Saturday, May 07, 2005

Musings From the Back 9 vol. III

- Is there anything more annoying than the person who stands in the same place in the supermarket for minutes at a time blocking you from the Ho-Ho's that would take you a second to pick up?

- All video game nerds need to check out this movie. Warning, pop some popcorn, this is going to take awhile: PSP vs. Everyone

- Jeb Bush, with the NRA by his side, recently passed the "fight force with force" law. Great. I can't wait on my next vacation to accidentally bump into a native only for him to pull out an AK and put more holes in me than Swiss cheese. I guess Jeb isn’t a Christian like his brother because true Christians turn the other cheek. Wait, George doesn’t really turn the other cheek much either. For more on this story check out - Law Lets Floridians `Meet Force With Force'

- Sticking with the armpit of America, Florida officials said that a fourteen orphan is not mature enough to have an abortion. Great rational until some one asks, "is a fourteen year old mature enough to have a baby."

- With the last two items, one has to wonder what is going on down in Florida? Add to the list Shivo, Elian Gonzalez, voter fraud, girls gone wild, hurricanes. What was the one constant for all of this? Yeah, you guessed it, Jeb Bush. I'm not into conspiracy theories, but I have a feeling there might be a correlation. (I guess conspiracy theories aren’t that bad when I'm the one to start them.)

- The most interesting aspect of the Runaway Bride episode is, aside it surprisingly has nothing to do with Florida, is that the bride said her kidnappers were Hispanic. Fake assailants were typically reserved for African Americans, but this is what happens when you become the largest minority. So congratulation Hispanics, you have become the biggest target for racism.

- I recently have seen a slew of teenagers wears shirt that read, "Don't blame me, blame my parents." How do they get away with wearing this? Do these kids actually do their own laundry because I know from experience that I never saw my "Just Do Me" shirt again after the first time I put in the laundry bin.

- I'm sure that everyone has seen this picture by now. Bushites people have explain that it is a custom in Saudi Arabia. But Bush is not Arab, he's American. And in America, when two dudes hold hands, they are considered gay homosexuals. And Howard Dean wanted to be the first gay President. I guess you are too late Mr. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

- So
Kellen Winslow might have a torn ACL and be out for another season. Thanks Butch Davis. So we wasted a first round and a second round pick for a moron who was so willing to ignore his contract. And what was he doing at Cuyahoga Community College? If you are going to something stupid, at least do it at a real college.

- Dave Matthews Band week starts in two day. For those that want an early jump, VH1 is streaming their new album
Stand Up.

Friday, May 06, 2005

If I Could Be…

Aaron tagged me, so here I go!

Rules: What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Here’s that list:
If I could be a scientist… If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician… If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter… If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary… If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect… If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist… If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete… If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper… If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer… If I could be a backup dancer…
If I could be a goonie… If I could be a spy…
If I could be a llama-rider… If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a midget stripper… If I could be a proctologist…
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host… If I could be an actor…
If I could be a judge… If I could be a Jedi…
If I could be a mob boss…If I could be a backup singer…
If I could be a CEO…If I could be a hobbit…
If I could be a movie reviewer… If I could be a monkey’s uncle…
If I could be a gangster… If I could be Miss America…

Here are my choices:

If I could be a musician... I would be a backpack rapper. For reference, check out albums by
A Tribe Called Quest or Kanye West. These are rappers that concentrate more on lyrics than the beats and don't need to rap about how hard they are or how much bling they have, which has sadly dominated the rap scene lately.

If I could be a backup dancer… I would backup
Mandy Moore hoping to be her own personal Kevin Spears. Hopefully unlike Brittney, Mandy doesn't turn into white trash after we start to hook up. A side note, I once met, and hit on Mandy Moore not knowing who she was. Had I only asked for her number back then.

If I could be a writer… I would write the greatest musical ever written. That shouldn't be too hard considering 99% of musicals are absolutely horrible. And yes, I do have the idea of what it will be about and no, I won't tell you. All I need to help me is a chance meeting with Lionel Ritchie so he can be the Rogers to my Hammerstein. Or Hammerstein to my Rodger, I can remember which one did what. I wonder if they will ever do a
Project Greenlight type show for musicals.

