Big Fat Dead Guy in a Bathtub

There are two things that without them, it wouldn’t seem like March, first are Shamrock Shakes, the other being this month’s induction into the Scooter Hall of Fame, Denis Leary’s No Cure for Cancer. The ultimate Irishman of my generation released the album during my formative years and me and my friends had the whole thing memorized for years to come. And you just have to play Traditional Irish Folk Song every St. Patrick’s Day. In fact the song was the inspiration on my answering machine my freshman year with the lines,

We drink and we sing
And we drink and we sing
Hey!
We drink and we drive
And we puke and we drink
Hey!
We drink and we fight
And we bleed and we cry
Hey!
We puke and we smoke
And we drink and we die
Hey!

Then we finished things off with Leary’s “Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling” from the stand up portion of the album.

I can also thank Leary for keeping me off drugs. After blaming his bell bottoms and other poor judgments on weed I knew I should stay away from the stuff. As Leary once said “never do a drug named after your own (expletive deleted).” Plus I also learned from him at an early age that the bet drugs are the legal ones. I always look forwards to cold season so I can start taking NyQuil and sing “NyQuil, NyQuil, Nyquil, we love you, you giant (expletive deleted) Q.” And I would never have learned about whippits had it not been for Leary. And thanks to his soliloquy on meat, I didn’t eat a salad until about three years ago.

Even though he’s best known for drugs and smoking, I think the best part of the album was when he went on his musical diatribe:

Explain it to me. Heavy Metal bands on trial because kids commit suicide? What's that about? Judas Priest on trial because “my kid bought the record, and listened to the lyrics .....” Well that's great! That sets a legal precedent. Does that mean I can sue Dan Folgerberg for making me into a (expletive deleted) in the mid-70's. Is that possible, huh? Huh?! "Your honor, between him and James Taylor, I didn't get a (expletive deleted) 'till I was 27 years old. I was in Colorado wearing hiking boots eating granola."

But thanks to the uber-depressing grunge music, I typically change it to Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain while in Seattle wearing flannels shirts and drinking cappuccinos to fit my experience. And whenever election time rolls around and I debate on whether I should vote I think of two things Joe (expletive deleted) Walsh.

So with St. Patrick’s Day quickly approaching, stop by McDonalds, pick up a Shamrock Shake and throw on some Leary and sing along to the Traditional Irish Folk Song.