Some Blindsides Need to Happen Before They Happen to Me

The last and only time Survivor previously aired a Fans vs. Favorites season it became so clear just how outmatched the tribes were because where the Fans are still littered with fodder, the Favorites were some of the smartest and strongest players to have never won the game. The Favorites were so much better that they actually managed to get a Fan to give up his Immunity Necklace and then promptly voted him out.

So how do you make the second installment of Fans vs. Favorites fairer? Well you bring in some of the most incompetent and least liked Survivors of the past ten seasons. You had crazy people Brandon Hantz (who did not even need to be talked into giving up his Immunity Necklace) and Philip Sheppard, turncoat John Cochran and the emotional wreck he turned on Dawn Meehan, the first ever contestant that was voted out of their first season Francesca Hogi, and they even brought back that moron who gave up that Immunity Necklace in the first Fans vs. Favorites Erik Reichenbach.

Which sounded fair on paper except the very first Reward Challenge the Favorites ended up dominating the physical challenge to the point that even Cochran won his heat. Cochran! After losing the first Immunity Challenge, the Favorites then went on to win ever Immunity and Reward Challenges until they forfeited the final Immunity Challenge before they switched up the tribes when they dumped Brandon in the very first elimination that did not happen at Tribal Council.

The swapped tribes did not favors for the Fans as they were outnumbered on both tribes (and thanks to some sleight of hand by Probst when divvying up the new tribes one tribe was loaded with all the physical specimens left) and lost two more Fans before the merge. Luckily for Sherri and Eddie, Favorite after Favorite started overplaying their hands post merge with Corinne Kaplan, Malcolm Fresberg, and Andrea Broehlke, all went home for trying to turn on their alliance before that got rid of all the Fans while Brenda Lowe made the rookie mistake of stupidly winning the Loved Ones Challenge. Phil also when home prematurely when all three members of the Douchebag Alliance held Immunity and drew the short stick. Some people give Malcolm credit for this move, but I am under the belief if you have two Idols in your pocket and are sent home the very next Tribal, that is a massive failure.

Then the finale hits and boom, Erik is out of the season ten minutes into the episode. In a season of firsts, the latest medical evacuation may have been the most shocking. I cannot even remember anyone ever being removed post-merge off the top of my head. It was disappointed that after his removal they did not go to a final two instead opting to giving the winner of the planned Immunity Challenge a clue to the Final Challenge robbing us of one more glance of Andrea at Tribal Council, who at the previous Tribal wore the greatest F-U dress ever worn by a jury member.

In the end, one of the biggest fans ever to play the game became the second player ever to get a unanimous vote with Cochran joining Earl from Survivor: Fiji. There was still one more first at the Live Reunion show with Brenda being the first player not to show up, but apparently she was too big to go flying (how did someone who did not even show up until the final two episodes almost win Player of the Season?). Another first happened when the non-jury members were resigned to audience and completely ignored by Probst instead giving away their time to Boston Rob (please go away) and Rudy (please come back for another season, even at 85, I bet you could still outlast most twenty-somethings). I wonder if this will happen in future seasons or was just a way to keep Brandon from attacking Philip live on television.

But enough with Caramoan, next season is Blood vs. Water which looks like it will be the much rumored Family Edition with returning players on one tribe and a family member of theirs on another, so Family vs. Favorites would be a more appropriate title (unless it is a tribe entirely made up of family (please God, not the Hantz's) going against a tribe of strangers). If true, this is the worst idea the show ever had, even worse than Redemption Island. It just comes off like a cheap Big Brother stunt and Survivor is usually above silly stunts like this. Instead of bringing back contestant every season (if my hunch is right, that would make it six of the last eight seasons with at least two former players) they need to find casting agents that can actually find actual interesting people instead of the current casting agents who just bring in past contests and fill the rest of the cast with models from the Abercrombie catalogue. With that said, if one of the teams turns out to be Kat from One World and her bulldog cousin, I will be fully on board Blood vs. Water. Actually just thinking of that possibility is making me excited. Excuse me while I go cyber stalk Kat to see if she disappears from the internet for the next thirty-nine days.

Survivor: Caramoan gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Caramoan on iTunes.

It's a Trap!

Even before it aired I was ready to love The Americans. It was the first show Graham Yost created after Justified, the best show on television. Then you add in Keri Russell as a Russian spy which sounded like it would be Homeland: The Reagan Years but seem from the opposition. Sure we know how the story turns out (SPOILER ALERT: the Russians lose) but Yost is a master storyteller and with the premiere set against Reagan’s election, they are still eight years away from the fall of the Berlin Wall and a full decade away from the dissolution of USSR. Not that I would mind if The Americans lasted long enough to see The Jennings adjust to the end of The Cold War.

