Showing posts with label Trapped in the Closet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trapped in the Closet. Show all posts

Thursday, December 27, 2007

25 Best Music Videos of 2007


It is really hard to complain about MTV and VH1 no longer showing videos anymore because who these days wants to wade through videos that they hand pick when you have almost every video ever made at your disposal whenever you want on sites like YouTube? And here are the best of the best of from the past twelve months. I have embedded the first couple videos, the rest you can click the link to follow to YouTube and if you are interested in buying the videos, click the iTunes links. Now I should mention some of these videos are not safe for work but really nothing on YouTube is all the safe for work because I’m sure you boss wouldn’t be thrilled even if your watching a video of a cat playing with a ball of yarn. But anyways:


1. Can't Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West



2. Trapped in the Closet Chapter 1-12 Recap - R. Kelly



3. Rockstar - Nickelback Rockstar



4. Throw Some D's - Kanye West



5. Drivin’ Me Wild - Common featuring Lily Allen Drivin' Me Wild (Edited Version)




6. Windows in the Skies (Modernista Version) - U2 Window In the Skies (Nexus Version) - U2

7. Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys

8. Smiley Faces - Gnarls Barkley Smiley Faces

9. 1234 - Feist 1234 (Director's Version)

10. Halloweenhead - Ryan Adams Halloweenhead

11. Alfie - Lily Allen Alfie - Lily Allen

12. Conquest - The White Stripes Conquest

13. Read My Mind - The Killers Read My Mind

14. Hot in Herre - Jenny Owen Youngs Hot In Herre - Jenny Owen Youngs

15. Oh My God - Mark Ronson featuring Lily Allen Oh My God

16. Hang Me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids Hang Me Up to Dry

17. Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John featuring Victoria Bergsman Young Folks

18. Stronger - Kanye West Stronger

19. Sinkin’ Soon - Norah Jones Norah Jones - Not Too Late - Sinkin' Soon

20. What I've Done - Linkin Park What I've Done

21. Ever Ever After - Carrie Underwood Carrie Underwood - Enchanted (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture) - Ever Ever After

22. Love Song - Sara Bareilles Love Song

23. LDN - Lily Allen

24. Sensual Seduction - Snoop Dogg Sensual Seduction

25. Long Road to Ruin - Foo Fighters Long Road to Ruin

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Going Back in the Closet


It is hard pressed to think of a bigger letdown than the latest installments in R. Kelly’s master opus that is Trapped in the Closet: maybe Lost season 2, U2’s Pop, Austin Powers in Goldmember, learning there is no Santa Clause. How possibly could something so great go so wrong. The first five chapters were soap operas for the hip-hop crowd following a man caught by his one night stand’s husband who in turn was creeping around with, wait for it, wait for it: a dude! And when Sylvester finally got out of the quagmire, he arrives home only to realize that his own wife was having a bout of infidelity.

After the instant phenomenons that were the first five chapters, Kells quickly churned out seven more chapters in no time that were arguably better than before thanks to a midget named big man. My favorite part of the whole epic has to be in chapter 9 when the policeman was about to open the cabinet, the narrator busted out of the closet to say, “Now pause the movie ‘cos what I’m about to say to ya’ll is so damn twisted. Not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man... is a midget, midget, midget!” Really, the only thing that could top the first twelve chapters of Trapped in the Closet in terms of entertainment value was watching Trapped in the Closet with the R. Kelly commentary on.

Then almost two years go by and all we get from the Pied Piper of R&B is another boring, and Closet-less album, Double Up. But in the liner notes, we did get a promise of more chapters by summer, which did arrive. The hype started well enough with the great recap of the previous channels (as if anyone needed to be reminded of what has gone down so far) and as Monique correctly pointed out, had the “best chorus of ‘Oh (expletive deleted)’ evah.”

Then finally the latest chapter hit the internet last Monday like Christmas, Easter and my birthday all rolled into one. Well that is how it felt until I watched chapter 13. All we get is Sylvester and Twan riding in a car, albeit with a couple good lines, and an inexplicable cameo from Rosie the Nosie Neighbor and her limp husband. Nothing big happened, no midget, nothing but me sitting at my computer screen wondering, “This is what I waited two years for?” And things didn’t get much better from there including a blink and you miss it chapter that was barely a minute long.

