The Top Is so Much Better Than the Bottom (Yet More Boring)

Back in the late 90’s, my go to rap guy handed me a mix tape with one of the most entertaining songs I had heard in a while, How to Rob, by the then unknown 50 Cent. Since then 50 dropped classic mix tape one after another earning the title as the greatest underground MC. Then he finally got his chance after being discovered by Eminem who introduced 50 to the world on the soundtrack of his own big screen debut, 8 Mile.

Less than four years later, 50 is ready to hit the big screen himself with his own semi-autobiographical film, Get Rich or Die Trying. But where the 8 Mile Soundtrack only featured two songs from the star, 50 turned his soundtrack to his movie into essentially a G-Unit album without any rappers that aren’t part of his crew. This was a bad idea because 8 Mile brought in heavy hitters like Nas, Jay-Z, and Rakim, Get Rich or Die Trying gets weighed down by 50’s friends who makes George Bush’s accusations of cronyism pale in comparison to 50 bring in his third rate crew to the album.

The soundtrack starts off with 50’s attempt to write his own Lose Yourself with Hustlers Ambition. But where Slim Shady wrote the song in response to critic who said he couldn’t write a curse-free song, every fifth word Hustlers Ambition needs to be censored on the radio which makes me wonder why and station or MTV would play it. But for the rest of the album, most of the songs have a curse word as much as every third word. A wide man once said it’s easy to get your point across by cursing; it takes a real wordsmith to do the same without cursing. Obviously 50 likes taking easy way out.

And there in lies the problem with 50 these days. When he was unknown he was hungry, and his is music showed it and that carried over to his first major label released Get Rich or Die Trying, not to be confused with the Soundtrack of the same name. But since then he has become complacent in his rap, content to just rehash everything he has done before rather than to push his music further. This is most relevant on What If which sound much like How to Rob but instead of taking about how he would rob famous people, he instead name drops his peers taking about how lame he would be if he imitated them. Sadly he doesn’t realize he is now just a pale imitation of himself when he was relevant.

50 isn’t the only member of G-Unit who likes to rehash previous hits. On Don’t Need No Help, Young Buck rehashes the famous the classic NWA refrain, **** tha police more often than Ice Cube did on the original fifteen years ago. There is even more police bashing on the anti-snitch I Don’t Know Officer. Yawn.

Of course 50 has a bunch of songs that are reminiscing of In da Club and Candy Shop, the songs that got him on TRL in the first place with potential club hits such as We Both Think Alike, Best Friend, and Have a Party, which is bogged down by that annoying G-g-g-g-g-Unit chant every five seconds. Lloyd Bank$ even raps “I’m TRL next to Avril Lavigne” on Born Alone, Die Alone as if that’s an accomplishment. All that means is that your target audience is now fourteen year old white. So if you are not a fourteen year old white girl, you need to stay away from the Get Rich or Die Trying Soundtrack.

Song to Download – You Already Know (This is only because it has the best beat. You would be better off saving your money)

Get Rich or Die Trying Soundtrack gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Act Like You've Been There Before

I really never cared much for Terrell Owens. I’ve always gone with the “act like you’ve been there before” philosophy. Granted I thought the sharpie incident was brilliantly conceived and I like anytime someone mocks Ray Lewis. But for the most part, I know if Owens is teased to be coming up on Sportscenter, I’m pretty sure I’ll be disgusted. From his endzone celebrations, to calling Jeff Garcia gay, to all the sophomoric junk that went on this summer. After a relatively quiet start of the season, the Eagles start to lose and Owens starts up again. First was the whole Brett Farve thing that did get overplayed because less face it, if a healthy Farve was the Eagles quarterback rather than a hurt Donavan McNabb, the Eagle would be better. But the staw the apparently broke the Eagles’ back was the situation with Hugh Douglas. Now Owens has been calculating so far in what he said, but I didn’t think he would be that stupid to go Ron Artest on a former teammate. He really needs to leave the teammate punching to Big Head Barry. It’s never a good sign when a spectator compares something to a WWF situation.

Now it looks as if the Eagles will Keyshawn Owens and ship him off or even drop him in the off-season. (This just in Eagles' coach Andy Reid said Owens won't be back this season.) Would I want Owens for my team? In a word, no. I would much rather seem my team lose with class than win without it. Back in the 90’s I jumped off the Indians when John Hart assembled a bunch of hired thugs in hopes of winning like fan bashing Joey Bell, ump spitter Roberto Alomar, wife beater Will Cordero, and the craziest baseball player ever, Milton Bradley among others. I much preferred the perennial last place teams of the 80’s opposed to the 90’s thugs.