As great as the premise, the season relied on too many television tropes. Of course the guy who just moved across the street is the newest counter-intelligence agent in the CIA who routinely is investigation The Jennings activities but never actually crosses paths with them except in the finale but did not get a good look at them in their disguises. The biggest disappointment of the first season was how uninteresting Margo Martindale. Yost brought her in after she deservedly won an Emmy for her role of Mags Bennett on Justified but her character just did not add anything as the Jennings’ handler except the time she bruised Elizabeth’s fists with her face.

But these complaints really are due to unfair comparisons to Justified and Homeland, two of my favorite shows. On its own, The Americans was still an edge of your seat cat and mouse game between the Jennings and Stan as they join each other for cookouts on their time off from spying. And where I thought from the beginning that The Jennings would eventually get turned and become double agents for the CIA at some point in the series (I always go back to the offer the turncoat KGB agent they captured offered them), the most fascinating part of the finale was when Nina’s boss made it a top priority that she try and turn Stan. Now going forward it may be a question of who turns both. Of course if this were Homeland, they probably would both turn on their country and be shocked when they run into each other at a CIA or KGB meeting.


Still, it was hard not to be disappointed by the finale. In the end nothing changed. The Jennings did not get caught and Stan and the rest of the CIA are no closer to catching than they were at the beginning of the season. I thought for sure Nina would not make it out of the season alive, or at the very least be resigned to a life in Siberia, but she is still around as a double agent, her alliances just switch back. Maybe I was just conditioned by Homeland to expect one mind blowing game changer per week (for better or worse) I was expecting The Americans would have at least one in a season. With the last scene, I thought,, okay, at least the daughter will learn of her parents double lives, but even that just ended on a cliffhanger. Did she find her parent's stash? Does it even matter? Is the son more worthless and Bobby Draper and Chris Brody combined? I guess we have to wait until next season for the answers.

The Americans 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can download The Americans on iTunes.

You Can't Fire Me, I Quit; You Think You Can Replace Me With Some Other Guy, Go Ahead, it Won't Be the Same

Recently it was leaked that the producers of The X-Factor are going to dump Britney Spears because they wanted crazy Britney and all they got was one word answer Britney. I could not help but thinking of this while watching the first season of Anger Management because I had to wonder if the producers of the show were disappointed they got bored and disinterested Charlie Sheen instead crazy warlock from Mars Charlie. But unlike Spears who could not even bring in more eyeballs than Jeff Probst on his Silver Anniversary of Survivor and looks to be one season and done, Sheen still managed to pull in cable breaking rating executing a clause that means we will get ninety more episodes of the show.

As for the ten episodes that have already aired and are being released on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, the most disappointing part of the show is not only is Sheen not crazy, he is actually supposed to play a crazy person. Supposable he is playing the Jack Nicholson character from the Adam Sandler movie of the same name that goes to extremes while hosting an anger management therapy. But Charlie’s character is not so much crazy as he is just a bad therapist. Really the only bizarre treatment he has in the first season is using sleep deprivation as a truth serum. It could be construed of hosting anger management classes at his house, but I take that more as him being lazy.

The catch is that not only is Charlie an anger management therapist, he also needs anger management. Are at least that is what the script tells us, again, we are getting boring Charlie, not crazy Charlie. The problem is the best therapist he knows, Selma Blair (Cruel Intentions), he is also sleeping with which could get into some therapist / patient moral quandaries. His personal life is made even more complicated by an ex-wife Shawnee Smith (The Blob) who seems as disinterested as Sheen on screen and teenage daughter Daniela Bobadilla (Awake) who may be the most adjusted person with OCD ever or the writers quickly forgot she has it (I also found it weird at how childish she acted but after a little research apparently the nineteen year old actress is supposed to be playing a thirteen. Usually this is where I wonder they did not get someone closer to that age, but I guess it is probably a good idea not to have a young teenager around Charlie Sheen).

Also expect many references to Charlie’s real life, the series even inadvertently starts with Sheen telling off his former bosses in a tongue and check scene. The show even brought in his real life ex-wife as a love interest and his dad Martin actually shows up as his father Martin. (Brett Butler also shows up as a bartender named Brett and Michael Boatman is Charlie's neighbor named Michael. I sense a theme.) And since he ends up moving to the same city near the end of the season, I would expect Martin to show up frequently in the future. Although it is odd with how much the writers like to reference Sheen’s past, even though the character was a professional baseball player (for a day) they manage to resist any Major League references.

But the thing about Anger Management is there is an entertaining show in there somewhere. Had they just stuck with the therapy session, the show would have been much more entertaining. In Sheen’s group, there is the entitled mean girl all grown up (the always hot Noreen DeWulf), the crappy old man (Barry Corbin, No Country For Old Men), the passive aggressive gay homosexual, and the guy who cannot get angry but always dates angry chicks (it took me about half the first season to figure this out and I am still not entirely sure why here is in the group). Sheen also does pro-bono work at a prison. The show is actually at its funniest whenever they get Sheen out his comfort zone like when Blair slaps him repeatedly or when he is forced to date a “slumpbuster” (a baseball slang for very unattractive lady). Of course they have nineties more episodes to get it right, starting with new episodes next Thursday on FX. Until then the DVD and Blu-Ray is out now.