I brought up Lost in the intro for a reason because the missteps Trapped in the Closet took eerily parallel the television show. They spent too much time on character that are no longer that interesting (Sylvester/Jack), introduced characters we didn’t care about (lesbian chicks/the tailie), while ignoring characters we came to love (the midget/Hurley), didn’t answer long standing questions (how did Locke get in the wheelchair, who is the midget working for), and there was a frustrating dream sequence, while the viewers were left wonder if the writers knew what they were doing. But at least in Trapped in the Closet didn’t kill off the token hot chick (granted mostly because there never was one).

But unlike Lost, which ended season two with a What the Frac moment as we got our first glimpse of someplace off the island, Kells leaves us with a cliffhanger which doubtfully has anyone actually hanging. Sure, there are some people out there wondering what this package everyone is talking about in the last chapter. But those people are morons. The package that Chuck has is obviously some sort of VD, most likely AIDS, which was passed around to all the characters because they were all sleeping together (although we do know that Gwendolyn and the policeman at the very least had a condom present). But after all of this, color me less excited for chapter 23.

You can watch the entire Trapped in the Closet over at ifc.com/trapped.

Trapped in the Closet chapters 13-22 gets a Terror Alert Level on my Terror Alert Scale.




Monday, August 13, 2007

You Know What Time it Is


From the first inception of the Roast, there hasn’t been an easier target than Flavor Flav. If fact the only easier targets out there would be Paris Hilton and George Bush (who was mentioned three times last night, my favorite: “You treat birth control like George Bush treats the constitution - you pretend it doesn't exist”). So naturally the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav was the funniest in recent year, not that it had much competition after the Pamela Anderson and William Shatner failed to deliver any laughs. I guess some of the credit goes to Flav himself who laughed at ever single joke like he was sitting through a Richard Prior concert film. He was even the only one laughing when Jimmy Kimmel made his Chris Benoit comment. Hopefully ABC took note of this and yanks his show, seriously, is this any worse than Bill Maher comments that got him canceled?

And really you know a Roast is going to be good when even Greg Gerardo can get a laugh. Um except for went he went after Ice-T. I don’t care if it is a Roast, you don’t make fun of Ice-T. If Greg is conspicuously absent from next year’s Roast, I think we all know what happened. Well not that anyone would notice he was missing. But even though everyone else killed, well except for Brigitte Neilson, Lisa Lampanelli who once again remained unfunny even with the easiest target. And seriously, someone needs to teach that girl how to cross her leg. And whenever someone made fun of her, she actually laughed harder than Flav.

Even though this was one of the better Roasts that most lately it was still bogged down a little by things that brought down previous Roasts. First and foremost is that each Roaster tries to out ranch the previous one. You really don’t need every other word bleeped to be considered funny. Also the Roasters again spend way too much time on each other than the actual Roastee. There may have been more jokes about Neilson than Flav this year just like in past years when Sulu, Bea Arthur and Andy Dick took more abuse than the person they were supposed to be Roasting.

If you missed the Roast or would just like to see it again, head over to ComedyCentral.com to see uncensored clips included the unaired Lil’ Bush segment which was actually funnier than anything that was on his show. You can also download The Uncensored Roast of Flavor Flav in its entirety from iTunes.


And I would be remised if I didn’t bring up Chapter 13 of Trapped in the Closet. I have to admit after waiting a year and a half it was a bit of a letdown. Maybe it is just because it is a transition chapter before Sylvester and Twan get to wherever they are going, but I think we may have to brace ourselves just in case Trapped in the Closet takes a Lost season two type nosedive in terms a quality. But at least Kells did have one great line which my censors won’t allow me to repeat here but I will say it was the one when he brought up a fish.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

57 Channels and Only This Is On vol. XXXI


Big News of the Week: More Rumors: If there is one think I hate about the internet it is how rumor become facts almost instantly. There was another one that popped up this week that will go unmentioned because it doesn’t deserve any more ink (or virtual ink as you may). When on the internet I rarely stray from big name site like ESPN or MSNBC yet I saw this rumor just spread like wildfire everywhere else. Just to show you how bad it was, my mom actually mentioned it this week. The actress at the center of the rumor was even on the Late Late Show Thursday and the rumor wasn’t even mentioned wasn’t even mentioned in the part I saw (my tape cut off because an unannounced half hour Master special pushed back the show, stupid CBS). So to all that posted about this and like rumors, when the next one inevitably makes the rounds, just think of the Timex Social Club song before you spread it.