But surely Owens will find a team next season because, much like the Eagles two seasons ago, there will be a team who think they will be one playmaker away from the Super Bowl and pick him up. But every team should realize that Owens joined a great 49er team and left it in shambles and will likely do the same with the Eagles. I really doubt that this is a coincidence.

But with all the hoopla over T.O. isn’t even the most interesting football story this weekend. Apparently two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested early Sunday. And what happened make the Minnesota sex boat look like a Boy Scout retreat. Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were reportedly having sex in a nightclub’s restroom stall when they were interrupted by an angry woman waiting in line so Thomas punched her. This is quite possibly the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m sure Keathley and Thomas will be coming to a Playboy magazine near you in time for the Super Bowl issue.

In other drunken chick new, shortly after giving an interview with People Magazine talking about how she hates famous people who think they are better that other people, Ashlee Simpson was caught on a camera phone berating a McDonald’s employee, calling her an expletive, and refusing to take a picture with a fan because he wouldn’t kiss her feet. What a classy lady, maybe she should hook up with Owens. Sadly I don’t have a video of the cheerleaders, but at least the Ashlee one has made it’s way onto the web, see the video for yourself – click here.

I Want My, I Want My, I Want My Music Television

Every week I watch good ol’ Bob Ross on my digital tier because the colors of the painting of more vivid and his afro is more pronounced. Now my digital tier in the 500’s is a mix of digital, which I can watch, and high definition channels which I can’t watch due to my lack of a HDTV. So asides from The Joy of Painting, which finally got mentioned on the third installment of I Love the 80’s even though I didn’t start watching it until the mid-90s, I rarely go into the upper reaches of my cable because it’s too complicated for my feeble mind to understand.

Then a couple weeks ago, I pulled up the TV Guide that’s built into my cable system after another soothing week of Bob Ross when I noticed a new channel that wasn’t a digital or HD version of another station. Right above the digital PBS channel was a new channel called The Tube, so I though I’d check it out and once I turned it on, the channel was showing a video of Oasis’ Champagne Supernova. I was taken aback because it had been a very long time since I saw a video in the middle of the day and even longer since I saw a good one. So I sat there as video after video came on, each one good as the previous and commercial free aside from the occasional Public Service Announcement and promos for the station.

Overall, the station seems like an adult contemporary radio station but will videos and a much bigger playlist. Aside from your regular variety of videos you would see on other “video” channels, they also have an extensive library of live video that they draw from too. The main drawback of the AC playlist though is that the Foo Fighters are about as hard that the rock gets and there is absolutely no rap on the station. But it does give airtime to new artist such as Anna Nalick and Tristan Prettyman, singers that have been overlooked by other music channels and radio like Ben Harper and Citizen Cope, and even alt-country acts such as Ryan Adams and Mindy Smith that get ignored by the mainstream and Nashville.

So if you grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and miss when MTV actually showed videos or even videos that you like, check your cable system to see if you already get The Tube. Or hope over to there website, http://www.thetubetv.com/ to see if you get it in your area.

Car Mix - November '05

Every once and a while I like to make a mix tape of the best songs out there to listen to in the car. Here’s what you should be listening to.

1. Gold Digger – Kanye West & Jamie Foxx (Check out my album review - You Gotta Love it Though, Somebody Still Speaks From His Soul)
2. I Got a Woman – Ray Charles (Of course Gold Digger was built around this Ray Charles classic)
3. The Corner (Remix) – Common, Scareface, & Mos Def
4. So High – John Legend
5. I’m Feeling You – Santana, Michelle Branch & the Wreckers (See my album review - Your Fire Fills My Soul)
6. Dreamgirl – Dave Matthews Band (See my album review - Bring That Beat Back to Me Again)
7. The Mixed Tape – Jack’s Mannequin (See my album review - I'll Send This Message Through the Speakers)
8. Good Times – Tommy Lee (See my album review - I'd Rather Play You on My TV)
9. Breakdown – Jack Johnson (See my album review - We Drew Our Own Constellations)
10. Bad Day – Daniel Powter (Another good iTunes free Single of the Week)
11. Do it Again – Nada Surf
12. Last Getaway (ReAct Now: Music & Relief) – The Radiators (These next three song came from Connect.com with proceeds going to Katrina Relief)
13. Home (ReAct Now: Music & Relief) – Marc Broussard (Although the song is taken from the Connect set, if you follow this link it will take you to the iTunes store with another live version with proceeds also going to Katrina relief)
14. Wake Me up When September Ends (ReAct Now: Music & Relief) – Green Day (Again, this link takes you to iTunes version with proceeds of the song going to charity)
15. All These Things That I’ve Done (Live 8) – The Killers (Look for the Live 8 DVD coming out next Tuesday)
16. Behind These Immigrant Eyes – Led Zeppelin vs. Kelly Clarkson (Another mix tape and yet another Kelly Clarkson mash-up. I still have a couple more on my iPod)
17. In the Rough – Anna Nalick
18. Who We Are – Hope Partlow (Check out my album review - Hope Is What I'm Hoping to Find)
19. The Theme to Fame (Emmy Idol) – Kristen Bell (What should have been the winner at this year’s Emmys, check out my review - We on Award Tour - 2005 Emmy Awards)
20. They Don’t Know (World Series Remix) – Paul Wall (Thanks to some shaky umpiring, the World Series didn’t go they should have, but Astro’s fan and Houston native Paul Wall made the best pre-championship song since the Superbowl Shuffle and was able to name drop each player on the roster and front row ticket holder George Bush, that is the real one, not the pale imitation that is his son)