Full Disclosure Notice: This Blu-Ray set was given to me by Lionsgate for review.

On the Next Arrested Development…

After Jericho fans flooded the CBS studios with peanuts, studios have came up with a new way temper the anger of obsessive fans by floating the idea of a movie that never ever materializes be it Veronica Mars, Angel, or Party Down. Arrested Development actually started this trend by inserting a line into the series finale, after failing to get Showtime, HBO or any other cable network, about turning the fake documentary show into a movie as suggested by the show’s narrator Ron Howard.

Years of rumors got me fed up to the point I put an Arrested Development ban until I actually saw a final product. But what you know, Netflix ended up reviving the series, the fourth season has been filmed and will be dumped all at once sometime this spring (hopefully which will be followed by a DVD release because I really do not have any desire to sign up, but I could always use their two week free preview they are always e-mailing me about) ten years after the show first premiered. Everyone will be back including guest stars Henry Winkler, Liza Minnelli, and Mae Whitman (her?)

Can the cast catch lightning in a bottle seven years after being off the air? Hopefully Mitch Hurwitz post Arrested Development endevores is not an indication (Sit Down Shut Up, Running Wilde) even if they featured numerous Arrested Development alumni. But during its original three season run, Arrested Development, this month’s induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame, was absurdist comedy at its most hilarious.

The show followed the Bluth family, who run a shady and inept real estate business that the lone good guy in family is trying to turn around. Making it even harder is his criminal father out of touch mother, the older brother who has way more confidence than he should, a younger brother with none, his superficial sister and probably gay husband. And do not forget the voice of God provided by Ron Howard. There is no joke the show could not pass up like having Fonzie literally jumping over a shark. I am not sure if the new episodes (or potential movie) will be any good but at the very least it makes for a good reason to dust off the DVD’s of the first season, or add them to your collection if they are not already there.

Now if only someone would pick up Veronica Mars: The CIA Years. Netflix? Amazon? DirecTV? Hey, it is not like The CW currently has anything better on their current schedule, maybe they can right their wrong and become an actual credible network for the first time since unceremoniously dumping Veronica Mars for something called Farmer Takes a Wife.

You’re the Smartest and the Dumbest (Expletive Deleted) Person I Have Ever Known

The first season of Homeland was quality entertainment. And the crazier that Carrie got, the more entertaining the show got. Then the episode where Carrie went off her meds was one of the most entertaining hours of television ever. But here is the thing about the first season, as crazy as Carrie was, and even though Saturday Night Live made a sketch where Fake Saul said “When has Carrie ever let me down except for every time?” she was right every time. Brody was turned; he was going to blow up the Vice President and the Director of the CIA.

Then in the second season, Carrie stayed on her meds and was relatively sane the whole season aside from the weird smile she had after kicking a Syrian in the man region and disobeying orders to storm Brody’s room to call him a disgrace to his country. She was also very wrong every time this season. And maybe it was because she was a different kind of crazy this season: crazy in love. C’mon, she gleefully arrests the guy early in the season and is quick to believe a known terrorist who killed the president (and already tried to kill Estes once already) when he said he had nothing to do with his car exploding.

And it is really hard to believe Brody. How does he not realize that forty pounds of C4 were in his back seat? Who, if not Brody put it there? And who moved his car? Galvez? It is about as believable as cold hearted assassin Quinn deciding to defy his orders (and why did Estes just give up, if I were him, I would just hire another black ops guy to kill Quinn then get rid of Brody). Unless Quinn and F. Murray Abraham wanted something happen to press their own agenda. And you know there has to be something more to Abraham than some dude who eats breakfast at the same place every day for decades.

Of course season two is just a small part of the entire season and the writers have proven to be smarter than us before. Remember everyone scoffing when Chris Brody was watching the Wizards beating the Heat as the most unbelievable storyline among a sea of unbelievable storylines. And do know what happened in real life weeks later: Wizards 105-Heat 101. But I have to say I am less excited for season three than I was for season two.

Homeland 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Anybody Else Want to Reveal That They Have an Idol?

I really hate when Survivor brings back two or three returning players. It gives the players a huge advantage because they have already played the game and it is an extreme advantage to keep around the guy (kind of sexist that it is always guys) who knows how to make a fire, camp and the ins and outs of the game. Of all the players they have brought back all but two has made it to the merge. And one of them was Russell Hantz so of course they got rid of the snake as soon as they could and even sabotaged their own tribe to get him out.

With that said I did not mind who they brought back for Survivor: Philippines. In fact when they first announced Redemption Island I thought the people they should have brought back were those that had to be removed from the game medically. If anyone deserved redemption it would be those players. Why exactly did Russell and Boston Rob need redemption? Michael Skupin, needed some redemption after falling into the fire. And finally after a decade, he gets some. And we got to see that him falling into the fire was not a freak accident, the guy is a legitimate klutz.