Greek: Wow, they actually gave Lonelygirl15 more than one line. He character is easily the most entertaining on the show so hopefully she continues to get more screen time, but they hooked her up with Rusty a little too soon. He did a little too quick of a U-turn from trying to get far away from her just minutes earlier. And hopefully his roommate makes more appearances at Kappa Tau because he trying to convert Spitter’s brothers could be great. Not so great continues to be Casey and Evan. Why should we root for a couple who cheated on each other when we first met them? Download the current season of Greek on iTunes.

Rescue Me: Well I was wrong that Lou would end up getting the baby, but it is doubtful that Janet will let Sheila keep the kid so he may get it eventually. But that was a really creepy start of the episode with the fire in Tommy’s head although the chief was conspicuously missing. I wonder if he will ever show up again after his vocal comments out the door. And does the fire mean that is the last we will see of his brother and cousin?

Rescue Me on iTunes


The Knights of Prosperity: Oh Rockefeller Butts, how have I missed you? The gang was still in fine form, but who knew Ray Romano was funny. Had I known this maybe I would have watched Everybody Loves Raymond. His “serious” acting was classic. Coming in a close second though was Gary sing Summergirls in his cab (see below) and you can still watch the whole season at ABC.com.



Pirate Master: I’m definitely ready for this to end. I am getting to the point of not caring who wins. Watch the current season of Pirate Master on Innertube.


Pick of the Week: Trapped in the Closet, All Week, IFC: It has been too long since the last installment of Trapped in the Closet leaving us pondering such questions as how does the cop know Chuck and Rufus? Who send the Midget that he didn’t want to give up even though the cop had a gun in his face? How does the narrator fit into all of this? Why was Twan in jail? Where did R. Kelly get the inspiration for the overweight southern white woman (which is the highest of all high comedy)? But for the next two weeks we get a new chapter debuting everyday over at IFC.com/trapped. I am a little worried that Kells will be going overboard as he already plays two characters, Sylvester and the Narrator, and from the preview it looks like he raided Eddie Murphy’s closet and will be playing even more characters this time around. But really as long as the next chapters are just half as good as the previous one’s I’ll be happy. Over at the website you can currently review the previous chapters and check out the character map (should I know who Roxanne is?). And once again here is the recap/preview Chapter 12.5 to hold you over until Monday:



Thursday, August 02, 2007

Don't Download These Videos vol. XXV


There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I though I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form so here they are courtesy of YouTube. I advise you to watch them before you read my reviews if you don’t want me to spoil things. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available, if not the link goes to YouTube where you can watch the video in full screen). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.


Wake Up Call - Maroon 5 (Director’s Cut; i.e. there’s naughty stuff)



This video was a complete let down if only because it features the least attracted token hot chick Maroon 5 has ever utilized for one of their videos. Seriously, was the chick from This Love too busy to make an appearance? But anyways. It is nice to see even though there are not really any music video outlets left there are still a few artists who are willing to make a big budget video. I wonder with the advent of YouTube and Video iTunes that we will see resurgence in the art form with the extra money they get from both.


You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do What You’re Told) - White Stripes



Speaking of let downs, I just sat waiting for something interesting to happen in this video. I guess the White Stripes have spoiled us with constantly giving us entertain videos. I’m sure if you ranked the top one hundred videos of this decade, the band would have five or so that would make the list. But this would be one of them.


Invasion - Eisley



Fun fact: The very first album review I ever did was for Room Noises by Eisley (see You Humor Me Today). Now the band has their second album, Combinations, coming out in two weeks and the accompanying first video continues their fondness of abstract videos. I’m not entirely sure what is going on, but the song is growing on me by the day.


Trapped in the Closet (13-22 Preview) - R. Kelly (Not safe for work or for anyone with a strong moral compass)



This summer has sucked massively. We are currently on our second heat wave of the year with barely enough rainfall to fill a swimming pool. I have spent the last couple weeks spending two four hour nights a week freezing in a classroom because some moron has the thermostat set at fifty degrees. Each major sport has dominated the headlines with scandal. But if there are two things that can turn this summer around one is the (albeit short) return of the Let’s Rob Mick Jagger Ray Ramono next week (Wednesday at 8:30 and 9:30). The other is shortly is that we will get a whopping nine more installments of the great thing ever conceived in the history of the entertainment industry: Trapped in the Closet. For those who missed chapters 1-12 (and if this is so we can’t be friends) above is a recap of the great hijacks and a quick sneak peak of what is to come. I know I can’t wait.


On a side note, this is the very last Don’t Download These Videos. No, I will still bring the most entertaining new music videos ever week it is just after twenty-five installments I have finally realized that the title Don’t Download These Videos could be construed to comment on the quality of the video not the Weird Al reference that it started out being almost a year ago. So be a look out as I unveil the new name sometimes soon.