If I could be an actor… I would want to be Dr, Venkman in a remake of
Ghostbusters. He gets slimed, covered in marshmallow, and he gets the girl (Kate Bosworth would play the Sigourney Weaver part.) I may have to write a role for myself in my musical too.

If I could be a painter… I would be
Bob Ross. A white man's afro. Happy little trees. No mistakes, just happy accidents. How great would that be? Except for that whole being dead part.

Now it’s my turn to tag someone. I choose…


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Ball

The MTV Movie Awards were announce today so I threw together some predictions. Before I get to that, here are a few random thoughts. Jimmy Fallon has been announced as the host. Why? Did MTV not realize he hosted one of the worst Video Music Awards of all times and he was the major reason? Did they not see the box office return for Taxi. At least the last time he hosted the Movie Awards they had him host with Kirsten Dunst. I'm sure I'll be wishing for Lindsay Lohan to host again before Fallon's monologue is over. If you want to vote yourself, stop over to the MTV website. No musical performances announced yet, so onto the nominees:

Best Movie
"Kill Bill Vol. 2"
"Napoleon Dynamite"
"Spider-Man 2"
"The Incredible"

Who I voted for: Spider-Man 2
Who will win: Spider-Man 2

This was a no brainer for me as Spider-Man 2 will, and should walk away with some golden popcorn. The Incredible was decent for a kid’s movie. I have refused to see Ray due to my moratorium on bio-flicks and Napoleon Dynamite sucked massively as I already reported here. Might I also point out that Napoleon Dynamite was produced by MTV Films. I would have put Dodgeball in its place. Conspiracy anyone? When it comes down to it, the comic book nerds will crush the Tarantino nerd.

Best Male Performance
Jamie Foxx - "Ray"
Will Smith - "Hitch"
Brad Pitt - "Troy"
Matt Damon - "The Bourne Supremacy"
Leonardo DiCaprio - "The Aviator"

Who I voted for: Matt Damon
Who will win: Jamie Foxx

I have no bases for this vote as I saw none of these movies. Foxx will make it a complete sweep of all the awards. I voted for Damon solely because he brought us Project Greenlight. And why are all the nominees "serious" actors? Where's Ben Stiller? The Movie Awards are getting as bad as the Oscars when it comes to nominees.

Best Female Performance
Uma Thurman - "Kill Bill Vol. 2"
Lindsay Lohan - "Mean Girls"
Hilary Swank - "Million Dollar Baby"
Rachel McAdams - "The Notebook"
Natalie Portman - "Garden State"

Who I voted for: Natalie Portman
Who will win: Lindsay Lohan

How cute was Portman in that movie? For that alone she deserves to win, but MTV, and its 14 year old white girl fan base, love Lohan for some reason, so she will win it. Hopefully we are not subjected with a performance from her.

Best Comedic Performance
Antonio Banderas - "Shrek 2"
Dustin Hoffman - "Meet the Fockers"
Will Ferrell - "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"
Ben Stiller - "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story"
Will Smith - "Hitch"

Who I voted for: Ben Stiller
Who will win: Will Ferrell

I have yet to figure out why everyone finds Ferrell funny. I never laughed at one of his sketches on SNL. Yet I fell off the couch every time I watch Dodgeball.

Best On-Screen Team
Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert and Amanda Seyfried - "Mean Girls"
Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Spencer Fox and Sarah Vowell - "The Incredible"
Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and David Koechner - "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"
Vince Vaughn, Christine Taylor, Justin Long, Alan Tudyk, Stephen Root, Joel David Moore and Chris Williams - "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story"
John Cho and Kal Penn - "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle"

Who I voted for: Dodgeball
Who will win: Mean Girls

My love of Dodgeball has already been established, yet why no love for Rip Torn, he was the coach and inspired my title. But anyway, they have no chance against hot chicks in tight clothes. Not that I have any problem with that.

Best Villain
Tom Cruise - "Collateral"
Ben Stiller - "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story"
Rachel McAdams - "Mean Girls"
Jim Carrey - "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Alfred Molina - "Spider-Man 2"

Who should win: Rachel McAdams
Who will win: Alfred Molina

My vote is completely based on looks here. And the nastier Rachel got the hotter she looked. Ben Stiller, on the other hand, was just too stupid to be a Plus I can make an argument that Molina wasn't the actual villain but the tentacles were technically the villain, but the nerds will vote for him anyways.