Also brought back was Jonathan Penner who had to leave the game the second time he played (his claim to fame from the first time was when he stupidly Mutinied and was promptly voted off). Then there was the other Russell from Samoa who’s near death experience was one of the many freak occurrences that allowed Hantz to take control of the game, and for that I will never forgive him for almost dying. Russell did not have much luck this time around because he was put with maybe the most inept ever (the hillbilly smoker, the paranoid chick, the airhead pageant queen)

But maybe it was not Russell that was cursed because right after getting voted out, his tribemate Denise got shipped off to another tribe who then lost two straight challenges (and a third went home due to, of course, medical reasons; see you in ten years Dana). Amazingly Denise survived both tribes, made it the merge, went to every tribal council (the first time ever) and still ended up winning by a landslide. It may take time to digest the season as a whole, but eventually she is in the discussion of greatest Survivor ever.

The season was also notable for have two “celebrities” on it. Celebrities in that that had a certain amount of fame, but Blair Warner pretty much has not been heard from since leaving The Facts of Life while Jeff Kent played baseball in a time when a whole generation decided not to watch. The guy played last decade and only one person recognized him (or at least told the cameras). Surprisingly the former teen star outlasted the baseball all-star. But the star of the season was the volatile Brazilian Abi-Maria who had to be the center of attention so much that after Malcolm announced he had an Immunity Idol and Probst asked if anyone else wanted to reveal theirs, she went ahead and whipped hers out in the single most memorable Tribal Council ever. I really how some wise television producers recruits Abi and Camilla from The Challenge for some sort of hot headed Brazilian reality show. I know I would watch.

Survivor: Philippines gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes over at CBS.com. You can also download Survivor: Philippines on iTunes.

I Hope Whoever Broke Your Heart Actually Got to Hear That

The last season of Switched at Birth ended with everybody learn that Emmitt and Simone had some extracurricular activities after a basketball game. It was made more awkward that each of them were dating a brother and sister combo. Naturally that blew up the current season, Toby moved on while Simone turned to alcohol. While Emmitt tried to get Bay back even though she did everything to reject him short of blaring Taylor Swift songs at him.

Granted there may still be hope for Emmitt because Bay did not run into the arms of another guy (aside from a brief tryst on a vacation), instead she ran into the arms of Ben Linus’s daughter of all people. It was the latest in a string of Bay acting act by joining a street art collective, which, like every of Bay’s adventures, ended badly. But at least it ended badly in a hilarious way especially dudes in Michael Myers masks. Although when the saga was all over, it looked like Bay mat not be playing We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together much longer.

At one point Daphne was ready to fight Bay for Emmitt but ended up with Wilke, but with him off in military school (how dare you Corbin Bernsen) she moved on to her douchebag of her boss. And just when you think it could not get any creepier, it turns out he previously dated Emmitt’s mother. Ewww. And then the season finale started out with Daphne getting birth control. Double ewww. It did lead to an Oh snap moment where mother and daughter went after each other in the bathroom where Daphne did the old tried and true I “leaned it from watching from you” defense, but instead of drugs, it was dating inappropriate men. Awesome. But not as awesome as Angelo punching Chef Jeff which may have been the weakest fake punch in the history of television.

Then the big shocker came at then end, both parents won their court case, but the Kennishs only got a dollar while Angelo got five million dollar. Wow, someone please switch my kid. Which made me wonder of Regina and Angelo would be staying at the Kennishs next season. If so, the rent will be going way up. Oh wait there was one more twist; a very pregnant woman gave looking for Angelo right after the verdict. Now I am not saying this woman is a golddigger, but…

Switched at Birth vol. 3 gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Switched At Birth on iTunes..

We've All Had Nights in Our Life Where We've Made Mistakes for Free

Ah season five of Mad Men: Zoo Be Zoo, Betty gets fat, Don murders someone, Roger drops acid, Megan eats sherbet, Rory Gilmore gets naked, the triumphant return of Paul Kinsey, Sally becomes a woman, Joan becomes less of one, Peggy watched dogs having sex, and Lane punches Pete Campbell in the face. With the long hiatus, speculation abounds as to how the fifth season of the show would start off, but who would have guessed the show would return on a happy note? Don was basking in marital bliss while Sterling Cooper Draper Price continued to thrive.

Of course Matthew Weiner lulled us into a false sense of security because as the season drug on, the shine wore off and it because pretty clear to me that the theme of season five was getting old sucks. Don could no longer keep up with his young bride which he may or may not have realized while listening to The Beatles, Peggy had to leave her mentor, Pete was exiled to the suburbs as his hairline went further back, Betty got fat, Sally got bloody, Joan had to give up herself, and Lane could not start his Jaguar. Really the only person that got out untouched was Rodger and he needed a new drug to get by. Although, depended on how you took the look Don made in the final frame, he may have made it through to the other side.