Record People Are Shady V

I need to make an amendment to the previous Santana review (scroll down for that) much like my post Dave Matthews Band review. And just like that amendment it has to do with copy protection. Now first off, at least the Stand Up CD had a sticker stating so and warned of it glitches and even gave a website for customer support. Of course the support told me, and anyone who asked, how to circumvent the protection rendering it meaningless, and really nothing but a minor pain. But once I put All That I Am, up came a special player for the disk. And when I tried ripping some songs to iTunes, but the songs I chose came out funny making me realize that this was a copied protected. Upon further review, there was a very small box on the back of the CD case talking in computer speak that you an only rip songs into the Windows Media Player. Then they also print that there were “Limited Copies.” How many? It doesn’t say so basically one day you will run out of copies. Granted you can make unlimited copies of your copies so again, this feature is useless and just alienates the people who buy the album, yet still has no deterrent for those who don’t.

Then to add injury to insult, I found this article after trying to rip the Santana CD, Sony unit to distribute software patch. What this article boils down to is that Sony has put spy ware that automatically uploads to your computer when it is put into your computer's CD Drive. And if you try to delete the files, it will disable your CD drive. This has to be illegal. If there any lawyers out there, this may be a good time to fire up a class action lawsuit. This is an easy case of invasion of privacy. You cannot install files on someone’s computer without his or her permission.

So do not put this, or any copy protected music in your computer. In fact, don’t buy the CD's at all and if you are interested in it, buy it through iTunes instead (check my link). So join my boycott of all copy protected music or those communist music companies will win and succeed to destroy music.

Your Fire Fills My Soul

Going with the “If it isn’t broke don’t fix it” is Santana who is back with his third installment of his duets series entitled All That I Am. Santana has always been the best idea for collaboration because unlike such efforts in the last decade from singers like Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles, Santana is more of an instrumentalist who has always had a revolving door of singers, so why not just bring in high profile singers to accompany him.

For All That I Am, Santana brought back two artists who were responsible for his biggest hits off his last couple album. Michelle Branch once again gets the lead single honors with the upbeat I’m Feeling You that could be easily mistaken for her last collaboration with Santana, The Game of Love. Both songs were much more poppy than any of Santana’s older stuff or Branch’s music for that matter, but somehow overcome cheesy lyrics, this time replacing “A little bit of this and a little bit of that” with “I’m riding the highs and digging the lows,” and are able to make a extremely enjoyable song. The other returning face is Rob Thomas who wrote and sang the first song that made Santana relevant again, Smooth. This time around Thomas is relegated to just writing duties on the Mary J. Blige sung My Man. The song also features a very unnecessary rap from Big Boi of Outkast that takes away from the song.

Other guests include Steven Tyler of Aerosmith who is rescued from the rut his band has fallen recently with the onslaught of Diane Warren ballads and poorly veiled sophomoric lyrics. Just Feel Better is the best song Tyler has been apart of since the hey day of his band in the seventies. Los Lonely Boys make an argument against being one hit wonders with I Don’t Wanna Lose Your Love which best reflects the Santana of old with its south of the border flavor and part of the lyrics sung in Spanish. Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas also show up in an almost salsa type song I Am Special which would be great at any party, but the song could get old quickly. Things slow down with the arrival of the smooth Anthony Hamilton on Twisted.

