We on Award Tour - 2005 Video Music Awards Recap

The MTV Video Music Awards have come and gone this year. A lot of cool thing that happened this year, but much like last year, there was not a defining water cooler moment again granted I was at the water cooler today gushing over the return of Beavis and Butthead. Diddy was your host and he didn’t suck as bad as the Wayans Brothers yet he came no where close to Chris Rock, Dennis Miller or even Arsinio Hall. And why has no one pointed out the Diddy has adopted the name of a cheesy rap song from the early 90’s yet. Am I the only one who remembers that song? “Do the diddy if you won’t do me cause damn I can see that you want me.” But anyways, here are some of my highlights from the show:

Pre-Show
- So there was a car show of the pimpest rides on the pre-show with Green Day’s car from the Holiday video stealing the show. But can we retire the word “pimp” as a positive adjective. Let’s not forget a true pimp is someone who forces women to sell their bodies for money. This is a word that should ever be glorified.

- Also part of the car show was Ludacris who drove in a custom Louis Vuittan car. Did I miss something; I thought LV was for chicks. Any guy I see with LV gets mocked thoroughly.

- The Game also rolled up in his car. Although the commentator called him just Game. So what is it, “The Game” or just “Game?” Did he drop the "The" like Diddy dropped the "P?" I’m just a corny old white dude; I need help figuring these things out.

- MTV apparently has a new fashion consultant, Coltrane. Just what MTV needs, their very on Joan Rivers critiquing clothes.

- During the pre-show, they were hawking a new Madonna concert DVD. Is there anyone who would actually spend money to see a 40 year old lip-sync?

- Okay, it seems that Houston is the new hot rap city, but after hearing the medley of Houston rappers perform, I think it may be time to move to the next city. Topeka anyone?

- Yes, those were Ice-T’s wife’s nipples you saw. Brings back fond memories of Rose McGowan.

- John Norris was heard asking everyone who is going to win the big prize but would always interject, “A lot of people say Kanye will take home the big one.” John, actually you were the only one who was saying it.

The Main Show
- Odd choice with a Green Day performing a relatively low key Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Not quite as good as my suggestion.

- Yes that was a teleprompter you saw in Diddy opening “performance.” He comes out to Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Relax, Diddy is the only one who loves the 80’s more than VH1. And for those keeping track, that’s the second gay anthem that Diddy has associated himself with, Diana Ross’ I'm Coming Out.

- The opening itself was cool, but reminded me too much as a mini version of the Olympics ceremony. The water theme was also cool, especially how they transitioned the video nominees.

- Winning the Carrie Fisher Award for hot chick that has fallen the quickest goes to Lindsay Lohan. She just gets uglier and uglier. Someone buy her a Big Mac please.

- Interesting to mix up the Best Male and Female Videos together. Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson win, okay mash-up artist, it’s time to give that a try. Behind These Gold Digging Eyes anyone?

- Big Daddy Butthead and fire loving Beavis are back. Now where exactly can I vote for them to get back on MTV?

- I have a theory that Ciara is the black Britney Spears. Marginally attractive but shows a lot of skin – check. Limited vocal range – check. Attaches herself to an equally talent less boyfriend – check. Focuses more time on her dancing than singing – check. Make music that makes my ears bleed – check.

- Now I’m a sucker for steel drum, but I was still disappointed there was no Mike Myers during Ludacris’ performance, instead we get some dude named Bobby Valentino.

- Did Diddy really call Orlando Bloom the prettiest person in the world?

- It was nice to see Grandmaster Flash. Too bad it was ruined with a dance off between Diddy and Omarion. Which then led to the biggest surprise of the night, an appearance by Hammer? Hey, anything can happen. And yes, I still know every word to U Can'T Touch This. And thinking about it, I know Hammer wasn't a one hit wonder, but can anyone name another one of his songs?

- Worst outfit award goes to Jessica Simpson weird backless, yet still wearing a bra, French Maid ensemble. She also takes home worst hair award.

- Am I mistaken, or did Alicia Keys wear the same unfavorable, form fitting, dress as last year?

- What was with the dude with Shakira and his guitar? He only strummed it about two times; it was like members of N’Sync performing with microphone. I wonder if the dude was carrying it because he needed to hides something.

- Umm, should I know what clowning or crumping is? My spell check doesn’t even know what the crumping is.

- Missy Elliot wins Best Dance Video. Shouldn’t this award go to a song you could actually dance to?

