The Ten Most Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013

It has been an abysmal year for music. In the first eight months there were only four marquee albums released by Daft Punk, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, and Jay-Z. Except Yeezus bombed, Magna Carta... Holy Grail and The 20/20 Experience will probably end up being the two best selling albums of the year but were still disappointing, and Random Access Memories has yet to garner a second hit. Just think that the next biggest release this year was the Fall Out Boy comeback. Was anyone even hoping for a Fall Out Boy reunion twelve months ago?

What is worse, the music industry has yet to create a breakout artist this year. Just think back to this time last year when Gotye, Fun., and Carley Rae Jepsen all had massive hits while The Lumineers and Of Monsters and Men were still building steam. The closest thing the music industry has to a breakout star this year is Anna kendrick. No shots at Cups because it is extremely catchy but it is sad that an acapella song by an actress from movie released in December of last year is still hovering around the iTunes top ten in September. With that said, I really hope Anna capitalizes on the success and goes into the studio to create a full version of No Diggity. At any rate, rumors are there is a Pitch Perfect Christmas album coming our way this winter.

Yeah the year in music has been extremely bad this year, but hold off declaring that 2013 has overtaken 1999 as the worst year in music ever. Usually it is hard for me to come up with five albums to make up my Most Anticipated Albums list each quarter, but this Fall I could have easily come up with a top twenty this time around and that is not even using the albums that are just rumored to be coming out sometime in the next four months like U2 and The Black Keys. Although I hope all of those marquee albums named in the TBA category hold off their albums until early next year so 2014 does not start off as abysmal as this year. Here are some albums that are scheduled to come out over the next four months. Click on the album title or art to pre-order on Amazon and the artists name to go to their iTunes page.

1. Magpies and Dandelions – The Avett Brothers (October 15): After putting out steller folk albums on their own, The Avett Brothers hooked up with uber-producer Rick Rubin for their best album to date, I and Love and You four years ago. Just last year, they collaborated again for another good album The Carpenter. So my hopes are high when they hooked up for the third time with a new batch of songs recorded during The Carpenter sessions.

2. Wise Up Ghost – Elvis Costello & The Roots (Tomorrow): When The Roots signed up as The Late Night house band, I thought it was slow down their output, but they have managed to put out as much, if not more music than ever. And it has opened them up to unexpected collaborations, The Dirty Projectors, Jim James, and Joanna Newsome have appeared on their albums and The Roots did a whole album with John Legend. And now maybe their weirdest collaboration yet with Elvis Costello. And like the previously mentioned collaborations, this one weirdly works.

3. Pure Heroine – Pure Heroine - Lorde (September 30): If you had at the start of the year a sixteen year old from New Zealand who spouts anti-materialism anthems as the breakout star of 2013, you would be raking it in right now. And while Miley is off twerking, Lada Gaga is trying to hard to be shocking, Katy is recycling songs, and Britney trying too use profanities again to jump start her career, the pop world really needs Lorde right now. Her five song EP was great and though Royals will pop up on the full length debut everything she has done so far has been great. Seriously, she even made a song off of Yeezus listenable.

4. From Here to Now to You – Jack Johnson (Tomorrow): At this point, Jack is not changing anyone's mind, and the new album will not be changing anyone's mind. But if you are already on the Jack Johnson bandwagon (like me, I own all of his albums), he has put together another set of songs that will help you remember the summer as the days start getting shorter.

5. Days Are Gone – Haim (September 30): This fall is so jammed packed with music, the two highest profiled debuts arrive on the same day (not so coincidentally, I believe this is the last day to be eligible for the 2014 Grammy Award which is why so much music is being released on a Monday instead of the usual Tuesday; and Haim and Lorde are pretty much a lock for Best New Artist along with Kacey Musgraves with the other two slots taken by Capital Cities and... um... could Anna Kendrick really get the last spot? Actually the Grammys will probably not realize 2 Chainz has been around for a decade and give him the final spot). Like Lorde, Haim put out a solid EP which mixed southern California pop with nineties RnB and somehow makes it sound awesome. Listening to Heartache Tonight biting first single, their full length debut will be more of the same (but unlike Lorde, much of their EP shows up on Days Gone By).

6. Lightning Bolt – Pearl Jam (October 14): After some unremarkable albums durning the late ninties to the early 00's, Pearl Jam has had a bit of resurgence with their last two album. They go full agro on first single Mind Your Manners which brings up memories of Spin the Black Circle off their best album. Here is hoping Lightning Blt turns out to be their best album yet, or at the very least the best since Vitology.