There are also some head scratching pairing on the album too, some with better results than other. First is the generational guitarist showcase with the old guard, Santana, trading licks with the heavy metal veteran, Kirk Hammett of Metallica, and the new kid on the block Robert Randolph. It's fun as a music fan to sit and try to pick out who is who on the appropriately titled Trinity. Then there is the reggae singer Sean Paul along side the soulful Joss Stone on Cry Baby Cry which combination actually sounds good. What doesn’t do as well is the inclusion of American Karaoke castoff Bo Bice on Brown Skin Girl who tries to channel the southern rock Gods of yesteryear, but comes off as exactly what he is, a pale karaoke imitation.

There are a few old Santana Mexican standards most notable Hermes that utilizes the organs, percussions, and horns just like every great Latin song. If would be hard for anyone not to dance when this comes on. In fact all of the songs without a name singer stands up to those that do on this album.

Song to Download – Just Feel Better

All That I Am gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I'm Afraid Your Both Being Let Go

Subtle comedies like Swingers and Garden State have more appeal to me these days compared to the over the top, “Dude, you just drank someone’s man juice” type of comedies. So on the surface, In Good Company looks right up my alley. The movie stars Dennis Quaid as a guy who just found out that his wife was pregnant and he was demoted following corporate takeover all within 24 hours. His new boss, played by the dude from That 70’s Show not currently married to Demi Moore, is young enough to be his kid and not necessarily qualified for the job. Then his new boss promptly hooks up his daughter completely on the down low.

Here inlays the problem with the movie, it doesn’t know if it wants to be a family drama, a romantic comedy or a social commentary on today’s corporate world. Each upon itself would make a good movie are even a combination of two would be find, but having all three storylines weighs down the movie bringing to a running time to a very long running time of two hours which is too much for this type of movie. And looking at the amount of deleted scenes, it could have gone even longer closing in on three hours. Needless to say, avoid any potential Director’s Cut that may be released in the future.

With that said, the acting almost makes up for the movie’s flaws. Dennis Quaid easily transitions himself from tough guy to family guy seamlessly while Topher Grace does a good job of walking the tightrope between being the hate-able boss and likeable boyfriend for most of the movie. Scarlett Johansson shines in the first part of the movie as the daughter/love interest, but like most everything in the movie, her character falls fall in the third act.

In Good Company gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

I'm Coming Out of the Boooooth

Adam Sandler was the best reason to watch Saturday Night Live for me in the post-Dana Carvey era. The best was whenever he’d show up at the Weekend Update desk to sing his silly little songs. Then I was introduced to his first comedy album, ironically at church camp. Aw, good old church camp where we would listen to Sandler albums, make out with chicks and get into fights. Then there was the sect that would wonder off for a smoke break. I think church camp was more immoral than regular camp. But anyways. Sandler’s They’re All Gonna Laugh at You! had us on the floor all weekend and is still good for a laugh today. And as we start November and head to Thanksgiving, the album makes a great addition to the Scooter Hall of Fame with my daily spin of the Thanksgiving Song.

The album starts off modest enough with Assistant Principal’s Big Day as the namesake in the title making some new rules as regulating smoking. Of course this takes a turn for the worse as me matter of factly orders the girls shower into his office which then disturbingly includes the men’s gymnastics team. And the album rarely slows down from there and really earns his Parental Advisory sticker as if any good parent would let his or her child listen to this.

Next we are introduced to the Buffoon who shows up multiple times throughout the album as he makes outrageous statements like telling his Dean of Admissions, played by Conan O’Brien, “I bet you got really hairy (expletive deleted),” only for the person he’s talking to, such as the Valedictorian, respond to the Buffoon in almost scientifically. The best of the Buffoon’s statement was when he told his girlfriend, “My dog has a four inch (expletive deleted).”

Another theme on the album is the severe beating of various high school employees such as the janitor, bus driver, science teacher, and Spanish teacher. These all got multiple spins when I was in high school in particular the Spanish teacher because, even though I too French, it was nice to see a foreign language teacher be taking down and try to get out of her beating by saying things such as “Me casa, su casa.” And to this day, I still sing “Mop, mop, mop, all day long…” whenever I clean stuff.

There are a couple of missteps on the album as I find nothing funny in a dude taking a monster piss and the mother repeating the album title repeatedly during Oh Mom… get tired quickly. And hearing the dial tone go on forever during Mr. Spindel’s Phone Call gets annoying. But none of these skits drag down the album too much.