- Holy Eric Roberts sighting! Nice plug for his step-son’s, Keaton Simons, album and website. Now how exactly do I go about getting my refund that he offered?

- Now typically I rip anyone who lip-syncs, but I’ll let R. Kelly slid on account they he gave the most entertaining performance o the night. And just when I thought nothing could top Chapters 1-5 videos for Trapped in the Closet, Kelly goes and tops himself with a one man show debuting Chapter 6. I can’t wait for Chapters 7-12. Kelly was also seen on the red, oops, white carpet wearing an “I’m Rick James’ Bitch” shirt. I’m sorry to hear that and I sure hope your crack-pipe burns have healed by now R.

- Did we really need to see a naked Sean Combs? Although Kunta Combs was funny. It was nice to see Diddy take a pot shot at half the country when he brought up his Vote or Die campaign. Which reminds me, when is Diddy going to get around to killing Paris Hilton, she didn’t even register to vote.

- Diddy announces that Hilary Duff and Joel Madden are the Jay-Z and Beyoncé of rock. Well except Jay-Z waited for Beyoncé to be well past 18 before they started dating. Now Joel may be the Roman Polanski of pseudo-punk, that might be a better comparison. I wonder what the age of consent is in Florida.

- The Killers are remote from some hotel. Very Miami Vice setting, fitting for the band’s love for the 80’s is only trumped by Diddy.

- Holy Lil' Kim sighting! Shouldn’t she be in jail by now, wasn’t she convicted a couple months ago. Oh, I forgot, she’s famous (relatively), she can show up to jail whenever she want. It’s odd that all the famous guys get off yet the famous females get jail time.

- We are then treated to by an appearance by Big Daddy Poseidon and the Roman God of feces and manure. Seriously, where can I vote to get Beavis and Butthead back on the air?

- Nice tribute to Biggie although it was surprising that they went with lesser known Juicy and Warning instead of smashes like Big Poppa or Hypnotize. And they even censored the line “blow up like the World Trade,” I’m not sure that was needed. He wasn’t even alive for reason they bleeped it for. And as the ten year anniversaries of their deaths creep closer, I’m starting to begin to think that maybe Biggie and Tupac are really dead, not hanging out in Hawaii with Elvis as I previously thought.

- The classiest and least classy people, Common and Johnny Knoxville present together. I shouldn’t have to specify which is which.

- Morbidly Obese Joe presents a medley of Reggaeton artists. That was extremely horrible. This could be to my generation what rap was to my parents and rock and roll was to their parents. I really hate the whole getting old thing.

- Missy Elliot defies conventional wisdom again by winning Best Hip Hop. But then again, this category hasn’t had any credibility since Jennifer Lopez won it.

- Worst Bling of the night goes to Pharrell. This is saying a lot with all the mouth bling the Houston rappers were sporting.

- I wonder why Coldplay is now putting MTF on its piano. I’m not sure many people realized that it stands for maketradefair.com. It was nice to see Chris Martin run up to the cheap seats and get surrounded by a bunch of drunken people.

- Should I know who B5 is? And all they do is present other presenter. Was that really needed?

- Kelly Clarkson wins best pop and walks through the fountain of water to accept the award. I love the gratuitous Gwen Stefani shots after she losses. It almost like MTV was jabbing at her for threatening to not show up is they didn’t let her perform. They didn’t even show any of the Moonmen she won on the big show.

- Not since Andrew Dice Clay has MTV given a comedian air time at the VMA’s for some stand up, and this year they give time to… Dane Cook? Should I know who he is? Actually the guy was pretty funny, especially the part about putting a detonator in your kid. Maybe they should get this dude to host next year.

- The Killers win Best New Artist and for the first time ever, and drummer actually gives the acceptance speech.

- Stefani win best Diddy’s best dressed challenge even though she’s wearing some leopard spot dress out of the Soprano’s wardrobe. Obviously the female population voted for this as is it was judged by dudes Eva Longoria would have won by a landslide.

- Guided Vocal Alert! As I predicted, Mariah Carey’s performance made for a good bathroom break and her little midget showed to move around like an idiot. And if The Lox ever want to get some street cred, maybe they should stop showing up on J-Lo and Mariah songs.

- I don’t know who Paulina Rubio is, but I’m glad she wore that dress. And I like how she kept trying to say the Gorillaz couldn’t be their as the cartoon’s acceptance speech ran behind her.