7. The Marshall Mathers LP 2 - Eminem (November 5): I cannot say I have ever anticipated an Eninem album, but that all chanced with the release of Berserk and word that the album is being co-produced by Rick Rubin and Dr. Dre. As you can tell by the cameo in the video Rubin was responsible for the beat, the first he has done since 99 Problems a decade ago (both sample a Billy Squire which make me wonder if Rubin will try to resurrect his career Johnny Cash style in the near future). No word of Eminem goes full retro on the whole album, but I certainly hope so.

8. New – Paul McCartney (October 15): Another artist I usually do not get too excited for, because aside from Spies Like Us, is there any other solo songs from Paul McCartney to get excited about? But for his next album, the former Beatles has teamed up with probably the best new producer of the past decade, Mark Ronson whose retro soul style helped launch the careers of Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, and Adele.

9. Speak a Little Louder - Diane Birch (October 15): As Ronson ushered in a new age of retro female British singers, American Diane Birch was unfortunately ignore with her retro leaning debut Bible Belt which was one of my favorite debuts from last decade. From what I have heard, the follow up is a bit darker with influences from eighties shoe-gazers. Hopefully the whole album is as good as the first one.

10. To All the Girls… - Willie Nelson (October 15): Willie Nelson is jumping on the duets bandwagon, but as the title suggests, he is just singing with his favorite ladies including featuring Dolly Parton, Mavis Staples, Sheryl Crow, Loretta Lynn, Wynonna Judd, Rosanne Cash, Alison Krauss, Miranda Lambert, Tina Rose, Carrie Underwood, Emmylou Harris, Norah Jones, Secret Sisters, Brandi Carlile, Lily Meola, Shelby Lynne, Melonie Cannon, and Paula Nelson.

I put together a Spotify playlist of the first singles off of the albums listed above which you can listen to at right while you peruse seventy other albums coming out this fall that should at the very least be worth a spin on Spotify.

Last Week
The Electric Lady – Janelle Monáe
AM – Arctic Monkeys
Feels Like Home – Sheryl Crow
Kiss Land – The Weeknd
B.O.A.T.S. 2# Metime – 2 Chainz
Dynamics – Holy Ghost!
Now, Then and Forever – Earth, Wind and Fire
Say That to Say This – Trombone Shorty
Sound System - The Clash

Tomorrow
New Constellation – Toad the Wet Sprocket
In Rolling Waves – The Naked and Famous
Spreading Rumours - Grouplove
Battle Maximus - GWAR
Bookmarks – Five for Fighting
MGMT – MGMT
Sun Will Rise – Animal Years

September 24

Mechanical Bull – Kings of Leon
The Diving Board – Elton John
The Last Ship - Sting
Seasons Of Your Day – Mazzy Star
Build Me Up From Bones – Sarah Jarosz
Negativity – Deer Tick
Bones of What You Believe – CHVRCHES
Wishbone – Oh Land
Shout! - Gov't Mule
Sammy Hagar and Friends – Sammy Hagar
My Brothers Keeper – K-Ci and JoJo
Metallica Through The Never (Music From The Motion Picture)
In Utero (3CD+DVD Super Deluxe Edition) – Nirvana

October 1
VII – Blitzen Trapper
Blur the Line – Those Darlins
B-Room – Dr. Dog
I'll Find A Way – The Blind Boys of Alabama
Innocents – Moby
Unvarnished – Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
Lucky Numbers - Dave Stewart

October 8
Back to Forever – Lissie
Mountains of Sorrow, Rivers of Song – Amos Lee
Bitter Rivals – Sleigh Bells
Tin Star – Lindi Ortega
You Can't Make Old Friends - Kenny Rogers
Frame By Frame – Cassadee Pope
High Rise – Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington
Melophobia – Cage the Elephant
My Name Is My – Pusha T

October 15
Let's Be Still – The Head and the Heart
Make A Move - Gavin DeGraw
Static – Cults
No Poison No Paradise – Black Milk
Mary Christmas – Mary J. Blige
Unplugged: Expanded and Remastered (2xCD+DVD) - Eric Clapton

October 22
Smoke and Mirrors – Brett Dennen
Fade Away - Best Coast

October 29
Reflektor – Arcade Fire
Night Time, My Time - Sky Ferreira
Get There – Minor Alps (Juliana Hatfield and Matthew Caws of Nada Surf)
Wrapped in Red – Kelly Clarkson
Recharged - Linkin Park