Friday, April 13, 2007

Scooter McGavin's Spring Preview part 2


Earlier this week I unveiled Part 1 of my Spring Music Preview (click the link to read it) and here is the second half of the post. Also if there is anything I missed, feel free to drop me a comment and I may add it later.


May 22
It Won’t Be Soon Before Long - Maroon 5: It may not be a good sign that I listed the album in my Winter Preview last year and it still hasn’t been released. Another bad sign is the first single, Makes Me Wonder which is mediocre at best.

May 29
Double Up - R Kelly: The bad news, no new additions to Trapped in the Closet. The good new, R has completed twenty-two new chapters of his opera, eleven of which will show up on DVD this summer. Hopefully the back eleven won’t be far behind. As for Double Up, expect a cavalcade of guest spot including Kanye West, Snoop Dogg, and Mary J. Blige as well as twenty, yes twenty, others.


June 5
Easy Tiger - Ryan Adams: In 2005 Ryan Adams released three albums, 2006: none. So after almost a year and a half without recording an album, he should have a few great song stock piled for this release. No word on how many other albums are scheduled to be released later this year.


June 19
Icky Thump - The White Stripes: After a detour with a more traditional band, Jack White is back with Meg with an album that was recorded within three weeks in Nashville.

Wild Hope - Mandy Moore: Mandy has gone the independent root with an album that is said to sound much like the cover album that was widely ignored four years ago (but featured a version of one of my favorite songs of all time, Have a Little Faith in Me). It will also be the first time Moore co-wrote every song on an album.


July 10
Finding Forever - Common: The Chicago rapper finally had a breakout success with his last album Be thanks to some production from Kanye West. On the follow up West returns behind the board along with will.i.am and the late J Dilla. You can also expect a guest spot from, wait for it, wait for it… Lily Allen. That is going to be classic.

Zeitgeist - Smashing Pumpkins: It’s been seven years since they have put out an album and twelve years since they put out a good one, can Billy Corgan get back to his nineties heydays?


No Date Announced Yet But Should Be Out By the Time You Go on Summer Vacation
My December - Kelly Clarkson: I’m not sure who the brain trust is that decided to release an album called My December in the middle of summer but this may be a make or break album for the former karaoker. Clarkson has decided to write most of the songs with production from David Kahne (The Strokes). Surprisingly ex-Minutemen bassist Mike Watt shows up on half the tracks. Scooter Update: Just heard the first single Never Again, another done me wrong anthem but it is definitely no Since U been Gone. It is not even Behind These Hazel Eyes or Walk Away. Just on the strength the first single, I am leaning towards break right now.

Songs About Girls - will.i.am: Believe it or not, there was a time when the Black Eyed Peas didn’t suck. This was of course the pre-Fergie era. And not only is his first solo album Fergie-less, there is actually no guest stars. Wow, can anyone remember the last rap album with no guest appearances? (I want to say To the 5 Boroughs)


In the next couple months you can also expect albums from Jimmy Eat World, Garbage, Chris Cornell (which I also on my Winter Preview), Velvet Revolver, Fabolous, Paul McCartney, and Veronica Mars favorite Spoon. Like I stated in my Winter Preview, all the heavy hitters are being held off until the forth quarter, which will also include new disks from Coldplay, Eminiem, Foo Fighters, and, oh please no, Britney Spears. Still no word on Chinese Democracy yet.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Don't Download These Videos vol. XII


There have been a couple of videos that have caught my eye lately so I though I’d give them some love since the death of Musical Television left a void for a forum on the art form so here they are courtesy of YouTube. I advise you to watch them before you read my reviews if you don’t want me to spoil things. If you are interested in buying the video through iTunes, click the title link (where available, if not the link goes to YouTube where you can watch the video in full screen). If you are interested in buying the song, look for a link in the analysis.

Trapped in the Drive-Thru - “Weird Al” Yankovic



The greatness that is R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet is parody proof mainly because the opera is basically a parody upon itself so everyone who have tried to make a parody of it has failed. Well until now. Leave it up to the parody king “Weird Al” Yankovic to come up with the best try to date. Granted that doesn’t mean his version comes close to the original and could have done better job. First the narrator only takes on three different characters and he doesn’t split the song into chapters lie the original. But he does leave it on a cliffhanger so maybe we will get more someday. As for the video, it could have been much better had it been live action with Al playing all the different characters. That would have been classic.