The best parts of the album are the songs. There was the previously mentioned Thanksgiving Song was originally conceived for SNL. There’s also Lunchlady Land that was brought to life hysterically by Chris Farley. But the best of the best would have to be At a Medium Pace that starts out as a cheesy Michael Bolton type love song with lyrics like “Put your arms around me baby, can’t you see I need you so.” But that quickly changes as he order’s his lover to “Spit on your hand and stroke my (expletive deleted) at a medium pace. This build up to a crescendo until he again requests “Now pull up my (expletive deleted) and take the shampoo bottle out of my (expletive deleted).” If you ever want some extra hilarity, perform the song yourself as if you were reading from a Shakespearian play.

To this day, the album is still very quote worthy as I still say “You suck” like it was performed in The Cheerleader and still look for appropriate times to say “I’m coming out of the booooooth.” And whenever I play with drunken idiots I always pull out, “Look at my hand, it’s moving, but it’s not moving.” Sandler also brought in an all-star voice talent to help him out. Aside from O’Brien, there are other SNL alums such as Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows, and Robert Smigel. And with the other holidays coming up, make sure you also pick up The Chanukah Song and The Chanukah Song, part 2.

The Best of the Beastie Boys

Last week during my Fall Music Preview I mentioned that the Beastie Boys were coming out with a single disk Solid Gold Hits, not to be confused with their double disk Sounds of Science anthology that was released before their most recent record. But since I own all the studio albums by them I decide to make my own Best of the Beastie Boys CD which happens to have eight more songs than the new Greatest Hits package that will be released next week and mine clocks in at 76:33.

1. Fight for Your Right – Licensed to Ill (1986)
2. No Sleep Till Brooklyn – Licensed to Ill (1986)
3. Paul Revere – Licensed to Ill (1986)
4. Girls – Licensed to Ill (1986)
5. Hey Ladies – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
6. Shake Your Rump – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
7. Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun – Paul’s Boutique (1989)
8. Gratitude – Check Your Head (1992)
9. Pass the Mic – Check Your Head (1992)
10. So What’cha Want – Check Your Head (1992)
11. Sabotage – Ill Communication (1994)
12. Sure Shot – Ill Communication (1994)
13. Root Down – Ill Communication (1994)
14. Get it Together (with Q-Tip) – Ill Communication (1994)
15. Intergalactic – Hello Nasty (1998)
16. Super Disco Breakin’ – Hello Nasty (1998)
17. Body Movin’ (Fatboy Slim Remix) – Sounds of Science (1999)
18. Three MC’s and One DJ – Hello Nasty (1998)
19. Ch-Check it Out – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
20. Triple Trouble – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
21. Right Right Now Now – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
22. Time to Build – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
23. An Open Letter to NYC – To the 5 Boroughs (2004)

I've Got a Whole Theme Park full of Red Delights for You

Just in time for Halloween, I picked up a DVD in hope of a good scare. Constantine is yet another movie based on a comic book that even most comic book nerd hadn’t heard of. So they take the story of John Constantine on the pursuit of riding the world of demons because of something long ago that bars him from the gates of heaven. It’s extra important to get in now because a large chunk of the residents of hell were put their by him.

In the role of the title character is Keanu Reeves who will forever conjure up the thoughts of Theodore Logan no matter how serious the role. Needless to say, the slacker surfer persona doesn’t mesh well with the demon hunter. On his quest in the movie, Constantine crosses path with the chick from The Mummy movies as a detective trying to prove that her twin didn’t commit suicide. And because ever good comic book character need a sidekick and Constantine has a cab driving apprentice played by the dude from one of the Disney Channel shows that I won’t admit to watching.

One of the few entertaining elements of the movie is the unintentional comedy most notable being every moment where Reeves tries to act, and be sure to watch out for Constantine’s rubber ducky. Equally questionable casting choice was the dude from Bush showing up as the bad guy. It was extremely hard to be scared of him because whenever he comes on the screen I fell off the couch laughing.

The only redeemable aspect of the movie was the scenes of hell. They really captured what I assume hell to be, a very hot version of Earth with weird demon ready to rip the flesh. The only part missing from my version of hell would be the members of the Backstreet Boys raping me for eternity while singing their songs. In fact all the special effects were all well done. Now if they can figure out to make a CGI Keanu Reeves and the movie might have been a lot better.

The biggest crime of the movie is that they cut out what could have made the movie. If you role through threw the delete scenes you find out about Constantine’s tryst with a very hot half-demon who was cut out of various scenes in the movie. If I were to ever make rules of making a good move, number one would be “Never leave out the token hot chick.” Because of that, this movie deserves to fail.