And then there was the most shocking moment of the year: Don managed to stay with one woman the whole season. Yes, Dawn was his only secretary this season despite the weirdness of sharing the same name. But we will have to wait until next season to see if he finally gets around to bedding her, because as Allison taught us, if you stick around long enough, you get to have sex with Don Draper as a Christmas bonus. I will not go much further on the individual episodes, if you want to read my thought you can hit the Mad Men tag to see my thoughts.

Of course all thirteen season five episodes are included in the three disks Blu-Ray (surprising Megan and Joan are pictured along with Don) though the two hour premiere is presented here as one episode. Like previous Mad Men seasons, there are bonus features aplenty (this is a review of the Blu-Ray, but the press release say these are also on the DVD release with four disks but I have to wonder who gets a picture on the fourth disk: Peggy? Pete? Roger?). There is Mad Men Say the Darndest Things where the writers on the show talk about some of their favorite one-liners. The take a deeper look at artist Giorgio de Century whose work inspired the Blu-Ray cover with What Shall I Love If Not the Enigma? None of the Mad Men got invited to Truman Capote’s Black and White Masquerade Ball (who knows what Roger would have done in the back room) but it is talked about in The Party of the Century. We also get to go into the studio with Scoring Mad Men: Inside a Session where composer David Carbonarra, orchestrator Geoff Stadling, and sound engineer explain the sound of the show. There is also a pictorial time line about The Uniform Time Act of 1966 which is not as boring as it sounds. I knew Daylight Saving Time was instituted during World War II, but did not know that it got revoked afterwards until 1966. Hopefully it gets abolished again. There is also Newsweek Magazine Digital Gallery that looks at some of the top stories of 1996.

The Blu-Ray also features twenty-four audio commentaries. Yes, each episode gets not one, but two separate audio commentaries. Usually one commentary is Matt Weiner and other behind the scenes people like writers, directors, costume designers, while the actors are resigned to the other but sometimes they mix it up. So if you wonder what Megan Draper thought about her dance sequence or what Lane Price thought about the penultimate episode, give the commentaries a listen. And it is not just castmembers, commentaries also feature guest stars Rory Gilmore, Julia Ormond (but not for the episode where Sally learns that grown up life is dirty), and Paul Kinsey who gets to watch his episode with Harry Crane who nails his onscreen girlfriend and explains why he had to shave his head twice for the show. The is so much content here that there should be plenty extras to hold you over until season six air even if the show goes on another eighteen month hiatus.


Full Disclosure Notice: This Blu-Ray set was given to me by Lionsgate for the purpose of review.

I Never Think, That’s What Makes Me a Good Cop

These days when looking for new shows to watch, I tend to look for actors I like or show creators whose previous work I enjoyed. As a kid I was much simpler, when I saw commercials for Sledge Hammer! I thought to myself, I enjoy the Peter Gabriel song, maybe I should watch this show. And thank goodness for Peter Gabriel because Sledge Hammer! turned out to be one of the funniest half hours ever forged for television which it is why it is this month's induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame.

The show followed Inspector Sledge Hammer of the San Francesco Police Department, who would typically solve cases violently without compassion, and usually by accident. Basically a dumber version of Dirty Harry who carried a .44 Smith & Wesson around with him at all times, even in the shower. Of course when you have amassed as many enemies as Hammer, on both sides of the law, you would be armed at all times too. His straight-(wo)man partner Detective Dori Doreau, was basically everything Sledge was not. Of course their Captain Trunk was your typically uptight boss who sole kelp Pepto-Bismol in business to help him deal with his inept inspector.

Sledge Hammer! was absurdist at its best. And the show saved the best for last. When the show looked like it was going to be canceled, the show decided to blow San Francisco up with a nuclear bomb, accidentally set off by Hammer when he tried to disarm it of course, and then still ended the episode with, “To Be Continued… Next Season?” Surprisingly the show actually did get renewed and the show took place “5 years before” despite numerous contiguity inconstancies which only enhanced the absurdist nature of the show. To this day it still weird to see David Rasche in new endeavors like Burn After Reading or most recently as a mysterious figure on Rubicon because whenever I see him I think to myself, why is Sledge Hammer acting serious? Then I have to go watch an episode or two of the funniest things ever to air.

Things Just Went from Worse to Worser

I came to the realization during this batch of Pretty Little Liars episodes that the show definitely has deep ebbs and flows. The show started on a high with the guiltiest guilty pleasure of four girls being tormented by a mad texter that may or may not have been tied to their friend who was brutally murdered. But after a season, things started to drag on until the second half of season two when they finally were building up to the big reveal of who “A” was. But when the show came back for the current third season it seemed to drag along once again even when they tried to force some manufactured drama with the “BetrAyal”.