Bump de Hump - Red Hot Chili Peppers



Seriously, how can you go wrong with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Chris Rock? Well I guess only when you put the band in “ironic” grillz. The only thing that would be lamer is if they would have ironically claimed to be bringing SexyBack will wearing the grillz. Other than that this video is pretty cool with the Peppers playing Rock’s block party.


Say OK - Vanessa Hudgens



I just wanted to showcase this video to see if anyone can explain to me why Vanessa Hudgens is wearing one of the drive thru mikes along with a hand held mike. What makes that combo odder is I wouldn’t be all surprised if she’s pulling a Milli Vanilli. With that said, I actually find the song entertaining.


In other news, a melancholy happy trails to Calvert DeForrest, better known as Larry “Bud” Melman. I have been a long time Letterman fan and it was always great whenever Bud would show up. My favorite was whenever Letterman would hype for the first part of the show a big A-lister like George Clooney would be reading the Top 10, only for Bud to come out. Below is a classic appearance:



Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Record People Are Shady: Fall Preview Edition


Usually I reserve Tuesday for the biggest new album release for the week except all the “new” releases happen to be old. Headlining the new releases this week are greatest hits packages by , , and and live albums by and the re-release 2 CD set of George Harrison’s Concert for Bangladesh. Also in the old is new philosophy is a Christmas album by . No wonder why the record industry is failing, we are exactly two months away from Christmas and the biggest new album with actual new songs is by . That can’t be a good sign of what’s to come.

Next week continues the onslaught of greatest hits with albums by and ’s Sliver: Best of the Box slimming last years With the Lights Out into one single disk with a few new unreleased tracks so they can squeeze even more money out of the diehard fans. But next week does have an actual marquee name with the release of ’s third all-star outing, All That I Am featuring vocals from Mary J. Blige, Big Boi of Outkast, Will.I.Am, Sean Paul, Joss Stone, Steven Tyler, Anthony Hamilton, Los Lonely Boys, a return appearance of Michelle Branch, and some dude named Bo Bice (didn’t he lose some karaoke contest or something?). There will also generational battle of the guitar virtuosos with Robert Randolph and Kirk Hammett appearing on the same song. But what I’ll be looking forward to next week is a pair a DVD’s that will be released, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and ’s Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-12.

Other notable releases in the next couple weeks include more greatest hits , , , , and even a re-release of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run and Mariah Carey’s The Emancipation of Mimi which I did a decent job ignoring the last time around hopefully I’ll do the same this time around. Also expect new albums with actual new songs by , , , , a live album from the newly minted , and the debut of . And just when you think things can’t get any worse, the dude from Creed is releasing a solo album. God help us all.


My fall suggestions:

Monday, August 29, 2005

We on Award Tour - 2005 Video Music Awards Recap


The MTV Video Music Awards have come and gone this year. A lot of cool thing that happened this year, but much like last year, there was not a defining water cooler moment again granted I was at the water cooler today gushing over the return of Beavis and Butthead. Diddy was your host and he didn’t suck as bad as the Wayans Brothers yet he came no where close to Chris Rock, Dennis Miller or even Arsinio Hall. And why has no one pointed out the Diddy has adopted the name of a cheesy rap song from the early 90’s yet. Am I the only one who remembers that song? “Do the diddy if you won’t do me cause damn I can see that you want me.” But anyways, here are some of my highlights from the show:

Pre-Show
- So there was a car show of the pimpest rides on the pre-show with Green Day’s car from the Holiday video stealing the show. But can we retire the word “pimp” as a positive adjective. Let’s not forget a true pimp is someone who forces women to sell their bodies for money. This is a word that should ever be glorified.

- Also part of the car show was Ludacris who drove in a custom Louis Vuittan car. Did I miss something; I thought LV was for chicks. Any guy I see with LV gets mocked thoroughly.

- The Game also rolled up in his car. Although the commentator called him just Game. So what is it, “The Game” or just “Game?” Did he drop the "The" like Diddy dropped the "P?" I’m just a corny old white dude; I need help figuring these things out.

- MTV apparently has a new fashion consultant, Coltrane. Just what MTV needs, their very on Joan Rivers critiquing clothes.

- During the pre-show, they were hawking a new Madonna concert DVD. Is there anyone who would actually spend money to see a 40 year old lip-sync?

- Okay, it seems that Houston is the new hot rap city, but after hearing the medley of Houston rappers perform, I think it may be time to move to the next city. Topeka anyone?

- Yes, those were Ice-T’s wife’s nipples you saw. Brings back fond memories of Rose McGowan.

