I (Heart) Madison

Now, it seems as if I’ve started a little feud with one of my Veronica Mars Blogger brethren, The Attractive Nuisance It could be feud bigger than the morons who argue whether Veronica should end up with Duncan or Logan when she obviously should end up with Dick, and may even escalate to Biggie/Tupac proportions. It all started during her review of Versatile Toppings when she said “One poor lesbian girl wrote a love poem to Madison. I'm all for girl on girl action, but...Madison? With the bitchery and the fake, pancake-y tan and Mac's biological family? That's the girl you want to make the sweet, sweet love to? Really? Um...okay.”

Being that I would totally hit that I had to leave a comment that led to this exchange:

Scooter: Would you think less of me if I said I wouldn't mind a little girl on Scooter action with Madison?

TAN: Scooter, in a show full of hot women (and hot men), Madison is the least comely among them. Maybe she's funny.

Scooter: I'm not saying that Madison's on top of my list, she's well below Veronica, Meg, rabbit girl, Carmen, Carrie Bishop and 2 of the 3 Shelly Pomroy's, but I'd still hit that.

TAN: In the words of the cast of Arrested Development...

Her?

Scooter: But in the words of the great philosopher Dick:

(Scooter Note: I have take this out because I quoted a line not yet uttered by Dick but needless to say, it's sexual in nature. I'll update you later in a Toss Up after he says the line. For those in the know, it the line about horses)

And when it comes to Madison, doesn't Dick know best?

TAN: I've learned more from Dick Casablancas than I have from, say, Hegel, but I thought Madison wouldn't let him get fresh with her. Wasn't that why he was trying to slip GHB into her drink in "A Trip to the Dentist"? Dick may not be a reliable source.


Now I killed this conversation because I forgot to check if Dick and Madison ever hooked up, but I’m still under the impression they did sometime. Why would Dick ask his ex-girlfriend for a quickie at the winter carnival if they hadn’t already did it? So I though this mini-feud was dead until I saw this on her blog when she was trolling for questions for tonight’s teleconference with Rob Thomas and Jason Dohring:

TAN: Do you think Scooter McGavin is crazy for saying he would tap Madison's ass?

Scooter: I can't wait until you ask #2 so I can be vindicated. And just so you know, if he avoids the question by bringing up his wife, that's guy code for "I totally hit that, I just don't want to sleep on the couch for a month."

TAN: I am totally asking Jason Dohring about Madison because I am confident that he will agree with me that she is a nasty whore.

Scooter: Whoa, being a nasty whore has nothing to do with if someone would "tap that ass." In fact it may increase the chance that someone would. C'mon he does play a guy who hooked up with Kendall, that's Madison in 5-10 years.

TAN: It pains me, but I think I have to concede the point, especially after I pointed out Madison's over-tanned-ness. Madison may eclipse Kendall and turn into a Louis Vuitton bag before she's Kendall's age, so if you want to tap that ass, now is prime ass-tapping time. Kendall's hair is so much better though.

I just can't understand the desire to tap Madison's ass in the first place. I mean...Kristen Bell? Even I would totally hit that. Girls who write thank you notes are sexy. But Madison?

Scooter: Well right-out-of-high-school is always the prime ass-tapping time. But anyways. And like I have said before, Madison isn't on the top of my list and is definitely behind KB, but that in no way means I'd tell her no.

TAN: Isn't it, like, in the guy rule book that you never say no?

Maybe your question to Jason Dohring can be if he will put in a good word for you with Madison.

Scooter: It's not necessarily in the guy rule book to say no, it's just you can never admit you said no unless she is beyond ugly and is consensus among all guys present that none of them would have hit it.

Unfortunately I have too many other questions, I may not get to Madison, Oh well.

TAN: I am so jealous! I can't think of anything to ask. Not anything serious anyway. Maybe I'll ask Jason to put in a good word for you as a follow up to my question as to whether other guys would hit that.

Incidentally, I don't know how old you are, but I hope it's young enough to make the comment about post-high school girls okay.

Scooter: The high school thing was just a joke, personally I prefer girls who won't be constantly asking me to buy them beer. It's probably wrong for anyone to make that statement seriously unless they are right out of high-school themselves. I just thought it was funny because I assume the chick who plays Madison, like the rest of the people on the show, is well into her twenties. Unfortunately sarcasm is hard to convey with the written word.

And maybe if you are nice to me, I'll send along some of my questions.

TAN: Nice to you, huh? Hm...let's see. I find your blog witty and indicative of a well-rounded personality. Also, your taste in women is impeccable. I'll let you debate which of those statements is true. Can I have some questions now?

Scooter: I was going to ask Rob how was it like writing then performing a song with Santana. You can go ahead and have that one.

TAN: Oh, come on. At least give me some of your C- or D-material. Everyone knows that writing and performing a song with Santana is one of those things that you think is going to be really great and then it ends up being kind of overrated and you have to wear leather pants and he just wants to talk about his new line of women's shoes the whole time. Rob doesn't want to go down that road again.

Scooter: Okay here's another one for Rob that's at the bottom of my list: Did you make Lamb a Big and Rich fan to make more evil than he already is or did you name drop them because secretly you're a fan.

TAN: Aren't Big and Rich those annoying men who sing the country music?

Here's a question I was thinking of asking Rob: Why is the movie called "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector"? Is he both a cable guy and a health inspector? If so, why is this not highlighted in the previews? If not, why isn't it either a movie about a redneck cable guy or else called Larry: Health Inspector? Is Larry not, by definition, a cable guy? Does this make any more sense than, say, MC Hammer: Attaché to Greece? Of course, at that point, I would have taken up a lot of Rob's time and been unfair to the other participants.

I could theoretically be coming up with less silly questions if I wasn't working on a summary judgment motion.

Scooter: Yeah, Big and Rich are country and sadly introduced the word to the first country rapper too. It pains me to even write that last part.

As for the movie, I just assumed all rednecks needed more than one job to help fund their meth habit.

TAN: Country rapper? I'm still grappling with the existence of Matisyahu. Wait. How can you be a country rapper? Isn't that like skiing and playing badminton at the same time?

Speaking as someone from a family full of rednecks, I can tell you that meth has gotten more expensive since Target cracked down on the purchase of OTC drugs. However, making it at home reduces the cost and is something the whole family can do together!

Scooter: Hey, didn't you watch the biathlon during the winter Olympics? That's skiing and shooting at the same time. But yeah Matisyahu creeps me out a bit, but is somewhat entertaining at the same time in a long lost son of ZZ Top sort of way. Can't they lend him that car for his next video?

I thought redneck shopped at Wallmart. I'm sure there's no cracking down there, I mean they sell guns to kids.

TAN: I didn't catch the winter Olympics. Being from Florida, the snow and ice do not interest me. I have a particular grudge against ice, since I think I slipped on it and broke my tailbone 3 weeks ago.

Rednecks like to comparison shop. Wal-Mart has a better firearms department, while Target has the superior pharmacopia.



So it's time to pick sides; either you're with me or against me. Feel free to let your opinion known in the comment section. And be sure to check back tomorrow for a report on tonight’s conference. And since there’s no Cavs game this Wednesday, the regularly scheduled Toss Up will be on Thursday.