Of course these episodes drug on for the same reason most episodes of the show drag on: the writers continue to think that Erza and Aria have some grand love affair, not a creepy, statutory relationship they do. And even though Ezra has been blacklisted from getting any job in the greater Rosewood area because his extra-curricular activities with a student, he has not only stuck around, but the writers doubled down on the creepiness by making him a father. But for some reason, despite the crazy family that has enough money to make you disappear overnight and a baby mama (hello Alex Mack), Aria for some reason has stayed by her man even though it cannot be that hard for her to find someone better than Ezra. At this point even Hermy the Hermaphrodite would be an upgrade.

As for the BetrAyal that the promo monkeys had been pushing for the past month, all signs leading up to this episode pointed to Paige which meant there was no way she would be the betrAyer. By the end of the finale it looked like Nate, or whatever his name is, was going to BetrAy Emily. So dude killed Maya, was annoyed that she love Emily so he returned to Rosewood to get back at Emily by poising as Maya’s cousin, tried to hook up with Jenna even though she may or may not have seen him with Maya, then tried to make out with Emily, and then when all else failed decided to just kill Paige instead while Emily watched. Wait, what? And did he also dig up Allison? I think I missed something. It does not help that I did not care about Nate from the beginning and his evil turn was so bad it looked like he watched Leighton Meester in The Roommate for inspiration (should have gone old school and went with Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female instead).

Speaking of painfully bad acting, just when you thought Nate was going to the BetrAyer, it turns out Toby also has a stash of black hoodies. Except I could not stop laughing at his turn at the camera at the end followed by some sort of weird mad dash around corner. And I thought nothing was going to be more awkward than the least sexy sex scene ever put to film. What is worse is that he makes no sense as a member of The A Team which I always assumed included Jenna (along with Hermy). So I guess if Toby is in and Jenna is out.. But even though the summer finale went out with a resounding whimper (alright the staging in the lighthouse looked cool), I have to say the Halloween special looks pretty coo. And keep in mind the last Halloween special is when the show found its footing again, so hopefully this year’s episode will put it on an ebb upwards again.

Pretty Little Liars 3.x (Summer) gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Pretty Little Liars on iTunes.

You Always End a Conversation One Sentence too Late

Note to self: when writing an uber-peppy script, it may not be the best idea, no matter how shocking it is, to kill off what the audience may believe to be an important character at the end of the Pilot. After one of the most promising premieres in recent memory, Bunheads had to go the downer route by killing of the main character’s husband just minutes after getting married thus tearing down what they spent the first fifty-eight minutes building up.

Not surprisingly, Hubble’s death hung like a black cloud over the first season of the show. And every time it started to pick some momentum back up, out of nowhere they had to remind you that Michelle’s husband, who she did not even really love, had died tragically. She meets a new dude, who she hits it off with, she starts balling over her dead husband after coitus. And of course he had to return for the finale in a dream sequence to up the creepy factor.

It also does not help for a shown named Bunheads, I am not entirely sure what any of the names of the dancers are besides Boo (really, how do you forget a name like that). I think the mean girl is named Sasha, but I would not bet my life on it. I just watched the finale and I still could not name the other two off the top of my head which is a shame because the tall one has the best comic timing of the bunch but she was given the least to do in the first set of episodes. Am I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing that it turned out that Mindy Riggins turned out to be the best part of the show.

But the one aspect the show had going for itself was its rapid fire delivery that, even if a pop culture reference or two went over your head, there would still be plenty of good one your recognize per episode even if there was no way a bunch of teen girls would talk about let alone even know about. I like The Ringer was too busy dancing to catch any of these references. And the season did end on a high point with one of the funniest scenes I have seen on television all year when Michelle sprayed all the dancers in the face with mace. That alone should keep me laughing until the show returns, and when it does, hopefully they can help us forget about Michelle’s dead husband.

Bunheads 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Bunheads on iTunes.

It’s The World We Live In, Not The World We Want

It was hard not to get excited for the first season of Falling Skies: Steven Spielberg producing an alien invasion show on cable, TNT at that because they apparently know drama. But those first ten episodes just fell flat. The skitters were scary in an creepy incest kind of way, but it was hard to care about the characters, and the plot, much like the characters, did not seem to go anywhere.

But early in the second season, the show, much like the 2nd Mass, found its direction. And their compass pointed south to Charleston, South Carolina. It was a long march which saw a few new obstacles like the new mini bugs that ate the dude from The Killing inside out. There an even smaller bug(? Maybe machine?) that crawled out of Tom’s eye which turned out to be a tool of the new skidder rebellion. But is that just a skidder contraption or do the Overlords have their own and planted in Hal? But none was creepier than our first look inside a harness factory where we learned the harnesses are an actual life form before being attached to the children.