Breakthrough Performance Male
Jon Heder - "Napoleon Dynamite"
Tim McGraw - "Friday Night Lights"
Zach Braff - "Garden State"
Freddie Highmore - "Finding Neverland"
Tyler Perry - "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"

Who I voted for: Zach Braff
Who will win: Jon Heder

Interesting competition. Braff deserves this mostly due to the writing and direction rather than the acting It will be a crime if the unfunny Herder wins but I have a feeling he will.

Breakthrough Performance Female
Rachel McAdams - "Mean Girls"
Ashanti - "Coach Carter"
Elisha Cuthbert - "The Girl Next Door"
Bryce Dallas Howard - "The Village"
Emmy Rossum - "The Day After Tomorrow"

Who I voted for: Rachel McAdams
Who will win: Rachel McAdams

I am beginning to think I may have a new crush. Granted Ashanti can't act, Cuthbert should be penalized for playing a porn star and not showing the goods, Rossum was fairly unmemorable in Day After Tomorrow. Howard might be in the category only because her uncle won the last Lifetime Achievement Award. Where did that award go anyways? That was always one of the best parts. Shaft, Chewbacca, and Jason Voorhees all past winner. Let's bring it back please.

Best Action Sequence
Destruction of Los Angeles -
"The Day After Tomorrow"
The Subway Battle -
"Spider-Man 2"
Beverly Hills Plane Crash -
"The Aviator"
The Moscow Car Chase -
"The Bourne Supremacy"
The Desert Terrorist Assault -
"Team America: World Police"

Who I voted for: Team America: World Police
Who will win: Spider-Man 2

Puppets up for the Action Sequence award? The absurdity of that should put it on top, but alas, the nerds will come out on top.

Best Fight
The Battle of the News Teams -
"Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"
Daryl Hannah vs. Uma Thurman - "Kill Bill Vol. 2"
Brad Pitt vs. Eric Bana - "Troy"
Ziyi Zhang vs. The Emperor's Guards - "House of Flying Daggers"

Who I voted for: House of Flying Daggers
Who will win: Anchorman

Again, the best won't win.

Best Kiss
Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling - "The Notebook"
Natalie Portman and Zach Braff - "Garden State"
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jude Law - "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"
Jennifer Garner and Natassia Malthe - "Elektra"
Elisha Cuthbert and Emile Hirsch - "The Girl Next Door"

Who I voted for: The Notebook
Who will win: The Notebook

This award was entertaining 15 years ago, but it has lost its luster. I voted for The Notebook only because I was constantly told I looked like the dude from The Notebook. I haven't decided if being compared to a guy from a chick flick was a good thing or not.

Best Musical Performance
Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo (Thriller Dance) - "13 Going On 30"
Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and David Koechner - (Afternoon Delight) - "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"
John Cho and Kal Penn (Hold On) - "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle"
Jon Heder (Election Dance) - "Napoleon Dynamite"

Who I voted for: 13 Going On 30
Who will win: Napoleon Dynamite

This is all we have to choose from? Garner win only because it's a Michael Jackson reference that doesn't involve little boys for once.

Best Frightened Performance
Cary Elwes - "Saw"
Sarah Michelle Gellar - "The Grudge"
Jennifer Tilly - "Seed of Chucky"
Mya - "Cursed"
Dakota Fanning - "Hide and Seek"

Who I voted for: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Who will win: Sarah Michelle Gellar

A new category that should go as soon as it came. Not much of a horror guy, so I didn't see any of the movies so I'll just go with Buffy as will I think everyone else.

Best Video Game Based On A Movie
"Spider-Man 2"
"Van Helsing"
"Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay"
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"
"The Incredible"

Who I voted for: Spider-Man 2
Who will win: Spider-Man 2

Spider-Man 2 was the only game on the list that I played and it was pretty good after I finally got feeling for the controls, although I never was able to master them. I had to chuckle seeing Riddick and Van Helsing up for an award.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

And Then Bobby Punched Her in the Face

Last Thursday saw the return of the greatest show that has ever been on VH1, Behind the Music. There is nothing better than the rise and fall, and inevitable comeback of bands of yesteryear. The most recent episode featured New Edition, the originator of the modern day Boy Band. The star of the show was obviously Mr. Whitney Houston himself, Bobby Brown. At one point Bobby apologized for being high on many different things during the 1996 Home Again Tour, and apparently he still hadn’t come down since then. Then he challenged New Kids on the Block to, I think, a basketball game. When talking about his various jail terms, he simply had to say he has spent more time in his bathroom than the time they gave him. In other words, “Kids – just say no.”