- John Norris was heard asking everyone who is going to win the big prize but would always interject, “A lot of people say Kanye will take home the big one.” John, actually you were the only one who was saying it.

The Main Show
- Odd choice with a Green Day performing a relatively low key Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Not quite as good as my suggestion.

- Yes that was a teleprompter you saw in Diddy opening “performance.” He comes out to Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Relax, Diddy is the only one who loves the 80’s more than VH1. And for those keeping track, that’s the second gay anthem that Diddy has associated himself with, Diana Ross’ I'm Coming Out.

- The opening itself was cool, but reminded me too much as a mini version of the Olympics ceremony. The water theme was also cool, especially how they transitioned the video nominees.

- Winning the Carrie Fisher Award for hot chick that has fallen the quickest goes to Lindsay Lohan. She just gets uglier and uglier. Someone buy her a Big Mac please.

- Interesting to mix up the Best Male and Female Videos together. Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson win, okay mash-up artist, it’s time to give that a try. Behind These Gold Digging Eyes anyone?

- Big Daddy Butthead and fire loving Beavis are back. Now where exactly can I vote for them to get back on MTV?

- I have a theory that Ciara is the black Britney Spears. Marginally attractive but shows a lot of skin – check. Limited vocal range – check. Attaches herself to an equally talent less boyfriend – check. Focuses more time on her dancing than singing – check. Make music that makes my ears bleed – check.

- Now I’m a sucker for steel drum, but I was still disappointed there was no Mike Myers during Ludacris’ performance, instead we get some dude named Bobby Valentino.

The orginal king of name changes can still move- Did Diddy really call Orlando Bloom the prettiest person in the world?

- It was nice to see Grandmaster Flash. Too bad it was ruined with a dance off between Diddy and Omarion. Which then led to the biggest surprise of the night, an appearance by Hammer? Hey, anything can happen. And yes, I still know every word to U Can'T Touch This. And thinking about it, I know Hammer wasn't a one hit wonder, but can anyone name another one of his songs?

- Worst outfit award goes to Jessica Simpson weird backless, yet still wearing a bra, French Maid ensemble. She also takes home worst hair award.

- Am I mistaken, or did Alicia Keys wear the same unfavorable, form fitting, dress as last year?

I would have to hide behind something too if I shared the stage with Shakira- What was with the dude with Shakira and his guitar? He only strummed it about two times; it was like members of N’Sync performing with microphone. I wonder if the dude was carrying it because he needed to hides something.

- Umm, should I know what clowning or crumping is? My spell check doesn’t even know what the crumping is.

- Missy Elliot wins Best Dance Video. Shouldn’t this award go to a song you could actually dance to?

- Holy Eric Roberts sighting! Nice plug for his step-son’s, Keaton Simons, album and website. Now how exactly do I go about getting my refund that he offered?

- Now typically I rip anyone who lip-syncs, but I’ll let R. Kelly slid on account they he gave the most entertaining performance o the night. And just when I thought nothing could top Chapters 1-5 videos for Trapped in the Closet, Kelly goes and tops himself with a one man show debuting Chapter 6. I can’t wait for Chapters 7-12. Kelly was also seen on the red, oops, white carpet wearing an “I’m Rick James’ Bitch” shirt. I’m sorry to hear that and I sure hope your crack-pipe burns have healed by now R.

- Did we really need to see a naked Sean Combs? Although Kunta Combs was funny. It was nice to see Diddy take a pot shot at half the country when he brought up his Vote or Die campaign. Which reminds me, when is Diddy going to get around to killing Paris Hilton, she didn’t even register to vote.

- Diddy announces that Hilary Duff and Joel Madden are the Jay-Z and Beyoncé of rock. Well except Jay-Z waited for Beyoncé to be well past 18 before they started dating. Now Joel may be the Roman Polanski of pseudo-punk, that might be a better comparison. I wonder what the age of consent is in Florida.

- The Killers are remote from some hotel. Very Miami Vice setting, fitting for the band’s love for the 80’s is only trumped by Diddy.

- Holy Lil' Kim sighting! Shouldn’t she be in jail by now, wasn’t she convicted a couple months ago. Oh, I forgot, she’s famous (relatively), she can show up to jail whenever she want. It’s odd that all the famous guys get off yet the famous females get jail time.

- We are then treated to by an appearance by Big Daddy Poseidon and the Roman God of feces and manure. Seriously, where can I vote to get Beavis and Butthead back on the air?