Constantine gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

We on Award Tour - Big in 2005 Nominations

It seems like every year, the end in review gets put out earlier and earlier until eventually they will be releasing year in reviews in July just so the publications can get a jump on the others. There is already “Stars of 2005” from one of those lame celebrity mags that populate the supermarket checkout line. And now VH1 has released it’s nominations for it’s year’s end award show that usually airs the first week in December. Well it’s not like anything happens in December anyways, well asides from a virgin birth and Pearl Harbor. But anyways. Here are this year’s nominees for the Big in 2005 Awards (you can vote for your favorites over at the VH1 website):

Big Entertainer
Tom Cruise
Teri Hatcher
Kanye West
Lance Armstrong

Who I Voted For: Kanye West
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon

Kanye released the best record this year, showed up at the big events, and even mocked the leader of the free world. Cruise just mocked a has-been actress. Hatcher is on a show that is on a big downturn and Armstrong rides a bike, hardly entertaining. But no one has entertained me than the talking heads on Pardon the Interruption.


Big Music Artist
Mariah Carey
Green Day
Kelly Clarkson

Who I Voted For: Kelly Clarkson
Who Will Win: Green Day
Who Should Have Been Nominated: The Killers

Clarkson was my guilty pleasure of the year, but where are The Killers or Kanye West on the list.


Big Download
Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stafani
Mr. Brightside – The Killer
Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day
Don’t Phunk with my Heart – Black Eyed Peas
Don’t Stop Believin' - Journey

Who I Voted For: Mr. Brightside
Who Will Win: Hollaback Girl
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Boulevard of Broken Songs – Green Day vs. Oasis

I only downloaded two songs on this list with the Green Day song being the other, but my favorite song I downloaded this year was the mash up of the Green Day song with Oasis’ Wonderwall.


Big Breakthrough
Jessica Alba
Steve Carell
Jeremy Piven
Penguins

Who I Voted For: Jeremy Piven
Who Will Win: Jessica Alba
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Rachel McAdams

I haven’t watched Entourage, but I’ve been a fan of Piven since his PCU days. I could have sworn Alba had a breakthrough a couple years ago; she was a lead in a television show. But McAdams came out of nowhere, and by nowhere I mean Canada, to become a bankable lead actress.


Big Reality Star
Dog
Tommy Lee
Bo Bice
Danny Bonaduce
Kelly Monaco & John O’Hurley

Who I Voted For: Tommy Lee
Who Will Win: Kelly Monaco & John O’Hurley
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Tonya from Kill Reality/MTV

I have to admit I watched none of the shows nominated but have to go to my old standbys and ask where are Tonya and the dude from Project Greenlight?


Big Shocker
Michael Jackson is acquitted
Dave Chappelle goes to Africa
Jude Law nails his nanny
Tyra Banks boobs are real

Who I Voted For: Dave Chappelle
Who Will Win: Michael Jackson

This is a pretty lame category; really don’t have any opinions on it.


Big Feud
Tom Cruise vs. Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields
Paris Hilton vs. Nicole Ritchie
Lindsay Lohan vs. the Paparazzi
Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie

Who I Voted For: Lindsay Lohan vs. the Paparazzi
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise vs. Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields
Who Should Have Been Nominated: 50 Cent vs. Every other rapper

With 50’s verbal beat down of Morbidly Obese Joe being one of the few bright spots at the VMA’s and him beefing with Game, Nas, Jadakiss among other makes this a major oversight. But I guess that VH1 feared that they might actually show up and turn it into a Vibe Award type situation.


Big Quote
Whitney Houston “Hell to the no”
Laura Bush “I am a desperate housewife”
Jeremy Piven “Let’s hug it out, bitch”
Kanye West “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”
George Bush “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job”

Who I Voted For: Kanye West
Who Will Win: Kanye West
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Doogie Howser “Suit up”

There is a lot of Bush in this category, but after the Kanye quote, “Suit up” is the phrase that came out of my mouth this year.


Big Old School Triumph
Journey
INXS
The Fugees

Who I Voted For: The Fugees
Who Will Win: INXS
Who Should Have Been Nominated: Balkie on the Surreal Life

Another lame category because none really came back this year.


Big It Girl
Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton
Nicole Ritchie
Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach)

Who I Voted For: Kristin Cavallari
Who Will Win: Paris Hilton
Who Should Have Been Nominated: The Token Hot Chick from Lost

If Kelly Clarkson was my biggest musical guilty pleasure of the year, Laguna Beach is my biggest guilty pleasure on the TV. I know I shouldn’t watch but much like a car crash, I can’t turn around. What makes this category even more entertaining is it is rumor that many of the nominees have dated the same dudes.


Big Stylin’
Gwen Stefani
Jessica Simpson
Eva Longoria
Kevin Federline

Who I Voted For: Eva Longoria
Who Will Win: Gwen Stefani

Yawn, next.