November 5
Magic Hour - Luscious Jackson
Mantangi – M.I.A.
Avril Lavigne – Avril Lavigne
Loved Me Back To Life - Céline Dion
Miami Pop Festival - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

November 12
Black Panties - R. Kelly
Under the Covers, vol. 3 – Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs
November - Grace and Tony
Inside Llewyn Davis Soundtrack
Let It Snow: A Holiday Collection - Jewel

December 3
Love, Marriage and Divorce – Toni Braxton and Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds

TBD
blackSUMMERSnight – Maxwell
The Art of War: World War III - Bone Thugs-n-Harmony
Fading West - Switchfoot
Beck
Better Than Ezra
Beyoncé
The Black Keys
Common
Danielle Bradbery
Ed Sheeran
Lily Allen
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
U2

And of course I have to mention the obligatory this may be the quarter that Dr. Dre finally releases Detox.

57 Channels and Only This Is On: 9/15/13

Ray Donovan: Even though the episode started with somebody digging a grave, I knew Micky would not be the one who would end up in it. I actually assumed it would end up being Sully no matter how ludicrous it would have been having Micky overpowering two dues while tied up. Instead it was his hook up (poor Rosanna Arquette, she deserved a better storyline than that). But there have been some eye rolling plot devises in this show but Sully believing Micky when he told him that Ray and Sean Walker set him up for his girlfriend’s murder is the most head shaking. Grantland may have to update their episode of Breaking Brad based on this past episode.


Under the Dome: First off, why was the show delay by a half an hour? I understand the US Open ran late, but could they just cut one of the repeated sitcoms that aired before it so it would air on time? Would that have been too hard? I doubt anyone would have missed the scheduled repeat of Two and a Half Men especially if its was already starting a half and hour late.

So when Barbie decided to get caught by not getting in the ambulance, I assumed he had some grand plan to clear his name. Nope. Apparently his big elaborate plan was to just hope Julia regains consciousness. How about telling the sheriff that he did not try to kill Julia and to ask Joe and the nurse, both who witnessed him saving her life, to attest to the fact. On the bright side they did kill off a useless character this episode. Granted if they killed off every useless character, there would be no show.
You can stream Under The Dome exclusively on Amazon Instant Video, free for Prime members.

Siberia: The show has come up with some silly reason as to why the cameramen continue to shoot, but they did not even bother to try explaining why the Eskimos let the cameraman keep filming. Thankfully that is the case because I laughed though that whole segment.
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Siberia on iTunes.

Sons of Anarchy: Before the episode, I had read an article saying that the administrators at Newton sent home letter to the parents that there would be a school shooting in the episode. I really hate spoilers but I think being prepared was better than the alternative. Granted this way, as soon as I realized the young boy from the opening shots was not a young Jax that he would end up being the school shooter. I did originally thought one of Jax’s kids would end up being a victim but the promo monkeys would have us believe that the only tie in to the main characters is that he used a gun brought into this country by the Sons.

I did remember that Tara was in trouble for the nurse’s death, but I completely forgot that Jax set up Clay for Pope’s murder. I also remembered that Pope set Tig’s daughter on fire in front of him and apparently his erratic behavior is the cause of that, but to me he was acting the same as he always was, downing a dude in urine and dump in the bay and then sit down and sing Otis Redding is something I have always assumed he wold do eventually.
You can download Sons of Anarchy on iTunes.

The Bridge: Being that this show, much like The Killing, is based on a Scandinavian show, I cannot help but wonder how long Sonya will be in the sling because I remember back on The Killing when the dude got beat to an inch of his life, spent a day in intensive care, and was up and about the next episode. That was of course right around the time that show went off the rails. The Bridge was been teetering on the rails for a while now, if Sonya is back to 100% by next episode, it may officially be off. But I do find it funny that the dude from Cougar Town is actually much funnier on this show than on his actual sitcom.
You can download The Bridge on iTunes.

The Challenge: Rivals II: After a pretty sedate start to the season, the real Camilla has come out exploding twice in the last three episodes. But I really liked how everyone just stayed out of the kitchen while she and Jemmye ganged up on Diem. It is a shame the last Jungle is not a physical challenge because that would have been much more entertaining than the silly hang upside-down challenge. Speaking of challenges, that last one was a dozy. Having run a mile memorize a long series of colors and run back another mile cannot be as easy as it it sounds and I was shocked that everyone got it in one try. I remember a couple seasons ago on Survivor they did a similar thing and only had to run about a hundred feet and almost everyone got it wrong on the first try.
You can download The Challenge: Rivals II on iTunes.