- Nice tribute to Biggie although it was surprising that they went with lesser known Juicy and Warning instead of smashes like Big Poppa or Hypnotize. And they even censored the line “blow up like the World Trade,” I’m not sure that was needed. He wasn’t even alive for reason they bleeped it for. And as the ten year anniversaries of their deaths creep closer, I’m starting to begin to think that maybe Biggie and Tupac are really dead, not hanging out in Hawaii with Elvis as I previously thought.

- The classiest and least classy people, Common and Johnny Knoxville present together. I shouldn’t have to specify which is which.

- Morbidly Obese Joe presents a medley of Reggaeton artists. That was extremely horrible. This could be to my generation what rap was to my parents and rock and roll was to their parents. I really hate the whole getting old thing.

- Missy Elliot defies conventional wisdom again by winning Best Hip Hop. But then again, this category hasn’t had any credibility since Jennifer Lopez won it.

- Worst Bling of the night goes to Pharrell. This is saying a lot with all the mouth bling the Houston rappers were sporting.

- I wonder why Coldplay is now putting MTF on its piano. I’m not sure many people realized that it stands for maketradefair.com. It was nice to see Chris Martin run up to the cheap seats and get surrounded by a bunch of drunken people.

- Should I know who B5 is? And all they do is present other presenter. Was that really needed?

- Kelly Clarkson wins best pop and walks through the fountain of water to accept the award. I love the gratuitous Gwen Stefani shots after she losses. It almost like MTV was jabbing at her for threatening to not show up is they didn’t let her perform. They didn’t even show any of the Moonmen she won on the big show.

- Not since Andrew Dice Clay has MTV given a comedian air time at the VMA’s for some stand up, and this year they give time to… Dane Cook? Should I know who he is? Actually the guy was pretty funny, especially the part about putting a detonator in your kid. Maybe they should get this dude to host next year.

- The Killers win Best New Artist and for the first time ever, and drummer actually gives the acceptance speech.

How did Eva Longoria not win best dressed?  Was their a minimun clothing requirement?- Stefani win best Diddy’s best dressed challenge even though she’s wearing some leopard spot dress out of the Soprano’s wardrobe. Obviously the female population voted for this as is it was judged by dudes Eva Longoria would have won by a landslide.

- Guided Vocal Alert! As I predicted, Mariah Carey’s performance made for a good bathroom break and her little midget showed to move around like an idiot. And if The Lox ever want to get some street cred, maybe they should stop showing up on J-Lo and Mariah songs.

- I don’t know who Paulina Rubio is, but I’m glad she wore that dress. And I like how she kept trying to say the Gorillaz couldn’t be their as the cartoon’s acceptance speech ran behind her.

- Remember when 50 Cent had credibility? His guided vocal performance was quite boring, and then brings out Mobb Deep, who just became hype men. Then come out the winner of the Macy Gray Award for lamest self promotion, Tony Yayo to perform the worst song of the medley. But thing were almost salvaged as 50 went on a tirade against Morbidly Obese Joe with plenty of obscenities making it on air. For those of those not paying attention 50 said, “Fat Joe is a…” um, as Naughty by Nature put it, “It’s another why to call a cat or kitten, there’s five letters missing here.”

- More reasons why My Chemical Romance suck, they are Diddy favorite band. I recently read in Rolling Stone that the group members are pushing thirty. That’s kind of creepy considering that their fan base is moody 14 year olds. Granted Eminem is on the wrong side of thirty and his fan base are 16 year old brats. And on the subject of MCR, is it wrong that I think the dead chick in their video is hot?

- Can anyone explain why Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are still around? This did lead to the funniest awkward moment and Lil and Billy Joe could figure out if they should shake hands, hug, or give a chest bump.

- Did Michelle from Destiny's Child really just quote Fall Out Boy?

- Green Day wins Video of the Year and gets much love from Hammer on their way to accept the award. That should be award enough.

Kelly Clarkson before the rain came- As for a wet Kelly Clarkson and you shall receive a wet Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if anyone let the audience know they were going to be drench because I saw a few unhappy faces in the crowd. And some one should have told Kelly that when she performs in the rain, she may not want to go barefoot, but then had they done so, we wouldn’t have seen her slip in a puddle.

And then that was it. The surprise performances were Hammer and My Chemical Romance. That can’t be a good sign for an awards show. Also, no one got shot, unless you count Suge Knight who was shot at a pre show. But he was not critically injured and neither Lohan nor Hilton got caught in the cross-fire. For those who missed the show, it’s MTV, they will repeat it constantly for a month. And in response to getting panned over AOL’s coverage over Live8, for those with Broadband, you can see the whole show, plus extras, on MTV’s Overdrive internet channel.