Big Hookup
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Ben Afleck & Jennifer Garner
Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston

Who I Voted For: Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Who Will Win: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

And yet another boring category, which says a lot about 2005; worst year ever?

Sing Like You Think No One's Listening

One might think that after the amount of time I’ve spend on this blog decrying American Karaoke and its karaokers that I would avoid any cheap rip-off. And up until this point I have done my best to avoid any but that has changed with VH1’s next foray into embarrassing C-list celebrities, But Can They Sing? And really they only way I’m watching that show is if the answer is no. Looking at the contestant list, that’s a very good chance. And here are the “celebrities” that you probably haven’t heard of or you haven’t heard from them since the 80’s:

Kim Alexis – Apparently before my time but supposedly was a supermodel. She’s also married to NHL star Ron Duguay. Yeah, I don’t know who he is either.

Myrka Dellanos – She was Star of the Year for People En Espanol in 2004 but since I no hablo esoanol, I haven’t a clue who she is but I have a feeling she will be singing a lot of Shakira.

Antonio Sabato Jr. – Underwear model extraordinaire from the 90’s has been reduced to an even lower form of celebrity in recent years – soap star. But he’s the most entertain part of the commercial for the show when he says, “Can I sing? To be honest… no.”

Morgan Fairchild – People today will most likely recognize her as Chandler’s mom, but old people tell me she was really famous back in the day. Best part of her bio – “is a ballet fan and interested in anthropology and paleontology.”

Carmine Gotti Agnello – People rip Paris Hilton for being famous for doing nothing but how about being famous because your grandfather had a bunch of people killed. Plus I think Carmine spends more time grooming himself than Paris.

Bai Ling – She has basically appeared in a bunch of movies that I have never seen including Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Taxi 3 (I guess I missed Taxi 2 also).

Michael Copen – I thought VH1 was scraping the bottom of the celebrity barrel with Caprice but Copen’s claim to fame was as the blue Power Ranger. Everyone knows that the pink one was the star.

Joe Pantoliano – Seriously, Joey Pant. One can hope either him or Gotti misses a show only to found in the Hudson with cement shoes.

Larry Holmes – And here is why I will be watching the show. And I’m sure it will be much more entertain that Evander Holyfield on Dancing with the Stars.

And all of this will be hosted by Ahmet Zappa. I don’t think this can go wrong. If you can’t wait for Sunday at 10:00, check out Vh1’s V-Cast where you can catch a sneak preview of Gotti butchering an already bad Ride wit’ Me or Bai Ling channeling Madonna with a thick Chinese accent for Like a Virgin. I believe the winner will receive a cash prize for their favorite charity, and in the case of Gotti, that might just be the Carmine Gotti Agnello Fund.

Who I Will Vote For: Larry Holmes
Who I Think Will Win: Antonio Sabato Jr. (don’t underestimate the housewife voting block, ask the dude from Seinfeld).

Toss Up: Lost vs Veronica Mars week 4 1/2

Well, apparently the new evil TV Guide was wrong about a new Shannon-centric Lost last night. Have I mentioned I really, really hate the “new” TV Guide; worst idea since New Coke. But I'm hoping the mix up was that they realized that the new season has sucked massively, so they postponed the Shannon-centric episode a couple weeks to redo some things so it may actually be entertaining when it gets to air. Yet I have a feeling that the death will still be as boring as Boone’s.

Luckily without Lost I could tape Veronica Mars on the good VCR and watch the World Series and not worry about firing up the bad VCR. And there was something poetic, after the multiple shutouts against Houston this year; they would end the World Series without scoring a run in the last 18 innings. This is extra sad after all the free bags the White Sox pitching gave up over that span.

This week’s Veronica Mars itself wasn’t very entertaining this week aside from Wallace channeling The Temptations. I think this week ranked lowest in the series in the amount of pop culture references. Plus I’m really missing the Casablancas clan. It’s been two weeks now since we’ve heard from, or about, any of them. But there was plenty of plot progression. We got to find out most everything about Wallace’s dad. We know that there was an explosion on the bus before it went over the cliff. Most intriguing was we finally get to know the secret behind the new family in town, with pappa baseball star Cook pulling a Pete Rose. Yet I’m still wondering about the little spat he looked to have with good old Woody in the season opener. Plus his daughter played a great and elaborate prank on Veronica. Although I have to wonder if the physic came up with the Lilly part of if that was suggested by Jackie’s new friend Logan.