Best of the Week: 9/14/13

Quote of the Week: Thank you for telling me that deeply depressing story Shawn. You actually make m feel really good about myself, and that is awesome. (Daniel Frye, The Bridge)

Song of the Week: (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding (as sung by Tig, Sons of Anarchy)

Big News of the Week: 25 Anniversary of Alternative Charts: The alternative charts hit its silver anniversary this week. Granted I only knew the alternative charts still exists because Billboard ran an article last month saying that Royals was the first solo female artist to top that chart since before she was born (Tracy Bonham was the last to do so five months before Lorde was even born). Before that I just assumed the Alternative charts folded in the nineties.

Like many anniversaries, Billboard included a list of The Top 100 Alternative Song in the chart’s history and like many of Billboard lists, it sucked massively. Going into the list I assumed the obvious number one would be Smells Like Teen Spirit but apparently grunge was not alternative for Billboard because that was the only song on the list and it was only 16, it was the only Nirvana song on the list (though a scan of Wikipeadia showed that Heart Shaped Box, All Apologies, and About a Girl all topped the chart at one point) and no other iconic Seattle band made the list.

Though Billboard releases the worst lists anywhere on the internet, 100-10 was a nice trip down memory lane with great tracks by Primitive Radio Gods, Better Than Ezra, 311 (and a few artists I have never heard of, Julian Cope anyone?). Then I got to the top which was filled with mind numbingly bad selections. Muse was not only number one, but had two of the top three spots (Uprising and Madness) with some band named Rise Against in between with a song that not only never reached number one, it peaked at number three. I think most people would agree that the Golden Age of Alternative Music occurred during the nineties yet seven of the top eight sings were from the twenty-first century. This is just a farce, c’mon, no one is bouncing their grandchildren on their knees telling them about the alternative scene from the late 00’s.

Preview Picture of the Week:

“Take the Ride, Pay the Toll” The Bridge, Wednesday at 10:00 on FX

Free Download of the Week: The Hearse - Wampire (Amazon MP3)

Deal of the Week: 90's Television Shows Sale: Newsradio, Mad About You, Dawson’s Creek

New Album Release of the Week: Wise Up Ghost - Elvis Costello and The Roots

New DVD Release of the Week: Grimm: Season Two

Video of the Week: I was out on The Voice last season when the bored housewives and weirdoes pushed The Swon Brothers and Michelle Chamuel much further than their talent dictated. So I was hesitant going into season five. Then I saw this promo and after thirty seconds I am cautiously back in for two reasons: 1) I am pretty sure Cee-Lo shaved Bam Bam Bigalo’s head tattoo into his scalp, and 2) I am already ready to anoint the chick who sings The Scientist the winner after just five second. And to answer your questions to make cyber stalking easier, yes she has already been identified: Holly Henry (bonus points for the strong name, I am a big fan of name alliterations), and yes, she has a YouTube page (bonus points for The xx cover) so you do not have to put her five seconds from the video on a loop for the next ten days. You are welcome. Here is hoping Holly end up on Blake’s team assuming he does not go all country again this season (since the Blind Audition were taped after last season, I wonder if his country only season will deter non-country artists from picking him this season), and she does not get Caroline Glasered so the bored housewives and weirdoes push mediocrity through the Live Rounds. And if Holly does get Glasered, I probably will stop watching and will skip season six. Unless of course Cee-Lo shows up with a Kid n Play flattop. (Holly does cover Your Song on YouTube so if her and Caroline cannot find success after The Voice, they should think about teaming up and start an Elton John cover band).




Next Week Pick of the Week: Survivor, Wednesday at 8:00 on CBS: For the sixth time in eight seasons, Survivor is bringing back former contestants and like last season’s Fans vs. Favorites, half the cast will be made up of returnees. But unlike last season, they will not be battling fans but as the title suggest blood relatives. Okay, half are married or just dating couples, but let’s not quibble too much because there are bigger things to complain about. First and foremost is the return of Colton Crumbie, the gay racist Republican from Alabama (who will be teamed up with his fiancé Caleb). There are villains on this show that you love to hate, but Colton was not one of those, he is someone you hate so much you want to change the channel and never return.