- Remember when 50 Cent had credibility? His guided vocal performance was quite boring, and then brings out Mobb Deep, who just became hype men. Then come out the winner of the Macy Gray Award for lamest self promotion, Tony Yayo to perform the worst song of the medley. But thing were almost salvaged as 50 went on a tirade against Morbidly Obese Joe with plenty of obscenities making it on air. For those of those not paying attention 50 said, “Fat Joe is a…” um, as Naughty by Nature put it, “It’s another why to call a cat or kitten, there’s five letters missing here.”

- More reasons why My Chemical Romance suck, they are Diddy favorite band. I recently read in Rolling Stone that the group members are pushing thirty. That’s kind of creepy considering that their fan base is moody 14 year olds. Granted Eminem is on the wrong side of thirty and his fan base are 16 year old brats. And on the subject of MCR, is it wrong that I think the dead chick in their video is hot?

- Can anyone explain why Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are still around? This did lead to the funniest awkward moment and Lil and Billy Joe could figure out if they should shake hands, hug, or give a chest bump.

- Did Michelle from Destiny's Child really just quote Fall Out Boy?

- Green Day wins Video of the Year and gets much love from Hammer on their way to accept the award. That should be award enough.

- As for a wet Kelly Clarkson and you shall receive a wet Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if anyone let the audience know they were going to be drench because I saw a few unhappy faces in the crowd. And some one should have told Kelly that when she performs in the rain, she may not want to go barefoot, but then had they done so, we wouldn’t have seen her slip in a puddle.

And then that was it. The surprise performances were Hammer and My Chemical Romance. That can’t be a good sign for an awards show. Also, no one got shot, unless you count Suge Knight who was shot at a pre show. But he was not critically injured and neither Lohan nor Hilton got caught in the cross-fire. For those who missed the show, it’s MTV, they will repeat it constantly for a month. And in response to getting panned over AOL’s coverage over Live8, for those with Broadband, you can see the whole show, plus extras, on MTV’s Overdrive internet channel.

My final tally:

3 of 21 (.143) thought should have won.
8 of 21 (.381) I predicted correctly.

I Hope You'll Got Yo Playa Cards

I was first interested to R. Kelly in high school when a lady friend mentioned she recently bought his album 12 Play. The only song I had heard of his was the ode to sex, Bump n’ Grind. That wouldn’t be too surprising a girl listening to that kind of music today, but keep in mind I went to school a few years before girls started going wild. On my next trip to the record store, I decided to take a look at the album and it had such songs as Freak Dat Body, Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), and my personal favorite, I Like the (expletive deleted) on You. So as a teenage, I just had to buy it. Since then, I’ve bought one other R. Kelly album (the self titled one), and it also seems Mr. Kelly has gotten himself into some legal problems.

You can divide R. Kelly's latest album, TP.3 Reloaded basically into three parts, the party jams, slow jams, and the album closing five part hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet. The biggest problem with this album he avoids any uplifting songs like I Believe I Can Fly, U Saved Me, or even an I Wish type of song.

As for the party jams, all of them seem to be populated with sub-par rappers that do not stand up to the star power of Kelly. Whenever you bring guest appearances, you should always bring in someone who will make the song better not worse. The Game, the most boring rapper out today, brings an uninspiring verse on the opener Playa’s Only. Elephant Man (no, seriously, that what he goes by) completely ruins what could have be the album’s best jam, Reggae Bump, Bump. Baby just can’t compete with R. Kelly on Girls Go Crazy neither can Twista on Hit it Till the Mornin. Snoop Dogg is solid as usual but Summertime does come off almost as a remix for Snoop’s Signs.

The second part is the slow jams or as I like to put it, R. Kelly likes having sex. Lots of sex. In many different ways. The problem with that is that inherently conjures up images of Kelly, um, how do I want to put this, allegedly relieving himself on an underage girl. And yes, it’s safe to say it was his. As a wise man once told me, “You’re not going to let the captain of the football team (expletive deleted) on you.” So these songs are rendered useless because if any guy wants to hook up, he can’t put this album on and instead will have to reach for Boyz II Men because the last thing you want to do in that situation is to creep your girl out. The worst of the songs is Sex in the Kitchen that has too many double meaning that includes food. Adam Sandler did this years ago with the funny Food Innuendo Guy but Kelly doing a seriously version doesn’t work. And out of nowhere in the song Kelly screams “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad.” (Waiting to see if that gets by the censors. Mmm, apparently the censor doesn’t know the other meaning. Unfortunatly, I do) Let me just say ewwwwwwwww. That just leads credence to what allegedly went down on the video tape. I wonder if that can be admissible in court as a pattern of disgusting behavior in the bedroom?