Next week, both show are in repeats but both will come back with a vengeance the week after with someone getting Lost forever (get it because Lost is the name of the show… oh never mind) and Joss Whedon in his first acting gig since the portraying dancing Numfar on Angel will be on Veronica Mars as a gas attendant.

The Fix Continues

For anyone who thought I was a crackpot for accusing the MLB for throwing the games in the White Sox favor, apparently I was right as commissioner Bud Selig even admitted his bias towards the Sox. Even though Houston played about 90% of their home games with their roof closed and had a much better record than with it open, Selig ordered the roof open citing that it would level the playing field. Of course that is code for giving the road team a better chance to win. This was a blatant move to help out the Sox. If Selig wanted a level playing field, why did he let game two be played in the cold in the rain? If fact to “level the playing field” why did they not order Chicago to put a dome over their stadium. If Selig truly want a level playing field, pull a NFL and made the series on a neutral site. And Minute Maid Park was a publicly funded stadium, who is Bud Selig to make that call? If I ran the stadium, right before the game started I would have shut the roof. As much as Selig wants the Sox to win, there is no way he would have made the Astros forfeit because of it or delay the game until the opened it and screw over their television partner in the progress. I hope the Astros organization take a stand and close the roof tonight, permission or not.

Having the roof open did come into play. Even in the most crucial situations, the crowd sounded almost as loud as when Albert Pujols hit his homerun. And on Sportscenter, someone mentioned that when the roof is open, there is a strong current flowing to right field which just happens to be the place both Sox homerun just barely got over the fence. If Crede flies out in the fifth, it’s a different ballgame. Of course if there wasn’t’ a magically shrinking strike zone that inning too (then grew against Ensburg the next inning, then shrunk once again) that might have changed thing too.

So it’s time to add yet another blemish to the Selig Era. This guy has screwed up so many times I’ve lost track. You know it’s never a good when the commissioner has to go on television minutes before a game and explain something which he’s had to do multiple times these playoffs. When was the last time you saw the commissioner for the NFL (whose name I know, I just don’t have any desire to look up to see how to spell it), David Stern (who made a funny comment saying he may make a cloths stiffen cutoff for people who make money just less that Marcus Camby, who made the outrageous request in the fist place), or Gary Bettman having to make statements during their playoffs? So if the Sox end up winning, it will be yet another thing during the Selig Era that will need an asterisk next to it.

As mad as I am about Selig’s unashamed bias, I am even madder at the Astros because they had a legit chance to end it in the bottom of the ninth. I don’t see why you don’t squeeze with your fasted runner at the plate and your second fastest on third. There is no way Taveras is popping up two bunts in one game.

Someone made a comment the other day questioning why exactly why MLB would throw the games for the Sox. A simple two point answer, the simpler being it would be a better story, as seen by last year, having a cursed team finally winning the World Series after almost a century of futility. The more logical reason would be why anyone would do something shady in the country – $. The MLB already has Fox’s money so it really doesn’t matter who’s in the fall classic not to mention viewership has been abysmal in recent years no matter who is playing, Yankees, Red Sox, the Angels in southern California. So it doesn’t really matter who’s in there, MLB will most likely be taking a pay cut in the next negotiations. And since the gate goes to the city, the only place for MLB to make money is on merchandise, which they get a major cut on. And with everyone and their mother (and grandmother, and cousins, etc) in Boston, and New England for that matter, last year picking up World Series memorabilia, they saw a potential of a repeat of that cash cow if the other “cursed” city, Chicago. If the Sox don’t blow it, everyone in Chicago, and that includes a big chuck of Cubs turncoats, will shell out a lot of money for championship money because it was the first in almost a century. Since the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels have all won in recent years, only the die-hards would buy more championship gear.

Not to mention as a Astros fan, I am well aware that many calls went the Astros way (Molina’s phantom tag, LaRussa & Edmonds having legitimate gripes about the strike zone or even getting thrown out in the first place, Selig not caring about a “level playing field”) bring in more money that way with a less rapid fan base buying up their first ever NL Championship gear. So I am well aware things have benefited my team too. Of couse I have no idea why anyone would want to throw a game for fan who beat up women like Craig Biggio’s wife. So Chicago fans beat up women, old dudes (see Tom Gamboa), what’s up next, you gonna beat up somebody’s kid at a game? What a classy town, you guys make Detroit look like alter boys. At least they attack grown men.

And if there is any reason for the MLB to let the Astros win one, there is no better one that if there is no game tomorrow, Fox will be showing the movie Maid in Manhattan and I can’t imagine anyone who could live with themselves for forcing more Jennifer Lopez on the world.