It may not take an act of God to get rid of Colton this time around because this season will also see the return of Redemption Island (I told you there were plenty other things worth complaining about) and each tribe will be sending member straight to there at the start of the show and Colton seems like the obvious pick for the returnees (it has to be either him or season two winner Tina Wesson) while for the “Blood” Rupert Boneham’s wife Laura will probably get the early boot. And just to make things complicated, if your loved one sent to Redemption Island, you can actually take their place and they will take your place on the tribe so I fully expect Rupert to fall on the sword and take his wife’s spot (and I am guessing will be the only one to do so except maybe the two mothers) only for his wife to be the third person voted into Redemption. While I am in the predicting mood, let me go ahead and predict one of the greatest people to ever have played this game, or even walked this Earth will win this season: Kat Edorsson from One World.

Around the Tubes: 9/13/13

I have gotten a plethora of cool press releases have been flooding my inbox recently that you may find interesting. This post will include blurbs on Ironside, Welcome to the Family, Robocroc, True Detective, Killing Kennedy, House of Lies, Friars Club Roast, Troubadour, TX, Monogen, and Mob City.

- We are still a week away until the start of the Fall television season but the series premieres of new shows are already popping up onto the internet to test out before their official premiere. NBC has already put out new sitcom Welcome to the Family and Ironside (neither that actually premiere until October, 3 and 2 respectively) which I have embedded below. Personally I can wait to see Casey Cartwright play a New York City cop every week.


- With a name like Robocroc, you know it is a Syfy original movie. It is described as “Top secret nanotechnology transforms a zoo's crocodile into a massive, deadly Robocroc that wreaks bloody havoc on an adjacent water park!” Check out the trailer below and tune in tomorrow at 9:00 to watch.


- HBO just released the first trailer for its next new show True Detective which is written by Nic Pizzolatto and directed by Cary Fukunaga. It centers on two detectives, Rust Cohle (Matthew McConaughey) and Martin Hart (Woody Harrelson), whose lives collide and entwine during a seventeen-year hunt for a serial killer in Louisiana. The investigation of a bizarre murder in 1995 is framed and interlaced with testimony from the detectives in 2012, when the case has been reopened. Check out the trailer below and mark your calendar.


- The much talked about Killing Kennedy finally has a release date: Sunday November 10 on the National Geographic Channel (though no time is given yet).

- House of Lies starts productions later this month and have just signed up two guest stars. Mekhi Phifer will star as Dre, a successful entrepreneur and clothing company founder who hires Marty (Don Cheadle) to help expand his empire, while Eliza Coupe will star as Marissa, a wild-child internet company head and heir to a wealthy media family.

- Former NFL quarterback and NFL MVP Boomer Esiason will take his turn in the hot seat at the next Friars Club Roast on Thursday, January 30, 2014, at a luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel, just in time for NYC to host the Super Bowl. For the first time, a limited number of tickets to the Friars Club Roast will be made available to the public. To purchase these tickets, or for more information on the Friars Club, including the latest news on the Friars Club Roast honoring Boomer Esiason, please visit www.friarsclub.com.

- This fall, Troubadour, TX will present the one-hour television special An Evening with Kris Kristofferson, that will air on networks carrying the syndicated series. The special features a rare one-on-one conversation and musical performances by the American musical poet, Kris Kristofferson.

- Synth-pop enthusiasts will want to check out new artist Monogen. Take a listen to The Glow below:



- TNT has released new key art for the upcoming Mob City, take a gander below:

I am Sharper than a Razor, Eyes Made of Lasers

Yes the second album from Janelle Monáe, The Electric Lady is a concept album. And not only is a concept, it is actually a sequel to her debut album and an EP before that which are about time-traveling messianic cyborg named Cindi Mayweather, played by Monáe, who’s been tasked with delivering an oppressed people from the clutches of The Great Divide, a dastardly corps of other time traveling robots. But do not let the concept album label or the sci-fi plot scare you off, if you went into the album without that knowledge, you would not even notice it at all except for three interludes presented as a radio talk show host DJ. And those tracks can be easily deleted if you download the album.

On her debut, Monáe set herself up as the new millennium, slightly more feminism version of Prince with a live show reminiscent of James Brown. So it is apropos that the purple one himself shows up on the first full song on The Electric Lady pulling out his killer falsetto and a guitar solo, but the real star of Givin Em what They Love is one of the funkiest bass lines you will hear all year. This starts an onslaught of collaborations with Erykah Badu (Q.U.E.E.N.) and Solange (Electric Lady) showing the ladies can be funky on their own.

Naturally things slow down when Miguel shows up for Primetime, a song the just oozes pure sex. Ladies, you may just get impregnated by it just from listening highlighted by another great groove (seriously, Janelle’s bassist needs to show up on ever RnB record for the next decade) and is an instant add to any baby-making playlist.