My final tally:

3 of 21 (.143) thought should have won.
8 of 21 (.381) I predicted correctly.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I Hope You'll Got Yo Playa Cards


TP3: Reloaded - R Kelly

I was first interested to R. Kelly in high school when a lady friend mentioned she recently bought his album 12 Play. The only song I had heard of his was the ode to sex, Bump n’ Grind. That wouldn’t be too surprising a girl listening to that kind of music today, but keep in mind I went to school a few years before girls started going wild. On my next trip to the record store, I decided to take a look at the album and it had such songs as Freak Dat Body, Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), and my personal favorite, I Like the (expletive deleted) on You. So as a teenage, I just had to buy it. Since then, I’ve bought one other R. Kelly album (the self titled one), and it also seems Mr. Kelly has gotten himself into some legal problems.

You can divide R. Kelly's latest album, TP.3 Reloaded basically into three parts, the party jams, slow jams, and the album closing five part hip-hopera, Trapped in the Closet. The biggest problem with this album he avoids any uplifting songs like I Believe I Can Fly, U Saved Me, or even an I Wish type of song.

As for the party jams, all of them seem to be populated with sub-par rappers that do not stand up to the star power of Kelly. Whenever you bring guest appearances, you should always bring in someone who will make the song better not worse. The Game, the most boring rapper out today, brings an uninspiring verse on the opener Playa’s Only. (no, seriously, that what he goes by) completely ruins what could have be the album’s best jam, Reggae Bump, Bump. Baby just can’t compete with R. Kelly on Girls Go Crazy neither can Twista on Hit it Till the Mornin. Snoop Dogg is solid as usual but Summertime does come off almost as a remix for Snoop’s Signs.

The second part is the slow jams or as I like to put it, R. Kelly likes having sex. Lots of sex. In many different ways. The problem with that is that inherently conjures up images of Kelly, um, how do I want to put this, allegedly relieving himself on an underage girl. And yes, it’s safe to say it was his. As a wise man once told me, “You’re not going to let the captain of the football team (expletive deleted) on you.” So these songs are rendered useless because if any guy wants to hook up, he can’t put this album on and instead will have to reach for Boyz II Men because the last thing you want to do in that situation is to creep your girl out. The worst of the songs is Sex in the Kitchen that has too many double meaning that includes food. Adam Sandler did this years ago with the funny Food Innuendo Guy but Kelly doing a seriously version doesn’t work. And out of nowhere in the song Kelly screams “Girl I’m ready to toss your salad.” (Waiting to see if that gets by the censors. Mmm, apparently the censor doesn’t know the other meaning. Unfortunatly, I do) Let me just say ewwwwwwwww. That just leads credence to what allegedly went down on the video tape. I wonder if that can be admissible in court as a pattern of disgusting behavior in the bedroom?

But the highlight is the five part opera, Trapped in the Closet, that closes the album. The opera is quite easily the funniest thing ever recorded that didn’t involve “Weird Al” Yankovic. The opera is narrated by Kelly who woke up in a woman’s bed that wasn’t his wife. And apparently she is also married and her husband is on his way up the stairs. From there the opera has more turn than a NASCAR track. Each chapter of the opera builds up to a crescendo and end with a cliffhanger that rivals Desperate Housewives. For the end of chapter one, Kelly gives the play by play for the wronged husband, “He walks up to the closet, gets closer to the closet, now he’s at the closet, now he’s opening the closet, closet, closet.” I will not give anymore away as it might ruin the experience of the whole opera, but there were about ten laugh out load moments throughout the five chapters.

But wait there, is more. As if closing out the album with the hip-hopera wasn’t enough, the album is accompanied with a DVD of Trapped in the Closet with R. Kelly himself playing the lead character and other character acting out each five chapters. Nothing is funnier than when Kelly makes the sounds of a police siren, “woo, oo, woo, oo, woo, oo.” The DVD only is worth the price of admission itself and you can just use the CD as a Frisbee or something after burning Trapped in the Closet on your favorite mp3 player. For those who would like to see it for yourself 1st, check out VH1 tonight at 11:00 or you can stream the video on .

Song(s) to Download: Trapped In the Closet

TP3:Reloaded gets a Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE] on my Terror Alert Scale.

Trapped in the Closet DVD gets a Terror Alert Level: Severe [RED] on my Terror Alert Scale.


R. Kelly