W.A., Leaders of the New School, and Slick Rick (feel free to share who you think should be honored and be sure to scroll down to check out my lyrics quiz to see if you can answer any that are left). You can watch performances from the show at VSPOT and I'm sure VH1 will repeat throught the next couple weeks.
There are three different reasons why someone would watch VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club: 1) For good heath tips, 2) Like other “celebrity” reality shows, to see has-been’s try for one last chance at the spot light, 3) to watch addicts go through withdrawal. As much as I’d like to say the reason I occasionally check out the show if for reason number one, the third is more realistically the reason. And lets face it as much as America wants to deny it, food has become an addiction.
Maureen McCormick