Then when they finally arrived in Charleston, the 2nd Mass landed right in the middle of a political fight between a pseudo-dictator and military coup. Sure this was the weakest storyline of the season (who would actually elect John Locke to a position of power). But the vacation in South Carolina seems to be short lived as Tom intends to leave the new civilization as soon as his son gets better. Although I am surprised Tom is so quick to leave the closest thing to civilization to fight some more when he is about to become a father again. Well that was the plan until the skies started falling again.

Thanks to the promo monkeys, you knew it was coming; the only question was what exactly was in the jellyfish looking things. Thankfully this is not John Locke’s old show and we actually got to see what were driving these spaceships. It turned out to be something in a suit that looked like suits of Master Chief joined with the Blue Beetle with something reptilian looking inside. If these new creatures mate with a human and there is a lizard baby birth I am out.

The show left us with the question “Friend or Foe?” Before they scrolled down to reveal a biped, I originally thought a non-harnessed skidder was going to step out the spaceship. Of course it is possible that the harnessed skidders ended up growing the extra limbs. But I am going to answer the promo monkey’s question, with a question of my own, “Why does it have to be either or?” I have a feeling they are an enemy of the Overloards (the weapon that the 2nd Mass was build to keep these new aliens from landing) who will end up being enemies of humans. At any rate, hopefully season three continues the momentum built this season. And hopefully by the time the next episodes air, they can get me to start caring about some of the characters.

Falling Skies 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Bullets Don't Seem to Have Much of an Effect on Me Darlin'

When the Dallas reboot was announced, much like every other reboot, I found it unnecessary. Sure the original invented, or at the very least perfected the nighttime soap back in the eighties. It also created the best whodunit ever in the history of television (or so I am told, the original was a bit before my time). But it would come back a relic and would have to compete with more cerebral modern day soaps like Revenge.

It did not help when Dallas came back it returned focusing again on the very eighties plot of the hunt for oil and tried to bring it into the present with buzz words like fracking and alternative fuels. And where Revenge focused on hunting down the people responsible for the death of someone, the big struggle at the heart of the new season of Dallas was once again land. It also did not help that the signature character from the original started of the season in an almost catatonic state in a nursing home.

But once J.R. Ewing rose from his chair, put on his ten-gallon hat, and sharpened his eyebrows, things got started with double crosses (and triple, and quadruple) coming at a furious pace. And things did not slow down as J.R. and J.R. Jr. tried to outmaneuver each other and Bobby to get control of Southfork and the oil underneath it. With J.R. losing his fastball and J.R. Jr. not picking up the slack, thankfully Assistant Director Skinner stepped in as a worthy antagonist tormenting ex-wife Ann and blackmailing Sue Ellen for political favors. And tonight he will be looking for other kinds of favors from a member of the fairer sex. And all that manipulating led us to the final.

We left Dallas last week with blood splattering on a pair of teddy bears. And Rebecca and her “brother” were not the only people left in the balance as Bobby crumbed to the floor. Okay, not much of a cliffhanger because they already killed Bobby once, it is not like they would kill him off again, and if they did, it may not even stick again. Rebecca, who became the most interesting character in the second half of the season, was the more curious case. Thankfully you will not have to wait very long at the start of the finale tonight to see how the shootout played out.

With all the double dealing and devious playing, the show does find a way to wrap up all of this season plots in a nice little bow (and a little too nice) with the exception of one, which may be a red herring to misdirect you from what happens to set up the second episode. But that is excused because Dallas saved it biggest reveal for last, a shocker so big, I will not even hit at it to avoid you from spoiling yourself. I will suggest that you have the Ewing family tree handy, especially if you are new to the series. But for those spoiler hounds that just have to know how the season ends, the last sight you see tonight is “To Be Continued”. (After the finale airs I am going to add a very spoilery addition talking about the big twist, so once you watch, return here to see my thoughts).

Spoiler Alert!!! Do not read if you have not seen the season finale.

Wow, I did not see Rebecca turning out being Cliff’s daughter. That reveal had me running to Wikipedia to check out the Ewing Family Tree because I thought that would make Rebecca and Christopher cousins. But from what I understand, they are only cousins by adoption, not blood. And according to Wikipedia, Cliff does have a daughter named Pamela Rebecca Cooper. Still kind of creepy for an uncle to use his daughter to seduce his nephew, blood related or not. What really through me off the scent of Rebecca being related to Cliff, even when she met with his rent boy, was I was convinced that Rebecca was Ann’s daughter (but this is a soap opera, so that is not completely out of the question, Brenda Strong who plays Ann, was on the original series as “Cliff’s One Night Stand”). So I wonder if that was just a red herring or it will play a big role next season. But anything that keeps Assistant Director Skinner involved, I am all for.

Dallas 1.x (or 15.x depending how you look at it) gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can download Dallas on iTunes.

The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least

It is not a good sign for next season when the biggest news coming out of the Upfronts this year was Britney Spears judging a singing competition. And just when you thought The X-Factor could not be an even bigger joke, they hired a nineteen year old Demi Lovato, who is probably best known to the general public as someone who went to rehab to sit next to Britney. At least Britney is also known as a horrible singer in-between her rehab stints. Now let me go back to believing Fox does not exist.