But the highlight is the five part opera, Trapped in the Closet, that closes the album. The opera is quite easily the funniest thing ever recorded that didn’t involve “Weird Al” Yankovic. The opera is narrated by Kelly who woke up in a woman’s bed that wasn’t his wife. And apparently she is also married and her husband is on his way up the stairs. From there the opera has more turn than a NASCAR track. Each chapter of the opera builds up to a crescendo and end with a cliffhanger that rivals Desperate Housewives. For the end of chapter one, Kelly gives the play by play for the wronged husband, “He walks up to the closet, gets closer to the closet, now he’s at the closet, now he’s opening the closet, closet, closet.” I will not give anymore away as it might ruin the experience of the whole opera, but there were about ten laugh out load moments throughout the five chapters.

But wait there, is more. As if closing out the album with the hip-hopera wasn’t enough, the album is accompanied with a DVD of Trapped in the Closet with R. Kelly himself playing the lead character and other character acting out each five chapters. Nothing is funnier than when Kelly makes the sounds of a police siren, “woo, oo, woo, oo, woo, oo.” The DVD only is worth the price of admission itself and you can just use the CD as a Frisbee or something after burning Trapped in the Closet on your favorite mp3 player. For those who would like to see it for yourself 1st, check out VH1 tonight at 11:00 or you can stream the video on MTV.com.

Song(s) to Download: Trapped In the Closet

TP3:Reloaded gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Trapped in the Closet DVD gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Anyone Up For a Game of Basketball?

For years, I had to hang for by the water cooler listening to all the girls talk obsessively about crappy shows like The Bachelor(ette), American Karaoke, and Oprah, there hadn't been something from the TV that guys could talk about the day after since the heydays of Jerry Spinger (sadly this Sorority Girls doesn't count because apparently myself and a co-worker were the only ones that watched then dissected each episode the next day). Then came Chappelle's Show. It wasn't an instant cultural phenomenon. I didn't catch it until the middle of the first season with the reparations bit, "I'm rich, (expletive deleted)!" The first season also featured such instant classic as Black KKK, The Mad Real World, Wu Tang Financial, The Player Haters Ball, and the latest R. Kelly video (who doesn't have (Expletive Deleted) on You on their iPod?). But the best was yet to come as in the second season Chappelle's Show became the show guys could talk about the next day.

It would be silly to review the episodes, so instead I will countdown the top five sketches from season two.

5. Wayne Brady - When Brady said, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to slap a (expletive deleted)?" it had me on the floor for days.

4. When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Keep it real is a phrase that has annoyed me for a while so these skits were always good for a laugh especially the one with the girl.

3. Black Bush - A rare political statement from Chappelle with great takes from Mos Def as Black Ashcroft, Charlie Murphy as Black Rumsfeld and Jamie Foxx as Black Tony Blair. Check out the deleted scenes for Black Jeb Bush explaining the Florida recounts.

2. Kneehigh Park - How can you go wrong with Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest, Snoop Dogg as a puppet and a bunch of little VD puppets? I just hope that they overdubbed the lines so the kids there didn't actually hear any of it.

1. Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories - This one is a no brainer with the duel blast of Rick James and Prince. I remember reading Prince said he's constantly getting challenged to play basketball, although he never mentioned whether it actually happened or not. And it is very hard to go a day without hearing someone say, "I'm Rick James..."

This DVD does have most of the musical performances unlike the first season so we get great performances from the likes of Anthony Hamilton, Common, Kanye West (three times), Mos Def, Wyclef Jean, Snoop Dogg, and a special performance from John Mayer and ?uestlove doing a few 80's TV theme songs. I'm a huge John Mayer and The Roots fan so the skit was great to see them perform together (a side note, ?uestlove played drums on Mayer's Clarity).

As for extras on the DVD, we get the standard audio commentary by Chappelle and co-creator, Neal Brennan for five episodes. We also get about an hour and a half of deleted scenes and blooper, including twenty-three takes of Charlie Murphy laughing at Prince's challenge. But the highlights of the extra a two unaired storied by Charlie Murphy. One of which I can't believe they didn't turn into a sketch because it could have been as funny as Rick James or Prince. Then there is the extended interview of Rick James that they used for that episode. His imitation of Charlie Murphy had me on the floor. This interview would be great for any Health teacher starting the drug unit, because as Rick said just six months before his death, "Cocaine's one hell of a drug."

Chappelle's Show 2x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.