After anything involving Bobby Brown, the most interesting aspect of the episode was how hard the members’ childhoods were. I knew that they live in the ghetto, but I was unaware that any of them were embroiled in the big civil rights movements of the time as some of the members were escorted to school by state troopers. This was really Eyes on the Prize type of stuff.

Inexplicably missing from the episode was Ronnie DeVoe. Did he possibly have something better to do? Granted in the New Edition pecking order, he’s most likely coming in 6th (out of 6). So maybe they did interview him, but didn’t have any good material from him. Or maybe they are holding him back for the Bell Biv DeVoe Behind the Music as the New Edition spin-off got very little of a mention. Hopefully that will be coming soon as Bell Biv DeVoe holds a special place in my heart as my very first concert on the Club MTV Tour along side Tony! Toni! Tone!, C+C Music Factory, and Rico Suave. As for other Behind the Music’s I’d like to see, at the top of the list would be Van Halen, or a least a David Lee Roth episode.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Title? I Don't Need No Stinking Title.

May’s induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame, Blazing Saddles is a movie I hold close to my heart as it was the very first R-rated movie my parents ever let me see. And after quoting certain lines from the movie, it was the last R-rated movie they let me see for a while. The movie worked on so many levels and every age group. As a pre-pubescent boy, how could you not love the farting scene or the Road Runner type physical comedy with Mongo? As an adult, I have grown to enjoy the social satire of the mid-1970’s set in the 1870’s. This is a movie that will always be funny.

With every generation, there is a movie that every male knows and can quote by heart. My generation can spout Happy Gilmore lines on cue. For the previous generation, that movie was Caddyshack. Sadly the next generation seem to be able to quote Napoleon Dynamite ad nausea (I’m hoping that I’m just out of touch, and there is actually a different movie for them. One movie that every generation can quote, of course, is Blazing Saddles. It seems like every couple days a line from the movie comes out of my mouth. "Where all the white women at?" "Excuse me while I whip this out." "My name is Scooter, but most people call me… Scooter." And there are the quotes that kept my parents from letting me watch R-rated movies. Not to mention, there was a Law & Order show (Lord knows I can’t remember which one) that used the, "Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges."

Last year marked the 30th anniversary of Blazing Saddles and a special edition DVD was release to commemorate the movie. On the DVD was one of the worst audio commentaries with Mel Brooks just talking about the movie not necessarily talking about the scene that is going on then for a reason unbeknownst to me, the commentary stops long before the movie is over. There was an interesting documentary that points out that Richard Prior helped co-write the film (rather than writing foe Black Bark, he instead spent most of his time writing for Mongo) and was originally meant to play the sheriff before the studio nixed that idea. At least he got to work with Gene Wilder in the deaf/blind comedy, See No Evil, Hear No Evil. The DVD also includes some additional scenes, mostly with Mongo, and it also included the TV censored version of the campfire scene with horses neighing instead of the farting which is surprisingly funny hearing a different sound than what you know you should be hearing. The highlight of the special was the pilot for the Blazing Saddles spin-off, Black Bart staring Lou Gossett as the sheriff. I didn’t even realize that this existed until this disk came out. Granted, I hadn’t been born yet. The show, in itself, isn’t as good as the movie as the name Mel Brooks doesn’t appear in the credits. But it was interesting to see, nonetheless.

With Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Spaceballs, among others, Mel Brooks has done the best at making fun of other genres. Sadly, no one has seemed to capture the brilliance of the Brooks’ parody. So today we are left with the horribly not funny Scary Movie franchise. The problem with today’s parodies is that that try too hard to mock other blockbusters, they ignore the story to get it, whereas, the Brooks’ films cared more about the overall stories, and the jokes will come from that.