After the guests have left the building (the bane of Justin Beiber fans existence Esperanza Spalding does show up on the penultimate track) and two more dance songs, it sounds like Monáe is trying to audition to sing the next James Bond theme starting with Look into My Eyes. And not one of those crappy modern day Bond Themes, but one from a cool sixties Bond movie. And though the album slows down for a bit in the second half, it does finish strong What an Experience, a syth driven song that would not have sounded out of place on the radio back when Price was ruling it back in the eighties. The Electric Lady is an upgrade over The Archandroid and here is hoping that the final saga of Cindi Mayweather is even better still.

Song to Download – PrimeTime

The Electric Lady gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I Want My Music Television: 9/11/13

There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I thought I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Berzerk – Eninem


I have never been excited for an Eminem album but it is hard not to get excited when this is the first single and the knowledge that the album is being co-produced by Rick Rubin (who did this song and pops up in the video to grow his beard out and just weird out) and Dr. Dre. And then he release this video with other cameos by Kendrick Lamar and Kid Rock as well as references to the two artists he samples, Billy Squier and Beastie Boys (for you youngin’ go check out the video for So What'cha Want for that reference).


Roar – Katy Perry


I have to admit that I do not completely hate this song which is saying a lot because that is basically the second nicest thing I have ever said about a song by Katy Perry (I file Teenage Dream under "begrudgingly enjoy"). Sure, as everyone has pointed out it completely rips off Brave from Sara Bareilles (I am surprised no one points that extending the title in the chorus blatently rips off Umbrella, and does it poorly at that), but it is so stupid, it is hard to hate. And the musc video is enjoyable… for obvious reasons.


Kangaroo Court - Capital Cities


I was a bit surprised Safe and Sound by Capital Cities ended up being the break out indie hit of the summer, it was all right, but not as good as many of its peers that toiled in obscurity. Now the duo is back hoping to avoid being one hit wonders (this song will probably will not be it) and the whole animal heads on human bodies is totally freaking me the frack out.


The Devil Put the Dinosaurs Here – Alice I Chains


Alice in Chains put out two music videos last week and though Voices is probably a better song and is only notable for Jerry Cantrell’s accountant haircut (apparently friends do let friends get friends haircuts), while the video for The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here is much freakier. Not animal heads on human bodies freaky, but freaky nonetheless.

Previewing Snake Salvation

Really my only complaint about this past season of Justified was they killed off the serpent preacher way too early in the season. For those that do not watch that show, fire off, um, spoiler alert on the preacher dying, second, start watching, it is constantly the best show on television. Spoiling the fourth season a little more, the reason he died was that his sister, unbeknownst to him, drained his serpents of their venom, and when someone brought a non-drained snake to church, the preacher handled it, was bit, and died.

His death was disappointing because I thought the snake preacher would make a good foil for Boyd Crowder. If you also wanted to see more serpent preachers, you are in luck because there is now an entire show dedicated to the profession: Snake Salvation, premiering tonight on the National Geographic Channel. It should be noted these people are morons. Really anyone who takes the Bible as a literal guidebook is a moron. The Bible is just one long parable on how to live your life, which boils down to be good to others. But these morons actually say that because Jesus said “Thou shall take up serpents,” handling snakes is just as important as the Ten Commandments. Seriously people, “Thou shall take up serpents” did not make the stone tablets for a reason, it is not important. Here is the exact quote:

“And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.” (Mark 16:17–18)

What is worse, not only do these people handle venomous snakes; they also refuse to seek medical attention if bitten claiming if they die, it is God’s will. And it is clear that they do not have a sister draining the snakes of their venom because one of the pastors lost a finger, quite gruesomely, as it literally fell off (and be warned there are graphic pictures). The pastors even take about one of their brethren who died from a bite. And then years later, his son succumbed to the fate. Hopefully the grandson, if there is one, learned from his kin’s mistake and become a school teacher, or anything that does not involve snakes.

Forget Hannibal or The Walking Dead, Snake Salvation is the scariest show on television because these people are the real deal. Thankfully we are only down to about a hundred snake handling churches in the country, and such practices, as well as snake hunting, are outlawed in Tennessee where these preachers live (hopefully the authorities pay them a visit after the show airs). But as crazy as these people are, it is hard to turn your eyes away.

Snake Salvation airs Tuesdays at 9:00 on the National Geographic Channel.