But the most important news of the week did not even come from the networks, but instead from cable network TBS who announced during their Upfronts that they have hired a pilot presentation of a show called Norm MacDonald Is Trending. It is described as, “SNL alumnus and former "Weekend Update" anchor Norm MacDonald hosts as he and his team of correspondents sort through the churning mass of pop culture and social media to pull out the funniest, most bizarre and entertaining events so you don’t have to.” Just order that to series now TBS.

Usually around this time I take a look of all the promos for upcoming shows for next season and come up with my premature list of the best new shows of next season, except there were not really any shows that excited me that were announced (is it too late for ABC to pick up the Mandy Moore sitcom?). So this is an election year where I usually not vote for the best candidate but instead vote for the candidate I think sucks the least, here is my list of The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least:

1. Last Resort (ABC): Want to know just how bad this year’s crop of shows is? The best one can best be described as a serious version of Gilligan's Island. But I do like creator Shawn Ryan (Terriers) and actors Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age), Autumn Reeser (No Ordinary Family), and Jessy Schram (Veronica Mars), features a recurring Robert Patrick (Terminator 2) it does have the coolest premise: a nuclear submarine the refuses an order to take out Pakistan and becomes a rogue nation with its own nuclear weapon to keep them safe. Of course because of all that and its Thursday at 8:00 timeslot (which has been the ABC death slot since Ugly Betty stated to tank about four years ago), Vegas will probably put the Over / Under of episodes at 5.

2. Animal Practice (NBC): For some reason I kept thinking that the show was a drama until I saw the trailer. A trailer that featured the monkey from The Hangover Part II as a doctor. I also give this show five episodes (it is going up against established comedy The Middle, Survivor and the trainwreck that will be Britney Spears), but I will enjoy all five of them.



3. The Neighbors (ABC): A sitcom starring Jami Gertz: pass. But it also stars aliens that named themselves Jackie Joyner Kersey, Reggie Jackson, Larry Bird and Dick Butkis: yes please. If ABC does not get the rights for an Alf cameo I will be severely disappointed.

4. Nashville (ABC): I have some good news and bad news about the show. The good news is that it stars Tami Taylor. The bad news is it stars the annoying cheerleader from Heroes. Is it too late to recast her with Julie Taylor?

5. Friend Me (CBS): McLovin on CBS? A premise so stupid it may work. But to work it definitely needs a name change before hitting airwaves because it is the worst titled new show of the season not named How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life).

And since there is an abundance of horrible looking shows that will be hitting the airways next season, here is a list of The Five Shows Networks Could Not Pay Me to Watch (for at least under $100).

1. Revolution (NBC): Since J.J. Abrams is a hack who only deals in high concept / low rewards I had no hopes that the show would be any good. Then I got a look at the trailer and it managed to slither under the bar of my low expectations. You should expect some major plot holes in a J.J. Abrams show, but there are huge ones already in the first trailer.

2. The New Normal (NBC): If J.J. Abrams is the biggest hack still working in Hollywood, Ryan Murphy is the second biggest hack. And as a straight dude I am a bit offended that a show called “The New Normal” does not feature a single heterosexual man (and to a lesser extend anyone of color). What are you trying to say, straight dudes (and to a lesser extent people of color) are no longer normal? Somebody get the ACLU on the phone.

3. Partners (CBS): I know it may look bad that both gay-centric shows are in my Horrible Show list, but in my defense, I am not homophobic because I would totally push my way through a bunch of chicks to make out with Shamar Moore. That and this sitcom features Brandon Routh and Sophia Bush who makes Elisha Cuthbert look like Kristin Wiig when it comes to comedic timing.

4. Next Caller (NBC): You would think after the Chelsea Handler debacle, you would think NBC would think twice about giving a polarizing comic their own show, but coming this midseason is a show staring Dane Cook. And it is becoming very clear that Jeffrey Tambor does not know how to say “no.” Let’s go over his post-Arrested Development career: Twenty Good Years (four episodes), Welcome to the Captain (five episodes), Bent (six episodes). But I have a felling Next Caller may not make it to seven episodes.

5. Guys with Kids (NBC): If it were not for Sophia Bush, Jamie Lynn Sigler would have easily won the Why the Frack Is Jack Bauer’s Daughter in a Comedy Award that goes to the most head scratching casting decision of the season. Also the promo for the show features three guys giving chest bumps with their babies. Seriously.

Enough of the crap, here is what I will be watching next season:

Mondays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
9:00 – Go On (NBC)
9:00 – Happy Endings (ABC)
9:30 – Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (ABC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 – Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Suburgatory (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:00 - Last Resort (ABC)

Fridays (TGIF returns! Sort of)
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – Community (NBC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
9:00 – Dexter (Showtime)
10:00 – Homeland (Showtime)